Big Mouth (2017) s03e03 Episode Script
Cellsea
1 - [CICADAS CHIRPING.]
- [OWL HOOTS.]
Oooh.
Aiden looks cute in that picture.
Like it, like it, like it.
No, it's from a year ago.
I don't want him to know how deep I am in his feed.
Come on! You wanna go balls-deep in his feed.
I'm sorry.
Is his feed his mouth? Yep, and his timeline is his ass! It's easy math, my friend.
Oh, oh! He sent me another snap.
Lemme see, lemme see! I wanna be a part of this! "I'm behind a little boy at the mall who keeps calling his mom 'bruh'.
" - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- That's hilarious.
Send him a dick pic! Use my handsome one.
The trick to perfect breakfast tacos is to eat you out.
I'm sorry, that's all he says.
I know it's not applicable here.
I'm gonna send him that random gif of a monkey in a coat getting off a bus.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! He's FaceTiming me? Great.
Here we go! Ooh, Matthew, check my teeth.
I've had nothing but ribs and popcorn today! - No.
Decline, decline! - Why did you do that? We haven't had an actual conversation since the pharmacy.
- So what? - I don't even know what I'd say to him.
You'd say, "Hello, how was your day? I'd like to see you naked and fuck your timeline.
" It's simple, Matt.
The lost art of conversation.
Oh, shit! I'm just gonna text Jessi.
Why are you gonna text Jessi? - She'll know what to do.
- What does she know about timelines? - Maury, shut up! - Fine! - Oh, shit! - What? I just sent "I think I just blew it with Pharmacy Boy" to Aiden! Why would you do that? Because you were distracting me, you horny Sasquatch! - What do I do? What do I do? - Kill yourself! Oh, you're always pitching that! I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh - [DIANE.]
Oh! - [BELL RINGS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- What's so funny? Let me see, I wanna be a part of this.
They updated the graphics, so when I shake my Boggle, it just looks so cute.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, Nick.
- New Phone Day! - New Phone Day! I'm stickin' with burners, asswipes.
That's Judd! Off the grid and outta sight.
Take good care of her.
'Sup, bitch? Oh, you're not Leah! Um I I'm I'm Nick.
Did you steal me? Uh, Leah gave you to me, so Oh, so I'm your possession? No! No, I You know what? Let's start over.
I'm really excited to have a cool new phone like you.
Oh! You think I'm cool? - Yeah.
- Okay.
You know, I have to say, you're so much quicker than my old phone.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Doy.
Do you wanna telephone your father? - No! - Oh, good.
That new update gave me battery cancer.
Ew.
Oh, boy! I just basted you so hard in my own juices.
- [BURBLING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I guess I am the ultimate fuck machine.
But, hey, I don't even know your name.
- [BURBLES.]
- DeLiloh? Huh? - Is that a boy's name or a girl's name? - [BURBLES.]
Well, because I'm on a journey of self-discovery, you fuckin' turkey.
- [BURBLES.]
- Sorry, turkey that I'm fucking.
But come on, DeLiloh, I need to know.
Aah, I need to know.
[GASPS.]
I need to know! Huh! Was that turkey a boy or a girl? [JAY'S MOM.]
Wash your dicks and get ready for school! Pssh.
Life hack.
I wash my dick at school.
So, I have a few minutes to watch Netflix.
Huh.
"Because you watched Penn and Teller: Live and Nude in British Columbia, we recommend Gordie's Journey?" [NETFLIX INTRO SOUND PLAYS.]
[MAN.]
For years, I've been a happily married, straight cis male moose masseuse.
[MOOSE MOANS.]
Oh, yeah, you've got a gaggle of knots.
Do you do computers during the day? But then, in a Calgary minute, everything changed.
Dang it, Gordie! You're quitting your job to be a magician? And you're leaving me to explore your sexuality? You sound loony! And I'm not referring to our nation's currency.
Magic? Sexual confusion? Canada? It's about time to make my true sexual identity appear.
Like in a magic trick, for example.
Whoa! Netflix has so much money they made a show just for me.
Thank you, Ted Sarandos.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Jessi, I need your help with the Aiden situation.
Aka the situ-Aiden.
Oh, my God, I love that.
But, no.
I haven't heard from him in 12 hours.
I think what you need to do is just own this mistake.
Uh What does that mean? Like, start sending him all your texts, like it's on purpose.
I like it.
"Happy birthday, Aunt Linda! Hope that tiny dog brings you the comfort Uncle Leon never could.
" Ooh, funny.
Okay, now text him "hurricane relief" in all caps.
- Oh.
Was there another hurricane? - Ugh, probably.
Don't you follow Al Gore on Twitter? - Gross.
No.
- Well, the Earth is boiling! She's right, it's so hot.
Siri, find "fuckable magma" near me.
Did you mean "edible smegma"? No! But, you know, bookmark that.
Wait, what? Are you gonna put me in your locker all morning? Oh, no, I I'm not supposed to have you in class, so - Ugh! Do you always follow the rules? - No! So, if a website asks if you're 18, what are you gonna say? I'll say I'm 26.
Yeah, he's six foot eight and he plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves! Huh.
Maybe you're not a total dork.
No, I'm actually kind of, like, more of, like, a big dick boy! Oh, yeah? Well, I'd love to take a picture of it.
I'm a photographer.
- P-p-pict Take a picture of my dick? - Uh, yeah.
Ooh! Put a peanut M&M up in there for scale! - Maybe not now, I'm going to class.
- Bust it out! Hey, Nick! What's up? Whoa! Is that Leah's phone case? I would know it anywhere.
Not that I smelled it, or Aah, nobody can sense your panic.
- That's not weird, what I said.
- Perfectly played.
Yeah, it's awesome, right? - [PHONE.]
Oh, Nick.
- Yeah? Did you know there's a cool new artisanal doughnut place near you? We should check it out after school.
Okay.
I can see if Andrew wants to go.
Or it could just be the two of us.
You can stare at me the whole time, or whatever.
- Yeah, that sounds pretty great.
- Well, I'm good, yeah.
I mean, stuff's been Nick? Hey, where you going? - Oop! Lars.
- Oh.
I'll get out of your way.
Unless you wanna just toss me down the hall? Lars, I've been meaning to say this for a while, but I'm sorry for grabbing you and pulling you out of your wheelchair.
I don't buy it.
I've seen all your Fart Boy videos.
We both have.
Your online persona is shockingly toxic.
I know it doesn't come off well, but what can I do? Once stuff's on the internet, it's there forever.
No, but, like, that's true.
It's like when I lost on Judge Joe Brown.
It was moms-versus-daughters week.
You could do what I did, Andrew.
I recently unplugged.
I find it very freeing.
I only have my phone for emergencies, like when I get pulled out of my wheelchair by a maniac.
- And I shall take that one on the chin.
- What chin? Anyway, Missy, I like your unplugging idea a lot.
- Okay.
- And I think I might give it a try.
