Bizaardvark (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

Who is Horse Face Guy?

1 (laptop dings) Horse Face Guy posted a new video! I'm up.
(tropical music playing) Ooh, I can't wait to see what he's gonna pull out of there.
It's a lunchbox.
So I'm guessing a sandwich and a thermos.
- Oh Amelia - Sweetie Our little blond gefilte fish.
Horse Face Guy would never pull lunch out of a lunchbox.
He's way more random.
Watch.
PAIGE AND FRANKIE: Whooaaa.
I don't get it.
That's the beauty of Horse Face Guy.
He's impossible to get.
You can't put him in a box.
Or a lunchbox! (giggling) Yeah, I wouldn't high five that either.
All right, things got sparkly, I'm interested.
(upbeat dance music playing) PAIGE AND FRANKIE: Whooaaa.
Paige, Frankie, my little matzo balls I still don't get it.
Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Police have described the murderer as "could be anyone, could be anywhere.
" And finally tonight, it seems we have a celebrity in our midst.
Local Vuuugler Horse Face Guy has created a new dance craze that is taking the Internet by storm.
Oh, we're back? People are calling it "The Horsie.
" And with twenty million views and counting, it's safe to say that "Horse Face Mania" is here to stay.
Thanks for watching.
I'm Lou Scoopmaker.
Good might, Nalibu.
(exclaims) Agh, Lou, you almost had it! Wow, Horse Face Guy's dance is really blowing up.
Nana, I saw you dancing on the news! No, I don't know if Lou Scoopmaker's single.
Well then tell Grandpa to grow a mustache.
Dude, congrats! The Horsie is blowing up! Bring it in, m' horse brother! Everyone online is talking about you.
The world wants to see your face.
Paige, Horse Face Guy doesn't want to reveal his true identity to the world.
His whole brand is based on mystery.
But this could be huge for him.
And me.
I've gone weeks without sleeping just wondering who he is.
Weeks.
Wondering.
I'm sorry.
Are you gonna take off your mask or not? The whole world wants to know: Who.
Is.
Horse Face Guy? Who are you talking to? Guys, Horse Face Guy is not gonna reveal his true identity to the world.
He's an artist.
And how do I know this? Because he makes me feel pretty confused, a little scared, and also kind of dumb.
The way all good artists should.
Well it's not up to us.
The only one who can decide is Horse Face Guy.
He says he has a lot to think about and will now do so during a long and thoughtful walk on the beach.
What will he decide? When will he come back? Who.
Is.
Horse Face Guy? Now who are you talking to? Whoever you were talking to.
Alright.
(upbeat dance music playing) You guys are doing it too? Why is everyone doing this Horsie dance? It's not even that good.
It's just this.
And then this.
And one of these.
Aw yeah, shoulders, bring it home.
See? It's catchy.
That's why it's up to 20 million views.
20 million? My most popular video only got five million views.
Oh yeah, I saw that one.
When you had Horse Face Guy on as a guest.
Don't poke the lion, Zane, unless you want to hear her roar.
(whispers) Are you the lion? It's settled then.
And with you two as my witness, I shall make a video that gets more views than "The Horsie.
" (whispers) Pretty sure she's the lion, bro.
What's going on? Horse Face Guy has a big announcement.
I think he's gonna reveal who he really is.
Did somebody tell Frankie? I have been waiting for this moment for as long as I can remember.
You said you were saving that dress for my wedding! This is bigger, Paige.
Oh, here he is.
I don't know what's gonna happen but I can't wait for it to happen.
Guys, nothing's gonna happen.
I'm telling you, he's not gonna reveal his identity.
He's not even gonna speak.
- I have decided to speak.
- (all gasping) And I rest my case.
Wait, what? I've given it a lot of thought, and after the success of my video now feels like the right time to share my voice.
And what a lovely voice it is! - Thank you, Frankie.
- (gasps) He said my name.
I love your videos, Bizaardvark.
(gasps) He said "Bizaardvark!" Wow, it's been so long since I've said my thoughts out loud.
(gasps) He said "Wow, it's been so long since I've said my thoughts out loud!" I have a question, horse human.
How the heck did your video get 20 million views? Actually, it's up to 22 million.
