Black-ish (2014) s03e18 Episode Script


Dre: There was a time not that long ago when women could celebrate their pregnancies openly.
Sometimes even with cigarettes and drinks.
But nowadays for many women in the workforce, there's a concern that being pregnant could hurt their career trajectory.
So, they try to hide it.
How about now? Do I still look pregnant? Yes.
How about now? You look like a table at El Torito that's pregnant.
Of course, Bow had a good reason for hiding her pregnancy at work.
She's in the running to be a partner in her practice.
[Ding!] And her competition is tough.
It's between me and Holiday Hannah.
- Who? - Holiday Hannah, Dre.
I know it's Halloween, but we need somebody to cover the E.
I don't have kids.
I can do it.
I know it's Valentine's Day, but we need somebody to work the E.
I don't have a boyfriend.
I can do it.
I know it's Mother's Day, but we need somebody to cover the E.
My mother's dead.
- I can do it.
- Wha And so far, Bow's been successful in hiding the pregnancy from her potential partners.
- Dr.
Stone, hey.
- Hi.
Gosh, I'm so looking forward to sitting down with you and the partners tomorrow.
So are we.
You have a lot of fans in that room.
Oh, good to know.
- [Laughing] Thank you.
- [Alarms beeping] You look beautiful today.
Man: Code blue.
Code blue.
Patient in 103 is coding.
I need this.
- Yeah, I need it, too.
- Okay.
Bow? - Yes? - Doctor? - Coding.
- Oh, you said coding.
- Yes! - Okay.
- Thank you.
- Get out of here.
You are to go! Go! Oh! I'm pregnant! [Laughs] Congratulations.
Thank you so much.
I Yep.
Well, I will see you tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I can't wait.
I can't wait.
- He didn't make it.
- Really? Hey, congratulations.
Thanks, Larry.
Circle of life.
Pbht! Hooray! Dre: So, Bow's pregnancy was affecting everyone.
- Dre? - Hmm? What are you doing? Oh, man, I got a pregnant wife at home, and I am gonna be a hero at 3:00 a.
with these tiny pickles.
These are also for Bow, as well.
Must be nice having a wife, you know, someone you can share secrets with, just anything tethering you to this world.
You're not a danger to others, just yourself, right? So, Dre, are you gonna take paternity leave when the baby comes? "Paternity leave"? Huh! He meant "paternity test," Dre.
Oh, I know it's mine.
I was there.
Oh, my man.
My man.
I mean, are you gonna stay home and take care of your baby? [Laughter] Stevens: That's a good one.
It's so crazy! Daddy, can you imagine if you stayed home to take care of me? [Laughs] I can't.
I really can't.
I mean Besides, this whole paternity thing, it's not real.
I mean, there's nothing a man can do to help a woman with a baby.
He can't nurse.
He can't go to doctor's appointments.
I mean, what's a man gonna do with a baby? Hold it? [Laughter] What would that even look like? What would it look like? Where do you Hold on.
Hold on.
So, you had four kids and you weren't home with any of them? Well, no.
I stayed home after Zoey was born.
But that's because I was unemployed.
Yes! It's okay for a man to be unemployed.
There's nobility in the struggle.
- You remember, Connie.
- Connor: How could I forget? I was lying on the couch in my Snuggie, eating a muffin, and then you came in and told me - that I could work here.
- Wow.
The proudest moment of my life, Buttercup.
You see? Paternity leave.
I never took it and Connie turned out just fine.
Uh, Connie wears a house-arrest anklet.
But only for two more weeks.
- What? - Charlie: Eustace turned out great, too.
He's so independent, I don't know where he is half the time.
Like now.
Eustace! Hey.
Has anyone seen my iPod Shuffle? - Excuse me.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Listen, listen, listen.
It's gone missing.
Are you hearing me? I'm talking about an iPod Shuffle.
The greatest piece of non-vibrating technology the world has ever seen.
Do they still make iPod Shuffles? - Huh? - What's it look like? It looks like a tiny little square.
And I can't power-walk through the Crenshaw Mall without it.
Can't you just use your Tae Bo videos or your Shake Weight? What do mean? To, like, exercise with? Hi, Ruby.
Ah, I love the track suit and kitten heels.