You will have my support, from a distance.
Ooh, I found it! I found Lola on Judge Joe Brown! I find the defendant, Lola Skumpy, guilty of tryin' on her mother's nighties and gettin' hummus all over them.
Wait, what? Are you joking me? I just got railroaded! [AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
- [GASPING.]
- Scary girl got my billy club! I will smash your brain into a smoothie and drink your thoughts! Oh, my God, he wrote me back.
Read it out loud immediately, please.
Oh! He Venmo'd me 20 cents for hurricane relief.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, he's funny, right? I mean, sure, yeah.
If you're attracted to him, he's very funny.
What are we talking about? Gordie's Journey? Am I right? [LAUGHS.]
I mean, should we just cut school and watch the last four and half episodes, like, I don't know, right now? Ugh, that show about the gay magician? He's not gay! He's bi.
I think.
I don't know, it's very complicated! And everything's in kilometers! You know what? Everybody, just watch the show, okay? So that you can answer some questions about my goddamn personal life.
- [CHIMING.]
- Ohhh Hey, what's up, fam? It's Fart Boy, comin' at you for the last time.
- End of an era.
- Guess what, kids? I've decided to unplug and sign off all screens for good.
You're all sheep, and he's better than you.
- There's a big world out there.
- That's right.
And I'm gonna go discover it, one day at a time.
Wow! That was good.
- I think I gave myself goosebumps.
- You didn't turn it off.
- What? Yes, I did.
- No - Oh, no.
The screen's on.
- The green thing's blinking.
- I know, but I closed the window.
- You gotta - No, but you gotta click the thing.
- Hey, hold on, fam.
- I don't - Where the fuck Settings? Just unplug the whole fuckin' thing.
[SNIFFS.]
Aaah! What a beautiful day! Hello, birds! Hello, tree! Hello, man always leaning against that red Mazda! Hello, world! [MARTY.]
Andrew! Stop talking to the world and tell that bum to move his Mazda! Isn't this place so cool? Yeah, doughnuts are so much better than cupcakes.
- Cupcakes suck.
- They're like muffins wearing makeup.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, you're trolling cupcakes so hard.
You're actually kind of fun.
- You think so? - Totally.
Should we, like, I don't know, take a picture? [PHONE.]
Yeah, go for it.
You're very photogenic from that angle.
- Not that one.
- This one? - Oh, a little to the right and go.
- Yeah? - [WOLF-WHISTLES.]
Hunk alert.
- What's that? That's like an Amber Alert.
But also, there is a kid missing in a red Mazda.
- Oh, no! - But let's post that selfie.
- Okay! - [LAUGHING.]
Yay! You know, you're cute enough to get kidnapped.
- You think? - On the dark web, you'd be worth, like, four Bitcoin.
- Is that a lot? - That's, like, 90 grand.
Whoa! Imagine, my life worth 90 thous Oh, it just went down to 45 grand.
There's my sunshine.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, I'm loving your dinner look.
Well, thanks, darlin'.
And who's this pretty girl? Mom, this is my friend Jessi.
Oh, Matthew's brought a girl home.
How about that? Hey, Dad.
Jessi Glaser, this is my dad, Staff Sergeant Edward MacDell.
Glaser? Hm.
I've known a few Glasers over the years.
Uh Is your mother also Jewish? Uh Yeah.
Yeah.
My mother is Jewish.
She's a Jew Uh, she's Jewish.
Well, we love The Nanny.
Sure.
Um, yeah, Fran Drescher's terrific.
Oh, yeah, we love all those traditional Jewish sitcoms.
Seinfeld, Mad About You, Friends.
Uh, I don't think Friends is Jewish.
Well, yeah, but definitely Monica and Ross Okay.
Well, we're gonna go up to my room now.
Have fun, but not too much fun.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
- Oh, Edward.
Hey, Kimberly, let's enjoy a nice dish of ice cream tonight.
So, does your dad, like, know? We have a fun, throwback sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
Seriously? Oh, that's bullshit.
Honestly, I don't mind it.
I don't have to answer awkward questions, and he can keep his fantasy of me marrying Carrie Underwood.
That's fair.
I actually like her.
So do I.
I just don't want to fuck her.
Speaking of, what can I do to help with the big FaceTime? I don't know.
I I want my room to look nice, but also lived in.
Okay.
How about Can we leave a knife prominently in the background? Like, just for fun? Ooh, yes, I love that.
A hint of menace.
I'm telling you, the lighting in here is all wrong.
We should be doing this in a Taco Bell bathroom, at golden hour.
[PHONE.]
Hey, do you wanna know what time it is - in Sacramento? - Yes, of course.
Nick! Joy to the world, and what a world it is! Did you know that we have a shoe cobbler in downtown Bridgeton? Boy, I hope his son comes home from Afghanistan soon.
The kid'll come home when the mission's accomplished.
Show him the leaf, Andy.
Nick, look at this.
A perfect leaf.
- You're right, that is funny.
- Come on, put down the phone.
Let's live real life.
Fuck real life, it's full of dorks, like this little oatmeal man.
- Yeah.
- [GRUNTS AND FARTS.]
God, what's wrong with me? Every time I move, I fart.
You're like a Rottweiler watching TV.
Too bad you weren't filming that.
Would've been a hilarious post.
- You think so? - Absolutely.
Hey, Andrew, will you do that again? Are you crazy? I'm gonna shit my pants.
- Even better.
- What? I mean, I don't want it to seem forced, but could you? Uh, Nick, it's a little inappropriate to ask me to do that.
- What's the big deal? - I've unplugged.
I found a leaf.
You weren't even paying attention, 'cause you're so glued to your devices.
It's not like you haven't shit your pants before.
- I'm just asking you to do it on film.
- Fuck you! It's not even film, it's just digital, zeroes and ones.
- You know what? Andrew outta here.
- Good.
Peace, bitch! Look at this leaf.
Nature is sexy.
Yeah, what do you want, sweetie? I want to buy you something.
[CHOKING.]
[GROANING.]
Oh fuck, she's inside me.
See you in a few hours, baby.
[RINGING TONE.]
- Hey.
- Hey! Hello.
How was your day? I'd like to see you naked and - Get out of here.
- So, we are doing this.
- We are doing this.
- I - Oh, oh You're frozen.
- What? Uh, maybe don't move around so much? - Sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.
- Oh, shit! He's frozen again.
- No, I just wasn't moving.
- Who are you talking to? - Uh, no one.
Myself.
- Are you - So, I mean - No, you go - No I - I just What? - What? No, you go.
No.
I w I mean, I was just gonna say, um Helloooo.
How was your day? - What are you doing? - The lost art of conversation.
Uh, my day was fine.
Um You know, I forgot, I gotta go, but this was We should Anyway.
Oh, yeah, no, I Yeah, I have to go, too.
Yeah.
I was about to say that.
- So, um, yeah, I have to go, too.
- Okay, sorry.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[GROANS.]
