Black Monday (2019) s01e03 Episode Script


1 Previously on Black Monday - Oh! - How are you gonna get Blair to just give us his Georgina shares once he's married? I'm gonna form a father-son reverse Diff'rent Strokes.
What's up, queef? Keith is a homo? All I want is a piece of what we built.
If we're not gonna do this deal, I got to go.
I am not a people person.
Do you know who's really good? My partner, Dawn.
Why else do you think she's got 15% of my company? Pull! Hurry! Use both nostrils! They're quacking at you, man! - Yeah! - Die, quackers! God, these graphics are so realistic.
- Perfect score.
- I have to kill ducks after work.
My kid is gonna plotz.
His bar mitzvah's tomorrow.
This thing is impossible to get.
The line's bigger than the tits on the 'tute I paid to wait in it.
Hey, speaking of fathers and sons and shit, I need a little advice, Keithy.
That's what best friends are for.
Look, given that I'm the Muhammad Ali of pulling out, I don't have any sons of my own.
To clarify, I'm as good at pulling out as Muhammad Ali is at boxing.
He is terrible at pulling out.
He's got, like, nine kids, five moms.
More like Ali-mony.
- Ugh.
- Ugh, ugh.
Look, I want to form a father-son relationship with Blair, you know, so I can get close enough to him to stab him in the back.
Oh, buy his love.
Like that Nintendo.
I mean, right? That bad boy's gonna make my kid forget all about the time he walked in on me trying to hang myself.
- What the hell? - Why can't you just jerk off like a regular guy? It's called asphyx-turbation, all right? You know, you choke your chicken while you choke yourself.
I learned it from my friend in that band, uh, INXS.
- It's amazing.
- Buying love works.
You know, I forgot my kid's birthday.
I went and I got him one of the actual Darth Vader masks from the movie.
Oh, uh, Return of the Jedi? No, I couldn't afford that, so I got the o-one from the rape scene in Revenge of the Nerds.
But bonding isn't just about buying them expensive shit.
It's about taking them to expensive shit, too.
Blair was born in a cornfield.
Everything impresses him, right? So just take him out to a VIP NYC night he'll never remember.
- That's the ticket.
- So parenting is just like dating, but with no sex.
And that's great, 'cause I'm the Michael Jackson of dating.
To clarify, I'm as good at dating as Michael Jackson is at dating kids.
Brooke Shields.
It's 11:30.
Can we please start the goddamn morning meeting? Hey, who wants to go double or nothing? - Yes! - 20 Gs you don't get one duck.
All right, while you coke piñatas have been comparing nosebleeds, I secured a large chunk of public Georgina shares, which means if Mo can get Blair's family shares "When Mo gets Blair's family shares.
" we're on our way to the 51% we need, but there's a twist.
Thank God.
I was so bored.
The quarter ends in 48 hours.
If we file with this much on our books, everyone will know the shot.
Our shell companies are full, so that means we need some people to hide the shares for us until the takeover.
What about our overseas shells? We sold our overseas shells.
By the seashore? Oh! Come on, fellas.
This is a tightrope.
We need people who won't fuck us over when we need the shares back but who we don't mind fucking over by implicating in a felony, all right? Basically, our dearest family and friends.
- Everyone I love is dead.
- I'm not even a citizen.
- I think, so - All right.
Wayne and Yass are out.
Mo has no one in his life.
I can park a chunk, but that leaves two more.
- I can park one with Shira.
- Good idea.
Wait, wait, hold it.
Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa.
It's ridiculous.
People love me.
Uh, is that why you were just brainstorming about how to make people love you? Oh! - She got you.
- Thank you.
Fine, take the last one.
And look, if you want to connect with Blair, just talk to his ass, okay? Open up.
Find some common ground.
It's not that hard.
Nah, I'm just gonna go with the throw-a-Nintendo-at-it plan.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hold on, wait.
You mean tha-that Nintendo? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Blair is a fucking nerd.
He is gonna love this chilling vision of our Jap future.
Great jam sesh, guys.
- It was actually a meeting.
- Okay.
- As you were.
- All right, it's cool, yeah.
I-I can get another one by tomorrow.
It's fine.
Oh, "Duck Hunt.
" I thought it was "Duh, Cunt.
" This makes a lot more sense.
Oh, my God.
I bet he's gonna promote you.
You are finally getting off the floor.
About frickin' time.
Babe, we don't know what this is gonna be tonight.
Uh, the guy's unhinged.
I walked in on him the other day masturbating to Hockey's Hardest Hits Volume Three.
