Black-ish (2014) s06e13 Episode Script

Kid Life Crisis

1 DRE: America Land of the free and home of the brave.
Emphasis on "home.
" Because we are the worst at vacations.
52% of Americans don't even use all their vacation days.
We're workaholics.
Our jobs don't necessarily encourage time away.
Well, I'll only be gone for six days.
You won't even miss me.
- Sure.
Take your vacation, Dre.
- All right.
Hey, uh, Josh, can you bring me that Malik fellow's résumé? The one with the, uh, flashy sweaters who's desperate to get a foot in the door.
Hey, don't worry about that.
That has nothing to do with you.
Or does it? Have a great trip, Dre.
But in the Johnson family, we know how important it is to have a work-life balance, so we were going to get our vacation.
Mm! Bam! Look at that, baby.
Huh? Too much or not enough? Huh? Hey, don't don't worry about it.
I'm bringing it.
Why aren't you packing a bag yet? Because I have to move 10 surgeries, find someone to watch the dog, call the kids' school Come on, Bow, you're off the clock, baby.
- Put a questionable bathing suit - Never.
in the bag and let's go! It's México.
That's right.
We're talking sun, fun, and relaxation.
Unfortunately, the plane, ferry, and taxi to get there almost killed us.
Come on.
We made it.
Johnsons checking in, please.
Can we please go to the pool to wash off the airplane stink? Okay, hold on a second.
I want to hit the game room, play some foosball, hustle some chumps.
I said hold on a second.
Can I get a spa pass while you guys work out the formalities? I am carrying a lot of Stevens & Lido stress, and I need a big-handed Swede to make me right.
No one is going anywhere until we check in.
- Hello.
- Hi! I have your reservation right here.
- Oh, thank you.
- Ohh! But unfortunately, your rooms won't be ready till 4:00.
Interesting choice to pick a flight that arrived two hours before check-in time.
Enough! Okay?! I cashed in most of my personal days so we could take this vacation, and we will enjoy it together! Now let's have some fun, okay? Okay.
I said, are we gonna have some fun? - Yes, sir.
- All the fun! Damn straight.
This is actually the best start to a vacation we have ever had.
06x13 - Kid Life Crisis There's no chairs! Why are there no chairs? Just look and see if somebody's getting up.
Oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh! There's three.
There's three.
Move, move, move.
Three? T-There's six of us.
You shared a womb.
You can share a chair.
Go, go, go! Goodness.
- Oh, God.
- Ugh.
These chairs are by the bathroom.
I know.
It stinks.
It's disgusting.
Dad, can you talk to someone? Who? The Chair Wizard? All right, you know what? We're staking claim right here, all right? Circle the wagons.
This is now Johnsonville! - Johnsonville.
- Man, we really need this, Mom, - don't we? - Yes.
I mean, you have been stuck in wall-to-wall surgeries, and sometimes Stevens & Lido keeps me till, like, 6:30.
Basically the same job.
You know, I am glad you see the hustle.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, I'm gonna go do a lap.
So, when are we gonna hit the resort water park? What? We just sat down.
But they got an insane slide called the Lemon Drop.
- It has 32 loops.
- Ooh! They won't even let you on if you have a full bladder.
I just carried half of the room down here.
I haven't even had a chance to make fun of white people's sunburn yet.
Come on, Dad.
Please? Come on! It's a family vacation! That's what you do on a family vacation.
It'll be fun! Okay! Okay.
Give me five minutes, all right, so I can pick out my sunburn champs.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, thank you so much.
You're on the clock.
Come on, Devante.
- [Groaning.]
- Let's go.
- Thanks, Diane.
- Mm-hmm.
- Babe.
- Huh? Look at that couple over there by the stairs.
They're not on the clock.
They're too Black and sexy to worry about time.
They look like us during the three seconds between when we met and when we had kids.
- That was a great three seconds, babe.
- So good, Dre.
What happened to our Black and sexy? I don't know.
Now we're just Black and tired.
They look like they're having such a nice vacation.
You know what? We could probably get a little of what they have.
What do you mean? You know, who says the vacation has to always be about the kids? - Well, I mean - You know what? We can take them to the nice restaurant.
The kids are old enough.
Devante's off the boob.
- You're right.
- Mm.
We are paying for this vacation.
- We should do what we want to do.
- Exactly.
- The perfect vacation starts no - [Toilet flushes.]
Stand back and watch the King of Corn Hole toss his bag.
Ooh! Looks like the King of Corn Hole needs to work on his aim.
I'm used to two-pound bags.
I'm so sorry about that.
If you wanted to meet me, you could've just said "hello.
" I'm Lily.
So, what are you doing here? Besides throwing bean bags at strangers? Well, I work at a pretty intense job in the ad industry.
