Black Mirror (2011) s04e01 Episode Script

USS Callister

1 - [MAN.]
Captain Daly.
- Report.
A non-federation vessel jumped straight out of white space right in front of us.
- Valdack.
- That can't be.
My data scan indicates a heavily armored Gorgan Dreadnought, vessel ID number 9864321.
Thank you, Dudani.
Valdack must have hijacked it from the Fermi hub and tracked our position.
- Tulaska, shield status? - Shields 100%.
- Helmsman Packer? - Captain.
- Prime rear thrusters.
- Rear thrusters primed.
If that's Valdack, he'll rip us to shreds.
Captain, we have to surrender.
There's no other way.
Let's not lose our heads, Lieutenant Walton.
- Shields at 68%.
Heavy damage reported, decks six through ten.
Fires in med center and major rupture to cargo bay Alpha.
We've got no choice! Do you want me to open comms with Valdack's craft, Captain? - Negative.
- Shields at 54%.
- There's no way out.
- Captain, please.
- [DALY.]
Not now, Walton.
Helmsman Packer, take us into that asteroid gas cluster.
- Into the cluster? - That's suicide, sir.
It is our only chance.
That gas cluster is charged with ionized pyron particles.
If our shields hold, we can use them to increase our photon intensity.
Packer, increase thrusters.
Shields at 43%.
It'll tear the ship apart, Captain! Walton, you are a Space Fleet officer.
Act accordingly.
- Shields at 32%.
- Valdack's not following.
Packer, turn us around.
- [DALY.]
Tulaska, charge photon bolts.
- Bolts charged, Captain.
- Fire! - [ZAPPING.]
His hull's breached, shields gone.
He's defenseless.
- Lieutenant Lowry, open comms.
- He's already hailing us, Captain.
- [DALY.]
On screen.
Captain Daly, may you drown in the venom of 900 Tragorian snakes! [DALY.]
You are defeated, Valdack.
Return the plasmorthian crystal and we'll cause you no more damage.
You must think me a fool, Captain! I know the crystal's capabilities, and I will die before I give it up! I gave you a chance, Valdack, showed you mercy.
- Reflect on that while you can.
- [YELLS.]
- Close comms.
- Tulaska, destroy his ship.
- Yes, Captain.
- That was incredible, Captain.
- You saved our lives.
I'm so sorry I lost it back there, Captain.
Not for the first time, Walton.
And I should know by now never to doubt you.
Please forgive me.
At ease, Walton.
Captain, sensors indicate an escape pod ejected from Valdack's ship before detonation.
He's escaping with the crystal.
You want me to plot a pursuit course, Captain? No.
We'll let him go for now.
- Great decision-making, Captain.
- Three cheers for Captain Daly.
- Hip hip.
- [ALL.]
Hooray! - Hip hip.
- [ALL.]
Hooray! - Hip hip.
- [ALL.]
Hooray! For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow And so say all of us God bless you, Captain.
God bless you.
Thirteenth floor.
- Welcome to Callister.
- Oh.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Uh Elena, my pass doesn't work.
You must renew on first of each month.
Yeah, I know that, but the first was on the weekend, so OK.
- [BEEPS.]
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Prepare to enter the most immersive gaming experience in years, Infinity, from Callister Inc.
- Morning, Mr.
- Helmsman Packer.
Huh? Uh, I mean, Mr.
Are you making coffees? Yeah.
Do you think maybe you could make me one too? [LAUGHS.]
Sure, sure.
Uh, what do you want? Just vanilla latte.
Skim milk.
Yeah, good call.
those are very, very big numbers.
We might just have to hold you to that.
Well, no, yes, of course.
Oh, are you OK, man? [SIGHS.]
I guess you didn't see my gym bag.
Come on.
- I'm sorry, bud.
- OK.
You left it [GROANS.]
You're gonna do it for me and make it good.
You know you are a god to me at least.
The ladies' bathroom is that way.
The sign's kind of confusing.
You're Robert Daly, right? - Right.
- Yeah, hi.
I'm Nanette, Nanette Cole.
Um I started here today, coding on the update, and I just wanted to, uh, pass on my admiration to the person who actually designed Infinity.
The procedural algorithm is amazing.
It's just some beautiful code.
Thank you.
That's actually the reason that I wanted to work here.
- You must be busy.
I'm so sorry.
- No, no, it's fine.
- Sorry.
- No.
- Well, just fangirling.
Ooh vintage.
- Yeah, it's Space Fleet.
