Black-ish (2014) s04e19 Episode Script

Dog Eat Dog World

1 DRE: As a parent, you're always finding creative new ways to tell your children "no.
" - Hey, Dad? - Hm? Can we go to Pinkberry? [Sighs] Sorry, baby.
Pinkberry burned down.
- All of them? - Sucks, huh? Mom, look! A Ferris wheel! Oh, sorry, sweetie.
Carnivals are 21 and over.
Ooh! Cotton candy! Oh, can we get some? Please? Uh, sorry, babies.
Black people don't eat cotton candy.
It was picked by slaves.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, son.
- Hey, sweetie.
Can we get a dog? Like I always tell you, son of course you can As soon as you come home with straight A's.
- [Laughs] - And those creative ways of letting our children down gently have always paid off I did.
I got straight A's.
until now.
So, let me get that dog, playboy.
Ruff! Ruff, ruff, ruff! Straight A's? - Hm.
- From Jack? How did this happen? - [Door opens] - [Squealing] Our numbers hit, Betty.
We won the Powerball! [Murmuring excitedly] [Grunts] We can't get a dog.
We already have our hands full with four kids.
Five kids, Dre.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Okay, Bow.
Listen, we made an agreement with Jack.
- We promised.
- Oh, please.
The people in this house renege on their promises constantly.
"Sure, I'll take out the trash.
" "Oh, I'm gonna make you proud to have a son.
" "Oh, yes, of course I'll keep doing that thing you like after we get married.
" There's something you said you'd do, too.
I'm still waiting.
This family was built on false promises.
It's payback time.
Dre, this has nothing to do with the payback, and you know it.
This is about your issue with dogs.
- What are you talking about? - Mm I do not have an issue with dogs.
Okay? I promise.
Look at the dog.
- MAN: Wait, come back! - [Dog growling] - [Grunts] - [Dog squeals] Hey, what's your problem?! That's a dog, you monster! We should kick you! I had an issue with that dog for trying to bite off my daughter's face.
And those people treated me like a monster for protecting my baby.
And the Chihuahua was out for blood.
- Mm-hmm.
- You talking about that vicious beast - that tried to attack my grandbaby? - Oh, my God.
- Yes.
- Uh-huh.
You know how hard it would be - to love Zoey if she only had one eye? - Mm-hmm.
You saw what happened - to your cousin Leon.
- Yeah I had to stop inviting him to the family reunion 'cause he was just hard to look at.
To be fair, Mama, you didn't have to stop.
That was your personal choice.
Well, he was hideous.
It made me nauseous to look at him.
Okay, 12-year-old Leon aside, I actually think a dog would be really good for this family.
How are we gonna have a dog when we don't even know how many kids we have? We have five children, Dre.
Bow, we are not dog people.
How do you know that? Real Black people don't mess with dogs.
- Bonjour, family! - Hey! - I'm back! - Hey! Uh, it's a long story, but I was asked to leave France.
- Oh.
- Oh, this is Monsieur Luigi.
He's my emotional-support dog.
So glad you're here, but you're not helping my case.
I know a place where you'd never be asked to leave.
This is the one I was telling you about.
- [Luigi growls] - Be cool.
What's the matter, Dre? Bow and I were up all night arguing.
She's pressuring me to get a dog.
- [Overlapping celebration] - A dog?! Congratulations, Dre! That's far more exciting than last year's news about your fourth kid.
Five.
- Apparently, I have five kids.
- Wow.
- That's way too many.
- It's too many.
Start sleeping in separate beds.
I'm just not a dog guy.
Oh, I get it.
Because you're Black.
You know, a lot of Jewish people are afraid of German Shepherds.
So it's a cultural thing.
That makes a lot of sense, Dre.
Because you grew up in the hood where you were surrounded by vicious dogs that people bought for protection but they couldn't control.
So the dogs escaped, and then they just wandered the streets thirsty for blood.
Uh no.
Well, then it must be that because, during the civil-rights era, dogs were used as weapons against Black people by police and lynch mobs.
No, but it probably should be.
Oh, then it's got to be because during slave times they used "Negro Dogs" to track and hunt Black people down.
- Wow.
They did that? - Oh, yeah.
You know, all of those are amazing stories that I am going to use from here on out.
But to be honest, I don't want a dog.
- What?! - How is that possible? I am disappointed in you, Dre.
