Big Mouth (2017) s06e01 Episode Script

The Hookup House

Oh, Maury,
I can't get Bernie Sanders off my mind.
Oh, you came so close to touching
her sweet socialist sweater sausages.
Ew. They're not sausages.
Come on. What's the matter with you?
Oh, I'm sorry,
I think it's the pregnancy hormones.
And maybe the stress
of Connie not wanting the baby.
Okay, wow. That's a lot of information.
I guess people
really need to watch the spin-off.
Yeah, they watched it.
You didn't watch it?
I can't watch shows with my friends
in them. It just takes me out.
Hey, Andrew!
Get out there and shovel the driveway
before it stops snowing.
Can't you just hire someone
with a snowplow?
You're my snowplow!
I already pay you in dinner!
Brittany, your turn.
Fuck Brittany, and fuck these board games!
We've been snowed in
with your family for two weeks.
I know. It feels like a million years
since Jay's long tongue was in my mouth.
So fucking long.
I just wanna see him so bad.
It makes me wanna wanna
Kill your whole family?
No, it makes me wanna sing.
Oh, fuck yeah. I love that idea.
Every minute's like a hundred hours ♪
Every hour's like a million years ♪
I'm drowning in an ocean
Of lonely isolation ♪
My parents' every loving utterance ♪
Is like a dagger plunging into my ears ♪
I'm seething
With a murderous desperation ♪
Endless baking, joyless Zooming ♪
The loneliness is all-consuming ♪
Witless morons driving me up the wall ♪
I'm angry, bored, and sad
But most of all ♪
I'm so horny ♪
How I crave a human touch ♪
'Cause I'm so horny ♪
I never needed a friend so much ♪
I know somewhere
There's floods and famine ♪
Death, disease, and grim despair ♪
But honestly, how can I begin to care? ♪
-When I'm so horny ♪
-I need release ♪
I need some space ♪
Need to bump, need to grind
Need to suck some face ♪
Get me out of this hell ♪
Get me out of this cage ♪
I'm a pent-up
Sex-starved ball of rage ♪
I've gotta break out
Of these cursed walls ♪
I gotta blow some steam ♪
I gotta drain my balls ♪
I gotta blow this joint ♪
I gotta blow my load ♪
-Gonna snap ♪
-Gonna kill ♪
I'm gonna explode! ♪
I'm so fucking horny ♪
[all panting]
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh ♪
In my life ♪
Oh ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
There he is, Maury.
-He's even hotter than I remember.
-[Maury] Matthew.
Go to him. Lasso him with your dick
and pin him down with your tongue.
Get out. Look out. Ah!
Holy shit, I'm so fucking horny for you.
Oh, what I wouldn't give
to attack Bernie Sanders just like that.
Andrew, don't use the word "attack."
But I know what you mean.
I'm feeling kinda randy.
I guess it's because I'm, like,
becoming a big, studly man too.
Oh yeah, my man's got a hard
little piece of chalk in his panties.
You know what?
I'm gonna text Bernie right now.
"Dear Sugarpuss"
-I know. Pretty erotic, right?
Oh God. It's so hot
how smooth and clean your teeth are.
It's like kissing a dentist.
Oh yeah, we needed that.
We really did.
Wait. Maury, are you smoking?
Oh yeah, for hormone monsters,
smoking is
It's actually very good for the baby.
Ooh! Hey, Matthew.
Maybe after school,
we could go back to your place
and I could "shovel your driveway."
I don't know what that means,
but I want it.
Are you kidding? It's one thing
to come out to my devout family.
It's a whole other thing
to bring my boyfriend home.
Oh, come on, they already know you're gay.
Now it's time to rub their faces in it.
No. My mom and I
are finally talking again.
-I don't wanna rock the boat.
-All right.
Um, Jay, maybe we could find
a more private place to hook up.
Oh yeah, sure. Like an empty septic tank?
-Uh, less private than that.
-Oh, I got it.
My pants car has finally thawed out
from that snowbank.
