Big Mouth (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

The Shame Wizard

Gena did the funniest thing last night.
I asked her what she was doing this summer and she sent me an ISIS recruitment video.
- Ha-ha.
That's funny.
- Right? Man, they're gonna be the end of civilization.
- Nick! Over here! Alley-oop! - [NICK GRUNTS.]
I should've filmed that.
Gena loves basketball fails.
Hey, um, isn't she kind of with DeVon now? Oh, yeah.
I heard they cheesed each other in the library until it was hot fondue.
- I don't think that's true.
- But they are dating.
That's fine.
We're friends for now.
Nick is right.
Even if a guy likes me, - we can still be friends.
- Totally.
I'm friends with a lot of guys that like me.
Oh, yeah.
Did you notice that some of the butt is on the outside of the bathing suit? I did.
You have a keen eye for detail.
- How the light glints off of her mound.
- Okay.
Nick, you're such a sucker.
Gena is using you for your friendship.
She's putting you in the friend zone.
The friend zone is not a real thing, Jay.
You mean like the J-spot? I think you mean the G-spot, and maybe that's real? - I don't know.
- No, I mean the J-spot.
All I know is, I actually like getting to know Gena.
- What? - For real.
I'm so proud of you, Nicholas! And the G-spot is very real.
Ask your mother.
- She's hit mine several times.
- Gross.
- Who wants a quinoa burger? Well, if lunch is almost ready, I am going to pop over to the little boy's room.
- I'm sorry I said that.
- Just pee in the pool, dude.
No, Jay.
That's gross.
I've literally been peeing through this entire conversation.
- Jay! - I think I'm sick.
It just won't stop.
- Jesus.
- I have been drinking a lot of pool water.
They never keep the good drugs in the pool house.
Hark! I am the beast, and Leah's bathing suit, 'tis the sun.
- [GASPS.]
- Half of her ass was in there.
You should take a whiff.
No! I'm not gonna do that.
Nick's whole family is out there.
Come on.
Did you see the wedgie she had? - That chip was dragged through the salsa.
- Oh! Wow, it sure was though, wasn't it? Come on, it's just us.
Nobody's gonna know.
- Eat up, fat boy.
- Yeah, I could have a snack.
- Here we go.
Take a whiff.
Well? What say you? It mostly just smells like chlorine, but I know that her wet naked body was against it.
Good boy.
Make it personal.
Leah thinks it's responsible that you wear a UV shirt.
Yes, she does, 'cause taking care of your skin means you take care of yourself.
- And Leah notices that.
- And her skin is so beautiful.
Yeah, the mom's skin is not bad either.
- No, not the mom.
Leah! - [DOOR OPENS.]
- I want Leah! Hi! - [LEAH GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry! - Oh, my God! - [BOTH SHOUT.]
- Shut the door already! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God! - Holy fucking shit! What do I do? - Finish.
Absolutely not.
This is a nightmare.
A nightmare is not finishing.
- It's unhealthy.
- We've gotta get out of here.
I don't see a sign anywhere that says, "Don't jerk off to our daughter.
" It's implied! Well, they gotta make this stuff clear, friend.
Oh, my God.
Birch, can I eat my quinoa burger in the pool? I'm still peeing.
Jay, honey, I'm honestly a little concerned.
It's nothing to worry about.
I pee once a week for half an hour.
- You have no upper body strength.
- Oh, my dick! - [THUD.]
I fucking love this kid.
Okay, calm down, Andrew.
Maybe she thought I was just peeing against the wall.
Or scratching my penis with a very sturdy grip.
- It's going to be fine.
No, it's not.
- What? - She saw everything.
- Who said that? - She's going to tell everyone.
Oh, God.
- Nice tits, fat boy.
Can you pass the parmigiano please? Parmigiano? Really, Shannon? - Mom, just say Parmesan.
- You're not Carmela Soprano.
- What? - [DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, girls.
