Black-ish (2014) s05e22 Episode Script

Is it Desert or Dessert?

1 ANNOUNCER: What is an undesirable emotional response to the threat of pain or danger? DRE: Fear! I live in fear every day.
And if you don't, there's something wrong with you.
Oh, oh, oh.
Easy.
It's just the Black experience makes some of us acutely aware that danger's lurking around every corner.
Watch the kicks, Big D.
All right, you got it.
And if you're not careful, you will get got.
- What's up, Charlie? - What up, dawg? Dre you have got to try these Blue Point oysters.
They are Mmm! [Dramatic music plays] Fear! - I'm good.
- What? They're delicious! Come on.
Hey [Chanting] Dre! He's Dre.
[Retching] Oh, God.
What happened? What could've caused this? I don't know, boss.
It was probably something we ate before the oysters.
And danger lurks everywhere, even at home.
Uhp! Got a text from the Pruitts.
They will be here in 10 minutes.
Hey, should we light a fire in the fireplace? [Gasps] That would be so cozy.
[Dramatic music plays] Fear! Or we could just turn the thermostat up.
That That would be cozy, too.
I'll light it, Mom.
[Gas hissing] [Lighter clicking] [Hissing continues] - [Explosion] - Oh, hell! [Gasps] Oh, it's it's It's not so bad, sweetheart.
Really? You look like a dolphin.
What? [Imitating dolphin] As you can see, my reasonable and life-saving fear did not get passed on to my children.
Dad, you know Emily and Dakota Copeland, right? No.
I don't.
[Sighs] But they sound white, so go on.
Well, they go to Valley Glen with us, and their parents are taking them to ride quads in the desert for the weekend.
- Okay.
- And Hmm, I wonder who they invited? - Was it me? - Uh, yes it was! - Was it you? - Yes.
It was! And can you be abducted in plain sight? Uh, no, you can't.
[Chuckles] Skrrt.
What What just happened? Uh, Mom, your husband said "no" after you said "yes.
" Check him, please.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, wait a minute.
Did you tell these kids that they could go die in the desert with strangers? Yes, Dre, but I made them promise that they wouldn't die.
Do you promise you're not gonna die? BOTH: We promise.
See? We have rules, Bow.
Oh, God.
And one of them is no overnight trips until they're 16.
Dre, our rules have eased up with each one of our children.
Zoey couldn't use the microwave until she was 12 years old.
Look at us now.
[Yawns] Ah, hey, what's up, Devante? You hungry? Go put it in the microwave.
Two minutes, all right? And bring back two forks! All right.
Look, but we were never lax on this rule, all right? The twins are too young to go off with strangers.
Strangers drive vans and wear overcoats.
The Copelands are school friends.
Dad, please.
I've got to learn the desert.
I'm gonna need to bury something out there one day.
- What? - Yeah.
And I've never been to a place where you can literally pee anywhere and it's okay.
I don't care.
Anything can happen when a parent isn't there to look after their child.
Mama, what was the name of that kid, uh, from the old neighborhood? You talking about, uh, Chris Hardy? - Mm-hmm.
- Who got tooken at the zoo.
And And And the other one.
Little Danielle Cooper, who got tooken at a sleep-away camp.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh! And don't forget Gordon Campbell, who got tooken trying to took that little girl.
Those are really extreme examples.
- Okay, no, babe - So Yes.
- the world is a dangerous place, okay? - No, it's not, sweetheart.
That's why I keep the kids who live under my roof under my roof.
- Okay.
- [Sighs] Go wash your hands, and clean your attitude.
That was a little hankty.
[Scoffs] - Dre? - Hmm? They have cellphones.
They know not to leave each other alone.
Mm-hmm.
And we've had tons of conversations with them about body safety.
They're gonna be fine.
Yeah, of course they're gonna be fine, babe, because they're not going.
You know he's right not to let them kids go.
Okay, I'm not gonna have a conversation with somebody who thinks "tooken" is a word.
- [Chuckles] - It's not a word.
- Rainbow.
- Yes? I'm not gonna took that personally.
You You probably should.
Yeah.
Thanks for taking me out, Pops.
It's nice to have some one-on-one time.
Well, I was tired of you moping around the house after your break-up.
Plus, you're paying.
- [Chuckles] - Uh, we're gonna hang at the bar.
Thank you.
Looking good, Nadine.
You still walking around the park in the morning? I sure am.
Those ankle weights are doing the thing, girl.
This is my man, Andre.
Hey.
So, how do you know Nadine? Oh, uh, we hung out once horizontally.
Nice lady.
