Big Mouth (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

Guy Town

If you hump, you can't dump! If you hump, you can't dump! If you hump, you can't dump! Oh, my God.
What is this? We're protesting you, Andrew.
First you blammo'd on my floor and then you blammo right out the door.
Tell us.
When exactly did you know you were gonna dump Lola? Was it before or after you came in your Costco jeans? The time line's unclear.
Oh, please.
They were just two horny kids getting their rocks off.
I don't see what the big deal is.
The big deal is he knew he didn't like her, but he still chose to use her to defile his denim dungarees.
Oh, shit.
Is that what I did? - Nick, your friend sounds pretty gross.
- Look, Gina I'm not gonna hang out with a guy who's best friends with a creep.
Does that mean you do wanna hang out with a guy - who's not best friends with a creep? - Maybe.
- What're you doing this weekend? - Nothing.
Well, you should maybe make plans, 'cause it's weird to be alone on a weekend.
- Um, I'm gonna go to class now.
- All right.
Click click, bam! Lock him up! Jesse? You're protesting me too? Well, if what Lola said is true, and I tend to believe her because I listen to women - So do I! - then you're a real slime bag, man.
Yeah, Andrew.
I'm honestly very disappointed.
I didn't think you were that kind of a man.
Oh, God.
Harmless dweeb or disgusting sex monster? You decide.
Disgusting sex monster! [THEME SONG PLAYS.]
I'm going through changes I'm going through changes Oh, in my life - Rise and shine, Nickie.
It's time to macho move Jesse's dad into Guy Town.
No ladies allowed except in our hearts.
Dad, it's too early for your enthusiasm.
Uh-oh! Mr.
Teenager has his claws out.
Please don't do that.
I'm just so jazzed for our manly moving date.
- Check this out.
- Is that a back brace for ladies? 'Cause that's for sure Rosie the Riveter.
Nobody messes with Rosie.
She's tough.
Like spending time with my mother-in-law.
Ha-ha! That's a man joke.
I'm kidding.
I love Nana.
Hello? Duke, are you having a ghost orgy in my closet again? - [SCREAMING.]
- Oh my God! - Hey there.
- It's okay, you can come out.
- You scared me.
- I'm Tyler.
- Are you my new Hormone Monster? I sure am, and you're my first kid.
- You've never done this before? - No way, Jose.
I'm a monster-in-training.
That's why I don't have my horn yet.
- I don't get it until I'm certified.
- Oh! So what should we do first? Well, I'm actually glad you're here.
There's this girl Gina I like, and she just broke up with her boyfriend.
Okay, that's great.
We're diving right in.
Girls are so cool.
Don't understand them.
- But I love them.
- Uh-huh.
- Know what you should do? - What? - Get rose petals - Yeah? and make a trail from her locker - to the cafeteria - Okay.
but then you're in the cafeteria standing up on a lunch table - and then you do a cool dance - Cool dance? and then balloons drop from the ceiling, and the balloon say "Gina"! Um my first instinct is that sounds kind of corny.
Dang! Stupid! - What about something else? Other ideas? - Sure.
- Okay, here's what you do.
- Okay.
You sneak up on her, and you put your shirt over her head, and she's blind, you scream, "Gina!" - That seems like assault.
- Yep, it is.
- Okay, reboot.
- Uh-huh.
- Girls love to be saved.
- Do they? So let's find a nice remote set of train tracks - I'm gonna stop you right there, okay? - God, I suck at this! Tyler, you shitty tit-sucker.
You're never gonna get your horn.
Nick hates you! - I don't hate you.
- You don't? No, not yet.
- Good.
We're friends again! - Yeah.
- Let me take a picture of your penis.
- What? For my phone! So when you call, I know it's you.
I don't understand why they call it the bitch seat.
I got to rest my hands on the knees of two men who I truly love.
Take your hand off my knee.
I really appreciate you guys being here for me.
