Big Mouth (2017) s06e10 Episode Script

F**ked Up Friday

I wish my dad
could stop being such an asshole.
I wish I had my parents back.
I wish my dad loved me
the way he loves that stupid baby.
I wish I was irresistible.
I wish I wasn't me.
[chimes tinkle]
[Marty] What?
Wait a minute.
What am I doing on the couch?
And why do my nuts feel so heavy?
Oh, Jesus, no!
Oh my God! I look like my dad.
And I sound like him too.
Holy shit. Andrew?
Maury, I'm my dad.
Oh no. Oh me. Oh my.
How did this happen?
I don't know.
But if you're in your dad's body,
then then who's in yours?
Why the hell is my penis so short and fat?
Dad? Is that you?
-Dad, you're me.
Nuh-uh. You're me.
What's going on?
Oh, baby Jesus and all my infant gods.
They've Freaky Friday'd.
Freaky, my ass.
This is a fucked-up Friday.
This is your fault.
Who me? Me me, or you me?
You me. It's you me's fault.
-You big little pervert.
[phone ringing]
[Andrew as Marty]
Mrs. Birch, I need to talk to Nick.
No. I mean, yes.
Yeah. I mean
Would you just put Nick on, please?
Nick, Andrew's dad
is on the phone for you.
Mr. Glouberman?
Oh, Sorry, Grandpa MacGregor,
I needed to talk to Nick.
This is Nick.
Wait. Why is my voice so weird?
And why do I feel my skeleton?
Aw, shit.
Nick, it happened to you too.
-[Nick as Seamus] What happened?
-This is Andrew.
I woke up in my dad's body.
What? What are you talking about?
Just go look in the mirror.
Ah! My face. My body.
Oh, shit, Nick.
You turned into a California Raisin.
I'm my fucking grandpa.
Oh God. Do you think
this has happened to anyone else?
[Jessi] Where am I? Why can't I move?
-[baby cries]
-[Jessi] I can't speak. What's going on?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's okay, Delilah.
Mommy and Daddy are here, sweet boo-boo.
-[Jessi] What?
-Holy shit, Jessi.
You're the baby, baby.
[Jessi] Oh fuck. So is the baby me?
Oh my God, Jessi. [gasps]
Did your mom hide her tranquilizers
in your Children's Tylenol bottle?
Um, been there.
Genuine LOL.
You are hilarious
when you're tranqued out.
[Jay] Yes. My wish came true.
I'm not me. I'm Coach Steve.
Yay, I'm Coach Steve too.
-[Jay] Wait a minute, what?
-I'm sorry.
Was I supposed to leave
when you came into my body?
I didn't understand the assignment.
[Jay] Oh shit, we're brain buddies.
Do we both control your body?
How does it work?
Oh, look, look. I got the right side.
And I've got The Blind Side on DVD
if you wanna, you know, hang out.
[Jay] Uh, yeah,
as long as I'm not stupid shitty-ass me.
But hold on, then. Where is you?
[Jay] Who cares?
I ran into the woods and passed out.
Fuck my old body.
All right.
Holy shit, Missy.
You're Nathan fucking Fillion.
Oh my gosh.
I'm stuck
in his gorgeous mountain of a body.
You sure are.
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God, what do I do?
Quick. Feel your own buttocks.
Mona, this is serious.
-But so is this can, eyebrows, eyebrows.
-[knock on door]
Uh, Mr. Fillion,
they're ready for you on set.
Be there in a minute,
because I'm Canadian beefcake
Nathan Fillion,
not a terrified teenage girl
touching my own butt. [chuckles]
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
Oh, Dad, what are we gonna tell Mom?
Nothing. We have to keep this a secret.
Andrew, your salami and eggs
are getting ice cold.
Come down for breakfast.
Okay, Mom.
Ugh, Marty, why are you calling me Mom?
What this idiot means is
I'll be right down,
because I'm your disgusting
pervert son. Let's go.
Ugh, don't talk like your father, Andrew.
One Marty is more than I want.
Dad, what do we do?
I can't go to school like this.
No shit, you tall moron.
