Black Jesus (2014) s03e09 Episode Script
God's Team
1 COACH PLUMMER: Come on now! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
If you're going to play like this, Simi Valley Crushers is going to kill us.
We're going to get our asses kicked! - Absolutely.
- Come on, now! Hey, y'all eat some spaghetti.
Maybe this will help.
I want you boys big as hell.
Pancakes and syrup in the morning, steak and spaghetti all-day.
And don't even worry about it.
Y'all got years before that diabetes hit.
Please don't hurt me! Boon-Boon, you're running the wrong way, son! Dang, Boon-Boon, you about as confused as your damn dad.
- [SLAP.]
- Oh! Nigga! - [GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Damn, you looking good there, Ms.
Tudi.
Nigga, stop pushing up on me with your married ass.
I don't do that.
Get on now.
- [MUSIC STOPS, RESUMES.]
- Go on! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Jesus, these kids are terrible.
You know that? Aw, Ms.
Tudi, they ain't that bad.
They just need a little practice.
- They need boot camp! - Mm-hmm.
Back in the days, them black Compton devils used to beat the hell out of them sons-of-cops Simi Valley Skull Crushers.
Oh, so, wait a minute.
That little fat boy is a little fat girl? Aww, no.
That's Brenda.
She was struggling with her weight a little bit.
That's why her mama put her on the team.
Well, damn.
How fat was she before? Hey! Whoo! My number hit! [LAUGHING.]
Hey, thank you, Jesus! Hey, I ain't got nothing to do with that.
Don't thank me.
Pops don't play games of chance.
How much you win, baby? $2,000.
[LAUGHING.]
AMBRO: Damn.
And if I was a betting man, I'd bet on those Simi Valley Skull Crushers.
You know Ms.
Emma got them 10-to-1 favorite down there at the pool hall.
Uh, hey, baby.
Why don't you let mama hold on to that? No way.
And please, don't nobody tell Shalinka about the money.
I mean, I'm up on my payments, but, man, that woman want everything.
Those are your kids, Boon.
Hey, Jesus, here she comes, man.
Quick, take the money.
I don't want nothing to do with that deception, bruh! What was that envelope you had in your hand, Boonie? BOONIE: What envelope? Stop lying.
I saw the damn envelope, and it smelled like you had money in it.
Let me see your hands.
Mom! [CRYING.]
What?! Uh, you know she gonna take that money.
Better go and slide it to me.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I know something up with your ass.
I know it.
But you can trust I'm going to find out.
I want to apologize for my little attitude earlier, because I was thinking.
You don't care about your wife, why should I? [CHUCKLES.]
Mmm! Mmm, that's what I'm talking about.
Been waiting on you like a check.
Mmm, damn.
These legs sure are spicy.
Not as spicy as the legs I'm looking at right now.
No, no, no.
Don't touch just yet.
Unh-unh, nigga.
You better get up! Annabelle! Annabelle, my ass, nigga! Telling me you had a damn coaches' meeting.
The only game I see you working on is your damn mack game.
My bad! My bad, queen! Wait a minute, this is your husband? Nigga! You married?! Oh! You you wrong.
Damn right he is.
And there ain't going to be no more coaching.
Let's go.
Let's go! - Okay, baby! - Let's go! - Let's go! - It's over! [LAUGHING.]
- Oh! - Oh, my goodness.
You got that bitch here just in time! Part one worked like a charm.
- Now on to part two.
- Part two! Got to find a coach that knows how to win.
You know the game is tomorrow? Who do you have in mind? Jesus, can I ask you a question? Well, sure.
Is winning bad? Of course not.
Pops loves victory as long as it comes through him.
Just ask the big homie Moses.
Okay, Moses.
Um, 'cause it's just that I'm so worried about the Damn Devils.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
They little self-esteem is just so bruised up from all the losses.
And[CRYING.]
Boon-Boon said he don't know if he should go on living anymore! No! - He say that? - Yeah.
A-and it's just that I know how you care about the kids, and they need a coach that cares Like you.
- Hmm?! - Jesus, they need you.
[SNIFFLES, SOBS.]
I don't know, Ms.
Tudi.
You know I call bingo for the elderly down at the loving life home on fridays.
Nigga, it's only for one game And and until we find a real replacement.
[GROANS.]
You could smoke mine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ms.
Tudi.
Hm? You know God sent me here to service people.
You know what I'm saying? You know I love them kids.
[LAUGHS.]
So, Friday night, huh? Friday it is.
- All right.
- All right.
- Time for part three.
