Big Mouth (2017) s03e05 Episode Script
Florida
1 [CAR HORN BLARES.]
Let's go! Let's go! We're already late! It's 7:01.
Yeah, and he said 7:00.
Let's go.
It's spring break, it's supposed to be relaxing.
Marty Glouberman doesn't relax.
The man eats on the toilet to save time.
[GROANS.]
Jesus, Connie, what did you pack in here? - I didn't know what to bring.
- It's Florida, baby.
The only time you don't wear a bathing suit is to a funeral.
And even then, it depends on who died.
No one is dying, Maury.
Honestly, I've never been to Florida and not watched someone die.
Luckily, I've brought a grieving Speedo.
Mmm.
My condolences.
[PURRS.]
Thanks again for taking him, Barbara.
You know, Nick is going through a real, um asshole phase.
Oh, then he'll fit right in with the Glouber-men.
I'm getting flop sweats just thinking about all that testosterone and shoulder hair.
Do you want a couple Xanax? I kissed a few into Elliot's mouth this morning for his separation anxiety.
[SOBBING.]
I'm just gonna miss him so much.
[HORN HONKS.]
[NICK.]
You can stop honking now, Dad.
- I'll stop when we're in Florida! - [HONKING.]
[MARTY.]
Argh! Come on, come on! We already know who's in the show! What is that, a sperm? Disgusting! Skip the intro already, would ya? We don't have time! Mantzoukas? Too many letters.
Ugh, who is watchin' this garbage? The neo-Nazi trolls on YouTube are right, this show is disgusting! You know who had a good intro song? Two and a Half Men.
They got right to the point.
Men! Come on, already! Let's literally get this show on the road.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, that's funny.
They should put that in the show.
[HORN BLARING.]
What is this Seder thing again? Nicola, you don't know? I'm kidding.
It's just this long, boring dinner with my angry grandpa and my lame cousin, Cheryl.
Ugh! Cheryl's such a baby.
She makes us play My Little Pony.
We wanna play big-boy stuff like baseball cards and Mad Libs! Andrew, the Seder is when we tell the story of Passover, the one time our people did the screwing! Oh, here we go.
We were Pharaoh's slaves, forced to do all sorts of labor, unlike Andrew, who could barely use a Swiffer WetJet! It is not as intuitive as it looks.
One day, God turned Himself into a burning bush.
Oh, I had that before.
And he tells Moses, "Get outta Egypt already!" But the Pharaoh, he won't let him go.
- So, God hits 'em with ten plagues.
- [THUNDERCLAP.]
Locusts, hail, and finally, the big one My firstborn penis.
Why, God? Why? 'Cause you didn't paint the lamb's blood above the door like I told you.
I don't like chores.
Pharaoh said, "Scram," so we had to get out fast.
Oh, but I'm waiting for the bread to rise.
It's 7:01! Just make it matzo! Then this Pharaoh Schlemiel, he changes his mind, but God had one more trick up his sleeve.
He parts the Red Sea.
Great, three-drachma leather sandals ruined.
And then what, they just went to Israel? No, they spent 40 years in the desert 'cause they didn't know how to make good time.
- [HONKS HORN.]
- Marty, it's sweltering.
Please turn on the AC.
What, are you crazy? I'm gettin' great gas mileage.
Andrew, blow on your mother.
He doesn't know how to blow cool air.
He snorts! It's true, Nick, I only know how to exhale through my nose.
- No, I did it again.
- [GROANS.]
- [CACKLING.]
- What the The change is coming, Barbara.
[CACKLES.]
How does she know my name? Mr.
Glouberman, I'm starving.
- Where do you see us stopping for lunch? - [LAUGHS.]
We've got wet salami sandwiches in tinfoil, a thermos of clam chowder, and some Chex Mix in an old Band-Aid box.
- Help yourself.
- Can we at least stop - to go to the bathroom? - Hah! - Ha-ha! - We stop when I need gas.
Until then, you're more than welcome to finish the chowder and pee in the thermos.
And it's hard to aim into the thermos! - What? It's huge, the thermos.
- Yeah, just try.
- [HISSING.]
- [COUGHING.]
[PANTING.]
Oh, no! There's a fire! Val! Kurt! Mom, Dad! Where are you guys? We gotta get outta here! Whoa, did someone gift-wrap our house? [GASPS.]
I'm a present for a giant.
[COUGHING.]
Holy shit! There was a kid in there! What? The whole family should be on spring break.
They Home Alone'd me? Hah! Classic Bilzerian move.
[LAUGHS.]
Did they, uh Did they say when they'd be back? You're in luck, Mr.
Too Good to Piss in a Thermos.
- I need gas.
- Oh, thank God! I got a salami and clam chowder poop that's backed up to my throat.
God, look at the prices.
Now, you listen to me, Nick.
We have exactly the amount of time it takes my dad to fill his gas tank, or he will leave without us.
- No child left behind.
- No child left behind.
Let's do this! Okay.
Oh, Jesus Christ, there's so much blood.
Oh, just shit on the blood.
I'll piss into the sink.
I'm lookin' around, I'm seein' hair dye and a razor.
I think someone got shot - and changed their identity in here.
- Let's go! There's a half-eaten ice-cream sandwich.
- Andrew! - God.
He let his guard down for one second - and they got him, Nick.
- What? - Oh, all of a sudden, I can't go.
- Andrew! Psst.
The change is coming.
[CACKLES.]
What change? - [CACKLES.]
- What are you talking about? You finish up in here, I'm gonna go get a snack.
Sh! Don't talk, it's finally coming out.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [STEVE.]
That's gonna cost you.
- What? - A high five, my dude.
- Coach Steve? - I'm actually North Carolina Gas Station Attendant Coach Steve now.
We don't have time for a Coach Steve bit! - We're movin' out! - I gotta go.
I flushed, and the blood sprayed my tushy! It's okay, Andrew.
We'll give you a Handi Wipe in the car.
- Come on, jump! - Okay.
- [GROANS.]
- [GASPS.]
Andrew! Careful with my precious door.
- [MOANS.]
- [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[COUGHING.]
Don't worry, I'm okay because and I know you're not supposed to say this anymore but I'm fire retardant, so Hey, Mrs.
Diane Mommy and Soft-Daddy Dr.
B.
[CHUCKLES.]
Please, Jay, call me by that name.
Is, uh is Nick home? Nick actually went to Florida with Andrew and his family.
Oh, right, yeah, that's cool.
Outta curiosity, before I leave, do you have any, like, old pizza crusts or white wine backwash? If you're hungry, we're about to sit down for dinner.