Until we figure out how to fix this,
you go to my job, and I go to your school.
What? Why?
'Cause that's what they do
in these movies!
Oh, what the hell, Nicky?
Are you drinking a beer?
Bugger off, princess.
I'm not your pansy son.
Excuse me?
I don't like the way
your grandfather is rubbing off on you.
Now brush your fucking teeth
and get to school.
-Wait! No, don't do that.
-Stay out of this.
But I'm not Grandpa. I'm your son.
Shut up, both of you.
I don't like this joke.
Fuck you, woman.
Get your bloody hands off me.
-Hey, Dad.
When I get home tonight,
I'm gonna twist those nipples so hard,
you're gonna look like
a breast-feeding street dog.
-But I'm not
Hard Daddy out.
Oh, okay. I think I get it now, man.
Okay, so you're Nick, and I'm Nick,
and everybody's Nick.
And this is Nick at Nite on Roku.
[bell rings]
-Uh, Mr. Glouberman?
I'm stuck in this little perv's body.
Who the hell are you?
It's Nick. Have you seen me?
What do you mean, me? You're you.
Why is everybody stupid today?
It's a classic body swap.
For you see, I'm not a young girl.
I'm, in fact, TV's Nathan Fillion
trapped in a young girl's budding body.
That's disgusting.
Thank you. I know all about body swaps
from a pilot I did for NBC
called Oopsie Daddy.
Okay, so how do we swap back?
Well, we each need to learn
a life lesson to
Learn a lesson?!
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard,
and I went to Drew Carey's Ted Talk.
Hey, Missy, can we talk for a sec?
Oh, I'm sorry, young man.
I'm off to learn
something critical about myself.
Enjoy your schooling and watch The Rookie,
Sundays on ABC, at 10/9 Central.
Oh, thank God, Jessi.
Do you know where Jay is?
I haven't seen him
since I shattered his self-esteem
and he ran into the woods.
-Oh my God.
Oh, please. Grow up, Matthew.
It's perfectly normal
to absolutely obliterate your pants
when you're geeked up on tranqs.
This one, that one.
-This one, that one. That one.
-[Jay] Whoa, Steve. We're doing it.
Oof-magoof, walking's hard.
Well, Coach Steve seems normal,
but everybody else is acting very strange.
Come on, lady,
where do you hide your booze? Cough it up.
Grandpa, listen, we need
to learn some stupid lesson
so we can switch back to our own bodies.
-Fuck you. My old body's shite.
-Wait, no!
I'm gonna go find a goddamn bar
that'll serve a child.
-[baby crying]
-[Jessi groans]
Dad, help. I'm trapped in the baby's body.
Oh, does my little chunky monkey
want a little tubby wubby?
[Jessi] No, no, no. No, thank you.
No daddy washy assy.
[Jessi] Oh God, this is so embarrassing.
-Here we go.
-[Jessi] Wait.
-I don't want
-[Greg] And bloop.
[Jessi] Oh, this actually feels nice.
How's the water, kiddo?
[Jessi] Uh
Yeah, get that warm water
all up in your neck rolls.
Baby, do you like that?
Yes, yes, yes ♪
-[Jessi] Connie, I could get used to this.
There ain't no bubble bath
like a baby bubble bath, baby.
[Andrew] Guys, I've been looking around
for 20 minutes.
I still have no idea what my dad's job is.
Why does he have
dog food cans all over his desk?
And a machete in his filing cabinet?
-What? A machete?
-[knock on door]
Good morning, Marty.
Oh, my dad's associate, Susan.
I mean, my associate, Susan.
I mean, Susan.
Wow, the Susan.
This is such an honor.
I've seen you
in all of Andrew's jerk-off fantasies.
I'd say my personal favorite is
"Andrew Gets Fucked at the Beach."
Are you ready for the presentation?
The presentation.
Of course, yes. Of course, yes.
Yes, let me just get my
my dog food together?
Quick, Andrew. Masturbate to Susan
with your father's dick.
-Absolutely not.
Oh, you think he should fuck Susan
with his dad's dick,
-because I'd love that.
His parents' marriage
is already in shambles.
