Black Jesus (2014) s03e03 Episode Script

1 [POOL BALLS THUDDING.]
[SIGHS.]
Man, I tell you, Pops outdid himself when He created catfish.
I mean, some people refer to them as bottom-feeders, but I refer to them as down-bottom delicacy.
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Hey, all I know is His arch rival Lucifer outdid hisself with this "That Damn Devil" hot sauce.
He he came up with this, babe.
Boom.
You do know that's just a company and a mascot, right? I mean, "That Damn Devil" ain't makin' no hot sauce.
It was made with plants created by Pops on the fifth day.
All I know is this is the most delicious, hottest sauce ever.
[LAUGHS.]
And you can't find it everywhere.
[LAUGHS.]
That's why a nigga keeps his own bottle with him.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Exclusive.
Boy, is it.
Hey, you notice Lloyd been acting funny lately? Oh, he's just mad 'cause he can't get drunk no more.
I told him it wasn't even on me.
Over there mad-doggin' and stuff.
He know I still love his ass.
Ain't that right, Lloyd? Did my ex-Lord and no-longer-my-savior say something? Oh! Boon! My P.
O.
You got Shalinka's keys? - Oh, yeah.
I'm on it.
- Come on, come on! I got to go! I got to go! Oh.
Hold up.
Hey.
Where that Devil? I don't know.
I think you put it in your pocket.
Probably fell out them baggy-ass track pants you got on.
Heh, heh.
Come on, Boon! We gonna be late, dawg! Come on! Damn.
Why you wearin' track pants, anyway? That's for runnin' niggas, not no damn wobblin'-ass niggas.
Heh, heh, heh.
[SNIFFS.]
[SMACKING LIPS.]
[SLURPS.]
Mmm! Man.
That Damn Devil ain't shit.
Ah.
It's all right.
[DRAWER OPENS.]
I am here to make a difference.
To help people.
I can make a difference.
My job is a privilege, and I am so grateful for my profession.
People pray every day to have a job like mine.
Today's gonna be a good day.
Man, you just a punk-ass P.
O.
You violatin' me? Why? The assault charge.
I know where you and your boy band live, bitch.
- Where do I live? - 112 North Roscoe.
Okay, that's that's where I live.
You tested positive for everything.
I have AIDS? I No.
Or I don't know.
How did I get AIDS?! [BLEEP.]
this list! "Think positive" bullshit.
Who the [BLEEP.]
decides to be a parole office, anyway, you [BLEEP.]
nerd? You ain't even a real cop, homey.
Hope you choke on a bowl of dicks and die, mother[BLEEP.]
Okay.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Well, thank you for the feedback.
[BLEEP.]
you.
Oh, God.
Oh, Jesus.
You called? Uh, no.
I didn't.
Uh Are you smoking? No, um never mind.
Uh, please.
Please, take a seat.
[SNIFFLES.]
Um, Mister, uh? Christ.
As in Jesus Christ.
But you can call me Jee, big dawg in the robe, the light supreme, Mister Turn-One-Fish-Into-5,000- And-Feed-A-Whole-Family.
It don't even matter what you call me, just as long as you call me.
And you just did.
What's happening, pimp? Well, gee zus.
Um my name's Tyler.
Praise be to you.
Um - Let me find your file.
- Hey, look, look.
How about we put that on hold and we talk about your file? My file? Man, I know somebody got that shit, man.
Nothing got turned in.
That phone's not coming back, Boonie.
Damn.
I liked that phone, man.
That was the Kuba Flip 4.
I can't figure out nothing after the Kuba Flip 4.
Psh, eBay.
Here.
Look.
That's my phone! Oh, yeah.
They got a bunch of Kuba Flip 4's on here.
Nah, look what I'm saying.
That's my actual phone.
Look.
That's my wallpaper.
Is that a bottle of Darby? Lloyd! and I keep reaching out, but it it feels like no one's listening.
Like this last guy, okay, he wanted me to choke to death on a bowl of dicks.