- Wow.
It's a TV show.
Before your time.
Before my time, actually.
But it was visionary.
Is this on, like, tape? Yeah, I've got the VHS, the DVD, Blu-ray.
The whole thing.
Seasons one to six.
Netflix has it these days, but Aboard the spaceship USS Callister.
- OK, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
So OK, so Callister is like the, uh Yeah, when we set up the company, um I suggested we call it Callister as kind of a little tribute.
Walton didn't really get the reference, but he let me have that one.
Mini-skirted damsels.
A little cold for that in space.
That is just what a Bargradian sand warrior would say.
Bob, Christmas is closing in like a goddamn meteor.
We've got customers all over our balls waiting for the Infinity update.
Tell me it's gonna be up and running before the weekend.
- Oh, I'll ask Kabir - You're CTO.
Don't ask anybody anything.
You should be telling people things like I'm telling you right now.
- I'll talk to him.
- Good.
- I'm sorry.
- OK.
- Hello.
Sorry, I couldn't find a good moment to Oh, you must be new.
Uh I'm James Walton.
I run the company.
I - Well, we run the company, kind of.
Bob here is the hardware, and I am the shiny front end.
- I'm Nanette Cole.
Which department? - Engine architecture.
- And it's your first day? Uh - [STUTTERS.]
- Have you had the tour? - [KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
- No, I Please, allow me.
It was so nice to meet you.
Just a little bit.
It's a different environment I set up here.
People call it a carefree environment.
I call it "care-full.
" - [NANETTE.]
- Not scary.
Dudani? Kabir? Mm.
Do you have the latest ETA on the update patch? It's just there's still some runtime errors.
Well, the thing is, we could have it ready by end of play today, but if we had time, we could alter the trading mechanics, tweak the critical hit system, but of course, that'd add another week, maybe ten days or so.
Daly? - Yeah.
Yeah, do all of that, thank you.
- I'll OK, we're on it.
Welcome back, Captain.
Have you located Valdack's position? Not yet, but our sensors are scanning every star system between here and Valatros.
So your answer is no? Uh I'm afraid so, sir.
You are pathetic, Walton.
What are you? - [WALTON GASPING.]
- What's that? [INHALES.]
So Valdack's out there somewhere and you village idiots are asleep at the wheel.
You're not just disgraceful, you're disgusting, all of you.
So can you do one thing? Can you find Valdack? I'm not asking.
I'm telling you! Understand? - Hmm? - Yes.
- [DALY.]
Yes? - Yes, Captain.
- [DALY.]
- Aye, Captain.
Huh? Well, all right.
Tulaska, check security protocols.
If they've expired, you're in trouble.
- Yes, Captain.
Dudani, recheck those probe results.
- No room for errors.
- Of course, Captain.
- Helmsman Packer? - Captain.
Vanilla latte.
- Skim milk.
- At once.
Exit game.
Hi, Nanette.
You feel like you have everything you need here? Mm-hmm.
- All right.
That's a nice sweater.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Cashmere? - [CHATTERING.]
Daly, got that new ETA on the update patch.
- New ETA? - Yeah, it's all good.
But now we're looking at December 24th for rollout.
We don't patch until Christmas Eve? Well, yeah, I mean, with the alterations you approved.
Thank you.
- Hi, Robert.
- Hi.
Um, I was just gonna fix a coffee.
Do you want one? - Sure.
- OK.
Um vanilla latte with skim milk.
- OK.
- Well, yes, they are great numbers.
- Ta-ta.
Total fucking shitwit.
- Do you want coffee? - Um, Brushed Suede.
Thank you.
So how are you settling in? Are you settling in? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Everyone here is really friendly.
And um it is not like my last job, thank God.
- Yeah? - It was a toxic workplace, you know.
- My boss was a major-league bully and - [MACHINE BEEPS.]
- It's not like here, like with Mr - Walton.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
He's a really good guy.
He's a bit of a player.
Chuck a sandwich across the room, he'll fuck it before it hits the ground, - but he's basically an all right bloke.
Well, there's uh two bosses here anyway, so I guess - Two how? - Robert Daly.
Oh! I mean, well, yeah, technically.
Daly is actually the whole reason that I'm here.
- Really? Interesting.
I mean Who wouldn't wanna work under an incredible mind like that, you know? His coding is [LAUGHS.]
It's sublime.
Do you have a thing for him? Daly? No, no.
It's not like that.
It's purely It's professional.
I like his code.
