Big Mouth (2017) s07e09 Episode Script

Panic! at the Mall

[whimsical music playing]
- [Caleb] New pens.
- Check.
- College-ruled notebooks.
- Check.
- [Caleb] Updated name tag.
- [Pete] Check.
Non-sexual lubricant for the handle.
Non-sexual check.
A boy and his logic rock
preparing for the first day of school.
What could be more perfect?
Aah, no! My backpack! My backpack!
Well, if you, uh, line it up properly,
it should slide back in.
I'm doing that, Pete!
Oh shoot, did your backpack break?
What does it look like, Mama?
Well, okay, we can handle this.
Maybe it's time to get a new one?
A new backpack?
But it's your security object!
Has she gone insane?!
No, no! I need this backpack!
Yeah, o-okay, hold on, folks.
Your mom has the right idea.
We can, uh, get the exact same model
and everything.
Okay, Mama, I will get a new backpack.
That's great. We'll go to the mall
after your weekly coffee hang
with Matthew.
You're going to the mall?
But it's so loud and bright in there!
And there are often too many people.
Well, what's the best way
to prepare for such a situation?
Stress diarrhea?
No, a plan.
That's right. Now, walk me through it,
Ocean's Eleven style.
[Caleb] We park
on the south side of the mall,
staying far away
from Desiree's Bright Lamp,
Perfume, and Speaker Emporium.
[Pete] Avoiding sensory overload. Classic.
[Caleb] The walk will take
approximately six minutes.
Hey-o! Just enough time for a quick detour
through Veronica's Closet.
Not now, Maury.
We can think about that at 8:30 p.m.
That is when I masturbate.
[Pete] Then we enter
Dick's Sporting Goods.
[Caleb] Mama will purchase
the Sportalite Roadster Extreme,
model 118,
and then we will celebrate
at Wetzel's Pretzels.
- Yay.
- Gotta love a plan.
Okay, I feel prepared.
Hey, if you're getting a new backpack,
does that mean
we can finally fuck the old one?
8:30, Maury.
That's not a no.
["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
I'm goin' through changes ♪
I'm goin' through changes ♪
Oh ♪
In my life ♪
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
[songs fades]
Oh, it's gonna be so great.
One last classic sleepover with the boys
before we start high school.
We may be going to different schools,
but I've still got those cameras
in your house,
so I'll always know what you're doing.
- Still don't love that.
- [doorbell rings]
[sobbing] I'm sorry, boys,
but seeing you both here,
maybe for the last time ever,
I'm overcome with emotion.
Andrew, I can't do
a whole weekend of this.
I mean, I want to be strong
for you, Nick, I do,
but I can't escape the thought
of Pumbaa murdering me on Monday.
Oh, sweet Andy, just promise me this:
when you get to heaven,
you drop a nice big load for G-dash-D.
Okay, gentlemen,
in light of my certain demise,
I have some personal effects
to bequeath unto you.
Ugh. Okay, on a scale of one to cum,
how gross is the stuff in that box?
It's not gross. It's filled
with my most prized possessions.
- To Jay, I leave my digital watch
- Nice.
which works 100 feet underwater.
This'll be perfect
when I go porta-potty diving.
And sweet Nick,
I want you to have
my Jacob deGrom bobblehead,
where he is dressed as a Jedi
for some reason.
Okay, this was a free giveaway,
and I went to this game with you.
[sobs] I know,
and this one might be yours.
There's just so many memories.
I'm not ready to say adieu.
[sobbing] I'm gonna miss you so much.
You've always been such an innovator
in the pervert sector.
I know, I just
- I think up these fucking hot scenarios.
- [both sob]
- Thanks for the ride, guys.
- Of course, Jessi.
I love that you two independent women
are going
back-to-school shopping together.
Oh boy. It's taking all of my strength
to keep myself from crying
all over this corduroy vest.
Ugh! Let's get away
from Big Sad Boohoo Daddy
before someone cool sees you.
Give him a break, Mona.
This is the first time
I've gone back-to-school shopping
without my parents.
It's true. Time is flying by,
and you'll never be a child again!
Yeah. Think about it, Mona.
I'm about to start freaking high school.
And high school is no joke,
like password sharing.
- It's really not a victimless crime.
