Black Monday (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
365
1 It's showtime tonight [phone line beeping rapidly, man sobbing.]
[woman speaking indistinctly over phone line.]
[continues sobbing.]
[engine revving.]
[Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five's "The Message".]
[engine rumbling.]
[engine stops.]
[man screams.]
[tense music.]
[watch ticking.]
[Run-D.
M.
C.
's "Hard Times".]
[rhythmic breathing.]
Hard times Wait, Blair.
- Wear this.
- What? For good luck on your interviews.
[Speaking foreign language.]
motherfucker.
[giggles.]
You're stuck on the ground - Go get 'em! I love you.
- [groans nervously.]
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Five large.
Now, you be sure to tell Page Six that I knocked the glaze off that doughnut.
- Mmm.
- Okay? Kyle.
- Want to do some cocaine? - [beeps.]
Fantastic.
[man.]
Ooh-whee! There she go! God damn! Yo, mama, where you going? Fucking dyke! They tell you times are tough [sneezes.]
[gags, coughs.]
But when you work for the ace You know you pulled the right card Hard times got my pockets All in chains I'll tell you what, homeboy It don't have my brain All day I have to work at my peak Because I need that dollar every day of the week Hard times Hard times [electronic pop music playing on TV.]
[woman on TV.]
Georgina.
[music stops.]
It is my 39th birthday, and that is what I want.
No "problemo," Mo.
I'll get a B-cup down here by 9:45 or now if, uh, Dawn is willing.
- [men laugh.]
- Wow, you know what? I'm really surprised a ladies' man such as yourself doesn't know his cups.
- These are Cs, baby.
- [men.]
Ooh! These right here These are Bs.
Who wants to come titty-fuck Keith? [laughter.]
Dawn's on the board.
But, no, I want the company.
Georgina Jeans currently does all of its manufacturing in Manhattan, so you know what that means.
It means that the land the warehouse is on is worth twice the company.
Exactly, which makes them ripe for a take Ripe for a takeover.
See? Great minds.
See, when we're going on together, it's like jazz.
You guys are fucking watching jazz.
I hate to bust your denim dream, but, no.
It's fucking impossible, Mo.
- Oh, is it impossible, Dawn? - It's impossible.
Lehman Brothers owns 30% of Georgina.
And trust me, they'd rather vote for punk-ass Mondale than sell us a share of shit.
"Impossible.
" Well, let me tell you something, gang.
I was born in a toilet and left on the steps of a Church 's Chicken.
Yeah, Church's Chicken.
- Anyway, 39 years later - Wait, 30 what? Thirty-nine years later to the day, Dawn! - He's 60.
- [laughter.]
I woke up in a $1,500-a-night fuck pad after having a $5,000 Park Avenue fuckathon.
- [Dawn.]
What? - Whoo! My robot butler brought me caviar and The Wall Street Journal, and I said, "Kyle" Because I named him.
They encourage you to name them.
It helps with the bonding I said, "Kyle, throw that fish jizz out.
Caviar is wack.
" Kyle did that shit because Kyle understands English.
Solid.
[Mo.]
And The Wall Street Journal called you all the number 11 trading firm on the block.
[all cheering.]
And they called your man the Billy Ocean of trading.
- That's right! - [all cheering.]
Get it, get it, get it.
[coughs.]
Billy, Billy, Billy Ocean [man.]
That's that's the hit right there.
- Yes! - [all.]
Yeah! - Yes! - [all.]
Yeah! No! [man.]
Hey! [man 2.]
Whoa! Hey! [employees murmuring.]
Eleven? Get that out of here.
The number 11 guy on the Knicks isn't even a basketball player, all right? He's an eight-foot Serb with a kidney disease they took a flier on.
Eleven is one one too many.
It's been the same Monopoly-man-looking motherfuckers at the top of Wall Street for 1,000 years.
"Impossible"? This shit is simple.
What goes in your pocket when that bell rings at the end of the day comes directly out of some other sucker's asshole.
- [chuckles.]
- Right? One guy gets a dope chalet in Vail.
Another guy has to tell his daughter that Christmas is canceled because Santa Claus exploded in the Challenger.
- Ugh.
- Now, I know who I am.
- Do you know who you are? - I'm Kerth Keith! Yes.
Do you know who you are? - Yassir X.
- Absolutely.
- Do you know who you - Get the fuck out of my face.
Right.
Ronnie, you know who you are? Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out.
- Just say "Ronnie.
" - I know who you are, all right? God chose me to choose you.
- Okay.
- I am black Moses.
Nigga, did you say you black Moses? Okay? And that designer denim LLC is the Red Sea.
And I'm gonna part that shit up, and I'm gonna take us to the promised land.
[all cheering.]
- Yeah! Yeah! - So start buying, okay? But you keep that shit quiet, 'cause if anybody outside of this room gets wind of that, you're all gonna be deader than that gremlin's pussy - on top of Keith's head.
- [laughter.]
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put the "brother" [sniffs.]
in Lehman Brothers.
- [all cheering.]
- [Ronnie.]
Yeah! Yes! Yeah! - Hey, Mo.
- No, Keith.
God damn it.
You cannot stop a man who just butt-fucks his walk-off line - and then - Happy birthday, boss.
I know it's the same shit every year, but what do you get the guy who has everything, right? - [all.]
More coke.
- [laughter.]
- You guys get me.
- [men.]
Yeah! [indistinct chatter.]
[upbeat synth music.]
Scusi.
[chuckles.]
I seem to have come down with a bad case of the first days.
Uh, I have an interview - at Morgan St - Hold on a second, Scotty.
- Sorry.
- Get cancer.
No, no, I just stepped in some dog shit.
[bell ringing.]
Pretty wild, right? Yeah, it's awful.
If this is trading, I may have picked the wrong career.
Oh.
Uh, this is awkward.
Ty Daverman, Morgan Stanley.
We spoke on the phone.
You're Blair? Yes, Blair.
Yes, Blair Pfaff.
Yes, it's a very it's very nice to meet you, sir.
Hey, before when I said I may have picked the wrong career, I meant that as a, uh a joke.
[chuckles.]
Joking's kind of my strong suit.
I mean, obviously trading is my strong suit.
What are my weaknesses? That's a great question.
I can only think of three Caring too much, working too hard, and caring too much.
And I just repeated myself, so that's four weaknesses, 'cause I That's a repeating weakness.
Wow, good thing I'm not interviewing you, 'cause I think you'd shit your pants in the next two seconds.
I think so.
You're here to interview me, kid.
- I am? - You're top recruit on the street.
Everybody's buzzing about this, uh, trading algorithm you developed for your MBA thesis at Wharton.
- [chuckles.]
- Hey, I'm a Wharthog myself.
[snorts melodically.]
- [snorts melodically.]
- [both laugh.]
Look, you're gonna have your pick of the top shops, all right? But you want to be a MoStan man.
Technology we're on the cutting edge, all right? From mobile phones as small as toasters to computers big as barns.
Here, consider it a gift.
Seriously? Now, let's let these animals fight over the scraps.
- [elevator bell dings.]
- I'll show you what the world looks like to a MoStan man.
[upbeat hip-hop music.]
[inhales and exhales deeply.]
[chuckles.]
Lenny Lehman.
I'm Larry.
I'm Lenny.
You really can't tell us apart? Wait a minute, I forget.
Now, which one of you is a virgin, and which one of you ain't never been laid before? [laughs.]