How's it going? How's it going? Let me see.
This bitch had an affair, - and then put you in the basement.
- It's going bad! - [MICROWAVE BEEPING.]
- It's going fine.
Well, I'm gonna go back down to my Blues Traveler special - on the TV guide channel.
- Let's go with saddy Daddy! - I'll come watch with you.
- Right on.
So here's what you need to know about John Popper.
He wears a fishing vest, but he doesn't fish.
- [SIGHS.]
- Hey! - [GREG.]
He invented the harmonica vest.
- Oh.
- Okay, this is a tough one.
- [GENA.]
Candy corn or peach? - Candy corn.
- Really? Yeah, they look like rotten Draculateeth.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Florida - Okay.
- or a steaming pile of shit.
- Who took the shit? - Someone from Florida.
Oh no! It's gonna be full of those big onion rings and bath salts.
- Yummy.
Oh! This game is so fun.
I have to play it with DeVon.
Well, it's just a game.
Shit, we've been talking for two hours.
And I left my grandmother in that freezing cold bath.
- What? [CHUCKLES.]
- I'm joking.
Come on! - I don't know what your culture does.
- [GASPS.]
- Racism! - It's not racism.
No, I just wrap her up in tortillas and put her to bed.
- Okay, good.
- I do have to go though, and we didn't do any of our workbook.
Do you want to come over tomorrow and finish it? - To your place? - Yeah.
- Uh, sure, that sounds great.
- Cool.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- Honestly, I do have to get my grandmother - out of the bath.
- I can't tell if you're joking or you're actually abusing your grandma.
I could be.
You'll find out tomorrow.
Deuces! - I'm calling Elderly Protective Services.
- Bye! - Bye! - [LINE DISCONNECTS.]
I love you.
I just feel like she keeps giving me mixed signals.
I know! Is that grandma in the bathtub or not? Me gusta abuela fria I just wanna know if I have a chance.
Well, then I'll show you - with the help of my lovely assistant! - [GRUNTS.]
Oh, Nick! I can't believe this is your hormone monster.
- "Chance-o-meter?" - It's the best way to tell If you have a chance To get in her pants Okay, well, we were on the phone for two hours.
- All right.
Make your move then! But then she mentioned her boyfriend.
Can't win.
Go again.
But then she invited me over to her place to study.
BOYFRIEND Hey! Either she's into you or your house is haunted! - We ain't afraid of no ghost.
- Okay, Rick.
- The movie Ghost.
Oh my God, what if Leah tells her parents? What if she tells Nick? He's going to think I'm so gross.
Huh - Yes, Leah! - [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, my God! - [CLICKS.]
Oh, my God! [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
What the hell was that guy? - [MAURY.]
He's here.
- Who's here? Someone's here? I'm so sorry.
I thought you were immune.
You had survived so many humiliations - without him showing up.
- Who? Andrew, whatever you do, don't [MUMBLING.]
Maury? Maury! [MARTY.]
Who's Maury? Maury Povich? What kind of a bozo thinks about daytime TV at night? [GROANS.]
PSAT THIS PSATURDAY Hey, what happened yesterday? You just vanished.
He knows.
Leah told him.
Nothing! I agreed to reupholster my cousin's chair.
- Fuck.
For his wife's birthday - What? - present.
- Are you okay? [CHUCKLING.]
I'm fine.
It's this bitch wife of my cousin's who wants me to go buy her now a dehumidifier.
Jeez, she likes a dry room, I guess.
- I'm outta here.
- Huh.
So what are we doing now? I really don't want to go home.
I don't know about you, but my mom is definitely picking me up today.
I left her a note.
"Pick up Jay.
Jay is your son.
This one's Jay.
" Oh! Good thing this is a driving wine.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
- Oh, okay.
- Fuck you.
- Nick, what about you? - What am I doing [GASPS.]
Oh, right.
Yeah, I've got a study date with Gena.
Oh, right.
