Big Mouth (2017) s04e07 Episode Script
Four Stories About Hand Stuff
1
Boy, oh, boy. That last episode,
the one that took place in the future,
was banar-nar.
Yeah, we weren't even in it!
I wonder what they're gonna do
with this episode.
Says here, it's called
"Four Stories About Hand Stuff."
Hand stuff?
Like fingering and hand jobs.
Ooh, we better be in this one, mama.
Yeah! If we're not, then I'm gonna
have a word with Mark Levin.
Who? Who's Mark Levin?
You know!
He's one of those four "Created
By" names at the end of the theme song.
Four's a lot, huh?
I heard they're all married to each other.
Fucking Hollywood.
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
Oh, look at that! Mark Levin.
One of the three husbands. Okay.
Excuse me. Are you Devin LeSeven?
Of course I am, Caleb.
You've been served.
What is this?
Devon is divorcing you
because you have differences
that are not able to be reconciled.
- Irreconcilable!
- Hey, Caleb. How'd she take it?
With her right hand.
Oh, my
Guys! I have tragic
and very gratifying information
to tell you.
Devon is divorcing Devin.
It's, like, really, really sad!
Huh. I guess you never really know
what's going on
in someone else's marriage.
It is so sobering to watch a friend get,
like, legally dumped.
What happened?
Was it because Devin never listened
to anything Devon ever said
and tried to make him
into a completely different person?
Word on the supposed street
is Devon broke up with her
because she wouldn't give him a hand job.
It's very upsetting.
Are you serious?
Does this mean that all the guys
are gonna expect hand jobs now?
We don't have to do anything
that we're not comfortable doing.
Wrong! I once discussed this very matter
with my mom's boyfriend in the kitchen
at 11 p.m. while he was refilling
a Powerade bottle with tap water.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, no.
- Lola!
- And excuse me!
He assured me that if you wanna
keep your man, you gotta put out!
- Dude, you've got this all wrong.
- Yeah, dude.
Well, this is rich.
What do you two lesbos know
about pleasing a man?
I'm just saying it's lame to only focus
on the boys, okay? What about us?
Get to the point, Ali. I'm a busy lady.
She means it can feel
really fucking good to get fingered.
Hell, yeah!
So, Lola, maybe it's not your job
to please your man,
maybe it's his job to please you.
Oh f
Let me know when you're done
with "Arts and Leisure."
I'm done, babe. It was just a review
of Pippin, and they did not like it.
Jay, honey, have you been following
this Devins story?
Oh, yeah. Wild stuff.
It really is, right?
But it did get me thinking
Should we do a hand job?
Hmm.
Color me intrigued, but in actuality,
I had something different in mind.
Two dinners
at two different Panda Expresses?
No! Jay, I want you to hand-job me
with your finger.
Oh, okay, you want me to finger you.
Totally! I can get on board for that.
Ooh, wait a minute, though.
I gotta go get my nails trimmed.
It's a three-man operation.
- Yeah.
- You're hurting me! Oh, my God!
Wow.
I should have asked earlier,
but why are we cutting your nails?
Uh, no big deal.
My lady and I have a date for some
fingering.
Whoa! Aren't you, like, scared to,
you know
No! I'm the Ultimate Fuck Machine, guys!
Sure, Jay, with pillows.
But this is a real girl
with a real vagina.
Yeah, I know!
It's like a dick, but inside out.
I think it's more complicated than that.
- Doubt it.
- Listen to him.
- I'm sorry, what do you mean?
- It it's underneath.
- No, it points straight out.
- No.
If it points down,
everything's gonna come flopping out!
Oh, God, Jay, you're in over your head.
What do you two lesbos know
about pleasing a girl, anyway?
I'd say lesbians would probably know
exactly how to please a girl.
You know what? Fuck this!
I'll talk to the experts.
Hey, Val, Kurt. Are you guys busy?
Yeah, we're pulling a turtle out
of its shell.
Yeah, well, that seems really cool.
I just was, you know, wondering
I'm supposed to finger my girlfriend
- Gay.
- So gay.
But if I was to do it,
like, do you have any advice?
You've come to the right place.
Together, we claimed to have fingered
over 3,000 women.
So, first off, you want to get
as many fingers in there as possible.
- Obviously.
- And you gotta get elbow-deep,
like it's a vending machine
and your Cheetos didn't fall down,
- so you really gotta reach up.
- And they like that?
Also, you need a signature move.
- I, for example, shove a booger up there.
- Booger
That way, if it's still there
the next time you fingerblast her,
you know she's not cheating on you.
Well, that makes sense. Thanks, guys.
Do you know this is
the longest conversation we've ever had?
Fuck you!
Worth it.
Physical touch means you love me.
All right, Jay, the time has come
- Oh, my God.
- Are you ready?
I am so ready!
- Babe, I'm gonna rock that twat.
- You are.
You're gonna be louder
than the iHeartRadio music festival.
Oh, my God! You are so wet.
That's my belly button.
It's full of lotion.
Oh, oh! Sorry. Sorry.
- That's okay. It's there for a reason.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Yeah.
- Okay. Now this
this has gotta be the vagina.
If it's not, I'm gonna probably go crazy.
Well, Jay, then worry you no more,
because you have officially entered
my kingdom.
Oh, fuck. Yes, my queen.
- Let's get up in there.
- Okay.
- All right, more fingers.
- It's a little crowded in there.
- Oh, babe.
- Elbow-deep.
You're kinda, like, jackhammering
a little too much.
- Okay.
- Maybe take the gas off the pedal
Gotta get those chips out
of the vending machine.
- No! It's like
- The thing ate my quarter!
This isn't feeling good. Stop it! Stop!
What happened? Did you cum?
- No.
- Are you sure?
Jay, what you're doing, like,
doesn't feel very good!
Are you saying I'm bad at fingering?
No, you're saying it, but I'm, like,
100% agreeing with you.
- Maybe you're bad at getting fingered!
- What?
I talked to a lot of guys about this.
But you never talked to any girls,
and most specifically me,
whose wagina you were just ruining,
and not in the way that I wanted!
Why would I talk to you
about your own body?
Do you hear how crazy that sounds?
It's better than what you just did
to my previously eager hole.
But if I ask you what to do,
then you'll know
I have no idea what I'm doing!
But, Jay, that's okay.
Why don't you just, like, let me guide you
and show you what I like?
Fuck. Okay.