Some people need more motivation, man.
But at the end of the day, all that counts is what's in your heart.
And as long as that's right, Pops is with you.
He riding with you, and he gonna lead your way.
But, uh, [CLEARS THROAT.]
this New Compton Gardens, at this number, that's the best place to reach you? That's the homeboy Boonie.
Call that number any time.
I'm always with Boone.
He know how to get ahold of your boy.
So, uh, Jesus has a son named Boonie? No! [CHUCKLES.]
No kids for Jesus.
Naw, Pops would kill me again.
And, for real, that wasn't no fun the first time, pimp.
How 'bout we just say this next time, [BLEEP.]
that kiosk.
I'm just gonna come up in here and holla at you.
Cool? All right.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Ooh! Okay.
Hey, Louis! What's up, pimp? Hey, you better get that cholesterol down or you gonna die, dawg! - [LAUGHS.]
- [SIREN WAILING.]
- [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Damn, fool! - Huh? - Hey [BLEEP.]
you! Christ lives matter, mother[BLEEP.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Ohh, man.
I shoulda known.
I shoulda known.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yep.
[LOCK, BOLT CUTTERS CLATTER.]
Oh, this fool here He's stealing stuff! Man, what the hell? What's this? This Oh, this mother[BLEEP.]
This mother [SIGHS.]
Get your hands up [CHUCKLES.]
Tyler! What's happening, pimp? I mean, that's a dedicated P.
O.
right there, you know what I'm talkin' about? The boy making house calls and things.
Hey, so to what do I owe the honor, pimp? Uh, look I believe you.
What you talking about, pimp? [SIGHS.]
I believe you're Jesus.
I-I-I saw you get hit by that car when you were leaving the office.
Oh, snap! You saw that, huh? - Yeah.
- You saw that, right? - Yeah.
- Pops is dope, right? Yeah, I Actually, I kind of feel like this changes the course of my life forever.
It does, home-bolio! And your afterlife, too, pimp.
This here is cause for celebration.
Yeah, okay.
Smoke yours, man.
You got some weed? Oh, no.
Uh, not, uh not on me.
I'm at work.
- You got some cash? - Yeah.
Yeah, I got cash.
Come on.
Let's get some weed.
Uh, okay.
CASSANDRA: Are you sure this is all right? Like, just socializing with your clients like this? [SIGHS.]
Who knows? [GIGGLES.]
It's fine.
Uh I don't know.
I just I really want you to meet him.
Okay.
Okay.
I just I'm still wrapping my head around this.
But I love you, and if it's important to you, - then I want to explore it with you.
- Thank you, sweetie.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Oh.
I'll get it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Cassandra! So nice to - Oh - Oh, okay.
- So nice to meet you! - Yeah.
Well, I already know you, 'cause I am Jesus, you dig? Tyler, what's happening? I see you up in here living like a boss, pimp.
- Come here.
Give it to me.
- Okay.
- Give it to me.
- Oh-kay! Oh, yeah.
What's up? How you been, playboy? I'm good.
Right, hon? - Yeah.
- [GASPS.]
The Kuba people of the Congo! That one is sweet.
You got so many dope African artifacts and souvenirs in here Ooh, I really dig that from all your travels to our Africa.
'Cause I know you went down there, and you fed the hungry, you dig, and you also helped feed and clothe the homeless brothers and sisters down there.
I really appreciate that.
Girl, give me some.
Give me some.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
And that's why I knew you wouldn't trip if I brought one of my poor, unfed partners with me to celebrate this occasion with us.
Tyler, Cassandra, this is Boonie.
Boonie, this is my parole officer, Tyler, and his girl, Cassandra, who's really into the whole Africa, feed-the-world thing.
- Good lady.
- Anyway, hey.
What's up.
Can you point me to the bathroom? 'Cause I got to take a shit real bad.
I mean, I know we just met, and I hate to walk right up into your house and hit you with this bad news about tearing up your bathroom, but you know how it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know.