- Mm-hmm, that's right.
- Ms.
Emma! - Hey, Tudi, what's going on? What's going on, honey? - Lloyd.
- Howdy-do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey listen, Ms.
Emma, Lloyd and I would like to get in on a Damn Devils game.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not taking any more action on that game.
Everybody and their mama got the Skull Crushers winning, - whipping their ass! - No, no, no, no, not the Skull Crushers.
We want to put money on the Damn Devils.
Damn Devils! - Oh.
Tudi? - Hm? I know Lloyd ain't got no sense.
But since when you smoking your own stash? That don't make no sense.
$2,000 do? [LAUGHS.]
$2,050 I got my $50 in there.
All right, you big baller, huh? Oh, yeah.
My balls are huge.
I might be sick.
Okay, whatever.
Man, this is the easiest money I have ever made.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, look here all we need now is a little bit of insurance.
Now you're talking.
Look here I don't want nothing to happen to my $50.
What do you have in mind? Wow.
MAN: All right, boys.
Break it up.
Lunch lady Lloyd I mean, Lloydia ready to work! I didn't hear about anybody new starting today.
Uh, you might be at the wrong school.
Let me call down to the office and make sure you at the right place.
Hold on.
Just a minute.
You know how they always be messing up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
La Lodia? - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - What? A newborn baby in the freezer! Oh, my God! Not again! - Hey, look.
- What? Ow! Aah! Here you go, cutie pie.
Espionage, sabotage Espionage, sabotage Espionage Hey! Where's my gatorade?! It's game day! Right away, coach.
Mm-hmm.
Gatorade? More like "hater-ade".
I'm going to screw them little kids up I'm going to screw those little kids They're going to be dizzy! Dizzy! Ahh! Oh, here you go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Lookie here, y'all.
Ain't that a pretty color? Aah, drink up now.
Drink up.
Future-cop assholes.
[GULPING.]
There you go.
Come on over here.
Get you some of that.
Yeah.
Come on.
Drink up, you little, future cop.
[CHEERING.]
Bless this day that pops has made! Hey, your pops made this day, but he also made those mean, little cop-puppies that's about to kill our kid.
I hope you brought a bus-load of miracles with you, because we're going to need them, nigga.
[CHUCKLES.]
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Daryl Gates field, home of the Simi Valley Skull Crushers.
We welcome the Compton Damn Devils.
Let me remind all you fans out there lock your car before the game starts, and the state has no liability for anything stolen in the meantime.
Hey, hey, hey! Break it up, now! Lloyd! Lloyd! The hell did you give them, huh? Steroids? Listen to a man who been drunk for 40 years.
I don't give a damn if it's booze or sugar.
It's got to crash.
Always have, always will.
They better crash fast, because the game starts in 20 minutes.
Mm-hmm.
All right, coach.
Keep it clean out there.
We packing, too.
Well, I hope you have a permit for that, son.
Yeah, I got a permit for it.
Got a permit for this one, too, bitch.
- Coach Whiteman.
- Hey, Coach Whiteman.
How you doing? I'm Coach Jesus.
You have such a lovely stadium Hey, hey.
What'd you say? - I said I'm Jesus.
- But you're black.
See, that's only 'cause some churches altered my image to better connect with my message.
Why, how silly is that? 'Cause I'm like, everybody's brother.
You feel me? - Up high.
- Listen here, lunatic.
That hip-hoppity jive talk may work down in Compton, but you're in the Simi Valley now.
And we do it American-style.
We worship Jesus the real Jesus blue-eyed and white! Maybe slightly sun-kissed in the summer, but not a shade darker! All right, visiting coach, call it in the air.
Heads.
It's heads.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah.
You know what, Coach Whiteman? Where are my manners? Here, you take the ball, brother.
You can go first.
- Oh, that was your first mistake.
- Okay, bro.
No, your first mistake was talking that "I am Jesus" bullshit.
Whatever, bro.
No, no.
That was your second mistake.
Your third mistake was giving us the ball.
You know what your first mistake was? I have no idea, bro.
- Showing up.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Shalinka, what's wrong? Boonie dumb-ass brought margarita mix instead of Capri sun.
They was on sale! What?! You just grab this little Capri sun straw and stick it in like that.
I'm telling you it's the same shit! No, it's not.
Not if you can read, Boon.
Look, Shalinka.
Don't even trip.
It's all good.
It ain't all good, Jesus! We ain't got no Capri suns for the damn game! The bag is empty! Let me see it.
Let me see it.
