Black-ish (2014) s06e15 Episode Script

The Gauntlet

1 Growing up, we didn't have much, so when you actually got a gift? It was special.
There you go, baby, the "Running Scared" soundtrack.
Found it on the ground at work.
There you go.
All right, now.
For real, whoever said "It's the thought that counts" never got a gift from Andre Johnson.
Voilà! Ohh! Baby, look at this! There gonna be some changes around here.
Anybody got a problem wearing short shorts? And no one gets more Andre Johnson gifts than Andre Johnson's queen.
Bam! Ohh, Dre.
Bam! It's incredible! - Bam! - Oh, oh! Oh! You'd think someone as gifted as I was in the art of presentry would marry someone with similar skills, right? Happy birthday.
No, Dre.
Hey, hey.
Where's it at? - Dre.
- What? Dre.
Look at that, it's your first print ad.
How thoughtful.
But no, Bow's terrible at giving gifts.
- So, Dre.
- Yeah? So what'd you get Bow for her birthday? How did you know it was my wife's birthday? Well, I keep all the important Black Lady Birthdays in my Important Black Lady Birthday calendar.
November, Whoopi.
December, Janelle.
January, Oprah.
February, your wife.
- Now - Mm-hmm.
if you haven't gotten her anything yet, I am happy to pop out of a cake for you.
What? What are you gonna get her? I mean, are you gonna get her flowers, a spa day, or a hall pass? No.
No, I got her something that she's going to love because we all know that I am great at gift-giving.
- That's true.
- That's true.
- This man once gave me clean urine.
- It wasn't mine.
And you once gave me that DNA test that proved I was 23 percent Norwegian and zero percent my father's child.
I wish Bow was as good at gift-giving as I am.
You know, last week for my birthday, she framed my awful first print ad.
Not not the Honda "Run Dat" campaign? - No.
- "Getting Jiggy with Jif"? - Nope.
- "Kaiser Permanente: Ooh Child"? No.
Wow, Dre, you really were phoning it in back then.
But you know what? Giving good gifts is a solid half of what a wife is for.
I mean, what else does that woman do with her time? She's a massage therapist, for God's sakes.
My wife is an anesthesiologist.
And janitors are custodians.
I get it, Dre, but you have got to talk to her about this.
She's never gonna get better.
Okay, hold on, hold on.
My wife is one of the busiest, most badass people that I know.
And she does everything great that matters.
So, you know, I-I really think I'm overreacting on this.
Yes, you are.
Because you have a beautiful wife.
A beautiful Black lady wife.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go send Erykah Badu an Edible Arrangement for her birthday.
- Oh, okay.
- I don't have the address, but I figured if I put "Erykah Badu, Atlanta" on there, she should get it.
Must be girl trouble.
Your father used to look like that when he got dumped.
Damaged a lot of kitchen tables with that anvil head of his.
All right, what happened? Well, Jack asked Savannah out.
It was the best lunchtime drama since Britney lied and told people that she was dating one of the "Stranger Things" kids.
- It was supposed to be romantic.
- Mm.
Like one of those YouTube prom-posals.
But instead I found out she has a boyfriend.
I don't understand.
We talked all night at Diane's sleepover.
We had a connection.
I told her my hopes Meeting Mr.
And my fears.
Peanut's a jerk.
It's not fair.
Okay, Jack, let me ask you something.
Have you ever met this boyfriend? Hmm, no.
Sounds to me like she's just playing the game.
You ignore this girl and ask out her best friend.
She'll be yours in no time.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Trust me, it's how I imploded The Commodores.
I played Walter Orange like a slap bass.
Almond milk? That's Charlie's.
Dijon mustard? That's Charlie's.
Amoxicillin? Better believe that's Charlie's.
Hey, Charlie, Mr.
Stevens is letting me pitch an account, and I wanted to run a few ideas by you.
Okay, that makes sense.
I am a respected advertising professional, so go ahead.
That you are! Also everyone else is at lunch.
So, the campaign is for these pants called Fielders, and I was thinking we take a social media approach - and try to - Hold on.
