Black-ish (2014) s06e06 Episode Script

Everybody Blames Raymond

1 DRE: The Jacksons, the Obamas Every year, our family goes big with our Halloween costumes.
And we've gotten so good at it that we've built up a reputation.
So there's a lot of pressure to get it all the way right.
Okay, now, how do we capture the entirety of the Black experience in 2019 through costume? Go.
How about we go as LeBron James' sidekicks? [Ding.]
- Or the legends of hip hop and R&B? - [Ding! Ding!.]
All hail the Queens! - Or we could be the Klumps? - [Ding.]
"Why, hello!" So you guys are just phoning it in, huh? - What? - Guys, come on, there's no time to [bleep.]
Halloween is in seven months! Now, let's think.
What were the big Black cultural moments of this year? Um, oh, Tiger Woods won the Masters.
Ooh! Tiger Woods! - Tiger Woods! - He's not with us anymore.
Oh, my God, do we all just have to be Van Jones? [Ding.]
Who's Van Jones? I got it.
["Us" theme plays.]
Okay, everybody ready? Mm.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- Whoo! - [Laughs.]
- We did it! - We did it! - Yeah! - We did it! - We won Halloween, bitches! [Laughter.]
Send it to the 'gram, Ruby.
- Whoo! Done before breakfast.
- Uh-huh.
Costumes, hair, makeup.
That's $3,000 wasted right there.
And you're not even going trick-or-treating.
Nope, not at all.
Now that the twins are grown, we are never, ever doing that again.
- [Grunting.]
- [Junior clears throat loudly.]
Oh, yeah.
We have we - I forget, we have another one.
- Oh, damn it.
Is that boy ever gonna grow up? 06x06 - Everybody Blames Raymond Guys, if you're gonna treat Devante like this, we should've just left him at the fire station.
We're gonna take him trick-or-treating tonight, okay? - Mm.
- Okay, good, because you guys have missed a lot of his firsts.
- DRE: Okay.
- First ice cream.
- That's cute.
- His first haircut.
- Look at that.
- Mm-hmm.
First Coachella.
What? Boy, you took my baby to Coachella? Yeah, Dad, we were gone for literally like three days.
- Oh, is that where you were? Mmph.
- Yeah.
And you bought him a Tame Impala T-shirt? Beyoncé headlined! - Thank you.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
Sweet, Raymond's coming over.
Let me save you the trouble of asking permission.
No! Wait, wait, what? - No! - What's wrong with Raymond? What?! Raymond is the reason that Mrs.
Biggs gave them detention.
They sent that meme to everyone in the AirDrop radius.
[Donkey bray.]
It was a prank! Against a teacher, Dre.
A gym teacher! Well, it wasn't the only prank.
You're counting that lunch thing?! They forged menus, Dre, and made everybody think Wednesday was pizza day.
And I was never prouder.
- You didn't see the genius in this, Bow.
- No.
They convinced everybody that they were getting pizza, and then they got dry-ass fish sticks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Fish sticks, Bow! It's still hilarious even now! Some of our best work.
You are the son of a prank king.
- Can I pick you up like Simba? - Oh, yeah.
- Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba - Come here.
Son, everything that light touches, you can prank! - Yeah, ingonyama - [Grunts.]
Oh, my God! That that was hilarious.
And you should do that every week.
- Will you, please? - I don't know if I can.
- That boy is heavy.
- Okay.
But you can't hang out with Raymond.
But I think it's great that he's making new friends, Bow.
What? Remember when he got cut from basketball? - Yeah.
- He was moping around the house.
Now he's back.
Jack is back! I'm back.
Well, Raymond is bad news, okay? And he has devious eyebrows.
I should know.
This is why I choose my kids' friends.
If my mother only allowed me to be friends with people that she liked, I would've never met Sha.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
See, my mom always worried because she didn't want a stoop kid like me hanging out with a corner kid like Sha.
Man, it's hot out here.
I'm thirsty.
Don't worry, bro.
I got money.
I got you.
But Sha always had my back.
One of the best friendships I've ever had in my entire life.
And I don't want to deny that to Jack.
Hey, Jack, have your little friend come over.
- Yes! Thanks, Dad.
- Mm-hmm.
This is not how team parenting works, Dre.
Oh, well.
If Raymond corrupts my baby boy, it's on you.