[CHUCKLES.]
thank the lord.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- Thanks, Jesus.
- Thanks, Coach Christ.
I haven't seen you cramp up like this, son.
Keep drinking that gatorade.
Don't worry.
I've prepared you for this adversity.
When you were baptized, I had the preacher dip your balls in holy water.
All right? - [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Circle it up! Yeah.
Yeah! Oh, I love this intensity.
Yeah! Yeah! All right, Clay, put your mouth guard in.
You're going to bite through your damn lip.
Come on.
Aah!! ALL: Aah!! Now, before we get out here, we're going to take a moment and thank pops for bringing us all together on this beautiful Friday afternoon, right? Dear real Jesus, help us destroy our enemies, weaken their bones, embarrass their ancestors.
I ain't gonna do that, coach! Let's keep this thing positive! It's about the kids! I'll pray the way I want to pray! How the hell did he hear that? Look, guys.
Pops got something good for everybody.
You know what I'm saying? Everybody's a winner with pops! Rain down righteous fury.
Make them bleed.
Destroy the false prophet! This dude needs to chill.
What the f Oh.
My bad, kids.
I keep getting distracted.
- Can your boy get an "amen"? - ALL: Amen.
- Amen! - ALL: Amen! Yeah! Let's go! Let's go! All right, pimps, let's go out here and make some friends! Yeah! Yeah! Be compassionate! Brenda, girl, what is you doing sitting over there?! Girl, you're supposed to be on kick-off.
Go on.
Get up out there, girl! Why am I so weird? I'm a girl.
I should be a cheerleader, but I love football.
You know what? I was talking to pops earlier, and he told me to tell you that he got a plan for you.
Brenda, ain't nobody like you, and you ain't like nobody else.
You's a one-of-one.
All you got to do is put your trust in him, and go on, get yours, baby, 'cause you know he love you.
[CHUCKLING.]
Go ahead, girl! [CHEERING.]
COACH WHITEMAN: Son, get the ball! Hey.
Hey, what the hell you doing?! Come on! Block! 82, let's go! What the get up! Come on! I told you.
The crash is upon us.
What crash? Oh, baby, look what I go for you.
Oh, this is kiwi strawberry.
Thanks, mama.
All right, baby.
BOY: 3, 18! 3, 18! Hut! Hut! Yeah! Yeah, way to run that block, Brenda! Do that! That's it, Boon-Boon! Run it down, Boon! Touchdown! YThat's my little man right there! ANNOUNCER: Touchdown for the Damn Devils.
What's the matter with you?! Come on! Get over here! Hustle! Hustle, hustle, hustle! I want you to rip those sons-of-convicts' faces off! Blood makes the grass grow! Go! Go! Go, Brenda! Yeah! Big girl looking like Marshawn Lynch out there! [CHUCKLES.]
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
You were right about that crash.
Them [BLEEP.]
is out.
[CHUCKLING.]
We got money coming now, baby.
[GOSPEL PLAYING.]
Where Jesus going? Lord, I hope he's not about to do what I think he's going to do.
What he going to do? [CHILDREN GROANING.]
Damn it! He's doing it! Why does he have to be so [BLEEP.]
compassionate?! Well, he better not be compassionate with my money! Nigga, your money?! I count $20,000 I could lose! What about my $50?! Oh, yeah! Let's go! Yeah, let's go get them! Good luck in the second half, coach.
It will be a better one.
Keep hustling.
Damn, that was kind of Jesus-esque.
No.
Nah, it can't be.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
GCome on! Get him! Get him! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Touchdown! Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! ANNOUNCER: Touchdown, Skull Crushers! Good score, kids! Good score! Good score?! Really, Jesus? You let them back in the game! Why the [BLEEP.]
would you do that?! All right, field goal unit, get out there! Come on! All right, let's go, fellas.
Oh, damn! My $50 is good as gone.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait a second.
If Jesus can use his miracles to heal their team, then how come we can't pray for him to do a favor for our team? Absolutely right, Ms.
Tudi.
I'm going to send all my prayers to Jesus right now.
Jesus! [SOBBING.]
Jesus! Hey! Hey! I need all you mother[BLEEP.]
to pray that the kick don't go through them uprights.
Hear?! Pray! What?! I ain't never see you pray for nobody but yourself! Nigga, would you shut up and let me pray? Jesus, please don't let that ball go through them upright.
Lord, please let that ball go to the right.
- Please.
- Go to the right.
Go to the right.
BLACK JESUS: Veer to the right.
Veer to the right with it.