- Matthew, that was, um - Atrocious.
Atrocious was what I was looking for, yeah.
You know what? Aiden's kind of meh, right? - I don't think I like him anymore.
- Forget Aiden.
There's plenty of other gorgeous, funny, out-of-the-closet hunks in this small, suburban tow Jesus, we're fucked, Garfield.
Oh, Diane, you have an eyelash.
Make a wish.
- I'm in the middle of a game.
- Okay.
I'm gonna save it in my apron pocket, and you can blow it away later.
Shit my pants? Why don't you shit your pants? - Fuckin' idiot.
- Something wrong, Andrew? Oh, hi, Dr.
Birch.
I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but your son is obsessed with his stupid phone.
- Hm.
I wonder where he gets that from.
- [BLEEPING.]
Twelve points! That's the most you can get in Boggle.
Yes! Dr.
Birch, this may sound crazy, but was there a time before cell phones? Oh, Andrew, it was glorious.
There were no status updates or apps, and the only Kardashian we knew was a lawyer with a skunk hairdo.
Hold on, no status updates? How did you know what was going on with your friends? We'd all get together at dinner parties, and eat sun-dried tomatoes, and play Trivial Pursuit until Northern Exposure came on.
Wow! I don't know what any of those things are, but a dinner party sounds delightful.
That's just what my friends need.
Ooh! Idea! We should throw one here! - Judd knows some dynamite caterers.
- Yes.
Let's do it.
I can bring the napkin rings I made at Jewish camp.
- And I'll bring my famous guacamole! - Aah! - I do it with Greek yogurt.
- Huh.
- You know where I get my Greek yogurt? - Someplace gross? No! John Stamos' balls.
What do they say about me down at the Harbourfront, Gordie? That I've been queer? That I'm bi-curious? That I'm omnisexual? The only thing I've heard about you, Daniel, is that you steal tricks and also glances.
Oh, you can't show up here with your Halifax face and your Manitoba waist, and talk to me like that.
I'm Daniel Fucking Silvermeadow.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Gimme some maple sugar, baby.
Oh, this show is driving me nuts.
Gordie spends two episodes telling everyone he's a bisexual, and now, suddenly, he's a non-binary pansexual? - And here you go.
- What the fuck is this? One for you.
"An evening of camaraderie and conversation presented by Andrew Glouberman and Dr.
Elliot Birch?" Wait, hold on one second.
I'm sorry, but you're throwing a party with my dad? At your house, yes.
It's a dinner party.
We will share food, but also we will be nourished by our conversation.
Matthew, this sounds truly terrible.
We have to go.
Guys.
Do not go to this weird thing at my house! Nicky, baby, don't worry.
If it sucks, we'll sneak out and watch videos of people cutting soap.
- Like, with a knife? - I'm telling you, it's oddly satisfying.
Okay, fine.
I will try to swing by my own house after school.
- I bet Missy wants to come.
- No, I'm gonna give her space.
If it's meant to be, she'll come back.
Nah, women hate space.
That's why there's no female astronauts.
What about that one who put on Who put on a diaper and drove across country? She's cool.
She can hang.
[BOGGLE GAME BLEEPING.]
[PHONES CHIMING.]
[GROANS.]
Aiden's moved on.
Look at him laughing at Chipotle.
I hope he gets E.
coli from his barbacoa.
Okay, who's ready for appetizers? Coach Steve, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm Coach Part-Time Caterer Steve now, yeah.
They give me a new job every episode.
[CHATTERING.]
I know, I know, but they started talking to me.
Uh, clink, clink.
Uh, eyes up here, everyone.
[CHUCKLES.]
You may have wondered why we've gathered you here tonight.
You see, Dr.
Birch and I want to guide you back to a time when you weren't slavishly devoted to your machine.
- What? - Your phones! Give us your phones, people.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - Oh, no, no, no! I only have one episode left, and I need to see if Gordie's tryst with Becky Leveque, the Labatt's rep from Québec, is a one-time thing or not! - It's just a couple hours.
- Oh, God.
- You can't take our phones.
- Thank you! - We're going back in time.
- Come on, Nick.
You don't wanna put me in the basket.
I know, but maybe it'll be good for us to have a little separation? - Okay, fine.
- Really? Yeah.
I just hope you don't get too many [BUZZES.]
mm, notifications.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I'll put you on airplane mode and we'll join the mile high club.
- Wait, what? - Oh, I - What are you talking about? - I I think I was I was trying to be sexy.
I'm I'm a child, so [CHATTERING.]
You know, I used to be the gym teacher for everybody at this party.
Well, except for the mommy and the daddy.
Hey, Lisa, settle a bet I made with myself.
Are you a tiny bear or a possum with a burglar mask on? - [SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS.]
- [ANDREW.]
Okay, have no fear, the Conversation Hat is here.
First topic.
Oh, this is good.
Who is the tallest woman you've ever met? Now, that's a good question.
Huh? Okay, I'll start.
I was eating very cold French fries - at the YMCA.
- [CHIMING.]
I was there for swimming lessons, - but I refused to get into the pool - Gordie, Gordie - [SHIVERING.]
- Boggle, Boggle, Boggle - [SLOWED.]
She's gotta be seven feet tall.
- [PHONE.]
Nick! - She - [PHONE.]
I have so much to tell you.
I'm coming for ya! I'm coming for ya! [PHONE.]
Yeah, get me, get me.
- She was standing in the deep end - Sic him! Give it! [ANDREW.]
Guys, do not go for the basket! Ah! I'm finishing Gordie's Journey! Ugh! Now Aiden's at Seven Dollar Doughnuts.
Enough of this.
You like him.
Let's just go there.
Come on! Diane, what are you doing? It's my phone! Look at yourself.
You're beautiful, but also a junkie.
- Am I? - A beautiful junkie.
Oh, I missed you so much.
Oh! Thank God you're back.
You have spam from Commerce Bank.
Let's go to my room and unsubscribe.
Just you and me, baby.
Oh, God! You're right, Elliot.
I'm a Boggle junkie.
Here, please, take it off my phone.
Guys! Come on! We still have a lot of fun conversation starters.
How about this one? "If you knew a child was disabled in the womb, would you abort it or see the pregnancy through?" I'd love to stand here and tell you that I'm a pansexual, demi-romantic illusionist.
But all I've really learned is my name is Gordie, and my journey has just begun.
Oh, that's it? Ten episodes, and you learned your name? Come on, that's bullshit! Whoa! What's wrong, kid? Oh, sorry, I didn't realize there was another dinner party up here.
And you're not scared, seein' a bunch of ghosts? Oh, no, there's a shit ton of ghosts at my house.
My old man says witnesses have a funny way of dying.
Stop quoting Your dad's law commercials Oh, baby, what else did I miss? Shia LaBeouf left a bomb at Whole Foods.
Ugh, I bet it's, like, an art project.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! That's such a hot take.
You're so clever.