Would you like to join us? Wait, really? Uh Like, without Nick? - Yes.
- Any friend of my son is a son of mine.
Yeah, okay.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
I was just gonna dress up like a duck and try and score some bread at the park, but this is so much better! - [CHUCKLING.]
- [MAURY.]
Ooh.
Someone is for sure gonna die.
Nick, welcome to Lakeland, Florida, the upper Bronx of the Greater Tampa Bay Area.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
- Help me, boy, I died yesterday.
- [SCREAMS.]
Isn't it weird how strong his grip is? Andrew, this place is not, uh ideal.
Oh, did I not mention that it sucks? Let's get outta here.
I wanna go to South Beach to see a wet dick contest! Yeah, let's blow a line of Lipitor and use my Radisson points.
You made shit time.
We got a late start, Dad.
Yeah, well, if you were late in Korea, they made you eat your own socks.
You weren't in Korea, Lewis.
Yeah, well, I read about it on the History channel.
Hi, Zaide.
How's your hip? Ugh You wanna know? I I care, a little.
I squeak, all right? Every time I get Cream of Wheat from the cabinet.
Hello, I'm Nick Birch, I'm Andrew's friend.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that we're very exhausted and deeply disappointed - with where we find ourselves.
- Yeah, me too.
So maybe you could just show us to our rooms? Your rooms? Right this way, Your Highness.
- I call it the floor.
- For real? What? That's where I do my physical therapy every morning.
- Nude.
I hope you like white pubes.
- [GROANS.]
[GRUNTING AND SNORTING.]
Sweetie, does your family know where you are? The question is, do I know where they are? [LAUGHS.]
- I do not.
- Oh, dear.
Well, this has been the best night of my life.
So, I'm just gonna go find a street mattress to sleep on.
Ooh, may I borrow a steak knife, just in case there are mustache men? Absolutely not.
Yeah, you're right, I can just bite 'em with my mouth knives.
No, you'll sleep here, in Nick's room.
Wait, am I the new Nick? - No, Jay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I get it.
We like you just the way you are.
Oh, my Go [SNORING.]
Why can't we sleep in your grandfather's room? There's a whole empty bed in there.
Nick, are you kidding? That bed is for old newspapers.
Shut up, you two.
Go to sleep! We have a long and terrible day tomorrow.
It's so hot in here, Marty.
I hate to say it, but I think we need to turn on the air conditioner.
Sh! He'll hear you.
[GRUMBLES.]
I'm not a millionaire.
- [SNORING.]
- Fine.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
Don't let the mosquitoes in.
Oh, I feel like my skin is boiling.
[OLD WOMAN.]
Change, change, change [GASPS.]
It's you! [HISSING AND CACKLING.]
A year goes by, no blood to let - No men need fear to heed my threat! - Oh, God! Your mood, she swings, the tears do fall And soon you'll dance at the Banshee's Ball! - [CACKLING.]
- Aah! The Banshee's Ball? I don't wanna go! [MARTY.]
Me neither! Where are we not going? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Oh, I can't believe it's hailing.
Yep, just when you think Florida can't get any worse, it rips out its belly button ring and punches you in the face with it.
Andrew, are you enjoying this? I am.
I like it when things are as bad for you as they are for me.
Okay, yeah, that's fair.
I see that.
Imagine living like this.
You got a booger hanging out your nose.
Yeah, I know, and if I pull that rip cord, there's a bucket of blood behind it.
[SNIFFS.]
Ahem.
Now, Marty, promise me you and Skip aren't gonna fight over the afikomen at the Seder this year.
I won't start if he doesn't.
Hey, big brother.
- How you doin', Skip? - Barbara, you look stunning.
You know, if you ever wanna leave the zero and, uh, you know, have, um - sex with your brother-in-law - Ugh.
- you know where to find me.
- On Dad's couch? What can I say? The couch and I have a lot in common.
We both pull out.
Oh, God.
My Little Pony, is that you? Cousin Cheryl? It's Cherry now.
I changed it.
- Cherry Maraschino.
- Oh, wow.
I was told I needed, like, a catchy stage name if I wanted to vape competitively.
Certainly better than Cheryl Glouberman.
- Hah, yeah, Glouberman sucks.
- You look good, cuz.
Wow-wow-wee-wow! My cousin! Hi, Cherry, I'm Nick.
I'm kind of the Bradley Cooper to Andrew's Ed Helms.
- Thank you.
- Oh, cool, a Hangover reference.
- Yeah.
- That's not dated.
- Yeah, I I guess - Guys, this is my friend, Vicki.
'Sup.
Y'all fools wanna sink a boat? - Andrew, Cherry's, like, hot.
- Ew, that's my cousin.
Don't talk about how her butt fills her jean shorts like two plastic bags filled with so much syrup.
- What? - Just don't talk about it.
She's my cousin! Brainstorm! Let's go to LongHorn's for some steaks! Restaurant steaks for lunch? Who are you, Vince McMahon? Uh-oh.
Sounds like he wants to wrestle, Skip.
Oh, let's do it.
Dad's room, no shoes.
- Don't touch my newspapers.
- No one is wrestling! The hell we're not.
Barbara, help me move the couch! [CHERRY.]
Yo, cuz, check this out.
Oh! Look at us.
Can you believe we were ever that young? - Or that naked.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Sure.
Except for my bath glasses.
How funny would it be if we took another bath together? - What's that now? - Uh, you wanna take a bath with me? Oh, I'm just fucking with you.
You're so gullible.
It's kinda cute, you gross perv.
Wait, wait, wait.
What the fuck is she doing? - Y'all wanna go to an abandoned marina? - Abandoned marina, Andrew? - I don't know about this, Nick.
- Could be fun.
Yes, let's follow this little psycho to a boat graveyard.
You gotta slither under a fence.
- It'll scratch your back up good.
- What? Y'all ever seen a fish explode it's so dead? You didn't realize you forgot him? Uh-huh.
Oh, and there's a $10 change fee if you shorten your trip.
I see.
What's this mouth sauce called again? Oh, we call that toothpaste.
So, I put this on the bathroom fork? - [CRUNCHES.]
Mmm.
- No, no, no, you don't eat it! Ah, shit! Oh, sorry, language.
Fuck! Good news, Jay.
You can stay with us until your family gets back.
And also, your brothers really want you to know, you weren't Home Alone'd, - you were Homo Alone'd.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, man! And then one of them farted into the receiver.
Did it squeak, or was it wet? It sounded wet.
Classic Kurt.
Shit on another hotel phone.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ANDREW.]
Wow! Incredible.
Was that last one a guy filling out a bank loan? Close.