We call that a dis! Really? Well, if you were an identical twin, I would ask you, which one of you is under investigation, and which one of you has already been investigated? Now, that's a "dist.
" [laughs.]
What do you assholes want, anyway? What do we wha you came here.
What do you want? I would like to be a pair of Downtown Julie Brown's socks, but in the meantime, I'll take your shares of Georgina.
Georgina? The women's jeanery? Len, do we even own any of that? Yeah, Lar, we bought a chunk of that a while back to offset our capital gain Just give me the fucking shares.
Then we'll go have brunch afterwards, on me.
Cheetah's Topless What do you say? Free ta-tas and frittatas? - Ew.
- Why Georgina? It's a dog.
No big whoop.
They cut a nice jean.
I don't know about that.
We're all Cavaricci all the time, but okay.
Len, what's a fair price for our block of Georgina? Well, it's trading at six, so based on projected future earnings, I'd say One million dollars a share? [guffaws.]
Why don't you two stop fucking each other for five minutes and sell me some goddamn stock? - That was a rumor.
- I've never fucked my brother! - That was a rumor.
- I've never fucked my brother! I-I know that.
That was a joke.
It would be insane if you guys were actually fucking each other.
Yeah, exactly, Mo! So, uh, maybe you should scram, okay? You're making us late for our stand-up comedy class.
Get that money.
[imitates whooshing.]
- Eight.
- Twenty.
Nine and a half.
- Twenty.
- [sighs.]
Ten.
- Twenty-five.
- Thirty.
- Ooh, this is fun.
- You fuck All right eighteen.
- Really? - Yeah.
Eighteen on two million shares? - Yeah.
- Great.
Thirty-six million dollars by close today, or the deal is off.
Great.
That's an excellent fucking timeframe.
If you were to give me a menu of timeframes and say, "Mo, you want to pick a time" [both.]
It was a pleasure doing bus - Oh.
[sighs.]
- One, two [both.]
It was a pleasure doing business with you, - Mr.
Monroe.
- Jesus Christ.
- You call yourself a twin? - This is your thing.
I don't want to do the talking at the same time.
- [elevator bell dings.]
- Thanks.
Hey, Tiff, guess what I'm doing.
- [indistinct chatter.]
- Walking! Yeah, the guys from Morgan gave me a mobile phone.
I'm walking and talking! I'm still sort of getting the hang of it, but guess what else.
Morgan, Lehman, Goldman all made crazy offers.
Yeah, go out and buy yourself something really expensive, 'cause we got a lot to celebrate tonight.
A lot.
- Get ready - [grunts.]
- [all exclaim.]
- Oh, oh! Oh, I am so sorry.
That, uh, was a total accident.
God, what is this, parmesan? That is All right.
You're Maurice Monroe.
You're Mo the Marauder.
I r-read about you in the newspaper today.
I'm so sorry.
That was a very That was a bad accident - on my part.
I'm so sorry.
- Kid, kid, it's all right.
It's all listen.
It's all right, okay? Accidents happen.
Accidents happen! - [indistinct chatter.]
- Accidents happen.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Well, you know my name.
What's yours? - Blair.
- No, really, what's your name? - Uh, Blair.
- Oh.
Yeah, it's actually much more common for a man than for a woman, yeah.
I mean, think of all the famous male Blairs, right? There's-there's L.
A.
Law heartthrob Blair Underwood.
- Yes.
- Right? There's, uh, former Secretary of State of Maryland Blair Lee III.
And who could forget British Lieutenant Governor Sir Blair Aubyn Stewart-Wilson? I mean, that guy was equerry to Her Majesty, the Queen.
You really know your Blairs.
- [laughing.]
I do, I do.
- Well, who do you work for? Well, I-I'm fielding multiple offers right now.
I mean, between you and me, I'm kind of hot on the street.
You lucky son of a bitch.
That's exciting.
- It is exciting.
- Hey, everybody! - No, come on.
- No, no, it's fine.
- No, sir, I really - Don't worry about it.
Listen.
Um, if anyone here hires Blair Bat Mitzvah Fucking Girl's Name, whatever, I will personally be on the other side of every trade you make until you die, which will be soon, because you will jump out of a window because you're bankrupt, at which point I will go to your homes, and I will make love to your wife - [light laughter.]
- and your kids, depending on age and gender and looks.
Let's be honest It's mostly gonna be looks.
- [laughter.]
- Okay, everybody got that? I am willing to lose a mil a day to prevent Rachel Girl's Fucking Name here - [laughter.]
- from ever being employed for the rest of her natural or unnatural fucking life Whichever comes first.
Everybody clear on that? - [cheers and applause.]
- All right.
As you were.
- No, sir, sir, this was - As you were.
Okay, okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Is everything okay here, Mr.
Monroe? Yeah, everything's okay, except this fucking kid doesn't know how to walk or do coke.
Oh, it's cocaine.
No, no, it's not my coke.
I don't I don't do Oh, it's not your coke? Are you saying it's my coke? No, I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying it Wait, are you calling me a fucking cokehead? - No, I'm not saying - Well, I do do coke.
In fact, it's my second favorite thing to do.
You know what my first favorite thing is? Money.
Now, my third favorite thing is rolling up my first favorite thing and doing a mountain of my fucking second favorite thing.
But, Chong, here's the real thing drugs on the floor is a two-year suspension, if I'm correct.
Okay, now n-now, okay.
Okay, all right.
No, you see, this was a misunderstanding.
All right, Let me settle this.
Does anyone know whose coke this is? It's the kid's coke dropped right out of his pocket.
- Let's go.
- Yeah, total basehead.
He tried to sell me heroin last week.
- Did you check him for a gun? - Gun! Yeah, party's over, Scarface! No! No, no, no.
[panting.]
Mr.
Daverman.
Mr.
Daverman.
I will take that job.
I am definitely a MoStan man.
No, you're not, Blair.
By the way, you got a chick's name.
It's much more common for a man! [indistinct chatter.]
[gasps.]
How rich are we? [chuckles stiffly.]
- [inhales sharply, giggling.]
- [laughing awkwardly.]
- [groans.]
- Ooh! What's all this? It's cocaine, but I can explain.
No explanation necessary, babe.
Let's celebrate.
Now, just tell me [sniffs.]
are we talking house money, or summer-house money? 'Cause I saw this place today.
Now, it's definitely crazy.
- But it's not insane.
- Babe.
It's Saddam Hussein's condo for when he's in New York.
It's a total gut job, but the bones are amazing.
Hey, speaking of jobs - [clears throat.]
- So, um I didn't get any, and I never will, but it's not a bad thing.
Remember that screenplay I wrote in college? Hear me out.
What if we go to L.
A - [grunts.]
- [scoffs.]
I'm sorry.
I-I think I wa I was just reacting to your joke? W-what's happening, Blair? You told me you had three job offers.
I did, and it was a real real dream come true, until I met basically the Freddy Krueger of Wall Street, and he entered that precious dream, and he shredded it, like Freddy Krueger is wont to do.
But you know what? We don't need money to be happy.
I'm sorry.
That must be some sort of fight-or-flight thing, but this is okay.
Okay.
This is okay.
- [sniffs.]
- [sighs.]
[exhales sharply, sniffs.]
You'll just go You'll go work for my dad! No, I told you I'm gonna make it on my own.
I'm dating a success, Blair.
The only question is, is it gonna be you, or is it gonna be Nat Hayes, who's been trying to get his fingers in me since a cappella camp? - Oh - Someone took your job? Take it back.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
This doesn't have to be the end of me.