I could lay you down on a bed of denim
and worship your body for free.
-That actually sounds pretty great.
-I know.
I bet you think it bothers me
that Jay picked Matthew over me.
Oh. Are you talking to us?
Sweetie, I'm talking to anybody
who will listen.
-Is that Andrew?
-Lola, what happened to your bangs?
Oh my God, thank you.
It's a new year, so it's a new me.
And while I was not asked to sing
in the opening number,
I, too, am as horny as my bangs are long.
Hey, Lola, we're twins.
I grew out my bangs too.
My nose bangs.
My lips are too shy to be nudie.
Missy, why do all the guys
at our school suck?
Yeah, this bakery
is fresh out of stud muffins.
You know who doesn't suck? Judd.
He's a man with a motor vehicle
and a license to kill that pussy.
As much as I would love
for him to murder my vagina,
it's never gonna happen.
He's too old for me.
Oh, Missy. Stud muffin,
hot out of the oven, four o'clock.
Oh yeah, he's cute.
Hey, Jessi, who's
that dirty little danish over there?
Him? I think he's just an extra.
See how he's just standing there
and, like, blinking occasionally?
He can't be an extra.
We're talking about him.
Yeah. What's his deal?
I bet he sleeps nude
in an RV on the beach,
with an ashtray in his bed
and an angry dog by his side.
What is that? Is that from something?
It's Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.
Oh, okay.
I only know him from his work
as a racist and an anti-Semite.
Well, he used to be an actor too.
We got too much mail today.
I'm sorry, Marty.
-[phone buzzes]
Maury, Bernie Sanders replied to my text.
She wants to Zoom.
Yeah, let's go upstairs
and Zoom-Zoom from your room-room.
Where do you think you're going,
you number one pervert?
Oh, I think
I left the light on in my room.
-Even though nobody's up there.
But that's fine, right? I should leave it.
What're you nuts?!
Turn it off before I stab you in the eye
with this fork.
Like taking candy from a baby.
Looks like it's just you and me.
I think I might have left the light on
in the garage.
You too? Go! Get outta here!
Like taking candy from a baby.
Everybody's stupid but me.
Mm. [chewing]
[in robotic voice]
Ultimate boner achieved.
Oh, this is the dream.
A horny robot boyfriend
with his own pants car.
Robo-Jay requires more tongue action.
Uh, is the car moving?
[in normal voice] Oh, sweet Matthew,
I think that's just my dick.
No, Jay. We're rolling
towards the edge of the cliff.
-Holy shit.
-Oh fuck!
-The brakes don't work.
-Neither do the doors. We're gonna die.
[Matthew] Oh God!
[in robotic voice]
Initiating life-saving mode.
[Matthew] No.
Holy shit. We're alive.
[Jay] Oh no! My pants car!
Matthew, your denim-stuffed
cum chariot is destroyed.
Shit, where are we gonna hook up now?
At least
my kerosene-soaked fireworks are okay.
Oh, come on!
I was saving those
for our one-month anniversary.
Oh man, she's connecting
to computer audio.
-Hey, Andrew.
I know it's only been a few weeks,
but I miss you so much.
Me too. I just wanna
sneak up behind you and attack you.
Yes, I feel the same way.
I can't stop thinking about the last time
we were together. We came so close to
Fondling each other's breasts?
Yeah, that's exactly what I was gonna say.
But, um, I don't know,
maybe we should try again right now?
What do you mean?
Like, you squeeze your boobs
and I squeeze mine?
Ooh, I like it.
Oh, that feels nice.
Well, I think it's horny time
Yeah, I think it's horny time ♪
Should we maybe take off our shirts?
Okay. This is gonna be over
in about 45 seconds.
Holy shit. I mean, yeah.
I'm gonna take off my shirt
so you can see my Jewish fucking torso.
-Yes, you Oh. Andrew?
-Oh, you like that?
-Excuse me?
Because this little whore
is just getting started, baby.
Andrew, what is happening?
Oh shit! Mom.
Just keep going.
We'll deal with the fallout later.