Teach me the ways of your kingdom.
With pleasure, Jay-zilla.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, I'm just gonna shove my way through!
- No, like, gently.
- Oh, okay.
Now maybe, like, try rubbing the outside?
- Yeah.
- Like that?
Uh-huh. But, like, a tiny bit firmer.
- Like that?
- Just like that, yes.
I want to go in!
- Calm down!
- Okay.
Go in slowly, okay?
Is this what you like?
- Yeah!
- Do I go in all the way in now?
No, no. Now, go out.
- Okay.
- Now go back in.
- Really?
- Now go out.
- Okay.
- A little slower.
Okay, okay.
Actually, the most important part
is up top.
- Is that
- Yes, Jay!
- Okay.
- That is clitorally my clitoris.
Whoa! And who are the archers?
Oh, those are my pubes,
the Knights of St. Joseph.
They're sworn to protect me.
You're doing splendidly, Jay-zilla!
- Thanks, guys!
- Back to the bell!
Oh! Okay! Okay!
Should I squeeze it as hard as I can?
- Don't squeeze it. Pet the bell.
- Okay.
- Pet the bell back and forth.
- Okay!
- Yes! Keep doing that!
- Okay.
Can you do a small circle? Faster! Faster!
- Huzzah!
- Oh, my God! My leg is straightening.
Hallelujah! Thank you to the large lizard
for ending our drought!
'Tis a most noble honor to serve the realm
of this tween queen's vagina!
Jay!
You just gave me a literal orgasm.
Yeah, I guess I really am
the Ultimate Fuck Machine, huh?
- No, Jay!
- Oh!
You're the Ultimate Listening Machine.
Oh, shit.
May I return the favor, Jay-zilla?
I appreciate the offer, babe,
but I full-on painted the inside
of my jeans while I was fingering you.
Four coats, including primer.
Oh, Jay! I am deeply humbled.
I fucking worship you!
Right back at you, King Finger!
I am devastated by the end of my marriage.
Please respect my privacy
as I go live all day and answer questions
from literally anyone.
#DevinsPrivacy.
Oh, that poor girl, bless her heart.
I hope the divorce wasn't because
she's got that doo-doo brown hair.
I bet she doesn't know
whether to brush it or flush it.
Matthew! You're so funny.
But divorce is no laughing matter.
You know they're children, right?
- Children who broke their vows.
- Oh, look, we're here.
Love you, sweet pea!
Have fun
at your Interfaith Council meeting!
Interfaith Council meeting?
I thought we were going to Aiden's house
to meet his friends.
You know, bro out with da boyz!
Yeah, we are.
Then why couldn't she drop us off there?
Not that I'm complaining.
I could use the cardio.
My mom and I have
this great arrangement going
where I'm gay
and neither of us talk about it.
Also, honey, you do not need the cardio.
You look fantastic.
No, really?
'Cause I feel fucking fat.
Because, Lumphump311,
I have carpal tunnel,
and if I hand-jobbed him,
my wrist would literally shatter.
Ugh, this girl is so basic
with her wack-ass excuses.
For real! Honey, take a Benadryl
and slap that dick around, okay?
It's, like, not a big deal.
Her hair Now that's a big deal.
Is it me or does she have
Waffle House bangs?
Ooh, you should keep him!
Grow up, bitch. It's just a hand job.
You know how straight people are.
- Prude.
- Yes, so prude.
I mean, all my gay friends
are hand-jobbing.
But you and Aiden aren't hand-jobbing.
- Oh, God, should we be?
- Ooh! Ooh! He just squeezed your hand.
- What does that mean?
- Isn't it obvious?
He wants you to grab his boy rope
and play tug-of-war with his taint!
- Really?
- And before you ask,
there's literally nothing else
it could mean!
I don't know, Maury, I don't think
I'm ready to give Aiden a hand job.
That's fine! He can jerk you off.
- What if I don't wanna do any of it?
- You have to do it.
I do? Why?
Because of the sacrifices
of your gay forefathers.
Have you not seen
my episode of Spunk History?
You mean Drunk History?
- No, no, no, Spunk History.
- Hmm.
I chug a bunch of my own jizz
- and tell stories about the past.
- Uh-huh.
Anyway, I'll show it to you.
It's on my phone.
Sorry it's cracked.
I dropped it in the bathroom.
Oh! Hachi machi, this stuff is strong.
Okay, where were we?
So when the Bible was happening,
the prophet Abraham was like
Hey, I'm Abraham.
And God says, "It's Adam and Eve,
not Chuck and Larry"
Whatever, you know what I mean.
Fuck, I'm drunk.
Shh! Shh! Don't wake the kid.
- Okay, where was I?
- The Bible.
Right, the Bible.
Okay, so fast-forward,
like, a hundred million years,
and being gay, like
gets you in trouble.
For example,
there's this dude, Oscar Wilde.
He liked guys,
and they put him in jail for it.
And he's like
"This is very uncool.
If I'm stuck in here,
I can't write Billy Elliot."
Ay!
Are these getting thicker?
Okay, so they're putting gay people
in jail,
but then in 1969, sexy year, woo-woo
all the queers got to go to Stonewall.
And Marsha P. Johnson,
she threw out the first pitch.
Gay ball!
And then the laws started to change,
so now we have
pride parades,
Drag Race,
same-sex marriage,
and now gays can fuck wherever they want.
And that is the story
of the first Thanksgiving.
Okay, so you're saying
that as a young gay man
Who's so hot and who I love so much.
Thank you.
…being sexually active is my duty?
Yes! It's a celebration
of your sexual liberation.
Ooh, I just had an idea.
Let's jerk Aiden off!
Okay.
Come on, say it like
you want a dick in your hand.
Okay! Dick!
- Hey.
- Upstairs, bitch!
Oh, God, what are you doing?
Take your pants off! I'm gonna
knuckle-shuffle your piss pump!
- What?
- Now spit on his carpet and smile.
What the fuck, babe?
You're scaring me. Stop it!
Nobody said this would be fun!
It should be fun.
Why else would we do it?
I don't know, because we're gay
and we did Stonewall,
and it's our duty! Right?
What in the fuck are you talking about?
Your friends, and how we have to hand-job,
and if I don't want to, I'm a prude!
Okay, my friends are full of shit.
- Broderick hasn't even kissed a boy.
- Oh!
And besides, hand jobs are only fun
if both of us are into it.