So you can study her big boobs? Okay, she's a three-dimensional person, Jesse.
- She certainly is.
- Ha, ha, ha! - Look, we're friends.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, then why are you dressed like the interior of a Maserati? I'll have you know, this jacket is very expensive.
I bought it in the lobby of Caesar's Palace.
- Oh, yeah.
It's baller! - Oh, no.
- That's like some Steven Seagal shit.
- Oh no! - Hey, Nick.
- The buttons are too strong.
I think you're stuck.
Bye! - Wow! Nick! Look at that jacket.
- You like it? - One question.
- Yeah? Do you consider yourself more fast or more furious? - Ha! That's funny.
A zinger from Gina.
- Come on, man.
I think we look great, baby.
Heavy jacket.
Hey, Jay, let me guess.
You've glued your elbows to your knees? No, I'm waiting for my mom.
While you're waiting, you wanna help me put away the band-minton equint-ment? Oh, I think it's badminton.
No, this is a bad mitten.
Let's go put our hands all over a newborn baby - when we got a horrible cold.
- Whoa.
I know! This guy, he's such a bad mitten, right? Why don't you shut your fucking mustache, you piece of shit.
Hey, Mom? Have you ever done something that you, you know, regretted? - What'd you do, you little pervert? - Don't tell me, Andrew.
Whatever you did, don't ever tell me.
No, I'm just asking if you've ever felt ashamed? I'm ashamed of everything, it's my great shame.
Don't ask your mother about shame.
That's why I pay synagogue dues.
So you can talk to Rabbi Poblart if you have a problem.
- But you don't pay synagogue dues.
- You're damn right! I don't! And I'm not gonna pay a dime.
Not until Poblart gives up one of his three parking spots.
We wandered the desert for 40 years, so that this man can park at a diagonal? - [WHIRRING.]
- [MAN 1.]
That hooker's dead, bro.
- Estoy aqui.
Grab the coins, man.
Mike, Carlos, Abuela, - this is Nick.
- Hey.
Nick, these are my brothers and my grandma.
Now which one is which? I'm kidding, of course.
- You must be Mike.
- Que? I've heard so much about you.
Vamos a estudiar in el cuarto, Abuela.
Okay, tenio seguro.
What'd she say? I'm not supposed to have boys in my room, but she says it's okay because you are a safe boy.
- Aah! - Ay, Dios mio! The Taco Bell dog.
- Sorry, my room's a mess.
- Sleepover.
- What? - That's just my little sister Tanya.
- Sleepover.
- Sleepover! - Tanya, what did we talk - She's very strong.
- I'm sorry.
Tanya's watching a ton of cholita wrestling where these Bolivian women fight in their church clothes.
- Tanya, let him go! - She's adorable.
Your friends suck.
Your family sucks.
This pharmacy sucks! - I know.
My life sucks.
- You know what doesn't suck? - That lip gloss.
- I don't have enough money.
Who said anything about money, honey? You got five fingers, don't you? Actually, I have four, but that's standard animation stuff.
Steal that lip gloss.
Flavor: Bubblegum.
You mean like shoplifting? No! I mean like pharmacy stealing.
- Fuck it! - I don't know.
- Fuck all these fucking fucks! - What if I get caught? That's what makes it so exciting.
Like screwing a stranger at a minor league baseball game.
- What? Ew.
- Baby steps.
First, steal that lip gloss! [SIGHS.]
Here we go.
Now walk to the door, be cool.
Yeah, smile.
Not that big.
Head down.
Don't look her in the eye.
Don't look away.
All right, now get out! Get the fuck out! Go! Move! [PANTING.]
I'm out! Well, how do you feel? I feel I feel amazing.
- Is this how men feel? - All the time! - Even the ugly ones.
- Mm.
Bubblegum! So what's the difference between a mutation and an adaptation? It's funny you ask, because I don't know and I don't care.
Okay, we literally just sat down.