(clenched) The lion is getting ready to roar.
BERNIE: Huh, that doesn't look like Horse Face Guy's phone.
Well, that's all for now.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
BERNIE: That is not how Horse Face Guy give a thumbs up.
(gasps) That's not the real Horse Face Guy.
That man is a Horse Face Lie.
Not coo, not coo.
Psst.
Guys.
I need to talk to you but it's super secret and has to take place in a private, secure location.
- BOTH: No.
- Okay, I'll come to you.
Guys, I have big news.
That is not the real Horse Face Guy.
What are you talking about? He's real, he's glorious, and he makes a chocolate chip pancake that'll make your mama say, "Mmm, that's a good chocolate chip pancake.
" No, I'm telling you.
Something's off.
I can feel it in my butt.
My gut.
Tell everyone I said my gut.
PAIGE'S VOICE: Doorbell.
- What the? - I got the app.
Roman Winwood, come on in! Horse Face Guy! Sorry I am late.
I was playing mini-golf with Lin Manuel Miranda.
Did you tell everybody the big news? I was waiting for you.
Hey everyone I'm giving Horse Face Guy his own Internet special! Roman Winwood likes to give the good news himself.
It's gonna be streaming live and there's gonna be tons of other acts.
Plus at the end I'm gonna take off this mask and reveal myself to the world.
(all gasping) Why'd you gasp? You already knew.
Huh? Oh I just saw some chocolate chip pancakes.
Yes please.
Wow, Horse Face Guy, taking off your mask in front of the entire world? That's so unlike you! Well, this special's a big deal.
It's gonna be streamed worldwide.
Also, I hear Bizaardvark's performing.
Oh, they are? (gasps) - Wait, we're Bizaardvark! - We're in the show? (gasps) We're in the show! We're in the show high-five! Oh hey, Amelia.
What about you? Want to be on my special? They say millions of people are gonna be streaming it.
AMELIA: Millions of people? That means whatever I do on the show could go viral.
Then I'd get more views than that stupid Horsie dance.
Did you just mean to say that out loud? I'm in your show.
No take-backs.
Bye! Horse Face Guy, we are honored to be in your show.
Thank you so much.
Hey, anything for my buds.
Did you just see that? That is not how Horse Face Guy does a thumbs up.
He's a confident one-armer, not a people-pleasing two-thumber.
Bernie, the greatest American I've ever met just offered us a spot on a live internet special.
So unless you've got proof that doesn't involve thumbs, I suggest you stop besmirching the good name of that national treasure.
I'm right.
And once I'm done besmirching for evidence, you'll see just how right I am.
Hey! One of ya'll got a doggie bag? I've got an escape room with Pink in an hour.
I'll just bring the plate back.
Biceps jacked Biceps slightly more jacked It's so obvious! You're Horse Face Guy, you're Horse Fake Guy.
Wow, I'm on fire today.
HORSE FACE GUY: Yo Bernie, you down here? Nah, I'm just I'm not doing anything.
I'm just down here.
I just wanted to come down, have a quick chat with my bud.
It just feels like ever since I started talking, you've been acting differently.
(high-pitched) What? (normal voice) I mean What? Listen, my life's been a roller coaster lately.
And all the changes have been hard for me.
I'm just glad I've got a good bud like you I can count on.
Wow.
I never thought of it that way.
Sorry I've been acting so weird.
Bring it in, m' horse brother.
Alright.
(chuckling) No, I was talking about our signature high-five.
Oh, right.
I knew that.
Alright, this and then Around and then Oh, you're down.
Ah-ha! You walked right into my trap.
The real Horse Face Guy would know our high five.
You're not the real Horse Face Guy.
You're right.
I'm not.
You're not? I was right? For the first time in my life, I was right! Now I've got you both.
Horse Face Guy, I'm really scared.
But I was right.
(strumming guitars) Hey guys, what are you doing? We're working on our performance for Horse Face Guy's show tonight.
It's top secret.
We can not talk about it.
- Cool.
- Later.
It's actually the biggest idea Bizaardvark's ever done.
There's gonna be stunts, a smoke machine, pyro So much pyro! Oh, don't forget about the costumes.