Yeah, listen, you haven't seen my iPod Shuffle, have you? I'm sorry.
I haven't.
But I'll keep an eye out.
Children, gather.
Gather quickly.
We have a thief in the house.
Vivian stole my Shuffle.
What? Grandma, nobody would steal that.
Oh, that's crazy.
You see, the struggle is always real for you.
This isn't the first time Vivian has stolen from me.
I'm not sure that counts as stealing.
Also Vivian is very pretty, so - Hm.
- I never liked her.
I'm on board.
Very wise, Diane.
Yes, yes.
Oh, we gonna find that Shuffle.
Dre: So, Bow had her interview with the partners, and since there was an elephant in the room, she tried to lighten the mood.
Well, I am glad that you guys have your coffee 'cause I am such a good anesthesiologist, I might put you to sleep.
[Laughter] 'Cause I know how to Oh, womp.
[Laughs] - [Ding!] - And failed.
But then she dealt with the elephant head on.
Being pregnant is an asset.
It means I'm completely loyal.
The baby is not gonna interfere with my schedule at all.
I will be back in six weeks.
[Chuckles] Pregnant women can do it all.
Meanwhile, I was realizing that Josh might not be wrong about paternity leave.
I mean, I wasn't home after Junior was born.
Have you seen my wand? I can't find it anywhere, and my spell book is useless without it.
And I didn't stay home with the twins, either.
Hey, Dad Ohh! I am not taking care of him when we're adults.
Or you, Dad.
I hope you've invested well.
What? Ow! Uh But then there's Zoey.
[Ethereal music plays] She's perfect.
Oh, morning, Dad.
Good morning, baby girl.
O-M-G, did you see that video online? Yeah, with the goat and the baby throwing up? Both: At the same time.
Mm! We have the same sense of humor, same style.
What if Zoey turned out so great because I was home during the first crucial months of her life? I knew what I had to do.
Ow! Ooh.
Why are you still on the floor? Hey, guys, guys.
Seriously, it's time to get into this Bailey's campaign.
Now remember, they want it to be seen as something more than just a holiday drink.
So let us brainstorm.
Uh, okay, winter.
- Uh, skiing.
- Mm-hmm.
Shooting wolves from a helicopter.
Go ahead.
- Long bath with a short woman.
- Mm.
Or I mean deep bath with a shallow woman.
Weird but wonderful.
Go ahead.
Sitting by the fire, waiting for the phone to ring.
Oh, for God's sake.
Just take the shot, Josh.
- Oh.
- Dre, come on.
I'm taking paternity leave.
Okay, that makes no sense.
See, we're looking for words that actually help with the product, like indulgent, deliciously perfect No.
I'm taking paternity leave.
- What? - Nice! Hey! I told you he was gay, Dad.
Shh! That's, uh That's text talk, kitten.
Okay, I've done some research.
And did you know that when babies are born, they resemble their fathers? It's Mother Nature's way of keeping the dads invested.
I was disappointed when Eustace looked more like my brother, Eustace.
Eustace! Look, Dre, if paternity leave was so great, why wouldn't everyone be taking it? Around the world, they do.
In Denmark, more than 90% of dads take time off.
- Mm.
- Connor: Denmark.
What has Denmark ever done? Uh, Legos.
They made Legos? - Wow.
- Legos, Legos? Okay, okay, look, guys, the point is I want to give my baby the best chance in life.
That way Zoey and the baby can take care of all the middle ones.
I'm proud of you, my brother.
Put your hand down, Josh.
Of course.
Stevens: Seriously, just take the shot.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, babe.
So, uh, how'd your interview go? It's interesting you should ask, my darling.
- Mm? - You know why? Why? Because I nailed it.
- [Laughs] - I nailed it! I mean, it was a little bit awkward at first.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then I nailed it, Dre.
I super nailed it.
I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you, baby.
- Yep.
I also killed it today.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- What'd you do? - I'm taking paternity leave.
What?! Oh, my Dre, that's fantastic.
I I didn't even know you were thinking about that.
I want my baby to have all the benefits of a strong, present father.
Oh, you're the best.
And if you time it right, I can go to the NBA Finals.
- Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
So, DeVonte, you keep kicking and you keep cooking.
- Great.