Fielders sell khakis old men buy at grocery stores.
You as much as mention "hashtag," you lost their business.
Now, imagine advertising something basic, like potatoes.
How am I supposed to come up with a good campaign if I have to be basic and bland? Therein lies the challenge.
You must immerse yourself in blandness.
Hey, guys, there's a green pepper in my chicken salad - too spicy for me - I'll take it.
- Um - Charlie's.
Necco wafer? Hey, Josh.
Let me pick your brain for a second.
Sure! Talking to the guys made me realize so what if Bow was terrible at gifts? I was big enough to put my personal feelings aside and get my badass wife the fanciest present I could find.
- Bow? - Mm-hmm? Come in here, babe.
You know what today is! - Is it Flag Day? - No.
Arbor Day? Unh-unh, guess again.
Oh, is it my birthday? Yes, it is! And you have something for me? Yes, I do.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Okay, I'm gonna open it.
- Okay.
Ohh, Dre! Mm-hmm.
Oh, this is incredible.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! - It is, isn't it? - Oh, what D-Dre, I can't wait to show everybody.
Yeah, at least one of us knocks it out of the park every year.
What did you say? Hmm? You know what, babe? I'm just going to come clean.
- Year after year - Yeah.
I give you the best presents in the world, and your gifts to me don't even come close.
Huh? Baby, I love you.
But your gift game is straight trash.
Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre.
We're being honest right now, right? Tell the truth and shame the devil.
- You give terrible gifts.
- What?! You give boo-boo gifts! Boo-boo gifts, Dre! You have the receipt for that? Huh? I do not give boo-boo gifts, Bow! You're just lashing out.
I see your eyes when you open your presents.
You love them.
Oh, I do? Yes, you do.
Oh! Ohh! Dre! You've been faking it? Yeah! I bought you diamonds.
It was nice at first, but how much jewelry does a woman need? You can never have too many diamonds, Bow.
Let me tell you, Dre.
The best gift that I ever got in my entire life was when I was a kid.
My dad he hand-sewed me a doll that looked like me.
There's no way that a store-bought gift can compare to something with meaning behind it.
Why do you think I took that art class last year? Mnh-mnh.
So I could hand-paint you a tree that represents our family.
But I wanted a fur.
Yeah, and you bought yourself the fur, Dre.
It's not the same thing, Bow! Okay, look, what you're saying is nice, I get it.
Thank you.
But, babe I never thought I would be able to spend real money on the people I love.
And now that I'm able to, it's what I do.
Okay, you know what, Dre? Forget I said anything.
Get me whatever you want.
No, no, no.
Dre Babe I can change.
Because I love you.
So, for Valentine's Day, I am going to find you a thoughtful gift.
Thank you, my love.
But I also need to be treated in the gift lifestyle to which I've become accustomed.
Then I will buy you something so expensive that our home insurance policy won't cover it.
So I had to get Bow a meaningful but cheap-ass gift, which meant I was the first Black man to ever walk into a craft store.
Ow! Damn it! What is going on, Dad? Ohh.
Court-mandated art therapy to manage your anger? Shut up, Junior! I'm just trying to be thoughtful.
I just made your mother this nightmare.
Oh, my God! What is that?! It's supposed to be her.
Yeah, you cannot give that to Mom.
I know! Look, I need your help, all right? Look, I just found out that your mother is the only person alive that does not like diamonds.
Help me, uh, come up with a thoughtful Valentine's Day gift for her.
Oh! Well, I have a whole Pinterest board full of ideas.
I've got to be honest, though, they are all son-to-mother vibes, not romantic.
She shut that down years ago.
This is stupid.
Why can't we just go back to the way things were, hmm? We were lying to each other, but at least we were happy.
Oh, come on, Dad! You've got to keep trying.
Maybe just do what I do.
Every time the sun pokes out from behind a cloud, give a little thought to Mom.
Look, man, just give me an idea.
Mom could have done so much better.
Get out of here! Get out! Son, wait a minute, please don't leave me! I'll pay you! You want some diamonds?! I got lots of diamonds.
Oh, that's too bad, Savannah.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with your boyfriend.