I ain't scared of responsibility.
- You should be.
- All right? I have five children, Bow, and I'm still here! Could've left, but I didn't.
Strong Black man.
So this is the 'gram Look at this.
It's just smut.
I like it.
How can I get it on my television? JACK: That's all it takes, Raymond.
So you'll be here around 7:00? I definitely want to check out that snake.
- Raymond's coming over.
- Who? Raymond Bautista, the no-helmet skateboarder.
And I'm wearing this sack? Oh, I see.
So you like a bad boy? Well, let me tell you about bad boys.
Sure, he's exciting, dangerous, a little buck wild.
But then you find out maybe he's burned some cars, or attacked a grocer.
I'm making this sound amazing, aren't I? Yep.
Because it is.
But, sweetie, it's not worth it.
Trust me.
They leave you heartbroken.
I'm sorry, Grandma.
I think I got to learn the hard way.
All right.
Well, be sure you write my number on your arm so the cops will know who to call when you fall off the back of his motorcycle, okay? All right.
STEVENS: He's just smooth.
[Laughter continues.]
You sent me an e-mail! - I did! - We planned it, you guys! - We were going to be the cast of "Cats"! - Oh, my God! - You were supposed to be Rum Tum Tugger! - I wasn't! Yeah, and you were gonna be Jennyanydots! - You know what the sad part is? - What? If he was a woman, we couldn't do this.
- [Laughter.]
- We'd all get fired! Jack is gonna love this! Who says he needs to learn how to prank from Raymond Bautista? Look at that, man.
Your son is learning practical jokery from some kid on the street? Okay, who who said he was a punk off the street? Umm, his last name ends in a vowel, so if he's not a dictator or a shortstop, that kid is trouble.
That's a dangerous age to be hanging with the wrong crowd.
When I was 13, my friend convinced me to experiment with cooked-up cocaine.
You did crack? No, no, no.
No, no.
It was just, uh, little rocks of cocaine that we smoked out of a pipe.
So, crack.
No, it couldn't have been crack because when I got caught with it, they let me off with a warning because they said it was my first time, and I had a bright future ahead of me.
Yeah, system works.
- [Sighs.]
- Dre, if I have learned anything from all the kids that I've called the cops on, it's that your son won't be as fortunate.
Jack is not going to do crack.
All the same, you got to keep an eye out on who your son hangs out with.
Yeah, Jack may be innocent, but listen to the wrong person, and he could be dragged down, too.
Like Eve with the serpent.
Without Cheney, Bush would just be another draft-dodging Ivy League alcoholic like the rest of us instead of a failed U.
Without jelly, peanut butter is just a loveable nut spread instead of a killer of children that can no longer be scooped out and given to kids by Uncle Charlie on Halloween.
So I've been warned.
Jack's friends make all the difference.
Haven't you ever had a friend who led you down a bad road? Oh! I just found a fast way to get them drinks.
Are you about to steal a car? - No, you are.
- [Keys jingle.]
I already had two drinks today.
You're not supposed to drink and drive.
Yeah, you right.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
About to get all the honeys! [Tires screech.]
- [Crash.]
- [Groans.]
- [Siren wailing.]
- Oh, Mama, I'm sorry! Oh, my God.
Raymond's got to go.
- Bow! - Hey, baby.
Oh, hey.
- Okay, I've been thinking.
- Oh, God.
Maybe we should control who Jack hangs out with.
Do you know how many hours I would get back if you would just agree with me right away? Why would I do that? I will let Jack know Raymond cannot come over.
- All right.
- JACK: Raymond's here! - Aww, damn it.
- Okay, no, no.
No, no, no, it's cool.
You know, I'll talk to his mom, I'll make up an excuse, - and she'll take him home.
- Okay.
- Boom! - Boom.
- That's what we'll do.
- Hey, Raymond.
Hey, Raymond.
Where's your mom? - Where's your mama? - Moms bounced.
What? She She did a drop and leave? She doesn't even know us! Yeah, it's weird.
Guess you're stuck with me now.
Guess we are Raymond.
Oh [bleep.]
! A snake! Bow, it's a snake! - Okay, it's a snake.
- Bow, it's a snake! - It's a snake! - It's a snake!! It's a snake! So it seems Jack brought home a bad influence.