Holy Jesus, straighten out that kick! No, no.
Straight.
Straighten it out there.
Straight! Straight! Straight! Ah, well.
So, pops' will will be done.
No! Hey, it worked, y'all! Let them pray to their fake Black Jesus.
I'll pray to the real Jesus.
Jesus, it's me, Coach Whiteman.
We need a miracle.
A turnover now! - A turnover? - It's for the children.
[BLEEP.]
Jesus.
Whatever you're doing, don't.
Don't.
Please.
I can't resist a prayer for the children.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Touchdown! ANNOUNCER: Touchdown, Skull Crushers! We got to override that asshole's prayers to Jesus here.
Hey, I need all of y'all to pray your [BLEEP.]
asses off! Pray! Mom, chill out.
It's just a game.
What do you mean, just a game? I got $50 in there! She got $2,000! 10-to-1 odds? Whoo, that's a lot of money in your purse.
Wait a second.
My $2,000? I gave you that money so Shalinka couldn't spend it, and you waste it on a bet?! What you mean you hiding money from me? Why you think we sugared up them boys before the game? What do they call it Ms.
Tudi? Insurance? Yeah, yeah.
It was insurance.
What money, Boonie? Guys, we're missing the last play! Please, Jesus.
Let us recover this outside kick.
- Please let him fumble the ball.
- Please! BLACK JESUS: No, fumble it.
Fumble it.
Fumble it.
[CHUCKLING.]
yeah.
Whoo! It worked! It worked! Whoo! Lord, grant her the stupidity to lateral that ball again.
Lateral it again.
Yes! Jesus, I'm going to need you to help our kids.
BLACK JESUS: Ms.
Tudi, they all my kids.
Nigga, I'm praying to you! Is that what this is? Is that what the [BLEEP.]
you think this is? Some Oprah shit? You get a miracle! You get a miracle! You get a miracle! You man, [BLEEP.]
that.
I'm done.
This shit is out of my hands.
[CHEERING.]
[CROWD GROANS.]
SHALINKA: They dropped the ball! MS.
TUDI: The other way! The other way! There other way! This way! There you go! White Jesus! Make grandma some money! BOONIE: Yeah, that's my boy right there! [BLEEP.]
it.
I'll intercede myself! Aaah!! MAN: Touchdown! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
ANNOUNCER: Final score is 21-14.
Jesus.
I think I got my skull crushed.
I think you're right, pimp.
But pops said no more miracles today, so I suggest your ass call 911.
Modern medicine is about as miraculous as your ass is gonna get today.
Thanks for coaching, Jesus.
I didn't know I could do all that.
Me either.
Hey, all you kids got potential.
Pops blessed you all with the spirit to shine.
So shine While we celebrate with this pizza! [LAUGHS.]
Come on, pimps.
Eat up! Eat up! It's plenty.
It's enough for everybody.
What's up, playboys? Come over here and get some of this pizza.
Come break bread with your boy.
Come on.
Get some of this pizza, pimp.
It's gluten-free! Now, remember this moment, kids, because despite the fact that we on different football teams, we all on God's team.
Dig that.
And looking at y'all's faces, I can tell that yours will be the generation that end all this crap between the blacks and whites, the Comptons and the police.
You'll bring it all together like some real players like you know we is.
- Can I get an amen? - ALL: Amen.
Let's eat! [CHUCKLES.]
MS.
TUDI: Oh, yes! Amen! Oh, full of joy! Full of joy! Praise pops.
What's happening, Ms.
Tudi? For the first time, Jesus, your heavenly ass has made me some money! Me, too! - Oh, y'all talking about that bet.
- Mm-hmm.
Ms.
Tudi, you know gambling only leads to pain and hardship.
So, I went by Ms.
Emma's and asked her to give me the money back.
Good, it's my money, anyway.
Hey, nigga! I see you! "Lloydia", my ass! Aah! You old sucker! I'MMA get you! I'MMA get you! You need to give me some of that, Boonie.
All of y'all can chill, 'cause I told you that money won't do nothing, but bring you grief and sorrow.
Them 20 stacks? To quote pops' newest angel, "Mo' money, mo' problems".
What did you do with the $2,050? New uniforms and new coach! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thanks, Jesus.
Ain't all this love better than some ill-gotten gains? No! Ill-gotten gains are way better! Right! I agree with Boonie this time! You know what? You lucky! You lucky I ain't got a cross! BLACK JESUS: Hey, Ms.
Tudi.
There's kids out here.