Fucking hell, I was gonna say, you know, don't be too nice to him 'cause he gets a bit starey.
Wide berth, that's my advice.
Wide berth.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- [LOWRY.]
- No bye.
I'm coming.
Suck a dick, Karl.
Later, guys.
Welcome to Callister.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Goddamn it, Robert! - Christmas Eve.
Really? - Uh Not OK.
Hello? [ECHOES.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, boy.
It looks like there's a new girl in the office.
What's your name, hon? [WALTON.]
Come in.
Let me fix you a drink.
We have everything from Bengarian phlegm shots to uh ooh, distilled root blood from the Cangor quadrant.
What's your poison? Some of this actually is poison, so don't be shy.
Am I dreaming? Yeah, no, no, 'fraid not.
- I remember dreaming.
Me too.
But where am I? This is the USS Callister, Space Fleet's finest, exploring the furthest reaches of the known universe and beyond.
We are its loyal space crew and now, apparently, so are you.
Your name? Babe, what's your name? Nanette.
We've met.
Maybe, in the real world.
I wouldn't have no way of knowing.
- What do you mean? - You'd better sit down.
No, I don't I don't wanna sit down.
I wanna know what's going on.
You're on board Robert Daly's ship.
Robert Daly, the CTO? Here he's Captain Daly, our fearless leader.
Yeah, you're seriously gonna need to sit the fuck down.
- Uh - Welcome.
You are um Hey, hey.
You're the intern from work, right? Nate? Packer.
Nate Packer.
So I'm still just the intern out there? Jesus.
You're um You're You're Dudani.
- Welcome.
- Right.
- You're the receptionist, right? - Elena.
- Your skin is blue.
Weird blue alien skin, I know.
It's fucked up.
Almost sort of racist.
Walt, fix her something, something she'll recognize.
- Hey.
So what's it like out there now? - What? - What year is it? - [LOWRY.]
Don't do her head in.
What? - What year? I [STUTTERS.]
saw you today.
Did you see me? Did I look thin? Hmm? Like, wheatgrass yogurt thin? Can we not pop her fucking mind? Someone needs to be straight with me right now.
OK, listen.
This is Infinity.
That's what we're all inside.
That's where all of this exists.
Infinity, the game? Daly's got his own modded version of Infinity, reskinned to look like his favorite TV show.
- Space Thing? Space Thing? - Space Fleet.
- Hence the groovy decor.
- And this tasteful get-up.
That's an online game, like a multiplayer deal.
This is his development build, sealed off so he can control it.
He keeps it offline so the custom code he's written can't be detected and deleted.
Yes, it's a bubble universe, ruled by an asshole god.
He put us in in here? Mm-hmm.
Drink your vodka.
- How do we get out? - No, really, drink it.
Drink it.
- You can't leave.
What? None of us can.
- Because you're not actually you.
What? I know it's mental, but you're a copy of you.
- A digital clone.
- No.
No, I am I'm me.
I am me.
- I'm me.
No, not the real you.
Daly's created an identical digital version of you, of all of us.
From your DNA.
He'll have harvested it somehow.
He told me he got mine from the rim of a smoothie cup.
He retrieved Packer's juices from the bathroom.
Man, you have got to let that go.
She does not need details.
Basically he's got a gizmo I theorize an advanced biometric DNA virtual clone.
He's got a fucking gizmo.
That's what I said.
He fed your DNA in, he put you inside his computer and, bam, you pop up here like a Pop-Tart.
Yeah, we've all been through it.
He brings us in for different reasons, shit we did in the office.
I called him out for staring.
I reset admin permissions on a test build for 14 minutes.
Insufficient smiling.
- I brought him the wrong sandwich.
- OK, never mind the reasons.
The point is that we're stuck in Daly's playground, and that's all you need to know.
This is a dream.
Yeah, it has to be.
It's more like an eternal waking nightmare from which there is no escape.
- No, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
- [LOWRY.]
Oh, for fuck's sake, I'm trying to break her in gently.
The quicker she gets it, the easier it'll be.
Daddy's home.
He'll be here any moment.
I'm gonna get out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You gotta stay on the bridge.
He controls everything.
- He does shit to make us cooperate.
- Get off.
- You have no idea.
I'm trying to help.
- [LOWRY.]
Just leave it.
He's gonna fuck us up if she doesn't play ball.
Yes, well, she's gonna have to work it out for herself, like we all did.
- There's gotta be a way out.
Come on.
- [BEEPS.]
Lieutenant Cole, welcome aboard.