Look at his place! It's like a daycare center for lonely men.
Why would anybody move into Guy Town? Well, since Guy Bilzerian is my divorce lawyer, I get 200 bucks off the first month's rent.
Okay, that's enough for me.
Besides, this is what I deserve for exposing Jesse to my edibles.
- I'm trash.
- No.
You are not trash.
You're just in the recycling bin, waiting for life to turn you into two-thirds of a coffee cup.
Oh, please! Recycling's a scam, like stuffed crust pizza.
It's just more cheese and bread.
You're actually losing tomato sauce! [MARTY GRUNTS.]
Did you boys have fun back there? - No, not really.
- I had fun.
I threw up in that Simplehuman garbage can.
Oh! That's no good, 'cause that's a nice ass trash can.
That's right, I'm back, you motherfuckers.
What's my life span? It is unclear.
- You're Maury, right? - Yeah, no pictures.
I'm Tyler.
I'm a huge fan.
Your work with Bret Michaels was truly inspiring.
- I know.
Rock of Love was my idea.
- Really? - What's that you got there? - It's a present for Nick.
I'm really good at drawing weapons, so I drew him a sword and I have a wicked crossbow! Don't bring him presents.
That's weird, man.
Thanks for the advice.
God! I'm so excited.
I'm gonna make this little boy's dick so hard! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, man.
That's not how we talk about these things.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you.
I'm gonna make this little boy's penis so hard.
That's better.
I'm here in Guy Town, the local hive of toxic masculinity.
Matthew? What are you doing here? I'm exposé-ing you.
People wanna continue hating you, and I'm gonna give them what they want.
I'm using my backpack as a dolly.
Defend yourself, pig.
Okay, yes.
I did give into my most primal urges, but in my defense, who among us has not excited their shaft for carnal relief? - I would appreciate - Cut! Was that no good? I was just being honest.
You were being creepy and weirdly formal, Professor Pervert.
Indeed, Professor Pervert.
What are you teaching next semester? Ogling 101? Jizz-a-nomatry? Oh, please.
You can't learn Jizz-a-nomatry in a classroom.
You gotta get out in the field and you know, jack off in a field.
Some scarecrow watching.
Oh, man, that dude's a fucking weirdo.
- What's up, jerks? - Hey, Jay.
Get ready for your minds to end up like my dad's dick on my mom's birthday: - Totally sucked off.
- Ugh! I present to you Guy Town! Jay, this place is a total bummer.
Are you kidding me? There's a place I know Where the dudes all go Where there's no female Scorn and hassle It's a bachelor's dream Every man is a king Of his one room shag rug castle We've got booze and lube and Lexapro We don't need the outside world And sex position topiary garden Where every bush is girl-on-girl We're talking about Guy Town It's a bachelor's stay-cation Guy Town A testosterone celebration Guy Town We're a lonely dude nation Forget your woes Embrace the bros In Guy Town Oh, you can do as you please Hang your balls in the breeze Free of society's uptight gaze In Guy Town I lived here in 1971 And saw more shaft than Isaac Hayes Shut your mouth You can park and lounge By the swimming pool Don't mind the sheen Of sweat and pubes Just be careful of the penis worms And even we're all dudes Because we're in Guy Town A bro-topian sensation Guy Town A divorcee plantation Guy Town It's a player's coronation Lose the ring and live the dream In Guy Town Well, okay, fine.
The song is pretty catchy, but this place is still gross.
Did you see that Fleshlight at the poker game? If you didn't, you should definitely rewind.
Guy Town It's the something Something, something Andrew oh, this is my new hormone monster, Tyler.
Hey! I like your mustache.
I bet you have lots of pubes.
Can I see them? Hey, again, not the way we do things.
Andrew, will you be a dear and refasten my locket? - Dad - Actually, the locket is for Greg.
Inside is a picture of who he needs to love the most: Himself.
