Big Mouth (2017) s06e08 Episode Script

Asexual Healing

[keypad clicking]
Oh, come on, answer.
Jesus. What's wrong with you?
I've been texting Bernie
non-stop all morning.
Oh, like a true psycho.
And she hasn't responded once
because she's hanging out
with her friend Alison.
Okay. So, what's the big deal?
Alison's a boy, Nick.
A boy named Alison
hanging out with a girl named Bernie.
Up is down, left is right. Soup is salad.
[Nick] Ooh, yeah, and Alison's hot.
Like, way hotter than you.
That gorgeous specimen
is probably wooing Bernie right now.
Oh! That's why she hasn't texted you back.
Oh God. You're right.
I'm gonna text her again.
911, FaceTime emergency, all caps.
Hey, I'm at the movies. What's wrong?
Hey, Andrew.
I've heard so much about you, man.
Fuck you, Alison.
We will cave in your fucking face!
Oh shit, my Red Hots.
Dear God, Andrew. His ass is magnificent.
-Hold my hand while I weep.
-What? No.
Andrew, do something! Say something!
Distract Bernie from that ass!
Uh, I love you.
Okay. Was that the emergency?
Yep, that was it.
Now you gotta say it back.
Yes. And say it
in front of Alison's perfect pooper.
Okay. I love you. I gotta go.
Oh fuck.
That was not a convincing "I love you."
She said it like the Pledge of Allegiance.
Andrew, you must take action.
You don't want to end up like your dad,
losing the only woman
who will ever love you.
-You're right. I'm gonna go to Vermont.
-What? Really?
I'm gonna surprise Bernie
and make sure
that she doesn't fall in love
with that gorgeous piece of ass.
Andrew, you are being crazy.
Crazy with love.
And jealousy.
And rage. Rage. Fucking rage!
Boys, let's go block a cock.
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
Oh gosh, Elijah,
I am so nervous to meet your family.
Relax. It's just a cookout.
And they're gonna love you.
Missy, even I'm nervous.
Everyone here is Black.
We have to be cool.
Do you think there's gonna be
vegan options at this cookout?
-I said cool.
[kids laughing]
-Oh shit.
Okay, those are my uncles.
Do not say the word "backflip" around them
because they'll start flipping
-and then somebody's gonna get hurt.
-Got it. No BFing.
So, uh, this your little girlfriend?
Uh, yeah. Everyone, this is Missy.
And she is my regular-sized girlfriend.
-Fuck yeah. He made it official.
-[woman] Hey, Elijah.
If she's good enough to be your girl,
then she's good enough
to be my spades partner.
-That's my Auntie Amber.
She's rich and cool,
and she hates everybody.
That's my kind of woman.
Now, come over here, sweetheart.
Let's win some money off my sad cousin.
-Oh, okay.
-Good luck.
Hey, Elijah.
What have you and your girlfriend
been up to?
Well, we've been to two restaurants
and three movies.
No, we mean physically.
-Y'all doing hand stuff, mouth stuff?
-Foot stuff?
We hold hands all the time.
-That doesn't count for anything.
-You need to at least be kissing the girl.
Or sucking her toes.
'Cause if you don't satisfy your woman,
somebody else will.
I know that's right.
Hey. Don't listen to these fools, Elijah.
They're all single.
And from what I hear,
none of them can do a backflip
to save their lives.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You hold on now.
You take that back.
I will do a backflip right now.
Shit. My ACL.
Oh shit.
Oh, are you following me?
Does that mean I'm getting my own story?
And if you're getting
your own story, buddy,
that means you're gonna need
your hormone monsters.
-Oh, hey, guys.
-Gil, can you believe it?
We're on Big Mouth. What an institution.
Yeah. What do you think, Elijah, huh?
-You wanna jerk off onto the grill?
-What? Why?
Because it's Big Mouth.
These people are sick.
[knocking on door]
-Hi. You must be the plumber.
-[chuckles] That's right, little lady.
Is the man of the house home?