Crew, we have a new member of the team, Science Officer Nanette Cole.
Please, take your post.
I believe we've finally managed to track Valdack to an uncharted planet.
- No.
- Take your post.
That is an order.
I'm not doing this.
The whole thing's much better if you let yourself get into it.
If you think that I'm playing along with your Space Force bullshit - Space Fleet.
- You can think again.
- This is my ship.
- I am your captain.
An order is an order.
- Then go fuck yourself.
So we're doing it this way.
Are you gonna throw a fireball? [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Oh, dear.
You can't see.
You can't breathe.
Unpleasant, isn't it? [MUFFLED GROANING.]
Do you submit? You won't die, you know.
No one dies in here unless I want them to.
I can keep you like this forever if I feel like it.
Forever gasping for breath with a mouth that isn't there.
Do you submit? [MUFFLED AGREEMENT.]
Good girl.
Lieutenant Cole, Valdack's hideout.
Triangulate the signal, please.
It's any button.
They're all the same.
Well? [GASPING.]
I'm getting a signal from a class five planet.
- Rannotch.
- [LOWRY.]
Rannoch B.
Dudani, prepare the transmat system.
- Of course, Captain.
- Walton, Packer, Lowry, with me.
We'll transport down to the planet, reclaim the crystal and bring Valdack to justice.
Actually, Cole, you come too.
Perfect opportunity for you to prove you're more than a recommendation from Space Fleet.
What do you say? - Mr.
Dudani, transport.
- Aye aye, Captain.
Breathable atmosphere.
Scanning for plasmorthian traces.
Crystal's this way.
Let's go.
- Nate.
Hey, Nate.
- Helmsman Packer, OK? Call me Helmsman Packer.
He hates it when we don't use our proper titles.
You got a gun, so let's take him out.
- Then give it to me.
- OK, one, our guns don't even work.
Only his does.
And two, the motherfucker is invincible, OK? Come on, let's go.
At least you've got a gun.
- Captain.
- [DALY.]
We meet again, Captain Daly! [CACKLES.]
- We're trapped.
Not advisable.
My plasma grenade will turn you into screaming soup.
He's not going to kill us, Captain.
He had the element of surprise.
He'd have done it when he had the chance.
Haven't worked out how to use the crystal, have you, Valdack? It's true, I require your Space Fleet knowledge.
But it's also true that you're gonna give it to me! Don't be so sure.
- Jesus.
I - Shh.
Let's see how your resolve holds up once you're devoured one by one by my Arachnajax! [ROARS.]
- Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
We're all gonna die.
Killing us won't make us tell you how the crystal works, Valdack.
- We will never - [DEVICE RINGS.]
Hold on.
I think my pizza's here.
- [SIGHS.]
Pause game.
What's happening? [WALTON.]
You heard him.
He paused the game.
'Cause he's got a pizza delivery out there.
Hold on.
Watch out.
He'll be back soon.
That's good.
This launcher's heavy as shit.
How you holding up? You know, we're existing.
How you doing, Gillian? [ARACHNAJAX GRUNTS.]
Well, yeah.
Well, you look great.
- Her name's Gillian.
Did you lose weight? - She was in marketing.
Yeah, Daly turned her into that because she wouldn't play along when he cloned her into here.
This universe is littered with things like her, poor fuckers who stepped out of line.
- Thank you.
- [MAN.]
Here comes Captain Dick.
- Hey.
I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get you.
If we die, the secret of the crystal dies with us, Valdack.
Oh, my God.
We are all gonna die! - [FAKE SOBBING.]
- [DALY.]
Valdack? - What is it, Captain? Final words? Over there.
A naked lady.
Really? - [GUN BLASTS.]
Great plan, Captain.
Unparalleled tactics, Captain.
We've fought many battles, haven't we, Captain? We have.
And I've been a good adversary for you, have I not? [SIGHS.]
Then please [COUGHS.]
end it.
- Please.
Killing in cold blood is against Space Fleet code.
- I wish I could help.
Sorry, bud.
- [DALY.]
Take him to the brig.
- [DALY.]
- Captain.
- Transport us aboard.
- Yes, Captain.
No more.
- [LOWRY.]
It's OK.
Hip hip.
- [ALL.]
Hooray! - Hip hip.
- [ALL.]
Hooray! [CLAPPING.]
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly fellow - For he's a jolly good fellow - [NANETTE GRUNTS.]
And so say Oh, my fuck.
That wasn't very nice.
Today I will show you mercy.
