Black-ish (2014) s06e17 Episode Script

You Don't Know Jack

1 - [Cheers and applause.]
- DRE: As a dad, I know my kids inside and out.
If being up on what they were into was a game show, I'd win every time.
ANNOUNCER: It's time to play "You Do Know Jack," with your host, Joel McHale! - [Cheers and applause.]
- Welcome back.
Let's get right into it with our returning champ.
Jack's dad, Andre Johnson.
First question.
For $100, who does Jack think is in every limousine? Michael B.
- [Ding!.]
- Correct! Next question.
For $200, what is Jack allergic to? Yellow jackets.
- [Ding!.]
- Correct! - [Applause.]
- Bonus question.
What does he say he's allergic to? Haters! - [Ding!.]
- Exactly.
You are on a roll.
Okay, now, for $10 billion - and a washer/dryer - [Audience gasps.]
what after-school club did Jack join today? - You've got 10 seconds on the clock.
- [Clock ticking.]
- Dance.
- [Buzzer.]
- Skate dance? - [Buzzer.]
- Cheerleading by accident? - [Buzzer.]
Oh! I am sorry, Jack.
Tell your idiot dad what he should have known.
I joined robotics club.
[Cheers and applause.]
I said I joined robotics club.
- Ah.
- On purpose? JOEL: Well, I'm sorry, big fella.
Let's say goodbye to our big loser, Andre Johnson.
Okay, stay tuned for our next show, "Why Are Junior's Showers So Long?" So, what made you choose robotics? Oh, a-and a follow-up to that question, what is robotics? It's a club where we build robots, program them to perform tasks, and compete against other schools.
- Yeah.
- Ah.
Sounds great.
- But why would you want to do that? - Wait, wait, wait.
This isn't so you can build your own cop, is it? Dre, I told you he was too young to see that movie.
No, Mom.
Mason's a member, and he said I should check it out.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Mm.
I've been setting a lot of trends this year.
During attendance, I started saying "Ya heard" when the teachers call my name.
JACK: Turns out the club is pretty cool.
- We need to do some research.
Let's go upstairs and watch "WALL-E," Mason.
Ya heard.
G-Got it.
- Yeah.
You know what? - It's That's good, Mason.
- [Laughs.]
- You know, I would've never guessed robotics, - but he seems happy.
- Yeah.
I was worried when he got cut from the basketball team because he was so sad and lost.
I know.
He was a bummer, Dre.
Mama gets enough of that at work.
Can't come home to it.
Not enough wine in this house.
Thank God we encouraged him to find his thing.
Wha Mm.
Andre, you brought our child to one step show.
I am the parent who steered him towards math and science.
You took him beekeeping.
That's a science.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Bees do all the work.
We snatch their honey with no compensation.
Sounds a lot - like something else we know.
- Okay.
Stop making everything about slavery.
I wish I could, Bow.
I wish I could.
Ugh! You know what I hate? Silent alarms.
Loiter laws.
Fire extinguishers.
Men with ponytails.
Girls named after months.
Rachael Ray.
Yes, but I also hate that I have to do this assignment.
- What assignment? - It's a five-page paper on the life of an inspiring woman.
- Double-spaced? - Single.
- Oof! - Stakes are high.
Well, all you got to do is make sure that the person that you ask has lived a lot of life.
A lot of life.
Got it.
Hey, Grandma.
- Yes? - I need a favor.
Can you hook me up with a woman who's led an interesting life? What? Uh, yes, me! I'm the most interesting person in this house.
I don't know, you just worked at the post office.
Just worked at the post office? Little girl, I integrated the post office.
You think Compton had a Black mail woman before me? When I started, the place looked like a Vermont jail! Hmm.
- Civil rights pioneer.
- Mm-hmm.
That'll fill two pages.
All right, Grandma, let's do this.
Um, okay, uh, did you ever defuse a mail bomb or deliver a giant sweepstakes check? Oh, sweetie, bigger than that.
Now, the story begins with me Hold on.
I'm gonna put on a pot of tea.
And get a pair of earmuffs for the baby.
This is gonna be a spicy story.
Hey, Sha.
Hey, look here, man.
I'm not gonna be able to make the Clipper game Saturday night.
Got to take my son to his robotics competition.
No, man, I don't know if the robots have boobs.
Hey, I got to go.
I'll talk to you later.
You know, it is so great that you're getting behind Jack and supporting his interest in robotics.
It's what I do.
No, actually, it's it's not what you do at all [chuckles.]
which is why it is so impressive.
You know, I'm serious, Dad.
There are so many parents these days who are too scared to put their kids in situations where they're gonna be really challenged.