What's that nympho doing now?
Why is your shirt off?
Why are you on Zoom?
-It's the family account.
-That's it.
We can't trust you with your own penis.
Oh God. What does that mean?
Your pecker or your door?
One of them's getting removed.
-The door.
-The door.
-The goddamn door.
-The door?
Let's see if you like molesting yourself
with an audience.
Oh yeah, he quite enjoys that, yes.
Okay, careful. One more step.
-Uh, Jay, where are we?
-Nick's attic.
I know you wanted me to find
a new hookup place, and this is perfect.
It's dark. It's private,
and it stinks really good,
like the gym locker room.
-Jayzarian Rickflairian Bilzerian.
What are you doing here?
Well, the ghost of Duke Ellington,
this is my new boyfriend, Matthew.
Hey, Matt.
Turns out we can't hardcore french
each other's bods at either of our houses
'cause our families are germophobic.
I think what Jay means is "homophobic."
Oh no, my dad
actually considers me to be a virus.
[both laugh]
Uh, Jay, is he gonna be here
the whole time, or
No, I'm not some creep.
I'm gonna go watch Elliot and Diane fuck.
-[in singsong] Elliot weeps when he cums.
Well? What do you think?
Pretty great, huh?
Well, it's either this stinky attic
or your mom's Jesus-y house.
I can make this work.
What the fuck, Jay?
You hooked up at my house?
Oh yeah, baby.
I also watched you sleep
-in your little boy, bacon-and-egg PJs.
Andrew, you should use Nick's attic
to hook up with Bernie.
Your psycho dad won't be there
with his castrating screwdriver.
Ooh, Nick, what kind of Wi-Fi
do you have in your attic?
Do you think you have the bandwidth
to broadcast this fat ass?
No. I don't want anyone hooking up
in my house, especially if I'm not.
Missy, there he is. Little Mel Gibson.
Uh, I do think we should talk
about the nickname. Ooh.
-I'm sorry, uh
I'm Missy. And your name is?
Tell me now. Your name?
-Elijah. I just moved here from Virginia.
Virginia. That sounds like vagina,
-and vagina is for lovers.
Well, I gotta be somewhere.
-So see you around, Missy.
-[chuckles nervously] Okay.
He's so mysterious.
Where do you think he's going?
[chuckles] Probably to fix something
with his shirt off.
Like a motorcycle that he straddles
with his ample groin.
[Nick] It's just so gross.
My friends were using our attic
like a cheap motel.
Oh, Nicky.
Clearly, your peers recognize us
as a safe haven for sex positivity.
Ew. Don't call them my peers.
Ha, ha. You're pathetic.
Your friends are all
hooking up in your house
while your little dick rots on the bone.
Juddy, not everybody matures
at the same rate.
That's right. I didn't have my first kiss
until I was 24,
but then, it was straight to anal.
Okay, guys,
I'm gonna skip over the anal stuff
and just say I've kissed my fair share
of girls. It's just been a while.
Nick, I remember when I was your age,
Tim Pelegrin had the hookup house.
He frenched so many girls.
They had a PTA meeting about him.
Rick, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
That if your dick is rotting,
we should put the rest in a banana bread
before it goes bad?
No, that having the hookup house
could actually be pretty sweet.
[romantic music plays]
Great hookup house, Nick.
Do you want to three-way make out
with me and Devon?
Absolutely, sweetheart.
That's why we're here.
No, Nick, make out with me first.
No, Nick, we have called American dibs
on your small, strong body.
Ladies, ladies, there's enough
of my small, strong body for all of you.
Oh yeah,
that is exactly what's gonna happen.
Yeah, whose dick is rotting now?
Mine is, baby.
[announcement music plays]
Good morning, Bridgeton Middle.
Coming up later this hour,
we have an exclusive with a student
who saw Ms. Benitez at a laundromat.
But first, twist,
a word from our sponsors.
Are you a local child
looking for hot action?
Hot action.
But you live at home with your father
who wants to remove your penis?
Well, the attic of your fantasies awaits.