Yeah, I could just I could just lay low for, what, like, a year or two, let that old guard die out - Ah! - What is this thing - A dick or a vagina? - Babe, language! If this is, in fact, a dick and not a long dangling clit and you ever want to put it in me again, you will go down there and get your dream back.
So tell me Is this a dick or a vagina? I think we both know that it Do you have a dick or a vagina? I have a penis! [inhales deeply.]
Should we have sex really quick? - 'Cause I'm super - Ah, ah, ah, ah jazzed.
No.
Yeah, I get you.
I'm gonna go get my job, and then I'm gonna come back and do sex on you.
[breathlessly.]
And then we're gonna get some TCBY.
- Ooh.
- You want yogurt? - Yes.
- Mommy, baby want yogurt.
- Oh, I want chocolate.
- I want sprinkles [yelping.]
Mommy! Get down there and get your job back.
Okay.
[Mo.]
Gang, listen up.
I got some good news, and I got some better news.
Good news Don Henley is confirmed for my bitchin' B-day blowout party tonight.
[Keith.]
Ooh, I love him.
You know, I don't really fuck with the guy's music, but, you know, his album's number one, and my party's gonna be number one, so it just kind of made sense.
And the better news I have acquired the Lehman Brother's block of Georgina.
- [man.]
Nice.
- Holy shit.
- [man.]
Whoo! - [Mo chuckles.]
What'd you pay? Can I live? Jesus Christ, Dawn, you don't ask a man how much he spent on a gift, which is exactly what that is for you.
- Eighteen.
- Ooh.
Eighteen? It's at six and a half! - We don't have that kind of cash.
- I will fucking borrow it, Dawn.
Mo, you are risking everything! That's the best part.
Dawn, co you remember Top Gun, right? Of course I remember Top Gun.
You-you-you made me see it - three times opening night.
- Yes, I did.
And you know what? It wasn't a good movie.
Yes, it was! It was just a bunch of white boys trying to butt-fuck each other in the clouds.
Okay, yes, those undertones did exist, but that's not the fucking point of what I'm trying to tell you here.
I'm saying that if they had not risked it all, where would Goose and Mav be right now? Goose would probably be alive.
- We don't know that, Dawn! - [Keith.]
Oh, come on! Okay? Goose was very reckless.
Mav said, "Watch the fucking canopy.
" - Well, he fucking - And what did Goose do? - Hey! - [conversation abruptly stops.]
Bet you didn't think you'd see this me again.
This guy! Me! Wow.
I am very glad you're here.
- Really? - Yeah.
I would like a tuna fish sandwich, hold the carrots, and a Crystal Pepsi.
Anybody? No, I'm the guy from the floor.
- With the cocaine.
- Oh! Thank God.
- Hey, coke guy's here! - [Ronnie.]
Uh, let me get two eight balls and, uh, what's that new thing everybody's talking about? Crack? Crack? - Oh, two cracks.
- Just regular cocaine for me.
No, no, no, let's be innovative.
Cracks.
Cracks for everybody, guys! - Yeah.
- No one is getting cracks! [all.]
Oh.
I am Blair Pfaff.
Rachel the Bat Mitzvah Girl.
Yes.
You are the motherfucker that ruined my suit.
Yeah, and you're the motherfucker who ruined my life.
Suit's worth more.
It was a Bijan.
- Had to throw it in the trash.
- [gasps.]
It was a Bijan? Shut the fuck up.
You think you scare me? My dad beat me every day of my life until he died, and he literally died of a heart attack while beating me.
[both laugh.]
You got to be fucking shitting me.
- Is that true? - Yeah.
I worked two jobs to get my degree.
I worked three to get my MBA, and yet I still had enough time to develop an algorithm that, when backtested, beat every house on the street, including your chop shop, okay? So I'm here as a warning.
I'm gonna use this "cocaine possession with intent to distribute" charge as motivation to become the biggest swinging dick on Wall Street.
So here's what you can do, Mo.
You can go downstairs and un-take the giant poo you took on my career.
Or guess what.
I'm gonna be on the other side of every trade you make for the rest of your life.
- Mm.
- I'm gonna call an ambulance.
[gulps.]
What kind of car you drive, kid? Oh, 'cause I drive a Honda and you drive a Porsche? I don't drive shit.
I get driven.
- Mm-hmm.
- In a Lamborghini limousine, aka a Lambo limo, aka a Limbo.
So you get none of the speed of a Lamborghini and none of the comfort of a limousine? Yeah, but it costs twice as much as both, obvious This guy is not a car guy.
You're not a car guy.
- I don't like your fucking tone.
- You don't know shit about cracks.
Who are you, Pfaff? Who are you? Mr.
Hotshot with an Algorithm's got all these guys downstairs jizzing in their fucking pants.
Well, let me ask you something.
You want to you want to give it a test-drive? What? I'll put 50K in an account.
And you double that by close, and you get a job.
You don't, I get your car.
Why do you want a shitty Honda? [mockingly.]
I don't want a "shitty Honda.
" I want your shitty Honda.
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
Dawn will set you up with an account.
Don't let those titties fool you, all right? She's got the biggest set of nuts on Wall Street.
Now, if you will "excusez-me-moi," I got about three and a half hours to borrow 36 million bucks.
- Chad, moisten me.
- Wha [clears throat.]
I'm not a allowed to trade.
I'm being investigated for cocaine, remember? - [laughter.]
- Kid, who isn't? I fucking freebased with the mayor of D.
C.
- Ah! Mayor Barry.
- [man.]
Tough on crime.
But you are about to learn a valuable lesson that your fucking MBA and all your bullshit education could not teach you.
The only algorithm that a real trader needs is the Algo-rhythm of the night Ooh! You just got DeBarged.
[DeBarge's "Rhythm of the Night".]
[computer whirs.]
Okay, everybody, ten Gs, Michael J.
Cocksucker here goes bust in an hour! No, fucking make that 15! I got 15! When it feels like The world is on your shoulders And all of the madness has got you going crazy It's time to get out Step out into the street Where all of the action Is right there at your feet Well, I know a place Where we can dance the whole night away [Keith laughs.]
Underneath electric stars - Whoa! Not okay! - [laughter.]
Not cool! You'll be doing fine once the music starts Oh! Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night Dance until the morning light That's why I love you, Sergei.
You can leave them all behind Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night - This is working? - Kid's got a shot.
Fucking [grunts.]
Dude, we just fixed that wall! - Hey, I got the - [men grunting.]
Just coming through there? Okay.
[grunting continues.]
Shit.
Look out on the street now Yeah.
The music's playing Wow.
Hey, uh Under the streetlights, the scene is being set A night for romance Whoa! That's a lot of blood for a little guy.
[man.]
Shit.
I can't believe it.
This guy's gonna get to 100.
[man 2.]
Oh, this is bullshit.
[man 3.]
How the fuck is this happening? - [computer beeping.]
- [man 2.]
Hang on, hang on.
- [man.]
Oh, shit.
- [man 4.]
It's dropping! - [laughs.]
- [man 5.]
Here come the short sellers.
- Oh! [laughing.]
- [Blair.]
No, no, no.
- [bell rings.]
- Oh! Fuck! You! [Keith.]
Pay up, Dawn! Cheetah's Topless! First round of head's on me.
Let's go.
Come on, there you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Bye-bye.
- [man laughs.]