- You're so pathetic! - What? You couldn't be away from your phone for one night.
Andrew, shouldn't you be hanging out with my father? Idiot.
He and your mother are making love.
But you wouldn't know that, 'cause you're always on your phone.
Okay.
Andrew, you feel like technology's keeping us apart.
- Yes, I do.
- When really, it's bringing us together.
- What? - We have more power in our fingertips - than whole generations before us.
- I'm listening.
Creativity, adaptability, connectability.
AT&T Wireless.
Where will it take you? Okay, that's definitely a cell phone commercial.
But it's still true! When I wanna break down a Mets trade late at night, what do I do? Do I call your house? No, my dad would kill you.
You text me.
And what about when we wanna know the net worth of Liev Schreiber? We Googled it.
It said 16 million, but that still seems high.
- Yeah.
- I guess it's Ray Donovan money.
- And who do you think's on my home screen? - [GASPS.]
It's me.
I don't look half bad in that picture.
'Cause I used an app called Chin Fix to give you a jawline.
I mean, I don't love phones, but if you wanted to post that, - I guess you could.
- You got it, buddy.
I'm doing it as a story so it disappears in 24 hours.
I guess I just feel like your phone is replacing me.
Andrew, nothing could ever replace you.
You're my best friend.
- Really? - Of course.
Thanks, Nick.
I'm gonna go settle up with the raccoons.
- That was all bullshit, right? - Oh, total bullshit.
Ah, I love it when you lie.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I fuckin' do.
Yeah, I'm never gonna tell the truth.
I'm a little psychopath.
Yeah, I'm psycho too, bitch.
I'm just so pissed that Gordie didn't decide dick about his sexuality.
Well, why is it so important that he decides? 'Cause it's not satisfying to the audience! They need an answer! Well, how hard could it be? You're either straight, or you're sweet.
Well, that's not true, Duke.
Most people thought I was gay, but I'm actually bisexual.
And now, there's, like, a million other things you can be.
It's fucking confusing! Sorry to interrupt.
But maybe I can help.
Gordie? But you're just as mixed up as I am.
That's true, Jay.
But I've learned heaps about the spectrum of sexuality.
Let me tell you all about it, in the sexiest place in Canada.
Justin Trudeau's underpants? Nope, the Toronto Harbourfront, after all.
Come on in! The modern world's a sexual cornucopia We take comfort knowing If we're this or that No longer simply straight or gay There's a mind-boggling array And we all are searching for a home To hang our boner's hat Let's begin with the simple androsexual That's an any-gendered person who fucks men But if it's just a part-time dickin' And also ladies you'll be stickin' Then you could be bi or cisgen-MSM Now, should you require romance To get you into no pants Then a demisexual is what you'd be And the omnisexual or pan Will bed all genders, understand? While polysexuals don't fuck all Just two or three Yes, siree On the spectrum of sexuality So, you're telling me there's a category for everybody? - I don't believe it.
- Oh, yeah? Try me.
I sashayed like a nancy boy To make the ladies shriek A gender-normative gynophile With a homophobic streak I was a femme androgenoid From distant outer space A polysexual gender non-conformist Textbook case I died from drugs and heartbreak Forced to hide my same-sex love I fucked ladies who fucked ladies Who fucked me Hm.
A classic closeted bisexual And a philandering cisgen male There's a name for anything You care to be, don't you see? On the spectrum of sexuality Some prefer to be alone When they get naughty They're only turned on By the sight of their own body Well, it's logical as it's lexical They're simply autosexual Like, oh, so many more From sea to sea Whatever horny predilection Makes you wet or prompts erection It's all there, on the spectrum [ALL.]
Of sexuality Huh! I guess I did learn something from that stupid Canadian show.
But where do you fit into all of this, Jay? Hmm.
Oh, what do I even say to him? You say, "Hello.
How was your day?" I tried that! Yeah, but you sounded like a serial killer.
Just be yourself.
- [GROANS.]
- Come on.
- Swirls are just - Oh, Aiden.
Hey, I I didn't know you'd be here.
Well, I just put it up on Instagram.
I know, I I may have seen it.
And I may have put it up hoping you would see it.
He likes you.
He wants to see you naked and beef your timeline.
The miracle of social media.
Maybe sometime we could hang out on purpose? Hang out now, right now.
Hang out with him now! Uh, on purpose sounds great.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what's good here? I'll send it to him later.
Oh, honey, we gotta find someone for you.
One of those caterers at Nick's seemed cute.
You want me to date a raccoon? Oh.
I thought they were tiny bears.
Okay, listen up, jerks! I've got big news.
I, Jay Bilzerian, am a bisexual, cisgendered, polyamorous magician! Ta-da! [CHITTERING.]
Good for you, kid.
Maybe you should tell your friends? Well, that's what I was trying to do, but I dunno, I think my moment's passed.
[CHITTERING.]
Hey, can I confess something? I love eating envelopes.
Me, too, man.
Me, too.
[GROANS.]
Hey, what are you guys up to now? I heard about this awesome dumpster at the Fuddruckers on Central Ave.
You guys wanna head over there, see if there's any loose tomatoes, or what? [SQUEAKING.]
[CHATTERING.]
You're going night windsurfing with Morris Chestnut? Oh, yeah.
You can't pass up that obviously real opportunity.
I hate to admit it, but it's good to be back online.
You bet it is, baby.
Absolutely no emails or activity, but it's good to be here.
The internet makes people feel good.
- Oh, no.
- What? - Look.
- [MAURY.]
Oh, buddy.
- Oh, God.
- What do you think? Should we livestream another angry rant? Nah, I think I'm just gonna jerk off and go to sleep.
- What do you wanna think about? - Uh Oh, gosh.
Ooh.
What about that tall woman from the YMCA? - Huh.
- Remember how big her car was? And she had to push her seat so far back.
I wonder if she played college volleyball.
Oh, Cellsea, I'm so glad we're back together.
I was, like, dying without you.
Yeah, but then I plugged you in.
You wanna watch somebody play a video game that you don't even own? I'll watch anything with you.
- Yeah, you like to watch, don't you? - Yeah, I do.
Well, here's something else you might like.
Now, Miss Skumpy, I understand we have nanny cam footage of the hummus-on-the-nightie incident? That teddy bear is a fucking narc! Oh, Monsieur Teddy Bear, mmm Looks like you can keep a secret.
Mmm [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Well, if you like that, you're gonna love this video of John Stamos jackin' off in a bowl of guac.
Oh, you gotta show me that.
I'm gonna show you everything.
- Do you wanna just stay up all night? - Okay.
And have, like, a weird headache in the morning? - [WHISPERS.]
All fucking night - Yeah.
Why don't you Put that fuckin' phone down? Darlin', so we could be alone now Can't you just be here When the lights go out? Why don't you ever Put that phone down? What could be so goddamn important That it can't wait until the mornin'? You got me right here With my clothes off now Why don't you Put that fuckin' phone down? - Fathouse.
