Bizaardvark (2016) s03e13 Episode Script

Bernie's Cousin Ernie

1 (yawns) For absolutely no reason at all, I think today is gonna be a great day for Bernie Schotz.
It's Bernie's great day! Bernie's great day! Yeesh, I've never seen bed head like that before.
Thanks, it's sweat and stuff.
It's Bernie's great day! Bernie's great day! (phone dings) Sweet! Someone liked my video.
That was an accident.
It's Bernie's great day! Bernie's great day! Hey-hey, free apple! Uh, those are fake.
Still free! It's Bernie's great day! Bernie's great day! Hey, ya know your cousin Ernie who always makes you feel bad about yourself because he's accomplished so much? Yeah He's in town and wants to see you.
Nooo! (distorting) It's Bernie's great day Bernie's great day Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! (slurps, sighs) Thanks for coming with me to meet my cousin, Frankie.
I haven't seen him in, like, a year.
No prob.
Hey, where's Grandma? Doesn't she want to see Ernie? Uh, no.
He's from the other side of the family.
Grandma hates them.
There was a coleslaw incident.
It made the news! (slurping) Boy, you're really hitting those waters hard.
You seem a little nervous.
Nervous? I'm not nervous.
I'm totally chill.
You can put your arms down now, I'm convinced.
Okay, look.
My cousin's the coolest person I know.
He's smart, he's handsome, he graduated high school early.
Every year, my family crowns him the King of Thanksgiving.
Please don't tell me there's an actual crown.
Why else would anyone want the honor? So big whoop, your cousin's awesome.
What's the problem? Do you really want me to say it? I'm jealous of him.
He's great at everything.
It always makes me feel so much worse about myself when he's around.
Yeah, I get that.
But c'mon, the Bern-Dog's life is straight fire, right? Really? You think so? In what ways? Please don't put me on the spot like that.
Ah-ha-ha! There's my baby cuz! Hey Ernie.
It's nice to see you.
This is my friend Frankie.
Sup, I'm Ernie Plotz.
Seriously? You didn't think it was worth mentioning you're Bernie Schotz and his name is Ernie Plotz? Why? What's weird about that? Hey, sorry I'm late.
I was visiting a couple colleges.
Well, I mean, sorry not sorry.
How does one choose between the best heart surgery program in the country, and the best brain surgery program in the country, am I right? (stammering) Yeah, yeah.
I hear ya.
I mean, curly fries or crinkle cut.
We all got tough decisions to make.
So you want to be a doctor? Yeah, it's just this silly little dream I have of helping every person who needs it.
Yeah, well one time I ate a bunch of my own hair and then it got stuck inside my body, so I know a lot about doctors, too.
They never got it out, but he's now part of an ongoing study.
So, Bernie, how are your little phone videos going? - Uh - (phone ringing) you know, actually they're more than just Oh, you know what? Hold that thought.
I actually have to use my phone to do something important.
Oh, that's Dr.
I guess when you're an intern for the top surgeon in New York City, you gotta be on call 24/7.
Deep! What's shakin', bacon? See what I mean? Wow.
He is really cool.
Yeah, and for once I want to be the cool guy when I'm around him.
You know what, Bernie? You can be.
Why don't we invite Ernie back to the house and I can make sure you look like the coolest guy in the world.
Really, you'd do that for me? You're the best, Frankie.
Bring it in.
You know what? When that throat hair doctor calls you back, mention the armpit thing.
Lou Scoopmaker here with another hot scoop.
They're called escape rooms.
Known for having elaborate themes, kids everywhere are flocking to them.
And based on the old magazines and chairs in here, the theme for this one seems to be some sort of lobby.
I'm being told I'm in the lobby.
They're called escape rooms.
In this one, players are locked in King Tut's Tomb, then have to find clues and solve puzzles to escape.
And they only have one hour to do it.
Sounds stressful for this claustrophobic reporter, but for some, I imagine it's quite an escape.
For Malibu Action News, Lou Scoopmaker, out.
Lou Scoopmaker, out? Lou Scoopmaker, ahh! He's stuck in there.
That looks like so much fun.
And online they're saying it's the hardest escape room in the city.