[Chuckles] Dirty martini for you, sir, from the woman over there.
Ohh.
I see you in that dress, Camille.
Lifting with your legs at that Amazon factory.
[Chuckles] This is my man, Andre.
Hey.
- Who is she? - Camille.
Very nice lady.
Can I get you anything? I'll just have a seltzer with a splash of O.
J.
Can't handle your liquor? Oh.
[Chuckles] Well, no, I'm just I'm just not 21.
The mustache fooled ya.
Don't worry, you are not the first one.
Last week, I wasn't carded at an R-rated movie.
You know, no bigs.
[Chuckles] Damn, son.
For 19 years, you have observed the master, and you seem to have learned nothing.
You have got to up your game, Junior.
Well, my game is no game.
Yeah, that's not a thing.
Hmm.
I brought you top-shelf O.
J.
because you're cute.
Are you busy later? Not at all.
Oh, I-I-I Actually, that isn't true.
I do have one thing, but I can move it.
Great.
Damn.
Looks like I'm taking an Uber home.
Yep.
Looks like you are.
- [Dre sighs] - Oh, what's wrong, Dre, huh? Did another thing ruin "Empire"? What? No.
Bow wants to send our kids to their death by having them spend the weekend with a random family.
- What's the problem with that? - Yeah.
My parents made sure I spent every holiday, birthday, and weekend with other families.
I got so much out of it, I'm still unpacking those trips with my therapist.
Come on, Dre.
You can't keep your kids locked down.
- I let Eustace spread his wings.
- Mm-hmm.
Now he's become a confident, independent little entrepreneur.
In fact, he bought his first apartment building.
Wow.
He's now my landlord.
You don't get it.
All right, anything can happen when they're not in my sight.
Like, they could get their arms stuck in a boulder.
Or they could get abducted by some religious cult and kept on some weird compound.
Oh, please.
Yeah, where they're forced to rock denim on denim.
That's weird.
I hate when that happens.
Look, it's up to me to look out for them, because the world sees little Black children as expendable.
You never see a Netflix documentary about missing Black kids.
So? You You never see a documentary about middle-aged white guys who can't get an erection, but you don't hear me complaining.
Yeah.
Look, all I'm saying is, I don't trust anyone with my children.
Um, not totally true.
You let that ride-share driver pick up your kids from a Clippers game when you wanted to stay late.
That was only for a 15-minute ride, and I stayed on the phone with my children the entire time.
Plus, that driver was not some geek off the street.
Garbadon had 4.
9 stars.
- [Cellphone rings] - [Laughing] Okay.
Oh! [Chuckles] Sorry.
It's my landlord.
Mr.
Eustace? Hey.
My rent check bounced? [Chuckles] Just Dre, what about teachers or coaches? I mean, you've already left them with a ton of adults who could do whatever to them.
STEVENS: Mm-hmm.
You know what, you're right.
From now on, I'm gonna be even more on top of it.
I think you missed the point.
Just hearing my co-workers made me realize that I was absolutely right.
There's no way my kids were going on that trip.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- About the twins - Uh-huh.
going away with the Copelands.
Look, babe, I told you it's not happening.
I don't know these people.
- Well, I do, okay? - Okay.
And you are gonna get to know them, too, right now.
You remember Amy and Banner.
[Dramatic music plays] [Shrieks] Fear! [Whimpers] Compound people! We're here to take your children.
Twins will please our god the most.
Is he all right? - He's never really all right.
- Yeah.
His mother did quite a number on him.
- You ambushed me.
- What? Marriage is supposed to be about trust.
So, you're telling me that if I had told you in advance the Copelands were coming, you would've trusted it was a good idea? No, because trust is a one-way street.
This isn't rational.
Sometimes you get scared because you're doing things that are outside of your comfort zone.
Name one.
- Korean barbecue.
- [Gong rings] This was a great call to come here, babe.
Mm.
Ah.
[Dramatic music plays] [Shrieking] I don't know what that is.
I don't know how to cook that.
I don't know what's happening.
I don't want to die here! O-Okay, Bow.
I don't want your fear to ruin something that could be really fun for the kids.
- Hey.
- Hi, guys.
DIANE: Hey, guys.
You lock down your man yet? No.
She hasn't.
Come on.
I want this trip.
If it doesn't happen, I'm going to remember this when you're old and feeble.
- What? - What? I'm not threatening.
I'm just saying.
JACK: Mm.
That was a threat.
That's how she threatens.
Ooh.
This is what we put out for company? Okay.
It Trust me, okay? They're gonna be fine.
I'm a doctor.
What does that have to do with anything? I don't know, dude.