- [LIGHT BULB BUZZING.]
- [OWL HOOTS.]
Oooh.
Aiden looks cute in that picture.
Like it, like it, like it.
No, it's from a year ago.
I don't want him to know how deep I am in his feed.
Come on! You wanna go balls-deep in his feed.
I'm sorry.
Is his feed his mouth? Yep, and his timeline is his ass! It's easy math, my friend.
Oh, oh! He sent me another snap.
Lemme see, lemme see! I wanna be a part of this! "I'm behind a little boy at the mall who keeps calling his mom 'bruh'.
" - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- That's hilarious.
Send him a dick pic! Use my handsome one.
The trick to perfect breakfast tacos is to eat you out.
I'm sorry, that's all he says.
I know it's not applicable here.
I'm gonna send him that random gif of a monkey in a coat getting off a bus.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! He's FaceTiming me? Great.
Here we go! Ooh, Matthew, check my teeth.
I've had nothing but ribs and popcorn today! - No.
Decline, decline! - Why did you do that? We haven't had an actual conversation since the pharmacy.
- So what? - I don't even know what I'd say to him.
You'd say, "Hello, how was your day? I'd like to see you naked and fuck your timeline.
" It's simple, Matt.
The lost art of conversation.
Oh, shit! I'm just gonna text Jessi.
Why are you gonna text Jessi? - She'll know what to do.
- What does she know about timelines? - Maury, shut up! - Fine! - Oh, shit! - What? I just sent "I think I just blew it with Pharmacy Boy" to Aiden! Why would you do that? Because you were distracting me, you horny Sasquatch! - What do I do? What do I do? - Kill yourself! Oh, you're always pitching that! I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh - [DIANE.]
Oh! - [BELL RINGS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- What's so funny? Let me see, I wanna be a part of this.
They updated the graphics, so when I shake my Boggle, it just looks so cute.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, Nick.
- New Phone Day! - New Phone Day! I'm stickin' with burners, asswipes.
That's Judd! Off the grid and outta sight.
Take good care of her.
'Sup, bitch? Oh, you're not Leah! Um I I'm I'm Nick.
Did you steal me? Uh, Leah gave you to me, so Oh, so I'm your possession? No! No, I You know what? Let's start over.
I'm really excited to have a cool new phone like you.
Oh! You think I'm cool? - Yeah.
- Okay.
You know, I have to say, you're so much quicker than my old phone.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Doy.
Do you wanna telephone your father? - No! - Oh, good.
That new update gave me battery cancer.
Ew.
Oh, boy! I just basted you so hard in my own juices.
- [BURBLING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I guess I am the ultimate fuck machine.
But, hey, I don't even know your name.
- [BURBLES.]
- DeLiloh? Huh? - Is that a boy's name or a girl's name? - [BURBLES.]
Well, because I'm on a journey of self-discovery, you fuckin' turkey.
- [BURBLES.]
- Sorry, turkey that I'm fucking.
But come on, DeLiloh, I need to know.
Aah, I need to know.
[GASPS.]
I need to know! Huh! Was that turkey a boy or a girl? [JAY'S MOM.]
Wash your dicks and get ready for school! Pssh.
Life hack.
I wash my dick at school.
So, I have a few minutes to watch Netflix.
Huh.
"Because you watched Penn and Teller: Live and Nude in British Columbia, we recommend Gordie's Journey?" [NETFLIX INTRO SOUND PLAYS.]
[MAN.]
For years, I've been a happily married, straight cis male moose masseuse.
[MOOSE MOANS.]
Oh, yeah, you've got a gaggle of knots.
Do you do computers during the day? But then, in a Calgary minute, everything changed.
Dang it, Gordie! You're quitting your job to be a magician? And you're leaving me to explore your sexuality? You sound loony! And I'm not referring to our nation's currency.
Magic? Sexual confusion? Canada? It's about time to make my true sexual identity appear.
Like in a magic trick, for example.
Whoa! Netflix has so much money they made a show just for me.
Thank you, Ted Sarandos.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Jessi, I need your help with the Aiden situation.
Aka the situ-Aiden.
Oh, my God, I love that.
But, no.
I haven't heard from him in 12 hours.
I think what you need to do is just own this mistake.
Uh What does that mean? Like, start sending him all your texts, like it's on purpose.
I like it.
"Happy birthday, Aunt Linda! Hope that tiny dog brings you the comfort Uncle Leon never could.
" Ooh, funny.
Okay, now text him "hurricane relief" in all caps.
- Oh.
Was there another hurricane? - Ugh, probably.
Don't you follow Al Gore on Twitter? - Gross.
No.
- Well, the Earth is boiling! She's right, it's so hot.
Siri, find "fuckable magma" near me.
Did you mean "edible smegma"? No! But, you know, bookmark that.
Wait, what? Are you gonna put me in your locker all morning? Oh, no, I I'm not supposed to have you in class, so - Ugh! Do you always follow the rules? - No! So, if a website asks if you're 18, what are you gonna say? I'll say I'm 26.
Yeah, he's six foot eight and he plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves! Huh.
Maybe you're not a total dork.
No, I'm actually kind of, like, more of, like, a big dick boy! Oh, yeah? Well, I'd love to take a picture of it.
I'm a photographer.
- P-p-pict Take a picture of my dick? - Uh, yeah.
Ooh! Put a peanut M&M up in there for scale! - Maybe not now, I'm going to class.
- Bust it out! Hey, Nick! What's up? Whoa! Is that Leah's phone case? I would know it anywhere.
Not that I smelled it, or Aah, nobody can sense your panic.
- That's not weird, what I said.
- Perfectly played.
Yeah, it's awesome, right? - [PHONE.]
Oh, Nick.
- Yeah? Did you know there's a cool new artisanal doughnut place near you? We should check it out after school.
Okay.
I can see if Andrew wants to go.
Or it could just be the two of us.
You can stare at me the whole time, or whatever.
- Yeah, that sounds pretty great.
- Well, I'm good, yeah.
I mean, stuff's been Nick? Hey, where you going? - Oop! Lars.
- Oh.
I'll get out of your way.
Unless you wanna just toss me down the hall? Lars, I've been meaning to say this for a while, but I'm sorry for grabbing you and pulling you out of your wheelchair.
I don't buy it.
I've seen all your Fart Boy videos.
We both have.
Your online persona is shockingly toxic.
I know it doesn't come off well, but what can I do? Once stuff's on the internet, it's there forever.
No, but, like, that's true.
It's like when I lost on Judge Joe Brown.
It was moms-versus-daughters week.
You could do what I did, Andrew.
I recently unplugged.
I find it very freeing.
I only have my phone for emergencies, like when I get pulled out of my wheelchair by a maniac.
- And I shall take that one on the chin.
- What chin? Anyway, Missy, I like your unplugging idea a lot.
- Okay.
- And I think I might give it a try.
You will have my support, from a distance.