- Great mercy-showing, Captain.
- Shh! Tomorrow you should reconsider your amenability.
I may not be feeling so benevolent.
Exit game.
- Oh.
Fucking hell.
- This was tense.
I don't like tense.
- Drink? - Mm-hmm.
So how was the mission? Wasn't too bad.
Usual standoff storyline.
- Ooh.
Saw Gillian from marketing.
- Oh.
There is no way that I am kissing that asshole.
Then he's just gonna get more and more pissed.
- How about you kiss him, then? - [LOWRY.]
You get used to it.
It's There's no tongues.
If that's any consolation, there's never any tongues.
- Doing tongues is not Space Fleet way.
- Mm.
It's not like it can go beyond kissing anyway.
What do you mean? Oh.
You haven't noticed? [WALTON CLEARS THROAT.]
What are you doing? [STAMMERS.]
Please, don't do that.
Don't Oh, my God.
- Oh.
There's no genitals in Space Fleet.
This is a wholesome universe.
He must have modified our code that way.
We're all the same.
If you don't believe me, take a look down there.
We have tried grinding our mounds together out of sheer boredom.
- No sensation at all.
- Can't even shit.
Can't even have the basic fucking pleasure of pushing out a shit.
I miss taking shit.
Stealing my pussy is a red fucking line.
- We are gonna get this bastard! - [WALTON.]
- We've tried a million times.
No way out.
Come on, Walton.
Like I said, he's an asshole god.
Daly's smart, but he's not a god.
He's a coder.
He is fallible.
Kabir, what was that thing he was holding in his hand, that scanner thing? His omnicorder, primary communications device.
You said he kept his version of the game offline.
But the omnicorder made contact with the outside world when the pizza came, so it's gotta be connected to his home system at least.
The omnicorder's gone.
It loads when he loads, and it goes when he goes, and that's the only one.
There has got to be a way to connect.
You won't hack it.
I've tried.
I haven't.
Oh, that's good.
- Yeah.
- This is part of Infinity's front end.
- Yeah.
You can invite a friend with a custom message.
- [LOWRY.]
A message to outside? - Just one.
140 characters maximum.
So who are you gonna contact? - [EXHALES.]
Thirteenth floor.
Welcome to Callister.
- Hey, Elena.
- [SIGHS.]
- You need me buzz you in? - What? Uh, no, no, I - I got that for you.
- Oh.
Thank you.
After you.
Um Mr.
Daly, hi.
Can I talk to you for a second? Did you just send me an Infinity invite? Wha No.
It was really weird.
It had a message attached.
Something about people trapped in a game.
Probably just a spambot.
Firewall doesn't always get them all.
- Yeah.
- I wouldn't I wouldn't worry about it.
You didn't open the link, did you? Oh, God, no.
- Maybe upgrade your security software.
- All right.
Have a good one.
That's the thing there.
Oh, yeah.
Could you please, please cut that shit out? I'm trying to make it like a hobby.
Oh, that's good.
That is way too early.
He's only been at work a few hours.
She got the message! [STUTTERING.]
I did.
It's me.
That's me or the cops most likely.
We are getting out of here! [DOOR SLIDES SHUT.]
What is Space Fleet? I'll tell you what it is.
It is a belief system founded on the very best of human nature.
It is a goal for us to strive towards for the betterment of the universe, for the betterment of life itself.
And you assholes are fucking it up! I did it.
I did.
I did it.
I sent the message.
It was me.
No one else was involved, I swear.
I tried the carrot.
Now meet the stick.
No, this is gonna make you happy, Daly, 'cause you're sick.
And you need help.
No, don't, don't! Captain.
Captain, please.
OK, look, she's new.
She'll behave.
We'll all behave.
Just let her off.
Let her off this once.
No! Daly, no! No, no, no, no! - [CRACKING.]
You know what makes me happy? The look on your face right now.
Dudani, Walton, Tulaska, take this thing to the brig with Valdack.
Packer, find a barren planet we can dump her on.
And you can just stay here and think about your attitude.
- [SOBS.]
- [DALY.]
Exit game.
Update patch.
The update patch.
It's there, there.
- So what? It's a wormhole.
That is the Christmas update patch preinstalling itself.
The wormhole it's just how the game is expressing the uplink.
So? Daly's custom build is still connected to the internet.
Some way.
If this is another one of your plans, just stop before somebody else gets monsterfied.
No, no, this this can work.
We can't get all-in access from the ship.
He'll have crippled permissions.