How about we talk about it over froyo tonight? See you then.
Great news, Grandma.
I played the game and I won.
Oh, yeah? I went out with Savannah's best friend, Jessie.
You're so funny.
And then my mom she turned the corner and And Savannah got jealous.
So now she wants the froyo, yo.
That's great, baby.
Don't forget your Lactaid.
I mean, I'm happy for you, Jack, but do you really think you can land this plane? I mean, what are you gonna do about Jessie? He's got to drop her like a peanut shell at a barbecue place.
Oh, no.
I have to break up with her, don't I? Unless you're not ready to play the game.
No, no, no, no.
I-I can do it.
I'll just break up with her tomorrow.
I'm proud of you, baby.
You know, your father could never play the game.
That's how he ended up dating a string of useless chickenheads.
Until he met Mom, you mean.
Sure, baby.
Junior had been useless.
I spent days trying to be thoughtful, and all I had to show for it were hot glue burns.
I've been having trouble coming up with a Valentine's gift for you.
I've got nothing, baby.
Please don't leave me.
Dre, I am not having any luck, either.
Would you wear a Gucci wetsuit? When have I wanted to go into the ocean, Bow? See? This is really hard.
You know, maybe we're putting too much pressure on this Valentine's Day presents thing.
You know, why don't we do no Valentine's presents? Oh.
That's not a bad idea.
I mean, we're driving ourselves crazy.
And gifts are not important.
- Exactly! - Exactly! You know what? How about we just have a nice meal together? - You know - Oh! a low-key Valentine's experience with no gifts, no surprises.
No extra pressure on it.
And then we can take the money that we would save from buying presents and pop bottles at the restaurant.
Or Or we could make it rain on our IRAs that we haven't contributed to since 2014! Just like pah, pah, pah-pah, pah, pah, pah-pah-pah-pah.
It's so adorable that you think there's still money in that account.
Huh?! Coming, children! No, no, wait.
Where's the money, though, Dre? Remember When you're working for a company like Fielder, you have to be aggressively bland.
Yeah, but what does that mean for the campaign? Start by thinking of the most vanilla statement you can about the brand and go from there.
Okay, uh Fielders are good? No! "Good" is a value judgment.
Not bland enough.
You almost had it.
Take a step back.
Deep breath, go.
Uh Um Fielders are Go on.
- durable? - No! - Comfortable? - Even blander! Ah Pants? Bingo.
Fielders are pants.
Good start.
It is? So I went out and had my first gift-free Valentine's, doing what mattered most sharing an overpriced prix fixe with the woman I love.
That's nice.
Yes, it is.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Look at him.
Look at him patting his pockets.
Every single person in this restaurant knows there's something in there.
Valentine's Day chumps.
- Okay, babe, you know what? - Hmm? - I'll be right back.
- Mm.
But this this is good, right? Yes! No pressure Valentine's Day is great, and maybe we shouldn't do Christmas gifts this year.
Your face in this candlelight is all the gift I need.
I'll be right back, baby.
- Hurry back.
- Mm-hmm.
- For the lady.
- Oh, oh, no.
I'm sorry, we didn't order that.
We didn't order that.
Oh, let's just say somebody wanted to do something special for you.
Oh! - Thank you.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, okay.
The cake.
I knew.
I knew you had some tricks up those sleeves.
What are you talking about? - The cake.
- Oh.
Listen, I should be mad because we decided no gifts or surprises, but I have to say that I am so glad you got me something.
I didn't send you that cake, babe.
Really? Oh.
We agreed there would be no gifts and no surprises.
I didn't send you that.
Sorry, this is for another table.
Oh, but Okay, alright.
You said I guess I I guess I did want something.
It just feels like with no gifts, part of Valentine's Day is missing.
The men's room attendant comped me a mint, and I almost cried.
Who were we kidding? Valentine's Day without gifts isn't Valentine's Day.
It's just a day.
- It was my mother's.
- Oh, my God! It's beautiful.
It means the world to me.
Valentime's Day is so stupid.
Mmm! Raspberry compote? Nice try, Reginald.