- Uh, Missy, you coming?
Yes, uh, I suppose I am stepping
through the gauntlet into adulthood.
Mm, it's actually just a sad mall
with an empty Sears.
And an indoor play space
where kids give each other Monkeypox.
And then, my mom and I will celebrate
with Wetzel's Pretzels.
- That sounds like a solid plan, Caleb.
- Thank you.
According to Best Friendships for Dummies,
you should ask Matthew about his life now.
Have you done
your back-to-school shopping yet?
Ugh, no.
I need to give B-High Quee-Choi
a glorious and very "Quee"
second impression,
but I haven't figured out
how to zhuzh things up.
You are anxious
because they look capital-F fabulous,
and you look like
that middle-aged coffee shop manager.
Ugh, I really do need a new look.
Ooh-hoo, can I interest you
in this vintage '70s cowboy number?
Somebody died in it.
That outfit is both ugly and impractical.
Oh, I thought you only wanted
to deal with me at 8:30.
You know, Caleb,
your brutal honesty is exactly what I need
to put together my new high school look.
Would you come shopping with me
after this?
Mama, can I go back-to-school shopping
with Matthew after this?
Okay, Mister Independent.
Maybe you could even buy your backpack
while you're there?
- Uh
- Warning! That's not the plan!
That's not the plan.
Well, what if we made a minor deviation,
like we've been working on?
Minor deviations lead to major deviations,
which lead to disaster!
But it says here that unplanned hangouts
are the number three cause
of best friendships.
I accept this minor deviation.
Matthew, I will help you look more gay.
Mm, I didn't quite mean that.
- Oh please, it's exactly what you meant.
- You know what, Maury? Shut up.
[Missy] I like this jumpsuit,
but would I have to get fully nude
to use the facilities?
But that's the whole appeal.
You haven't lived
until you've shat naked in a public loo.
Yeah! You'd feel that splash on your back.
That's how you know
you got that good plop.
Oh shit. It's fucking Lulu.
Quick! Hide like a coward!
[yelps] What the heck, man?
Dude, Lulu's here.
That troubled teen
who squirted you with chocolate sauce?
Yeah, she fucking sucks.
B-t-dubs, high school's filled with Lulus.
Big scary kids in a big scary school.
Leave her alone, Tito.
High school's gonna be a sexy adventure.
We're gonna do nude number twos.
I wonder what she's doing in there.
Probably shoplifting.
Or doing heroin off a dick. I don't know.
High school kids are all so intimidating.
Or creeps
just trying to score some snatch!
- And to be clear, that's bad?
- Yes! I'm not ready for this.
Jessi, what the fudge
are we even doing here?
We're buying outfits for hell!
- I guess.
- You guess?
I mean, yeah, the world sucks.
There's no God, and the universe
is a cruel and unforgiving place.
- It's nothing to freak out about.
- Wrong!
Very wrong!
Yeah, I'm not freaking out at all.
I'm just gonna lock myself
in this dressing room
and not grind my teeth into dust.
You know what else
turns your teeth into dust? Meth.
Which I bet Lulu
is also doing in that dressing room.
She got a problem, Jessi.
J. Crew, The Gap, American Eagle.
These are all so basic.
The mall is where you go
when you want to look like everyone else.
- Ugh, what was I thinking?
- We have arrived!
Oh, Dick's. That reminds me of
No, Maury, too easy.
No, I was gonna say
it reminds me of my dad.
He used to bring me here
before he passed away very suddenly.
I never got a chance to say goodbye.
Oh my God, Maury. I'm so sorry.
I'm just kidding.
I was gonna say
it reminds me of cock and balls.
- Woo!
- [grunts]
Ha! Swish!
I can't believe I'm gonna die
before I learn how to dunk.
You were very close. It's tragic.
Andrew, can we get real about this?
You're not gonna die.
Yeah, you're just gonna get
the shit kicked out of you
every day for a whole year.
No, no, you gotta help me.
My bones are too Jewish for that.
All you gotta do is learn
how to take an ass-kicking,
- and thanks to my brothers, I'm an expert.
- I don't know.
The trick is to mentally remove yourself
from your body.
- It's called a "trauma schism."
- What?
See, I have this secret cave in my mind
where I go during a beatdown.