I know, but all this stuff is on Planet Earth on Netflix.
It's gonna be so much more fun to watch it.
It's like science class without all that pesky reading.
Because technically, I am, you know, illiterate.
Coach Steve.
Yeah, we don't have Netflix.
You don't have Netflix? That's impossible.
I mean, from Roku to Apple TV to your home computer, Gena, streaming on Netflix has never been easier.
- This Netflix.
It sounds expensive.
- Ha-ha.
You'd think so, but it's not, Gena.
And best of all, you get five unique user profiles, or I could just give you my password for SCENE REDACTED [NARRATOR ON TV.]
The female bird fails to see this beta male as a potential mate.
Ah! But the beta has an evolutionary trick up its sleeve.
Nick, you're like that bird, bro.
Yeah, trying to get with our sister.
That fucking jacket.
- Callete la boca! - If I'm that bird, you guys are those two possums - eating bugs out of each other's butts.
- Gena, I like this little dude.
- Yeah, me too.
Your jacket's working.
And so the two birds begin to fuck.
Rabbi Poblart, what does Torah say about sin? My dear Andrew, what's a sin is the parking situation at the synagogue.
- I'm sorry.
I don't - My adult son, Leo, should park on the street like a common criminal? I was talking about masturbation.
People are masturbating in the parking spaces now? - No.
- Is it Leo? - What? - He's very nervous about going on Fish Tank, which is the Jewish version of Shark Tank.
I just want to talk to you, Rabbi, about how I feel ashamed of who I am.
Shame? Nay, nay.
Jews, we do not feel shame.
We feel guilt.
Like how you should feel guilt for not investing in Leo's business venture: Wigs for religious dogs.
- But I don't have any money.
- Neither, my friend, does Leo.
If you want to talk shame, go to the Catholics.
If you want to talk dog wigs, - go to Leo.
- What? But do not go alone, for one should have fear of Leo.
- Hey, we broke our record.
- Yeah! [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, I'm sorry my mom is so late picking me up.
She's probably, you know, at the kids store buying my feed.
That's something moms do, right? Yeah, real mom stuff.
Totally understand.
'Cause my mom, she would feed me too, you know? So But hey, we're having fun, right? - Yeah! - You wanna see a magic trick? I don't know.
Okay, check it out.
- Why did you do that? - Wait! What do you mean? I don't know.
I didn't like that.
It's okay.
It's not real.
It's not? - No! It's a trick, see? - A trick? I mean I'm not supposed to reveal my secret, but look, the shuttlecocks's now right up my sleeve.
- Wow! - Yeah.
I can't believe you would break The Magician's Code for me.
I mean that's like something you would do for a friend? Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah, we're friends! - Best friends.
- Sure! Fuck everybody else! - Eh! My best friend is an adult man! And my best friend is an unclaimed child! I hope your mom never picks you up, Jay.
- How was your day, sweetie? - Hi.
- What's on your lips? - Bubblegum lip gloss.
Where'd you get that? - Missy gave it to me.
- I didn't know Missy wore lip gloss.
She doesn't.
That's why she gave it to me.
Now lie to her for no fucking reason whatsoever.
By the way, that new mac and cheese restaurant is finally open.
Ooh! Mac and cheese.
- Do you wanna go? - Nope.
Hah! Uh Forgive me, Father, for I was looking at my best friend's sister's bathing suit and I fell prey to masturbation.
Got it.
Do five Our Fathers.
- Uh, that's it? - That's it.
I'm sorry That's Catholicism? - [FATHER.]
Wait, are you not Catholic? - If you must know, I'm Jewish.
Oh Jewish! - What does that mean? [FATHER.]
I'm not surprised you're in here trying to get advice for free.
Oh, okay.
You want to trade in stereotypes, old man? Well, I bet you, I bet you have sex with little boys.
- Old man? I'm 32! - Big wow! - I've boned down with grown ass women.