Jack has got that fire back in his eyes.
- Ah.
- He has that same look he had when he beat those grown-ups in that hot-dog-eating contest.
Well, you know Valley Glen Prep's robotics team has always been pretty intense.
- Mm-hmm.
- Remember my friend Samir? Of course I do.
He was your only brown friend.
Yeah, he was on the robotics team, and the stress got to him.
- Really? - Yep.
He had a breakdown, converted to Mormonism, and ended up going to college in Utah.
Almost got kicked out for drinking an iced tea.
- All because of robots? - Yep.
But, you know, that's what makes what you're doing so amazing.
You're just throwing caution to the wind and chucking Jack into the deep end with no life jacket.
That's what I'm doing.
But both of us know he is gonna do great things.
Uh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, bo both of us know that.
You know, I am so proud of you.
You probably don't hear this enough, but you're a great dad.
Junior's pep talk spun me out.
I had to make sure Jack wasn't going to take another loss.
- DRE: Okay, hey, babe? - Yeah.
Uh, maybe we need to pull Jack out of this.
- What? - This doesn't look too safe.
I mean, look, that that kid over there is using electrical tools.
- Mm-hmm.
- Jack could lose a finger.
A-And what do you do with this thing, huh? B Ow! - Dre.
- What? You make coffee.
It's a coffee maker.
What happened to being all-in for robotics? This is the reason I discourage you from coming to school functions.
Okay, look, look, it's just that Jack finally got that fire back in his eyes, and if he fails at this, that fire might go out forever.
Well, if he's gonna get into robotics, baby, there's some things I need to know.
Like, how much is this gonna cost us? Because this stuff, it looks expensive.
I mean, there's supplies for the robots, pictures with the robots, robot food.
I just don't want to get scammed.
- Okay.
- Oh, speaking of scams.
- No, no.
No, I - Hey, hey, Biggs.
Uh, what kind of money grab y'all got going on with this here? This is all included in tuition, Mr.
I'm so sorry.
He hasn't eaten lunch today.
What are you doing, Dre? No, Bow, what are you doing? I don't think Jack is ready for this, babe.
Hey, guys.
Check out my robot.
Oh, wow.
Your robot? - Take a look.
- ROBOT: Enter command.
- You built this? - Yeah, I built this from scratch, and then I coded a few simple commands.
Simple commands? Son, you gave this thing life.
You are a life giver.
My son is a genius, everybody! A genius.
He get it from his daddy.
You said you weren't bringing him.
- He said he wasn't coming.
- Genius! DRE: I was proud of Jack and his robot, even if it was named after my least favorite Laker.
Ooh! LeBot James does it again! All right.
Let's run it once more from the top, all right? Can you make it do that again? Of course I can, Dad.
I programmed it.
Yes, you did program it.
Yes, you did! "Star Wars" ain't got nothing on you.
- Hey, Bow.
- Yeah? Put your phone down and come over here and look at your son's greatness.
- Uh - He's a genius.
Where was all this enthusiasm when I did the half-marathon? Well, I was half-happy for you.
- [Laughs.]
- Please continue to intellectually distance yourself from this man.
I love that you're doing robotics, sweetie.
Hey, not as much as I love it.
All right.
I'm gonna shut LBJ down for the night.
It's all about load management before regionals.
- Mm.
- You do that, son.
- So - Mm-hmm.
- Well, good night, LeBot.
- Ooh! Good night.
- [Chuckles.]
- Hey, Bow.
Can you believe that Jack is a science kid? I was not expecting this.
All the dreams that died when Junior dropped out, they've come back to life.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna be there for him and his team, - whatever they need.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm talking about computers, batteries, - money, girls.
- [Stammering.]
- Not the girls.
- Ah.
Maybe Maybe something a little more practical.
- Oh.
- Uh-huh.
- Tracksuits.
- Ah! Yeah, you know, ladies love a dude in a tracksuit.
- Yeah.
- Hey, you know what? This is opening up a whole new world, Bow.
Tell me about it.
We've got to re-evaluate our plans for this kid.
- Got to aim higher.
- Mm-hmm.
- More math, more science in high school.
- Yeah.
- Dre? - What? What about engineering college? [Gasps.]
- I'm with you.
- Yeah.
He gets accepted into a great college - Yeah.
- the government recruits him? - Oh, my God.
- Bow.
- Yes? - This is our ticket into the Apocalypse bunker under the Denver Airport.
There's gonna be Black people in the future because of our son.
Yes! And that's how my grandmother single-handedly overcame the institutional racism of the United States Postal Service.