Just go over there and talk to them.
All righty.
- Here you go.
- Wow.
[Sighs] You know what's funny? The kids have been BBin school together for so lo, and we've never done this.
Probably because we've been so busy doing all those murders.
What? - I'm kidding.
- [Laughter] We know Bow invited us because you don't trust us to take your kids.
Okay, but but I didn't quite say that.
I It was I It's 'cause I wanted Okay, well, why should we trust you with our kids? I-I don't see yours.
What happened? Did you lose them? [Laughs] No.
They're with my mother who has completed CPR training.
Huh.
She did not want to do it, but if she wanted to see her grandkids, that's the price that she had to pay.
Okay.
Go on.
Before the kids get on the ATVs, they have to complete a two-hour training session with written and verbal tests.
And if one kid fails, none of them go.
- None of them.
- Some people think it's a little much.
[Gasps] I'm a little much.
Yeah, but I don't care what other people say.
Neither do I! As a pediatrician, I see what happens to kids who are unsupervised.
You You're a pediatrician? Wow! It makes me feel better knowing that my kids will be with a doctor.
Listen, our family motto is, "You can never be too safe.
" That's my motto! Yes, it is.
See? Huh? Dre, lock eyes with me.
I did not save my entire platoon in Fallujah just to come back here and lose your kids in the desert.
Thank you for your service.
And you can have my kids.
[Chuckles] I also have a 19-year-old.
Can you take him along with you? He could use some toughening up.
[Laughs] I did this.
I did this, Dre.
I This is, like, all all me.
Oh, my God.
I live in the guest house because I gave the main house to my son.
He's got a family, after all.
Hey there, Earl.
Hey, Junior.
What you doing back here? I-I came to scoop up Sasha.
A second date? [Chuckles] Man, I don't get that.
They call me Earl "One and Done" Johnson, like I played ball at Kentucky.
Ah.
Well, um, I'm gonna invite her to a music festival in Santa Barbara tomorrow.
You just got out of a relationship.
This is love 'em and leave 'em time, son.
Oh, Pops.
[Chuckles] No, that's your thing.
I don't hate women.
Hey, Sasha.
What's up, girl? It was Saturday night, and while the kids were on their adventure in the desert, I decided to go on a little adventure of my own back to Korean barbecue.
- [Sniffs] Mm.
Baby, this is nice.
- So nice.
- And you know what, babe? - Mm? Let's see a movie after this.
Oh, I love that idea.
- Oh! Even better.
- Hmm? Why don't we take the long way home, Dre? Okay.
Via the Ritz-Carlton.
We haven't via'd the Ritz-Carlton in a minute.
No, honey.
We have not.
Okay, baby, you know what? - You book the room.
- I'll do it right now.
I'll check in with the kids to make sure they don't interrupt us later.
Okay.
- Oh, hey, babe.
- Mm-hmm? Don't worry about using points.
Full price? Full price.
- Sexy.
- Mm-hmm.
DIANE: Hi, this is Diane.
If you leave a message, I'm deleting your contact info.
[Voicemail beeps] Fear? Diane went to voicemail.
Really? Don't leave a message.
You know she doesn't mess around.
- Yeah.
- [Laughs] I'll call Jack.
JACK: You dialed right, baby.
- This is Jack.
- [Voicemail beeps] [Dramatic music plays] Fear! Jack went to voicemail, too.
Mm, they're probably just in a spot that has no coverage.
You can call them on the way to the hotel.
Yeah.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Mm-hmm.
- Definitely.
Uh - Look at this.
All right.
We are booked, babe.
Okay.
Oh, hey, hey, babe? Look, I think that's Jose Canseco - sitting over there with no shirt on.
- What? I'm I'm gonna ask for an autograph.
- I'll be right back.
- [Laughing] You're ridiculous.
Oh, no, wait, I don't think that's who you think it is.
Well, I've got a lot of work to catch up on, so I'm gonna need at least eight hours of sleep tonight.
Fine, seven and a half.
I'll go grab my things.
Hey.
Let me holler at you.
Yeah.
- I do not hate women.
- What? Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't I didn't mean it like that.
I meant you treat women like you hate them.
Just You talking out the side of your neck, now, boy.
Pops, you hook up with women, and then you never call them again.
It's harsh.
It's not harsh.
It's honest.
It's better than your M.
O.
- And what's that? - Oh, meet a girl and wife her up.
You did with Megan.
You did it with Niecy.
You the type of guy that'll wind up being a step-daddy at the age of 20.
I will take that as a compliment.
I would be proud to be the dad that they get to choose.