Black people love dogs, and Mexicans love roosters.
We all have our animals.
I, myself, take great pride in being a dog owner.
Matter of fact, Peaches and Herb won Best in Show three years straight.
Really? Westminster? It's pronounced West Covina.
[Barking] You all should come one day.
Attendance has been low ever since we lost that judge - to that wild Shih Tzu from Anaheim.
- DRE: What? Okay, at the end of the day, some people are dog people, some aren't.
I am not.
Well, does everyone in your family want a dog? You know I'm not so sure.
All right, everybody, listen up.
Since I don't like saying "no," but I do like being fair Since when? we are taking our decision to get a dog to a vote.
No fair! I got straight A's.
You promised.
I deserve this dog.
Spell "deserve," Jack.
Oh, boy.
My vote's a "yes.
" That's perfect.
A "yes.
" Now, whatever we decide collectively will be final.
No pouting, no tears, no take-backs.
Well, I think a dog is too much work.
What?! I'm the one who always gets stuck with the responsibility.
Oh, Junior I do not want another lizard situation [Inhales sharply] What is your purpose?! - I'm out! - DRE: Ah, That's my son.
- Follow your heart.
- Okay, well, you know what? I'm gonna follow my heart.
And my heart votes "yes.
" Well, my heart votes "no.
" I vote "no," too.
Ruby, you don't even know what we're voting on.
I don't need to know.
Dre came out of my body, so I side with him.
Mm.
Fine.
Well, Devante came out my body, - and he sides with me.
- [Quietly] Yeah! I told you you should've let me carry that child.
That's three votes for "yes" and three votes for "no," which makes Diane the tie-breaker.
And Diane is a cat person.
She hates dogs.
Isn't that right, baby girl? - I hate everything.
- Ah! [Chuckles] So, that's a [clicks tongue twice] "no.
" But I especially hate peace in this home.
Huh? I choose chaos.
Don't you do it, Diane.
Dog.
[Cheering] - Damn you, Diane! - Boom! The decision is final.
No pouting, no tears, no take-backs.
Gimme.
My.
Dog.
Playboy.
Ay, ay, ay Democracy's failed me again.
Aww, it's so cute.
So, looks like you'll be getting a dog.
And since I'm gonna be away at college getting, as the kids today would say, "lit," [chuckles] I'm gonna need to teach you how to take care of it.
And because time is limited, I'm gonna have to be the dog.
First test my glucosamine levels are low, so I'm gonna need you to get this pill into my mouth.
You cannot use cheese or peanut butter.
Go! Ptew! Come on, Jack.
My hip dysplasia isn't gonna correct itself.
[Chokes] [Gulps] - I can't wait to get a dog.
- [Coughs] - BOW: That one.
- JACK: Aww.
That one's so cute! Ooh, this one's not good around men.
That could make things interesting.
Hey, what are you guys doing? Oh, we're just looking at shelter dogs.
- Shelter dogs? - Yes, sir.
I don't want a "knock-off" dog! A what? I want something that's gonna get me robbed at gunpoint.
I-I want a name-brand dog, a dog with papers.
I want a Gucci.
We're not gonna get a dog from a breeder when millions of dogs are euthanized annually.
If I'm being forced to get a dog, I want to get something that's big, that's strong, that's strapping.
Like Like a Boxer named Manslaughter or or a Rott named Baby Get-Right.
- "Get-Right"? - Yeah.
I want people to cross the street when they see me coming, and not just because I'm a Black man.
Well, if you need an argument for a shelter dog, Luigi is - I don't.
- [Luigi whimpers] Need any help? - [Door closes] - I'm fine.
Yes.
You certainly are.
Okay.
Ruby, I need to say something.
While I'm here visiting, maybe we could cool it on the weird flirty stuff, okay? Flirty stuff? Yeah, you know, like the comment that you made yesterday.
And like how you're in my room now even though the door was closed.
And it was locked.
Oh, Johan.
I am so sorry.
I was simply complimenting you on your undeniable good looks.
Some might say you resemble a modern-day Lionel Richie.
I never meant to make you uncomfortable.
I feel terrible.
Really? So, we're cool? Oh, yeah.
We cool.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, you really think I look like Lionel? Maybe Commodores Lionel.
[Chuckles] Before he got money.
[Car engines revving on TV] Dude.
What the hell are you doing? I'm getting you ready for a big dog.
