Black-ish (2014) s04e17 Episode Script

North Star

1 DRE: The best part of the holidays is family.
The worst part of the holidays is Bow's family.
So I always try to stake out the best holidays and reserve them for my side of the family.
- I have MLK Day - Yes.
- July 4th, Labor Day - Mmm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
- Unbelievable.
Now you choose yours Ooh, wait a minute.
Hold on.
- Wait, Dre - Let me get let me get New Year's real quick.
Okay.
- Seriously? - Uh-huh.
Dre, come on! You took all the good holidays.
Come on.
You say that like you came out of this empty-handed.
Hell, I gave you every other Easter.
Really? You gave it to me, Dre? - This is ridiculous.
- Okay.
Bow and I both love Easter.
It's the one holiday neither of us would give up.
We came up with a system of odds and evens, with our families switching off every other year.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Ooh! Ooh! My family's here.
No, no, no.
That's my family.
Dre, it's my year.
Bow, it's definitely my year.
No, okay, it's my year, Dre.
- Hi! - ALL: Hi! Aah! This was supposed to be my year! Hello.
Damn.
[WHISPERING] I forgot how white your white half is.
- Dre.
- [CHUCKLES] Yay! I'm so glad you guys all here.
Just make yourself comfortable.
[CHUCKLES] [WHISPERING] Okay, what the hell happened? What are your white cousins doing here? [WHISPERING] Dre, I told you, this year was mine.
Last year was supposed to be mine, but we skipped it because Devante was born.
Okay, we saw your family at the hospital.
That counts as your year.
I almost died.
And I had to watch HGTV with them in the waiting room.
- Count it.
- No, I will not count it, Dre.
And, okay, I know how you feel about my family, but you only see them once a year, and I have to see your mom every single day.
I accept your apology.
Okay, I get that we have never done this before, but we can still have a lovely Easter with both of our families here together.
- The only important thing - [SIGHS] is that you and I are a united front.
We can get through this as a team.
You and me.
You and me.
- Thank you.
- I got it.
Hi! - Oh, hey! - Hey! - Great to see you guys.
- Hey! - Oh.
- Mm.
- Life of the party, as usual.
- Yep.
- He had a long week at work, so - Of course.
You know, I don't I don't think I've heard him talk in two years.
- Okay.
- He's had a long two years at work.
I'm excited for you to try my beets.
By Dre? [LAUGHS] Get it? No, I made this.
- Oh.
- With burrata and fennel pollen.
It's delicious, healthy, and just as filling as a meat dish.
- Oh.
- Oh.
That sounds like it could be true.
You know we hate to come empty-handed.
Oh, we're so glad you don't.
[SOFTLY] I hate when you come.
- Shh! - Okay.
- Hey! - Hey, Grandma.
Oh, let me grab that.
Thank you.
Let me get that for you.
Hey, let me Oh.
Nope? Okay.
I want you all to know I stood outside for an hour.
- Oh.
- What? And three people offered to help me find my way home.
- Oh.
- Oh.
You know, this is really a nice neighborhood.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's why we moved here, Grandma Mabel.
- [CHUCKLING] Yeah.
- Good choice.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] GWEN: I hope you don't mind, but I had to bring my fur babies.
Buttons is for my anxiety, and Pinches is for Buttons' anxiety.
So keep it cool.
[CHUCKLES] Keep it cool.
- Yay! - Yay.
- Your family's here.
- They're here.
Wow! You look so grown-up.
High school will do that to a girl.
Mm.
Yeah.
Uh totally.
[YAWNS] Oh, sorry.
I was out late last night.
You guys get to stay out late? Yeah, we don't have a curfew.
No curfew? I-I'd stay out 'til like 10:00.
No, no 9:30.
Look she's wearing lipstick.
Not lip gloss stick.
So, what about you guys? What's new? Well, one cool thing is I'll tell you what's new.
[SCOFFS] We are so sorry.
It's time for the 2018 Johnson family egg hunt planned by me, administered by me, all disputes will be adjudicated by me.
But have you worked out the kinks? [GASPS] Hey, guys! Guys, I found [VOICE BREAKING] Did I just kill a chicken? I don't care.
I'll kill as many chickens as I have to.
I don't know those used to be fun, but I think we're a little too old for egg hunts.
I drove a car last night.
What? How?! We're too old, too.
Y-Yeah.
Eh, uh, forget what I said.
Uh, that round, pink thing on that book is of no interest to me.
Is there candy in it? I-I don't I don't care.
I get it.
Everyone's growing up.