Okay, if it's Greg's, why are you wearing it? - To warm it up.
- What? Boys, look at me.
You know when you put on a fresh locket, and it's just too darn cold on your skin? - No, no idea.
- Dad, can we not talk about the locket? Sure.
What do you wanna talk about? Other family members - who are having a tough time? - What? No.
We're just talking about this girl Nick likes.
- Andrew - He doesn't know how to get her.
Boys, a real man doesn't get a girl.
He woos her.
Maybe he's right.
I mean, he did get your mom, - and she's hot.
- Hey, rookie! Don't talk about the mom stuff in front of the kid.
But mommy titties are the softest.
Nickie, you have to tell her how you feel.
Be vulnerable and romantic.
Gina, you make me feel vulnerable and romantic.
She's gonna love it! She's gonna hate it.
Why is she typing so slowly? - What did she say? - "Ha.
" - Just says "Ha.
" - Ooh! A single ha.
Yeah, that ain't laughing.
This unit has a killer layout.
The Jerk-off Nook has a view of the pool.
Are you boys moving in? No, we're helping our dear friend Greg.
I have that same kimono.
If this kimono could talk, it would be nothing but bullshit.
You know, I had to stop wearing mine because the silk was too rough.
You didn't have that problem? Baby doll, with the amount of tanning I've done, I feel nothing.
My tummy's like a wallet.
Can I borrow a 20? Nick, I'm pretty sure this guy thinks your dad is I can see what's happening.
- A proud member of the LGBT.
- I get it! Bye! Stop by if you need a cup of sugar.
Or tequila! Well, what do we have here? You must be the sad old queen of Guy Town.
Ah! You must be the catty little gay character.
I'm sorry, but I don't want a flyer for your cabaret show.
I'm busy at noon on a Thursday.
Oh, that's quick.
Listen, baby Billy Eichner, being young, gay, and mean is not a personality.
Nick, I think we're witnessing a gay duel.
I've never seen anyone talk to Matthew like this.
Uh, for your information, Martha Raye, I'm more than young, gay, and mean.
Really? What else you got? Uh I happen to be investigating a boy who jizzed in his pants.
Oh, honey, that's how I wasted my 20s.
Goodbye Peter Twink-lage.
Matthew, I don't think that you're just gay and mean.
Who cares what you think, you bag of burrata! You know, burrata is actually pretty expensive, so I take that as a compliment.
I do it with tomato and peach.
No one's listening.
I'm listening.
That shit sounds good.
Sweet and savory? Okay.
Argh! Nothing is up to code in here! See that? That's supposed to be a smoke detector.
I'm a lady bass With a belly full of eggs That's disgusting.
Also, is that a parody of a song we're supposed to know? Whoa! Greg gets a waterbed? Cool, right? We also have water-cribs if you're dumb enough to get custody of your stupid baby.
Oh boy! I knew I was pushing it with this box of blankets.
Big Nickie, help lower your little daddy to the floor.
- Gently! Your little daddy's delicate.
- Ouch! I think we should look away.
You know, out of respect.
But it seems like he's doing it for our benefit? [MEOWS.]
Why is there carpet in the kitchen? You have any idea the mold that could form? What is this place? What am I supposed to do? Go out and find an apartment I like? Get my credit checked? Buy some furniture? Stop waking up in the middle of the night to smoke pot? Yes, Greg! That's what you're supposed to do.
It's called being a man.
- Well, clearly I failed as a man.
- Argh! Jay, can you take my lease up your dad? [SCREAMS.]
Dammit! And tell him we need a surge protector.
There are no outlets! Just one extension cord that goes all the way to the Chevron next door.
My dad is such a wuss.
- I wish he could be more like your dad.
- Oh! Cheap and angry? No! Like a man.
Well, my dad is not a man.
He is a one-star Yelp review come to life.
All right, guys.
You better Yentl your tits, 'cause we're about to enter the most macho place on Earth.