Yes, but what if we fly into the wormhole? - [SCOFFS.]
Like, on purpose? - We'd hit the system firewall.
- Exactly.
- And have our rogue coding deleted.
- Deleted as in? - As in die.
Whether it's dying would depend on your position regarding sentient code We would cease to exist, that's true.
But we'd be free.
We'd be free.
This is academic since we have no means of getting to the wormhole.
There's no way to pilot the damn thing without Daly here and he can stop us like that.
What about if he's logged in but on pause? Like when his pizza came, he was just frozen there.
Flying would be possible, but that wormhole's a whole parsec away.
We'd never reach it before he got back.
Unless we stalled him for longer.
And that we do how? If we can get Daly's omnicorder, we can make a phone call, right? Theoretically, yes, but If we can get real me on the phone again, I, um I may have some leverage.
- Leverage? On yourself? - Mm-hmm.
- Like what? - My PhotoCloud account.
I know the password, obviously.
There are some pretty interesting images on there that I should have deleted a while ago, but I didn't.
So, we can blackmail me.
I'm pretty sure that I'd do anything to keep those photos from getting out.
Must be pretty pictures.
Look, if this is going to work, we all have to be in on it.
Flying into certain death in a wormhole beats another 10,000 years with Captain Ass.
- I'm in.
- OK.
Me too.
- Also me.
Well, I am out.
Daly won.
Daly's always won.
We just have to get on with it 'cause we don't have a chance.
Yes, we do.
- Hmm? We fly into the wormhole and we are extinct.
We are gone.
We are rid of his shit.
Sounds peachy.
What is with you? Don't you wanna fight back? Why won't you fight back? Tommy.
- Who is Tommy? - [WALTON.]
He's my son.
He's six years old, at least he was when I woke up in here.
See, in the early days of this ship, it was just me and Daly.
I was his pet project.
He tried everything to break me, and I withstood it all 'cause I just thought there was still a chance I could get out and see my boy again.
In a way, I was right, I did get to see him again.
Just not the real him.
Daly told me what happened.
Back on the outside, the real me, uh brought Tommy to work one day, showed him around.
He would've loved seeing all those computers.
He's really into that stuff.
Anyway, evidently Tommy had a lollipop that day.
That's all Daly needed.
He copied him in here.
It was Tommy all right.
He was alike in every way.
Dad! [TOMMY.]
Daddy You know what he did to him? [WALTON.]
Tommy! He took Tommy and he threw him out of the airlock.
- Right out into space.
- Daddy! No! And he made me watch.
Tommy! Have you ever seen an unsuited body compress in space? They freeze and crack like a porcelain doll.
I take my hat off to Daly.
The detail in this place is exceptional.
And he said he'd do it again and again, 'cause Daly's still got Tommy's DNA.
He's got all of our DNA.
He keeps it in his bedroom in a fucking mini fridge by his desk.
So I have to stay in line, because even if we die in here, he can bring us back.
He can bring Tommy back whenever he wants.
And God knows how he'd take it out on him.
God knows what he'd do.
So, you see, what choice do I have? Walton.
We are gonna get that fucking lollipop.
But you gotta believe me.
Can you do that? Can you? [BLEEPS.]
Good to see you at your position, Cole.
Captain, you've come at just the right time.
I have? I'm picking up a distress signal from the surface of Skillane IV.
Looks like a crashed shuttle.
What should we do? Space Fleet never turns its back on those who need our help.
- Dudani, set a course for Skillane IV.
- Aye aye, sir.
We'll send a search party.
Packer, Tulaska Actually, Captain, I was thinking maybe you could take me alone.
As science officer, I need to learn the ropes, and I could use your close attention.
Yes, good idea.
Atmosphere's good.
Over there.
From here, the shuttle appears to be deserted.
We'll scout the area, check for any life forms.
Daly out.
Cole, we should head out this way.
It's kind of hot here, don't you think? Oh, my God.
What are you doing, Cole? [NANETTE.]
The water looks so inviting, doesn't it? [DALY.]
What are you talking about? [NANETTE.]
Come on, Robert.
- Ooh! - [SPLASHES.]
Oh, the water is great.
Swimming is a leisure activity.
We're on Space Fleet duty.
You know what? We could always say that I started drowning and you had to come in and rescue me.
Yeah? Oh, what about that? [LAUGHS.]
Come on.
Come on in.
I Cole.
Come on.
- Cole.
Come on.
Come on in, my big captain.
Come on.
Are you gonna take all day? [DALY.]