[gasps] Wait a minute.
Maybe we could use your father's body
to woo your mother back
with a romantic gesture
like we learned about in therapy.
No, Flanny's right.
This is my chance
to get my parents back together.
-[Susan] Marty?
They're in the conference room waiting.
I'm so sorry, Susan,
but I have to go home and woo my mom.
I mean, my wife.
Quick, before we go,
beg Susan to fuck you,
just like in "Andrew Begs to Get Fucked."
Another personal favorite.
And action.
Morning, chief.
Uh, what are we looking at?
Bad news, Nolan.
Kid was found sliced ear to ear
with a bread knife
and this rusty bike horn
shoved up his ass.
-[horn honks]
-Hmm, Still works.
I'm sorry, I don't
I don't think I can do this.
Uh, no, Nathan.
Your line is, "I can do this forever.
I love being a cop."
I am so sorry.
Violence makes me barf.
And I can't even pretend
to hold a gun. So
Nathan, where are you going?
One adult, please.
To Bridgeton Middle School.
[whistle blows]
[Jay] Come on. Tell them, Steve.
The little boy inside me
wants you to run laps
with your butts hanging out.
[Amazing Paul] Ha, ha!
We are the Sorcerers of the Square Table.
Whoa, cool. Adult men.
[Jay] No, not cool. These guys are losers.
We are looking for the schoolchild
known as Jay Bilzerian.
He's the only magician skilled enough
to help us bring back
The Magnificent Gary.
Who is trapped in The Bread Bowl Realm.
Jay, you gotta go do magic
so that guy doesn't become cheese.
[Jay] No! I'm not a magician anymore.
Matthew was right. Being Jay sucked.
Don't you dare talk about my best friend
and body roommate like that.
[Jay] I'll say whatever I want
about my shitty self.
Not while you're sitting
at a little table in my tummy.
[Jay] It's my tummy too.
Ow! My restaurant.
[rock music plays]
Yeah, that's it. Give her a good scrub.
Ooh, yeah,
swing those big old balls for Mommy.
Oh, they're so much heavier
when they're wet.
Marty? What are you doing?
Nothing. Just washing your car.
You know, like I used to do.
You haven't done something like this
in years.
And look, you still have
your spicy little shorts.
Yeah, and they're chock-full of nuts.
Maury, I'm going to hell.
What the hell is that depraved sicko
doing with my body?
Shut up.
Barbara doesn't look like she hates you.
So now that I've wooed you,
can we be married again?
Excuse me?
You know, like you said in family therapy.
I fixed everything.
What? No.
Washing my car once doesn't fix anything.
What do you want me to do?
Clean the microwave? I'll do it nude.
Ugh! You've clearly learned nothing.
Great job, schmendrick. You blew it.
-Wait. Uh, Mom.
And stop calling me Mom.
Yeah, what are you, Mike Pence?
Mm, Connie, I feel like a little mummy.
Oh, yeah, all swaddled up
like a baby burrito.
[Jessi] Ow!
All of a sudden, my stomach is killing me.
-Oh, you probably got that baby gas.
You still don't know how to use
that brand new butthole.
Okay, Greg, what's going on?
[Jessi] I have gas, Dad.
It feels like I swallowed
a square bowling ball.
[Greg] I don't know.
Maybe she's hungry again?
Uh, okay, all right.
I'm gonna try feeding her.
Yuh-oh, Stepmom titty, incoming.
[Jessi] No,
I don't want your boob in my mouth.
Uh, she's not latching.
Jam it in there.
Don't give her the option.
[Jessi] Get that away from me.
Fucking burp me.
We will also accept a fart.
And so Jay is now my body brother,
but he didn't wanna come here
because he's not a musician anymore.
[Jay] Uh, no, Steve. I didn't wanna come
because magic sucks rock-hard shit.
Hey, oh. Stop hitting myself.
Oh, yes,
I've seen sorcery like this before.
And if Jay's really in there,
then we have the quartet of magicians
we need to rescue The Magnificent Gary.
-[Jay] Fuck no. I'm not doing magic.
-Hey. Come on, Jay.