- He jerks off in the office? - They all do.
Well, okay, whatever.
How about you make it your promotion? You've literally been there for weeks.
Babe, you don't really make Mo do stuff.
He more sort of does stuff to you, like my gymnastics team doctor.
You were supposed to start as a VP at one of the big three.
Instead, you're stuck as a runner, and we're stuck living in this trash compactor that doesn't even have a trash compactor.
Am I supposed to compact my own trash like some kind of piece of trash? It's not such a crazy ask.
Just let my parents buy us one trash compactor.
How many were you wanting? Tiff, I told you I am very uncomfortable with your parents paying for anything.
- Ugh! - My time on the floor has made my algorithm 2.
0 so much better.
It better be better.
You're working on it every night, and we barely see each other.
And I am not even bringing up the no-sex stuff, which I shouldn't even be the one not bringing up.
You should be.
Not bringing it up? You know what? You're right.
You're right.
- Huh? - I should be more like you.
- Wealthy? - Bitchy.
I'm gonna go get that promotion.
- Yes.
- Tonight.
- Tonight.
- Yes.
- One more? - No, no.
No more.
Just okay, um, well, I love you.
The city that never sleeps.
I'm really excited we get to hang out.
I've been making great progress on my algorithm 2.
Shut the fuck up real quick, Blair.
This night isn't about work, son.
It's about fun, son.
You ever made eye contact with the Statue of Liberty? - No.
- Oh, baby.
This is gonna be great.
Bad news, Shira.
I'm gonna be a little late for dinner.
This deal I'm working on is so hard.
Aw, don't worry about it, monkey.
We already ate four hours ago.
I was actually just sleeping because we have a very big day tomorrow.
You're not gonna have to work all through our son's bar mitzvah, are you? No, no I mean, but, you know, in work's defense, it is paying for this blessed celebration at the Plaza, you know, with Mr.
Met prancing around, and Doc Gooden doesn't do an aliyah for free.
No, you got to pay him in drugs.
You know, and drugs cost money, so Okay, well, I look forward to seeing you extremely soon and all day long tomorrow.
You and me holding hands, watching our boy become a bar mitzvah.
- I love you.
- Love you very much.
- Bye-bye.
- Love you.
That should buy us a little while.
To the star in Starlight Express.
Mm, if I was the star, I wouldn't have to work three other jobs.
- Mm.
- No, I'm just another pair of skates in the chorus.
And with the helmet on, you can barely even tell it's me.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, because I would know these legs anywhere.
Look at them.
- These guys? These guys? - Oh! So beautiful.
Are you okay? You seem distracted.
No, it's fine.
I I just got to get Shira to park a shitload of stock by tomorrow, and she's already up my ass with a pair of cleats.
Is that stock thing something I can help with? - No, don't worry about it.
- No, I want to help.
No, okay? I-I mean, no.
She is gonna take care of it.
And now let me take care of you.
- No.
- Come here.
What? What? What? What? What? You're not making it any easier to leave her.
You said you'd tell her about me.
And I did.
You know, I said that this deal was hard and - No.
- It's not it's not anymore.
You're upset.
What do you want me to do? In your world, people look at you like it's expected, okay? And in in my world, people look at me like I'm infected.
Well, I'm sick of being the other man.
Well, you aren't the other man.
You are the only man, okay? - No, Keith.
- All righ come on.
- Mike, come here, come here.
- It's over.
It's over.
- We lost it.
We lost it.
- Come on.
I'm going to shower.
I got Jane Krakowski and glitter all over me.
For Mom, we have Dubonnet with a twist.
And for Dad, Dewar's, splash of soda, two cubes.
I hate when you call them Mom and Dad.
- It feels incesty.
- We should be so lucky.
I mean to have Spence as a son, not to have kids that have sex with each other.
No, no, I know, Dad.
I know.
Dawny, Spencey, I got a surprise for you.
I present to you Nefertitty.
It's like her eyes are judging me wherever I go.
It's the only piece I had left from my show at the Power Gallery.
This new Afrotica series is really striking a chord.
The whole show sold out first time in a decade.
I was the model for the baby.
Everyone, I got a surprise for you, too.
- I love surprises.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Um well, I just wanted to tell you guys - That I am - Pregnant! - Oh! Oh! - Yes! Oh, my God! Should you drink? Well, although, I did smoke a ton of ganja with you I guess it's okay.
I'm not pregnant.
I'm partner.
At my firm! - That's my big news.
- Oh.
That's really We're not also pregnant by chance, are we? No, not pregnant.