It was a declaration of bankruptcy.
You can't do nothing to him now.
- Andrew, come sit with me.
- Um Okay.
I wanna see those pasty-white thighs spread across the dock.
- Okay.
- Your knees look like dry biscuits.
- Thank you? - I dunno, man, I can't get a read on this chick.
My sexual detector doesn't have a horny-cousin setting.
What's cool about a piss pop is that they're frozen and they're your piss.
And if someone eat one, then they have your piss in their stomach.
Uh-huh, and a piss pop, that's a Florida delicacy? Hey, sweet lips, you think anyone would ever look for you? If What Where If How many people do you think are at the bottom of that canal right now? I don't know, twe twelve? - For now.
- Ah, is she Threatenin' to kill ya? I don't know.
These Florida girls are hard to read.
So, what's going on at your school? Are you guys doing hand jobs and stuff? Either she wants you, or she swallowed a roll of quarters.
No, she doesn't, she's my cousin.
Maybe she's just fucking with me.
Maybe that's her thing.
Maybe it gets her off, to fuck with her own cousin.
Well, everyone's doing 'em here.
[GASPS.]
Could you imagine if I gave you a hand job? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Our dads would be so pissed.
- Would they be there? - Do you want them to be? [WHIRRING.]
Great! She broke the thingy.
You wanna give me a hand job? Ew, no! [LAUGHS.]
- You're my cousin! - You're my cousin, I know! What People are nuts! I'm just talking about sucking your tongue down my throat.
- Holy shit! - Dude, we gotta get outta here.
Vicki just showed me her stepdaddy's corpse.
One of my stepdaddies'.
Hey, if we ain't gonna sink a boat, let's go spill SpaghettiOs on a baby's head and wait for a dog to come lick it up.
Let's go, girls.
I got a business meeting.
Selling old Four Lokos in that community college parking lot is not a business! - What do you know? - Boys, boys, please.
You're both disappointments.
- See you at the Seder, cuz.
- Oh, boy.
Yeah, and I'll see you too, Nick.
You better watch your ass, you little Beverly Hills Chihuahua bitch.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
Andrew, I think Vicki might wanna kill me.
That's cool.
I think Cherry might wanna suck my tongue down her throat.
- Ew, gross, she's your cousin.
- I know! But, hey, um remind me, why's it so frowned upon to hook up with your cousin? - Are you serious? - I don't I don't know.
Because your fathers are brothers.
Because when you say Grandma, you're talking about the same woman.
Hey, let's not bring Bubsie into this.
Unless you wanna bring Bubsie into this.
Sounds like all bets are off, baby.
Now, what about kissing cousins? That's a term I've heard.
Well, here's another term I've heard, and I say it without judgment, - but here it is, incest.
- [BANJO PLAYING.]
Oh.
The banjo thing's a little regionalist, but are those letters fucking each other? Oh, God, you're right, Nick, it's incest.
I can't go back to school and when people ask, "How was your spring break?", I say, "Oh, it was fine, I had incest.
" Please put the word away now.
That's the thing, Andrew.
Once that word is out there, you can't put it away.
I don't know, I think the word is cute.
Oh, now it's trying to breastfeed.
Ooh, it's got a strong latch, think it's all the extra teeth.
[RINGING.]
Hey, honey.
How's Florida? It's actually crazy here.
I watched a dog lick SpaghettiOs off a baby's head.
- It was pretty cra crazy - [LAUGHING.]
- Uh-huh.
- Mom, are you even listening? What? Oh, sorry, sweetie.
I have to pick a card.
- What? - Hey, Nick! What's Jay doing there? He's doing magic, and I'm his lovely assistant.
I hate this.
I I I really hate what I'm seeing.
Jay is staying with us while his parents are away.
Why can't you put him up in, like, a dog hotel? - What? [LAUGHS.]
- Dude, if I lived here, I would never leave.
The food is great.
Your family's full of love.
Miss Diane Mommy, please pick a card.
- Bye, sweetie.
We love you.
- Your bed is super comfortable.
What? No! Don't let him near my pillow.
- Ugh.
- A year goes by, no blood to let Well, it has been four months since I've had my period.
The change is coming, Barbara! The change? Hot flashes, insomnia, my mood swings [GASPS.]
Are you menopause? Menopause Banshee, 'tis my name Wreaking havoc is my game! [CACKLES.]
White fish on a Triscuit! I'm not ready for menopause.
[SNORING.]
You know, if you do take a bath with Cherry, you gotta do it in here.
Non-slide surface, a safety rail, you could really jackhammer your blood relative in here.
I'm not going to jackhammer Cherry.
Nick's right, this whole thing is too weird.
Oh, please, we're talkin' about kissing your cousin, not shtupping your sister.
- I don't have a sister.
- Exactly.
We've only got the cousin, let's work with what we've got.
Marty? Are you still awake? How can I sleep? It's 95 degrees in here.
Do you think I'm past my prime? Past your prime? What are you, stupid? You are as sexy as the day you hit my car.
Oh, you're just saying that.
Oh, yeah? Then tell me, why is my egg roll full of duck sauce? Oh, Marty! What about your father and the boys? Ah, they're sound asleep.
And I've got an extra order of moo shu pork! Oh, Marty, your dumplings are so big.
[MARTY.]
They're stuffed with ground chicken.
[GROANS.]
I am sorry, but I can't do it.
It just seems wrong.
Wrong? We're in Florida.
The state bird is a chicken finger.
It is a pretty crazy place.
Brother [CHUCKLES.]
Anything goes in Florida.
- [HARD ROCK MUSIC.]
- Hello, Lakeland! Y'all ready to rock in the Sunshine State? They got rednecks wrestlin' pythons They got drunk girls goin' wild Party with margaritavillers And serial killers While you watch a gator eat a child They proudly lead the nation In public masturbation They're jerkin' off all over the place Forget the Key lime pie Let's get a bath salt high And munch on a stranger's fa-a-ace Because anything goes in Florida Come on down and do your worst Snort a rail off a dolphin Naked and a-golfin' Chances are you won't be the first Doin' anything, anywhere Any time in FLA They got meth labs and Magic Kingdoms Titty bars and the KKK And when shit goes down You can stand your ground And blow your neighbor away Because anything goes in Florida Baby, let the good times roll If there's a law, you can duck it If you catch it, you can fuck it It's America's glory hole Talkin' anything, anywhere Any night and any day In FLA [HOWLS.]
Wow, did you write that song? Yeah.
I mean, Vince Neil helped.
- Legitimately good song.
- Thanks, man.
And it makes a good point.
You know what, Maury? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna french my grandma's granddaughter.