Oh, yeah.
The costumes.
Do you wanna just show us the whole thing? BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah, you got ten minutes? - I'll go get the pyro! I bet you're wondering what I plan on doing with you now that I've brought you to my secret lair.
Lair? This looks like your childhood bedroom.
How can it be my childhood bedroom if I still live here? Who are you anyway? And why are you doing this? You wanna know who I am? I'll tell you who I am.
Ted Mulcahy! Oh my wait, I don't know you.
Horse Face Guy and I actually met in kindergarten.
We bonded over our love of comic books, baseball.
And oh yeah, we both wore animal masks at all times.
They called me Chicken Face Kid.
And soon, Horse Face Guy and I hit the big time.
That's right.
The local birthday party circuit.
The party scene was good to us.
I mean, we were making literally hundreds of dollars a year.
But it wasn't good enough for Horse Face Guy.
He wanted to make internet videos.
Horse Face Guy went on to success because he had talent.
Whereas I, according to Birthday Party magazine, "was depressing" and "refused to leave.
" Check, and check.
And in a few hours, my master plan will be complete.
'Cause when I take off this horse mask, the world will think that Ted Mulcahy is the real Horse Face Guy.
Then I'll be rich and famous.
And you'll be nobody.
I'm gonna ruin your life the way that you ruined mine.
And you're gonna watch it all.
(jazzy waiting music) It doesn't start for a couple hours.
Hey.
Hey, do you think you could put on like, the sports channel or something? I don't have the package.
(audience cheering) What's up, y'all? (laughs) We are streaming live.
And today, by the end of the hour, we will have an answer to the question: Who.
Is.
Horse Face Guy? Oooh, I wonder who it's gonna be.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Ladies and gentleman, Zane the Unboxer.
Hello.
As you know, I unbox.
So you might be expecting me to unbox Horse Face Guy out of this human sized box.
But Horse Face Guy always thinks outside the box.
So please welcome Horse Face Guy! (applause) Oh wait, you were in the box? Sorry, I missed rehearsal, I was at Hebrew school.
(applause) Oh this? Don't ask.
It's all for our top secret performance.
We enter in a cloud of smoke, then the pyro blasts us into Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Blah, blah, blah, Bizaardvark.
Uh, that is not what we do at all.
It's (changes voice) Bizaardvark.
Hey, where's Bernie? Hmm, I don't know.
I haven't seen him.
That's weird.
Him and Horse Face Guy are tight.
I'm calling him.
(line ringing) BERNIE: Hello? Help! It's Bernie and I'm tied up.
(both gasp) With important business.
So I can't come to the phone.
Gotcha! - Leave a message.
- (line beeps) Ugh, his outgoing messages are the worst.
Shoot, it's recording.
Uh, hey Bernie! Miss you, call me.
Bye! Good save.
Who wants souvenir Horse Face Guy tank tops? - (crowd screaming) - (gun fires) Okay.
You caught it.
That's twelve dollars.
(cellphone rings) Hey, isn't that your phone? It must be in the room.
We're saved! Phone, call Frankie.
PHONE: There are no saved numbers that match.
Okay, uh.
Oh! I'll just go through your recent calls.
Okay, uh Call most recent number.
PHONE: Okay, calling NASA.
Um, next most recent.
PHONE: Okay, calling the Western New Mexico Minor League Hockey Commissioner.
Next most recent.
PHONE: Calling Steph Curry.
Dude, what is your life? Yo, we are so close to finding out who is Horse Face Guy.
But first, we got a special performance from my man Rodney and the What's In M' Hair Dancers! (applause) ("What's In M' Hair playing) What, what, what, what What's in my hair? What, what, what, what What's in my hair? (drumroll) Put your hands together From Japan to Venice For Rodney the rapper I'm a freestyle menace Now I know you're askin' What's in m'hair? But by the time I'm done rappin' Man you just won't care I'd love to keep rollin' like a kid on a bike But it's time to park this rhyme And drop the mic What, what, what, what What's in my hair? (cheering and applause) PHONE: Calling Ebeneezer McDougal, World Record Holder for longest toenails.
Ew! Next.
PHONE: Calling Frankie Wong.