- Mm, my baby.
- My baby nailed it.
- I nailed it.
- I totally nailed it.
- Mm! - Jack: Grandma.
- Ruby: Mm? You were right.
My Robotruck is definitely missing.
And I can't find my favorite crop top.
I've looked everywhere.
Are you sure it could be Vivian? It could, and it is.
It's just so hard to believe.
It's easy to believe if you accept the fact that people are inherently evil, which I do.
Okay, I can't sit by any longer and let you all slander Vivian's good name.
I present to you exhibit "A".
Does this look like a thief to you? Or this? Ew.
Are these stalker photos? - No.
They're candids.
- Of her butt? All this proves is you won't be able to live near a school.
Now, listen up.
Vivian is the perfect thief.
She has complete access.
We don't even pat her down when she leaves.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- You're right.
- Uh-huh.
What fools we've been.
It's time to remember the golden rule.
When someone steals from you, catch them.
And shame them.
That's not the gold I said shame them.
And the Bailey's account will go to Charlie.
Hey! Bailey's is mine! Oh, hey, Dre.
[Whispers indistinctly] Oh, yeah.
Um, I would like to formally apologize for sending out that company-wide e-mail calling your plan to take paternity leave - "bitch stuff.
" - [Chuckles] But on the plus side, it did prompt a pop-in visit from our HR executive, who is a woman.
Again, my name is Rachel.
And I feel like you really don't get why I'm here.
Because you're hot, sweetheart.
[Light laughter] [Whispers indistinctly] Right.
That was inappropriate.
And you may also take paternity leave.
Thank you for doing what is legally required of you.
Actually, you know, Dre, we crunched the numbers.
With you not here, we save a ton on food.
And toilet paper.
Connor: And without your daily lectures about, uh, you know, black stuff, we're actually gonna get some work done around here.
So, I was just handing out your account to the other executives.
- Josh, you take that.
- Ooh.
It's got a lot of girth.
You take as long as you want there, Dre.
You can stay home till you penis falls off.
But the baby isn't even born yet.
And these are my special folders, and that is my family on my special mug.
Well, you'll see enough of them when you're at home.
[All murmuring] Gotcha! [Laughs] - I'm not taking a paternity leave.
- No! I can't believe you fell for that, suckas! You think I'm gonna trade in my livelihood to change dirty diapers? Pff! Please.
I am a man, and my penis is sewn on.
We got our Dre back.
[Whispers indistinctly] Oh, well I will refrain from discussing my genitalia in the workplace.
Thanks a lot.
Meanwhile, Bow was waiting for news from the partners.
[Sighs] They're gonna call.
You're gonna make partner.
You're right.
You're right.
You know what? I deserve this, and I killed it in that meeting.
I killed it.
Of course you killed it.
You're amazing.
A doctor, wife, mother of four, one on the way.
You should write a book.
St Pff, come on.
No, you're a role model, and, you know - So sweet of you to say that - I was a little afraid to tell you this, but now I see that I really have no reason to be.
Are you having an affair with Dre? What? No! - Oh.
- I'm pregnant.
Oh, wha Oh.
Oh! [Both laugh] Oh, my W Are you sure you're not having an affair with Dre? You are just so funny.
No, no.
You know he's not for me.
Not at all.
- [Sighs] - We're both pregnant! - Yes! - Yes! - Can you Come - [Screams] Give me a hug.
- What? - Come here, come here.
What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
What? What? What? We need to fire Vivian.
Who? Black Nanny.
[Gasps] Oh, right.
Because she wants all of this, huh? I knew this would be a problem.
No, Dre.
Because she went and got herself pregnant.
[Gasps] So she's not into me? - N - Well, now I'm not into her.
Will you focus, please? Look, focus.
Dre, we rely on her.
And she has violated the sacred trust between employer and employee.
And you should have heard the web of lies she spun.
Just Being pregnant is an asset.
It means I am completely loyal.
This pregnancy will not interfere with my schedule.
I will be back in six weeks.
Pregnant woman can do it all.
That's verbatim what you told the partners.
Is it, Dre? Is it?! Is it?! Is it?! - Is Is it? - Yes, it is.
Well, you know what? It's all lies.
Moms cannot do it all.
No, babies are a lot of work, Dre.