Victory on three! 1, 2, 3! ALL: Victory! - 1, 2, 3! - Victory! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
If you're going to play like this, Simi Valley Crushers is going to kill us.
We're going to get our asses kicked! - Absolutely.
- Come on, now! Hey, y'all eat some spaghetti.
Maybe this will help.
I want you boys big as hell.
Pancakes and syrup in the morning, steak and spaghetti all-day.
And don't even worry about it.
Y'all got years before that diabetes hit.
Please don't hurt me! Boon-Boon, you're running the wrong way, son! Dang, Boon-Boon, you about as confused as your damn dad.
- [SLAP.]
- Oh! Nigga! - [GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Damn, you looking good there, Ms.
Tudi.
Nigga, stop pushing up on me with your married ass.
I don't do that.
Get on now.
- [MUSIC STOPS, RESUMES.]
- Go on! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Jesus, these kids are terrible.
You know that? Aw, Ms.
Tudi, they ain't that bad.
They just need a little practice.
- They need boot camp! - Mm-hmm.
Back in the days, them black Compton devils used to beat the hell out of them sons-of-cops Simi Valley Skull Crushers.
Oh, so, wait a minute.
That little fat boy is a little fat girl? Aww, no.
That's Brenda.
She was struggling with her weight a little bit.
That's why her mama put her on the team.
Well, damn.
How fat was she before? Hey! Whoo! My number hit! [LAUGHING.]
Hey, thank you, Jesus! Hey, I ain't got nothing to do with that.
Don't thank me.
Pops don't play games of chance.
How much you win, baby? $2,000.
[LAUGHING.]
AMBRO: Damn.
And if I was a betting man, I'd bet on those Simi Valley Skull Crushers.
You know Ms.
Emma got them 10-to-1 favorite down there at the pool hall.
Uh, hey, baby.
Why don't you let mama hold on to that? No way.
And please, don't nobody tell Shalinka about the money.
I mean, I'm up on my payments, but, man, that woman want everything.
Those are your kids, Boon.
Hey, Jesus, here she comes, man.
Quick, take the money.
I don't want nothing to do with that deception, bruh! What was that envelope you had in your hand, Boonie? BOONIE: What envelope? Stop lying.
I saw the damn envelope, and it smelled like you had money in it.
Let me see your hands.
Mom! [CRYING.]
What?! Uh, you know she gonna take that money.
Better go and slide it to me.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I know something up with your ass.
I know it.
But you can trust I'm going to find out.
I want to apologize for my little attitude earlier, because I was thinking.
You don't care about your wife, why should I? [CHUCKLES.]
Mmm! Mmm, that's what I'm talking about.
Been waiting on you like a check.
Mmm, damn.
These legs sure are spicy.
Not as spicy as the legs I'm looking at right now.
No, no, no.
Don't touch just yet.
Unh-unh, nigga.
You better get up! Annabelle! Annabelle, my ass, nigga! Telling me you had a damn coaches' meeting.
The only game I see you working on is your damn mack game.
My bad! My bad, queen! Wait a minute, this is your husband? Nigga! You married?! Oh! You you wrong.
Damn right he is.
And there ain't going to be no more coaching.
Let's go.
Let's go! - Okay, baby! - Let's go! - Let's go! - It's over! [LAUGHING.]
- Oh! - Oh, my goodness.
You got that bitch here just in time! Part one worked like a charm.
- Now on to part two.
- Part two! Got to find a coach that knows how to win.
You know the game is tomorrow? Who do you have in mind? Jesus, can I ask you a question? Well, sure.
Is winning bad? Of course not.
Pops loves victory as long as it comes through him.
Just ask the big homie Moses.
Okay, Moses.
Um, 'cause it's just that I'm so worried about the Damn Devils.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
They little self-esteem is just so bruised up from all the losses.
And[CRYING.]
Boon-Boon said he don't know if he should go on living anymore! No! - He say that? - Yeah.
A-and it's just that I know how you care about the kids, and they need a coach that cares Like you.
- Hmm?! - Jesus, they need you.
[SNIFFLES, SOBS.]
I don't know, Ms.
Tudi.
You know I call bingo for the elderly down at the loving life home on fridays.
Nigga, it's only for one game And and until we find a real replacement.
[GROANS.]
You could smoke mine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ms.
Tudi.
Hm? You know God sent me here to service people.
You know what I'm saying? You know I love them kids.
[LAUGHS.]
So, Friday night, huh? Friday it is.
- All right.
- All right.
- Time for part three.
- Mm-hmm, that's right.
- Ms.