Whoa! This is like the nicest suite at the worst hotel in Atlantic City.
Yeah, this blood smuggler couldn't pay my dad, so he gave him a fuck-ton of marble.
It's super easy to hose down.
- Jay! I need more ketchup.
- Nice! I'll get you some more packets.
Hey, Jay, why is your dad eating a steak dinner - in an old fashioned barber chair? - Jay, jack me up! You got it, Dad! Guy, your toilet's out of water again.
That's how I know you're not shitting in there.
Oh Guy, you're terrible.
Yeah, he really is.
Guys, this is my dad's super-cool receptionist, Taffiny.
Oh! What happened to your wrist, sweetie? [SOFTLY.]
Go on.
Tell her.
Oh, nothing.
He dry-humped a girl and dumped her, so she broke his wrist.
Wow! This kid humped and dumped.
Well, I came, and then went.
- You're a little pimp, aren't you? - Oh, I don't know.
Uh, you know, some say I'm a creep.
Fuck that! You're just a 13-year-old man who took what he wanted.
- Ha! - Like me.
I live balls out, and I give zero fucks.
That's pimp.
Right, Taffiny? That's what I'm talking about.
Let's live that pimp life.
Whoop! Whoop! Is that what you are, Andrew? - A greasy little pimp? - I don't know.
It does seem like a lot more fun than being a creep.
- And I got the whole outfit - At the Halloween store? - Yeah, the Halloween store.
- You know what, little stud? You're coming to the players' ball tonight.
- I'm making you Pimp of the Month.
- Mazel tov, baby.
Okay, yeah! I'm the Pimp of the Month.
Give me the cash, bitches.
Nick! Jay's Dad is a total stud muffin.
You should ask him about Gina.
That's actually not a bad idea.
Um Mr.
Bilzerian, there's this girl at school who I really like, but I don't know how to ask her out.
What do you think I should do? That's simple.
You just need to remind her that you're better than she is.
- That seems mean.
- Yeah, mean guys fuck.
- Nice guys clean it up.
- [TYLER.]
Ew! I don't wanna clean up someone else's oopy-soup.
So Andrew, you're a pimp now.
How does that change things for you? Well, if I had my druthers, - I'd invest in a bejeweled chalice - Fancy drink.
A shirt with a collar that goes past my shoulders.
- This motherfucker looks good.
- I may dabble in a little black voice, - I'm sure I'll pull back on that quick.
- That's what's up.
And I certainly won't be afraid to strut my stuff.
- Not scared of the strut! - It's an equilibrium thing.
Oh, look at you.
You're wobbling around like a newborn horse.
That's right.
Newborn horse.
Big ass knees.
Wibble-dy wobble-dy.
Andrew, you're not a pimp! Quit pretending to be one.
Maybe I wanna be a pimp! I'm sick of feeling bad about all the bad things that I do, and I wanna forget them and be pimp.
That's right.
Living that unexamined life! Why do you have cassette tapes of a band called "Puh-Hish"? - It's Phish, Marty.
- Who cares! It's all clutter.
That's not clutter.
Those are memories.
- Whoa! - I know you think because my vision's bad I don't smell well, but nothing could be further from the truth.
- I'm sorry, who are you? - I'm your new roommate, Leo.
- Huh? I have a roommate? - Couple ground rules.
I like to fall asleep to Frasier, and the dishwasher, my friend, is only for jewelry.
I know you.
You're Rabbi Poblart's adult son.
I heard about your failed wigs for religious dogs business.
Well, if you heard about it from the dogs, you're only getting one side of the story.
So what's the other side of the story? This motherfucker's scary, and he's Greg's roommate? No.
No, no, no.
Darkness ascends Mm-mmm.
No, thank you.
Caleb, do you think I'm just young, gay, and mean? - [CALEB.]
- I'm a lot more than that.
I have a whole backstory about how I used to live in Texas, and I got bullied online.
