Black Monday (2019) s01e05 Episode Script


1 [ LIGHT SYNTH MUSIC ] [ SINGERS HARMONIZING ] It's Showtime tonight [BLAIR] Previously on Black Monday You know, Len, I think I know what Mo's up to.
- The Georgina play? - The Georgina play? We don't have that kind of cash! [MO] I will fucking borrow it, Dawn.
[DAWN] You named the place the Jammer Group, and nobody knows why! [MO] You did such a great job at getting them back together.
What about us? [MAN CLEARS THROAT] Hi, everyone, I'm Alvin Rudnick, uh, from Steinsteen and Associates.
General counsel for the Jammer Group.
Uh, Maurice asked me to come here today to give you all a, um, brief course in the do's and try-not-to-do's of sexual harassment.
Sexual harassment? It's a new posish, dumbass.
Right, Rudnick? All right, hit me with it.
I'm always trying to spruce up my fuck game.
Like, huh! Huh! Huh! Close.
Sexual harassment refers to unfair treatment of women in the workplace.
Now, the laws against it aren't new, but enforcement is.
More like her-ass-meant nothing to me.
[LAUGHTER] Score one for Rodney Dangertits.
More like Howie Mandela.
- Ooh! - Ooh! [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Hit 'em with the part about how you can't put the moves on or kiss or, you know, fall in love with any of the chicks in the office.
[ALVIN] That's not entirely accurate.
Now, obviously, you can say anything you want to a woman, but the rules on physical contact are a bit more restricted.
So hypothetically, let's say that one of you tomcats has caught a case of the fancies for one of the fine young fillies I see trotting their tail feathers around the office.
[MO] Hey, Al, me again.
I think people work better with specific hypotheticals.
So let's just say that one of the tomcats in the office is, I don't know, Blair.
Well, I'm engaged, so that doesn't make a ton of sense.
Uh, you'd be surprised how much fucking sense it could make, Blair.
And let's say that, I don't know, one of these fillies is, uh, Dawn, since she's the only chick we got here.
[ROSEMARIE CLEARS THROAT] [KEITH] Uh, yeah, Rosemarie has a point.
Do these rules apply to a woman of her, you know, decrepitude? Sexual harassment applies to all women - [GROANS] - Who are attractive - Okay.
- And of childbearing age.
In fact, the smoke show clause stipulates that there are 11 types - What? - What? What? I just want everybody to have a safe work environment.
So this has absolutely nothing to do with why you've been acting so fucking weird - since the Manhattan Pageant? - I don't think I've been acting weird.
I think you've been acting weird 'cause I didn't show up at Cedar Tavern.
Well, I didn't show up either.
So why would I be pissed that I have no idea - whether you showed up or not? - I don't know.
- Okay.
- Okay.
A visual aid.
[CLEARS THROAT] - [ALVIN] This is Dum-Dum.
- Show us your tits! [LAUGHTER] So we agree.
Nobody showed up at Cedar Tavern, so nobody's acting weird.
And this seminar is just about respect.
Yes, and Wayne is really respecting the fuck out of that doll.
Yo, Alvy, is this kosher? [MAN] Oh-ho! [ PERCUSSIVE MUSIC ] Obviously, everyone, that was right on the line.
- [DAWN] Hi.
- SlimFast? - Oh, yeah.
But not fast enough for Tiff.
She's kept me on a strict wedding diet of, uh, maltodextrin, carrageenan, and phosphates.
- Yum.
[LAUGHS] - Mmm, science.
Hey, was it just me, or was that meeting really odd? I know, right? It sucks.
I mean, soon, we're not even gonna be able to flirt.
Not you and me.
I mean in the workplace.
Yeah, no, not with not us.
- No.
- No.
Um, no, but I was talking about Mo.
Does he know about us at the Cedar Tavern? No.
No, I mean, what is there to know? I mean, it was just a drunken accident, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it was just a-a drunken accident.
- Like my little brother.
- Ah.