Whoop-whoop! [BIRDSONG.]
[NICK.]
I can't believe we're eating dinner at four o'clock.
Oh, Nick, the Seder meal won't be served for another three to four hours.
- What? - But don't worry.
In about an hour and a half, you'll get a slab of cold gefilte fish.
- Okay.
- Which tastes like the baby changing station at SeaWorld.
Oh, that sounds horrible.
It is.
It's all horrible.
- Ooh! There she is.
- [LAUGHING.]
You should pack her poon with your fat macaroon.
Happy Passover.
- [GASPS.]
- Your womb is dry, like matzo meal.
- But soon you'll - Oh, stop it, okay? I'm not ready to be old.
For your information, last night, I made love to my husband.
I had two helpings of moo shu pork! Two! Yes, I watched, raw dog and all.
No fear of pregnancy at the Banshee's Ball! You know, it was a relief not to worry about birth control.
This next chapter's yours to live And now you have no fucks to give! [CACKLES.]
Your son wants to tongue your niece! What? What? I didn't get that last part! Ma nishtana - halilah hazeh - Mm.
- mikol haleilot - [CHUCKLES.]
I don't think this is what your ancestors intended, Andrew.
Hey, cuz, you wanna come wander the desert with me? Oh, my God, it's happening.
This is happening.
We're gonna cross a line We're gonna cross a line Nick, we gotta get outta here.
Where's that little swamp rat? - She scares me.
- Exactly.
It's like Kanye tweeted, "Do one thing every day that scares your housekeeper.
" So, as is tradition, I have hidden a piece of matzo.
Whoever finds the afikomen this year gets my condo when I die.
- What? - I pay for that condo! Well, I live there five nights a week! - [ARGUING.]
- Marty, he's just trying to pit you and Skip against each other.
- It's mine! - Not if I find it first! - The hell you will! - Cold.
Colder.
Me now with the hot and the cold.
Your nuts just froze off.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, I'll give you schmucks a hint.
It ain't in this room.
That means it's in another room.
All right, move! Move! - Hello, Vicki.
- You wanna go suck gas out of a Jeep? - Um - Wanna go to Piggly Wiggly - and slice up a bunch of milk gallons? - Maybe.
Mm, I know what you want, fuck face.
Y'all wanna sink a boat.
You know what? Yeah.
Let's go sink a fuckin' boat.
Ooh, yeah! Anything goes in Florida - Jay? - Where are you, sweetie? Your family said they'd be back around six.
[THUMPING.]
- Jay, is everything okay? - Yeah, totally.
I'm just, uh packin' up my stuff, you know? Maybe he doesn't have to go home right now.
Elliot, he has a family.
- Does he? - [SIGHS.]
Jay, honey, would you like to stay here for a few more days? Is this a trick to get me out from under the bed? No, we'll talk to your parents and work it out.
Really? So I can just live here until college? Yeah, no, that's not what's happening.
Yeah, who am I kidding? I'm not going to college.
Oh, I'm gonna miss him when he doesn't go to college.
Oh, here? In Zaide's room? Sure, I mean, he doesn't use the bed.
[GASPS.]
His newspapers! Why don't you come join me? Under the covers? You know, this is the bed where Bubsie died.
Her wig is still under the pillow.
Oh, I told you Bubsie would be a part of this.
- Put it on.
- Okay, this is crazy.
This is crazy.
She might be fucking with you, but I think we love it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do the voice.
These Palestinians, they deserve bubkis.
- Oh, God, come here! - [YELPS.]
I believe there is a two-state solution, but this, this is beautiful.
So, uh So what's the plan here? Kick a hole in it? Drop a big rock on it? Well, I got this pipe bomb I been savin' for Easter.
- Holy - Shit! - [MOANING.]
- Oh, it's like grabbing my own ass.
Yeah, I got a nice big solid seat, don't I? - Andrew! - [BOTH GASP.]
What the fuck is goin' on in here? And why are you wearing Bubsie's wig? - My newspapers! - Andrew, were you kissing your cousin? Don't look at me! Everyone leave! Get amnesia! [LAUGHS.]
Look at how shocked you all are.
Your pervert son groped my daughter! Hey, only I get to call my son a pervert.
Oh, yeah? Take that.
Whoever wins gets the ultimate prize.
My newspapers! Come on, no shoes.
- Huh? - Ooh, dang! That's how you sink a boat! Yes, it is.
Huh? - No fair strangling.
- No, no, no! [YELLS.]
Stop it! [SCREECHES.]
I'm hot, and I'm sweaty, and life is too short for this shit! Sinkhole comin'.
You better run, Romeo.
Marty, let go of your brother! Andrew, let go of your cousin! We are gettin' the hell outta this GD shithole with these terrible people! Are you gonna let your wife talk to me that way? - My wife can do whatever she wants.
- What? 'Cause she's one hot number six combo.
What the hell is that? General Tsao's chicken, with a spring roll, and your choice of soft drink.
Oh, Marty, that's your favorite.
- No, you are.
- Aww! Andrew, let your cousin go! No, Cherry! No, I didn't get to finish.
Oh, no, it got me! We sank a boooooat! Hey, guys, much like your ancestors, I think we should get the hell out, not wait for the bread to rise.
He listened to my story.
Vamoose your caboose! All of you! - [RUMBLING.]
- Gloria Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Cherry! - Andrew, get in the car.
- But I love her.
- Gross, you're my cousin.
- I know, I'm kidding, as if.
- [BOTH GRUNT.]
- Floor it, Mr.
Glouberman! - [SCREAMS.]
- Tidal wave! This day, we need to part the sea Banshee, lend your power to me! [SCREECHING.]
[CACKLING.]
Gloria Gloria [CHUCKLING.]
First of all, I forgot my watch.
Second of all, I love ya, Barbara.
[SIGHS.]
Let's go home, Marty.
I told you someone was gonna die.
I didn't know everyone was gonna die.
- Holy shit.
- Did that just really happen? No, cookie puss.
It's like the Bible, it's a metaphor.
A metaphor for what? For Florida, baby.
Hit it, Maury! - Because anything goes in Florida - [HORN HONKING.]
Come on down and do your worst Snort a rail off a dolphin Naked and a-golfin' Chances are you won't be the first Doin' anything, anywhere Any time in FLA They got meth labs and Magic Kingdoms Titty bars and the KKK And when shit goes down You can stand your ground And blow your neighbor away Because anything goes in Florida Baby, let the good times roll If there's a law, you can duck it If you catch it, you can fuck it It's America's glory hole Haha.
Good At Bizness.
[KAZOO PLAYS.]