Excuse me? So, you're saying Compton never had a Black mail lady before 1973? It did not.
Let me finish my story.
Much like Jackie Robinson, it took a certain kind of person to endure Me again.
Sorry to be that guy, but looks like there were quite a few Black women who worked there before 1973.
But this is what my grandma told me.
It's okay, Diane, my grandmother told me Obama was born in Kenya, and now she doesn't come to Thanksgiving anymore.
No, no, no, you have to understand, my grandmother was the first Black mail carrier in Compton.
That's why Quincy Jones chose her to personally deliver his Grammy [Laughter.]
Oh Uh, can I get an extension? - It doesn't matter at this point.
- Okay.
The Super Bowl of robotics is called the FIRST Robotics Competition.
And the same way the Mannings play football, the Johnsons were about to become robot people.
- Go, Jack! - You got this, baby! Isn't it nice that one of our kids has finally found a sport that makes sense? Oh, and Jack is so enthusiastic about this.
Way more realistic than him joining the A$AP mob.
Oh, oh.
- Looks like Jack is up next.
- [Gasps.]
Those judges better be nice to him.
I know how to put somebody in a coma without leaving any evidence.
That's why I love you.
- Oh, hey! - Here he goes! - Hey.
- Hey, hey.
- [Chuckles.]
- Good job, sweetheart.
- Good job.
- My son, he programmed that.
He's gonna work for NASA.
Yeah, Black Bill Gates.
Black Bill Gates! Black Bill Gates! BBG! - Way to go, Jack! - Whoo-whoo! [Laughs.]
That's our kid.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Okay! - Oh! They have a flair for the dramatic, I see.
Look at this! It's like a stage show in Vegas.
All right! [The Alan Parsons Project's "Sirius" plays.]
- Oh.
- Whoa.
Wow! Why are those robots so big and and Jack's is so Dinky.
I think the word you're looking for is dinky.
My kid programmed that one.
You boned me, Grandma.
I told your little postal story to my class, and it's all lies.
I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.
It was no misunderstanding.
Our grandmother straight-up lies.
She doesn't lie.
She's just lived an incredible life.
Uh, Grandma, you can prove that you were Pam Grier's body double, right? W-Well, yeah.
I mean But Magic Johnson is your cousin, right? Well, if you go back far enough, I know he is.
My application to the Navajo Nation - is coming back rejected, isn't it? - [Sighs.]
How could you let me buy all that turquoise? Look, I-I don't have to explain myself to some grown-ass man who thought his light eyes were gonna get him a casino check.
You made me humiliate myself in front of my entire class, Grandma.
Forget it.
I'm just gonna go with Mom's story of when she found that potato that looked like Tom Hanks.
Hey, Diane.
Diane, Diane, wait, wait.
Come on, now.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to embarrass you by making up that story.
I just You know, I thought I'd say something cool for all your friends.
But the truth is, you were right about me.
I just don't have an impressive story.
Hold up, Grandma.
That isn't true.
I mean, you raised an entire family as a single mother.
Junior, half the women on my block were single mothers.
Well, you're the only person I know who's fired a gun at someone.
If you were alive in the '70s, you fired a gun at someone.
That's certainly not a story.
Grandma, you blew up a boat and got away with it.
Well, I don't know if I got away with it entirely.
I'm not legally allowed in or around the ocean.
All right, look, enough of this, okay? I'm gonna call one of my girlfriends who served on City Council for 25 years, and we'll get your paper fixed up, okay? No, Grandma.
This is it.
This is the assignment.
I'm gonna do it about you, the real you.
The one that inspires me.
To violence without consequence.
Well, in that case, let me tell you about the time I found out how much arsenic wouldn't kill your grandfather.
- Okay.
- [Chuckles.]
There they go two very dangerous women.
Way to go, Kevin! Uh, hey.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, what is this? Uh, this is robotics.
If this is robotics, what the hell was my son doing? Uh, his best? Oh, I hope not, because those robots are doing windmill dunks.
Jack's robot couldn't even make it to the gym.
Hey, how can kids this young build robots like this? It's not that tough.
All you really need is a basic understanding of C or C++.
I take it you're not talking about grades.
How do you know so much about this, man? What are you, a-a rocket scientist? Aerospace engineer, but I won't bust your balls.
Oh, no.
My son's playing checkers while the robots these kids designed are playing chess.
We're all in over our heads.
Jack is doomed.
Ah, hey, Dad.
Hey! There's my boy genius! Ha.
Isn't it cool? It's a real medal, not like the fake ones Pops wears to get on airplanes early.
You know what, son? I'm proud of you, man.