Emma! - Hey, Tudi, what's going on? What's going on, honey? - Lloyd.
- Howdy-do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey listen, Ms.
Emma, Lloyd and I would like to get in on a Damn Devils game.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not taking any more action on that game.
Everybody and their mama got the Skull Crushers winning, - whipping their ass! - No, no, no, no, not the Skull Crushers.
We want to put money on the Damn Devils.
Damn Devils! - Oh.
Tudi? - Hm? I know Lloyd ain't got no sense.
But since when you smoking your own stash? That don't make no sense.
$2,000 do? [LAUGHS.]
$2,050 I got my $50 in there.
All right, you big baller, huh? Oh, yeah.
My balls are huge.
I might be sick.
Okay, whatever.
Man, this is the easiest money I have ever made.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, look here all we need now is a little bit of insurance.
Now you're talking.
Look here I don't want nothing to happen to my $50.
What do you have in mind? Wow.
MAN: All right, boys.
Break it up.
Lunch lady Lloyd I mean, Lloydia ready to work! I didn't hear about anybody new starting today.
Uh, you might be at the wrong school.
Let me call down to the office and make sure you at the right place.
Hold on.
Just a minute.
You know how they always be messing up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
La Lodia? - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - What? A newborn baby in the freezer! Oh, my God! Not again! - Hey, look.
- What? Ow! Aah! Here you go, cutie pie.
Espionage, sabotage Espionage, sabotage Espionage Hey! Where's my gatorade?! It's game day! Right away, coach.
Mm-hmm.
Gatorade? More like "hater-ade".
I'm going to screw them little kids up I'm going to screw those little kids They're going to be dizzy! Dizzy! Ahh! Oh, here you go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Lookie here, y'all.
Ain't that a pretty color? Aah, drink up now.
Drink up.
Future-cop assholes.
[GULPING.]
There you go.
Come on over here.
Get you some of that.
Yeah.
Come on.
Drink up, you little, future cop.
[CHEERING.]
Bless this day that pops has made! Hey, your pops made this day, but he also made those mean, little cop-puppies that's about to kill our kid.
I hope you brought a bus-load of miracles with you, because we're going to need them, nigga.
[CHUCKLES.]
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Daryl Gates field, home of the Simi Valley Skull Crushers.
We welcome the Compton Damn Devils.
Let me remind all you fans out there lock your car before the game starts, and the state has no liability for anything stolen in the meantime.
Hey, hey, hey! Break it up, now! Lloyd! Lloyd! The hell did you give them, huh? Steroids? Listen to a man who been drunk for 40 years.
I don't give a damn if it's booze or sugar.
It's got to crash.
Always have, always will.
They better crash fast, because the game starts in 20 minutes.
Mm-hmm.
All right, coach.
Keep it clean out there.
We packing, too.
Well, I hope you have a permit for that, son.
Yeah, I got a permit for it.
Got a permit for this one, too, bitch.
- Coach Whiteman.
- Hey, Coach Whiteman.
How you doing? I'm Coach Jesus.
You have such a lovely stadium Hey, hey.
What'd you say? - I said I'm Jesus.
- But you're black.
See, that's only 'cause some churches altered my image to better connect with my message.
Why, how silly is that? 'Cause I'm like, everybody's brother.
You feel me? - Up high.
- Listen here, lunatic.
That hip-hoppity jive talk may work down in Compton, but you're in the Simi Valley now.
And we do it American-style.
We worship Jesus the real Jesus blue-eyed and white! Maybe slightly sun-kissed in the summer, but not a shade darker! All right, visiting coach, call it in the air.
Heads.
It's heads.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah.
You know what, Coach Whiteman? Where are my manners? Here, you take the ball, brother.
You can go first.
- Oh, that was your first mistake.
- Okay, bro.
No, your first mistake was talking that "I am Jesus" bullshit.
Whatever, bro.
No, no.
That was your second mistake.
Your third mistake was giving us the ball.
You know what your first mistake was? I have no idea, bro.
- Showing up.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Shalinka, what's wrong? Boonie dumb-ass brought margarita mix instead of Capri sun.
They was on sale! What?! You just grab this little Capri sun straw and stick it in like that.
I'm telling you it's the same shit! No, it's not.
Not if you can read, Boon.
Look, Shalinka.
Don't even trip.
It's all good.
It ain't all good, Jesus! We ain't got no Capri suns for the damn game! The bag is empty! Let me see it.
Let me see it.
[CHUCKLES.]
thank the lord.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- Thanks, Jesus.