- Chirp.
- Fathouse.
Let's go! Let's go! We're already late! It's 7:01.
Yeah, and he said 7:00.
Let's go.
It's spring break, it's supposed to be relaxing.
Marty Glouberman doesn't relax.
The man eats on the toilet to save time.
[GROANS.]
Jesus, Connie, what did you pack in here? - I didn't know what to bring.
- It's Florida, baby.
The only time you don't wear a bathing suit is to a funeral.
And even then, it depends on who died.
No one is dying, Maury.
Honestly, I've never been to Florida and not watched someone die.
Luckily, I've brought a grieving Speedo.
Mmm.
My condolences.
[PURRS.]
Thanks again for taking him, Barbara.
You know, Nick is going through a real, um asshole phase.
Oh, then he'll fit right in with the Glouber-men.
I'm getting flop sweats just thinking about all that testosterone and shoulder hair.
Do you want a couple Xanax? I kissed a few into Elliot's mouth this morning for his separation anxiety.
[SOBBING.]
I'm just gonna miss him so much.
[HORN HONKS.]
[NICK.]
You can stop honking now, Dad.
- I'll stop when we're in Florida! - [HONKING.]
[MARTY.]
Argh! Come on, come on! We already know who's in the show! What is that, a sperm? Disgusting! Skip the intro already, would ya? We don't have time! Mantzoukas? Too many letters.
Ugh, who is watchin' this garbage? The neo-Nazi trolls on YouTube are right, this show is disgusting! You know who had a good intro song? Two and a Half Men.
They got right to the point.
Men! Come on, already! Let's literally get this show on the road.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, that's funny.
They should put that in the show.
[HORN BLARING.]
What is this Seder thing again? Nicola, you don't know? I'm kidding.
It's just this long, boring dinner with my angry grandpa and my lame cousin, Cheryl.
Ugh! Cheryl's such a baby.
She makes us play My Little Pony.
We wanna play big-boy stuff like baseball cards and Mad Libs! Andrew, the Seder is when we tell the story of Passover, the one time our people did the screwing! Oh, here we go.
We were Pharaoh's slaves, forced to do all sorts of labor, unlike Andrew, who could barely use a Swiffer WetJet! It is not as intuitive as it looks.
One day, God turned Himself into a burning bush.
Oh, I had that before.
And he tells Moses, "Get outta Egypt already!" But the Pharaoh, he won't let him go.
- So, God hits 'em with ten plagues.
- [THUNDERCLAP.]
Locusts, hail, and finally, the big one My firstborn penis.
Why, God? Why? 'Cause you didn't paint the lamb's blood above the door like I told you.
I don't like chores.
Pharaoh said, "Scram," so we had to get out fast.
Oh, but I'm waiting for the bread to rise.
It's 7:01! Just make it matzo! Then this Pharaoh Schlemiel, he changes his mind, but God had one more trick up his sleeve.
He parts the Red Sea.
Great, three-drachma leather sandals ruined.
And then what, they just went to Israel? No, they spent 40 years in the desert 'cause they didn't know how to make good time.
- [HONKS HORN.]
- Marty, it's sweltering.
Please turn on the AC.
What, are you crazy? I'm gettin' great gas mileage.
Andrew, blow on your mother.
He doesn't know how to blow cool air.
He snorts! It's true, Nick, I only know how to exhale through my nose.
- No, I did it again.
- [GROANS.]
- [CACKLING.]
- What the The change is coming, Barbara.
[CACKLES.]
How does she know my name? Mr.
Glouberman, I'm starving.
- Where do you see us stopping for lunch? - [LAUGHS.]
We've got wet salami sandwiches in tinfoil, a thermos of clam chowder, and some Chex Mix in an old Band-Aid box.
- Help yourself.
- Can we at least stop - to go to the bathroom? - Hah! - Ha-ha! - We stop when I need gas.
Until then, you're more than welcome to finish the chowder and pee in the thermos.
And it's hard to aim into the thermos! - What? It's huge, the thermos.
- Yeah, just try.
- [HISSING.]
- [COUGHING.]
[PANTING.]
Oh, no! There's a fire! Val! Kurt! Mom, Dad! Where are you guys? We gotta get outta here! Whoa, did someone gift-wrap our house? [GASPS.]
I'm a present for a giant.
[COUGHING.]
Holy shit! There was a kid in there! What? The whole family should be on spring break.
They Home Alone'd me? Hah! Classic Bilzerian move.
[LAUGHS.]
Did they, uh Did they say when they'd be back? You're in luck, Mr.
Too Good to Piss in a Thermos.
- I need gas.
- Oh, thank God! I got a salami and clam chowder poop that's backed up to my throat.
God, look at the prices.
Now, you listen to me, Nick.
We have exactly the amount of time it takes my dad to fill his gas tank, or he will leave without us.
- No child left behind.
- No child left behind.
Let's do this! Okay.
Oh, Jesus Christ, there's so much blood.
Oh, just shit on the blood.
I'll piss into the sink.
I'm lookin' around, I'm seein' hair dye and a razor.
I think someone got shot - and changed their identity in here.
- Let's go! There's a half-eaten ice-cream sandwich.
- Andrew! - God.
He let his guard down for one second - and they got him, Nick.
- What? - Oh, all of a sudden, I can't go.
- Andrew! Psst.
The change is coming.
[CACKLES.]
What change? - [CACKLES.]
- What are you talking about? You finish up in here, I'm gonna go get a snack.
Sh! Don't talk, it's finally coming out.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [STEVE.]
That's gonna cost you.
- What? - A high five, my dude.
- Coach Steve? - I'm actually North Carolina Gas Station Attendant Coach Steve now.
We don't have time for a Coach Steve bit! - We're movin' out! - I gotta go.
I flushed, and the blood sprayed my tushy! It's okay, Andrew.
We'll give you a Handi Wipe in the car.
- Come on, jump! - Okay.
- [GROANS.]
- [GASPS.]
Andrew! Careful with my precious door.
- [MOANS.]
- [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[COUGHING.]
Don't worry, I'm okay because and I know you're not supposed to say this anymore but I'm fire retardant, so Hey, Mrs.
Diane Mommy and Soft-Daddy Dr.
B.
[CHUCKLES.]
Please, Jay, call me by that name.
Is, uh is Nick home? Nick actually went to Florida with Andrew and his family.
Oh, right, yeah, that's cool.
Outta curiosity, before I leave, do you have any, like, old pizza crusts or white wine backwash? If you're hungry, we're about to sit down for dinner.
Would you like to join us? Wait, really? Uh Like, without Nick? - Yes.