You kissed your brother too? [LAUGHS] Uh, no, no, my my parents thought they were done having kids, and then they were using the rhythm method and - Somebody got off beat.
- Exactly.
Well, I'm gonna go eat this.
[LAUGHS] Nice.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] [MAN] You Maurice Monroe? - What the hell is this? - You'll see.
[PHONE RINGING] [MACHINE BEEPS] Nice! Is that a new fax machine? The Baud rates on these are insane.
[MO] No.
LA number? Holy shit: "For legal reasons, this is not Michael Milken cordially not inviting you and a guest to Los Angeles for the seventh annual not-Predator's Ball.
" [LAUGHS] Is that what I think it is? I'm legitimately asking that question because I-I did not understand the invitation.
Y-yeah, it's a not-invitation, but yeah! - That's what it is! - Oh, yes! I gotta go.
- Yes! - Whoo! Right? - Whoo! - What are you chicks squealing about? Well, we were just not invited to the Predator's Ball.
- What? This is crazy! - Right? [YASSIR] This is exciting.
I know, but Wayne doesn't know.
What's the Predator's Ball? Well, it's only the only networking event for the crème de la crème, not hosted by Michael "2 percent" Milken! - [LAUGHS] - Oh, my God.
This guy is like the Willy Wonka of money! He's a matchmaker he connects money to people that need it at the most exclusive party in the world.
Like the Illuminati, but less butt stuff.
- Oh, I get that.
- LA, here we come.
Cowabunga, dudes.
You're not going.
I'm taking Dawn.
- You are? - You are? I'm sorry.
I know, Keith.
We dreamed about this for years, right? But my inside guy at the SEC said that they had a couple of real bitch scouts and they're coming down really hard on everybody on the street.
That's why Milken and Bosky and everyone's being so cautious, so I need you to stay back and throw a little party of your own this weekend, okay, a shred party.
So the SEC hires two chicks and now I gotta work this weekend? Don't think about it as work.
You're gonna be the boss.
Okay, of the whole place.
Includin' Blair.
Yeah, but you said he's untouchable.
He's getting a pube too big for his briefs, and I know just the guy to take him down.
You know what? Take this.
Stick it in your tie.
It's gonna drive him crazy.
[LAUGHS] All right! Listen up, motherfuckers! Keith is your god now! Hi! [ UPBEAT MUSIC ] [DAWN] Hey, what's wrong with you? You've been acting weird all day.
- Are you nervous? - Huh? No.
I'm not nervous.
I just forgot how much LA bums me out.
They should be nervous.
So should you.
Yeah, got a lot riding on this, okay? We need a lot of fucking cash, and this is the place we can get it.
Everybody needs cash.
I'm saying we finally got a shot to play with the big boys, okay? We gotta stay sharp.
Hey, I spent the whole plane ride working while you joined the mile try club.
- [SCOFFS] - Talking about? - Those stewardesses were deaf.
- They heard you.
Look, what I'm saying is, this weekend is not about work, okay? It's gonna be unlike anything you've ever seen before.
You have no idea what you're walking into.
It's imagine a party thrown by Motley Crue getting crashed by 2 Live Crew with a bunch of guys who rowed crew wearing J.
Wow, how long did it take you to come up with that? Well, we sat on that tarmac about an hour, so, like, seven hours.
Mo, truce, okay? Now, come on, if we're gonna do this, we gotta work together.
What do you always say? The Police Academy trilogy is better than the Star Wars trilogy.
No, the other thing.
- Fuck 'em all.
- Fuck 'em all.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC ] [BLAIR] Hey, Tiff, so slight change of plans.
Are you coming home earlier? 'Cause I want to beat Hamptons traffic, and also, I was thinking, we could take a ride before the ride if you catch my drift.
Why, do you need to grab something before we go? No, I'm talking about doing it.
God! It's been so long, you can't even catch my drift anymore.
No, no, no, no, no, no, I got it.
But I-I no, sadly, uh, we all have to work late tonight to do compliance.
- You mean a document shred? - Yeah, how'd you know that? Duh, my family's loaded.