- Thanks, Coach Christ.
I haven't seen you cramp up like this, son.
Keep drinking that gatorade.
Don't worry.
I've prepared you for this adversity.
When you were baptized, I had the preacher dip your balls in holy water.
All right? - [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Circle it up! Yeah.
Yeah! Oh, I love this intensity.
Yeah! Yeah! All right, Clay, put your mouth guard in.
You're going to bite through your damn lip.
Come on.
Aah!! ALL: Aah!! Now, before we get out here, we're going to take a moment and thank pops for bringing us all together on this beautiful Friday afternoon, right? Dear real Jesus, help us destroy our enemies, weaken their bones, embarrass their ancestors.
I ain't gonna do that, coach! Let's keep this thing positive! It's about the kids! I'll pray the way I want to pray! How the hell did he hear that? Look, guys.
Pops got something good for everybody.
You know what I'm saying? Everybody's a winner with pops! Rain down righteous fury.
Make them bleed.
Destroy the false prophet! This dude needs to chill.
What the f Oh.
My bad, kids.
I keep getting distracted.
- Can your boy get an "amen"? - ALL: Amen.
- Amen! - ALL: Amen! Yeah! Let's go! Let's go! All right, pimps, let's go out here and make some friends! Yeah! Yeah! Be compassionate! Brenda, girl, what is you doing sitting over there?! Girl, you're supposed to be on kick-off.
Go on.
Get up out there, girl! Why am I so weird? I'm a girl.
I should be a cheerleader, but I love football.
You know what? I was talking to pops earlier, and he told me to tell you that he got a plan for you.
Brenda, ain't nobody like you, and you ain't like nobody else.
You's a one-of-one.
All you got to do is put your trust in him, and go on, get yours, baby, 'cause you know he love you.
[CHUCKLING.]
Go ahead, girl! [CHEERING.]
COACH WHITEMAN: Son, get the ball! Hey.
Hey, what the hell you doing?! Come on! Block! 82, let's go! What the get up! Come on! I told you.
The crash is upon us.
What crash? Oh, baby, look what I go for you.
Oh, this is kiwi strawberry.
Thanks, mama.
All right, baby.
BOY: 3, 18! 3, 18! Hut! Hut! Yeah! Yeah, way to run that block, Brenda! Do that! That's it, Boon-Boon! Run it down, Boon! Touchdown! YThat's my little man right there! ANNOUNCER: Touchdown for the Damn Devils.
What's the matter with you?! Come on! Get over here! Hustle! Hustle, hustle, hustle! I want you to rip those sons-of-convicts' faces off! Blood makes the grass grow! Go! Go! Go, Brenda! Yeah! Big girl looking like Marshawn Lynch out there! [CHUCKLES.]
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
You were right about that crash.
Them [BLEEP.]
is out.
[CHUCKLING.]
We got money coming now, baby.
[GOSPEL PLAYING.]
Where Jesus going? Lord, I hope he's not about to do what I think he's going to do.
What he going to do? [CHILDREN GROANING.]
Damn it! He's doing it! Why does he have to be so [BLEEP.]
compassionate?! Well, he better not be compassionate with my money! Nigga, your money?! I count $20,000 I could lose! What about my $50?! Oh, yeah! Let's go! Yeah, let's go get them! Good luck in the second half, coach.
It will be a better one.
Keep hustling.
Damn, that was kind of Jesus-esque.
No.
Nah, it can't be.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
GCome on! Get him! Get him! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Touchdown! Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! ANNOUNCER: Touchdown, Skull Crushers! Good score, kids! Good score! Good score?! Really, Jesus? You let them back in the game! Why the [BLEEP.]
would you do that?! All right, field goal unit, get out there! Come on! All right, let's go, fellas.
Oh, damn! My $50 is good as gone.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait a second.
If Jesus can use his miracles to heal their team, then how come we can't pray for him to do a favor for our team? Absolutely right, Ms.
Tudi.
I'm going to send all my prayers to Jesus right now.
Jesus! [SOBBING.]
Jesus! Hey! Hey! I need all you mother[BLEEP.]
to pray that the kick don't go through them uprights.
Hear?! Pray! What?! I ain't never see you pray for nobody but yourself! Nigga, would you shut up and let me pray? Jesus, please don't let that ball go through them upright.
Lord, please let that ball go to the right.
- Please.
- Go to the right.
Go to the right.
BLACK JESUS: Veer to the right.
Veer to the right with it.
Holy Jesus, straighten out that kick! No, no.
Straight.