- See you at the party, Dawn.
Shit.
- You bet on me to win? - [door closes.]
Mm, actually, I bet you'd lose it all.
That last 84 cent cost me 15 grand.
Well, too bad you won't be sticking around.
You're cute, kid.
But you're the worst trader in Manhattan since the Indians.
[snickers.]
Hey, brother-fuckers.
That's a rumor! - That's a goddamn rumor! - Rumor.
This is a buy order for all your Georgina shares.
So, if you would please sign this before I have to call INS or child protective services or whatever the fuck it is you guys got going here.
You know, Len, as much as I'd like to deny Mr.
Monroe of something he desires remember what Daddy always said.
[both.]
"Never walk away from a dollar that makes sense.
" [Mo.]
Oh, wow.
Well, you know, your daddy sounds like a schmuck! [laughs.]
Boom! How does it feel to get mowed down by Mo, - you double McFucks? - [pen clatters.]
How do you say "give us the room" in Korean? You know what? Never mind.
Just leave.
All the Koreans in the room, leave.
Every Korean in the room, get out of the room.
Sorry, ladies, you're gonna miss the show.
You know what's gonna be amazing? When I redecorate this fucking place, right? Out with the blue blood, in with the new blood.
You know, Len, I think I know what Mo's up to.
- [door closes.]
- You think he's trying? [both.]
The Georgina play.
Well, uh, guess what.
You figured it out two signatures too late.
By this time tomorrow, I'll be at 51%, and I'll be richer than both of you two fucks fucked together.
No, no, you'll only get to 49%, and then you'll quickly realize that Georgina is the white whale of Wall Street.
Oh, whale? I love whale.
Chez Luc does an off-menu humpback carpaccio that's to die for.
[smooches.]
In 1861, Georgina Jeans Or as it was known at the time, Georgina Amalgamated Slave Holdings Decided to stop selling slaves and start making pants.
For slaves.
Eventually slavery went out of fashion.
But, ironically, those pants became very fashionable.
The company took off.
Ever since, their warehouses have made them a target for takeovers.
Better men than you, Maurice, have fallen prey to the siren song of Lady Georgina.
But she's left them all bankrupt, suicidal, or even worse [both.]
Middle class.
Yeah, well, until now.
Until never.
The Georgina family owns 51% hidden in shell companies within shell companies that would take a million Jew lawyers a million Jew years to jew out.
And the family keeps it a well-guarded secret so that anyone attempting a takeover gets burned.
- Sometimes literally.
- Sometimes literally! Our grand-père, Leonitis Lehman set himself ablaze after his failed attempt triggered the '29 crash.
So, unless your last name is Georgina, good luck unloading the most toxic stock in the history of Wall Street.
Hey, Len, I got a good one for you.
Where do all the rock-star traders go out after they trade with the Lehmans? - A window.
- Oh, that's funny.
Those comedy classes are really paying off.
Your comedy classes suck! And your timing is for shit! I'm gonna go now.
- [door opens, closes.]
- Good luck.
[door opens.]
Ugh.
Ugh.
Shit.
- Wow.
- I know.
- It's pretty gross, right? - [door closes.]
- Ugh! - No, no, no.
I'm talking about you.
Good thing these sprinklers don't work.
It'd be [imitates sprinklers whooshing.]
[chuckles.]
Well, you know, I did have to come correct - for your party, right? - Yes, you did.
[chuckles.]
So how'd it go with the Lehmans today? Fucking outstanding.
How else could it go? Good.
So, listen, I'm I'm sorry I was so hard on you today, Mo-Mo.
- I just - Eh.
[sighs.]
I just, uh You know, I just want you to be okay.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
[door opens.]
[Spencer.]
Hey, Dawny, you ready? Hey! My man! Maurice! - Eh, Spencer.
- Hey.
How's the brain biz, bro? - Oh, you know, it's boring.
- Yeah, I can imagine.
No, that's a neurosurgery joke Because we're always boring into people's skulls.
- [laughing.]
Oh, amazing! - Yeah.
But speaking of jokes, you guys are gonna love it tonight because I got Piscopo MC'ing.
Yeah, he does an amazing me.
Sounds like it could be kind of racist And it-it is very racist But it's funny racist.
- "Funny racist"? Okay, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's the good kind.
- You know, I remember when your birthday used to be just sticking a candle in some apple pie at Church's Chicken.
[Dawn chuckles.]
Yeah, well, fuck those days, huh? - [Spencer.]
Aw.
Okay, well, uh - Anyway, if you don't mind, though, - I got to get out of here - Yeah.
because I got a Dawn I have to get to myself.
You may have heard of her Rae Dawn Chong.
That's right.
I'm gonna show her the real color purple.
[chuckles.]
My co It's a dick joke.
The top of it.
When it gets engorged, it turns purple, like aubergine.
- See you at the party! - [door closes.]
All right.
[forlorn music.]
Aw.
[laughs.]
What's the problem? Your little algorithm doesn't work so well against real traders, huh? Pro tip, kid computers don't make trades, okay? Men do.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dick.
- Wait a minute.
Hold up.
So what was the plan? You were gonna land a big, juicy job, then you're gonna run over there and propose to her? Yeah.
Yeah.
I get that.
Look, you got to do it.
You just got to fucking do it.
If you don't do this, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
You're gonna lose her forever.
- No, I already lost her.
- No.
She's not gonna marry some jobless loser.
- I'm a loser.
- [laughing.]
You're not Look, just go fucking propose already, okay? I'll see you in the morning.
Wait.
Wait, really? Yes.
With the Honda.
I will see you in the morning with the Honda.
- Oh - A bet is a bet.
[laughs.]
Come on.
I'm just messing around.
You didn't do so bad today.
I lost you $49,999.
16.
W-what is that? That's like two robot butlers.
- [stammers.]
Uh, sure.
- You know, nobody's yelled at me like that since 1973? You got some balls behind those pleats.
So what do you say, Mr.
MBA? You want to fuck with me? Or are you too good for my little "chop shop"? I would love to fuck with you.
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes, thank you.
- Okay.
- Thank you so - Oh! No touching.
- I'm sorry.
- No touching.
I'm sorry about that.
But I got something else, and you need to hear this.
- This is critical.
- Yes.
I'm gonna need that Honda.
[laughing.]
[stops laughing.]
You said you were kidding.
No, I was kidding when I said I didn't need it.
Give me the fucking Honda.
I'm gonna use it as a toilet.
And next time I'm coming for that dope-ass tie pin.
Oh, no, no, no, I'd never bet this.
Get the fuck out of here.
Everything's got a price.
- You watching the World Series? - Yeah.
Don't bet on the Red Sox, Al.
- I shortened "algorithm.
" - Huh.
[clears throat.]
[car door hisses closed.]
[Don Henley's "New York Minute".]
[engine rumbling.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[Mo.]
Oh, shit! I did not think he was gonna show up.
Harry got up Dressed all in black [Chad.]
You ready, boss? Went down to the station Boss? And he never came back Uh you know, let's just go home.
I'm I'm beat.
They found his clothing [Chad.]
You got it, Mo.
And he won't be down on Wall Street In the morning He had a home Love of a girl But men get lost sometimes As years unfurl One day he crossed some line And he was too much in this world But I guess it doesn't matter anymore In a New York Minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Things can get pretty strange In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York minute In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh You can get out of the way In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Things can get a little strange In a New York minute [snorting.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York Minute [beeping.]