And please don't be one of those guys that says "we.
" I just I don't like it.
Come on, Spence.
Shit or get off the pot.
- I'm trying.
- What? Wait, Dad, in your analogy, I'm a toilet? No, no, I think what Dad is trying to say - That's what he said.
- is that it might be time for us to focus on more important things.
What's important to me right now is the career that I've worked tooth and nail for.
I mean, seriously, I-I've lost teeth and nails doing this job.
Which is the perfect opportunity for you to quit.
- Your career's gonna - It'll be there - I make a very healthy living.
- Your career will be waiting - after you have kids.
- Would the men in this room just shut the hell up? Until your body can give life, then you don't get to say a damn thing about Dawn's.
This is the '80s.
A woman can be whatever she wants.
I'm happy for you, baby girl.
Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, Mom.
- To you.
I'm proud of you, Dawny.
Get ready.
This is the hottest ticket in town.
And we got killer seats.
Why is she crying? - Oh, she knows how it ends.
- Oh.
What are we seeing? - Death of a Salesman.
- Oh.
You remember when that door-to-door vacuum salesman he crawl-space'd all those nurses? - Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
More like "thank God.
" Glass is here, or we get Shamu'd by all the fluids.
Hey, Sheeshee.
I'm so glad you waited up.
Mm, I'm so glad you woke me up, Kiki.
You're nervous about tomorrow, aren't you? - Mm.
- It's gonna be a dream.
- Mm.
- I even picked the shortest haftarah portion, okay? I have a great idea.
Since you're up, why don't you give me a little signature right here? Right there.
Yeah, look at that.
Oh, oh, careful, careful.
I got my perm set today, Kiki.
Oh, okay.
It looks great.
Yeah, it looks really great.
Okay What is this I'm signing? Oh, looks like a document.
I don't know.
I think if you just sign it, we'll just be done with it.
Where's the Nintendo? Uh, it's at the office.
Keeping it safe.
So, you know, if I just get a little, you know, "Shira" right here-a Or-a, why don't you go and get that Nintendo, bring it back, and then I'll sign this vague paperwork? I'm just again, just thinking out loud - Mm-hmm.
- You sign it now.
I get the Nintendo tomorrow on the way to Beth El.
Two birds with one stone, yeah? - Or just spitballing here - Okay.
All right.
Well, you seem like you have a really, uh, strong path on this one.
Uh, I will be right back.
- All right.
- And don't you wait up, okay? Aww.
I'm going shluffy.
I never even open a menu.
I just order the most expensive shit, you know? - It keeps it exciting.
- Oh.
- Looks delicious.
- Doesn't it? Mm-hmm.
It's so fleshy.
Dig in.
Here we go.
- This is so fresh.
- It's the best part.
After you, friend.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I prefer my ground beef cooked and with cheese and on a bun.
I'm from a town with one restaurant.
This world, it's very overwhelming to me.
No, I get it.
I'm not really into this rich shit either, kid.
I mean, I-I kind of grew up like you, you know? But instead of one restaurant, I had no parents.
Hey, what's your favorite burger joint in the city? Well, I've been wanting to try this dive by our place uh, uh, Berger's Burgers, but Tiff's allergic to fast food, so Hang on a minute.
Berger's Burgers? - Yeah.
- In Alphabet City? Yeah.
I practically grew up there.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
You want to go there, get out of here? Uh, yeah.
Uh, hey, come throw this shit in the trash.
I just have to return my jacket.
No, they tried to poison us.
Fucking keep the thing.
Hey! Okay, ok Come on.
Let me in.
Look, look, Shira and I, we broke up.
It's over, baby.
It's donezo, okay? I want to be Keith and Mike.
I want to share everything with you.
A-a place in Chelsea, a portmanteau.
What do you want to call ourselves? You want to call ourselves, uh, Meith or-or Kike? - No, no.
- No, no.
Meith, Meith.
Look, I want to be with you, okay? And I'm gonna tell her tomorrow after that bar mitzvah.
I'm gonna be like, "Baruch atah, adiós, baby," okay? 'Cause I love you.
Come here, you.
Mmm! - I'm shaking.
- Yeah, you are.
Um, we need to celebrate.
Do you have, uh, champagne or something? - Yes, I'll get some.
- All right, great, great.
I'll get some.
Oh, God.
Okay - Uh, out of champagne - Yeah, sounds great! Oh! Fuck! Fuck.
Keith? Holy shit! Whoa! I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine.
Why are you stealing my Nintendo? It's my Nintendo, okay? I bought this for you.