Uh, there are no men in this house.
Oh, okay, ladies.
Uh, how can I explain this?
I'm like a doctor for your sink.
You don't have to use a metaphor.
We know what a plumber is.
Wow, for such a cute little girl,
you're kind of a bossy
little pain in the ass.
Am I right, lonely mom?
[chuckles] Just fix the damn sink.
[scoffs] Can you believe this sexist pig?
Yeah. We know how to fix a sink.
Well, no. Technically, we don't.
I'd be lost.
But he shouldn't just assume that
because we're women.
Well, of course, sexism sucks,
but it's really all a part
of this whole crazy obsession
you humans have with gender roles.
-Well, before one of you is even born,
it's all, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
With the pink blankies
and the blue blankies.
Oh, and what about
those stupid little headbands
they put on their babies to say,
"Don't worry.
She's bald, but she's still a girl."
You know, I never really thought about it
that way before.
That gender puts you in a box,
and you spend your whole life
trying to claw your way out
until you end up
in a literal box under the ground.
-Knock, knock. Dr. Sink Doctor.
There's something wrong with my toilet,
but I can't tell what it is
because I'm in a skirt.
Say no more, sweetheart.
And that, Jessi, hmm,
that's how you get
your shitter fixed sweetie.
Bernie Sanders, here we come.
Oh, I can't wait
to see the look on her face
when you show up
unannounced and uninvited.
Hey, guys, do you mind?
I'm listening to a fascinating podcast
from the makers of Serial.
It's about cum in the 1960s.
Look at us sitting here.
I don't know why train travel
gets such a bad rap.
It's really quite elegant.
[farts] Ow.
Hey, kid. Where are your adults?
Um, they should be joining me any moment.
Okay, I'll be watching.
-[phone rings]
-Oh, hello, Bernie.
Hey. Where are you?
Don't ruin the romantic surprise.
I'm at home.
-Tickets, please. Take out your tickets.
-[Bernie] Who's that?
Oh, it's my dad.
He's, uh, selling tickets for lunch now.
So, how was
your cinematic rendezvous with Alison?
It was fine.
-Fine like platonic?
-Of course. Why are you being so weird?
Well, I mean, honestly,
Alison's the one who's weird.
Sketchy, really. Shady. I don't think
you should be hanging out with him.
You're doing so well.
Alison is not sketchy. He's my friend.
I also think Alison sounds sketchy.
See? The creepy guy gets it.
Guys, please.
Ira Glass is talking right now
about how Lady Bird Johnson
was actually a squirter.
[Ira] Act three. Things are getting wet
in the White House.
Holy shit!
Uh, I gotta go.
-My house is tipping over.
-Oh no!
I can't hear my podcast.
Okay, guys, I really like Missy.
Sure. She's a top-shelf lady.
I just wish I was more excited
to make out with her
or do some of that feet stuff
like my uncle said.
I always thought once you met
the right person, you'd get, you know
-Yeah, with the dick and the uh, uh, uh.
I don't really think
I feel a lot of the uh, uh, uh, like ever.
Well, then, let's get some blood pumping
into those big fat genitals, huh?
I mean, that's our job, right?
To get your nuts all fat?
Focus. Focus. Focus. Here we go.
Okay, let's see what giggles your pickle.
How about this lady having
from-behind relations on a motorcycle?
-Whoa. That's a bit much.
-Yeah, 2 Fast 2 Furious, right?
How about this photo
of the Kravitz family?
Zoe, Lisa, Lenny.
Jason Momoa?
-Mm, nah.
-No J-Mo?
-You sure?
-I like girls.
All right, what about this lady
in a Donald Duck suit?
Huh, you a furry?
You want some "suffering succotash"?
First of all, "suffering succotash"
is Sylvester the Cat.
Oh, so you want a cat.
No, I don't want any animals.
I got it. I got it. Halle Berry.
Oh, my uncles are always talking
about how fine she is.
Well, what do you think?
What do you think of Ms. Berry?