The Hookup House. Hookup House.
Dozens of dark corners
to get absolutely nasty.
Oh, nasty.
Cocking eyebrow.
Is this how Lola gets her groove back?
-The Hookup House.
-Hookup House.
Where the sex is infectious.
If you're not there,
you're a total fucking loser.
-[whispers] Loser.
Shh! Tell everyone.
-I am so there.
-Man, that attic looks lit.
I am a local child looking for hot action.
Hey, Elijah.
I just wanted to make sure you knew about
the hookup house, or whatever the fuck.
Yeah, I saw the commercial.
Is that the kind of stuff
you guys normally have
on your morning announcements?
Yeah, pretty standard.
I just really didn't want you
to feel excluded,
you know, because, uh, you're new in town.
Wow, that's really nice, Missy. Thank you.
Okay, he is totally going
to the hookup house.
[chuckles] Yeah, I hear it's insexious.
Get the fuck away from me, Andrew.
[sexy music plays]
[sighs] I don't know, Missy.
Come on, Jessi.
Everyone's there.
And it's the attic of our fantasies.
Also, Judd lives in that fuck palace.
Connie, stop.
He knows about the T-shirt
and that I have a crush on him.
It's all too humiliating.
-But it's a hookup house.
So Judd will have to hook up with you.
It's the rules.
Picture it in your tiny mind.
You're hot, but you're short.
I need you to stand
on my grandmother's dead skull
-so I can tongue your throat.
Oh God, Connie. I want that for me.
So let's go get it.
Okay, Missy. It's gonna be stupid,
but, like, I'd go, I guess, if you wanna.
Yeah, if you're forcing me to, I guess.
No, I'm not, like, forcing you,
but if you want, let's check it out.
-All right, I'm in, 'cause you are.
-Right, same. 'Cause you are.
Ladies, you both want some ass. Let's go.
Lemonade? Chapstick?
You might need it later.
Dentyne Ice? Anyone?
I know you're all pretty bad at flossing.
Mom, Dad, get outta here.
You're ruining the vibes.
Okay, love you.
Enjoy your hookup culture, everybody.
All right now,
children of the night, loosen up.
Lick your lips.
I don't know, Nick.
This party's nothing like the commercial.
Yeah, what gives?
I came here to do two things.
Eat some Pringles and get my body rocked.
And it looks like [chuckles]
we're out of Pringles.
It's not my fault nobody's hooking up.
Just fucking kiss each other.
I mean, loosen up, lick your lips.
Jay, why did you invite all these people
to our hookup spot?
Nick said I could keep the robe.
And the silk gives me what I've taken
to calling an "infinity boner."
Andrew, first off,
I love, love, love the robe.
But I thought we were gonna get freaky.
And there's all these weird people here,
and they're not even hooking up
or anything.
Maybe we should just call it.
Uh, quick. You're losing her.
Okay. Here we go.
Halloween costumes.
Hey, I'm Luke Skywalker.
Wanna be my sister, who I kiss?
Eh, not really.
Yeah, I'm more into cousins anyway.
Ugh, Rick, how am I supposed to hook up
if everyone's hiding in the corner?
Someone needs to make out
and change that vibe, baby.
Ooh, why don't you go flirt
with that sexy green girl?
You mean that old Christmas tree?
Hey, Greeny,
what do you say we go into that closet
and I'll show you my little lump of coal.
[phone rings]
-Diane, it's Barbara.
I can't find Andrew.
I'm assuming
he was taken by a creep to Europe,
but I wanted to check with you first.
Andrew's fine, Barbara.
He's here, at our hookup house.
-Hookup house?
Oh, the kids from school are all
making out together upstairs in the attic.
Andrew's at a soo-soo party?
What's a soo-soo party?
Unmitigated depravity. Cocaine.
Squirting. Necrophilia.
I'll call you back.
The boy's probably mounting
a corpse right now!
Where are we going?
-You've unleashed a monster on this town.
-Oh God.
And now, we must kill our son.
Can't we just cut off his hands?