So, it's okay to wait?
Of course.
Let's just take the pressure off,
circle a date on the calendar
six months from now,
and if you're not ready by then,
I'll kill myself.
Um, can we still make out?
Sure. And maybe after that,
we can clean up the carpet where you spit.
Hey, Matthew? Sorry, I know you're busy,
but can I use
"knuckle-shuffle on your piss pump"?
I wanna put it as my senior quote
on my yearbook page.
Oh, my God, isn't he so hot?
Send him an eggplant and an avocado emoji
and say, "Hungry for your cock-amole."
Or I could send him a shirtless pic back.
"Can't wait to jerk you off
on my timetable."
In the meantime, shall we take
a 45-minute shower?
Oh, ho-ho!
Let's go clog that fucking drain.
Oh my!
Oh, Jesus on a four-man bobsled!
Kimberly,
that commercial you like is on!
The one with Flo!
Oh, that Flo! Coming!
Oh!
I'll be right there!
Holy shit.
Ladies, I've decided to do feminism
in a way that serves me.
So as long as I'm not
touching any penises,
I'm calling on all of you
to boycott boy cock!
I'm not sure about that slogan.
Nick, should it be "Boycott boy cock"
or "Boy cock boycott"?
Who fucking cares? The world is gonna end.
It sure is. You saw it yourself,
right after Jessi said
you were a bad person who couldn't fuck!
Uh, Nick, what's going on, buddy?
You seem very anxious.
After that fight with Jessi, I had this
crazy dream, and now I'm a fucking mess.
Well, if you have access to a hand,
you might want to try
some self-medicating.
Oh, that.
Uh, I'm not very good at that,
I don't think.
You gotta practice, man.
Grind that pepper,
give your salad a little kick, baby.
I forgot about this.
Nick, come on. There's nothing to it.
Allow me to show you
the Glouberman method.
"The Glouberman method"?
It's a delicate dance in just 17 steps.
- Seventeen?
- Look.
Lock.
Lights.
Music.
Lower the shades.
I flip the Mets.
I flip the 'rents.
Lululemon maternity catalog.
Double-check the lock.
A tissue, two, three, four.
A lotion, pump, pump, pump.
- Ass.
- Jesus.
Triple-check the lock again.
I'm sorry, you check the lock three times?
Nick, you interrupted me!
Now I have to do it all over again.
From the top, everybody. Back to one.
- Places!
- No, no, I don't need to see that again.
Also, Andrew,
you can pull up your pants now.
Aren't you gonna try
the Glouberman method?
Oh, God, no! Do you really do that
every time you jerk off?
Yes, of course!
Well, why would you even ask that?
I don't know, it just seems a little bit,
like, um
totally obsessive and insane.
I'm not obsessive.
I just know that if I ever deviate from
my very precise method, even a smidge,
something terrible will happen.
That sounds like
how a psychopath would masturbate.
Oh, please,
would a psychopath keep a journal
logging every ejaculation
by weight and color?
Hold on. If I hadn't stopped you,
- were you gonna fully cum in front of me?
- Yes.
Hey, remember that thing Nick said
about the method?
That it's weird and annoying,
and you seem crazy?
Yeah. Like, what do you think?
Well, I hate to agree
with that little fat-lipped fuck,
- but I have some issues with the method.
- Really?
Jacking off is supposed to be spontaneous
and fun,
like a motorcycle blowing up
in front of a bikini woman.
God, that's a great visual,
but the method does work.
Come on, you're a man!
When you wanna jerk off,
you should just grab your short fatty
and go to work, baby!
Yeah, you're right. I mean,
what's the worst that could happen?
Hey, do you have a big hose
to cool me down?
Well, it's got a wide nozzle.
Ooh!
And maybe your cousin Cherry shows up.
Hey! I'm Andrew's cousin.
We have the same grandpa.
So get lost,
'cause this is making me horny!
Oh, yeah? Well,
then let's kiss about it, bitch!
Oh, God, they're gonna kiss fight!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!
And your bedroom door is wide open.
I can smell the soup
your mom's making downstairs.
You were right, Maury! Just get to it!
Hey, what are we gonna do
with all our newfound free time?
Jack off again!
Do it in front of the window this time.
Let's fucking Louis the neighbor!
Well, let's not call it that.
What? No!
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
- What?
Marty, what's wrong?
It's Skip.
My father just dropped dead!
- Zaide?
- Your grandpa just died?
- What happened?
- They don't know! His heart just stopped!
Oh, God, at the exact moment I deviated
from the method
Maury, you don't think that
That you killed your grandpa?
Because you jerked off willy-nilly?
Without the hat and the dance?
Oh, Maury! It's true, isn't it?
It's all my fault! I killed my Zaide!
I told you, he who cums
without discipline invites chaos.
- That is the opposite of what you said!
- Murderer says what?
- What?
- Exactly.
Oh, God!
If you've looked at your phone today,
you've no doubt noticed the hashtag
"BoycottBoyCock."
Hi, I'm Gayle King,
and with me now is the young woman
who started it all, Devin LeSeven.
Gayle, it all started
when my husband Devon divorced me
because I wouldn't give him a hand job.
I have to ask,
is your husband also a child?
I think I hope the answer is yes.
Mmm! Michael Angelo's so hot
and such a good kisser,
you don't even care that girl
from your old school's on TV, huh?
Let's depend on him
for all our self-worth and happiness.
Well, I don't like that.
But I do like the frenching.
- Ooh! No, it'll be okay.
- What's wrong, baby?
Oh, it's it's nothing.
It's just, um
- It's just blue balls.
- Oh, God, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. Am I doing something wrong?
- I mean, you turn me on,
but then I don't get to, like,
you know, uh finish?
Uh, right. Finish.
And, uh And so now I'm just, like,
in massive agony.
- Oh, God! Massive?
- Yeah
You hear that? You're hurting him!
Is she, though?
I mean, "blue balls."
Is that really a thing?
I mean, I've heard of it.
Everybody talks about it.
I just don't know what it is.
No, it's fine.
It's just this excruciating pain
in my nuts
- that turns into a cramp in my stomach.
- Oh, God.
Could you imagine that, Jessi?
A painful cramp in your stomach?
Of course you can!
And the government should pay for tampons!
You better do something
about those blue balls
before he dumps you.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Ah! What can we do?
- Listen
- You want to go to urgent care?
I guess there's one thing we could try
No, forget it.