- Hey, Ruby.
- Hey.
How y'all doing? Happy Valentine's Day.
Why did I think I wanted a low-key Valentine's Day, huh? There's nothing about me that says low-key.
Hell, I'm the one that got Funkmaster Flex to record my outgoing voicemail.
How do we not know how to take care of each other after all of these years? That's making me wonder.
You know, what else are we messing up? - I'm starting to question it all.
- Oh, yeah.
This marriage is really falling apart.
What with the way you fix her a drink, and the way you're trying to rub the stress out of his back.
You two are doomed.
But doesn't it mean something that we missed the mark? I mean, gift-giving is one of the most important ways of expressing love.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, well, so are shared experiences.
- Mm-hmm.
- Quiet times together.
And working your way through the Kama Sutra.
- Mama.
- You two fulfill each other's needs in so many other ways.
This is just a little thing you don't have to worry about, alright? Maybe we are being too hard on ourselves.
- Thank you, Ruby.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna go check on Devante, and I'm taking this.
- Okay, baby.
You know what? I'm right behind you.
- Thank you, Mama.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah? Where the hell do you think you're going? You can't buy your wife a gift? I raised you better than that.
But, Mama, you just said that gifts - are something - No, no, no, no! How is it no man in this family - knows how to play the game? - What? You go think about Rainbow and get her something she wants.
Mama, I tried.
Hell, I made her a ugly-ass doll just like the one her daddy did.
She doesn't want a doll.
She wants what the doll represents.
That you're thinking about her.
Okay, Mama.
I didn't think you cared this much about Bow's happiness.
I don't.
I just know I didn't raise no raspberry compote boy.
Old sorry Reginald think he can get a crack at me with this cheap candy assortment! Mm-hmm.
So, I was thinking for Easter, we should coordinate outfits.
You're a girl's medium, right? Oh, and Jackie, today's our four-day anniversary! Yay! Oh, yeah.
Happy anniversary, dear.
I'll go get you an Uncrustable.
So you couldn't dump her, could you? Nah.
I never should have listened to Grandma.
Well, most of Grandma's advice stopped being useful around the Clarence Thomas hearings.
So what are you gonna do? Well, I've already committed to Easter, so I can't break up with her before then.
Then her birthday's right around the corner, then the spring dance.
I'm-a be honest with you, Diane.
I don't see a way out.
Welcome to your first loveless marriage.
Thought we'd be having this talk at 25 when you got trapped by a French CrossFit star who needed a green card.
But it's nice to know it feels just as good as I imagined.
I had spent too much time focusing on the gift instead of the more important thing the person it was for.
And once I did that, I realized it was pretty easy to find things she liked.
Hey, babe.
How was your day? Much better after I got a text from you about Larry's Chili Dogs.
- Mm-hmm.
- That was so sweet.
- Babe, it's where we first met.
- I know.
And I could not drive past that place and not think about you.
Hey What? I got you something.
What's the occasion? Just showing you I love you.
Can I open it? - Please.
- Okay.
Yes! Oh, my God, yes! - Oh, this is so thoughtful.
- Mm.
I'm so glad that you realized that you don't have to spend a lot of money on me.
It's the small and sweet gestures.
Oh, God, I love you.
Thank you, baby.
Hey, do you want red or white with the chili dogs? Which goes better? Uh, red.
- Red? Okay.
- Yeah.
Like Bow said, I didn't have to spend a lot of money on a great gift.
But I did on this expensive-ass marching band.
So, as a small, sweet gesture, I got them out before she could see.
Baby steps.
So, Dre's kid, huh? Fielders pants.
What do you got for me? Psst.
You got this.
They've survived a long time.
Not by being flashy or by following seasonal trends, but by being timeless.
And by keeping it simple.
So their new slogan keeps it simple, too.
"Fielders: They're the pants you wear.
" Yeah, I really hoped you'd come up with something more urban, you know? Like, um "Fielders: Ooh, Child.
" What about "Fielders: Where the Homies at?" Yes! Outstanding, Charles.
We will run with that.
- Mom! - Shh! Daddy's working.

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