Straighten it out there.
Straight! Straight! Straight! Ah, well.
So, pops' will will be done.
No! Hey, it worked, y'all! Let them pray to their fake Black Jesus.
I'll pray to the real Jesus.
Jesus, it's me, Coach Whiteman.
We need a miracle.
A turnover now! - A turnover? - It's for the children.
[BLEEP.]
Jesus.
Whatever you're doing, don't.
Don't.
Please.
I can't resist a prayer for the children.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Touchdown! ANNOUNCER: Touchdown, Skull Crushers! We got to override that asshole's prayers to Jesus here.
Hey, I need all of y'all to pray your [BLEEP.]
asses off! Pray! Mom, chill out.
It's just a game.
What do you mean, just a game? I got $50 in there! She got $2,000! 10-to-1 odds? Whoo, that's a lot of money in your purse.
Wait a second.
My $2,000? I gave you that money so Shalinka couldn't spend it, and you waste it on a bet?! What you mean you hiding money from me? Why you think we sugared up them boys before the game? What do they call it Ms.
Tudi? Insurance? Yeah, yeah.
It was insurance.
What money, Boonie? Guys, we're missing the last play! Please, Jesus.
Let us recover this outside kick.
- Please let him fumble the ball.
- Please! BLACK JESUS: No, fumble it.
Fumble it.
Fumble it.
[CHUCKLING.]
yeah.
Whoo! It worked! It worked! Whoo! Lord, grant her the stupidity to lateral that ball again.
Lateral it again.
Yes! Jesus, I'm going to need you to help our kids.
BLACK JESUS: Ms.
Tudi, they all my kids.
Nigga, I'm praying to you! Is that what this is? Is that what the [BLEEP.]
you think this is? Some Oprah shit? You get a miracle! You get a miracle! You get a miracle! You man, [BLEEP.]
that.
I'm done.
This shit is out of my hands.
[CHEERING.]
[CROWD GROANS.]
SHALINKA: They dropped the ball! MS.
TUDI: The other way! The other way! There other way! This way! There you go! White Jesus! Make grandma some money! BOONIE: Yeah, that's my boy right there! [BLEEP.]
it.
I'll intercede myself! Aaah!! MAN: Touchdown! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
ANNOUNCER: Final score is 21-14.
Jesus.
I think I got my skull crushed.
I think you're right, pimp.
But pops said no more miracles today, so I suggest your ass call 911.
Modern medicine is about as miraculous as your ass is gonna get today.
Thanks for coaching, Jesus.
I didn't know I could do all that.
Me either.
Hey, all you kids got potential.
Pops blessed you all with the spirit to shine.
So shine While we celebrate with this pizza! [LAUGHS.]
Come on, pimps.
Eat up! Eat up! It's plenty.
It's enough for everybody.
What's up, playboys? Come over here and get some of this pizza.
Come break bread with your boy.
Come on.
Get some of this pizza, pimp.
It's gluten-free! Now, remember this moment, kids, because despite the fact that we on different football teams, we all on God's team.
Dig that.
And looking at y'all's faces, I can tell that yours will be the generation that end all this crap between the blacks and whites, the Comptons and the police.
You'll bring it all together like some real players like you know we is.
- Can I get an amen? - ALL: Amen.
Let's eat! [CHUCKLES.]
MS.
TUDI: Oh, yes! Amen! Oh, full of joy! Full of joy! Praise pops.
What's happening, Ms.
Tudi? For the first time, Jesus, your heavenly ass has made me some money! Me, too! - Oh, y'all talking about that bet.
- Mm-hmm.
Ms.
Tudi, you know gambling only leads to pain and hardship.
So, I went by Ms.
Emma's and asked her to give me the money back.
Good, it's my money, anyway.
Hey, nigga! I see you! "Lloydia", my ass! Aah! You old sucker! I'MMA get you! I'MMA get you! You need to give me some of that, Boonie.
All of y'all can chill, 'cause I told you that money won't do nothing, but bring you grief and sorrow.
Them 20 stacks? To quote pops' newest angel, "Mo' money, mo' problems".
What did you do with the $2,050? New uniforms and new coach! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thanks, Jesus.
Ain't all this love better than some ill-gotten gains? No! Ill-gotten gains are way better! Right! I agree with Boonie this time! You know what? You lucky! You lucky I ain't got a cross! BLACK JESUS: Hey, Ms.
Tudi.
There's kids out here.
Victory on three! 1, 2, 3! ALL: Victory! - 1, 2, 3! - Victory! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]