Black-ish (2014) s06e01 Episode Script

1 DRE: No matter how you grow up, summer is a season of change, and this summer was no different for our family.
Junior moved on from his gap year JUNIOR: What's good, NYC? - and was now out on his own - What's good, Chi Town? managing social media for Migos.
What's good, Sam Peterson's Bar Mitzvah? Jack and Diane were headed for 8th grade, so they were finally done with those school uniforms that made them look like tiny black missionaries.
Mm-hmm! Ooh! Looking good, Diane.
- I didn't ask.
- Eh Sprinkle in a few earth-shaking life events [RUMBLING.]
Earthquake! Everybody up! Babe, I'll get the kids! I'll get the kids! I'm coming! Babe, the Clippers signed Kawhi! And Paul George! Ah! Everybody up! I'll get the emergency champagne! This is our year! This is our year! Yep, the Johnson family was finally ready to settle down after a crazy summer.
POPS: Ha-ha! Great news, y'all! I'm getting married.
Oh! My God.
What's that you say about getting married, now? I'm getting married! What are you talking about, you're getting married? I didn't even know you were seeing anyone.
What are we, friends? Mom, i-is Pops dying? Mm, no, sweetheart.
He's fine.
Right? Either way, I'm gonna need a black dress.
I'm fine.
Diane, Jack, I'm fine.
In fact, it's the best I've felt in years.
Well, congratulations, Earl.
Well, thank you, Ruby.
Mm.
I had no idea you would react that way.
What are we, friends? Now, who is this girl whose life and credit you're about to ruin? Her name is Lynette, and I gotta tell y'all [INHALES SHARPLY.]
she's the one.
And how do you know? 'Cause every time I see her, Anita Baker's "Sweet Love" plays in my head and my heart.
Hmm.
Do you also smell burnt toast? Because that could be a stroke.
What's your con, old man? Hmm? What is she? The heiress to Tommy Bahama or something? [GASPS.]
Better yet, does she need one of your kidneys? Better not.
Those kidneys are mine.
It's the only thing I won in the divorce.
Thank you very much, Johnnie Cochran and Associates.
- Huh.
- I know y'all got questions, but you'll just have to wait 'til you meet Lynette Friday at family dinner.
- RUBY: Mm.
- [TAPS COUNTER.]
Everybody be there.
Excuse me.
I have to change.
I'm late for something called "tapas.
" [CLAPS HANDS.]
You know, it's great that he's finally found love.
What he found was a 25-year-old yoga instructor with low self-esteem whose name is Love.
Dad, that's the best-case scenario.
It's probably one of those twins Zoey hangs out with.
[GASPS.]
Guys, Pops will be Pops.
All we have to do is get through this dinner.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- Baby.
- Yeah? Can you make sure we have some Martinelli's in the house just in case this girl is too young to drink? Mm.
She may not be old enough, but if she's with Pops, she drinks.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Quavo.
Yeah, I'm home.
You know how I do.
Keeping it juicy.
[LAUGHS.]
[REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, sorry, Quavo.
Yeah, no, I'll catch you on the flip side.
See you later.
Sorry, guys.
That was one-third of the Migos.
The Quavo third.
But can we go back to how you're "keeping it juicy"? And then never go back there again? [LAUGHS.]
I like you guys.
You keep me grounded.
So, it has been a hot minute.
How are things going in the real world? Well, uh, here on Planet Earth, we make sure people don't wear shirts that make them look like the Kool-Aid Man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you sweet, stupid baby.
Your little jabs you know, they don't hurt like they used to.
You know you're talking to Diane, right? I'm cool, Jack.
You know, hanging with rappers, it helps you to develop a thick skin.
Too bad your mustache didn't get the memo, Longhead.
See? Don't even feel it.
Shh.
Gotta take this.
[BEEP.]
Hey.
Cardi B! Yeah, Junior J.
here.
He is out of the house one summer, - and he thinks he can disrespect me? - Mnh-mnh.
You got that Diane look like you're about to do a murder.
Go get my kit, Jack.
I don't think that seems Get my kit! Oh.
No need to say anything else.
I hear your dad's getting married, so I got him two tickets to Disneyland for Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge.
Now, whether he takes me or I take his fiancée and it can happen if I focus someone's gonna be drinking some blue milk.
You're probably gonna have to take somebody else, Charlie.
I doubt my father's getting married.
Oh, no, Dre.
I owe Jabba too many credits to just be venturing alone in the wild frontiers of Batuu.
Hey, there he is! We, uh, we heard the news.