Unless Jesus can make the shit go away for a couple of hours, then I don't have to use they bathroom? [SLURPS, CHEWING LOUDLY.]
That's on Pops.
Nope.
[CHUCKLES.]
I still got to shit.
How long has he been in there? Is he ever coming out? - [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- Boonie's a big-ass man.
I mean, big man mean big turds.
Plus, his diet is all [BLEEP.]
up.
He been eating a lot of fish sandwiches and gummy worms lately.
That can't come out easy.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Boy, hey.
Well, y'all bathroom like a damn resort.
I couldn't just throw these back on and contaminate a clean ass with some dirty drawers.
Can I Can I put these in your washer? Ours is broke.
[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Damn.
Y'all got a lot of African shit.
Well, I lived in Nairobi for two years, and I have such a strong interest in the culture.
So so we have all this stuff.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, so tell me something Does Africa stink? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm just saying, like, I always imagined Africa to be mustier than a mother[BLEEP.]
That is really offensive.
Africa is so beautiful.
Oh, well, you know, you can have it if you want it.
Mother[BLEEP.]
like me, I need some pavement to walk on [CHUCKLING.]
you know? I can't I can't [BLEEP.]
with all that dirt and monkey shit.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Tyler, I think it's cool that your girl is into the negroid arts.
You know, she gonna help me find a white bitch.
[LAUGHS.]
White bitches don't stress you out like Black women, you know? Man, you ever had any Black pussy? Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I Well, I-I I have, um, dated an African-American woman before.
Hey, so look, which one you like going down on? Them or white bitches? You know, 'cause I'm just trying to figure it out, 'cause let me tell you, them white bitches, they throw it back at you.
[LAUGHS.]
Right in your mouth.
[LAUGHS.]
What the [BLEEP.]
is your problem? Can you please stop saying the word "white bitch"? Uh, Caucasian bitch.
- [SIGHS.]
- Just stop saying "bitch.
" You know what, Cassandra, I don't like that word, either.
Don't like it.
Really don't.
- It's actually deplorable.
- Oh.
Well, you didn't seem to have a problem with it when he said it about 18 times in the last 31 seconds, so I'm Jesus.
I hear that type of language all the time.
Don't phase me, though.
Oh, so blatant sexism doesn't phase you? Saying an entire continent of people stink doesn't phase you.
You're supposed to be Jesus, and you hang out with lowlifes like this? Exactly! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Much love, brother.
Good folks right here.
Good people.
I'm finna just go ahead and roll this blunt.
Ooh, twist a fat one.
You are a disgusting, contemptible, deplorable, racist, misogynist piece of human filth.
Do you say that because I'm Black or Tyler, I want these people the [BLEEP.]
out of my house! - So no white bitches? - Go! JESUS: Okay, Cassandra.
God bless y'all.
You got a beautiful home, though.
No, no, no! My ill-gotten gains are gone! No! Oh, boy.
Oh, Lord.
Thou shalt not steal, Lloyd.
You mean the way you stole the joy of my drunken inebriation? Huh? Lookit, Jesus.
Look at this.
Look at this.
No buzz.
I can drink all I want.
And that little petty-ass thievery for re-sale, at least I felt I was trying to do something for people.
And my eBay merchant ratings, oh, it's really gonna eat shit.
Eat shit! Eat shit! You know what that means? Eat shit! Eat shit, Jesus! Eat shit! So his grimy ass was flipping it all on eBay and making a killing.
That's messed up.
My stupid ass out here stealing rims.
This must be where the money really is.
If dumb, drunk Lloyd can do it, I can.
So, what you gonna do with it? Uh finders, keepers.
Hey, you want a jPad? Oh.
Aren't you going to work? Do you need to take a shower? [SIGHS.]
I was just thinking, um Maybe that job isn't for me.
[SCOFFS.]
Is this about your "hood" Jesus? What the [BLEEP.]
is your problem?! Of all the made-up Jesuses, you had to find the most [BLEEP.]
up one of all.