Look, Blair, we need this weekend, okay? Just just tell 'em that you can't stay.
Tiff, it doesn't really work that way.
But, uh, but look, I will make it up to you.
I'm sorry, we will leave first thing tomorrow, okay? I love you.
I love you.
Tiffany? - Tiff, are you there? - [VIBRATOR BUZZING] Okay, fellas, I know this is a lot to shred tonight, but I feel like if we all work together, we can be done by midnight, so what do you say we, uh, we toss in for some din-din, huh? Huh? Pick a menu, any menu.
Or we could live dangerously and play a little takeout roulette, huh, what do you say? Oh, no, no, no.
We're doing Thai.
[WHEEZES] - Wait, is that my tie pin? - Not anymore, asshole.
Mo gave it to me, 'cause we're best friends.
All right, come on, everybody.
Thai toots on Keith.
See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya.
- Did I just come up with that? - Nope.
Fucking animals.
[ "BLUE MONDAY" CONTINUES ] [MO] What the fuck? Mr.
[DAWN] Ooh, the Yankees are Uh [MAN MOANS] [GASPS LOUDLY] Welcome! I'm Not Michael Milken.
And this is not the Predator's Ball! [LAUGHS] You must be Dawn and Maurice.
I know because you're our first blacks! And you are our first woman.
Aside from the pros.
- [NOT MILKEN GIGGLES] - Thank you? [NOT MILKEN] Have fun! Enjoy yourself! Try not to die! [ECHOING] Die! Die! Die! Die! How does it feel - To treat me like you do - [MACHINE WHIRRING] When you've laid your hands upon me And told me who you are? Thought I was mistaken [BLAIR] What the fuck? Georgina? I thought I'd heard your words - Oh.
- Tell me how do I feel? Tell me now how do I feel? [DAWN] Hold on.
Hold on.
I got him! Damn it.
Lived through their vocations From the past until completion Come on, now! [MO] That's it! Watch it! Oh! Come on! Where are they? - Ah! - Ah! Get down! [MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] Whoo! - [SCREAMS] - [DAWN LAUGHING] No, I mean, you really dominated the whole, like, American Gladiators jousting.
I know I did; you know, I dated Gemini for a minute.
You know, until he 'roided his balls into raisins.
And he was a Leo, I'm a Cancer, so we were incompatible.
Of course, I'm a cancer in every relationship.
I'm glad you said it.
[BOTH LAUGH] - Well, this is me.
- Yep.
That's me.
This is you.
Um What do you want to do, I mean you want to call it, or [ ETHEREAL MUSIC ] I could always do one more.
Oh, yeah, you proved that.
[BOTH LAUGH] Big day, Mo.
[SIGHS] It's a fucking huge day.
- We need this money bad, kid.
- You keep saying that.
What is it you're not telling me? - Well, you know, I'm - Huh? What? Look, after the Yakuza almost took my finger, they kind of freaked out and made me give them a small percentage of the Jammer Group as collateral.
- Just collateral.
- Wait, wait.
How much? It's not it doesn't it's 30 percent.
But it's collateral.
It doesn't matter.
- Where were we? - We were where we always are.
You not telling me shit.
I just fuckin' told you, Dawn, would you chill? We get the money back when we catch up on the payments.
It's like a pawn shop.
I thought we agreed, now that we're partners, that you'd be fucking honest with me - I thought the same thing.
- And I'd be honest with you! - With each other! - Exactly.
Until somebody lied about showing up at Cedar Tavern.
And how would you know I was there unless you were there? Uh, because I know how women work.
I know women stuff, I have amazing women's intuition.
That's not how that works! [SCOFFS] [PHONE RINGING] [PHONE BEEPS] - Hello, Jammer Group.
- [TIFF] Blair? What the fuck? You didn't come home last night.
- What about the Hamptons? - [SIGHS] Well, I'm I'm sorry, Keith and the guys sort of ditched me with all of the shredding.
Why do you let them bully you? [BLAIR] Tiffany, they're not bullying me, okay? Although I guess he did sort of take my lunch money.