You probably wouldn't be into it.
No! What is it?
Maybe I'll be into it. Tell me.
- I guess if you really wanted to help…
- I do.
…you could, you know, give me a hand job?
Oh! Oh, a hand job.
Wow! Okay, that's, um
That is an unexpected big request.
Kinda big league Big League Chew!
So you're into it?
Might as well.
He's in ninth grade,
he expects these things.
Shit, what's the answer? I don't know.
It's just, I wish I could do it right now,
but I do, um
I have to go vote.
I have to go vote. It's, um
It's a state election.
- Okay.
- But tonight,
I'm gonna come back,
we're gonna hang out
- Yes.
- And I will be down to stroke that clown.
- Oh, good.
- Just hang tight.
- All right.
- Okay, I'll be back.
Wait a tick.
If blue balls hurt that much,
why can't he just jerk himself off?
- Wait, yeah.
- Because he wants you to do it.
You're his girlfriend.
It's your job!
It's your hand job!
And if you don't do it, someone else will.
Oh, really?
I'd do it myself,
but I'm just a fat, sad cat.
See, I just think Michael Angelo's
blowing this blue balls thing
way out of proportion.
But what if he's not?
What if it's agony?
What if they rupture?
What if he drops dead?
Next stop: blue balls ward.
What?
Out of the way!
These blue balls are about to explode!
I don't wanna die! I have kids! Inside me!
Jesus, is this place for real?
Unfortunately, yes.
It's the blue balls ward
of the Boy Hospital.
They got a fucking blue balls ward?
Where are those free tampons?
Michael Angelo's balls are here
because you won't jerk him off.
Why do you hate us, Jessi?
Why won't you save them?
You're literally an enormous hand.
Why don't you do it?
Because I am a doctor, not his girlfriend.
Thanks for nothing, Jessi.
I'm gonna call it.
Cause of death: Jessi Glaser.
Oh, shit!
Fuck me!
I just got my hair blown out,
and now I feel like an idiot.
You know what? I'm gonna complain
to Mark Levin about this.
Okay, so blue balls actually
seems like a huge fucking deal.
Seems like everything'd just be a whole
lot easier if you'd just jerk him off.
- I guess you're right.
- If he isn't already dead!
We can do this.
We're just gonna yank it, spank it
and crank it until the slime comes out.
Oh, yeah. Slime's gonna come out.
Well, I think it's time
to milk that mushroom, baby.
I just wish I was more into it.
It's too late to back out now.
You promised him.
Just zone out, Anthony his wiener,
and think about lunch.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Michael Angelo, I'm um
I'm ready to do that thing
that we said we would do.
You mean, you wanna give me a hand job?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I mostly wanna do it, yeah.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
This is exactly what you wanna do.
- Yeah.
- Here it is.
Oh. Okay! It's there!
Oh, my God. It's a penis.
Hello. You must be Jessi. I'm a penis.
Yes, you're a real-life penis.
It's a funny word, isn't it? "Penis."
Say it with me.
Penis.
- Penis.
- Penis.
It is indeed a funny word.
It's a funny word 'cause
it's a funny-looking thing.
Oh, my God!
Yeah! Some would say ugly!
You're not what I expected.
Oh, right, 'cause he's English
and I'm from Long Island.
Hey, pull me down, Jessi!
Watch me boing back up!
- Oh, yeah.
- Boing!
That stupid thing boinged back up!
That's so fucking stupid!
I love laughing about this!
Jessi, what's so bloody funny?
It's my dick.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm
I'm just nervous, and your penis is
from Long Island, and I'm so sorry.
Oyster Bay, to be exact.
- Oh, my God.
- What the fuck?
Stop laughing! He's getting mad!
God! This was clearly a mistake.
What? No, no, no! I'm sorry!
I didn't
Well, it's not like I'm laughing
at your sad little titties!
Oh, fuck, no!
Rip his throat out with your teeth, Jessi!
- Um
- Say something!
I, uh
You know, I might have
tiny little titties, but
Oh, yeah, here it comes!
But, you know, I think I just need
to go home, um, tonight.
For now.
Aw, Jessi, that's all you got?
Yeah? Well, don't worry about coming back.
You're an immature cock tease,
and I'm breaking up with you.
What?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go finish myself off.
Now, see?
Why couldn't he do that the whole time?
You got dumped!
He doesn't want you.
No one's ever gonna want you.
Jessi, honey, there's a documentary
about Lorena Bobbitt
- that has some really intriguing ideas.
- Jessi!
- Would you care to explain this email?
- Mom
Your school says you haven't been there
in a week?
Just shut her out and pull your blanket
over your head.
Maybe you should talk to her.
If anybody knows about not wanting
to stroke dick, it's got to be Shannon.
Oh, yeah, she'll be a lot of help
when you tell her
about your secret boyfriend.
You'll get in even more trouble!
What's going on with you, Jessi?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Just leave me alone.
I'm really disappointed in you.
You're so alone.
But you've got us.
Yeah, you got us.
No worries, I'll just sit on the floor
and catch up on my stories.
Hey, y'all. Devon here.
Devin's been on here talking hella shit,
and you know what?
I wanna keep it real.
I didn't divorce her 'cause
she wouldn't give me a hand job,
although she said she would.
I broke up with her because she's mean.
She's a meanie-bo-beanie,
and I don't like it.
So I'm single now, and
if anybody wants to give me a hand job,
slide on into them DMs, dawg.
But please be nice to me.
That was a good episode.
It was different, but not too different.
I liked it.
I gotta say, all that hand stuff made me,
Connie, a little horny.
Should we do some hand stuff?
Hand job? Hand job?
Ooh, really? With Andrew right in the bed?
The kid sleeps through everything.
That's true.
We can always pretend he's dead.
- All right, take your hand south.
- You like that?
Further. Down to Tijuana.
- How's that?
- That's it.
- Yeah!
- Hallelujah.
Can't keep my hands to myself ♪
Hands to myself ♪
Can't keep my hands to myself ♪
Hands to myself ♪
The doctors say you're no good ♪
But people say what they wanna say ♪
And you should know if I could ♪
I'd breathe you in every single day ♪
Mm-hmm ♪
'Cause all of the downs and the uppers
Keep making love to each other ♪
And I'm trying, trying
Trying, trying ♪
All of the downs and the uppers
Keep making love to each other ♪
And I'm trying ♪
Fathouse.