And where's the proof, huh? I didn't see any miracles.
He is not a fake.
And you know what, maybe maybe you are racist.
Huh? Denying the Black son of God? You know what, I'm not gonna force this on you any more.
I will explore it on my own.
I know what I saw.
- I saw a miracle! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
Come on and put your hands up [CAR LOCKS BEEP.]
Fellas.
BONNIE: Hey, Jesus, the white boy here, man.
Hey, uh, I would offer you something, but we don't have things like food.
Uh, you want a jPad? - Uh, yeah.
Sure thing.
- All right.
Last night was, uh, fun.
But did Cassandra have a good time, though? Hey, she a solid young lady, man.
You better keep her on your team.
Plus, she know all about the motherland.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Um matter of fact, I might need to crash here a few nights, if that's all right with you guys.
Oh, man, for sure.
You already know, man, that's nothing, man.
Check it out.
It be like that sometimes.
Look, mi casa es su casa.
Well, Boonie casa is su casa.
You get it, pimp.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh Listen, Jesus.
I was thinking, and I'm ready to commit.
To To this.
To you.
I want to love life, too.
That's what I'm talking about.
Well, let's find it, then, pimp! Hey, look, me and Boonie was just about to go to the store to get some more blunts and libations.
Man, we about to light this mother[BLEEP.]
up! Smoke! Take it in.
Feel God's love all through your lungs.
Breathe in love.
Breathe out the hate.
[ECHOING.]
Feel it.
Hit it.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You feel God's love? Pass me my shit, man.
You holdin' it too long.
[COUGHING.]
Sorry.
- [COUGHS.]
- Morning, pimp! - [GROANS.]
- What's happenin'? [CHUCKLES.]
Morning.
I had this dream we were dodging gunshots in a car chase with the cops.
For some reason, they only let us go after they took my pants.
Them cops, they really dug them trousers, dawg.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm telling you, pimp, this life ain't for everybody.
But we did get to save some souls last night Yes, we did in a major way.
Hey, new guy! Feel like making a coffee run? [CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[CAR DOORS CLOSE.]
You stole my jPad, [BLEEP.]
What? Whoa! I did not! Get him! Stop! Stop! I'm sorry! Jesus! [BLEEP.]
[TIRE IRON CLATTERS.]
Why did you guys give me a stolen jPad? That "find my phone" app nearly cost me my life.
Man, you just scared this condom off me.
And I didn't steal it! I-I got the stash of the person who did steal it.
And where's my coffee? Coffee?! No.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is crazy.
I-I don't get it.
Why do you guys do this? What is the point? We ask ourselves that all the time.
But it's supposed to pay off one day.
And it will.
It paid off for Fish.
It paid off for Maggie.
It paid off for Trayvon.
They all went on to better lives through me.
It pays every day for eternity to stay down with your Heavenly Father, pimp.
Basically, when you're dead.
I can't wait that long.
Tyler, Pops works through us all in mysterious ways.
And, by the way, He told me He already gave you the tools it takes to be great at that job and change the world.
All you got to do is trust your instincts.
Baby, if the Black Jesus has helped you see that you can make a real difference at your job, then I guess I was wrong about him.
[SIGHS.]
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
Meghann, send in my first.
Hey, hey.
Hold up, cuz.
Let me at him real quick.
Hey, Tyler.
I was all wrong, homey.
All that "think positive" nonsense landed my Black ass a job, homey.
It did? That's great! Uh, what are what are you doing? Beating up mother[BLEEP.]
at the Glam Gam Bikini Bar if they [BLEEP.]
with the girls.
Bitches really appreciate my ass now.
'Cause of your ass! Hey, come here, homey.
Hey.
You see this white this dude right here? Listen to him.
He'll set you straight.
All right.
You're still a [BLEEP.]
nerd.
[HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Thanks, Jesus.
The name's Jesus.
[HEY-ZOOS.]