Wow, that's really sad.
No, it's not! It's normal, and it rules!
My mind cave has central AC,
and I get to play UNO
with my friend, Squishy.
Haha! Oh shit. Draw four, Squishy.
Okay, I'm with Squishy now, Andrew.
Hit me.
- Oh, I really don't wanna do that.
- Fuck it, I'll do it. [grunts]
[laughing] Oh, yeah! See? I felt nothing.
- Whoa.
- Holy shit. It actually works?
[laughs] I'm telling you,
all you've gotta do
is just create
your own personal happy place
right up here.
And it already exists, Andrew.
That place we've always dreamed of.
A washing machine filled with underthings
at a SUNY Binghamton sorority house.
Oh [laughs]
Ladies, whose bra is this?
It's hand-wash only. Tsk, tsk.
- Ah
- Yeah, looks like he's in his perv cave.
[laughs] Okay. Here we go.
- [grunts]
- [groaning]
- Oh shit.
- Oh, it didn't work!
- Oof.
- It didn't work. It didn't work.
You know, besides the fact
that Matthew is here instead of your mom,
everything is going exactly as planned.
Goddamn, it feels good to be me right now.
- Oh look, there's your backpack!
- Oh.
Yellow, right?
Wait, this isn't my backpack.
Are you sure? It looks the same.
Yes, I'm sure.
There's too much polyester in the blend.
This texture is unpleasant.
- So coarse!
- [Caleb] The zipper has the wrong sound!
It's hideous!
They got rid of the individual
writing implement pockets.
- No, no.
- What were they thinking?
This bag is chaos.
Where is my backpack?!
Okay, don't worry.
Uh, excuse me? Hi.
Could you check the back
for older models of this bag?
It has to be Sportalite Roadster Extreme,
item model number 118.
Yeah, what you see on the floor
is what we got.
- [whimpers]
- Oh God, Caleb.
You're gonna go to high school
with no security object.
- You'll never survive.
- This is officially
[all]a major deviation!
- Not sure if this helps
- Yeah?
but there is a sturdy Division One
volleyball player doing knee slides.
- I am in crisis.
- She's taller than your dad.
Okay, let's regroup.
Um, we can get our Wetzel's Pretzels now,
and figure out a different way
to get your backpack,
like the Internet or something.
Uh, yeah, yeah, the Internet.
They have everything.
- Hate speech!
- Drawings of naked Shrek!
- [Titos] Ah!
- Okay.
We will eat unearned pretzels
while avoiding hate speech.
Well, that sounds fun.
Okay, Lulu's been in there
for, like, a very long time.
Mm, she probably passed out from the meth.
Oh shit, here she comes.
Is she wearing an apron and a pussy hat?
[gasps] That's not a pussy.
That's a pile of beef.
[laughs] Lulu must work
at the Hot Stone Beefery.
That's the shittiest job
in the whole mall!
Even worse than the lady
who gives birth to the Dippin' Dots.
Missy, get dressed.
We've gotta go to the food court.
[Missy] You should probably go without me
'cause I'm doing s-so fine in here.
Okay, I'm going to the Hot Stone Beefery,
not for lunch, for revenge.
So wait, Jessi's just gonna leave me here?
- She's abandoning you!
- Just like Elijah.
He was supposed to be my life raft.
And now you're gonna drown
in a sea of loneliness!
Get the Get
Get the fuck out of here, Titos.
No. She's the only one
telling me the truth about high school.
That's right!
- You'll be lonely.
- Uh, h-hello, I'm Missy.
Would it be cool if I sat here?
[all roaring] No!
- [grunts]
- [Tito] You'll be terrified.
Please! Please watch your step!
There are freshmen down here! [screams]
[Tito] And you'll be sexually targeted!
I love flat girls.
[Missy screams]
What if the cafeteria only takes Bitcoin?
What if your English teacher
asks you to read his novel?
What if you have to poop
during an active shooter drill?
I don't wanna poop
while hiding under a desk.
Missy, none of this
is actually going to happen.
You're just spiraling!
The SATs!
Parallel parking!
College applications!
The end of your youth!
[sinister voice] It's all coming.
- Oh shit, Missy! It's happening.
- What's happening?
Your anxiety is turning into
- Leave her alone, Dread!