Ooh, I found it! I found Lola on Judge Joe Brown! I find the defendant, Lola Skumpy, guilty of tryin' on her mother's nighties and gettin' hummus all over them.
Wait, what? Are you joking me? I just got railroaded! [AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
- [GASPING.]
- Scary girl got my billy club! I will smash your brain into a smoothie and drink your thoughts! Oh, my God, he wrote me back.
Read it out loud immediately, please.
Oh! He Venmo'd me 20 cents for hurricane relief.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, he's funny, right? I mean, sure, yeah.
If you're attracted to him, he's very funny.
What are we talking about? Gordie's Journey? Am I right? [LAUGHS.]
I mean, should we just cut school and watch the last four and half episodes, like, I don't know, right now? Ugh, that show about the gay magician? He's not gay! He's bi.
I think.
I don't know, it's very complicated! And everything's in kilometers! You know what? Everybody, just watch the show, okay? So that you can answer some questions about my goddamn personal life.
- [CHIMING.]
- Ohhh Hey, what's up, fam? It's Fart Boy, comin' at you for the last time.
- End of an era.
- Guess what, kids? I've decided to unplug and sign off all screens for good.
You're all sheep, and he's better than you.
- There's a big world out there.
- That's right.
And I'm gonna go discover it, one day at a time.
Wow! That was good.
- I think I gave myself goosebumps.
- You didn't turn it off.
- What? Yes, I did.
- No - Oh, no.
The screen's on.
- The green thing's blinking.
- I know, but I closed the window.
- You gotta - No, but you gotta click the thing.
- Hey, hold on, fam.
- I don't - Where the fuck Settings? Just unplug the whole fuckin' thing.
[SNIFFS.]
Aaah! What a beautiful day! Hello, birds! Hello, tree! Hello, man always leaning against that red Mazda! Hello, world! [MARTY.]
Andrew! Stop talking to the world and tell that bum to move his Mazda! Isn't this place so cool? Yeah, doughnuts are so much better than cupcakes.
- Cupcakes suck.
- They're like muffins wearing makeup.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, you're trolling cupcakes so hard.
You're actually kind of fun.
- You think so? - Totally.
Should we, like, I don't know, take a picture? [PHONE.]
Yeah, go for it.
You're very photogenic from that angle.
- Not that one.
- This one? - Oh, a little to the right and go.
- Yeah? - [WOLF-WHISTLES.]
Hunk alert.
- What's that? That's like an Amber Alert.
But also, there is a kid missing in a red Mazda.
- Oh, no! - But let's post that selfie.
- Okay! - [LAUGHING.]
Yay! You know, you're cute enough to get kidnapped.
- You think? - On the dark web, you'd be worth, like, four Bitcoin.
- Is that a lot? - That's, like, 90 grand.
Whoa! Imagine, my life worth 90 thous Oh, it just went down to 45 grand.
There's my sunshine.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, I'm loving your dinner look.
Well, thanks, darlin'.
And who's this pretty girl? Mom, this is my friend Jessi.
Oh, Matthew's brought a girl home.
How about that? Hey, Dad.
Jessi Glaser, this is my dad, Staff Sergeant Edward MacDell.
Glaser? Hm.
I've known a few Glasers over the years.
Uh Is your mother also Jewish? Uh Yeah.
Yeah.
My mother is Jewish.
She's a Jew Uh, she's Jewish.
Well, we love The Nanny.
Sure.
Um, yeah, Fran Drescher's terrific.
Oh, yeah, we love all those traditional Jewish sitcoms.
Seinfeld, Mad About You, Friends.
Uh, I don't think Friends is Jewish.
Well, yeah, but definitely Monica and Ross Okay.
Well, we're gonna go up to my room now.
Have fun, but not too much fun.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
- Oh, Edward.
Hey, Kimberly, let's enjoy a nice dish of ice cream tonight.
So, does your dad, like, know? We have a fun, throwback sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
Seriously? Oh, that's bullshit.
Honestly, I don't mind it.
I don't have to answer awkward questions, and he can keep his fantasy of me marrying Carrie Underwood.
That's fair.
I actually like her.
So do I.
I just don't want to fuck her.
Speaking of, what can I do to help with the big FaceTime? I don't know.
I I want my room to look nice, but also lived in.
Okay.
How about Can we leave a knife prominently in the background? Like, just for fun? Ooh, yes, I love that.
A hint of menace.
I'm telling you, the lighting in here is all wrong.
We should be doing this in a Taco Bell bathroom, at golden hour.
[PHONE.]
Hey, do you wanna know what time it is - in Sacramento? - Yes, of course.
Nick! Joy to the world, and what a world it is! Did you know that we have a shoe cobbler in downtown Bridgeton? Boy, I hope his son comes home from Afghanistan soon.
The kid'll come home when the mission's accomplished.
Show him the leaf, Andy.
Nick, look at this.
A perfect leaf.
- You're right, that is funny.
- Come on, put down the phone.
Let's live real life.
Fuck real life, it's full of dorks, like this little oatmeal man.
- Yeah.
- [GRUNTS AND FARTS.]
God, what's wrong with me? Every time I move, I fart.
You're like a Rottweiler watching TV.
Too bad you weren't filming that.
Would've been a hilarious post.
- You think so? - Absolutely.
Hey, Andrew, will you do that again? Are you crazy? I'm gonna shit my pants.
- Even better.
- What? I mean, I don't want it to seem forced, but could you? Uh, Nick, it's a little inappropriate to ask me to do that.
- What's the big deal? - I've unplugged.
I found a leaf.
You weren't even paying attention, 'cause you're so glued to your devices.
It's not like you haven't shit your pants before.
- I'm just asking you to do it on film.
- Fuck you! It's not even film, it's just digital, zeroes and ones.
- You know what? Andrew outta here.
- Good.
Peace, bitch! Look at this leaf.
Nature is sexy.
Yeah, what do you want, sweetie? I want to buy you something.
[CHOKING.]
[GROANING.]
Oh fuck, she's inside me.
See you in a few hours, baby.
[RINGING TONE.]
- Hey.
- Hey! Hello.
How was your day? I'd like to see you naked and - Get out of here.
- So, we are doing this.
- We are doing this.
- I - Oh, oh You're frozen.
- What? Uh, maybe don't move around so much? - Sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.
- Oh, shit! He's frozen again.
- No, I just wasn't moving.
- Who are you talking to? - Uh, no one.
Myself.
- Are you - So, I mean - No, you go - No I - I just What? - What? No, you go.
No.
I w I mean, I was just gonna say, um Helloooo.
How was your day? - What are you doing? - The lost art of conversation.
Uh, my day was fine.
Um You know, I forgot, I gotta go, but this was We should Anyway.
Oh, yeah, no, I Yeah, I have to go, too.
Yeah.
I was about to say that.
- So, um, yeah, I have to go, too.
- Okay, sorry.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[GROANS.]
- Matthew, that was, um - Atrocious.