That's great.
You know, I wasn't sure about robotics, but now I'm really feeling it.
Who knows what this could lead to? I could become an engineer.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I could end up working for NASA.
I could end up being on the design team that comes up with the next space shuttle.
Well, I don't know about the space shuttle, son.
What? Hey, you did great out there, and I'm proud of you, you know, but only the best of the best get to work on stuff like that.
So I can't be the best of the best? I'm just saying maybe we should manage your expectations.
You're telling me to manage expectations? You got a 2019 Clippers championship tattoo before the season started.
I didn't expect you to become one of the haters, Dad.
- What? - You know I'm allergic.
I had let my son down by telling him the truth.
Which is why I always say, "Lying saves lives.
" Hey.
Where's Jack? I don't know.
He's, uh, you know, - probably getting an ice cream - Oh.
or hanging out with his friends or crying in a corner because his father doesn't believe in him.
What did you do? Jack said he wanted to build rockets, and I might have said that he couldn't do it.
- Dre.
- What? The brave men and women of the space program put themselves in enough danger.
What was I supposed to do, huh? He's acting like robotics is his future.
Maybe it is.
- Bow.
- Yeah? - Look around you.
- Huh? What? All right.
Jack is in way over his head, and we can't help him catch up, because we are in way over our heads, too, Bow.
- N-No - You know what? Name me two jobs at NASA.
- Uh, okay.
Uh, astronaut and - Mm-hmm.
hidden figure.
- See? And you're the science parent.
- Okay.
How is this gonna be his thing? Dre, maybe his thing is just enjoying himself and and discovering a new interest.
- But is that enough? - [Sighs.]
I want to do more, but I don't want to see him fail again.
Maybe there isn't more for you to do, Dre.
Maybe it's just about cheering him on when he has a great day like today.
He did do good today, didn't he? - Yes, he did.
- Yeah, well, slow your roll.
- He didn't kill it.
- Dre.
Come on.
- I mean, the robot arm, it - Sorry.
- Oh.
- But I couldn't help overhearing.
- Okay.
- You know, when I first got into inventing, my parents didn't get it either.
But they supported it, and that meant the world to me.
Okay, you know, buddy, I don't mean to c-cut you off, but, uh, I don't really talk to weirdos at, uh, robotic competitions, you know? - It's just how I was raised.
- RAINBOW: Oh, no.
I get that a lot.
- Yeah, I bet you do.
- Okay, Dre.
- What? - You just called Dean Kamen a weirdo.
Yeah, that man right there.
Correction you let me call Dean Kamen a weirdo.
This one is on you.
Hey, hey, Dean! Hey, is Pluto still a planet, or is it just a star now?! Hey.
That's a good spot for that.
I put it with my basketball trophy and the hot-dog-eating contest.
Ah, it really tells "The Story of Jack.
" Oh, let me read this story of Jack.
Hey, son.
I just want to say I'm sorry for what I said before.
You were right.
I was hatin' for a minute.
But the truth is I just want to let you know I'm proud of you.
You know, this whole robot thing is new to me and kind of scary.
Of course it's scary to you.
- You were born before the light bulb.
- Hmm? Robotics was scary for me, too, in the beginning, but then I saw that you learn more from your failures than you do from your successes.
All right.
Yeah! A-And that's not all.
It made me realize that I can apply that to everything.
School, TikToks, cooking.
Today I made a ham and peanut butter sandwich.
- That was a hard fail.
- Mm.
But But, hey, tomorrow I can try ham and jelly.
- Who knows? - [Laughs.]
Yeah, son.
Who knows? I think robotics is your thing.
Yeah, I'm I'm happy that you're learning from this and that you're so into it.
I'm proud of you, Mr.
Thanks, Dad.
Hey, let's get serious for a second.
Whose job do you think will be replaced by a robot first? Mine or your mother's? Probably Mom's.
Yes! [Laughs.]
Because yours won't exist in five years.
Uh But I don't have any savings, son.
and that's how my grandmother found herself in maritime jail with a snitch named Sheila, and, as you can tell from my earlier stories ALL: Ruby don't like no snitch! Exactly.
I'm sorry, I just have a problem believing that if you grandmother caused all this physical and mental damage, that she could coexist in the same house as your grandfather.
Oh, be quiet, Jackson! Now, tell us more about your grandmother.
I'm feeling powerful, like when I listen to Lizzo.
Well, the year was 1983.
A young Terry McMillan watched my grandma throw a bunch of my grandfather's clothes into his car.
And the rest will live in cinematic and literary history.
[Cheers and applause.]

Previous EpisodeNext Episode