Old Sex Factory Johnson - snagged himself a young bride, huh? - Mm-hmm.
And with no money, to an American woman.
- I mean, the degree of difficulty - Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Wow! - Okay, guys just calm down, all right? As soon as she drags him to a Ty Dolla $ign concert, it's over.
My pops is not the marrying type, all right? He needs his freedom.
People can change.
Unh-unh.
Not my pops, man.
Well, hey, maybe your dad just needed the right circumstances to change, right? L-Like after a breakup, where she changes her number and you change your body weight.
STEVENS: Change can be hard unless we're talking about climate change, which is not real, okay? Summers are supposed to be hot, everybody! I knew a guy who wouldn't change for anything.
Unless he got angry.
Then he'd rip his shirt off, turn green, and wreck a city block.
Charlie, are you talking about the Incredible Hulk? Absolutely not.
Talking about this drunk Irish guy.
Love Fitzy.
See, you gotta have your white friends, Dre.
It's all about balance.
I don't have to worry about any of that, all right? Because the day my dad changes is the day he starts feeding the homeless.
Outstanding, Dre.
N-Now that we have solved your problem, we can move on to mine.
Connor is in Iran.
Not again.
Oh.
Those idiots could say all they wanted, but after 45 years of life with Earl Johnson, I know that man better than he knows himself.
[POPS LAUGHS.]
Hey, Dre, Bow, this is Lynette.
Thi Lynette! Hi! Isn't she lovely? - Hold up, um - Huh? [WHISPERING.]
So, Lynette's mama is also named Lynette? - Okay, stop it, sweetie.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, it is so great to finally meet you! - Oh Look at this! Okay! All right.
Oh! [ANITA BAKER'S "SWEET LOVE" PLAYS.]
Oh, my goodness! I am so blessed.
Hear me calling out your name He hasn't kissed me since "Motown 25"! What the [BLEEP.]
is going on here?! As the night went on, the surprises kept coming.
There was Lynette, Lynette's grown-man son Doug, and a Pops I'd never seen before.
- He made her a plate.
- Yes.
- You comfortable? - Mm-hmm.
I have never seen that man put anything on a plate for anybody.
That is so sweet.
- Yeah, you would think that.
- Oh, go away.
So, Lynette, you know, Pops has been real quiet about this whirlwind romance you guys have.
We don't know anything about you.
Like, zero.
Do you have a job? Oh, Earl didn't say? No.
I'm a judge in the L.
A.
County Court system.
A judge? Here, in our our home? Okay, uh, well, will you excuse me? I need to dispose of nothing.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING RAPIDLY.]
I'm sorry I just can't get over the fact that you're engaged.
- RAINBOW: Oh! - Tell me how did you meet? Well, we met at a party, and Earl overheard me saying that I had been divorced.
And I said, "So, you in the club?" Aah! That is exactly the way he said it! Oh, and we started talking, and I must have mentioned going to this coffee shop.
Then, one Monday, there was Earl, reading the paper.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
Then on Tuesday, with the paper and my coffee.
Then Wednesday, and Thursday And Friday, I said, "Girl, you ready for something stronger?" [LAUGHTER.]
We've been in love ever since.
That's so beautiful.
Hold on.
Man, you don't even drink coffee.
- I don't.
- [LAUGHS.]
RAINBOW: Aww.
Good move, Pops.
Everybody, hey-hey.
Hey, Mama.
- Hey, Ruby.
- Mm.
This is Lynette.
This woman right here? This is Lynette? Yep.
Uh-huh.
The woman you're gonna marry? This is her? That's me.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
Look at you.
- Come here, girl.
- Ohh! Come and give me a hug! Come on! - [LAUGHS.]
There you go! - [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Let me guess you drink Sauvignon Blanc? Let me get you a house pour.
- Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's so nice.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
Well.
You can just charm anybody, can't you? I'm just trying to keep up with you, Earl.
- [DOOR THUDS.]
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Um I think we're okay.
Just don't let her inside the garage.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE.]
What? Well, that went way too well.
What are you up to, Ruby? I'm genuinely happy for Earl.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I'm happy that old dog is finally slowing down.
- Mm.
- Can't keep up with them young women anymore.
[CHUCKLES.]
Had to go find himself a knock-off Ruby Johnson.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
So you're really okay that he's getting married? Please, Rainbow.
I could have been married four times over by now.
- Now, you know that, right? - Okay.
And let me tell you something - Charles S.
Dutton - Uh-huh.
bought me an above-ground hot tub.
Okay? So, I am fine.
- Okay.