Okay, you need to stand up for yourself.
Tiffany, I know you don't have a lot of work experience, but there is a chain of command that needs to be respected.
[TIFF] Okay.
So you ruin our romantic weekend, but it's my fault 'cause I'm some rich girl who never worked, just because I'm a rich girl who never worked? - Unlike your precious Dawn.
- What? What? I don't no, no.
I do not have feelings for Dawn, all right? I explained this to you, I even I even showed you that episode of Hogan's Heroes.
I'm sorry.
I will make this up to you.
Have your dad get us the most un-gettable reservation tonight, okay? And then afterwards, we're gonna go home, and I'm gonna twist you into a hot pretzel and inject you with my nacho ch - I'm sorry, that was really - Yuck.
- My my first attempt at - Pick me up at eight.
- [PHONE BELL RESOUNDING] - [SIGHS] [SIGHS] [VIBRATOR BUZZING] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] [ MELLOW MUSIC ] - You ready? - Why don't you give her 30 percent of the company? - She's looking at me.
- Oh, really? Her butt cheeks have fucking eyes now? No, fucking eyes.
She looked at me.
It's impolite not to look back.
[NOT MILKEN #2] Maurice! Dawny! What a wild night, huh? Who are you? Well, Not Michael Milken.
I thought we didn't meet Milken yesterday.
Or didn't you? Not? [CHUCKLES] So, are you guys ready to meet your monetary mystery date? - Yeah.
That's why we're here.
- Yeah.
All right.
After you.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC ] Thank you.
[LAUGHS] It's a shidduch.
- Oh, here we go.
- Oh.
[MO] Is "shidduch" Jew talk for "shit show"? I thought this was a conference for investors, not incestors.
- We will sue you.
- That is slander! - That is slanderous! - We will sue you.
Yeah, nothing personal, but I can't stand these evil Twinkies.
Well, the feeling is mutual.
Yeah, we both have that, uh, same feeling.
But I personally "Motel-the-Tailored" this match specifically for both of your two firms.
Come on! This thing is bashert! Listen, I, for one, would like to hear him out, but maybe in English? What's the point? The Leighmans would never make a deal that didn't fuck me over.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's right.
And ditto.
So, uh, next.
[NOT MILKEN #2] Maurice, wait a second.
There there is no next.
What do you mean, there's no next? This place is fuckin' lousy with rich white guys who don't come in pairs.
Or each other.
- We can hear you! - [MO] That's why I said it! Look, this is all we have for the Jammer Group.
There's not a lot of deals that make sense for a firm with your reputation.
Reputation? This is the best thing for everybody.
- Oh, this bullshit, huh? - Mo.
- What? - What do you mean, what? The only reason we're here is 'cause they need a sucker, Dawn.
Look around.
One of these things is not like the brother.
Come on, Dawn, please, help me out.
- What do you mean, "Dawn"? - Dawn.
Your partner.
Mo, let's put emotions aside.
Let's hear him out.
We came all the way out here to make this deal.
All the way to sunny California, where I always get burned.
Trust me, Dawn, they are going to fuck us, okay? Now, whether you can see it or not, I can.
Well, I see a deal to be made.
That's what I see.
Isn't that why you brought me here? No! I brought you here so that you wouldn't try to give it up to half the office.
No, that's it, we're out.
[NOT MILKEN #2 SIGHS] What a shonda.
It wasn't half the office, it was one guy, and it was just a kiss, I mean, except Mo.
Which I did everything except The Leighmans need to get into the takeover game without besmirching their good name.
You guys need cash, right? That's it.
That's the deal.
Dawn, you are a partner, am I right? I don't know how they do their milk here, but I love it.
It's all about the cows.
Mo's letting his emotions get in the way of business.
He hates you, you hate him.
I hate that I love your outfits.
Brooks Brothers, personal friends.
We met at the Twinternationals.
But we all love money.
[LAUGHS] [IMITATES LAUGH] The only thing that Mo has ever been right about Is that we would never do a deal that doesn't fuck him like a brother.