But, uh, maybe you'll change your minds later.
No presh.
But let me drop this.
There is candy in them.
Oh, I knew it! - Oh.
So what? Psh.
- CHUCKLES] While I was cooking, avoiding the white cousins, finally, the one I liked arrived.
Anybody home? I'm a burglar.
- [LAUGHS] Gary's here! - What's up? - Mm! What's goin' on, brother? - Not too much.
- Good to see you, man.
- Yeah.
Finally, one of the good ones shows up.
Eh What'd you bring with you? Well, glad you asked.
It took a lot of spilled flour and a few third-degree burns, but I baked us a sweet potato pie.
- From scratch? - You know it.
I love you, Gary.
You are the man, G-Money.
Alright.
All for you, D-Money.
- Hey! You made a pie.
- I did.
- I made a pie.
- Okay.
Yours looks good.
Too good.
Well, I put a lot of hard work into this pie.
Mm-hmm.
Somebody put a lot of hard work into this pie, but it wasn't you.
Now, you know that's a Patti LaBelle pie! You trying to take credit for Patti's work? Well, I did write the song "On My Own.
" [CHUCKLES] Oh, we're not joking.
Okay.
I know what you did, Gary, and I'm gonna prove it.
[SCOFFS] Homemade, my ass.
- [SPORTING EVENT PLAYS ON TELEVISION] - Ah, come on! - Here, sweetie.
- Oh.
- Ooh! Meat! - [CHUCKLES] - Thank you, baby.
- You're welcome.
What was that? Nothing.
Nothing.
I've never seen you make a plate of food for Andre before.
Mom, Junior was just asking if you could explain your crystal work to him.
No, I wasn't.
But I am interested! Let me get my pouch! Go ahead, you guys.
- [WHISPERING] Here, babe.
- Oh.
Hey, thanks, baby.
Yeah, no problem.
It's no big deal, Mom.
I think it's a big deal when my daughter's being subservient to a man.
I'm not being subservient.
It's just It's It's what we do.
Gwen - Do you make a plate for your husband? - No.
Mom You mean physically make him a plate? Like at Color Me Mine? No.
Do you put together a plate of food for an able-bodied man? Why on Earth would I do that? - [SIGHING] Oh, boy.
- He can make his own plate.
- Well - Spoken like a liberated woman.
- Yay! - Rainbow prefers to be subservient.
- No - Leave her alone, Aunt Alicia.
- Okay? - Thank you.
It's 2018.
Bow can choose to be as liberated or as subservient as she wants.
- That's not helpful.
- Question.
- Mm-hmm? - Do you have any nitrite-free bacon that I could chew up to feed to Buttons? I-I have Canadian bacon, I believe, in the fridge.
How does that sound, Buttons? [BARKS] Oh.
Oh, he's wondering if you can run to the store.
Oh, that's not what he said.
Mnh-mnh.
Have you guys seen "Blood Tsunami"? The movie that made a whole theater vomit and pass out? We saw it last week.
Threw up twice.
Um, yeah, yeah.
W-We're totally - brave enough to see it.
- Mm-hmm.
It's just, o-our mom won't let us watch scary movies.
It's okay.
I can show you a clip on my phone.
Oh, wow.
How lucky to get to see this.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING] Watching pirated material can earn you five years in jail and/or a fine of up to $250,000! Is it worth it? Is this guy serious? Now that we've avoided a felony, let me holler at you about this egg hunt.
So, the prizes this year aren't just Peeps and Cadbury Eggs.
I've also got Cadbury Eggs shaped like Peeps.
Changes the calculus, huh? God! Now that we're not doing it, I see eggs everywhere! - [WHISTLE BLOWS] - Oh, what is that?! - Come on! That's a foul! - Come on! Oh, my God, your plants in front are looking nice.
Hey, hey, Paul, I can't see around your head.
Yeah, I got some great succulents coming in myself.
But I lost some good guys during the frost.
You can't plant a Zone 8 stunner in Zone 11 and expect good results, you know what I'm saying? U-U-Uncle Paul, um, late-game free throws aren't the best time to be talking about gardening.
Oh.
[CHUCKLING] Of course.
- Where's my head? - Uh-huh.
[WHISPERING] Sorry about him.
You know, I wish Bow's family was all you, Gary.
[CHUCKLES] I miss the old shorts.
Hmm? I mean, they hug the body.
They really let you see the shape of the equipment.
Grandma.
Oh, yeah! Oh! - Mom, I have bad news.
- Yeah? It's Jack and Diane.
What? I-I don't want to alarm you, but, uh they've lost their sense of wonder.