"Good at Bizness."
Chirp.
Boy, oh, boy. That last episode,
the one that took place in the future,
was banar-nar.
Yeah, we weren't even in it!
I wonder what they're gonna do
with this episode.
Says here, it's called
"Four Stories About Hand Stuff."
Hand stuff?
Like fingering and hand jobs.
Ooh, we better be in this one, mama.
Yeah! If we're not, then I'm gonna
have a word with Mark Levin.
Who? Who's Mark Levin?
You know!
He's one of those four "Created
By" names at the end of the theme song.
Four's a lot, huh?
I heard they're all married to each other.
Fucking Hollywood.
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
Oh, look at that! Mark Levin.
One of the three husbands. Okay.
Excuse me. Are you Devin LeSeven?
Of course I am, Caleb.
You've been served.
What is this?
Devon is divorcing you
because you have differences
that are not able to be reconciled.
- Irreconcilable!
- Hey, Caleb. How'd she take it?
With her right hand.
Oh, my
Guys! I have tragic
and very gratifying information
to tell you.
Devon is divorcing Devin.
It's, like, really, really sad!
Huh. I guess you never really know
what's going on
in someone else's marriage.
It is so sobering to watch a friend get,
like, legally dumped.
What happened?
Was it because Devin never listened
to anything Devon ever said
and tried to make him
into a completely different person?
Word on the supposed street
is Devon broke up with her
because she wouldn't give him a hand job.
It's very upsetting.
Are you serious?
Does this mean that all the guys
are gonna expect hand jobs now?
We don't have to do anything
that we're not comfortable doing.
Wrong! I once discussed this very matter
with my mom's boyfriend in the kitchen
at 11 p.m. while he was refilling
a Powerade bottle with tap water.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, no.
- Lola!
- And excuse me!
He assured me that if you wanna
keep your man, you gotta put out!
- Dude, you've got this all wrong.
- Yeah, dude.
Well, this is rich.
What do you two lesbos know
about pleasing a man?
I'm just saying it's lame to only focus
on the boys, okay? What about us?
Get to the point, Ali. I'm a busy lady.
She means it can feel
really fucking good to get fingered.
Hell, yeah!
So, Lola, maybe it's not your job
to please your man,
maybe it's his job to please you.
Oh f
Let me know when you're done
with "Arts and Leisure."
I'm done, babe. It was just a review
of Pippin, and they did not like it.
Jay, honey, have you been following
this Devins story?
Oh, yeah. Wild stuff.
It really is, right?
But it did get me thinking
Should we do a hand job?
Hmm.
Color me intrigued, but in actuality,
I had something different in mind.
Two dinners
at two different Panda Expresses?
No! Jay, I want you to hand-job me
with your finger.
Oh, okay, you want me to finger you.
Totally! I can get on board for that.
Ooh, wait a minute, though.
I gotta go get my nails trimmed.
It's a three-man operation.
- Yeah.
- You're hurting me! Oh, my God!
Wow.
I should have asked earlier,
but why are we cutting your nails?
Uh, no big deal.
My lady and I have a date for some
fingering.
Whoa! Aren't you, like, scared to,
you know
No! I'm the Ultimate Fuck Machine, guys!
Sure, Jay, with pillows.
But this is a real girl
with a real vagina.
Yeah, I know!
It's like a dick, but inside out.
I think it's more complicated than that.
- Doubt it.
- Listen to him.
- I'm sorry, what do you mean?
- It it's underneath.
- No, it points straight out.
- No.
If it points down,
everything's gonna come flopping out!
Oh, God, Jay, you're in over your head.
What do you two lesbos know
about pleasing a girl, anyway?
I'd say lesbians would probably know
exactly how to please a girl.
You know what? Fuck this!
I'll talk to the experts.
Hey, Val, Kurt. Are you guys busy?
Yeah, we're pulling a turtle out
of its shell.
Yeah, well, that seems really cool.
I just was, you know, wondering
I'm supposed to finger my girlfriend
- Gay.
- So gay.
But if I was to do it,
like, do you have any advice?
You've come to the right place.
Together, we claimed to have fingered
over 3,000 women.
So, first off, you want to get
as many fingers in there as possible.
- Obviously.
- And you gotta get elbow-deep,
like it's a vending machine
and your Cheetos didn't fall down,
- so you really gotta reach up.
- And they like that?
Also, you need a signature move.
- I, for example, shove a booger up there.
- Booger
That way, if it's still there
the next time you fingerblast her,
you know she's not cheating on you.
Well, that makes sense. Thanks, guys.
Do you know this is
the longest conversation we've ever had?
Fuck you!
Worth it.
Physical touch means you love me.
All right, Jay, the time has come
- Oh, my God.
- Are you ready?
I am so ready!
- Babe, I'm gonna rock that twat.
- You are.
You're gonna be louder
than the iHeartRadio music festival.
Oh, my God! You are so wet.
That's my belly button.
It's full of lotion.
Oh, oh! Sorry. Sorry.
- That's okay. It's there for a reason.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Yeah.
- Okay. Now this
this has gotta be the vagina.
If it's not, I'm gonna probably go crazy.
Well, Jay, then worry you no more,
because you have officially entered
my kingdom.
Oh, fuck. Yes, my queen.
- Let's get up in there.
- Okay.
- All right, more fingers.
- It's a little crowded in there.
- Oh, babe.
- Elbow-deep.
You're kinda, like, jackhammering
a little too much.
- Okay.
- Maybe take the gas off the pedal
Gotta get those chips out
of the vending machine.
- No! It's like
- The thing ate my quarter!
This isn't feeling good. Stop it! Stop!
What happened? Did you cum?
- No.
- Are you sure?
Jay, what you're doing, like,
doesn't feel very good!
Are you saying I'm bad at fingering?
No, you're saying it, but I'm, like,
100% agreeing with you.
- Maybe you're bad at getting fingered!
- What?
I talked to a lot of guys about this.
But you never talked to any girls,
and most specifically me,
whose wagina you were just ruining,
and not in the way that I wanted!
Why would I talk to you
about your own body?
Do you hear how crazy that sounds?
It's better than what you just did
to my previously eager hole.
But if I ask you what to do,
then you'll know
I have no idea what I'm doing!
But, Jay, that's okay.
Why don't you just, like, let me guide you
and show you what I like?
Fuck. Okay.
Teach me the ways of your kingdom.