Everyone, make the sign of the Bread Bowl
and repeat after me, Arenap.
Arenap. Arenap.
Saran wrap.
No, Arenap, as in Panera backwards.
Oh, of course.
-Kit Kat.
-Say it correctly or it won't work.
Help me say it, Jay.
[Jay] Fuck them and fuck you!
I got glass in my doody oven. Awesome.
Oh, thank God, you're home.
I need your help.
Oh, what now, Seamus?
I'm not Seamus, Mom. I'm Nick.
I swapped bodies with Grandpa.
Oh, great. Now he's got
fucking dementia too.
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,
please, it's really me.
Okay, "Nicky," prove it.
When's my birthday?
I have no idea.
I forget every year,
but Dad buys you a present from me
and makes you a thoughtful card
that I sign without reading.
Oh, my boy. It really is you.
Oh, this is awful.
My son is trapped
in my father-in-law's body.
My husband's acting
like a different person.
Wait. Maybe that's why
I swapped bodies with Grandpa.
So I could help Dad
become Soft Daddy again.
What do you mean?
Well, Nathan Fillion said I need
to learn a lesson to swap bodies back.
Sure, okay
Maybe I'm supposed to show Dad
the love that Grandpa never could.
Hey, hey, Rick. What'd I miss?
I don't know, man.
I never understand these season finales.
They always gotta do something cuckoo,
and I don't get it.
Monica, I didn't think anything
could be as gorgeous as your eyes,
but your ancient grain focaccia
is coming awfully close.
You know, it almost feels like
you're flirting with me, Missy.
[chuckles] And would that be a problem?
-[doorbell rings]
-[chuckles] Oh.
Mom. I mean [clears throat]
May I speak with your daughter, madam?
Nathan Fillion?
I know this sounds totally bonkers,
but your daughter and I
are linked supernaturally.
-Don't worry,
you hot mom
who doesn't know how hot she is.
I'll handle this.
So, how's my body
been treating you, Missy?
Did you feel my buttocks?
Oh God. I'm so sorry, Mr. Fillion.
I couldn't resist.
No, no, I get it.
I miss those meat mountains myself.
-Uh, Missy?
Uh, who's the white dude
with the high butt,
and why does he know my name?
Wait, you don't know
who Nathan Fillion is?
Go ask your mother, young man.
I guarantee she knows.
[chuckles] Okay. But, Missy,
can we actually talk privately?
-It's kind of important.
-Oh, God, Mona.
-Do you think Elijah's here to dump me?
-Of course he is,
'cause he finds you
so physically repulsive.
Well, if it's personal in nature,
I think Nathan
should stick around for this.
Yes. I should I should probably stay.
Uh, dang. There's no way
I could've prepared for this.
You really screwed up
with that car-wash nonsense.
Me? You screwed up with Mom
every day for the past 20 years.
I mean, do you really even care
about her anymore?
Of course I care about her, you idiot.
I love her, and I admire her.
You don't know what you'd do without her.
Exactly. She's my whole life.
You gotta tell her that, Dad.
I can't tell her that.
What if I do,
and she still doesn't want me?
Then I'm nothing.
Andrew, if your father can't tell
your mother how he really feels,
then maybe you can.
You mean, use his body?
To fuck Susan.
Finally. We're all on the same page.
Ooh, I'll get a scrunchie
to tie back your father's balls.
Ow! Oh!
I'm sorry I bashed your skull through
a bakery display, Steve,
but I'm not a magician anymore.
-Well, then, who are you?
-Uh, I'm Jay.
No, the Jay I know is a sweet boy
who loves magic.
But maybe you're not that Jay anymore.
[gasps] Maybe you're Jay Leno?
What? I'm not Jay Leno.
Then who are you?
Okay, Steve, I get what you're doing.
What am I doing?
Help me. I don't know who I am.
You want me to go help the sorcerers
do magic and bring back Gary.
No, I just want you
to bring back my friend Jay.
You mean, like, the Jay who loves magic
and running naked in the woods?
Yeah, the Jay who's my bestest buddy.
I miss that guy.
I think I miss that guy too.