No one has ever finished it.
We should do it.
Cool! I've never done an escape room.
Or most things.
I'm just a child.
I'm in! I've never done an escape room either.
Oh, um, one time, I had a coupon to do one, but it expired.
I need better stories.
What are you hens clucking about? Oh, a new escape room opened.
We're gonna try it.
Oh yeah, I saw that on the news.
Lou Scoopmaker's stuck in there.
Let's just say they're gonna start calling him Lou Poopmaker.
I don't get it.
(whispering inaudibly) Oh my goodness.
So when are you gonna hit up this escape room? I don't know.
Uh, tomorrow? Great.
Count me in.
- Cool.
- Yay! Ughh.
Not cool.
Yay! I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I just like saying yay.
What happened? She can't be on our team.
She cray.
C'mon, it might be good to have an adult on our team.
Maybe she's really good at problem solving.
Don't wanna open, huh, soup? I will destroy you and everybody you love! That's it, I'm getting my chainsaw.
Okay, that lady cannot be on our team.
She cray.
(phone vibrating) Alright, Ernie's pulling up.
Places everyone.
All right, "Operation Make Bernie Look Cool" is a go.
The house is Bern-ified and everyone knows what to do.
You ready? I was born ready.
And with what my pediatrician described as, "a lot of back hair for a baby.
" Don't say that.
To anyone.
(knocking on door) Hey! What's up, Ernie? Welcome to my crib.
Wow, sweet digs.
This place pretty is cool.
Almost as cool as the sodas in the hospital cafeteria.
I get free refills.
And I get to keep the cup.
Wow, sounds like you're a pretty big deal at the hosp ital.
Must run in the fam, 'cause Bernie's a pretty big deal around here.
Bernie, I cannot wait to see your new video.
I am so lucky to live with such an influential Vuuugler.
You said it.
Living with Bernie has been life changing.
Yep, Bernie's the coolest.
Oh, by the way, here's that money I owe you for "lunch" yesterday.
I didn't believe your lunch.
(siren wailing) What's going on? Oh, that siren means it's time for ALL: The Bernie Viddie of the Day! Whoo! - Bernie Calls the Shotz - Hey, hey! Bernie Calls the Shotz Bernie Calls the Shotz Bernie Calls the Shotz Bernie Calls the Shotz Shotz, Shotz, Shotz Shotz, Shotz, Shotz This happens every day? Well I wouldn't say every day, but you just did, so, yeah.
Bernie, your new video's already up to five million views! Wow, your videos get five million views? Yeah, it must be a slow week.
You know how it is, Ern.
Every view is like saving a life.
So I guess I'm five million doctors.
This is Bernie's room! Whoa, this is your room? Bubble hockey? A king-size bed? Look at that ocean view! I mean, it looks like a postcard.
I mean, why travel when my whole life's a vacation? Hey what are the "P" and "F" pillows for? BOTH: Uhhhh Those stand for Pizza and Fries.
'Cause Paige and Frankie love them and those are their pillows.
Saved it.
And this is where I come to get away from it all.
I call it the Chill Zone.
Wow, this place is pretty chill.
And it's definitely a zone.
So I guess that is the perfect name for it.
Yeah, it would perfect if it weren't for the star tour that stops by every hour.
Oh, guten tag.
I'm a typical German tourist.
My celebrity tour map says Bernie from "Bernie Calls der Schotz" lives here.
Ja? (gasps) Ach du liebe, it's Herr Bernie! May I receive a photo? Anything for a fan.
Uh, no-no, just the handsome star.
Bernie, I gotta say, I am blown away by your life here.
I mean, living the beach life, making videos.
It is super sweet.
It's like I always say: Come up with something later to say that sounds smart.
Well, we'll let you get back to filling out your little college forms.
Tell the family I say hi.
I'll see you guys at Thanksgiving.
All right.
See? I told you I'd hook you up.
Thank you, Frankie.
This is gonna wipe the coleslaw incident right off the front page of the Schotz-Plotz newsletter.
(knocking on door) Ernie? What are you doing here? What I should have done years ago.
My whole life, I've been focusing on becoming doctor.
But after seeing how amazing Bernie's life is here, I realized this is what I should be doing.