- Okay.
- So, I-I guess I do want to alarm you.
Okay.
Just keep your head on a swivel.
I Yep.
- I got it.
- Jack, do you want some carrots? Um no.
Uh, are you making Jack a plate? - Yeah.
- Why? Because I always do.
It's nice.
You do it for Dad.
[SINGSONG] Continuing the cycle.
Uh Yeah, well not anymore.
- Wh - Nope.
Everybody can make their own plates from now on! What? The cycle has been broken.
Good for you, Bow.
- Thank you.
- [GROANS] What is going on in my house right now? Mom's white family is ruining it for all of us.
Yeah.
I know, little buddy.
I'm not ready to make my own plate.
Without Diane, it would just be all deviled eggs and Cool Whip.
I mean, that sounds good, right? Ooh, I-I don't know what to take.
I feel paralyzed.
No, hey, hey, hey.
Don't worry about it, buddy, alright? I will make your plate, because making a plate is not a big deal.
Dre.
That is what I thought, too, - but when I do it, it's a choice.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't want Diane to think she has to wait on a man.
You're worried about Diane waiting on a man? You need to worry about her poisoning her rivals.
[CHUCKLES] Not just rivals.
Y She's so scary.
So what if she makes her brother a plate? That does not make her weak.
I shot Earl in the belly, and I still make him a plate.
Yeah, all in all, not a bad trade.
Whoap! You're not staying? Unh-unh.
Didn't we see these people last Easter? Yes! I was in the hospital.
Remember? I almost died.
Still, I-I think it should count.
I'd count it.
I thought we had a united front.
I know, but my mom just brought up a really good point.
I don't want to be passing on a sexist tradition, Dre.
- Okay, we will argue about this later, okay? - Mm-hmm.
But let's hold it together until after dinner, when we can kick these people out of here.
Enough.
These people are my family, and I love them, so please, just just be gentle.
- I'm trying.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi! Sorry, um, I'm just wondering if there's any way you could arrange a calm, dark room for my dogs.
- They got a bit overstimulated - [DOGS WHINING] during the basketball game, seeing a ball they can't have.
Enjoying yourself, Gary? Yeah.
I always love Quick what's the butter-to-shortening ratio in your crust? - I used all butter.
- Mm-hmm.
What temperature did you cook your pie on? And for how long? 350 for an hour, after I boiled the s-sweet potatoes for an hour.
Ooooooh! You smooth.
You know who else speaks smoothly with a wicked tongue? - The devil? - The devil.
Yeah.
Oh.
Interesting.
No fried chicken no greens.
Maybe on my next pass.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you all so much for being here.
This is so nice.
It's such a special day when we're surrounded by so much family.
- Ah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
So much family.
We are starving.
We did a fun run before we came today, - didn't we, hon? - DRE: Oh.
Fun run.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Hon? The run, it was fun? He loved it.
RAINBOW: I be believe you.
Yeah.
That's when I noticed that it wasn't just Gwen who had made a strong food choice.
It was all of Bow's family.
Something wrong? You guys don't have any mac and cheese on your plates.
Oh, you know, it's very rich, and we're trying to watch our calories and cholesterol.
Really? Because burrata has much more fat than cheddar.
Yeah, but it tastes very light.
You should really try our beets.
I would, but I see bringing beets to Easter as an act of aggression.
[WHISPERING] Pump your brakes, Dre.
- O - Just Well, I-I'm sorry.
I just don't see how you skip over mac and cheese for beets.
I love beets.
- Don't beat up on beets.
- [LAUGHTER] Oh, Paul, you're so funny.
Okay, I'll give you that.
That's a good one.
And beets are very healthy.
Well, food isn't about just health.
L-Let's say someone you love died.
- What? What are we - One of your dogs, maybe.
Would you comfort yourself with a nice, warm bowl of mac and cheese or a cold, slimy beet? My Clarence used to hate beets.
He called them "blood potatoes.
" Oh.
I never heard that before.
- Interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe black and white people taste things differently.
Maybe I just don't eat soul food because of all the fat and salt.
Is that all you think soul food is? Huh? Do you have any idea why we cook it the way that we do? Today, Dre will be cooking with pig intestines, weeds, ham hocks, pig's feet, lard, and hot water.
Can that be right? Mm.
Let's see what he can make for us with these tough ingredients.
DRE: During slavery, black people were lucky if we got the worst parts of the pig, the toughest greens, or even leftover cornmeal.
We also had to figure out how to make it taste good.
So we used lard and tons of seasoning.