With pleasure, Jay-zilla.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, I'm just gonna shove my way through!
- No, like, gently.
- Oh, okay.
Now maybe, like, try rubbing the outside?
- Yeah.
- Like that?
Uh-huh. But, like, a tiny bit firmer.
- Like that?
- Just like that, yes.
I want to go in!
- Calm down!
- Okay.
Go in slowly, okay?
Is this what you like?
- Yeah!
- Do I go in all the way in now?
No, no. Now, go out.
- Okay.
- Now go back in.
- Really?
- Now go out.
- Okay.
- A little slower.
Okay, okay.
Actually, the most important part
is up top.
- Is that
- Yes, Jay!
- Okay.
- That is clitorally my clitoris.
Whoa! And who are the archers?
Oh, those are my pubes,
the Knights of St. Joseph.
They're sworn to protect me.
You're doing splendidly, Jay-zilla!
- Thanks, guys!
- Back to the bell!
Oh! Okay! Okay!
Should I squeeze it as hard as I can?
- Don't squeeze it. Pet the bell.
- Okay.
- Pet the bell back and forth.
- Okay!
- Yes! Keep doing that!
- Okay.
Can you do a small circle? Faster! Faster!
- Huzzah!
- Oh, my God! My leg is straightening.
Hallelujah! Thank you to the large lizard
for ending our drought!
'Tis a most noble honor to serve the realm
of this tween queen's vagina!
Jay!
You just gave me a literal orgasm.
Yeah, I guess I really am
the Ultimate Fuck Machine, huh?
- No, Jay!
- Oh!
You're the Ultimate Listening Machine.
Oh, shit.
May I return the favor, Jay-zilla?
I appreciate the offer, babe,
but I full-on painted the inside
of my jeans while I was fingering you.
Four coats, including primer.
Oh, Jay! I am deeply humbled.
I fucking worship you!
Right back at you, King Finger!
I am devastated by the end of my marriage.
Please respect my privacy
as I go live all day and answer questions
from literally anyone.
#DevinsPrivacy.
Oh, that poor girl, bless her heart.
I hope the divorce wasn't because
she's got that doo-doo brown hair.
I bet she doesn't know
whether to brush it or flush it.
Matthew! You're so funny.
But divorce is no laughing matter.
You know they're children, right?
- Children who broke their vows.
- Oh, look, we're here.
Love you, sweet pea!
Have fun
at your Interfaith Council meeting!
Interfaith Council meeting?
I thought we were going to Aiden's house
to meet his friends.
You know, bro out with da boyz!
Yeah, we are.
Then why couldn't she drop us off there?
Not that I'm complaining.
I could use the cardio.
My mom and I have
this great arrangement going
where I'm gay
and neither of us talk about it.
Also, honey, you do not need the cardio.
You look fantastic.
No, really?
'Cause I feel fucking fat.
Because, Lumphump311,
I have carpal tunnel,
and if I hand-jobbed him,
my wrist would literally shatter.
Ugh, this girl is so basic
with her wack-ass excuses.
For real! Honey, take a Benadryl
and slap that dick around, okay?
It's, like, not a big deal.
Her hair Now that's a big deal.
Is it me or does she have
Waffle House bangs?
Ooh, you should keep him!
Grow up, bitch. It's just a hand job.
You know how straight people are.
- Prude.
- Yes, so prude.
I mean, all my gay friends
are hand-jobbing.
But you and Aiden aren't hand-jobbing.
- Oh, God, should we be?
- Ooh! Ooh! He just squeezed your hand.
- What does that mean?
- Isn't it obvious?
He wants you to grab his boy rope
and play tug-of-war with his taint!
- Really?
- And before you ask,
there's literally nothing else
it could mean!
I don't know, Maury, I don't think
I'm ready to give Aiden a hand job.
That's fine! He can jerk you off.
- What if I don't wanna do any of it?
- You have to do it.
I do? Why?
Because of the sacrifices
of your gay forefathers.
Have you not seen
my episode of Spunk History?
You mean Drunk History?
- No, no, no, Spunk History.
- Hmm.
I chug a bunch of my own jizz
- and tell stories about the past.
- Uh-huh.
Anyway, I'll show it to you.
It's on my phone.
Sorry it's cracked.
I dropped it in the bathroom.
Oh! Hachi machi, this stuff is strong.
Okay, where were we?
So when the Bible was happening,
the prophet Abraham was like
Hey, I'm Abraham.
And God says, "It's Adam and Eve,
not Chuck and Larry"
Whatever, you know what I mean.
Fuck, I'm drunk.
Shh! Shh! Don't wake the kid.
- Okay, where was I?
- The Bible.
Right, the Bible.
Okay, so fast-forward,
like, a hundred million years,
and being gay, like
gets you in trouble.
For example,
there's this dude, Oscar Wilde.
He liked guys,
and they put him in jail for it.
And he's like
"This is very uncool.
If I'm stuck in here,
I can't write Billy Elliot."
Ay!
Are these getting thicker?
Okay, so they're putting gay people
in jail,
but then in 1969, sexy year, woo-woo
all the queers got to go to Stonewall.
And Marsha P. Johnson,
she threw out the first pitch.
Gay ball!
And then the laws started to change,
so now we have
pride parades,
Drag Race,
same-sex marriage,
and now gays can fuck wherever they want.
And that is the story
of the first Thanksgiving.
Okay, so you're saying
that as a young gay man
Who's so hot and who I love so much.
Thank you.
…being sexually active is my duty?
Yes! It's a celebration
of your sexual liberation.
Ooh, I just had an idea.
Let's jerk Aiden off!
Okay.
Come on, say it like
you want a dick in your hand.
Okay! Dick!
- Hey.
- Upstairs, bitch!
Oh, God, what are you doing?
Take your pants off! I'm gonna
knuckle-shuffle your piss pump!
- What?
- Now spit on his carpet and smile.
What the fuck, babe?
You're scaring me. Stop it!
Nobody said this would be fun!
It should be fun.
Why else would we do it?
I don't know, because we're gay
and we did Stonewall,
and it's our duty! Right?
What in the fuck are you talking about?
Your friends, and how we have to hand-job,
and if I don't want to, I'm a prude!
Okay, my friends are full of shit.
- Broderick hasn't even kissed a boy.
- Oh!
And besides, hand jobs are only fun
if both of us are into it.
So, it's okay to wait?
Of course.