There was a snake in the tank, and a snake at the table.
That's a lot of crickets.
I wanted to see how many it would take to kill a snake.
I haven't found the number yet.
Who brings a bag of live crickets into someone else's house? Raymond! Look up for me and tell me what you see.
A ceiling? A ceiling, which means you're indoors.
And we don't bring pests-s-s indoors-s-s.
Nah! All right.
- You hear that tone? - Yeah, I heard it.
You can tell he ain't got a daddy.
I put all of this on the mother.
Who drops their kid off without checking on us first? - We could have a gun.
- We do.
We could have a pool without a fence around it.
We don't.
But she don't know that.
It's gonna be a long night, babe.
We're gonna have to tag-team on this.
I made arrangements.
Jack! Look who's here! MASON: Hi, Jack! Hi, Mr.
Johnson! - Hey.
- Oh, before I forget, my mom made you a new laminated emergency contact sheet.
- Ooh! - Her work e-mail has changed.
Also, on the back, updated allergies Brazil nuts are out, dairy is in.
So noted, Mason.
Why don't you go over there and join the boys? - Okay.
- All right.
Nice to see you.
Check out Raymond's snake.
Oh, my mom says I'm not allowed to see snakes because of my night terrors.
You heard him, Jack! Cover up the snake! Oh, God, I love Mason.
He's a natural-born wet blanket.
My baby.
Her cubs are in danger, and mama bear reacts.
Still good at that game? Hey! Where are you guys going? To go in the living room to play video games.
I'll allow that.
All night they're gonna try to pull one over on us.
Luckily, I have nowhere else to be.
[Clears throat loudly.]
I got somewhere else you can be.
Involved in your son's life.
[Engines revving.]
[Tires screech.]
[Sighs loudly.]
[Game pauses.]
Oh, hey, Raymond! Hey, Diane.
- [Game resumes.]
- Hi, Diane.
I said hi to you at school, Mason.
So, Raymond, I saw that snake in the family room, and I thought it might be yours.
You taking it for a walk, or is it for an epic Halloween prank? - [Game pauses.]
- I don't know.
Well, don't get into any trouble tonight but if you do, just let me know.
[Game resumes.]
Bye, Diane! [Cellphone chimes, vibrates.]
Jack, Emily Copeland just texted me.
The girls at her house want to Skype us.
- [Gasps.]
Oh, let's do it! - Okay.
[Skype launches.]
[Skype ringing.]
Hey! Who you guys talking to? Hopefully not Raymond's connect.
- Dad! - Hmm? Can we talk? I know Mom had Mason come over because she hates Raymond.
But you were fine this morning, and now you're all over him.
What did she say? Hey, she didn't say anything.
Then what did the people at work say? Hey, I've got my own mind, all right? It's just I'm worried about you, son.
You know, I don't want Raymond to make you do anything that you can't take back.
I know I'm not the smartest one in this family, but I'm not stupid.
I've got my own mind, too.
I know, son, it's just I'm 13, not 9.
Don't you think that means you should give me a little space and and trust me? Son I trust you.
Yeah, take all that, man, hmm? Why don't you take the fellas to Starbucks and get some, um, spooky cake pops? - Thanks.
- All right.
Hey, Bow! Let's get changed! We're going trick-or-treating with Devante! [Slow-clapping.]
That's some all-star parenting there, Chief.
And all it took was constant hounding.
I liked you better when you were living in your car.
So make sure if you're gonna give him candy, - get it X-rayed first.
- Uh-huh.
And if you happen to bump into Jafar, run! Okay? Run as fast as you can! Okay, can I just say that I think it's good you didn't go to college.
- What? - Come on, let's go, babe.
No, hey, stop.
Listen to me.
You make sure Jack lets us know as soon as he gets back.
Babe, you're gonna have to ease up off the gas, all right? - Huh? - Hey, Jack has earned his independence, okay? - It's time that you trust your kids.
- [Doorbell rings.]
Oh, let me get that.
Oh, hey, Principal Biggs.
My, uh My wife is here.
When will you accept that this is never going to happen? Oh, Mr.
It gives me no pleasure to tell you that your son vandalized my house.
- What?! - Mm-hmm.
And grant me a wish and put on a shirt.
My goodness.
What the hell happened?! How did you let Raymond talk you into doing this to Ms.