What? And to clarify, I meant that in a purely racist way, not in the "brother sex" way.
What, why would anybody jump to that, Lare? - Nobody's jumping to that.
- Just double-checking.
- I did, kinda.
- She knows what racist is.
She's black.
Don't worry.
I know you're racist.
- Thank you.
- I just meant that we wouldn't do a deal that wouldn't screw Mo.
Who says that's off the table? [ UPBEAT MUSIC ] [HORNS HONKING] [PHONE RINGING] [WOMAN] You've reached the Jammer Group.
- We're not here.
Our reservation was an hour ago.
I am going to count to three.
Oh, my God, you are fucked.
Two and a half! Hey, kitty cat.
So, good news, bad news.
Um, I finally got rid of that tie you hated, but it kind of broke the shredder in the proc [ DRAMATIC MUSIC ] Ow! Fuck! That smarts.
Hello, I'm, uh, here to see a patient.
- Rod Jaminski? - How'd you know? We only have one patient.
Follow me.
[SIGHS] Hey, Jammer.
Blair! [TIFF] Blair! Tiffany? [BLAIR] Look, before you start screaming Over here, boys! This is an industrial textile decimator.
Daddy uses it to keep surplus inventory from falling into the hands of the homeless.
"Tiffany, nothing ruins a brand faster than seeing it on a bum.
" I'm sorry I ruined our weekend.
It's not about that.
Blair, I am obsessed with you.
And when I see you getting pushed around, it makes me literally insane.
Well, from now on, no one's pushing me around.
- Except for you.
- Ooh.
You can push my ass around.
- Tight little bottom.
- Yeah, my tight bottom.
Oh, you want to shred it, Mommy? Oh, yeah.
Do it.
- You like that? - Yeah.
- You like that? - [DECIMATOR WHIRS] Oh! My God.
Bottom line: These hostile takeovers throw off 10 X.
You can't get that leverage anywhere in your outdated sectors.
So what do you guys say? Are you gonna let emotions get in the way of business? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Really, you're in? - No, yes.
We're gonna let emotions get in the way.
Look, Dawn, we've known you a long time.
You're a smart woman.
Which we would normally find repulsive.
But we'd be willing to overlook that for money.
- Good.
- What we can't overlook is our evergreen hatred for Mo.
I thought you claimed this deal would fuck him over.
More than you can ever dream.
Because once this deal is done, I'm done.
I'm leaving the Jammer Group.
- Why? - Mo's unhinged.
He pawned a percentage of our company to the Yakuza without even telling me.
I'm gonna do these last few deals, get my cut, and walk.
Without me, Mo's done.
Six months, tops.
He'll be broke, in jail, dead, or all three.
So what do you guys say, huh? [SIGHS] You want to take Mo off the board and make a mint while doing it? Uh You know, it's been a while since I've been back, and I don't want to hear any shit about it, okay? I-I did my time in Cali.
You did too.
I'm trying the Georgina Play.
Going for it.
Just like we always dreamed about.
I mean, it should be the rush of my life, right? But I'm I'm distracted.
I keep losing focus.
Over a woman.
I mean, I-I don't know what to fucking do, Jammer.
You're alive.
I thought you were fully fucking Von Bulow'd.
Take my watch off and read me the inscription on the back.
I know what it says, Jammer.
Well, then, don't be an asshole.
Take it off and read it.
[SIGHS] Boy.
Oh, look at that.
It says "fuck 'em all.
" Fuck 'em all.
I lived my whole life like that.
Money over everything and everyone.
And look where I am now.
Uh, well, hold on a second.
I'm confused.
Are you telling me that after all these years, now you're saying money doesn't matter, that it's all about love? You're dumb.
That's it, I just figured out, you're fuckin' dumb.
I meant look where I am now.
The best medical facility on the fuckin' planet.
I bought the whole goddamn place, got rid of everybody, and I got the best medical technology, which may make me live forever.
Everything I am, was, will be is about money.
Love I thought you'd learned your lesson after Connie.
No one gives a shit about you.
- Except - Me.