In a New York minute
[woman speaking indistinctly over phone line.]
[continues sobbing.]
[engine revving.]
[Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five's "The Message".]
[engine rumbling.]
[engine stops.]
[man screams.]
[tense music.]
[watch ticking.]
[Run-D.
M.
C.
's "Hard Times".]
[rhythmic breathing.]
Hard times Wait, Blair.
- Wear this.
- What? For good luck on your interviews.
[Speaking foreign language.]
motherfucker.
[giggles.]
You're stuck on the ground - Go get 'em! I love you.
- [groans nervously.]
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Five large.
Now, you be sure to tell Page Six that I knocked the glaze off that doughnut.
- Mmm.
- Okay? Kyle.
- Want to do some cocaine? - [beeps.]
Fantastic.
[man.]
Ooh-whee! There she go! God damn! Yo, mama, where you going? Fucking dyke! They tell you times are tough [sneezes.]
[gags, coughs.]
But when you work for the ace You know you pulled the right card Hard times got my pockets All in chains I'll tell you what, homeboy It don't have my brain All day I have to work at my peak Because I need that dollar every day of the week Hard times Hard times [electronic pop music playing on TV.]
[woman on TV.]
Georgina.
[music stops.]
It is my 39th birthday, and that is what I want.
No "problemo," Mo.
I'll get a B-cup down here by 9:45 or now if, uh, Dawn is willing.
- [men laugh.]
- Wow, you know what? I'm really surprised a ladies' man such as yourself doesn't know his cups.
- These are Cs, baby.
- [men.]
Ooh! These right here These are Bs.
Who wants to come titty-fuck Keith? [laughter.]
Dawn's on the board.
But, no, I want the company.
Georgina Jeans currently does all of its manufacturing in Manhattan, so you know what that means.
It means that the land the warehouse is on is worth twice the company.
Exactly, which makes them ripe for a take Ripe for a takeover.
See? Great minds.
See, when we're going on together, it's like jazz.
You guys are fucking watching jazz.
I hate to bust your denim dream, but, no.
It's fucking impossible, Mo.
- Oh, is it impossible, Dawn? - It's impossible.
Lehman Brothers owns 30% of Georgina.
And trust me, they'd rather vote for punk-ass Mondale than sell us a share of shit.
"Impossible.
" Well, let me tell you something, gang.
I was born in a toilet and left on the steps of a Church 's Chicken.
Yeah, Church's Chicken.
- Anyway, 39 years later - Wait, 30 what? Thirty-nine years later to the day, Dawn! - He's 60.
- [laughter.]
I woke up in a $1,500-a-night fuck pad after having a $5,000 Park Avenue fuckathon.
- [Dawn.]
What? - Whoo! My robot butler brought me caviar and The Wall Street Journal, and I said, "Kyle" Because I named him.
They encourage you to name them.
It helps with the bonding I said, "Kyle, throw that fish jizz out.
Caviar is wack.
" Kyle did that shit because Kyle understands English.
Solid.
[Mo.]
And The Wall Street Journal called you all the number 11 trading firm on the block.
[all cheering.]
And they called your man the Billy Ocean of trading.
- That's right! - [all cheering.]
Get it, get it, get it.
[coughs.]
Billy, Billy, Billy Ocean [man.]
That's that's the hit right there.
- Yes! - [all.]
Yeah! - Yes! - [all.]
Yeah! No! [man.]
Hey! [man 2.]
Whoa! Hey! [employees murmuring.]
Eleven? Get that out of here.
The number 11 guy on the Knicks isn't even a basketball player, all right? He's an eight-foot Serb with a kidney disease they took a flier on.
Eleven is one one too many.
It's been the same Monopoly-man-looking motherfuckers at the top of Wall Street for 1,000 years.
"Impossible"? This shit is simple.
What goes in your pocket when that bell rings at the end of the day comes directly out of some other sucker's asshole.
- [chuckles.]
- Right? One guy gets a dope chalet in Vail.
Another guy has to tell his daughter that Christmas is canceled because Santa Claus exploded in the Challenger.
- Ugh.
- Now, I know who I am.
- Do you know who you are? - I'm Kerth Keith! Yes.
Do you know who you are? - Yassir X.
- Absolutely.
- Do you know who you - Get the fuck out of my face.
Right.
Ronnie, you know who you are? Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out.
- Just say "Ronnie.
" - I know who you are, all right? God chose me to choose you.
- Okay.
- I am black Moses.
Nigga, did you say you black Moses? Okay? And that designer denim LLC is the Red Sea.
And I'm gonna part that shit up, and I'm gonna take us to the promised land.
[all cheering.]
- Yeah! Yeah! - So start buying, okay? But you keep that shit quiet, 'cause if anybody outside of this room gets wind of that, you're all gonna be deader than that gremlin's pussy - on top of Keith's head.
- [laughter.]
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put the "brother" [sniffs.]
in Lehman Brothers.
- [all cheering.]
- [Ronnie.]
Yeah! Yes! Yeah! - Hey, Mo.
- No, Keith.
God damn it.
You cannot stop a man who just butt-fucks his walk-off line - and then - Happy birthday, boss.
I know it's the same shit every year, but what do you get the guy who has everything, right? - [all.]
More coke.
- [laughter.]
- You guys get me.
- [men.]
Yeah! [indistinct chatter.]
[upbeat synth music.]
Scusi.
[chuckles.]
I seem to have come down with a bad case of the first days.
Uh, I have an interview - at Morgan St - Hold on a second, Scotty.
- Sorry.
- Get cancer.
No, no, I just stepped in some dog shit.
[bell ringing.]
Pretty wild, right? Yeah, it's awful.
If this is trading, I may have picked the wrong career.
Oh.
Uh, this is awkward.
Ty Daverman, Morgan Stanley.
We spoke on the phone.
You're Blair? Yes, Blair.
Yes, Blair Pfaff.
Yes, it's a very it's very nice to meet you, sir.
Hey, before when I said I may have picked the wrong career, I meant that as a, uh a joke.
[chuckles.]
Joking's kind of my strong suit.
I mean, obviously trading is my strong suit.
What are my weaknesses? That's a great question.
I can only think of three Caring too much, working too hard, and caring too much.
And I just repeated myself, so that's four weaknesses, 'cause I That's a repeating weakness.
Wow, good thing I'm not interviewing you, 'cause I think you'd shit your pants in the next two seconds.
I think so.
You're here to interview me, kid.
- I am? - You're top recruit on the street.
Everybody's buzzing about this, uh, trading algorithm you developed for your MBA thesis at Wharton.
- [chuckles.]
- Hey, I'm a Wharthog myself.
[snorts melodically.]
- [snorts melodically.]
- [both laugh.]
Look, you're gonna have your pick of the top shops, all right? But you want to be a MoStan man.
Technology we're on the cutting edge, all right? From mobile phones as small as toasters to computers big as barns.
Here, consider it a gift.
Seriously? Now, let's let these animals fight over the scraps.
- [elevator bell dings.]
- I'll show you what the world looks like to a MoStan man.
[upbeat hip-hop music.]
[inhales and exhales deeply.]
[chuckles.]
Lenny Lehman.
I'm Larry.
I'm Lenny.
You really can't tell us apart? Wait a minute, I forget.
Now, which one of you is a virgin, and which one of you ain't never been laid before? [laughs.]
We call that a dis! Really? Well, if you were an identical twin, I would ask you, which one of you is under investigation, and which one of you has already been investigated? Now, that's a "dist.