- Lynette! - Hey - Got your wine, baby! - Where - H-Hey! - Where Where is - Here you go, baby! Where is the hot tub? Wait - You know how he is.
- I don't.
So, then, Takeoff, he says to me, "This is how you make it in the rap game.
" Y You know what? You know what? I [SCOFFS.]
I can't even finish this story.
I signed an NDA.
But, uh, I can tell you what happened on a yacht.
- Okay.
- Right? But again, I just asked if you could point me to the bathroom.
Oh! Right.
Uh, my apologizes.
This way.
Nah, this isn't right.
If Junior had a good yacht story or if Junior had any yacht story he'd find a way to spill it.
Come on, Diane.
Now that Junior's signed to the NBA, we should be nice to him.
Maybe we can see the yacht on his Instagram.
Wait.
Hold up.
Look he's wearing the same shirt in every post.
There's no way he was hanging out with the Migos all summer.
Looks like Icarus flew too close to the sun in his Gucci wool.
You're right.
That's what I was thinking.
That Icarus.
I mean, his album was fire You don't have to know, Jack.
Got a call.
Sorry I was late.
Quavo was pitching me new interjections.
He was starting to feel "Unh!" But he was getting tired of "Yuh!" You know, "Whoo!" is kind of D.
O.
A.
So it's no big deal.
Now that we're all here, son, got something I've been meaning to ask you.
- Ha! Here it comes.
- What Of course you needed money.
Finally, it's all starting to come together.
Here, take this hundred, Pops.
Hey, man, just take the money.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um I was gonna ask you if you'd be my best man.
[GASPS.]
Oh! Oh.
Uh Yeah, sure, I could be your best man.
RAINBOW: Okay.
Okay.
I got this.
All right.
To the happy couple.
If love were rocket fuel, we could go to the moon.
Ohh! [LAUGHS.]
POPS: Listen, y'all, I just want everyone to know I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life, and it's all down to the love of a good woman.
A good woman? Oh, hell no.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
[LYNETTE AND POPS HUMMING.]
- DRE: Yeah, look at them.
- RAINBOW: [CHUCKLING.]
What? - He's drunk.
- What? Dre, Pops asked you to be his best man.
- That is what you've always wanted.
- I know.
Every time you blow out your birthday candles, that's exactly what you're wishing for.
That's exactly it.
The man I know would have never asked me to be his best man.
Mm-hmm.
[HUMMING CONTINUES.]
I don't even recognize this guy.
He's not the settling-down type.
Baby, he loves, then leaves.
The Pops I know would never allow himself to be caught giggling.
Hey, what you staring at? You never seen two people dancing together to music that's not playing? You know, this is crazy.
I'm trying to find out what your game is.
Well, I'll tell you.
It's simple.
I'm in love, sweet love, Dummy.
"A good woman.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Unh.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Yo.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Is it me, or is this all kind of out of nowhere? Exactly.
And how is it that we're the only two that notice this? I don't know! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I mean, they barely know each other.
And they're so different.
- Yeah.
- I mean, my mom's a judge.
- My pops is not.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- No, he isn't.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, we all know his type.
60s, never really settled down Oh, he has never settled down.
- rolling stone - Oh.
going where the wind takes him Oh, and the wind is blowing.
probably running a credit scam, has multiple IDs, always has a bag packed in the trunk Uh, I mean, you know, who don't have a bag packed in the trunk? first-name basis at the strip club and the track Well, the track.
But, you know, he don't really throw money new girl on his arm every single night.
Mm.
Never faithful.
Well, hey, hey.
Hey, hold on, man.
He's faithful to your mama, all right? Dude is in love.
Hey, bruh he fixed her a plate.
Oh, so I'm supposed to ignore all that other stuff because he put some olives on a plate? There were also meats, Doug.
What is your problem, man? He's changed.
- Sure he has.
- No.
He has.
He's dipping your mother to music only they can hear.
He's giggling.
He's saying nice stuff about me in front of my family.
Bruh, he's changed.
Whatever.
I don't think you hear me, man.
He's changed.
Look, man I'm not gonna be talked to like that.
I talk how I wanna talk in my house, Doug.
Because my pops has changed.
- Oh, he's changed, huh? - Yes, he's changed.
- Oh, he's changed, huh? - He's changed! - Changed, huh? - Yeah! - My father has changed! - He's changed? Changed? - What's going on?! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, - hey, hey, hey, hey! - That's enough of that, now! - He's changed! - DOUG: Oh, he's changed, huh? Order! Order! Order in the dining room! Yes, Your Honor.
My pops has changed.
I'm sorry about these boys, Lynette.