They called me the steer queer.
Nobody wants to hear about that.
Exactly! They just want me to be sharp and cutting, and funny.
- [CALEB.]
Are you funny? - Yes! And stylish, and I'm a good person.
That is not what others say about you.
Okay, turn off the camera.
- Why won't Gina write back? - I don't know.
- Do you think my text was too mean? - What did you say? - Well, Guy said I should be mean to her.
- Gotcha.
So I wrote, "You want to do something tomorrow," and then, "Oh shit, that was meant for someone else.
" Ooh, yes! - That's pimp.
- That's what's up.
Pimps and scrimps.
- No boys, that's ew.
- Dad I hate to insult someone behind their back, but Guy Bilzerian, he's not the kind of man you wanna be.
- What? No.
- He may look fancy from the outside, but he's falling apart on the inside, just like this building.
Uh, Dr.
Birch, you're sounding like a hater.
- Haters gonna hate.
- I hate this hater! Yeah, what do you know, Dad? You gave me terrible advice about Gina, and you can't even carry a couple of blankets without hurting yourself.
Uh-oh! The claws are out again.
- Stop doing that.
- Stop purring, Dad.
- Yeah, stop it! Why can't you be more of a man and not such a pussy? [GASPS, IMITATES CAT WAILING.]
What does your pretty mommy even see in him? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- She wrote back.
- What did she say? - She said, "Ew.
" Titty-shits! Now I'm never gonna get my horn.
So you're making this about you? Yeah.
DJ Pendejo, coming at you live from the players' ball.
Scritchy-scitchy-scratch! Coach Steve? Why are you at Guy Town? I do my laundry here, and in return, I DJ for free.
But I do accept tips.
Like how do you get people to make eye contact with you? So is this a monthly thing, or Time has lost all its meaning for me.
Soon it will for you, too.
Oh, no, I don't plan on staying here long.
That's what my last roommate said.
Then, he died of penis worms.
- They ate his flesh from the dick out.
- Whoa! Ah! There you are! Your father's very upset.
He won't even drink the little saucer of milk I gave him.
How did I end up with such a weirdo for a dad? Look, your dad does a lot of stuff that drives me crazy.
The kissing on the mouth.
He orders appetizers.
He asks me how I'm doing.
Who cares?! But Mr.
Glouberman, I'm just saying The point is, the man is smart and he knows who he is, which is more than you can say for most people.
- Yeah.
- Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go break down boxes, which is my favorite thing to do.
Guy Townies, ladies I found on the street in Trenton.
I want to introduce you to the Pimp of the Month.
- [MAN 1.]
All right! - Pimp of the Month! Jesus! These sad men keep getting younger and younger.
Pimp of the Month! Will you please tell us all about your signature move, - the Cream and Shuffle.
- Cream and Shuffle? Oh, what do you mean? A hump and dump? Oh, okay.
So I was at this girl's condo What's the address? - Uh Dad? - Hey.
What are you doing here, jelly bean? I wanted to surprise you.
Ugh! Who are these guys? And what's Andrew doing? So I don't like this girl at all, - but she wanted to rub fronts.
- [MAN 1.]
Rub fronts! Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
and I thought it would feel good, you know? So I did it anyway, even though I knew that I didn't like her.
[MAN 2.]
Speak up! And then I broke up with her.
And she cried, and, uh yeah, now that I say it out loud, - I don't feel very good about it at all.
- [MAN 3.]
Whoo! It's just, it's hard, man, 'cause I'm horny.
I'm horny all the time.
And I'm making bad choices, but at the end of the day, I'm not a pimp, and I don't want to be one.
Boo! That sucked.
I knew he wasn't a pimp.
He's more of a john.
He will pay for sex in his lifetime.
I truly believe that.
Of course he will, and I shall be there.
Yeah, me too.
Wanna carpool? Dad, what is this place? It's Guy Town.
- And you must be Greg's ex.
My, my.