(sighs) Coo, coo.
PHONE: Calling the Coo-Coo Clock Headquarters in Heidelberg, Germany.
No, no, no, go back.
Call Frankie Wong! PHONE: Playing "Stanky Song".
(upbeat techno music playing) Okay, okay.
Well call Frankie back after this song.
This is my jam.
And freeze, and reverse.
Time for Amelia Duckworth to make internet history.
I hope you like the song I'm modeling to.
Listen closely, there's a subtle message in it.
(upbeat music playing) AMELIA: You are all being hypnotized.
You will watch this video 'til it has more views than "The Horsie" Once again, you are all being hypnotized.
Can't believe we're next.
(both laugh) (phone vibrating) Horse Face Guy? That's weird.
He's on stage.
- Hello? - Frankie! Frankie.
I found the real Horse Face Guy and we need your help.
When are you gonna give this up? It's not funny anymore.
No, I'm serious.
We're being held captive by the fake Horse Face Guy.
Someone needs to come rescue us before he unmasks himself to the world.
Oh my gosh.
He was right all along.
That's not the real Horse Face Guy.
Okay, Bernie, we're friend tracking you right now.
We'll be there soon.
Amelia, we need you to go on that stage and stall.
It's an emergency.
Bernie's in trouble.
Bernie's in trouble? I would do anything for more stage time.
Let's go rescue our friends.
I'll bring the pyro.
Fake Horse Face Guy is gonna unmask himself soon.
We're running out of time! (dramatic music) Did someone order a rescue? With a side of rock? (guitars blaring) BOTH: It's Bizaardvark's Biggest Rescue! Yeah, let's do it just like that.
Huh? Oh look.
Door's unlocked.
Oh, that's probably good.
I have no idea how to work this pyro.
Don't worry, guys.
We're here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I could not watch anymore Amelia.
AMELIA: Wee! (circus-style music playing) Wee! Time to play Whack-A-Human.
We're not stalling.
We're not stalling.
We're not stalling.
We're not stalling.
Does it seem like they're stalling? I don't know.
Ever since that little blond girl hypnotized me, I don't know what's going on.
Why don't we wrap this up and get to the unmasking? That's a good idea.
I've got midnight blowing with Ed Sheeran.
(applause) Thank you, thank you.
That was something.
Now, it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for.
It's time to find out Who.
Is.
Horse Face Guy? (cheering and applause) Stop the show! The person under that mask isn't who you think it is.
You've been watching an imposter.
(audience gasping) This is the real Horse Face Guy.
(audience gasps) - Who's who? - I don't know.
This is awful.
This is viewers! How are we gonna figure out who's fake and who's real? There's only one way to know for sure.
Both of you do the Horsie dance.
(audience cheering) (upbeat techno music playing) Am I doing it? Feels like I'm doing it.
Officer, there's your man.
No, no, no.
No! I'm Horse Face Guy! I'm the real Horse Face Guy.
I can prove it.
Um, neigh! Neigh! That was weird, huh? But we got this Horse Face Guy right here.
So why don't we just unmask this sucker? Show your face! ALL (chanting): Show your face! Show your face! Show your face! Guys, no.
Listen, Horse Face Guy didn't want any of this.
You really wanna know who Horse Face Guy is? He's my friend.
And if keeping his identity a secret is important to him, then it's important to me.
And as his fans, it should be important to all of you too.
(audience murmuring) (slow clap) (applause builds) This.
This is why I entertain.
Everybody get your butts out your chairs and show some love to Horse Face Guy! (cheers and applause) Let's do the Horsie! (upbeat techno music playing) Lou Scoopmaker here to break another hot scoop.
Oh, uh.
You missed it.
They already took the fake Horse Face Guy to jail.
So, not a hot scoop? In that case, mind if I dance? (music continues playing) Thank you, Bernie, for always believing in me.
I don't want to show my face to the world, but I do want to show you.
(rubber squeaking) (angelic choir) Tom Brady? What? No.
John Cena? - No.
- Jimmy Fallon? No.
Paul Rudd? - No.
- Chris Pratt? - No.
- Channing Tatum? - No! - Zac Efron? This was a mistake.