" [laughs.]
What do you assholes want, anyway? What do we wha you came here.
What do you want? I would like to be a pair of Downtown Julie Brown's socks, but in the meantime, I'll take your shares of Georgina.
Georgina? The women's jeanery? Len, do we even own any of that? Yeah, Lar, we bought a chunk of that a while back to offset our capital gain Just give me the fucking shares.
Then we'll go have brunch afterwards, on me.
Cheetah's Topless What do you say? Free ta-tas and frittatas? - Ew.
- Why Georgina? It's a dog.
No big whoop.
They cut a nice jean.
I don't know about that.
We're all Cavaricci all the time, but okay.
Len, what's a fair price for our block of Georgina? Well, it's trading at six, so based on projected future earnings, I'd say One million dollars a share? [guffaws.]
Why don't you two stop fucking each other for five minutes and sell me some goddamn stock? - That was a rumor.
- I've never fucked my brother! - That was a rumor.
- I've never fucked my brother! I-I know that.
That was a joke.
It would be insane if you guys were actually fucking each other.
Yeah, exactly, Mo! So, uh, maybe you should scram, okay? You're making us late for our stand-up comedy class.
Get that money.
[imitates whooshing.]
- Eight.
- Twenty.
Nine and a half.
- Twenty.
- [sighs.]
Ten.
- Twenty-five.
- Thirty.
- Ooh, this is fun.
- You fuck All right eighteen.
- Really? - Yeah.
Eighteen on two million shares? - Yeah.
- Great.
Thirty-six million dollars by close today, or the deal is off.
Great.
That's an excellent fucking timeframe.
If you were to give me a menu of timeframes and say, "Mo, you want to pick a time" [both.]
It was a pleasure doing bus - Oh.
[sighs.]
- One, two [both.]
It was a pleasure doing business with you, - Mr.
Monroe.
- Jesus Christ.
- You call yourself a twin? - This is your thing.
I don't want to do the talking at the same time.
- [elevator bell dings.]
- Thanks.
Hey, Tiff, guess what I'm doing.
- [indistinct chatter.]
- Walking! Yeah, the guys from Morgan gave me a mobile phone.
I'm walking and talking! I'm still sort of getting the hang of it, but guess what else.
Morgan, Lehman, Goldman all made crazy offers.
Yeah, go out and buy yourself something really expensive, 'cause we got a lot to celebrate tonight.
A lot.
- Get ready - [grunts.]
- [all exclaim.]
- Oh, oh! Oh, I am so sorry.
That, uh, was a total accident.
God, what is this, parmesan? That is All right.
You're Maurice Monroe.
You're Mo the Marauder.
I r-read about you in the newspaper today.
I'm so sorry.
That was a very That was a bad accident - on my part.
I'm so sorry.
- Kid, kid, it's all right.
It's all listen.
It's all right, okay? Accidents happen.
Accidents happen! - [indistinct chatter.]
- Accidents happen.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Well, you know my name.
What's yours? - Blair.
- No, really, what's your name? - Uh, Blair.
- Oh.
Yeah, it's actually much more common for a man than for a woman, yeah.
I mean, think of all the famous male Blairs, right? There's-there's L.
A.
Law heartthrob Blair Underwood.
- Yes.
- Right? There's, uh, former Secretary of State of Maryland Blair Lee III.
And who could forget British Lieutenant Governor Sir Blair Aubyn Stewart-Wilson? I mean, that guy was equerry to Her Majesty, the Queen.
You really know your Blairs.
- [laughing.]
I do, I do.
- Well, who do you work for? Well, I-I'm fielding multiple offers right now.
I mean, between you and me, I'm kind of hot on the street.
You lucky son of a bitch.
That's exciting.
- It is exciting.
- Hey, everybody! - No, come on.
- No, no, it's fine.
- No, sir, I really - Don't worry about it.
Listen.
Um, if anyone here hires Blair Bat Mitzvah Fucking Girl's Name, whatever, I will personally be on the other side of every trade you make until you die, which will be soon, because you will jump out of a window because you're bankrupt, at which point I will go to your homes, and I will make love to your wife - [light laughter.]
- and your kids, depending on age and gender and looks.
Let's be honest It's mostly gonna be looks.
- [laughter.]
- Okay, everybody got that? I am willing to lose a mil a day to prevent Rachel Girl's Fucking Name here - [laughter.]
- from ever being employed for the rest of her natural or unnatural fucking life Whichever comes first.
Everybody clear on that? - [cheers and applause.]
- All right.
As you were.
- No, sir, sir, this was - As you were.
Okay, okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Is everything okay here, Mr.
Monroe? Yeah, everything's okay, except this fucking kid doesn't know how to walk or do coke.
Oh, it's cocaine.
No, no, it's not my coke.
I don't I don't do Oh, it's not your coke? Are you saying it's my coke? No, I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying it Wait, are you calling me a fucking cokehead? - No, I'm not saying - Well, I do do coke.
In fact, it's my second favorite thing to do.
You know what my first favorite thing is? Money.
Now, my third favorite thing is rolling up my first favorite thing and doing a mountain of my fucking second favorite thing.
But, Chong, here's the real thing drugs on the floor is a two-year suspension, if I'm correct.
Okay, now n-now, okay.
Okay, all right.
No, you see, this was a misunderstanding.
All right, Let me settle this.
Does anyone know whose coke this is? It's the kid's coke dropped right out of his pocket.
- Let's go.
- Yeah, total basehead.
He tried to sell me heroin last week.
- Did you check him for a gun? - Gun! Yeah, party's over, Scarface! No! No, no, no.
[panting.]
Mr.
Daverman.
Mr.
Daverman.
I will take that job.
I am definitely a MoStan man.
No, you're not, Blair.
By the way, you got a chick's name.
It's much more common for a man! [indistinct chatter.]
[gasps.]
How rich are we? [chuckles stiffly.]
- [inhales sharply, giggling.]
- [laughing awkwardly.]
- [groans.]
- Ooh! What's all this? It's cocaine, but I can explain.
No explanation necessary, babe.
Let's celebrate.
Now, just tell me [sniffs.]
are we talking house money, or summer-house money? 'Cause I saw this place today.
Now, it's definitely crazy.
- But it's not insane.
- Babe.
It's Saddam Hussein's condo for when he's in New York.
It's a total gut job, but the bones are amazing.
Hey, speaking of jobs - [clears throat.]
- So, um I didn't get any, and I never will, but it's not a bad thing.
Remember that screenplay I wrote in college? Hear me out.
What if we go to L.
A - [grunts.]
- [scoffs.]
I'm sorry.
I-I think I wa I was just reacting to your joke? W-what's happening, Blair? You told me you had three job offers.
I did, and it was a real real dream come true, until I met basically the Freddy Krueger of Wall Street, and he entered that precious dream, and he shredded it, like Freddy Krueger is wont to do.
But you know what? We don't need money to be happy.
I'm sorry.
That must be some sort of fight-or-flight thing, but this is okay.
Okay.
This is okay.
- [sniffs.]
- [sighs.]
[exhales sharply, sniffs.]
You'll just go You'll go work for my dad! No, I told you I'm gonna make it on my own.
I'm dating a success, Blair.
The only question is, is it gonna be you, or is it gonna be Nat Hayes, who's been trying to get his fingers in me since a cappella camp? - Oh - Someone took your job? Take it back.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
This doesn't have to be the end of me.