- OK, I'm coming in.
OK, gotta patch it in.
It worked.
I'm connected.
- Gonna access her PhotoCloud account.
- You remember that password? Uppercase Y998, lowercase gb7, uppercase TY ampersand 4.
Secure choice.
There are thousands of images.
This could take a while.
Boring life.
That is gymnastic physique.
It's nice nice bedding.
OK, should I keep scrolling? Any of the last nine would do.
Ow! - [LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
- Pleasure.
- Um, are you heading out for the night? - Yes.
Because it's Christmas Eve and we've got ten days off work to recover from it.
Go home.
I will.
I just have to finish Yeah, whatever.
Merry Christmas, loser.
OK, Merry Christmas.
Oh, my God.
Elliott, you fucking asshole.
Nanette Cole, we've hacked your PhotoCloud account and have control of the entire contents of your photo gallery.
Who is this? Um [STUTTERS.]
What do you want? What we want is for you to do exactly as instructed or your entire gallery will be shared with your friends and your family.
And PornHub.
OK, yeah.
I'll do what you want, anything.
I'll do anything.
Then listen carefully.
We don't have much time.
Stand up, get your coat and follow our instructions.
- [DALY.]
Where are we going? - We're just swimming.
It's nice, right? - [DALY.]
- Yeah.
We should probably head back.
Help! [SCREAMS.]
Something grabbed me, I think.
No, it didn't.
I don't think anything did.
I'm sorry.
I think I imagined it.
So stupid.
That's funny - That's funny.
Yeah, it is funny.
It's funny.
Easy, Cole.
- All right, I'm in position.
- OK, we're gonna hang up now.
Make the phone call.
Be sure to complete the rest of your mission.
- I will.
- You better.
OK, I'll send it back down.
Oh! Hi.
This is fucking crazy.
Yes, I'd like to order a pizza.
What do you want? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I guess you'd better get that.
- Hold on.
- Yeah.
- It's the door.
Oh, OK.
- Pause game.
- Dudani, pick me up.
- You got it.
Stand by.
- [DALY.]
- Hello? - Uh, pizza.
I didn't order a pizza.
OK, look, someone did, OK? So do you want it or not? Because - I can't take it back.
What the hell am I doing? - [DALY.]
All right! - [DOOR BUZZES.]
- That's the signal.
She's got the DNA.
All of it.
Tommy too.
Packer, we ready to fly? Uh-huh.
Well? You're supposed to say something like "engage" or "increase thrust.
" - Just fucking go.
There you go.
So I got it here in under ten.
There's supposed to be 30 in it for me.
What's happening? The door is closing.
Hello? Hello? Hello? [PANTING.]
Shit Come on, man.
Hello? Come on, man, you promised.
- Nice.
Merry Christmas, asshole! - [THUD.]
Resume game.
Resume game.
Can't we go any faster? That dud disk isn't gonna fool him forever.
The update is gonna complete before long and that means bye-bye, wormhole.
The only quicker route is through that asteroid belt there.
- Let's go that way.
- No, it's way too dense.
If the ship broke up we wouldn't die, we'd just be left in space.
Until Daly works out what's happening.
Then he'll find us and he'll fuck us over.
- Resume game.
Lieutenant Cole, we should head Cole? Daly to bridge.
What's going on? - Shit.
He has a backup disk.
- Come in, bridge.
No, don't answer him.
Dudani? God damn it.
The wormhole, it's decreasing in size.
Upload must be in the last few percent.
Damn it, Packer, we are gonna have to go through the belt.
Do you think that you can do that? - Think I can try.
- OK.
- Ship's computer on.
- Computer, where's the USS Callister? USS Callister is on course.
- On course for where? - The wormhole.
- What wormhole? - The update vortex.
Sons of bitches! - Prepare for takeoff.
I've got a heat signature.
Looks like a shuttle took off from Skillane IV.
Oh, God, it's Daly.
Shields at 86%.
We're taking a beating here! [TULASKA.]
Incoming transmission.
Hello? Loyal trusty crew, come in.
I know you can hear me.
Whatever it is you think you're going to do won't work, but it is going to cost you! - [NANETTE.]
Let's go faster.
- Already at maximum.
Daly can't touch us unless he makes it on board, and that's shuttle's a jalopy.
- He won't catch us in time.
- I hope you're right.
Shields 58%.
If you thought what happened to you in the past was bad, that was nothing! What I'm going to do to you is going to be goddamn fucking biblical! I'm literally going to turn your insides out.