Because I am a magician, Steve.
It's in my bones.
Especially my dick bone.
You mean our dick bone.
Now let's go save Gary
from the Bread Bowl Realm!
All right. Leno's back, baby. Team Coco!
All right, old man.
Ready for Hard Daddy
to pop those Snapple caps?
Actually, son, I thought maybe instead of
brutalizing each other's nipples today,
-we might, uh caress them?
-Caress them?
Because it's okay for men to be tender
with each other, right, Seamus?
You're always telling me that.
I mean, telling Nick that.
Well, okay.
I guess I could
gently squeeze my father's grapes
before I rip them off the vine.
You know, Elliot, I've always acted
like your softness was weakness,
but now I'm beginning to understand
your vulnerability is actually strength.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
You were right all along,
and I'm sorry I never said it before, but
I love you, Elliot Birch.
Oh my God.
I've been waiting so long
to hear you say that.
And this is exactly
how I pictured it happening.
Except we're not sitting face-to-face
on the same horse.
Missy, it's kind of weird to talk to you
about this in front of him.
Well, anything you can say to me, Missy,
you can say to Nathan Fillion,
a world-class actor,
wealthy enough
to hire his own penis cleaner,
but humble enough to do it himself.
Yeah, Elijah,
we both really care about you.
Okay, sir.
[chuckles] Okay.
Here it goes. [exhales]
I love hanging out with you, Missy.
I really love holding hands with you too,
but I think that might be it for me.
Like physically.
Because you don't think I'm pretty?
Please, sir. This is hard enough.
Could you stop talking to me?
I think what Nathan means
is you don't think I'm pretty.
No, no, it's not that at all.
It I I think you're beautiful.
It's just
I'm asexual.
Oh, so it's not about me.
None of this is about you!
But, Missy [sighs]
I really like being with you.
And I hope me being asexual
doesn't mean we have to break up.
Well, I'd love to respond to you,
of course
But I think it might be better if I did.
What the fuck, man?
[knock on door]
What do you want from me now, Marty?
I don't want anything from you, Barbara.
I'd actually like to offer you something.
-An apology.
I've been stubborn and selfish.
And nasty, and loud, and cheap, and
And I'm sorry.
-You see, I felt
-I felt threatened
that you wanted more
after all these years, because
I thought that
I might not be enough for you anymore.
And even though I think
synagogue is a waste of time
-and God's a total asshole
-God's a total asshole.
-Sorry, sorry.
The truth is, I admire you for growing
And being your own woman.
How come you never said this before?
'Cause I'm a rotten guy?
No, you idiot. Because I was scared.
Right. It's because
I didn't wanna seem weak.
But the only thing that matters now
is that you know how much I love you.
Oh, Marty, I love you too.
Good work, schmendrick.
Marty, your apology
got me all hot and bothered.
Oh God, it did?
-[Andrew] Wait, no.
And you're still wearing
those spicy little shorts. [grunts]
-But not for long.
Oh Shit. Oh, Maury, what do I do?
Um, I think
you might have to fuck your mom.
What? Oh no.
No, Flanny, tell him he's crazy.
Andrew, I'm afraid Maury might be correct.
Oh shit!
-Here I come, big boy.
[chanting] Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.
What in the sweet fucking hell
are you fairies doing?
Stop tickling each other's teats
and act like men.
Don't listen to him.
Choose love, Elliot.
Because that's what real men do.
[magicians chanting] Arenap.
Oh, God, Mona. What should I tell Elijah?
Well, he likes you
and thinks you're beautiful.
Yeah, I guess he does.
But he doesn't want
to french your brains out.
Are you okay with that?
Oh, Maury. Is this actually gonna happen?
Just go with it.
Remember, you've been in there before.
Here, Andrew, bite down on this.
Real men aren't lovey-dovey pansies.
You're all pathetic.
Oh, Nicky. I've been setting
such a bad example.
I was only acting like Hard Daddy
to get my father's love.
You were?
Yes. But the truth is,
the only way to get love is to give love.
And, Nicky, your Soft Daddy
loves you very much.
I love you too.
Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.