You horned up, E-man?
Actually, I'm just really proud of her.
I mean, she probably worked really hard
to get in such good shape.
But you're not feeling the uh, uh, uh?
Guys, no offense.
I just think we might need
some outside help.
Like a real expert in horniness.
-Condoleezza Rice?
-Pete Rose?
Snoopy when he's wearing sunglasses?
No. Someone even hornier.
Hornier than Snoopy.
[scoffs] Okay.
[announcer] Welcome back to Boy Fight.
B-B-B-Boy Fight.
Where two boys fight in a parking lot
over whose Barbie doll this isn't.
It's not mine.
-I only play with guns and barbed wire.
You see, humans and gender.
It's a real shit show.
So, on that, do hormone monsters,
like, do it differently or
Of course.
In hormone monster culture,
we raise the fruits of our jizz
gender-neutral until puberty
and then they get to pick
their own gender identity.
It's all explained right here
in my favorite book,
So, You're Becoming a Fuck Monster?
-Oh, cool.
Now let's get up inside these pages.
Take my hand and come along ♪
Through the magic of a song ♪
To a wondrous
Gender-neutral Shangri-la ♪
-Play with fire trucks or dolls ♪
Rub a dildo twixt your balls ♪
We've no gender-labeled playthings ♪
From nursery to boudoir ♪
Macho man or genderqueer
Show your anger, shed a tear ♪
Every feeling plays an elemental part ♪
In the nurturing of a soul ♪
Free of judgment or control ♪
Till you grow into the you
That's in your heart ♪
This place is amazing.
Gender is performance ♪
We play it as we choose ♪
In a universe
More vast than Mars and Venus ♪
It's a dazzling color spectrum ♪
So much more than pinks and blues ♪
And more beautiful
Than simply vag or penis ♪
From the high-femme CEO ♪
To the transmasc frathouse bro ♪
We've embraced
A gender menu à la carte ♪
Every he and she and they ♪
-With equal pride ♪
-And equal pay ♪
Can live happily
As the gender in their heart ♪
Flourish as the you
That's in your heart ♪
Montel, wow.
-You really
-Sing even better than my mama?
Hey, both of you shut the fuck up.
I do not like this dynamic.
Sorry about that train oopsie, folks.
But we will be getting you to Vermont
in just 18 short hours.
-Thank you.
-Ah. Ah.
Oh, Bernie. I'm so glad
we're becoming more than just friends.
Ugh, me too. Andrew never had a chance.
He lives so far away,
and your beautiful ass is so close.
No. Bernie, don't. I'm coming.
Oh shit, Andrew. Look down.
-You're running on Alison's fantastic ass.
Oh God, it's so supple.
Ah! Oh God. I really gotta poop.
[chuckles nervously] But, Andrew,
you can't seriously be considering
taking a shit on a Greyhound bus, right?
We've done a lot of disgusting things
over the last several years,
but I don't know
if I can be a part of this.
I can't very well hold it in
until we get to Vermont.
-No! [grunts]
This is my own fault
for holding in that poop when I was 13.
See? I'm not ending up like her.
It's time for Andrew Glouberman
to shit on a Greyhound bus.
Hey, kid. Have a great doodie.
I know that I'm new here
and we don't know each other very well,
but I've come to pay my respect
and to seek your advice.
I've heard tell
of your legendary horniness,
the potting soil, the pillows, the turkey.
Turkeys. Plural.
I've fucked many. And one even fucked me.
Jesus Christ.
This guy is hornier than Snoopy.
How do you do it, man?
How do you get so horny?
Oh, I don't get horny. Horny gets me.
You know, with the dick
and the uh, uh, uh.
Yes. The uh, uh, uh.
That's what I'm looking for.
What does that feel like?
I guess it's kind of like
there are butterflies in my stomach.
Butterflies? That sounds sweet.
But they're all doing full penetration.
Fuck me
until I turn back into a caterpillar.
Oh yeah. Fill my thorax.