Biggs house?! Oh, no.
This was all Jack.
Don't try to pin this on my son.
- I know my kid.
- I knew it.
You didn't like him from the beginning.
He is one of the only Black students at the school.
I told Bow a dozen times that you are a self-hater.
Malcolm would be ashamed.
Jack, I don't want to dump the birdseed on her roof.
"I don't want to dump birdseed.
I don't want to send that meme.
" I'm sick of carrying you.
This isn't even funny.
Not funny? Birds are going to poop all over her house.
I'm out.
That don't prove nothing.
Fine! Run home to your mommy! I'll take care of this myself.
- [Gasps.]
- Okay.
- [Car alarms blaring.]
- Oh, my G Jack! If it wasn't my car, I'd laugh.
My goodness.
Hmm, I wonder what Malcolm would say about my video doorbell.
Well, first off, he'd be confused at the technology - because he didn't - Okay! [Muttering.]
What were you thinking? I-I-I don't know.
"I don't know"? Get your ass upstairs.
- Go upstairs! - Go! Go upstairs! Unbelievable.
Mom and Dad will take you trick-or-treating next year, Devante.
No trick-or-treating? No.
You know, this is so unfair.
Devante is missing out on a great experience.
I still remember how happy I was on my first Halloween.
You know, me, Mom, Dad, Zoey going house to house.
It was special.
Mm, just take him, then.
I could, but I really feel like his first experience should be with his parents.
Why can't they just step up? Uh, Junior, look around.
This is a big family, right? And everyone's pretty well taken care of.
I guess.
You know, no one has seen the dog in a while, so Our job is to help them by picking up the slack, not beating them up because we think they should be doing more.
Except your mother.
She should be doing more.
You know she went to the movies last week? That's terrible.
I get it.
Thanks, Grandma.
Oh, sweetie.
Good night.
I didn't say I was going to bed.
My Halloween party doesn't start till midnight.
Oh, yeah! Kitty, kitty, where's the biddy? Poor thing.
Hey! Do you have any idea what you did tonight? You could've killed yourself! It's a miracle Ms.
Biggs agreed not to press charges.
- [Scoffs.]
- You're lucky she's into me.
What [Sighs.]
What were you thinking? I-I-I-I just wanted to do something everyone at school would think was funny.
Okay, when did you start caring about being the funny guy? Well I have to be something.
I don't have basketball anymore.
At school, I'm literally a nobody now.
Ohh, Jack.
Son, I I thought we talked about this basketball thing, remember? You said Jack was back.
Is Jack not back? Okay, sweetheart.
Jack, I know it's important to have something.
But negative attention and acting out, that's not it.
So you have some serious punishment coming your way.
And you're gonna have to work to pay off Ms.
Biggs' car.
I'm sorry.
I know.
That was an interesting development.
Guess Jack is capable of messing up like every other kid.
- [Sighs.]
- I can't believe I was so blind.
- Babe, we both were.
- Eh I thought "fine" meant fine, but maybe that's what I wanted to hear.
We're gonna have to keep an eye on him.
- We will.
- Hmm.
But that's tomorrow's us.
Thank God Halloween is over.
[Both chuckle.]
BOTH: Devante! Don't worry, guys.
I'm here to pick up the slack.
DRE: Yeah, it was almost 10:00 p.
, but Junior found us the perfect neighborhood for Devante's first trick-or-treating.
- We're here.
- Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Oh, sweetie, the treat is Oh, my! Lots of candy.
- Look.
- DRE: Say thank you.
Here you go.
- Okay.
- All right.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
Halloween is a time to try on new costumes, new identities, but even if some attempts go astray, your family always has your back.
Well, hello! [Crying.]
What the hell, man?! You ruined his first Halloween! Now he's not gonna sleep, Junior.
That's great.
Thank you very much.
But No, I'm the hero.
I saved Halloween! I picked up the slack! Mom goes to the movies! BOTH: Trick or treat! Sho Nuff! Look what we got here.
Cowboy and a football player.
- I'm an astronaut.
- No, you're not! Y'all want some peanut butter? Here you go.
[Scoop bangs on bucket.]
You look like a crunchy man.
I got you.
[Peanut butter splats in bucket.]
Happy Halloween.
CHILDREN: Trick or treat! This ain't even my place.