- Any friend of my son is a son of mine.
Yeah, okay.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
I was just gonna dress up like a duck and try and score some bread at the park, but this is so much better! - [CHUCKLING.]
- [MAURY.]
Ooh.
Someone is for sure gonna die.
Nick, welcome to Lakeland, Florida, the upper Bronx of the Greater Tampa Bay Area.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
- Help me, boy, I died yesterday.
- [SCREAMS.]
Isn't it weird how strong his grip is? Andrew, this place is not, uh ideal.
Oh, did I not mention that it sucks? Let's get outta here.
I wanna go to South Beach to see a wet dick contest! Yeah, let's blow a line of Lipitor and use my Radisson points.
You made shit time.
We got a late start, Dad.
Yeah, well, if you were late in Korea, they made you eat your own socks.
You weren't in Korea, Lewis.
Yeah, well, I read about it on the History channel.
Hi, Zaide.
How's your hip? Ugh You wanna know? I I care, a little.
I squeak, all right? Every time I get Cream of Wheat from the cabinet.
Hello, I'm Nick Birch, I'm Andrew's friend.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that we're very exhausted and deeply disappointed - with where we find ourselves.
- Yeah, me too.
So maybe you could just show us to our rooms? Your rooms? Right this way, Your Highness.
- I call it the floor.
- For real? What? That's where I do my physical therapy every morning.
- Nude.
I hope you like white pubes.
- [GROANS.]
[GRUNTING AND SNORTING.]
Sweetie, does your family know where you are? The question is, do I know where they are? [LAUGHS.]
- I do not.
- Oh, dear.
Well, this has been the best night of my life.
So, I'm just gonna go find a street mattress to sleep on.
Ooh, may I borrow a steak knife, just in case there are mustache men? Absolutely not.
Yeah, you're right, I can just bite 'em with my mouth knives.
No, you'll sleep here, in Nick's room.
Wait, am I the new Nick? - No, Jay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I get it.
We like you just the way you are.
Oh, my Go [SNORING.]
Why can't we sleep in your grandfather's room? There's a whole empty bed in there.
Nick, are you kidding? That bed is for old newspapers.
Shut up, you two.
Go to sleep! We have a long and terrible day tomorrow.
It's so hot in here, Marty.
I hate to say it, but I think we need to turn on the air conditioner.
Sh! He'll hear you.
[GRUMBLES.]
I'm not a millionaire.
- [SNORING.]
- Fine.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
Don't let the mosquitoes in.
Oh, I feel like my skin is boiling.
[OLD WOMAN.]
Change, change, change [GASPS.]
It's you! [HISSING AND CACKLING.]
A year goes by, no blood to let - No men need fear to heed my threat! - Oh, God! Your mood, she swings, the tears do fall And soon you'll dance at the Banshee's Ball! - [CACKLING.]
- Aah! The Banshee's Ball? I don't wanna go! [MARTY.]
Me neither! Where are we not going? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Oh, I can't believe it's hailing.
Yep, just when you think Florida can't get any worse, it rips out its belly button ring and punches you in the face with it.
Andrew, are you enjoying this? I am.
I like it when things are as bad for you as they are for me.
Okay, yeah, that's fair.
I see that.
Imagine living like this.
You got a booger hanging out your nose.
Yeah, I know, and if I pull that rip cord, there's a bucket of blood behind it.
[SNIFFS.]
Ahem.
Now, Marty, promise me you and Skip aren't gonna fight over the afikomen at the Seder this year.
I won't start if he doesn't.
Hey, big brother.
- How you doin', Skip? - Barbara, you look stunning.
You know, if you ever wanna leave the zero and, uh, you know, have, um - sex with your brother-in-law - Ugh.
- you know where to find me.
- On Dad's couch? What can I say? The couch and I have a lot in common.
We both pull out.
Oh, God.
My Little Pony, is that you? Cousin Cheryl? It's Cherry now.
I changed it.
- Cherry Maraschino.
- Oh, wow.
I was told I needed, like, a catchy stage name if I wanted to vape competitively.
Certainly better than Cheryl Glouberman.
- Hah, yeah, Glouberman sucks.
- You look good, cuz.
Wow-wow-wee-wow! My cousin! Hi, Cherry, I'm Nick.
I'm kind of the Bradley Cooper to Andrew's Ed Helms.
- Thank you.
- Oh, cool, a Hangover reference.
- Yeah.
- That's not dated.
- Yeah, I I guess - Guys, this is my friend, Vicki.
'Sup.
Y'all fools wanna sink a boat? - Andrew, Cherry's, like, hot.
- Ew, that's my cousin.
Don't talk about how her butt fills her jean shorts like two plastic bags filled with so much syrup.
- What? - Just don't talk about it.
She's my cousin! Brainstorm! Let's go to LongHorn's for some steaks! Restaurant steaks for lunch? Who are you, Vince McMahon? Uh-oh.
Sounds like he wants to wrestle, Skip.
Oh, let's do it.
Dad's room, no shoes.
- Don't touch my newspapers.
- No one is wrestling! The hell we're not.
Barbara, help me move the couch! [CHERRY.]
Yo, cuz, check this out.
Oh! Look at us.
Can you believe we were ever that young? - Or that naked.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Sure.
Except for my bath glasses.
How funny would it be if we took another bath together? - What's that now? - Uh, you wanna take a bath with me? Oh, I'm just fucking with you.
You're so gullible.
It's kinda cute, you gross perv.
Wait, wait, wait.
What the fuck is she doing? - Y'all wanna go to an abandoned marina? - Abandoned marina, Andrew? - I don't know about this, Nick.
- Could be fun.
Yes, let's follow this little psycho to a boat graveyard.
You gotta slither under a fence.
- It'll scratch your back up good.
- What? Y'all ever seen a fish explode it's so dead? You didn't realize you forgot him? Uh-huh.
Oh, and there's a $10 change fee if you shorten your trip.
I see.
What's this mouth sauce called again? Oh, we call that toothpaste.
So, I put this on the bathroom fork? - [CRUNCHES.]
Mmm.
- No, no, no, you don't eat it! Ah, shit! Oh, sorry, language.
Fuck! Good news, Jay.
You can stay with us until your family gets back.
And also, your brothers really want you to know, you weren't Home Alone'd, - you were Homo Alone'd.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, man! And then one of them farted into the receiver.
Did it squeak, or was it wet? It sounded wet.
Classic Kurt.
Shit on another hotel phone.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ANDREW.]
Wow! Incredible.
Was that last one a guy filling out a bank loan? Close.
It was a declaration of bankruptcy.