-Hey, what can I say?
-[chuckles] Oh.
-[Missy] Oh God.
-Woof. This is very sad.
And Elijah isn't even here.
What a fucking clit tease.
Come on, Jessi.
Let's go hunting for Judd's dick.
Ooh, good call. Now, where would I be
if I were Judd's dick?
Oh, hello, Maurice.
Hello, Constance.
I see you're still fat with child.
I see you're still adamantly opposed
to being a sweet mommy.
That is correct.
Now, if you'll excuse us,
this party sucks.
Hot tip, Nick.
Next time you throw a sex party,
be sure to include the sex.
And the party, if I am being honest.
Yeah, I thought by 8:30,
I'd be tongue-deep
in someone else's throat.
Well, that's curious
because my throat has been searching
for a tongue all evening long.
Should I go for Lola?
Yeah, man, she seems down to brown.
And if I kiss her
then maybe it'll get the party started.
And then everyone will start kissing.
And then everyone will start kissing me.
And then, maybe
they'll hold a PTA meeting about you.
Yeah, that's the dream.
Okay, Bernie. This one you'll like
'cause I know you're a Richard Gere-head.
Yeah, uh, doy.
I wanna eat his silver hair.
So it's safe to assume you're familiar
with the film Pretty Woman?
-Whoa, mama.
-Jumping Julia Roberts.
That was Diane's Halloween costume
when you were six.
I wouldn't mind seeing your plumpy rumpy
in that hot little sex worker's uniform.
Maury, this is crazy, right?
I mean, and I don't know
if I have the body for this.
Come on, give the lady what she wants,
a pear-shaped boy
in a Lycra dress with cutouts.
[growls sexily]
Whew, okay. So I knock on Judd's door,
and then what?
You say,
"Sorry, I thought this was the kitchen."
"But while I'm here,
might I snack on that ass?"
Holy shit, Connie, my heart is racing.
Me too. I can't believe
we're about to eat ass for the first time.
Um, hello?
-Oh shit.
-[Judd] Cass, who is it?
-Some little girl.
-Are you okay, honey?
Do you know your mommy's phone number?
Connie, I'm gonna cry.
Oh, hey, Nick's friend, Jessi.
Oh my God, is this Klepto Baby?
Yeah. What do you need, kid?
I was just looking for, um for Nick.
So sorry. [chuckles]
I gotta go. What the fuck?
[Connie] Oh shit, Klepto Baby,
you're pissing your diaper.
I knew this was a bad idea, Connie.
Oh no. I made a brown bubble bath
in my dirty diapey doo-doo.
Nick, baby,
smooch down on that sexy sheepdog.
So, uh, Lola
Enough chit-chat, Birch.
Let's fucking suck face.
Devon, Lola's winning. Come here.
I guess everyone's doing it?
That salt and pepper tickles.
I'm going to sink my canines
into your fleshy arm.
So, should we get each other hard
on a pile of Nick's old baby clothes?
Ugh, sure. I guess I'll just close my eyes
and pretend we're not surrounded
by humping children.
Aw, Nick's baby shoes are adorable.
Too bad they're filled with rat turds.
Eh, fuck it, I'll take them anyway.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, look, it's the Gloubermans.
Out of the way, Dr. Sicko.
If our kids are making out,
it should be in secrecy and in shame.
Marty, wait.
It's all happening, Rick.
The hookup house,
it's just like the dream, kind of.
Oh shit, Lola. Are you crying under there?
I'm sorry, Nick.
I really wanted to french someone,
just not a big-head loser like you.
I'm sorry, what?
I wanted a rebound hookup,
but I could do so much better.
-You know that, right?
I need you to say it, Nick.
I could do better.
-Uh, you could do better?
-No, that feels hollow.
Goddamn soo-soo [grunts]
You open that door now.
I'm sorry,
but I can't let you go up there, Marty.
Please, just let us take our pervert
and go home.
That's it, Birch.
Your penis or your door?
I'm not sure what you're talking about,
but the answer is my penis.