And even now that we can afford better, we still like our food highly seasoned.
There's a reason that Beyoncé has hot sauce in her bag.
So, I've made collard greens with ham hock, hot water cornbread, and fried chitterlings.
Well, that actually looks amazing! You made this from those ingredients? Yes, I did.
Dre, you've been chopped.
But don't ever stop chasing your dreams.
But this is a dream.
Then I don't know what to tell you.
[CLATTER] We took white people's garbage and we made it shine.
That's why it hurts so much when you turn your nose up, because when you reject our food, you're rejecting us.
Okay, this is crazy.
Are you saying that my taste in food is racist? Is that what he's saying? No, I don't think so.
That's not what he's saying.
Because he said he's gonna be so nice to my family.
Okay, so, does anybody want slaw? Do you want slaw? Do you want slaw? Dad? Is it so crazy for us to believe that after our people were on the bottom of this country for 400 years that our stuff is seen as less-than? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Preach, baby! Preach! Our stuff is never seen as acceptable until white people put their stamp on it.
Dark skin was bad until white people saw how nice they looked with a tan.
Black music was jungle music until Elvis stole it.
And even our butts were too much until Kim Kardashian came along.
Okay, I'll say it.
Um I've always thought black people are better, you know? And it's a wonder you don't rise up and kill all of us.
Oh, I've tried.
See? Gary gets it.
I can't keep going around in circles with you, Dre.
You see race in everything.
Because it is in everything.
With pretty much anything, I can draw a direct line to being black.
It's my North Star, which is why I know that if Rachael Ray started a soul-food line and put it in the frozen section, you would buy it right up.
You think you're the only one with a deep connection to food? Oh.
Is Brian talking? I cook beets because of my grandmother.
When her family was hiding in the woods from the Nazis, beets were all they had.
So when we were kids, she'd cook them for us and tell us stories of how she survived.
Now I like making them for my kids so they can, uh, remember her.
Oh.
Okay.
Maybe I'll try some.
All of this talk of who makes a plate for who and black food vs.
white food had left our Easter dinner pretty tense.
Hot enough for you guys out there? It's warm out warm outside.
Warm.
[SLURPING] I see the neighbors got a new car.
Yeah, it's it's a pretty car.
I don't care about slavery or the Holocaust.
Oh, Mabel.
[CLEARS THROAT] All I know is, I always loved making my Clarence a plate.
What's that, Grandma? Well, when we came up, it was different from the way it is now.
When a black man went out into the world, they treated him like he wasn't a man.
Mm.
So the least I could do when Clarence came home was make him a plate make him feel like he was somebody, let him know that somebody loved him, even though the world didn't.
Mm.
I never looked at it that way.
Thank you for sharing that.
I think that's a really good reason to make a plate for someone you love.
Hm.
Mmm.
Ohhh, this is such a beautiful moment of healing.
Does anyone else want to open up? Perhaps about a lie they've told about a pie? There is no lie.
I made that pie myself.
I worked my ass off to impress you.
I-I wanted to show you all how much you mean to me.
And we love you.
No, I was talking to the Black people.
Riley and Hunter must think we're such babies.
What are you guys doing? Uh We just thought it'd be hilarious to hunt eggs ironically.
U-Uh y-yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's That's how we hunt for them, too, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Uh, sweet.
If we really want to clown Junior, we would go outside, where there's tons of eggs.
Yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
Um, wouldn't it be dumb if we also just kept track of who found the most eggs? It'd be me.
I-Ironically.
They do have wonder.
Go, children.
Find my eggs.
Something sweet for a sweetheart.
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES] - I like your smile.
- Ah.
Call me if I outlive your wife.
[LAUGHS] Call me anytime.
I don't care about your wife.
[CHUCKLES] - Mr.
Johnson - Hmm? - I made you a plate.
- Oh.
Well, Mrs.
Johnson, I made you a plate.
- No way.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Hey, babe, I will try harder with your family next time.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
And, uh, Cinco de Mayo is gonna be muy caliente.
Mmm! [BOTH LAUGH] Do you think I could take some of the mac and cheese to go in case anyone wants a midnight splurge? Sure.
- Yeah, I think that can be arranged.
- Yeah.
Wait a minute.
It's not for the dogs, is it? Oh, no.
Buttons is lactose-intolerant.
Pinches is not, but we tell him he is just to keep peace.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES] - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You got it.
No problem.
[CHUCKLES] You're trying so hard right now, aren't you? - I am.
- Mm-hmm.
Bigger smile.
- Bigger.
- Mm-hmm.