Let's just take the pressure off,
circle a date on the calendar
six months from now,
and if you're not ready by then,
I'll kill myself.
Um, can we still make out?
Sure. And maybe after that,
we can clean up the carpet where you spit.
Hey, Matthew? Sorry, I know you're busy,
but can I use
"knuckle-shuffle on your piss pump"?
I wanna put it as my senior quote
on my yearbook page.
Oh, my God, isn't he so hot?
Send him an eggplant and an avocado emoji
and say, "Hungry for your cock-amole."
Or I could send him a shirtless pic back.
"Can't wait to jerk you off
on my timetable."
In the meantime, shall we take
a 45-minute shower?
Oh, ho-ho!
Let's go clog that fucking drain.
Oh my!
Oh, Jesus on a four-man bobsled!
Kimberly,
that commercial you like is on!
The one with Flo!
Oh, that Flo! Coming!
Oh!
I'll be right there!
Holy shit.
Ladies, I've decided to do feminism
in a way that serves me.
So as long as I'm not
touching any penises,
I'm calling on all of you
to boycott boy cock!
I'm not sure about that slogan.
Nick, should it be "Boycott boy cock"
or "Boy cock boycott"?
Who fucking cares? The world is gonna end.
It sure is. You saw it yourself,
right after Jessi said
you were a bad person who couldn't fuck!
Uh, Nick, what's going on, buddy?
You seem very anxious.
After that fight with Jessi, I had this
crazy dream, and now I'm a fucking mess.
Well, if you have access to a hand,
you might want to try
some self-medicating.
Oh, that.
Uh, I'm not very good at that,
I don't think.
You gotta practice, man.
Grind that pepper,
give your salad a little kick, baby.
I forgot about this.
Nick, come on. There's nothing to it.
Allow me to show you
the Glouberman method.
"The Glouberman method"?
It's a delicate dance in just 17 steps.
- Seventeen?
- Look.
Lock.
Lights.
Music.
Lower the shades.
I flip the Mets.
I flip the 'rents.
Lululemon maternity catalog.
Double-check the lock.
A tissue, two, three, four.
A lotion, pump, pump, pump.
- Ass.
- Jesus.
Triple-check the lock again.
I'm sorry, you check the lock three times?
Nick, you interrupted me!
Now I have to do it all over again.
From the top, everybody. Back to one.
- Places!
- No, no, I don't need to see that again.
Also, Andrew,
you can pull up your pants now.
Aren't you gonna try
the Glouberman method?
Oh, God, no! Do you really do that
every time you jerk off?
Yes, of course!
Well, why would you even ask that?
I don't know, it just seems a little bit,
like, um
totally obsessive and insane.
I'm not obsessive.
I just know that if I ever deviate from
my very precise method, even a smidge,
something terrible will happen.
That sounds like
how a psychopath would masturbate.
Oh, please,
would a psychopath keep a journal
logging every ejaculation
by weight and color?
Hold on. If I hadn't stopped you,
- were you gonna fully cum in front of me?
- Yes.
Hey, remember that thing Nick said
about the method?
That it's weird and annoying,
and you seem crazy?
Yeah. Like, what do you think?
Well, I hate to agree
with that little fat-lipped fuck,
- but I have some issues with the method.
- Really?
Jacking off is supposed to be spontaneous
and fun,
like a motorcycle blowing up
in front of a bikini woman.
God, that's a great visual,
but the method does work.
Come on, you're a man!
When you wanna jerk off,
you should just grab your short fatty
and go to work, baby!
Yeah, you're right. I mean,
what's the worst that could happen?
Hey, do you have a big hose
to cool me down?
Well, it's got a wide nozzle.
Ooh!
And maybe your cousin Cherry shows up.
Hey! I'm Andrew's cousin.
We have the same grandpa.
So get lost,
'cause this is making me horny!
Oh, yeah? Well,
then let's kiss about it, bitch!
Oh, God, they're gonna kiss fight!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!
And your bedroom door is wide open.
I can smell the soup
your mom's making downstairs.
You were right, Maury! Just get to it!
Hey, what are we gonna do
with all our newfound free time?
Jack off again!
Do it in front of the window this time.
Let's fucking Louis the neighbor!
Well, let's not call it that.
What? No!
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
- What?
Marty, what's wrong?
It's Skip.
My father just dropped dead!
- Zaide?
- Your grandpa just died?
- What happened?
- They don't know! His heart just stopped!
Oh, God, at the exact moment I deviated
from the method
Maury, you don't think that
That you killed your grandpa?
Because you jerked off willy-nilly?
Without the hat and the dance?
Oh, Maury! It's true, isn't it?
It's all my fault! I killed my Zaide!
I told you, he who cums
without discipline invites chaos.
- That is the opposite of what you said!
- Murderer says what?
- What?
- Exactly.
Oh, God!
If you've looked at your phone today,
you've no doubt noticed the hashtag
"BoycottBoyCock."
Hi, I'm Gayle King,
and with me now is the young woman
who started it all, Devin LeSeven.
Gayle, it all started
when my husband Devon divorced me
because I wouldn't give him a hand job.
I have to ask,
is your husband also a child?
I think I hope the answer is yes.
Mmm! Michael Angelo's so hot
and such a good kisser,
you don't even care that girl
from your old school's on TV, huh?
Let's depend on him
for all our self-worth and happiness.
Well, I don't like that.
But I do like the frenching.
- Ooh! No, it'll be okay.
- What's wrong, baby?
Oh, it's it's nothing.
It's just, um
- It's just blue balls.
- Oh, God, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. Am I doing something wrong?
- I mean, you turn me on,
but then I don't get to, like,
you know, uh finish?
Uh, right. Finish.
And, uh And so now I'm just, like,
in massive agony.
- Oh, God! Massive?
- Yeah
You hear that? You're hurting him!
Is she, though?
I mean, "blue balls."
Is that really a thing?
I mean, I've heard of it.
Everybody talks about it.
I just don't know what it is.
No, it's fine.
It's just this excruciating pain
in my nuts
- that turns into a cramp in my stomach.
- Oh, God.
Could you imagine that, Jessi?
A painful cramp in your stomach?
Of course you can!
And the government should pay for tampons!
You better do something
about those blue balls
before he dumps you.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Ah! What can we do?
- Listen
- You want to go to urgent care?
I guess there's one thing we could try
No, forget it.
You probably wouldn't be into it.