Oh, treat me like a fucking moth. [grunts]
And then it tingles
in all the right places,
if you know what I mean.
-I don't.
My dick, balls,
nipples, hands, and forehead.
But we've got butterflies too,
right, Elijah?
I mean, I have butterflies,
but they haven't really
started penetrating each other yet.
It's so exciting to be Missy's boyfriend.
I love her braces.
We should take her on a vegan picnic.
I gotta say, your butterflies seem lovely.
But I want them to be more like yours.
I mean, Missy and I are official now,
and if I don't kiss her, I might lose her.
-And I really like her. And
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, that's the problem.
You're thinking way too much.
And thinking is the enemy of horniness.
Don't think. Ugh!
I can't believe we didn't think of that.
Just kiss her, man.
And I guarantee you,
your butterflies will start
fucking the shit out of each other.
Okay. I won't think.
I'm just gonna kiss my girlfriend.
Thank you, Jay. You really
are the Godfather of horniness.
I know.
Just when I thought my dick was out,
they keep shoving it back in.
Okay, easy-breezy, tushy squeezy.
And we're done.
Huh, that's different.
The blue water. It's rising.
-Oh shit.
-Stomp it down.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
please guide Andrew's foot
and send his waste back down to hell.
Oh! Oh, okay.
Oh, the toilet's got my shoe.
[brakes squeal]
[passengers clamoring]
[woman] Oh God!
What kind of sick fuck shits on a bus?
[Andrew] Oh, I don't know.
I mean, if we ever do find out who did it,
we should probably
show them some mercy, right?
Oh, we all know it was you, kid.
Fuck you. I quit.
Well, that's the driver.
All right. Shit. What do we do now?
Andrew, I hate to say it,
but it might be time
to cut our losses and go home.
And let Alison steal the love of his life?
Never. We'll just hitch a ride.
Yeah, hitchhiking.
The safest way
for a young boy to travel alone.
Hey, guys, I'm back.
Whoa. Are you painting my room pink?
Actually, it's called bubblegum nostalgia.
It matches this dope ballerina lamp
that I got for the baby.
And this headband I got,
you know, in case she's bald.
You guys, they got the headband.
What do I do?
This is your chance.
You can save that baby
from the clutches of Big Gender.
Yeah, be the change you wanna see
in your dad's shitty apartment.
Hey, guys. I've been giving it a think,
and just wondering
if maybe you should raise the baby,
you know, gender-neutral.
Whoa, that's a great idea.
What does that idea mean?
Well, we wouldn't assign them a gender.
We'd get them
gender-neutral clothes and toys.
We'd use gender-neutral pronouns.
So, she would wear the headband
like a belt or
No, more like
they wouldn't wear the headband at all
because it's oppressive.
Yeah, but hold on. We're gonna raise
our daughter to be a strong woman.
-Oh yeah. We're raising a strong woman.
-Just like you, Jessi.
No, you should raise a strong person.
Right. Right, right.
Strong person is better.
Okay. Look. If one day
she realizes that she's not a girl,
I will totally accept that.
But until then,
we're raising her as a girl.
Yes. Yes.
We gotta let the girl person decide.
Pro-choice, Jessi.
But why force
all this gendered bullshit onto a baby?
Girls can't fix sinks.
Boys aren't allowed to cry. It all sucks.
No, actually, what sucks is you storming
into this bubblegum nostalgia room
and making me feel bad
for wanting a little girl.
Just say baby.
Ugh, leave me alone.
I'm too young to be a stepmom. [weeps]
All right, this is how change happens.
One crying pregnant lady at a time.
Aw, fuck me.
-[horn blares]
You guys are not gonna believe this,
but I gotta take a dump again.
Jesus. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Someone's stopping.
Oh, finally, a kind soul.
Hey, kid, hop in.
It's wetter than
Lady Bird Johnson's pussy out there.
Andrew, as much as I appreciate
this man's taste in podcasts,
we can't get in the car with him, right?
Oh, quiet yourself, Maury.