- [laughing]
She sucks, but I like her!
You know I can't do that, Mona.
No! I won't let you take her!
- [screaming] Oh shit!
- Mona!
[Mona screams]
- It's just you and me now, Missy.
- [whimpering]
You and me.
I cannot find my backpack
And it's not on either.
The strategic backpack reserve
is depleted.
[Maury] Look at Ocean's cool jacket.
This is what you should do
instead of you, you know, your bullshit.
Ugh, they look so good.
See, Caleb?
This is the kind of outfit I need.
- It's bold, it's fierce, it's cunt, it's
- My backpack!
That does look like your backpack, uh,
but I'm sorry, their outfit is "cunt"?
Matthew, when and where
was that photo taken?
Uh, a few days ago
at a thrift store called
Nothing Past 1998.
It's only three blocks away.
Let's go there now.
Really? You're okay leaving the mall?
For my backpack,
I would ride a crowded public bus
for one and a half hours
with no headphones.
Wow, Caleb's so determined,
it's giving me big "yaaas cunt."
Is that Did I do it?
That is, did I do cunt right?
- Sure did, babe.
- Yes! Cunt.
- Welcome to Hot Stone Beefery. I'm Lulu.
- [boys laughing]
How can I beef you today?
[Connie laughs]
Look at Lulu work that meat.
[boy laughs]
Ooh, yes. She just got a tip.
That means she gotta do the song!
Sing, canary.
- Ooh!
- Oh yeah!
Before you fill your mouth
With your hot beef treat ♪
Thank you for letting me
Handle your meat ♪
I think she wants to sing it again.
- [boy] Let's go, Beef Queen.
- This is actually not fun.
Because she's a human with feelings?
Hey, what's your fucking problem?
[laughs] Oh, shit, you pissed off
the beef wench's daughter.
- She's just trying to do her job.
- Whatever. Jobs are lame.
[boys laughing]
Hey, Lulu.
Oh, fuck me.
You're that "funny girl"
I drenched in chocolate sauce.
- You're still alive?
- Yeah, I'm alive.
And you're welcome, by the way,
for what I just did.
I don't need some loser bitch
feeling bad for me.
Feel bad for yourself,
- with your big greasy bangs.
- [Jessi scoffs]
Uh, what did I do wrong here?
- Maybe it's your conditioner?
- [clattering]
Jessi! Uh, shopping's over,
shopping's done.
- I need to go home.
- Wait, really? Is everything okay?
Missy, I'm coming for you.
I'm fine. I-I just, uh
I saw I saw blood in my stool.
Oh fuck. That sounds bad.
Run, Missy. Run for your life!
I gotta go!
Oh God, they're so cold.
Good load today.
Oh man, I don't know about this, Nick.
Come on, you tried
Jay's stupid mind cave thing.
It's not stupid, it's Bilzerian culture!
My people come from caves.
Can't you idiots fucking read?
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
We know you would prefer us
to fuck off and/or die,
but I have a business proposition for you.
I'm listening.
I would love for you
to beat up my bully, Pumbaa,
and in exchange,
I can offer you a jar of change
worth approximately 15 American dollars.
- No.
- Ah! Okay, sir.
Have a marvelous day, or a terrible one,
if your sir-ness would prefer.
Your plan sucks.
Pumbaa will just kick your ass
when I'm not there.
[screams] What am I supposed to do, Judd?
I'm supposed to stand up to this animal?
I'm supposed to get mauled
by this pit bull?
Well, when a pit bull
clamps its jaws down on you,
what do you do?
Um, die?
Wrong. You stick your finger up its ass.
So, wait, I should stick my finger
up Pumbaa's asshole?
- That's a metaphor, right?
- Oh no, it's real.
We do it whenever Luda
catches a neighbor's kid.
- Wait, what?
- The trick is to not fall in love.
Okay, I'm just gonna go on record here,
Andy. I'm team finger.
No one thought you weren't.
[panting] All right, okay.
Thank God I'm home.
- [ominous music playing]
- [screams]
No, leave me alone!
What do you want from me?
- You must accept that you are doomed!
- I-I am?
You are too sweet for this world,
too fragile for high school.
No, I I love school.
- You'll never survive there.
- It's a privilege to learn.