So, I'm giving up medicine.
BERNIE & FRANKIE: What? Let me finish.
To become a full-time internet video-maker.
Like we said BERNIE & FRANKIE: What? - This is bad.
- So bad.
Ernie is giving up his life.
The world has just lost a brilliant future doctor.
Huh? No, I'm talking about him becoming a Vuuugler, moving in here, and cramping my style.
It's just gonna be another thing he's better at than me.
Is that seriously what you're focusing on? What about the whole doctor thing? What doctor thing? Have you even seen Ernie's channel? He gave up a future of saving lives to make videos where he spoils the ends of movies.
It's called "Ernie Calls the Plotz.
" Wait! His channel is "Ernie Calls the Plotz"? That's the worst name I've ever heard.
You think "Ernie Calls the Plotz" is a bad name, when your channel is "Bernie Calls the Schotz"? Why, what's weird about that? It's basically the same name! I'm not hearing what you're hearing.
Whatever, it's awful.
He does spoiler alerts without the alerts.
So in the end, it turns out the bad guy is the good guy's dad.
And they're all ghosts! I just saved you fifteen bucks.
You're welcome.
Why are you laughing? Because it's so bad! Ernie stinks at making videos.
Finally, Bernie Schotz is the cool one in the family! Bernie, you don't understand.
My dad is a doctor.
I couldn't live with myself if something I did stripped the world of a brilliant medical mind! Frankie, you're talking about future problems.
So we lost a doctor, who cares? Name one country that doesn't have enough doctors.
- Uhh - Exactly, you can't.
I'm talking about something much bigger than saving lives.
I'm the cool one in the family now! His video already has two million views.
We need to make Ernie want to be a doctor again.
I'm so excited we're doing this.
We are going to crush any and all opponents who cross our paths.
Oh, um, Amelia, there are no opponents.
We're competing against ourselves to get out of here in under an hour.
Well then, I better watch out, 'cause I'm coming for me.
I'm just happy Grandma believed us when we said we were going to get froyo.
Yeah, I knew if we mentioned froyo, she'd bail.
She calls it sad ice cream for babies.
Now if I told her we were taking ice cream from sad babies, she definitely would have been in.
(horn blares) Oh, that's the starting horn! The clock started.
Let's go.
(locks clicks shut) All right, girls, we're locked in.
Man, you never have to pee until they tell you you're locked in a room for an hour.
We have to find the three hidden pyramids.
The last one has the key that opens the door.
By chance do any of the pyramids have the key that opens the bathroom door? Paige, you found a pyramid! It was under Queen Nefertiti! Yaaas Queen! Nefertiti.
(eerie music playing) It's way too creepy.
Yeah, I'm not going in there.
BOTH: Willow! Relax, ladies, I ain't scared of nothin'.
(cracks knuckles) Willow! You found the next pyramid.
And something even better.
It's TV's Lou Scoopmaker! Lou Scoopmaker out Lou Scoopmaker out Is he okay? Um, don't worry, Lou.
We're gonna escape this room and then we'll get you home.
I am home.
Lou Scoopmaker lives here now.
And now over to Cleopatra with traffic.
Okay, the fake blood is ready.
I'll just pretend to cut my thumb, and it'll gush out of this tube.
Okay, great.
And then Ernie will "save you" and remember how much he loves helping people.
He'll want to be a doctor again, you'll pay for my meal, and our problem's solved.
I didn't agree to that last Shh, he's coming! Hey guys, thanks for the lunch invite.
Before I spoil the end of Dinosaur Galaxy 2, I gotta put some food in my belly.
Just like those dinosaurs did.
They eat everybody in the galaxy.
Speaking of free rolls, Frankie, would you like some? Yes.
Just gonna use this newly sharpened knife to put some Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh, I cut my thumb.
Ernie, help! It's bleeding! It's bleeding! One second.
Bernie! Stupid tube isn't working! Um I got an idea.
Just keep screaming.
- Ohhh! - Oh, yeah.
Oh, that thumb is definitely bleeding.
It's gross, cover your eyes! Oh, man.
Ahh! Okay, you can look now.