You know, grinding.
But, you know, sometimes it's important to set your e-mail to "out of office," kick back, and reward yourself for all of your successes.
- Our mom and dad brought us here.
- Mm-hmm.
Both of those things can be true.
It's okay, I'm here with my family, too.
Maybe we could ditch our families and meet up at the club later? [Clicks tongue.]
I got to check my schedule.
The only thing on your schedule is dinner with your parents.
Well, maybe I'll catch up with you later, then.
You will.
Try not to bean any other girls between now and then.
Why, Diane? Why? It's my vacation, too, Andre.
After 10 water slides, three shave ice runs, and five minutes where Devante locked himself in the bathroom, Bow and I were thrilled to sit down for a nice, civilized dinner with the entire family.
Uh, I don't see butter noodles anywhere.
- Mm.
- Come on, Jack.
This is a nice place, man.
Try something new.
I'm just saying they've got butter, they've got noodles.
I'm just gonna ask them to make it off menu.
We can pay the upcharge.
Pshew, pshew.
- [Jazz piano plays.]
- Why does the piano guy keep playing jazz? Yo, Elton John! Do you know Post Malone?! - Post Malone! - Hey! Can we just enjoy this dinner as a family? - Yes.
- Welp, it is about that time.
I am gonna go meet Lily at Club Coronado.
She's got daddy issues and I've got understanding eyes.
No! Sit your ass down.
All we wanted was one nice family dinner, and you guys can't even let us have that.
- We did everything you wanted.
- Everything.
- Water parks.
- Ugh.
- Shaved ice stations.
- Pfft.
Horseback riding on the beach.
Yeah, because family vacations are about the kids.
- What? - Come on.
You know the score, dawg.
Y'all are terrorists.
And you know what? We don't negotiate with terrorists.
We are done catering to your demands.
You don't deserve this vacation.
- We do.
- Mm-hmm.
You kids.
You just don't understand.
You are one of them.
And you know what we're about to do, Junior? We are dumping all of your siblings on you so your mom and I can go see whatever Club Coronado is.
Dad [Chuckles.]
I've got to go see about a girl.
- Mom - Hey! Look at me.
You are the parent now.
And as of this moment, your mom and I are on vacation.
- How do you like that score, dawg? - Mm-hmm.
And don't even think about running, - because we have your passports.
- Yeah.
So, we ditched our kids in favor of an adult rendezvous at Club Coronado.
- This place is sexy.
- Yeah, it is.
I feel like I'm on The Rock's Instagram.
[Both laugh.]
- To us.
- Mm.
To us being out at night and looking so good.
Mm! And pretending that we love this mescal.
Well, speak for yourself.
I do love it.
- Mm.
Babe, look.
- Mm? There's that other Black couple you know, the ones that look like they belong on the cover of a fitness DVD? Hey! Black LaLanne! Light-Skin Fonda! - Hey, we're celebrating.
- [Chuckles.]
- Come join us.
- Come over! - All right.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
- How are you? - How are you? - All right.
- All right.
- That's a pretty dress.
- How's it going? - Doing all right? - So, what are we celebrating? - Birthday? Anniversary? - Nope.
We abandoned our children.
- Yes, we did.
- [Chuckling.]
What? - [Laughs.]
- Just for one night, though.
- Okay.
- Do not call "Dateline.
" - [Chuckles.]
Okay, we won't.
- Okay, good.
This is my husband.
This is Dre Johnson, - and I am Dr.
Rainbow Johnson.
- Hey.
How are you? So nice to meet you.
Tanya and Lewis Chaplin.
So, how did you guys abandon your children? Yes.
- We are on a surf trip.
- Mm-hmm.
We actually don't have kids.
Oh? Well, you want some? [Laughter.]
- We have five, - Five.
and we don't mind giving up a few.
- Maybe three, four.
- Yep.
- Mm, we're gonna pass on taking one of your children.
- Yeah, we're good.
- Really? - Yeah.
But maybe you guys could help us finish off this bottle of Japanese whiskey.
- Ohh! - [Cellphone chimes.]
- It is a good one.
- One second, one second.
- JUNIOR: Diapers?! - It's Junior.
Worse than the one on the plane! Had to use a tamale husk! - We'll take that bottle.
- Yes! There we go.
All right.
To Black faces in white spaces.
- There it is.
- That's right.
I like that.
So, a surfer couple, huh? Yeah.
It, uh, it kind of became our thing.
- Ohh.
- That's really sweet.
- You know, we have a thing, too.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes, we do.
So, when the kids go to bed, we get in bed Oh.
and we watch "Madam Secretary" - [Both laugh.]
- until we fall asleep.
And to be honest, we haven't made it through an episode yet, so we have no idea what this woman is the secretary of.