He's practically a friend by now.
And if he was gonna kill me,
he would have done it
after I shit the bus.
See? Hitchhiking's not so bad.
Uh, Maury,
why are you sitting in a car seat?
Oh, you know,
I actually was wondering the same thing.
-This is weird.
-Hey, Mario.
Quick question. How come your rental car
has a toddler's car seat?
And why are the cup holders
full of Honey Nut Cheerios?
Busted. I carjacked a family.
-And my name's not really Mario.
That's just what they called me
at the facility
because I tried to escape
through the pipes with my friend, Luigi.
-[siren blares]
-Oh God. It's the cops.
Oh fuck. I can't go back to the facility.
-Sir, are you aware your taillight's out?
-Fuck you, copper!
I'll kill you!
Holy shit!
Kid. Grab his gun.
Do it, Andrew. You'll feel so powerful.
No, run. Run for your life.
And take the Cheerios.
Ah! Oh fuck, my glasses.
Andrew, kill this police officer. Please.
Uh, no, thank you.
But thanks for the ride.
So, that cookout was really fun.
Yeah. It was great.
Uh, my favorite part
was probably when you called me
your regular-sized girlfriend.
Eyebrows, eyebrows.
Okay, Elijah, I think that's our cue.
Just do it. Don't even think about it.
Here. Watch. Muah.
Okay. Well, watch this.
And then, once I kiss her like that,
I'll get horny?
[chuckles] It's working for me.
-Hey, Missy.
Permission to consensually kiss you?
Yes. Say yes, baby. Suck his fucking face.
Um, fudge yeah.
Hump me good, bug daddy.
Hump me good.
Absolutely cocoon me.
I needed this.
Now, make up for the lost time
and stick your finger up his ass.
How's it going in there, buddy?
Are your butterflies going uh, uh, uh?
This is nice.
Do you, um Do you wanna fuck me?
No, uh-uh, but thank you for asking.
Ooh, wowie-zowie. That was incredible.
What happened, guys?
My butterflies didn't even
wanna do hand stuff with each other.
-Uh, should I kiss Joe again?
-Couldn't hurt.
What's wrong with me?
Oh God. I wanted this for so long. Mm.
I feel like I've been walking forever.
I am also tired from the walking.
Not me. The hours flew by.
This podcast is riveting.
Did you know Muhammad Ali's
birth name was Cassius Cum?
[Ira] Of course, this name change
came years before Ali's legendary
fight against George Foreman,
The Rumble in the Bunghole.
Andrew? Hi. What are you doing here?
I'm here to surprise
and delight you, my dear. [groans]
Oh boy. Are you okay?
-Hey, Andrew. Nice to see you, man.
Whoa! What happened to you?
Isn't this lovely?
Alison's here.
And of course, yeah.
-He brought his world-famous ass.
-Hold on.
Did you come all the way to Vermont
just because you're jealous of Alison?
Yeah, of course that's why I came.
He likes you. He wants you.
He craves your body, I think.
No, he doesn't.
Alison, please tell him
you don't like me like that.
Actually, I don't think I would have had
the courage to say this
if Andrew hadn't come here
and forced my hand,
but I do like you like that.
-Oh no.
I think you're a beautiful person
inside and out.
You are the most unique
and special human I have ever known.
Oh my God. Alison.
Shit, that's beautiful.
I think I'm falling in love with Alison.
Andrew, punch him in the face
like Cassius Cum.
Okay. I'll try.
Fuck, I missed.
Andrew. What are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just don't wanna be like my dad
and lose the love of my life.
You're the most unique
and special human I've ever known.
Oh, Andrew. That's Alison's line.
That's That's okay.
Do you want me to help you up,
and you can maybe try to punch me again?
[sniffles] Yeah, please.
No. Nobody's punching anyone.
Because the whole thing today
impressed you a lot,
and even though Alison's beautiful
and he likes you,
you don't like him
and you're about to tell him?
Oh, Andrew,
that's not what's gonna happen.