And I'm lucky to be
in a well-funded school district.
[laughs] Hang on, did I just hear
someone being grateful up in here?
- Gratitoad?
- Oh shit. This toad.
Oh my gosh! I am so glad to see you!
Aw, shucks. Well, that fills my bucket.
Do you honestly believe
that a Gratitoad can defeat Dread?
I don't know. Does my meemaw make
the best darn rhubarb pie
you've ever tasted?
I What? I don't think
I ever met your meemaw.
Well then, sir, you're missing out,
because she is a delight.
[snarls] This fucking frog.
Yes! My backpack!
No! No!
That's not a backpack at all,
that's just an ugly yellow jacket!
Ugh. I'm sorry, Caleb.
I totally understand
if you're not down to help me anymore.
- Uh
- You are very not down!
Well, h-hold on.
Uh, according
to Best Friendships for Dummies,
uh, best friends are always down.
I have decided to be down.
Okay, great, because I've already
picked out six potential outfits.
So this one is cottagecore
meets gutterslut.
- [shallow breathing]
- You're feeling overwhelmed,
so let's try your calming exercises.
- Three things you can hear.
- Her period is ice cream.
I don't get
what's so confusing about that.
How can you hear anything
over those unbelievably loud girls?!
Too loud!
No, the dots are her babies.
It hurts!
- What? No.
- Three things you can see.
But it's way too bright.
It's like being stabbed in the eyes
with needles!
Caleb, three things you can touch!
Shut up!
We're throwing logic out the window!
Well, how do I look?
Does this scream orgy in a barn?
Say something. Anything!
Caleb, the book says
best friends are honest with each other.
- You look bad!
- Ouch.
Oh shit, uh,
unless it's gonna hurt their feelings.
[screams] What have you done?
Matthew hates you now. This is a disaster!
Caleb, are are you
No, I am not okay!
[Connie] Mmm.
I'm sorry, how can you eat
those Dippin' Dots
after seeing how they're made?
- It's a good load today.
- Oh, fuck me.
Quick, Jessi, wash your hair!
Oh look, it's my hero.
Are you here to ruin my break too?
I'm really sorry I pissed you off, okay?
- I was just trying to be nice.
- [scoffs] Why?
Uh, I don't know, because those guys
were fucking assholes?
Yeah, there's a lot of assholes out there,
and there's nothing you can do
to change them.
I know. [sighs]
Because there's no God, and the universe
is a cruel and unforgiving place.
I completely agree.
- You do?
- With Jessi?
Yeah, that's why I get high.
And does that, like, help or
For a little bit.
Oh my God.
Connie, should I fucking get high
with a fucking bad girl?
Yeah, might as well. There's nothing else
that's really worked for you.
[Jessi] Okay.
Very smooth.
I love the feel of drugs in my lungs.
- [coughs]
- All right then, funny girl.
Wanna see my stepdad's dead body?
Oh God. [coughs] No.
[laughs] Th-That's a no for me.
Thank you, though.
- [laughs] I'm just fucking with you.
- Oh.
[laughs] Funny.
Dustin's the best.
He treats my bitch mom like a queen.
[both laugh]
Holy shit.
Did we just become friends with Lulu?
I think so.
You know what that means free beef!
- [shallow breathing]
- All right. Now three things you can see.
Mailbox, car, stop sign.
Great. Now three things you can
Maury, 8:30!
What? Fucking is very relaxing.
You never see someone
having a panic attack in a porno.
[Caleb panting]
Caleb, uh, should I
- Yes, please. This is helpful.
- Hm.
You're pretty fucked up
about this backpack, huh?
They don't make it anymore!
I know, and that sucks.
But do you trust me enough
to help you make a whole new plan?
Unit One, Chapter One.
Trust is the foundation
of a best friendship.
I do trust you,
but I-I do not want to go back inside.
It's too bright and loud.
All right. Maybe I could work on that.
Okay, so I found panic attack porn,
and I like it,
but maybe just because it's, like, new?
[Andrew groans]
Guys, I-I-I don't know
about this whole finger in the ass thing.
I mean, how would I even
get through the pants?
Uh, you just slip your finger
down the back and fishhook it. Duh.
Yeah. Duh.
Hey-hey! Why don't you practice on me?