Yeah, I could just I could just lay low for, what, like, a year or two, let that old guard die out - Ah! - What is this thing - A dick or a vagina? - Babe, language! If this is, in fact, a dick and not a long dangling clit and you ever want to put it in me again, you will go down there and get your dream back.
So tell me Is this a dick or a vagina? I think we both know that it Do you have a dick or a vagina? I have a penis! [inhales deeply.]
Should we have sex really quick? - 'Cause I'm super - Ah, ah, ah, ah jazzed.
No.
Yeah, I get you.
I'm gonna go get my job, and then I'm gonna come back and do sex on you.
[breathlessly.]
And then we're gonna get some TCBY.
- Ooh.
- You want yogurt? - Yes.
- Mommy, baby want yogurt.
- Oh, I want chocolate.
- I want sprinkles [yelping.]
Mommy! Get down there and get your job back.
Okay.
[Mo.]
Gang, listen up.
I got some good news, and I got some better news.
Good news Don Henley is confirmed for my bitchin' B-day blowout party tonight.
[Keith.]
Ooh, I love him.
You know, I don't really fuck with the guy's music, but, you know, his album's number one, and my party's gonna be number one, so it just kind of made sense.
And the better news I have acquired the Lehman Brother's block of Georgina.
- [man.]
Nice.
- Holy shit.
- [man.]
Whoo! - [Mo chuckles.]
What'd you pay? Can I live? Jesus Christ, Dawn, you don't ask a man how much he spent on a gift, which is exactly what that is for you.
- Eighteen.
- Ooh.
Eighteen? It's at six and a half! - We don't have that kind of cash.
- I will fucking borrow it, Dawn.
Mo, you are risking everything! That's the best part.
Dawn, co you remember Top Gun, right? Of course I remember Top Gun.
You-you-you made me see it - three times opening night.
- Yes, I did.
And you know what? It wasn't a good movie.
Yes, it was! It was just a bunch of white boys trying to butt-fuck each other in the clouds.
Okay, yes, those undertones did exist, but that's not the fucking point of what I'm trying to tell you here.
I'm saying that if they had not risked it all, where would Goose and Mav be right now? Goose would probably be alive.
- We don't know that, Dawn! - [Keith.]
Oh, come on! Okay? Goose was very reckless.
Mav said, "Watch the fucking canopy.
" - Well, he fucking - And what did Goose do? - Hey! - [conversation abruptly stops.]
Bet you didn't think you'd see this me again.
This guy! Me! Wow.
I am very glad you're here.
- Really? - Yeah.
I would like a tuna fish sandwich, hold the carrots, and a Crystal Pepsi.
Anybody? No, I'm the guy from the floor.
- With the cocaine.
- Oh! Thank God.
- Hey, coke guy's here! - [Ronnie.]
Uh, let me get two eight balls and, uh, what's that new thing everybody's talking about? Crack? Crack? - Oh, two cracks.
- Just regular cocaine for me.
No, no, no, let's be innovative.
Cracks.
Cracks for everybody, guys! - Yeah.
- No one is getting cracks! [all.]
Oh.
I am Blair Pfaff.
Rachel the Bat Mitzvah Girl.
Yes.
You are the motherfucker that ruined my suit.
Yeah, and you're the motherfucker who ruined my life.
Suit's worth more.
It was a Bijan.
- Had to throw it in the trash.
- [gasps.]
It was a Bijan? Shut the fuck up.
You think you scare me? My dad beat me every day of my life until he died, and he literally died of a heart attack while beating me.
[both laugh.]
You got to be fucking shitting me.
- Is that true? - Yeah.
I worked two jobs to get my degree.
I worked three to get my MBA, and yet I still had enough time to develop an algorithm that, when backtested, beat every house on the street, including your chop shop, okay? So I'm here as a warning.
I'm gonna use this "cocaine possession with intent to distribute" charge as motivation to become the biggest swinging dick on Wall Street.
So here's what you can do, Mo.
You can go downstairs and un-take the giant poo you took on my career.
Or guess what.
I'm gonna be on the other side of every trade you make for the rest of your life.
- Mm.
- I'm gonna call an ambulance.
[gulps.]
What kind of car you drive, kid? Oh, 'cause I drive a Honda and you drive a Porsche? I don't drive shit.
I get driven.
- Mm-hmm.
- In a Lamborghini limousine, aka a Lambo limo, aka a Limbo.
So you get none of the speed of a Lamborghini and none of the comfort of a limousine? Yeah, but it costs twice as much as both, obvious This guy is not a car guy.
You're not a car guy.
- I don't like your fucking tone.
- You don't know shit about cracks.
Who are you, Pfaff? Who are you? Mr.
Hotshot with an Algorithm's got all these guys downstairs jizzing in their fucking pants.
Well, let me ask you something.
You want to you want to give it a test-drive? What? I'll put 50K in an account.
And you double that by close, and you get a job.
You don't, I get your car.
Why do you want a shitty Honda? [mockingly.]
I don't want a "shitty Honda.
" I want your shitty Honda.
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
Dawn will set you up with an account.
Don't let those titties fool you, all right? She's got the biggest set of nuts on Wall Street.
Now, if you will "excusez-me-moi," I got about three and a half hours to borrow 36 million bucks.
- Chad, moisten me.
- Wha [clears throat.]
I'm not a allowed to trade.
I'm being investigated for cocaine, remember? - [laughter.]
- Kid, who isn't? I fucking freebased with the mayor of D.
C.
- Ah! Mayor Barry.
- [man.]
Tough on crime.
But you are about to learn a valuable lesson that your fucking MBA and all your bullshit education could not teach you.
The only algorithm that a real trader needs is the Algo-rhythm of the night Ooh! You just got DeBarged.
[DeBarge's "Rhythm of the Night".]
[computer whirs.]
Okay, everybody, ten Gs, Michael J.
Cocksucker here goes bust in an hour! No, fucking make that 15! I got 15! When it feels like The world is on your shoulders And all of the madness has got you going crazy It's time to get out Step out into the street Where all of the action Is right there at your feet Well, I know a place Where we can dance the whole night away [Keith laughs.]
Underneath electric stars - Whoa! Not okay! - [laughter.]
Not cool! You'll be doing fine once the music starts Oh! Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night Dance until the morning light That's why I love you, Sergei.
You can leave them all behind Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night - This is working? - Kid's got a shot.
Fucking [grunts.]
Dude, we just fixed that wall! - Hey, I got the - [men grunting.]
Just coming through there? Okay.
[grunting continues.]
Shit.
Look out on the street now Yeah.
The music's playing Wow.
Hey, uh Under the streetlights, the scene is being set A night for romance Whoa! That's a lot of blood for a little guy.
[man.]
Shit.
I can't believe it.
This guy's gonna get to 100.
[man 2.]
Oh, this is bullshit.
[man 3.]
How the fuck is this happening? - [computer beeping.]
- [man 2.]
Hang on, hang on.
- [man.]
Oh, shit.
- [man 4.]
It's dropping! - [laughs.]
- [man 5.]
Here come the short sellers.
- Oh! [laughing.]
- [Blair.]
No, no, no.
- [bell rings.]
- Oh! Fuck! You! [Keith.]
Pay up, Dawn! Cheetah's Topless! First round of head's on me.
Let's go.
Come on, there you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Bye-bye.
- [man laughs.]
- See you at the party, Dawn.
Shit.
- You bet on me to win? - [door closes.]