- This is my daughter.
Your daughter's an eight for the figure alone.
- What the fuck? - Okay, that's it! I might deserve this shithole, but she doesn't.
Guy, I'm sorry, but you gotta let me out of my lease.
Oh, Greg.
No one leaves Guy Town.
- Oh, shit! - Is he okay? He's not breathing.
We need a doctor.
I've got a doctor Dre signed basketball in the trunk of my car.
Just kidding.
I wish.
What I do have is a nurse Jackie signed T-shirt.
Over here! I'm a doctor.
My dad's kind of a badass.
Yeah, your little kitty daddy is a tiger mommy.
Oh! Hello.
Everyone, he's going to be okay! Dad! That was amazing.
You're like a hero.
I guess this pussy is pretty good at meowth to meowth resuscitation.
- Okay.
- Meowth.
Look, I don't care if I signed a lease.
I won't have my daughter spend another minute in this electrical deathtrap! You listen to me, Bilzerian.
We'll get the city council to shut this place down! Good luck.
I've bribed half the city council, and blackmailed the other half.
We just got you saying all that Scooby-Doo stuff on tape.
It's not on tape.
It's a memory card.
Give me that camera! This camera belongs to the AV Club! [GUY SCREAMS.]
Oh, no! My hair! No! Don't look! Don't look at me! Look away! Pimp of the Month.
I think I can feel the penis worms going up my dick hole.
I can feel them devouring my cock! Hey, um are you okay? I just ordered a Hawaiian pizza from Little Caesars.
What does that tell you? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm sorry if I was rude before.
Yeah, well, I probably owe you an apology, too.
I shouldn't be picking fights with little kids.
That's probably a good policy.
What can I say? I got issues.
And I guess I saw a little bit of myself in you.
I would never wear a kimono.
Okay, right there.
That's what I'm talking about.
You don't have to be a little prick all the time.
You can let your guard down once in awhile.
And what? Be nice? Wouldn't kill ya.
You know, I wish I was a little nicer.
I might not have ended up here.
How did you end up in Guy Town? You're in luck, kid.
I've written a one-man musical about it.
Sit down! We open on Stonewall.
- A minimal set.
- Oh, shit.
- What's that now? - I can't wait! I need to be home in 17 minutes.
- So kiddo, what's going on with Gina? - Uhh I think I'm just gonna give up.
- Give up? But you really like her.
Yeah, but I don't know how to ask her out.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Just do what you like to do and bring her along.
- Well, I like go-karts.
- That's a terrible interest! Nickie, why don't you invite Gina to do go-karts? - [HONKS.]
- Come on, Greg! Let's go! What's your hurry? I don't even know where I'm sleeping tonight.
I got three words for you: Be my roommate in the storage unit where I live, which is on the diaper barge.
This is Guy Town.
I originally came here to do a story about a lumpy gourd of a boy, but I ended up learning a few things about what it means to be a man.
Sometimes being a man means putting the people you love first, and sometimes it means owning up to your mistakes.
Go away, Andrew! I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Get out of here and never come back, like every single one of my pageant coaches.
Not all men value the same things, and that means you can be any man you want.
Marsha P.
Johnson Threw the first brick The pigs beat the homos With really big sticks [GASPS.]
Oh! Steve hey.
Where is this diaper barge going? To Diaper Island, of course.
Good night, Greg! [MATTHEW.]
All you need to do is figure out who you are, - and be true to yourself.
- [MEOWS.]
- I got a golf cart engine.
- Whatever! You're cheating! - Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
Winner! Yeah! We kicked buns! Ooh, yeah! What's happening? [SCREAMING.]
Oh, my horn! [TYLER GROANS.]
Nobody warned me it would hurt this much! It feels like I'm being impaled by my own spine! [GROANING.]
Oh, God! [PANTING.]
No! God! Jesus Christ! Fuck! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
It's cool! Oh, my horn looks cool!
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