You can't do nothing to him now.
- Andrew, come sit with me.
- Um Okay.
I wanna see those pasty-white thighs spread across the dock.
- Okay.
- Your knees look like dry biscuits.
- Thank you? - I dunno, man, I can't get a read on this chick.
My sexual detector doesn't have a horny-cousin setting.
What's cool about a piss pop is that they're frozen and they're your piss.
And if someone eat one, then they have your piss in their stomach.
Uh-huh, and a piss pop, that's a Florida delicacy? Hey, sweet lips, you think anyone would ever look for you? If What Where If How many people do you think are at the bottom of that canal right now? I don't know, twe twelve? - For now.
- Ah, is she Threatenin' to kill ya? I don't know.
These Florida girls are hard to read.
So, what's going on at your school? Are you guys doing hand jobs and stuff? Either she wants you, or she swallowed a roll of quarters.
No, she doesn't, she's my cousin.
Maybe she's just fucking with me.
Maybe that's her thing.
Maybe it gets her off, to fuck with her own cousin.
Well, everyone's doing 'em here.
[GASPS.]
Could you imagine if I gave you a hand job? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Our dads would be so pissed.
- Would they be there? - Do you want them to be? [WHIRRING.]
Great! She broke the thingy.
You wanna give me a hand job? Ew, no! [LAUGHS.]
- You're my cousin! - You're my cousin, I know! What People are nuts! I'm just talking about sucking your tongue down my throat.
- Holy shit! - Dude, we gotta get outta here.
Vicki just showed me her stepdaddy's corpse.
One of my stepdaddies'.
Hey, if we ain't gonna sink a boat, let's go spill SpaghettiOs on a baby's head and wait for a dog to come lick it up.
Let's go, girls.
I got a business meeting.
Selling old Four Lokos in that community college parking lot is not a business! - What do you know? - Boys, boys, please.
You're both disappointments.
- See you at the Seder, cuz.
- Oh, boy.
Yeah, and I'll see you too, Nick.
You better watch your ass, you little Beverly Hills Chihuahua bitch.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
Andrew, I think Vicki might wanna kill me.
That's cool.
I think Cherry might wanna suck my tongue down her throat.
- Ew, gross, she's your cousin.
- I know! But, hey, um remind me, why's it so frowned upon to hook up with your cousin? - Are you serious? - I don't I don't know.
Because your fathers are brothers.
Because when you say Grandma, you're talking about the same woman.
Hey, let's not bring Bubsie into this.
Unless you wanna bring Bubsie into this.
Sounds like all bets are off, baby.
Now, what about kissing cousins? That's a term I've heard.
Well, here's another term I've heard, and I say it without judgment, - but here it is, incest.
- [BANJO PLAYING.]
Oh.
The banjo thing's a little regionalist, but are those letters fucking each other? Oh, God, you're right, Nick, it's incest.
I can't go back to school and when people ask, "How was your spring break?", I say, "Oh, it was fine, I had incest.
" Please put the word away now.
That's the thing, Andrew.
Once that word is out there, you can't put it away.
I don't know, I think the word is cute.
Oh, now it's trying to breastfeed.
Ooh, it's got a strong latch, think it's all the extra teeth.
[RINGING.]
Hey, honey.
How's Florida? It's actually crazy here.
I watched a dog lick SpaghettiOs off a baby's head.
- It was pretty cra crazy - [LAUGHING.]
- Uh-huh.
- Mom, are you even listening? What? Oh, sorry, sweetie.
I have to pick a card.
- What? - Hey, Nick! What's Jay doing there? He's doing magic, and I'm his lovely assistant.
I hate this.
I I I really hate what I'm seeing.
Jay is staying with us while his parents are away.
Why can't you put him up in, like, a dog hotel? - What? [LAUGHS.]
- Dude, if I lived here, I would never leave.
The food is great.
Your family's full of love.
Miss Diane Mommy, please pick a card.
- Bye, sweetie.
We love you.
- Your bed is super comfortable.
What? No! Don't let him near my pillow.
- Ugh.
- A year goes by, no blood to let Well, it has been four months since I've had my period.
The change is coming, Barbara! The change? Hot flashes, insomnia, my mood swings [GASPS.]
Are you menopause? Menopause Banshee, 'tis my name Wreaking havoc is my game! [CACKLES.]
White fish on a Triscuit! I'm not ready for menopause.
[SNORING.]
You know, if you do take a bath with Cherry, you gotta do it in here.
Non-slide surface, a safety rail, you could really jackhammer your blood relative in here.
I'm not going to jackhammer Cherry.
Nick's right, this whole thing is too weird.
Oh, please, we're talkin' about kissing your cousin, not shtupping your sister.
- I don't have a sister.
- Exactly.
We've only got the cousin, let's work with what we've got.
Marty? Are you still awake? How can I sleep? It's 95 degrees in here.
Do you think I'm past my prime? Past your prime? What are you, stupid? You are as sexy as the day you hit my car.
Oh, you're just saying that.
Oh, yeah? Then tell me, why is my egg roll full of duck sauce? Oh, Marty! What about your father and the boys? Ah, they're sound asleep.
And I've got an extra order of moo shu pork! Oh, Marty, your dumplings are so big.
[MARTY.]
They're stuffed with ground chicken.
[GROANS.]
I am sorry, but I can't do it.
It just seems wrong.
Wrong? We're in Florida.
The state bird is a chicken finger.
It is a pretty crazy place.
Brother [CHUCKLES.]
Anything goes in Florida.
- [HARD ROCK MUSIC.]
- Hello, Lakeland! Y'all ready to rock in the Sunshine State? They got rednecks wrestlin' pythons They got drunk girls goin' wild Party with margaritavillers And serial killers While you watch a gator eat a child They proudly lead the nation In public masturbation They're jerkin' off all over the place Forget the Key lime pie Let's get a bath salt high And munch on a stranger's fa-a-ace Because anything goes in Florida Come on down and do your worst Snort a rail off a dolphin Naked and a-golfin' Chances are you won't be the first Doin' anything, anywhere Any time in FLA They got meth labs and Magic Kingdoms Titty bars and the KKK And when shit goes down You can stand your ground And blow your neighbor away Because anything goes in Florida Baby, let the good times roll If there's a law, you can duck it If you catch it, you can fuck it It's America's glory hole Talkin' anything, anywhere Any night and any day In FLA [HOWLS.]
Wow, did you write that song? Yeah.
I mean, Vince Neil helped.
- Legitimately good song.
- Thanks, man.
And it makes a good point.
You know what, Maury? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna french my grandma's granddaughter.
Whoop-whoop! [BIRDSONG.]