Guess next time, we'll just have to get the boxing gear out of the garage.
[GASPS.]
Stay out of the garage! It's a mess in there.
- Hey.
- Mm? Hey.
What was that? I haven't seen that version of Dre since you got banned from Little League.
You need to go apologize.
I can't admit fault.
- What? - Lynette's a judge.
Anything I say in front of her can and will be used against me in a court of law.
That's not how this works, Dre.
Oh, so, what? Are you a lawyer now, too? Could've been.
- He started it.
- He He was acting as if Pops was a deadbeat! Dre, you call your dad a deadbeat all the time.
That's how you labeled his Netflix profile.
Because he was a deadbeat.
That's all I knew my whole life, a-a-and now he's turned into this guy? Isn't that a good thing? No! I always thought Pops did the best he could.
Now it turns out he could have did better.
He just decided not to.
And I don't get why.
Just talk to your dad.
Okay.
On my time.
If that's what I decide.
But not because of you.
Okay.
I had that idea on my own.
'Course you did.
So, "Walk It Talk It" is a great encore, Quavo, but "Stir Fry" - that is - Oh, my God.
Is that Quavo? Put him on speaker.
I want to say hi.
Oh, uh [CHUCKLES.]
can't.
You know, uh confidential rap stuff, secret lyrics codes, you know, remixes.
- Ohhh.
- You guys get it.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I get it.
Understood.
- Yeah.
You got to keep it professional, so - Yeah, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
So, Quavious, as I was saying, my [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
FEMALE VOICE: The affirmation hotline all good, all the time, - just like you.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
What gave me away? You wore the same shirt in every post.
Like a real Icarus.
So, Junior looks like I got you over a barrel.
Any last words? Okay, guys, Migos brought me on for one tour, and it turns out it was a really short tour, and I made this big deal about going out on my own, but when things went bad, I didn't know how to tell anybody, and I bought all this Bitcoin, and, Diane, please, don't tell Mom.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you sweet, stupid baby.
Unlike you, I don't lie to live.
I lie for fun.
And besides, your sad spin-out was the lamest thing I've ever seen.
You're no threat to me.
And you should be able to tell Mom about your job when you're ready.
Diane, thank you - Oh, yeah, she not done.
- Now, we can agree that I've done something for you, and one day, I'll ask you to do something for me.
When the time comes, you'll know.
You'll want to renew your passport.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
So, Pops [SMACKS LIPS.]
I think I like Lynette.
You know, if she becomes a TV judge, I'd watch.
- TruTV keeps asking.
- Hmm.
But she's way too classy for that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- But, see, what - Mm.
what I can't wrap my head around, Pops, is why does she get the best Earl Johnson? How come you couldn't give that to me when I needed it, Pops? Oh.
I don't know.
Uh probably 'cause I didn't know how, and it wasn't like I had anybody to show me.
This woman makes me feel different.
I mean, I feel younger, less grumpy.
I-I-I'm way more thoughtful.
Hell, I'm not even stealing bags out the airport anymore, and that's where I found the engagement ring.
Not even Burbank? As an officer of the court, she frowns on that kind of thing, so no go.
Look, I get it it's a lot, especially for you.
Got to be a lot to see me change like this.
But I can't help it, son.
I'm in love.
I'm not asking you to be happy for me.
I'm not.
I'm just I am asking you to be happy with me.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
Yeah, man, I I can be happy with you.
Okay.
Congrats, Pops.
Thank you, son.
Thank you.
And I am honored to be your best man.
[SCOFFS.]
Honored to have you.
- Okay.
- Now, look.
W-We need to talk about the bachelor party.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, man.
Are we gonna go strip club or the racetrack? Or we can have strip club at the racetrack.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Wait, wait, you you wanted to come? Uh, look, let me just run it by my man Loose Craig right quick.
I just don't want to get your hopes up, son.
Just hold that thought.
You my man, Dre.
You my best man.
[SCREAMS.]
Diane.
You okay? I had a dream about chaos.
Oh.
That's nice.
No.
This time, it was a nightmare.
The world was upside down.
The ocean, the sky, the land they were all jumbled, and there was no light.
Only darkness.
There was no Mom or Dad.
Zoey was a loser, and Junior was a success.
Whoa.
That does sound disturbing.
You and I were all alone, tumbling through the universe.
I was holding your hand, but I could I could feel you slipping away.
Diane it's okay.
It's just a dream.
You're home, safe.
You'll always have me.
And even if we're not holding hands, we're always connected.
Thanks, friend.
Wanna get some ice cream? Yeah.
If Dad left us any.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[SIGHS.]