Peggy! I think it's Penny.
Penny! Call Reynolds and Eloise and cancel poker night.
And then call Hefner and tell him to rain-check Ms.
September through November.
Tell him it's a family emergency.
Got it.
Now, you, you know what you can do? Get us a case of whiskey older than I am.
And you and I will drink this pathetic bitch out of your head.
Sounds like a plan.
What the fuck was I thinking about? That was cool.
You just touched me and you meant it.
I love that.
Thank you, Jammer.
I'm gonna be right back.
Tell me the truth.
I'm the first visitor he's had in months, right? Years.
All right, thanks.
- Mo, you listen.
Now, I somehow tricked the Leighmans into giving us an ass load of capital with shitty terms for them, - and I know what you're gonna say.
- Do it.
- Wait, really? - Dawn, you're my partner.
All right, and I'm sorry if I haven't always treated you that way.
You you deserve better.
- You feel all right? - [MO] No, I mean it.
I trust you.
And I hope someday you'll be able to trust me again.
If you think this deal works, I want you to go ahead and do it.
Thank you.
[PHONE BEEPS] Mazel, Dawny, you did it! Let me guess.
You're Not Milken too.
Actually, I'm Not Milken Three, but the truth is, Milken is more of an idea than a man.
He's in all of us.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- We appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
Think he bought it? Oh, wow, what accent are you doing? I don't know.
I thought it was European.
Swedish vampire.
Fuck! Someone must've tipped them off we're coming.
- This is confetti.
- Then we're fucked.
Let's just go back to the office.
No, no, no, no, no.
We'll just, we'll put it back together.
You know, we'll do the work.
No shortcuts.
You know if we go back empty-handed, the guys are gonna call us the SEC-you-next-Tuesdays again.
That's gonna take forever! No.
We gotta get some dirt on one of these guys and blackmail the motherfucker like some real SEC-you-next-Tuesday Have a good one! - [ALL] Bye! - [ELEVATOR DINGS] Thank you for your garbage! Whoa! Where do you think you're going, bitch boy? - Home.
I finished.
- [SCOFFS] Bullshit.
How'd you finish that? Show me, pantywaist.
- No.
- No? I'm your boss.
I command you.
Your days of bullying me for no reason are over.
- All right? - You're the reason I got fired.
You're gay.
I know you're gay.
Ty told me.
Ty told me everything.
I don't want to use that information against you, but if you don't stop fucking with me, I will tell everyone, and I'll start with your family.
Maybe your kids first.
That seem right? I'm gay? That's fucking rich, coming from you.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ] What? Basura.
Dawn filled our bank! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - What's up, Dawn? - Ah! [LAUGHS] [WOMAN] Hey, Dawn! Yes! [MAN] Whoo! Thank you, fellas! [ UPLIFTING MUSIC ] - Hey.
- Hey.
I just wanted to say thanks again.
- Partner.
- [BOTH LAUGH] Look, I gotta be honest with you, okay, I, um I did show up at Cedar Tavern.
For you.
But, uh, then I saw Blair and you know.
- And I went for you.
- Mm.
But when you didn't show up, it just reminded me of all the times you let me down, and so I got drunk and stupid.
- But - Boss, we got a problem.
Why didn't you deliver the money? The Yakuza wouldn't take it.
The fuck are you talking about? They said someone bought our debt.
Monroe? Call on line two.
- Yeah? - [LARRY] Mo Money! Len and Lare here.
How's tricks? [LENNY] 'Cause we got one for you.
While you were focused on getting us to invest in your tiny takeovers, we went and acquired 30 percent of the Jammer Group.
[LARRY] Pretty reckless of you to use company shares as collateral with a violent crime syndicate! [LENNY] Oopsie.
Dawn let it slip.
[LARRY] And then we went and bought them off.
[LENNY] Anyhoo, just make sure those dividend checks are on time, shithead.
[LARRY] You know what? I'm thinking we should change our names to the Leighman Brothas.
How the fuck could you be so fucking stupid? Get out of my office, Dawn.