Atrocious was what I was looking for, yeah.
You know what? Aiden's kind of meh, right? - I don't think I like him anymore.
- Forget Aiden.
There's plenty of other gorgeous, funny, out-of-the-closet hunks in this small, suburban tow Jesus, we're fucked, Garfield.
Oh, Diane, you have an eyelash.
Make a wish.
- I'm in the middle of a game.
- Okay.
I'm gonna save it in my apron pocket, and you can blow it away later.
Shit my pants? Why don't you shit your pants? - Fuckin' idiot.
- Something wrong, Andrew? Oh, hi, Dr.
Birch.
I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but your son is obsessed with his stupid phone.
- Hm.
I wonder where he gets that from.
- [BLEEPING.]
Twelve points! That's the most you can get in Boggle.
Yes! Dr.
Birch, this may sound crazy, but was there a time before cell phones? Oh, Andrew, it was glorious.
There were no status updates or apps, and the only Kardashian we knew was a lawyer with a skunk hairdo.
Hold on, no status updates? How did you know what was going on with your friends? We'd all get together at dinner parties, and eat sun-dried tomatoes, and play Trivial Pursuit until Northern Exposure came on.
Wow! I don't know what any of those things are, but a dinner party sounds delightful.
That's just what my friends need.
Ooh! Idea! We should throw one here! - Judd knows some dynamite caterers.
- Yes.
Let's do it.
I can bring the napkin rings I made at Jewish camp.
- And I'll bring my famous guacamole! - Aah! - I do it with Greek yogurt.
- Huh.
- You know where I get my Greek yogurt? - Someplace gross? No! John Stamos' balls.
What do they say about me down at the Harbourfront, Gordie? That I've been queer? That I'm bi-curious? That I'm omnisexual? The only thing I've heard about you, Daniel, is that you steal tricks and also glances.
Oh, you can't show up here with your Halifax face and your Manitoba waist, and talk to me like that.
I'm Daniel Fucking Silvermeadow.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Gimme some maple sugar, baby.
Oh, this show is driving me nuts.
Gordie spends two episodes telling everyone he's a bisexual, and now, suddenly, he's a non-binary pansexual? - And here you go.
- What the fuck is this? One for you.
"An evening of camaraderie and conversation presented by Andrew Glouberman and Dr.
Elliot Birch?" Wait, hold on one second.
I'm sorry, but you're throwing a party with my dad? At your house, yes.
It's a dinner party.
We will share food, but also we will be nourished by our conversation.
Matthew, this sounds truly terrible.
We have to go.
Guys.
Do not go to this weird thing at my house! Nicky, baby, don't worry.
If it sucks, we'll sneak out and watch videos of people cutting soap.
- Like, with a knife? - I'm telling you, it's oddly satisfying.
Okay, fine.
I will try to swing by my own house after school.
- I bet Missy wants to come.
- No, I'm gonna give her space.
If it's meant to be, she'll come back.
Nah, women hate space.
That's why there's no female astronauts.
What about that one who put on Who put on a diaper and drove across country? She's cool.
She can hang.
[BOGGLE GAME BLEEPING.]
[PHONES CHIMING.]
[GROANS.]
Aiden's moved on.
Look at him laughing at Chipotle.
I hope he gets E.
coli from his barbacoa.
Okay, who's ready for appetizers? Coach Steve, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm Coach Part-Time Caterer Steve now, yeah.
They give me a new job every episode.
[CHATTERING.]
I know, I know, but they started talking to me.
Uh, clink, clink.
Uh, eyes up here, everyone.
[CHUCKLES.]
You may have wondered why we've gathered you here tonight.
You see, Dr.
Birch and I want to guide you back to a time when you weren't slavishly devoted to your machine.
- What? - Your phones! Give us your phones, people.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - Oh, no, no, no! I only have one episode left, and I need to see if Gordie's tryst with Becky Leveque, the Labatt's rep from Québec, is a one-time thing or not! - It's just a couple hours.
- Oh, God.
- You can't take our phones.
- Thank you! - We're going back in time.
- Come on, Nick.
You don't wanna put me in the basket.
I know, but maybe it'll be good for us to have a little separation? - Okay, fine.
- Really? Yeah.
I just hope you don't get too many [BUZZES.]
mm, notifications.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I'll put you on airplane mode and we'll join the mile high club.
- Wait, what? - Oh, I - What are you talking about? - I I think I was I was trying to be sexy.
I'm I'm a child, so [CHATTERING.]
You know, I used to be the gym teacher for everybody at this party.
Well, except for the mommy and the daddy.
Hey, Lisa, settle a bet I made with myself.
Are you a tiny bear or a possum with a burglar mask on? - [SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS.]
- [ANDREW.]
Okay, have no fear, the Conversation Hat is here.
First topic.
Oh, this is good.
Who is the tallest woman you've ever met? Now, that's a good question.
Huh? Okay, I'll start.
I was eating very cold French fries - at the YMCA.
- [CHIMING.]
I was there for swimming lessons, - but I refused to get into the pool - Gordie, Gordie - [SHIVERING.]
- Boggle, Boggle, Boggle - [SLOWED.]
She's gotta be seven feet tall.
- [PHONE.]
Nick! - She - [PHONE.]
I have so much to tell you.
I'm coming for ya! I'm coming for ya! [PHONE.]
Yeah, get me, get me.
- She was standing in the deep end - Sic him! Give it! [ANDREW.]
Guys, do not go for the basket! Ah! I'm finishing Gordie's Journey! Ugh! Now Aiden's at Seven Dollar Doughnuts.
Enough of this.
You like him.
Let's just go there.
Come on! Diane, what are you doing? It's my phone! Look at yourself.
You're beautiful, but also a junkie.
- Am I? - A beautiful junkie.
Oh, I missed you so much.
Oh! Thank God you're back.
You have spam from Commerce Bank.
Let's go to my room and unsubscribe.
Just you and me, baby.
Oh, God! You're right, Elliot.
I'm a Boggle junkie.
Here, please, take it off my phone.
Guys! Come on! We still have a lot of fun conversation starters.
How about this one? "If you knew a child was disabled in the womb, would you abort it or see the pregnancy through?" I'd love to stand here and tell you that I'm a pansexual, demi-romantic illusionist.
But all I've really learned is my name is Gordie, and my journey has just begun.
Oh, that's it? Ten episodes, and you learned your name? Come on, that's bullshit! Whoa! What's wrong, kid? Oh, sorry, I didn't realize there was another dinner party up here.
And you're not scared, seein' a bunch of ghosts? Oh, no, there's a shit ton of ghosts at my house.
My old man says witnesses have a funny way of dying.
Stop quoting Your dad's law commercials Oh, baby, what else did I miss? Shia LaBeouf left a bomb at Whole Foods.
Ugh, I bet it's, like, an art project.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! That's such a hot take.
You're so clever.
- You're so pathetic! - What? You couldn't be away from your phone for one night.