That goddamn door is coming down.
-["Pretty Woman" playing]
-Okay, get your checkbook out, Mr. Gere,
because this pretty woman
needs some new clothes.
-All right. Where's my disgusting son?
-Oh my God.
Oh shit. My mommy and daddy are here.
That's it. I'm finishing the mohel's job.
Get your
Marty, no.
Run, you hot little cupcake.
-Oh, my baby.
-[Andrew grunting, groaning]
[Barbara] Oh, Andrew.
Is that my Pretty Woman costume?
Oh, sweetie,
you make a beautiful sex worker.
Thank you, Dr. Birch. [farts]
-Now, can we please go to your house?
-["Pretty Woman" continues]
Yes. Yes, we can.
Pretty woman ♪
Well, well, well, look who accepted
my follow request. Little Mel Gibson.
Let's see where that no-show fuck machine
was tonight.
Wait a minute.
-He was at church?
Wow, he's really religious.
Really fucking hot, baby.
He's forbidden fruit.
I know. I feel like Fleabag
going after the hot priest.
[both] Elijah! ♪
Okay. Before we go in,
you have a leaf in your hair.
And a feather. And a rock.
I know. A bird is building a nest there.
Don't worry, Matt, they're gonna love him,
unless they're still super Christian.
-Uh, hey, guys, you remember Jay?
Of course. The magic man, right?
Wow, Mr. and Mrs. Matthew,
your family looks like
a commercial for happiness.
Why, thank you, Jay.
You're such a sweet boy.
Actually, guys, Jay is more than a boy.
He's my
He's my boyfriend.
Oh. [chuckles]
Well, that's great. [chuckles]
I'm fine. [chuckles]
Okay. Take it easy, Kimberly.
I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing.
I guess I'm just so super fine
with everything.
Uh, Matthew, your mother and I
have been watching Will & Grace.
Kimberly, this reminds me
of when Will dated
that nice police officer.
Oh yeah, Will & Grace.
They're so funny. I love Karen.
-You're like a police officer, Jay.
Well, I promise to protect and serve
all of your son's holes.
Ice cream.
Hey, somebody want some ice cream?
I'll get some ice cream
for my son and his boyfriend. [laughs]
I'm fine. [laughs]
I personally think that went
about as well as it could have.
I think you're right.
You know, boys, I would kiss Taye Diggs.
Sir, I would watch that.
Oh, that was humiliating and a disaster,
but it still counts as a hookup,
right, Duke?
Nick, when are you gonna learn?
It's not the amount of people
you hook up with that makes you a man.
It's how much steak you can eat
In one sitting ♪
-Hey, Nick, bad news, man.
Turns out Greeny's a racist
and an anti-Semite.
I only knew her
from her previous work as a tree.
[phone buzzing]
-Oh, hey, Bernie.
-Hey, Andrew.
Did you see it when I fell down
a flight of stairs, farting all the way?
Yeah, someone held up the iPad
so I could see.
And I guess
now you want nothing to do with me?
Oh, please. If I had a dime
for every time I tumble-tooted,
I'd be able to cancel
everyone's student debt.
Andrew, this girl seems to like you
for who you really are.
I know. This is unprecedented.
Hey, Bernie, do you think maybe
you might wanna be my girlfriend?
Uh, do I fart
every time I pull up my socks?
God, I hope so.
I do, Andrew. Every time.
This is nice.
Ooh, ooh. The baby, it's jerking off.
Andrew, put your hand on my belly.
You know what? Never mind.
Oh, you finished, didn't you?
I guess we both need a cigarette now.
Welcome to my parents' house ♪
Welcome to my parents' house ♪
My mom left out some snackies ♪
I bet you're feeling horny now ♪
Bet you're feeling horny now ♪
So why don't we get nasty? ♪
Nasty, nasty, yeah ♪
Hush now, baby ♪
You seem like a keeper ♪
But your high heels are so loud ♪
My dad is a light sleeper ♪
Parents' house ♪
Parents' house ♪
Parents' house ♪
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