Nathan, what do you think I would say?
-[groans] I feel so helpless, Greg.
We don't know what you want.
[Jessi] I wanna burp! I wanna fart!
Andrew, wait. Have you thought
about where you're gonna finish?
-Have mercy, Maury.
Hey, I'm just trying to do my goddamn job.
-[chanting] Arenap.
-Holy bread bowli.
[Jay] It's working.
I think you'd say
Elijah, I accept you for who you are
and very much
want to remain your girlfriend,
if you'll have me have her.
Missy, who is not me.
Is that true, Missy?
Yes, I want to be your girlfriend.
[magicians chanting]
Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.
We're doing it!
Hug him back, you little old drunk.
Oh, for fuck's sake. All right.
[magicians] Arenap.
[both grunting]
[chanting] Arenap.
What's everyone up to this weekend?
[Jessi] Connie,
I don't wanna be a baby anymore.
But won't you miss
those baby bubble baths?
[Jessi] I wanna give myself my own baths.
Yeah, with a showerhead.
[Jessi] I want my old life back.
[magicians chanting] Arenap. Arenap.
Oh, gross. Why do babies
suck on their own feet?
Because, honestly, once you get older,
it's just, like, hard to find the time.
My pervert son is about to schtup my wife.
What do I do? What do I do?
Do I go in there?
I love you, Marty.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Whoa!
Oh, I'm back.
Oh, me too.
Andrew, are you spying on us?
No, no, I was just just listening.
I told you he was disgusting, Barbara.
Relax, pervert, I'll take it from here.
He's back!
Is this heaven?
Better. It's a Panera.
Oh, that was crazy, huh, Jay?
Mr. Leno?
Knock, knock, you still in there?
-[groans] Oh.
Hey, guys. Sick bones. [chuckles]
Wait. I'm a wolf too. See?
Pillow-fucking magician wolf!
Oh, it's so good
to be back in my own body.
Speak for yourself.
Someone get me some booze
to dull the pain.
I'm as dry as a bone.
-Well, I, for one, am not dry.
What do you say we go upstairs
and make Soft Daddy hard again?
Two words, carry me.
Oh, no, Nicorice.
Your mom's trying to fuck you.
What? No, I was never even
in my dad's body, you fucking idiot.
So you think your mom
is trying to fuck me?
[chuckles] Cowabunga, baby.
-Shh, shh, shh!
-Dad, Caitlin, the baby has gas.
Oh, of course, because she's a baby.
-[burps and farts]
-There you go, you little fart factory.
That feels better, right?
Delilah is really lucky
to have you as a big sister.
Mama, do you think
you'll ever want another baby?
Oh, sweetie.
It was a real struggle to even want you.
Before you go, Mr. Fillion,
I just want to say I am sorry
for putting you through all of this.
Oh, no need, Missy.
This was the role of a lifetime.
Good luck, you two. Taxi.
One adult, please. To the set of
The Rookie.
-[Barbara] Oh, Marty.
-[Marty] Oh, yeah.
Barbara, you haven't been
this damp in years.
It's like a cellar down here.
Maury, do you think
That you pre-gamed your mom for your dad?
Yes. Yes, I do.
I'm very proud of you, Andrew.
You know what? I'm very proud of myself.
-[Barbara] Oh, Marty.
-[Marty] Cowabunga!
Body, ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
Ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
Body crazy, curvy, wavy
Big tittles, little waist ♪
Body crazy, curvy, wavy
Big tittles, little waist ♪
Body, ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
Ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
Look how I bodied that
Ate it up and gave it back ♪
Yeah, you look good
But they still wanna know where Megan at ♪
Saucy like a barbecue
But you won't get your baby back ♪
See me in that dress
And he feel like he almost tasted that ♪
Num, num, num, num, eat it up
Foreplay, okay, three, two, one ♪
You know I'm the hottest
You ain't gotta heat me up ♪
I'm present when I'm absent
Speaking when I'm not there ♪
All 'em bitches scary cats
I call 'em Carole Baskins, ah! ♪
Body, ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
-Ah ♪
-Ooh ♪
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
Muah ♪
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