Andrew, shouldn't you be hanging out with my father? Idiot.
He and your mother are making love.
But you wouldn't know that, 'cause you're always on your phone.
Okay.
Andrew, you feel like technology's keeping us apart.
- Yes, I do.
- When really, it's bringing us together.
- What? - We have more power in our fingertips - than whole generations before us.
- I'm listening.
Creativity, adaptability, connectability.
AT&T Wireless.
Where will it take you? Okay, that's definitely a cell phone commercial.
But it's still true! When I wanna break down a Mets trade late at night, what do I do? Do I call your house? No, my dad would kill you.
You text me.
And what about when we wanna know the net worth of Liev Schreiber? We Googled it.
It said 16 million, but that still seems high.
- Yeah.
- I guess it's Ray Donovan money.
- And who do you think's on my home screen? - [GASPS.]
It's me.
I don't look half bad in that picture.
'Cause I used an app called Chin Fix to give you a jawline.
I mean, I don't love phones, but if you wanted to post that, - I guess you could.
- You got it, buddy.
I'm doing it as a story so it disappears in 24 hours.
I guess I just feel like your phone is replacing me.
Andrew, nothing could ever replace you.
You're my best friend.
- Really? - Of course.
Thanks, Nick.
I'm gonna go settle up with the raccoons.
- That was all bullshit, right? - Oh, total bullshit.
Ah, I love it when you lie.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I fuckin' do.
Yeah, I'm never gonna tell the truth.
I'm a little psychopath.
Yeah, I'm psycho too, bitch.
I'm just so pissed that Gordie didn't decide dick about his sexuality.
Well, why is it so important that he decides? 'Cause it's not satisfying to the audience! They need an answer! Well, how hard could it be? You're either straight, or you're sweet.
Well, that's not true, Duke.
Most people thought I was gay, but I'm actually bisexual.
And now, there's, like, a million other things you can be.
It's fucking confusing! Sorry to interrupt.
But maybe I can help.
Gordie? But you're just as mixed up as I am.
That's true, Jay.
But I've learned heaps about the spectrum of sexuality.
Let me tell you all about it, in the sexiest place in Canada.
Justin Trudeau's underpants? Nope, the Toronto Harbourfront, after all.
Come on in! The modern world's a sexual cornucopia We take comfort knowing If we're this or that No longer simply straight or gay There's a mind-boggling array And we all are searching for a home To hang our boner's hat Let's begin with the simple androsexual That's an any-gendered person who fucks men But if it's just a part-time dickin' And also ladies you'll be stickin' Then you could be bi or cisgen-MSM Now, should you require romance To get you into no pants Then a demisexual is what you'd be And the omnisexual or pan Will bed all genders, understand? While polysexuals don't fuck all Just two or three Yes, siree On the spectrum of sexuality So, you're telling me there's a category for everybody? - I don't believe it.
- Oh, yeah? Try me.
I sashayed like a nancy boy To make the ladies shriek A gender-normative gynophile With a homophobic streak I was a femme androgenoid From distant outer space A polysexual gender non-conformist Textbook case I died from drugs and heartbreak Forced to hide my same-sex love I fucked ladies who fucked ladies Who fucked me Hm.
A classic closeted bisexual And a philandering cisgen male There's a name for anything You care to be, don't you see? On the spectrum of sexuality Some prefer to be alone When they get naughty They're only turned on By the sight of their own body Well, it's logical as it's lexical They're simply autosexual Like, oh, so many more From sea to sea Whatever horny predilection Makes you wet or prompts erection It's all there, on the spectrum [ALL.]
Of sexuality Huh! I guess I did learn something from that stupid Canadian show.
But where do you fit into all of this, Jay? Hmm.
Oh, what do I even say to him? You say, "Hello.
How was your day?" I tried that! Yeah, but you sounded like a serial killer.
Just be yourself.
- [GROANS.]
- Come on.
- Swirls are just - Oh, Aiden.
Hey, I I didn't know you'd be here.
Well, I just put it up on Instagram.
I know, I I may have seen it.
And I may have put it up hoping you would see it.
He likes you.
He wants to see you naked and beef your timeline.
The miracle of social media.
Maybe sometime we could hang out on purpose? Hang out now, right now.
Hang out with him now! Uh, on purpose sounds great.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what's good here? I'll send it to him later.
Oh, honey, we gotta find someone for you.
One of those caterers at Nick's seemed cute.
You want me to date a raccoon? Oh.
I thought they were tiny bears.
Okay, listen up, jerks! I've got big news.
I, Jay Bilzerian, am a bisexual, cisgendered, polyamorous magician! Ta-da! [CHITTERING.]
Good for you, kid.
Maybe you should tell your friends? Well, that's what I was trying to do, but I dunno, I think my moment's passed.
[CHITTERING.]
Hey, can I confess something? I love eating envelopes.
Me, too, man.
Me, too.
[GROANS.]
Hey, what are you guys up to now? I heard about this awesome dumpster at the Fuddruckers on Central Ave.
You guys wanna head over there, see if there's any loose tomatoes, or what? [SQUEAKING.]
[CHATTERING.]
You're going night windsurfing with Morris Chestnut? Oh, yeah.
You can't pass up that obviously real opportunity.
I hate to admit it, but it's good to be back online.
You bet it is, baby.
Absolutely no emails or activity, but it's good to be here.
The internet makes people feel good.
- Oh, no.
- What? - Look.
- [MAURY.]
Oh, buddy.
- Oh, God.
- What do you think? Should we livestream another angry rant? Nah, I think I'm just gonna jerk off and go to sleep.
- What do you wanna think about? - Uh Oh, gosh.
Ooh.
What about that tall woman from the YMCA? - Huh.
- Remember how big her car was? And she had to push her seat so far back.
I wonder if she played college volleyball.
Oh, Cellsea, I'm so glad we're back together.
I was, like, dying without you.
Yeah, but then I plugged you in.
You wanna watch somebody play a video game that you don't even own? I'll watch anything with you.
- Yeah, you like to watch, don't you? - Yeah, I do.
Well, here's something else you might like.
Now, Miss Skumpy, I understand we have nanny cam footage of the hummus-on-the-nightie incident? That teddy bear is a fucking narc! Oh, Monsieur Teddy Bear, mmm Looks like you can keep a secret.
Mmm [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Well, if you like that, you're gonna love this video of John Stamos jackin' off in a bowl of guac.
Oh, you gotta show me that.
I'm gonna show you everything.
- Do you wanna just stay up all night? - Okay.
And have, like, a weird headache in the morning? - [WHISPERS.]
All fucking night - Yeah.
Why don't you Put that fuckin' phone down? Darlin', so we could be alone now Can't you just be here When the lights go out? Why don't you ever Put that phone down? What could be so goddamn important That it can't wait until the mornin'? You got me right here With my clothes off now Why don't you Put that fuckin' phone down? - Fathouse.
- [LIGHT BULB BUZZING.]