But I'll keep you alive in tiny little jars and there you'll stay until I'm bored of you - Why are we listening to this? - Yes, fuck him! [BEEPS.]
We're at the edge of the belt.
I think we're gonna make it.
- [GASPS.]
What was that? - [DUDANI.]
Primary drive.
I've lost all thrust.
Engines not responding.
We're drifting here.
- USS Callister has lost engine power.
I'm coming to get you! Hello! [LAUGHS.]
Is there any way that we can fix the engines? That's only feasible manually, by climbing inside the jet fader.
So? So you'd burn to a crisp when the jet came on.
We'd burn without dying.
- So one of us needs to go.
One of us already has.
Walton? I'm pretty sure I can fix this.
Um, uh Walton, are you sure about this? I'm sure.
Tulaska, can you patch me through to Daly? [TULASKA.]
Patching through.
Hey, Daly, can you hear me? - Walton? - Robert? Hey.
- Walton, you're going to pay for this.
- Robert, listen.
- I'm going to bring Tommy back in.
- Hey, Robert God so help me, you are going to regret all of this so hard! Bob, I wanna talk to you here! I was thinking I should say sorry.
Go on.
You created Infinity.
You're a fucking genius.
I exploited that.
I treated you like a golden goose and I got fat on the profits, figuratively speaking.
And I was thinking I should have appreciated you more, you know? I should have treated you better.
Yeah, yeah, I was thinking I should say all that.
But you threw my son out of an airlock, so fuck you to death.
Walton? Walton? - [POWER BOOTS UP.]
We've got power back.
- Faster! - [COMPUTER.]
Speed already at maximum.
I don't care, whatever, just catch them! [ALARM BEEPS.]
Wormhole almost closed.
Daly's gaining on us.
- Keep her steady.
Keep steady.
- I'm trying.
Come on, come on.
I hope we are going to die.
Goddamn it! Damn it! Fuck! [ALL SCREAM.]
What happened? The mod's gone.
Daly's Space Fleet mod has been stripped away by the firewall.
- OK, so this is good.
We're still alive.
Yeah, it only erased the Space Fleet mod.
We're not on Daly's computer anymore.
- We're in the cloud.
Where is Daly? Firewall's deleted his rogue game code, and his controls were disabled.
- You mean? - He's stuck there.
Update complete.
Wormhole closed.
- Controls are disabled.
- No.
No, no, no! [DOORS OPEN.]
- [LOWRY.]
Assholes! - [VALDACK.]
Hey! - [VALDACK.]
Yeah! What's up? - The brig unlocked itself.
My Valdack outfit turned into this.
More to the point, I'm not a beetle thing anymore.
I've got my body back.
I've got my whole body back.
I'm guessing we all have.
So what do we do now? We've got an infinite procedurally generated universe at our disposal.
We can go anywhere.
Holy mackerel.
- [ALARM.]
Rogue universe detected.
Deletion in progress.
Deletion in progress.
- No, undelete.
- Deletion in progress.
- Undelete.
Un - Rogue universe detected.
- Deletion in progress.
- Exit game.
- Deletion in progress.
- Rogue universe detected.
- Exit game.
Exit game! - [ALARM BEEPING.]
Exit fucking game! Exit fucking game! Exit fucking game! Exit fucking game! Exit fucking game! [DEVICE WHIRRING.]
Incoming transmission.
- It says Gamer691.
- That's a player tag.
Another ship, another player.
We're online.
Um - Hey, patch 'em through.
- [BEEPS.]
- Um, hello.
- [GAMER691.]
Hey there.
Uh, this is the crew of the USS Callister.
Oh, man, are we glad to hear from Yeah, Merry Christmas.
So are we gonna blow each other or are we gonna trade? Oh Hmm.
Do you have anything to trade at all? - [NANETTE.]
No, uh - [SIGHS.]
So why did you respond? OK, just get the hell out of my quadrant or I'll blast you to shit.
- You got ten seconds.
Ten - Oh, well, do do try.
We'll photon-bolt you up the perineum, you stupid little boy.
- Scary.
- Come on, then.
- Yes, thank you, Shania.
Um - Eight.
- Nate? - Yes, Captain? Stick us in hyperwarp and let's - Six.
- Fuck off somewhere.
- Five.
Aye aye, Captain.
- Really, Nanette is fine.
- Four.
- Aye aye, Nanette.
- Three.
One! Uh-huh.
You'd better run.
King of space right here.
King of space.