- Oh, who cares? - Divorcees.
- You're disgusting.
You doubt me, man? I got a picture of panties right here.
- I'm out of here.
- Don't you go anywhere.
It's from a couple of weeks ago.
Hold on.
- I'm not waiting for the picture.
- Yep, see that? Look at that.
You tell me I fuck little boys.
- Those are shorts.
- These are shorts.
I'm looking at it now.
I see that they're shorts.
I can't believe I waited around for a fucking priest to show me a pantie picture.
I'm out of here.
You know what? If I did fuck little boys, you wouldn't be one of them.
A lot of adult men would be attracted to me and this big can of mine.
What a jerk.
- I just want to feel better.
You'll never feel better.
- [GASPS.]
Stop it! - You're ratchet! Leave me alone.
You should be ashamed of yourself, you sinful little creature! [EXCLAIMING.]
I just wanted to touch myself in public.
Is that so wrong? [MAN.]
Stop quoting your friend's dad's law commercials.
How can a child be in such bad shape? Thank goodness.
I made it.
- Congratulations.
- Who are you? - Who, I? Andrew, I'm the Shame Wizard, of course.
- The Shame Wizard? - [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
The Shame Wizard! Oh! Yes, Andrew, and I've been waiting for you.
- You have? - Oh, yes.
- Oh, God.
- Surely you knew I was coming.
I didn't.
I wouldn't Now come with me, young man.
I'm taking you to that new mac and cheese restaurant.
- Really? - Nope.
- Where am I? - All rise.
- Shame Court is now in session.
- What? The honorable Shame Wizard presiding.
- Shame Court? - Silence! Thus begins the trial of Andrew Glouberman who stands accused of being a loathsome little pervert.
That was really fun.
- My family really likes you.
- I don't know if you noticed, but I think Tanya might wanna have a sleepover.
That might be fun.
I'll only do it if I can take an ice bath with your grandma.
This is your big chance, Nick.
Eat her chin! Pinch her in the butt.
- Hey G.
- Hey D! - D's here.
- Cool jacket.
I think my uncle had the same one when he was Sinbad for Halloween.
I think it's kind of weird that you're that close to your uncle.
My dad wasn't around, but I'm just wanna be that guy.
There's nothing I can say back to that.
- Okay, ha-ha.
- All right.
Nick, looks like your bus is here.
Thanks again.
I had fun.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
- Bye.
Oh no! This bus can't slow down the matriots, baby.
- Ladies and gentlemen over the millennia, I have seen many good people do terrible things, but the State shall prove that Andrew Glouberman didn't do a bad thing - Yeah.
He is a bad thing! Objection.
Oh, thank God, Maury.
You're here.
Are you my lawyer? - Am I your lawyer? - Oh, please Seriously, am I your lawyer? I was told we were going to a new mac and cheese restaurant.
How does the defendant plead? Not creepy, your honor.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't find a sitter.
One, two, three I'm missing a dick.
Everyone, check their butts.
I am so screwed.
Hey kid, this is your stop.
The Friend Zone? No, I don't want to get off here.
Well, I could take you to the Alone Zone, but that's just a tent where you jerk off to vacation photos - of your ex on Facebook.
- What? They serve microwave nachos and it's freezing in there.
Okay, I'll get off here.
FRIEND ZONE Welcome to the Friend Zone.
This will vibrate when Gena's ready to be more than friends.
It never vibrates.
Over here is the grey area, where people parse the meaning of ambiguous texts.
So there are two exclamation points, but then the Emoji with no mouth.
So does he want to hang out tomorrow? Why doesn't he just say that? Or does he wanna hang out when he's back from his trip? And is there even a trip? Oh God, this is sad.
You know what, actually, scroll up to that text where he calls you "dude.
" That's what we should focus on.
- I got to get out of here.
- Yeah, good call.
Look, there's the Fuck Zone.
Let's roll over there, baby.
FUCK ZONE Oh my God! We can still make it.