And now I need it for my son, okay? So If I don't bring it to my son, Shira's gonna fucking kill me.
Don't you want to be happy? I am happy.
I fucking love my family.
What, do you want me to leave them for you? For for for sex? Wow.
Just sex? Okay.
Have a good night.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay! - Fuck you.
- You know what? Go blow on the cartridges, because that really works, Keith.
Yeah, I'll give you something to blow on.
Oh, fuck! My arm.
Ah, there he is.
Come here.
Great to see you.
H-how long's it been? Weren weren't you here the night - that Dolly Parton was here? - Yeah, sure.
- Yeah! What a crazy night, right? - Oh, what a night.
Yeah, yeah.
Missed this place.
Can we get two classic Berger's Burgers, please? Sure.
Let's do this.
Oh, sorry.
No change for this.
Like I've ever wanted change.
Get the fuck out of here.
Thanks, pal.
- Yeah, no problem.
- Hey, come around.
- We miss you.
- Yeah, good to see you.
You really met Dolly Parton? Was she with Linda Ronstadt or Emmylou Harris? I-I'm a big trio fan.
She was rolling pretty deep.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
I mean, of course I know Dolly Parton.
Who do you think bought her those cans? I'm joking.
- Oh.
- God did.
Sometimes He does give with both hands.
Actually, it's my second-favorite night I've ever spent in here.
W-what was your first? Uh Uh I grew up in an orphanage not too far from here right around the corner, actually and the smell from this place would just go all throughout the neighborhood.
And o and one day, 1961, I ran in here.
I grabbed a burger right off the counter, and I'm thinking, "Oh, man, I'm gonna finally taste this thing I've been jacking it to all my life.
" But old man Berger, God rest his soul a lot faster than he looked.
- Hmm.
- Caught me.
He didn't, you know, beat my ass or call the cops or anything.
He gave me a job.
- What? - Yeah.
And that night, after my first hard day of work throwing out trash and mopping, sweeping, all of that, I cooked myself a burger back there.
- And God damn it - Best burger of your life? No, undercooked it.
Nearly prolapsed my anus.
But when I got out of the hospital the next night, I came back here, and Bergy cooked me a burger.
- And that motherfucking - I'm sorry, you you immediately came back and ate another burger? The point is, Blair, it was dope.
That's what Tiff doesn't get, 'cause she was born with money.
Oh, yeah, the whole jeans thing.
Yeah, yeah, and she wants to use her parents' money for everything.
- It's so annoying.
- Well Don't throw the whole baby out - with the bathwater.
Oh, look at this.
- Here you go.
- Let's dig in.
- Oh, thanks.
And so Reagan is cutting all of the funding for the arts.
I wish he would've thought of that before his movies.
I didn't hate the one with the monkey.
You know, Mom, now that I'm a partner, I could talk to the firm about maybe funding an endowment opportunity.
Speaking of opportunities, I actually have one for you guys.
Maybe make some easy money.
Ooh, my favorite kind.
Mine is the rupee.
It's an Indian currency.
It's a fun word, too rupee.
Yeah, well, all you'd have to do is just hold some shares for us for a few months, and then, you know, when we take them back, you'd get a nice payday.
Uh, no, thank you, baby.
I don't know, Ruth.
Uh, things are kind of tight right now.
We don't need any charity, Walt.
You're about to make tenure, and as I mentioned, all my pieces from my Power Gallery show sold out.
Mom, this isn't charity.
You'd actually be earning the money.
This helps me, and it's real money.
Real money is honest money, okay? I don't get it.
You just said you were proud of me.
No, I said I was happy for you.
Not proud.
What happened to "this is the '80s, a woman can be whatever she wants"? That's the point.
You can.
So why would you choose to be a crook? "Hold shares.
" Come on.
I'm not dumb, and neither are you.
You are a brilliant, thoughtful woman.
Make something besides just money for yourself.
- Yummy.
- It's not your fault that we put you in that private school with all those rich white kids.
But now you're a you're a yuppie.
No, Mom, actually, I am a buppie.
And you know what? I'm proud of it.
Because all of our hippie parents fuck Messed everything up.
Why do you think your neighborhood is so bad now? Hmm? Money is the answer.
Not protesting or painting porn.
Dawn, don't bring your mother's porno into this.
I think it's tasteful and arousing.
Baby, why don't you just calm down? Don't tell me what to do.
And you're drunk, and you have surgery in the morning! You know what? I can do what I want.
And if I want to be a barren robber baron, then so be it.
Most of the time, I just walk around that office feeling like one of the chickens my dad used to make me cut the head off of.