Hey.
Keep an eye on my grandpa for me, will you? He's not allowed to have grapefruit juice with his medication.
We out.
See they call me "M'granpa.
" It's African.
Dre.
Dude, you've been gone for 20 minutes.
I had to order more meat so I could stay at the table.
Yeah, yeah.
Baby, I still haven't been able - to get in contact with the kids.
- Oh.
And Missing Persons hung up on me when I told them I knew where they were and who they were with and that I gave them permission to go.
Okay, um They're in the desert with a man who's trained to survive the desert.
- Mm-hmm.
- They're fine.
Okay.
I mean, you know, it makes sense.
But, you know, he did only say he was in the war.
And on the real, baby, we never asked him what side he fought for.
- What? - And is Amy even really a pediatrician? - Dre, please don't do this.
- Do what? I got to find Jack and Diane.
Dre Dre, you can't you cannot drive a luxury vehicle - off-road in the desert.
- Watch me.
[Metallic cranking] I guess you can't take a luxury vehicle off-roading in the desert! [Bow scoffs] There you have it.
You ruined a car and a pair of shoes.
I don't care, Bow.
I don't know where my children are.
Oh, my God, Dre, why can't you just accept that they're fine? Because we don't know.
Well [Sighs] What if Jack is out there lost because he wandered off in the middle of the night? What if Diane is hurt because she fell off an ATV? Babe, I can't shake the thought of my children calling out for me, and I'm not there.
Imagine that for a second.
Yeah.
Okay.
I get that.
I do.
I remember when Zoey went off to college.
The first time I called her and she didn't answer the phone Oh, my God.
I went to her room, and I folded and refolded her sweater drawer 26 times.
Now that's insane.
Maybe, but it calmed me down.
It made me feel like she was okay.
Really? Really.
Dre, we have done everything the right way.
Yeah.
So, now, we just have to find ways to cope that are better than driving off to the desert in the middle of the night and leaving me alone at a Korean barbecue to take an Uber home smelling like beef! Yeah.
Yeah, we do.
You know, I hit a tumbleweed out there.
- Did you? - I think it was a tumbleweed.
It made a loud yelp.
What? Yeah.
The desert's weird like that.
[Sighs] Hey, Pops.
What you doing here, Junior? I thought you was on a date with your new lady friend.
Or did you marry her already? [Scoffs] I invited Sasha to meet Mom, and she freaked out.
Damn, son.
She called me "thirsty," then kicked me out.
Damn, son! You were right, Pops.
I need to stop being the relationship guy and be more like you you know, love them, leave them, get shot, come back, love them.
Junior, I don't want you to change.
I just want you to have a little fun.
Take some space to figure out what you want before you decide to commit.
I hear you, Pops.
And I thought about what you said.
I'm gonna ask Nadine out again.
Ankle lady? Really? I could go for the second date, see what all the fuss is about.
[Chuckles] Good for you, Pops.
Yep.
And if that works out, maybe I'll ask Marsha on a second date.
Oh, yeah, and maybe Ruth.
Okay.
[Grunts] Ooh.
Yeah.
And Mary.
Quite contrary.
Ooh, she's hella fine.
Everyone copes in different ways with the fear of their kids being out in the real world.
I did it by taking in their rooms.
And, yeah, it made me feel closer to them.
But I only did it six times that night.
I'm not insane like Bow.
And I came down the next morning - to the sweetest sound ever.
- [Laughter] So, when you pee on sand, there's all this back splash.
Who knew? No one, because we're not animals.
DRE: Yes, you are.
[Laughs] - Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
So, did you guys have fun? Yeah.
It was great.
The Copelands let us sleep on top of the RV and do target practice.
With what? Huh? Well, in a few months, they're gonna be going to Joshua Tree.
Can we go? Sure.
Hey, but make sure you tell your mother, because she gets a little weird when you guys go away.
Okay.
And a little later, the three of us can go get some ice cream.
- BOTH: Okay.
- All right.
Hey, come here.
I missed you guys.
- [Dramatic music plays] - We missed you, too.
Love.
[Whispering] But still fear.
Hey.
- Hey.
- You're up late.
Yep.
[Sighs] Goodnight, son.
Were you up waiting on me? Hell no.
[Scoffs] I do some of my best reading at midnight on Wednesday.
Okay, look at this, Pops.
You were waiting on me.
Man, you got a list of all my hang-outs crossed off.
You You called the hospitals? [Sighs] Pops, you do love me.
No, I don't.
It's just that, if something happened to you, I got to find a new place to live.
- I love you, too, Pops.
- [Door slams]