[NICK.]
I can't believe we're eating dinner at four o'clock.
Oh, Nick, the Seder meal won't be served for another three to four hours.
- What? - But don't worry.
In about an hour and a half, you'll get a slab of cold gefilte fish.
- Okay.
- Which tastes like the baby changing station at SeaWorld.
Oh, that sounds horrible.
It is.
It's all horrible.
- Ooh! There she is.
- [LAUGHING.]
You should pack her poon with your fat macaroon.
Happy Passover.
- [GASPS.]
- Your womb is dry, like matzo meal.
- But soon you'll - Oh, stop it, okay? I'm not ready to be old.
For your information, last night, I made love to my husband.
I had two helpings of moo shu pork! Two! Yes, I watched, raw dog and all.
No fear of pregnancy at the Banshee's Ball! You know, it was a relief not to worry about birth control.
This next chapter's yours to live And now you have no fucks to give! [CACKLES.]
Your son wants to tongue your niece! What? What? I didn't get that last part! Ma nishtana - halilah hazeh - Mm.
- mikol haleilot - [CHUCKLES.]
I don't think this is what your ancestors intended, Andrew.
Hey, cuz, you wanna come wander the desert with me? Oh, my God, it's happening.
This is happening.
We're gonna cross a line We're gonna cross a line Nick, we gotta get outta here.
Where's that little swamp rat? - She scares me.
- Exactly.
It's like Kanye tweeted, "Do one thing every day that scares your housekeeper.
" So, as is tradition, I have hidden a piece of matzo.
Whoever finds the afikomen this year gets my condo when I die.
- What? - I pay for that condo! Well, I live there five nights a week! - [ARGUING.]
- Marty, he's just trying to pit you and Skip against each other.
- It's mine! - Not if I find it first! - The hell you will! - Cold.
Colder.
Me now with the hot and the cold.
Your nuts just froze off.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, I'll give you schmucks a hint.
It ain't in this room.
That means it's in another room.
All right, move! Move! - Hello, Vicki.
- You wanna go suck gas out of a Jeep? - Um - Wanna go to Piggly Wiggly - and slice up a bunch of milk gallons? - Maybe.
Mm, I know what you want, fuck face.
Y'all wanna sink a boat.
You know what? Yeah.
Let's go sink a fuckin' boat.
Ooh, yeah! Anything goes in Florida - Jay? - Where are you, sweetie? Your family said they'd be back around six.
[THUMPING.]
- Jay, is everything okay? - Yeah, totally.
I'm just, uh packin' up my stuff, you know? Maybe he doesn't have to go home right now.
Elliot, he has a family.
- Does he? - [SIGHS.]
Jay, honey, would you like to stay here for a few more days? Is this a trick to get me out from under the bed? No, we'll talk to your parents and work it out.
Really? So I can just live here until college? Yeah, no, that's not what's happening.
Yeah, who am I kidding? I'm not going to college.
Oh, I'm gonna miss him when he doesn't go to college.
Oh, here? In Zaide's room? Sure, I mean, he doesn't use the bed.
[GASPS.]
His newspapers! Why don't you come join me? Under the covers? You know, this is the bed where Bubsie died.
Her wig is still under the pillow.
Oh, I told you Bubsie would be a part of this.
- Put it on.
- Okay, this is crazy.
This is crazy.
She might be fucking with you, but I think we love it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do the voice.
These Palestinians, they deserve bubkis.
- Oh, God, come here! - [YELPS.]
I believe there is a two-state solution, but this, this is beautiful.
So, uh So what's the plan here? Kick a hole in it? Drop a big rock on it? Well, I got this pipe bomb I been savin' for Easter.
- Holy - Shit! - [MOANING.]
- Oh, it's like grabbing my own ass.
Yeah, I got a nice big solid seat, don't I? - Andrew! - [BOTH GASP.]
What the fuck is goin' on in here? And why are you wearing Bubsie's wig? - My newspapers! - Andrew, were you kissing your cousin? Don't look at me! Everyone leave! Get amnesia! [LAUGHS.]
Look at how shocked you all are.
Your pervert son groped my daughter! Hey, only I get to call my son a pervert.
Oh, yeah? Take that.
Whoever wins gets the ultimate prize.
My newspapers! Come on, no shoes.
- Huh? - Ooh, dang! That's how you sink a boat! Yes, it is.
Huh? - No fair strangling.
- No, no, no! [YELLS.]
Stop it! [SCREECHES.]
I'm hot, and I'm sweaty, and life is too short for this shit! Sinkhole comin'.
You better run, Romeo.
Marty, let go of your brother! Andrew, let go of your cousin! We are gettin' the hell outta this GD shithole with these terrible people! Are you gonna let your wife talk to me that way? - My wife can do whatever she wants.
- What? 'Cause she's one hot number six combo.
What the hell is that? General Tsao's chicken, with a spring roll, and your choice of soft drink.
Oh, Marty, that's your favorite.
- No, you are.
- Aww! Andrew, let your cousin go! No, Cherry! No, I didn't get to finish.
Oh, no, it got me! We sank a boooooat! Hey, guys, much like your ancestors, I think we should get the hell out, not wait for the bread to rise.
He listened to my story.
Vamoose your caboose! All of you! - [RUMBLING.]
- Gloria Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Cherry! - Andrew, get in the car.
- But I love her.
- Gross, you're my cousin.
- I know, I'm kidding, as if.
- [BOTH GRUNT.]
- Floor it, Mr.
Glouberman! - [SCREAMS.]
- Tidal wave! This day, we need to part the sea Banshee, lend your power to me! [SCREECHING.]
[CACKLING.]
Gloria Gloria [CHUCKLING.]
First of all, I forgot my watch.
Second of all, I love ya, Barbara.
[SIGHS.]
Let's go home, Marty.
I told you someone was gonna die.
I didn't know everyone was gonna die.
- Holy shit.
- Did that just really happen? No, cookie puss.
It's like the Bible, it's a metaphor.
A metaphor for what? For Florida, baby.
Hit it, Maury! - Because anything goes in Florida - [HORN HONKING.]
Come on down and do your worst Snort a rail off a dolphin Naked and a-golfin' Chances are you won't be the first Doin' anything, anywhere Any time in FLA They got meth labs and Magic Kingdoms Titty bars and the KKK And when shit goes down You can stand your ground And blow your neighbor away Because anything goes in Florida Baby, let the good times roll If there's a law, you can duck it If you catch it, you can fuck it It's America's glory hole Haha.
Good At Bizness.
[KAZOO PLAYS.]
- Chirp.
- Fathouse.