Oh, my God, how many dad stories are we gonna have to listen to? Oh, I'm sorry, I have a dad.
And you don't.
But seriously, how do you guys get it done? I just don't feel like there's enough hours in the day.
I'm dead serious.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, watch and learn.
- Should I try some? - I don't think so.
No, you don't want to do this.
You can't handle this.
Forget it.
Uh, you don't know what I can handle.
I feel more successful already.
You little coke whore.
Scarface! Okay, Bobby, boy.
Say hello to Vanessa, the family Thanks! And off we go.
- - Thank you.
- After you.
- Have a good day.
Yeah, you too.
Who's Bobby? And who's Vanessa? Who cares? Shout, shout Let it all out These are the things I can do without Come on I'm talking to you Come on Shout, shout Let it all out These are the things I can do without Come on I'm talking to you Come on In violent times You shouldn't have to sell your soul In black and white They really, really ought to know Those one-track minds That took you for a working boy Kiss them good-bye You shouldn't have to jump for joy Oh, God.
The moon is so much brighter when you're on cocaine.
Yeah, that's the sun, Blair.
Okay, well, I'm late for Jew church.
Why don't you try to get some rest? Thank you.
Thank you.
That was that was a great that was a great night.
- Yeah, it was a great night.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Oh, um, uh may may I have a promotion, please? Um, uh, for the following reasons One, I'm a very hard worker.
B, the algorithm, at this You know what? Yeah.
Why not? I dub thee promoted.
Fuck it.
Yeah? - Thank you.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You have a good night.
- Yeah, you too, you too.
- Oh, hey, wait a minute.
I forgot.
I got to give this to you.
All right, take it easy.
Shout, let it all out Tiff, have you ever had sex with a guy with a huge promoti What? What the fuck did you do? Before you spaz out, check out how cool this is.
Ah! We talked about this.
You know how it makes me feel when you y-y-you take things from your parents that I should be providing.
- I asked you to not - You know what? No.
- I am so done.
- Take my dick and put it in the trash compactor.
- That's what you want to do - Cannot hear you.
Just call your parents and have them come over.
Make your dad come over.
He can take my dick and put it in the trash compactor.
You know what? Stop being such a puss 'cause my dad has money.
You know what? Fuck your dad.
I would rather fuck my father! - No shit! - My mom, too.
She could finger me with more gusto! Great! All the fingers in the world aren't gonna satisfy you! Way to go, Brad.
Looking great.
Where you been, Kookoo? Just getting the Nintendo, Shushu from the office.
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe we can, you know, sign these papers? You listen to me, Keith.
You're going to prison.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably for the rest of your life.
And I'm not gonna allow you to take me and our beautiful family down with you.
Eat shit! Sorry.
Great job there.
We're so proud of you.
Mommy and Daddy love you so much.
- Love you so much.
So much.
- So much.
Hey, look who it is.
The big man.
Doc Gooden's been in the bathroom for, like, 45 minutes! Is Mr.
Met gonna make it? - I told everyone he'd be here.
- Well, guess what.
Tell your friends they got to be disappointed, okay? 'Cause Mr.
Met ain't coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Mr.
Met! He came.
He came! I'd know those legs anywhere.
That's a weird thing to say.
Isn't his giant baseball head kind of his calling card? Yeah, shh, shh, shh.
I only wanted someone Looking good, Mr.
Met! Whoo! Hey.
Hey! Uh great job out there.
Thanks for coming.
Look, want to know the real reason why I didn't let you park those shares? Because if something goes bad, you are the only person in my life that I can't live without.
Can you maybe take off the head? 'Cause I cannot gauge how any of this is landing.
If Shira won't take those shares, I will.
Why? 'Cause I would like to make enough money so I don't have to prance around for a bunch of spoiled brats in an off-brand Señor Met costume I got in Chinatown 'cause you couldn't get the real one to show up.
Come here, you.
Uh, blessed day.
Uh All right, go and enjoy the party.
Oh! A board game.
Okay, that's gonna pay for college.
Thank you.
Your cousins are a bunch of schnorrers.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Very sweet.
You guys get rid of your shares? Yep.
Could not have been a simpler process.
Totally remembered to do that.
Who'd you go with? What's this? - That's my kid.
- I know.
Mazel titties.
Excuse me.
Hey, Mo.
Hey, guys.
Um, so I came here to tell you two things.
One and this might be the cocaine talking, but can we get some more cocaine? And two I broke up with Tiff.
I broke up with Tiff! Is this a child wedding?