Mm, actually, I bet you'd lose it all.
That last 84 cent cost me 15 grand.
Well, too bad you won't be sticking around.
You're cute, kid.
But you're the worst trader in Manhattan since the Indians.
[snickers.]
Hey, brother-fuckers.
That's a rumor! - That's a goddamn rumor! - Rumor.
This is a buy order for all your Georgina shares.
So, if you would please sign this before I have to call INS or child protective services or whatever the fuck it is you guys got going here.
You know, Len, as much as I'd like to deny Mr.
Monroe of something he desires remember what Daddy always said.
[both.]
"Never walk away from a dollar that makes sense.
" [Mo.]
Oh, wow.
Well, you know, your daddy sounds like a schmuck! [laughs.]
Boom! How does it feel to get mowed down by Mo, - you double McFucks? - [pen clatters.]
How do you say "give us the room" in Korean? You know what? Never mind.
Just leave.
All the Koreans in the room, leave.
Every Korean in the room, get out of the room.
Sorry, ladies, you're gonna miss the show.
You know what's gonna be amazing? When I redecorate this fucking place, right? Out with the blue blood, in with the new blood.
You know, Len, I think I know what Mo's up to.
- [door closes.]
- You think he's trying? [both.]
The Georgina play.
Well, uh, guess what.
You figured it out two signatures too late.
By this time tomorrow, I'll be at 51%, and I'll be richer than both of you two fucks fucked together.
No, no, you'll only get to 49%, and then you'll quickly realize that Georgina is the white whale of Wall Street.
Oh, whale? I love whale.
Chez Luc does an off-menu humpback carpaccio that's to die for.
[smooches.]
In 1861, Georgina Jeans Or as it was known at the time, Georgina Amalgamated Slave Holdings Decided to stop selling slaves and start making pants.
For slaves.
Eventually slavery went out of fashion.
But, ironically, those pants became very fashionable.
The company took off.
Ever since, their warehouses have made them a target for takeovers.
Better men than you, Maurice, have fallen prey to the siren song of Lady Georgina.
But she's left them all bankrupt, suicidal, or even worse [both.]
Middle class.
Yeah, well, until now.
Until never.
The Georgina family owns 51% hidden in shell companies within shell companies that would take a million Jew lawyers a million Jew years to jew out.
And the family keeps it a well-guarded secret so that anyone attempting a takeover gets burned.
- Sometimes literally.
- Sometimes literally! Our grand-père, Leonitis Lehman set himself ablaze after his failed attempt triggered the '29 crash.
So, unless your last name is Georgina, good luck unloading the most toxic stock in the history of Wall Street.
Hey, Len, I got a good one for you.
Where do all the rock-star traders go out after they trade with the Lehmans? - A window.
- Oh, that's funny.
Those comedy classes are really paying off.
Your comedy classes suck! And your timing is for shit! I'm gonna go now.
- [door opens, closes.]
- Good luck.
[door opens.]
Ugh.
Ugh.
Shit.
- Wow.
- I know.
- It's pretty gross, right? - [door closes.]
- Ugh! - No, no, no.
I'm talking about you.
Good thing these sprinklers don't work.
It'd be [imitates sprinklers whooshing.]
[chuckles.]
Well, you know, I did have to come correct - for your party, right? - Yes, you did.
[chuckles.]
So how'd it go with the Lehmans today? Fucking outstanding.
How else could it go? Good.
So, listen, I'm I'm sorry I was so hard on you today, Mo-Mo.
- I just - Eh.
[sighs.]
I just, uh You know, I just want you to be okay.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
[door opens.]
[Spencer.]
Hey, Dawny, you ready? Hey! My man! Maurice! - Eh, Spencer.
- Hey.
How's the brain biz, bro? - Oh, you know, it's boring.
- Yeah, I can imagine.
No, that's a neurosurgery joke Because we're always boring into people's skulls.
- [laughing.]
Oh, amazing! - Yeah.
But speaking of jokes, you guys are gonna love it tonight because I got Piscopo MC'ing.
Yeah, he does an amazing me.
Sounds like it could be kind of racist And it-it is very racist But it's funny racist.
- "Funny racist"? Okay, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's the good kind.
- You know, I remember when your birthday used to be just sticking a candle in some apple pie at Church's Chicken.
[Dawn chuckles.]
Yeah, well, fuck those days, huh? - [Spencer.]
Aw.
Okay, well, uh - Anyway, if you don't mind, though, - I got to get out of here - Yeah.
because I got a Dawn I have to get to myself.
You may have heard of her Rae Dawn Chong.
That's right.
I'm gonna show her the real color purple.
[chuckles.]
My co It's a dick joke.
The top of it.
When it gets engorged, it turns purple, like aubergine.
- See you at the party! - [door closes.]
All right.
[forlorn music.]
Aw.
[laughs.]
What's the problem? Your little algorithm doesn't work so well against real traders, huh? Pro tip, kid computers don't make trades, okay? Men do.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dick.
- Wait a minute.
Hold up.
So what was the plan? You were gonna land a big, juicy job, then you're gonna run over there and propose to her? Yeah.
Yeah.
I get that.
Look, you got to do it.
You just got to fucking do it.
If you don't do this, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
You're gonna lose her forever.
- No, I already lost her.
- No.
She's not gonna marry some jobless loser.
- I'm a loser.
- [laughing.]
You're not Look, just go fucking propose already, okay? I'll see you in the morning.
Wait.
Wait, really? Yes.
With the Honda.
I will see you in the morning with the Honda.
- Oh - A bet is a bet.
[laughs.]
Come on.
I'm just messing around.
You didn't do so bad today.
I lost you $49,999.
16.
W-what is that? That's like two robot butlers.
- [stammers.]
Uh, sure.
- You know, nobody's yelled at me like that since 1973? You got some balls behind those pleats.
So what do you say, Mr.
MBA? You want to fuck with me? Or are you too good for my little "chop shop"? I would love to fuck with you.
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes, thank you.
- Okay.
- Thank you so - Oh! No touching.
- I'm sorry.
- No touching.
I'm sorry about that.
But I got something else, and you need to hear this.
- This is critical.
- Yes.
I'm gonna need that Honda.
[laughing.]
[stops laughing.]
You said you were kidding.
No, I was kidding when I said I didn't need it.
Give me the fucking Honda.
I'm gonna use it as a toilet.
And next time I'm coming for that dope-ass tie pin.
Oh, no, no, no, I'd never bet this.
Get the fuck out of here.
Everything's got a price.
- You watching the World Series? - Yeah.
Don't bet on the Red Sox, Al.
- I shortened "algorithm.
" - Huh.
[clears throat.]
[car door hisses closed.]
[Don Henley's "New York Minute".]
[engine rumbling.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[Mo.]
Oh, shit! I did not think he was gonna show up.
Harry got up Dressed all in black [Chad.]
You ready, boss? Went down to the station Boss? And he never came back Uh you know, let's just go home.
I'm I'm beat.
They found his clothing [Chad.]
You got it, Mo.
And he won't be down on Wall Street In the morning He had a home Love of a girl But men get lost sometimes As years unfurl One day he crossed some line And he was too much in this world But I guess it doesn't matter anymore In a New York Minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Things can get pretty strange In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York minute In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh You can get out of the way In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York minute Ooh-ooh-ooh Things can get a little strange In a New York minute [snorting.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh Everything can change In a New York Minute [beeping.]
In a New York minute