Man, we could use your help here, Ernie! This is one of the most gruesome thumb injuries I've ever seen! Uh, that is a lot of blood.
The pain is relentless! Look at all the relentlessness! She's relenting everywhere.
Do something, Ernie.
Okay, I'll just (gagging) Uh, maybe someone else can (gagging) Ernie, please! This is a medical emergency! You're the only one with the expertise to help her! I can't, okay? I don't know anything about medicine! I don't work for a top surgeon.
I wasn't first in my high school class, I was last.
I lied about (gagging) everything! (door bell jingles) Wow, I can't believe that just happened.
You gonna eat those rolls? Hey, Ernie.
What happened back there? This seems like a family thing, so I'm gonna head inside.
And figure out why this fake blood thingy didn't work.
Hey, what happened back there is my life isn't anything like you think it is.
What do you mean? I was never class valedictorian.
Okay? I wasn't a presidential honors student.
And I never saved a guy's life using CPR at a little league game.
But you showed me that news article.
It looked so real.
Yeah, it's 'cause I used a photo-editing app.
I paid a guy to use a photo-editing app.
I don't know how to photo-edit! Oh, duh.
The tube is clogged.
This ought to fix it.
Dude, I had no idea.
I'm just an average guy, you know? Who lives with his grandma.
In our basement.
I even pretend to lift heavy weights so people don't think I'm weak.
Wow, Ernie.
That's just sad.
Hey, Ernie, I know you're feeling down, but look on the bright side.
Your channel's getting tons of views.
They're all me.
My life is basically clicking refresh.
It's been so hard keeping this charade going all these years.
And the saddest part is, I just did this to impress you.
Me? Why would you want to impress me? So you'd think I was cooler than I am.
But I guess you wouldn't understand what that's like.
No, Ernie, actually, I do understand.
I'm slightly less famous and popular than I led you to believe.
Seriously? Aw man, that is deep.
I just wanna sit here for a second and take that in.
Okay, I'm ready to talk again.
Straight up? My friends in the Vuuugle house made me look cooler than I actually am.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
What do you mean? Bernie, I'm not jealous of you because of your fame and success.
I'm jealous because of the close friends that you have.
They really seem to love you for you, man.
Flaws and all.
I don't have anyone like that.
Well, you do now.
You mean that? Of course, man.
What are cousins for? Hey, wanna go inside and hang out like friends who are cousins? BOTH: Frousins! (both scream) I fixed the tube.
We only have ten minutes left.
The only way we're gonna finish this is if we maintain laser focus.
Ooh, "Egyptian Beauty Secrets"? This seems important.
The final pyramid! (gasps) ALL: We did it! We did it! LOU: Nice job, ladies.
Lou Scoopmaker out.
Yes! First ones to escape.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Whoo! Oops.
Grandma, uh, what are you doing here? Well, since I thought we were gonna do this escape room together, I came here to practice to get good at it so I wouldn't let you down.
I didn't know I was gonna be the one who was let down.
By you, in case that wasn't clear.
Yeah, we got that.
Grandma, we are so sorry for lying to you.
And we're sorry for coming here without you.
But we're most sorry that you found out.
What can we do to make it up to you? Well Grandma, we know where the hidden pyramids are.
We could give you hints.
I don't need your hints.
I have a system.
Nope, no pyramid in there.
Thanks for a great visit, Bern-man.
You got it, Ern-man.
That was horrifying.
Hey Ernie, what are you gonna do when you get back home? Oh actually, Bernie convinced me to give acting a try.
Oh! Acting? Really? Yeah, well.
You know, acting is pretending to be someone you're not.
And that's basically lying, right? So why not try it? Who knows? I might get my own TV show and become rich and famous.
Sure, cuz.
Safe travels, Ern-Man Okay.
Okay, I wish the kid all the best, but what are the odds that that works out? Seriously.
Acting is a long road paved with regret and failure.
I kinda feel bad for him, but I guess he'll just have to learn the hard way.
Maybe I should get used to being the most impressive cousin in my family after all.
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon, television's got a new doctor.
He's a genius.
He's charming.
He's a teenager? This fall, the doctor is in high school! ANNOUNCER: Ernie Plotz is The Real Doctor.