This is so much work! And she's leaving me high and dry when I need her the most.
How can she do this to me? - Oh.
- She's so selfish.
She's a selfish lady.
- Well - Yep.
I'm glad that you are so sensitive to the plight of a pregnant woman trying to balance her home and work life.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
- Oh.
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
[Cellphone rings] Oh, hello, Dr.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
I appreciate that.
All right.
You too.
Okay, bye.
Okay, okay.
Tell me What happened? I didn't get it.
Come here, baby.
Come here.
- Damn it.
- Oh, it's okay.
You'll get it next time.
Ruby: Kids! Kids, get in here! Come on! Come on, come on, come on.
What you got, Grandma? I wanted to show you all - Zoey: Oh.
- The proof.
You stole Vivian's purse? It's not stealing when you steal from a thief.
- Then what it is? - It's a gray area.
So, listen.
This morning, I put a $20 bill - on the kitchen counter as bait.
- Oh, my.
It's gone.
[Chuckles] And behold $20.
But that's two $10's.
She went and got change.
This ain't her first rodeo.
- What are you doing? - Huh? Is that my purse? Are you stealing from me? Doesn't feel so good now, does it, sticky fingers? Sticky fingers? Well, you think that I stole something? Can you believe that, Vivian? Doesn't it just make you want to pout? [Sighs] Hey, what's going on here? What's going on here is your nanny's been stealing.
- What? - No.
She took my $20, Zoey's crop top, and Jack's toy.
Okay, look, Black Nanny is not a thief.
- It's Vivian.
- Please, Black Nanny, - I'm defending you.
- Ugh.
Your mother donates the toys you're too old for.
Is that what happened to my Fisher-Price phone? You have an iPhone now.
Come on, man.
It's not the same.
And I got rid of your crop top because no daughter of mine is gonna be walking around in a handkerchief claiming it's a shirt.
And I took that $20.
But it wasn't yours.
This entire house is mine, so if you leave money out, I'm gon' take it.
Everyone owes Black Nanny an apology.
- Sorry, Vivian.
- Sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
My bad.
I don't say sorry.
[Gasps] - Thanks, Dre.
- Uh, please, Black Nanny.
I'm married.
You're embarrassing yourself.
So, the next day, Bow tried to make something positive come out of not making partner.
Hi, guys.
Thank you so much for agreeing to this follow-up.
Um, I promise you I am not here to complain.
No, nobody thought you were here to complain or to sue us.
Our lawyer is just here having lunch.
All right, so, I will admit that I was really disappointed that I didn't make partner.
But I've I've accepted it gracefully.
[Crying] I don't deserve tiny pickles, Dre! I don't deserve them.
But I thought I could actually play a different role here.
I found out my nanny is also pregnant.
And I realized what it must be like in your shoes.
It's just that our society hasn't figured out how to support pregnant women or their employers.
And we need to.
I mean, women should be encouraged to celebrate their pregnancies, not to hide them.
The system is not gonna change if doesn't include the participation of everybody.
And I really feel like I can help with that.
So that's I would like to do that.
- We appreciate that.
- Yeah.
And also congratulations to Holiday Hannah.
Yay! [Chuckles] Holiday Hannah? Ooh.
That's It's a little private nickname that I call you [chuckles] at home with When you're not there.
I'm so sorry, Joanne.
You know what sucks? What? I don't know if my pregnancy is the reason that I didn't get the partnership.
Just makes me want to work so much harder next year so I can get it.
You'll get it, babe.
But at least I don't have to rush back to work after I give birth.
[Both laugh] I can stay home with our son during that magic time.
My God.
They smell so good then.
Oh, wow.
I can't believe we're doing this again.
I don't want to miss it, either.
I want to be home with our baby and you.
Well, that's why you took the paternity leave.
Uh about that.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I'll get it back.
Oh, my gosh.
Besides, I think the Clippers may make the playoffs.
Yeah, I was really worried about that.
Yeah, me too.
You keep cooking.
- You keep cooking.
- [Laughs] [Camera shutter clicks] Not so fast, Grandma.
You owe Vivian an apology.
Well, just because I found it doesn't mean she didn't steal it.
But that's exactly what it means.
Mind your own business.
You little pervert.