That's hilarious.
Oh, man.
Uh, listen, I can't tell you how happy we are that we met you guys - Ohh! - but, uh, we have an early morning.
- No! What? - What? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Believe me, there is nothing like watching the sunrise from a board 100 yards from shore.
It is like we are the only two people in the world.
- Mm-hmm.
- Aww.
You guys have a good night.
All right? - So great talking to you.
- Enjoy the sunrise! Thank you.
We will.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Baby? - Mm? I want to learn how to surf.
- Dre - Hmm? - You don't know how to swim.
- I don't.
- You hate the water.
- I do.
You have zero upper-body strength.
Okay, I don't want to learn how to surf, but I do want what Tanya and Lewis have.
I know, right? Come on.
It's so sweet.
- It is.
- To have something that's just for us.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know? Dre, I want to watch the sunrise with you.
Baby, we would, if only - it weren't so early in the morning.
- It's so early.
Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul I wanna get lost Thanks for being flexible.
I promise karaoke will be just as fun as Club Coronado.
Yeah, no problem.
Are you sure Devante's okay? It's kind of loud.
[Devante fussing.]
Uh, yeah, no, he's he's fine.
He can He can sleep through anything.
So what's your song? Oh, I-I don't know if I can get up there alone.
I got you.
Why don't we, uh, do "Crazy in Love"? It's a great duet.
Plus, we'll put our own little twist on it, and I'll do all the Beyoncé parts.
[Both laugh.]
I'm not feeling so good.
Well, get Diane to take you back.
I am working here! She already left.
She's worse than I am.
She ralphed in one of the plants.
It's okay if your brother's sick and you need to go.
[Normal voice.]
Nah, he's fine.
Just start practicing saying "So crazy.
" Go back to the room and choke down a ginger ale.
- From the minibar? - Yes! Dad'll kill us.
Please take me back.
All right.
You know what? Why don't we, uh, take this back to my semi-private patio? - We've got - Just find me tomorrow.
What No, no.
I-I can save this.
He's He's fine.
He's doing He's doing great.
Jack? Bow and I finally had a real vacation moment at Club Coronado, and the next day, we tried to stay in it.
Last night was so much fun, Dre.
I don't remember the last time that I saw you do the Running Man.
- Wow.
- Yeah! - I did that? - Ooh! Oh, well, somebody had some fun.
- [Chuckling.]
Oh, we had a ball.
- [Chuckles.]
- Here comes the tall one.
- Oh, God.
Guys, I don't think the twins are getting any better.
Didn't I see Jack at breakfast this morning? [Sneezes.]
He ruined $100 worth of eggs.
And I checked up on Diane, and she was too weak to insult me.
Jack and Diane just have a cold.
You got this.
- But - No buts! Junior I go to the hospital, and I work my ass off, and then I come back home, and I work my ass off for you kids, but you know what? My ass is done working itself off.
Damn it, I love you.
- Hey, babe? - Hmm? Should we go to the restaurant tonight and spend stupid amounts of money on each other? Seafood tower? And truffle mac and cheese.
Boom! Sorry, Junior.
You're watching the kids.
Tonight, Daddy's gonna get indigestion.
And Mommy's gonna feed Daddy Tums like they're grapes.
- Begone! - Au revoir! Our romantic adult dinner did not disappoint.
We were making the most of our quality time together.
- Oh, hey, babe.
- What? - Directly behind you - Okay.
there is a sister-wife situation.
- Stop it, Dre.
- Turn around.
Hold on.
Ready? Right behind, right? [Groans.]
Oh - Mm? - No.
- What? - No.
That is a husband, a wife, and a daughter.
Fathers don't feed daughters oysters, Bow.
[Both laugh.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm enjoying you so much right now.
Oh, baby, I know.
This is uncut Bow/Dre magic.
- Yes, it is.
- Ohh.
Makes me want to cut it into rocks and sell it near a school.
[Both laugh.]
- Hey, babe.
- Yeah? - Let's run away.
- Ooh.
Let's go on one of those trips we've always planned on going to but never got around to doing.
You know what? Let's go to Paris.
- Oui? - Oui, oui.
[Both laugh.]
We can plan it for our next Christmas break.
Are you kidding me? Oh, my God.
We could do New Year's Eve at the Eiffel Tower.
Can you imagine Devante with a little beret? Stop it right now.
Close every door.
- No.
- What? - Let's go now.
- What? Because if we plan it, w-we'll put it off and keep waiting until Devante's out of the house.
By then, we'll be my parents' age.
Let's go to Paris next weekend.
Just you and me.
No water slides, no no butter noodles, no negotiating an hour here and there.
Come on, Bow.
What do you say? We can't do that.
What? Dre, I wish it was that easy, but we don't have that kind of life.