I'll attack you, you know,
so it feels real?
Judd was fucking with you.
He's an agent of chaos.
And if you try this,
Pumbaa might actually kill you.
Andrew, I'm gonna be honest.
I don't think you have any other choice.
Nick, it's the only option.
If I wanna survive high school,
I must learn to stick my finger
into a bully's asshole.
Whoo! Let's do this!
- [Andrew groaning]
- [Jay grunting]
I will fucking kill you.
Oh my God, Jay, stop!
- Andrew, the time is now!
- [Andrew groaning]
Do it. Fulfill your destiny.
[Jay grunting]
Whoa! Ho-ho-ho!
Wow. [laughs]
Even though I knew it was coming,
I couldn't help but stop attacking you.
Plus, it feels incredible.
Oh good, okay. I need soap.
You know what, Andrew?
You and Pumbaa could end up,
like, really good friends.
Okay. Now, I got them to lower the lights,
and I gave those loud teens
20 bucks to fuck off.
- Does this work?
- The store is now handleable for me.
[clears throat] Uh, um
- Thank you, Matthew.
- Of course.
Okay, walk me through what you liked most
about your old backpack.
The wheels, right?
No. In order of importance,
it was the texture of the outer fabric
- Mm-hmm.
- its organizational qualities,
and that people noticed it.
Oh, you like being noticed?
Yes, but don't tell anyone.
You got it. Mmm
- How's this one?
- No, the material is too coarse.
Ooh, this one's cute.
I would still like to have
some sex appeal.
Oh, of course. Um
Okay, this is kind of a big swing,
and you might totally hate it,
but pretty cool, right?
- [ethereal music playing]
- [wolf whistles] Hello, gorgeous.
I am interested.
[Pete] Dividers, enough room
for your laptop and books?
[gasps] A dozen
writing implement holsters?
I look like a man.
A man who's ready
to kill it at high school.
Oh but I still look like
the saddest drag queen in Montana.
- You do.
- Damn.
But I am losing the jacket
because it clashes with your pants,
I'm cuffing your pants
because you have good ankles,
and this shirt pattern will slay, cunt.
Caleb, are you a fashion genius?
Oh God, oh God.
All right, Missy.
Now let's tell this grumpy old blob
just how much you appreciate school.
School is doom!
What? Pish-posh.
Yeah, pish-posh!
School is my favorite part of being a kid.
Ew! That is the saddest thing
I ever heard.
Oh, she's grateful
For the library and spirited debates ♪
She's grateful
For the microfiche and ♪
- Gratitoad! No! Let him go!
- [coughs] I'm sorry, Missy.
Tell my meemaw that I love her
and that I really
[screams] Holy Hadestown.
[Dread] That's right, Missy.
No matter what you do,
you can't get rid of me.
Okay. Okay, you win.
[evil laughter]
A red pen for peer grading,
and done.
Wow, Caleb, I love the satchel.
Mucho sex appeal.
Maury, you are one minute early.
Yes, but I have the start paperwork
regarding the Division One
volleyball player.
Hi, Caleb.
Don't you want to sign some forms
and then masturbate?
Yes, I do.
I believe she will be
a great addition to the roster.
Yeah, and I put a sticky little penis tab
everywhere you need to sign.
I appreciate everything that you do
in regards to my masturbation.
Wow, thank you, Caleb.
No one's ever said that to me.
And just don't forget to initial there.
[Caleb] It is time.
Squishy, you didn't say "UNO."
- [whispers] Hey, Nick. Are you awake?
- Yeah.
I'm still pretty nervous about Monday.
[sighs] I get it.
I'm actually kinda nervous too.
It's gonna be weird
to go to school without you guys.
Yeah. I wish you were gonna be there
to see me stick my finger up Pumbaa's ass.
Honestly, me too.
- Good night, Andrew.
- Good night, Nick.
Thank you for being a friend ♪
Traveled down a road and back again ♪
Your heart is true
You're a pal and a confidant ♪
["Thank You For Being A Friend"
by Andrew Gold playing]
I'm not ashamed to say ♪
I hope it always will stay this way ♪
My hat is off
Won't you stand up and take a bow? ♪
And if you threw a party ♪
Invited everyone you knew ♪
Well, you would see the biggest gift ♪
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