Rick, just stop.
What are you gonna do? - Oh, God.
- [RICK.]
At least my crotch is okay.
I'm Andrews father's associate, Susan.
He masturbates to me every night.
Objection! He masturbates to her during the day as well.
Oh God.
I need outside counsel.
I am VIP Cam Girl.
All day I deal with pervert, but Andrew, he is most pervert.
- Can I smoke from my vagina? - No! Andrew let me do it.
Jesus Christ.
I was curious about the mechanics of it.
[SOCK 1.]
He singled me out.
He separated me from my partner.
That's what they do, you know? And then he used me like an object.
I mean, obviously I am an object, but for feet, not for [CRYING.]
There, there.
It's all right.
I'm sorry, can I Can I smoke from my vagina? Of course.
He was my brother's best friend.
We treated him like family.
And in kind, he honored that? No! He jerked off all over the house! - [CROWD EXCLAIMS.]
- [MAN 1.]
Jerked off? And to think, - you were going to take him to Hamilton.
- She was? And then I was maybe going to take him to Starbucks.
No! The ideal date! Thank you, Leah.
The prosecution would now like to call its final witness.
Oh, thank God.
Andrew Glouberman! - [GASPS.]
- Oh dear God! [GRUNTS.]
It was in my own butt.
- You scared me! - [PENIS WHIMPERING.]
Buddy, I'm not mad.
I was just worried.
Hey, Mom.
Sorry, I'm late.
That's okay.
I had a great time with my new friend.
You got a super-duper kid, Mrs.
Jay's mom.
Thank you, Mister It's Steve.
Coach Steve-Steve.
- You can call me Coach Steve.
Well, any friend of Jay's is a friend of mine, Steve.
Another friend? When it rains, it pours.
- Bye-bye, Coach Steve.
- Bye-bye, Mrs.
Jay's Mom-Mom.
Hey, let's buy a dog from a puppy mill and say we got it from a shelter.
No! I just made two new friends.
I don't need you anymore, Bad Mitten.
Oh you're dead, Steve.
I'm going to kill you before you lose your virginity next episode.
Whoa! You don't like spoilers? Well, let me explain this to you.
I'm not a good mitten.
I'm a bad mitten.
Still don't think I'm a bad mitten? Then stick around and watch me fuck this dead bird.
Glouberman! Don't tell a little kid about mac and cheese restaurant.
- Why would you promise that? - [LAUGHING.]
Andrew, my boy, we've heard but a fraction of the many wretched things you've done - in your pathetic life.
- Oh, God.
And now I only have one question Do you believe you're a good person? - I think - I will remind you that you're under oath! - I wanna be a good person.
- Do you? Because I believe you wish to drench this entire planet in your rotten jizz.
Isn't that true, Mr.
Glouberman? No, that's a half truth! [ALL GASPS.]
May the records show that the defendant has a poorly timed erection.
- Do not write that down! - You got a boner from this? - There is no denying it.
You are irredeemable.
I know that.
Don't you think I know that? I have no self-control.
I could jerk off to anything in here.
I could jerk off to all of you.
I'll probably jerk off to this whole experience.
Why is that? - Because I'm a creep, okay? - Oh, yes.
- I'm a pervert! - Yes, Andrew.
And maybe at the end of the day, I'm just a bad person.
Yes! You're a bad person! And not a great guy at all.
You're just reshuffling the words.
Oh God, what have I done? [ALL.]
Guilty! Andrew! Stop judging yourself.
No! I'm a not great guy.
She deserves it, and so do we.
We totally do.
GENA Heyyy I think I like like you.
And if you don't like me like that I don't know if we can be friends.
- I'm sorry, Andrew.
- It's okay.
No, I made in the crate.
Shut up, Maurice.
Don't you see he's mine now? You both are.
Okay, it's just that it's caked to my fur.
Grr! SDH Created by: Arvind Vishwakarma
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