No! What is it?
Maybe I'll be into it. Tell me.
- I guess if you really wanted to help…
- I do.
…you could, you know, give me a hand job?
Oh! Oh, a hand job.
Wow! Okay, that's, um
That is an unexpected big request.
Kinda big league Big League Chew!
So you're into it?
Might as well.
He's in ninth grade,
he expects these things.
Shit, what's the answer? I don't know.
It's just, I wish I could do it right now,
but I do, um
I have to go vote.
I have to go vote. It's, um
It's a state election.
- Okay.
- But tonight,
I'm gonna come back,
we're gonna hang out
- Yes.
- And I will be down to stroke that clown.
- Oh, good.
- Just hang tight.
- All right.
- Okay, I'll be back.
Wait a tick.
If blue balls hurt that much,
why can't he just jerk himself off?
- Wait, yeah.
- Because he wants you to do it.
You're his girlfriend.
It's your job!
It's your hand job!
And if you don't do it, someone else will.
Oh, really?
I'd do it myself,
but I'm just a fat, sad cat.
See, I just think Michael Angelo's
blowing this blue balls thing
way out of proportion.
But what if he's not?
What if it's agony?
What if they rupture?
What if he drops dead?
Next stop: blue balls ward.
What?
Out of the way!
These blue balls are about to explode!
I don't wanna die! I have kids! Inside me!
Jesus, is this place for real?
Unfortunately, yes.
It's the blue balls ward
of the Boy Hospital.
They got a fucking blue balls ward?
Where are those free tampons?
Michael Angelo's balls are here
because you won't jerk him off.
Why do you hate us, Jessi?
Why won't you save them?
You're literally an enormous hand.
Why don't you do it?
Because I am a doctor, not his girlfriend.
Thanks for nothing, Jessi.
I'm gonna call it.
Cause of death: Jessi Glaser.
Oh, shit!
Fuck me!
I just got my hair blown out,
and now I feel like an idiot.
You know what? I'm gonna complain
to Mark Levin about this.
Okay, so blue balls actually
seems like a huge fucking deal.
Seems like everything'd just be a whole
lot easier if you'd just jerk him off.
- I guess you're right.
- If he isn't already dead!
We can do this.
We're just gonna yank it, spank it
and crank it until the slime comes out.
Oh, yeah. Slime's gonna come out.
Well, I think it's time
to milk that mushroom, baby.
I just wish I was more into it.
It's too late to back out now.
You promised him.
Just zone out, Anthony his wiener,
and think about lunch.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Michael Angelo, I'm um
I'm ready to do that thing
that we said we would do.
You mean, you wanna give me a hand job?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I mostly wanna do it, yeah.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
This is exactly what you wanna do.
- Yeah.
- Here it is.
Oh. Okay! It's there!
Oh, my God. It's a penis.
Hello. You must be Jessi. I'm a penis.
Yes, you're a real-life penis.
It's a funny word, isn't it? "Penis."
Say it with me.
Penis.
- Penis.
- Penis.
It is indeed a funny word.
It's a funny word 'cause
it's a funny-looking thing.
Oh, my God!
Yeah! Some would say ugly!
You're not what I expected.
Oh, right, 'cause he's English
and I'm from Long Island.
Hey, pull me down, Jessi!
Watch me boing back up!
- Oh, yeah.
- Boing!
That stupid thing boinged back up!
That's so fucking stupid!
I love laughing about this!
Jessi, what's so bloody funny?
It's my dick.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm
I'm just nervous, and your penis is
from Long Island, and I'm so sorry.
Oyster Bay, to be exact.
- Oh, my God.
- What the fuck?
Stop laughing! He's getting mad!
God! This was clearly a mistake.
What? No, no, no! I'm sorry!
I didn't
Well, it's not like I'm laughing
at your sad little titties!
Oh, fuck, no!
Rip his throat out with your teeth, Jessi!
- Um
- Say something!
I, uh
You know, I might have
tiny little titties, but
Oh, yeah, here it comes!
But, you know, I think I just need
to go home, um, tonight.
For now.
Aw, Jessi, that's all you got?
Yeah? Well, don't worry about coming back.
You're an immature cock tease,
and I'm breaking up with you.
What?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go finish myself off.
Now, see?
Why couldn't he do that the whole time?
You got dumped!
He doesn't want you.
No one's ever gonna want you.
Jessi, honey, there's a documentary
about Lorena Bobbitt
- that has some really intriguing ideas.
- Jessi!
- Would you care to explain this email?
- Mom
Your school says you haven't been there
in a week?
Just shut her out and pull your blanket
over your head.
Maybe you should talk to her.
If anybody knows about not wanting
to stroke dick, it's got to be Shannon.
Oh, yeah, she'll be a lot of help
when you tell her
about your secret boyfriend.
You'll get in even more trouble!
What's going on with you, Jessi?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Just leave me alone.
I'm really disappointed in you.
You're so alone.
But you've got us.
Yeah, you got us.
No worries, I'll just sit on the floor
and catch up on my stories.
Hey, y'all. Devon here.
Devin's been on here talking hella shit,
and you know what?
I wanna keep it real.
I didn't divorce her 'cause
she wouldn't give me a hand job,
although she said she would.
I broke up with her because she's mean.
She's a meanie-bo-beanie,
and I don't like it.
So I'm single now, and
if anybody wants to give me a hand job,
slide on into them DMs, dawg.
But please be nice to me.
That was a good episode.
It was different, but not too different.
I liked it.
I gotta say, all that hand stuff made me,
Connie, a little horny.
Should we do some hand stuff?
Hand job? Hand job?
Ooh, really? With Andrew right in the bed?
The kid sleeps through everything.
That's true.
We can always pretend he's dead.
- All right, take your hand south.
- You like that?
Further. Down to Tijuana.
- How's that?
- That's it.
- Yeah!
- Hallelujah.
Can't keep my hands to myself ♪
Hands to myself ♪
Can't keep my hands to myself ♪
Hands to myself ♪
The doctors say you're no good ♪
But people say what they wanna say ♪
And you should know if I could ♪
I'd breathe you in every single day ♪
Mm-hmm ♪
'Cause all of the downs and the uppers
Keep making love to each other ♪
And I'm trying, trying
Trying, trying ♪
All of the downs and the uppers
Keep making love to each other ♪
And I'm trying ♪
Fathouse.
"Good at Bizness."
Chirp.