And big dogs love a lap.
Dude Junior, do you want me to chop you in your throat? Oh, I'm not Junior.
I'm a hundred-pound Rottweiler with leash aggression who thinks he's a lapdog.
Oh, my God.
You want a dog? I'll give you a dog.
It's time to prepare you for your new reality.
[Barking] Uh-oh! Look what I got into.
Dude! Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel! There's a squirrel! Junior, stop it.
We're trying to do our homework.
Oh.
Can I see that for a second? Dude! Ptew! Dog just ate your homework.
What is wrong with you?! [Sighs] Eugh.
Why is the floor wet? Because you were too lazy to take me out.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Great news, Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
- I found a Boxer Rescue.
So, you get to get the kind of dog you want and we get to rescue a dog and give it a good home! - Okay.
- So cool.
- And look.
This is Marla.
- Hey.
She is our rescue-placement coordinator.
This is my husband, Andre Johnson.
He's the He'll This is Dre.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
[Chuckles] What are you doing? Oh, it's just protocol.
It's my job to make sure there aren't any potential dangers around your home.
Is our child in danger? Oh, no, no.
Not him.
Not him.
The dog.
Babies can be extremely aggressive with pets - Mm.
- so Will the baby be spending much time inside the home? Lots of stairs.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, you know, dogs have legs.
[Both laugh] Some of them.
[Camera shutter clicks] - Oh.
- Ow.
So as you can see, we have a very dog-friendly car.
And, oh Third-row seating.
So, there's plenty of room for our family and a dog.
And then, oh Ah, look at that.
So easy.
Dog could probably do that with his nose! Just open that seat up.
We encourage you not to teach your dog to move things with his face.
Oh.
Great.
I didn't realize that.
So, you're both aware that someone is required to be at home with the dog at all times? - Mm-hmm.
- Good.
And your highest level of education is? Oh, uh, M.
D.
I'm a doctor.
- Wow.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- And you, Mr.
Johnson? Your highest level of education? Oh, B.
A.
Okay.
So, just college.
What do you mean, "just college"? It's just part of the process, Mr.
Johnson.
We're only trying to ensure that we place the animal in a suitable home.
"Suitable home"? We have a yard with a working water hose, which is more than I can say for my cousins who live in Inglewood! So, next you're probably gonna tell me that the dog is gonna need its own driver.
Is that what's happening now? No.
All we require is a well-balanced diet, shelter, standard health insurance.
Health insurance? For a dog? Dre, that totally makes sense.
I mean, we have seen patients at the hospital who did not have health insurance, and my God, that was a nightmare.
Okay, those patients are people, Bow.
And people are not dogs.
You're right.
Dogs are much more sensitive creatures.
- I kicked a dog! - Oh, my God.
- What? - Dre So, I bought myself some time on the dog issue and put my focus back into work.
And I think this is a really good campaign that's gonna help us bring these missing girls back home.
Okay, okay, look.
This is ridiculous! All right, whose idea was it to Bring Your Dog to Work Day? Your little discussion the other day on pets inspired us, Dre.
So, I guess it was your idea.
Lookit we have to go through an entire work week barely seeing our loved ones.
So, I thought, why not designate a Bring Your Loved One to Work Day? Okay, well why not Bring Your Spouse to Work Day, or Bring Your Kid to Work Day instead? Or A Girl You Met at the Club and You Want to Show Her that You Have a Job to Work Day.
And I thought you said you didn't even like dogs.
No.
I said I don't like German Shepherds.
But Ella-Jo here is a poodle.
[Baby talking] Aren't you? And you would never commit genocide, would you, Ella-Jo? No you wouldn't.
Oh, no, you wouldn't.
Is that $2,000 designer dog carrier? What's wrong? I have seen you carry your baby in a Gucci bjorn plenty of times.
Why can't my baby have the best, too? Because it's not a baby.
Well, for those of us who don't have children, we consider them our babies.
Dogs are way better than babies.
You never have to bail a dog out of jail.
You never have to send a dog away to boarding school till things blow over with the cops.
I miss Switzerland.
Dogs should not be in the workplace.
It's unsafe.
How do we know that one of these dogs isn't just gonna snap on somebody? Oh, Duke would never snap at anybody.
[Baby talking] Would you, David Duke? How would you know? He's an animal named David Duke.