[sobs] I figured.
I figured.
-Hey, Caitlin.
I'm so sorry. You can totally
call the baby "her" if you want.
I won't be mad.
Oh, boo. Compromise
is for the weak and the married.
But if it's okay with you,
I would like
to call the baby "them" instead of her.
You can call the baby whatever you want.
-I'm gonna call the baby fuck stick.
And I'm sorry that we painted your room
bubblegum nostalgia
without talking to you.
That's like ugh.
What do you think about
lemon drop daydream instead?
-Is that yellow?
-Yeah, it's it's just yellow.
That sounds great.
A yellow room? That's it?
I thought we were abolishing gender today.
Oh, sweetie, humans change slowly.
You gotta give 'em time.
But I thought
you said they'd all be dead in ten years.
Shh! Baby, they don't know that yet.
Guys, what am I gonna do?
Yeah, that kiss confirmed it.
You have zero horn in your tank.
Hmm, I'm so confused.
Elijah, I was hoping to see you
before I left.
Why don't you come walk Aunt Amber
to the car, baby?
Okay, Auntie.
Are you all right? And be honest now,
'cause I already know the answer.
I think there might be
something wrong with me.
Everyone else at school is so horny,
and I don't even wanna,
like, kiss my girlfriend.
Well, maybe you're just not ready.
Or maybe you're like me.
A fabulous rich lady
who's too good for the rest of her family?
Well, yes.
But also, you see, when I was younger,
everyone told me
that when I found the "right person,"
it would click.
-So, I was a true ho.
I tried everything. Being straight, bi,
very gay, demisexual, pansexual
Whew! You're like Dennis Rodman.
But after all that,
I found that asexual is what works for me.
Asexual. You guys know what that is?
Oh, it's when someone feels little
to no sexual attraction for other people.
Kinda like you.
Oh! Joe, he's asexual.
We probably should have known that.
Well, life comes at you fast.
You can't beat yourself up.
So there's nothing wrong with me?
Maybe I'm just asexual?
If that's what you feel right now,
then that's what you are right now.
Yeah, but, Auntie Amber, I don't wanna
have to break up with my girlfriend.
You don't have to.
Being asexual doesn't mean
you have to be alone.
I love so many people,
and so many people love me.
I just don't wanna pork 'em.
And you have so much disposable income.
[chuckles] I sure do.
My life is absolutely better
than all your uncles'.
And, baby, this is how you do a backflip.
You know what? That didn't look so hard.
[grunts] Ow!
Ooh, my ACL!
Fuck. Ah! My clavicle. My nose, Joe.
-It's all broken. It's all broken.
-Oh, and, buddy, your ass is bleeding.
No, that's something else.
I cut it while I was shaving. Fuck!
Thanks for sitting with me
while I wait for my mom.
No problem, Andrew.
What are you gonna do
after I get picked up?
You two gonna fool around?
-Yeah. We're really gonna go at it.
Andrew, what were you thinking?
You could have been killed.
Oh, Mommy.
I was in a train crash,
and I ruined the whole Greyhound bus
with my dookie.
And then there was a shootout.
And now Bernie likes that beautiful boy.
And it's all my fault.
Oh, sweetie. It's okay.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
Is that what's gonna happen
with you and Dad?
I don't know.
But let's go home and get you cleaned up.
Does this mean Andrew's mom
is finally coming home?
I don't know, man. I wasn't listening.
They just dropped a bonus episode
about Buzz Aldrin cumming on the moon.
[Ira] And some people say
that on a clear night,
if you look up in the sky,
you can still see Buzz Aldrin's semen
orbiting this big blue marble
we call home.
The butterflies ♪
Are passive aggressive ♪
And put their problems on the shelf ♪
But they're beautiful ♪
And he'll realize ♪
The only thing that's real
Are the kids that kid themselves ♪
And the demise of the beautiful ♪
What is beautiful? ♪
The multi-life is better
Than the one we're in ♪
The one we knew ♪
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