Yes, we do have that kind of life.
Mm no, we don't.
Okay, well, let's make it Okay.
I'm just, uh I have a filet for the lady.
- T-Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- There you go.
- And for the gentleman - You know what? I've, uh - I've suddenly lost my appetite.
- Uh Uh, please send my French fries to the pool.
Hello, man-baby.
DRE: I'm sorry I left.
How was your steak? [Chuckles.]
I dropped it on the ground.
And they sent my fries to another pool.
I would love to go to Paris with you.
And I love that you made such a romantic gesture.
But going away, just the two of us it feels selfish.
It [Sighs.]
- We both love our kids.
- Mm-hmm.
And we love spending time all together.
But it's not selfish to want some alone time as a couple.
I know, Dre, but I already deal with so much guilt when I'm away from the kids even if it's for work.
Why? Our kids need us to work, and I don't feel guilt because of that.
Because you're not a working mother.
Dre, please, try to understand.
When I go to work, it feels like me time.
So when I spend any other time away from the kids, even if it's with you, it just feels selfish.
Look, I love that after 20 years, you still get upset that we don't spend enough time alone together.
And we will go to Paris.
I just need you to meet me halfway.
Atlanta? Oh, my God.
Your jokes are so bad.
No, babe, we're gonna go to Paris, but we got to bring the kids.
And then we can just promise each other that we're gonna get two dinners alone.
Can the kids fly coach? I mean, they don't even have to sit together.
They can all have middle seats, for all I care.
Well, then, Paris, here we come.
But in the meantime, why don't we go back up to the room, slip into something a little more comfortable - Okay.
- and watch "Madam Secretary"? Did you know that in this country, they call it "Señora Gobierna"? Mm! I'm gonna give you a five-second head start to the room.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Starting now.
Starting now.
One - Five - Mm-hmm.
four - Excuse me, sir.
- three - Excuse me.
- two - Oh.
- one.
- Too late! I got you! - [Screams.]
[Both chuckle.]
Feel like a whole new man.
Thanks for taking such good care of me, Junior.
[Dramatic music plays.]
I didn't know my eyes could shiver.
Oh, no.
You're sick? You sneezed in my mouth! [Sighs.]
Oh, wait, wait, Jack, just please, just stay with me.
Eh, put something simple on the TV.
I wonder what Bob and Abishola are up to.
Well, I would love to, but Diane said the buffet has unlimited chicken fingers, so you do the math.
I stayed with you.
I cared for you.
I turned down a moonlit walk on the beach with Lily to be by your side! Well, that's on you, playboy.
Well, eh, before you leave, I mean can you at least [Door closes.]
I'm gonna sneeze on his toothbrush.
Most of us don't take enough time away, which is a shame, because you can learn a lot about yourself.
Oh, hey.
Johnsons, checking out.
Jet Skis and buffets? I think I found my brand.
I'm this guy now.
I'm just glad I talked you out of getting your hair braided.
I just don't understand why we couldn't have used that cart.
I'm glad I caught you before you left.
I know it didn't work out here, but maybe we could get together sometime.
I'm I'm down.
You live in South LA, right? Yep.
Southern Louisiana.
But my mom caught my dad sexting his periodontist, so he's taking all of us to Disneyland next summer.
Really? Yeah.
Hot Boy Next Summer.
Mm! Let's go.
So, we can surf the 5-foot swells 10 minutes from here, but there's 8-foot swells 20 minutes from here.
When we agreed to make surfing our thing, the deal was you weren't gonna get all "Lewis" about it.
I don't know what that means.
Why would you say that? And what we learned was that we can have a wonderful time, both alone and with our kids.
You ready to get back to the grind? It's not so bad.
Thank you for your stay, Dr.
and Mr.
Would you like to purchase the robes and towels that the staff reported missing from your room? [Chuckles.]
You might want to charge us for a pair of slippers, too.
We also took those.
Hey, hey, hey.
After you, Doctor.
- Oh, you got that? - Mm-hmm.
Welcome back, Dre.
Boy, did we miss you.
We had to name a Black character in an ad we were doing, and Josh got a little loose with it.
Uh Jerome, Tookie, and, uh De'Nickashaw.
I don't know any better.
Hey, how was your trip? Love hearing about family vacations.
Never got to go on one.
Oh, uh, my family vacation was great.
Yeah, I got to spend some good quality time with my family.
Well, it sounds like a well-earned break.
Ah, hey! Lucy! - You work here again? - Yeah.
I'm back.
Um, about that.
Now that Dre's here, we no longer need, um, an "other," so Well lawsuit's back on.
I just have to say, working with you guys has been a complete [bleep.]
disaster, and I hope you die and have shallow [bleep.]
graves [bleep.]
! She seems good.

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