Dre, you really need to calm down, okay? I had no idea that our dogs would make you so angry.
No.
You know what makes me angry? People giving more consideration to animals than people.
This country was more upset at Cecil the Lion's death than it was about Mike Brown.
- Who's Mike Brown? - The same thing with Katrina.
I remember you all up in here rallying to raise money for animals when people's lives were at stake.
Not true, Dre.
We raised money for the restoration of the Superdome.
We put the Wetzel's Pretzels in there.
Hello! You guys sound crazy.
Ain't that the truth, brother? [Chuckles] Wait a minute Where are Peaches and Herb? [Barking] By the time I got home, I decided I didn't need any more creative ways to say "no.
" We are not getting a dog Which seems to be the right idea, since there's no one watching you.
Where's everybody at, huh? Once I told my family we weren't getting a dog, I was immediately iced out.
Hey, guys! Who wants some frozen yogurt? I'm buying.
Junior? What's your problem, man? You didn't even want the dog.
No.
But I put in 24 thankless hours to prepare the twins for one.
I let them crate me.
Fine.
More frozen yogurt for me.
Move, Johan.
Are you upset about the dog thing, too? - Actually, I'm kind of upset about Ruby.
- What? She seems to have forgotten I even exist.
All of her lack of attention has made me vulnerable.
Suddenly, I'm insecure and needy.
Tell me I'm enough.
So, a woman whose advances drove you to file a restraining order from another country is now someone that you miss? Desperately.
Well, I tried everything.
I even offered Jack to drive your car, and he told me to go take a flying leaf.
Ooh.
Wow.
He did not get straight A's.
Well, you know what, Dre? You get what you deserve.
You put your selfish feelings about dogs above everybody else's.
Am I being selfish? Look, we have enough going on with our family and our kids.
I just didn't want another thing to be responsible for.
What are you responsible for? Name one thing and not your sneakers.
Well, I don't know.
Dre, a dog is not a thing.
I mean, growing up, our dog was like It was like part of our family.
In ninth grade - Mm-hmm.
- I had mono.
And I had to be in bed for a whole month.
And Goddess just sat with me the whole time.
And I felt so much less lonely.
I know that you see it as just an animal, but they can be so much more.
I mean I felt like like she was a friend.
But I have real friends.
You know, sometimes, as a parent, you need to put your children's wants above your own [Groans] even when it's hard.
Don't make this the hill you die on.
- Uh, Ruby? - Mm? Have you seen Luigi? I think he might've gotten out.
I could really use some emotional support right about now.
Aww, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
I'll keep my eyes open.
Wait.
Maybe you could be my emotional support? Johan, you were very clear about how I made you feel.
Now, I don't want you to be uncomfortable.
No, I-I'm comfortable.
This is actually helping.
I can feel myself settling down.
Well, good.
Good.
I'm glad.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
[Inhales] Would it be more supportive if I took my top off? I'm not sure.
DRE: Hey, guys! Daddy's got a surprise! - He's so cute! - Aww! So cute! Where'd you get him? Well, I found him at a shelter.
Aww.
He's amazing.
I love you, Baby Get-Right! I'm so proud of you.
You sacrificed a tough dog for the kids.
Yeah, I'll take this one right here.
[Barking] Okay! Okay! Give me this one.
Well, you know I wanted the kids to have what they wanted.
Yes, of course.
- Yeah.
- Ooh! I'll feed him first! No, me.
I'll walk him.
Well, I mean, maybe I can pitch in and help if you guys want.
You don't have to do all the work.
It's okay, Junior.
You can go ahead and give the lizard a bath.
- Yeah.
He's not gonna bathe himself.
- Mm-hmm.
- Eh.
- Go give the lizard a bath.
Okay.
[Baby talking] Hi, honey.
Hi.
[Sports announcer commentating] Hey you and me are not cool, understand? Pfft.
Man, I got five kids.
That look does not work on me.
Oh.
Oh.
[Chuckles] Okay.
Your nose is all wet and tickly.
Okay.
All right.
[Baby talking] You're such a good boy.
Yeah.
Yeah, come here.
Come here.
Oh.
So cute and soft.
Oh, wow.
[Chuckles] You like it when I call you cute and soft? You like it when I pat your belly like this? Like me to pet your belly? [Chuckles] - [Normal voice] Watch the game a minute.
- [Door opens] Okay, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
All right.