Blackadder s00e08 Episode Script
Clown Court bloopers (with Noel Edmonds)
est individual that has ever appeared in this court.
Hello mr.
E.
- Name? - Baldrick, your honour.
- First name? - Drop dead.
I beg your pardon? That's my first name.
I think it is anyway, 'cause when people see me, they shout out: "Drop dead, Baldrick!" Very well, mr.
D.
Baldrick, you stand accused of great stupidity.
Thank you, your honour.
I can't tell you what it is unless you want me to tell you and you told me you didn't want me to tell you and () thatwaswrong and Ibegyourpardon and We must leave at once.
The shadows lenghten and we have a long and arduous journey ahead of us.
Farewell, dear master, and dare I say, friend? Farewell, brave liberator, and, dare I say it: butler? I can't get through the () door.
Not an impressive start I'm sure you'll agree.
What's worse it seems to have rubbed off on your master and made him stupid too.
Oh god Oh god could I start again? He's dead, sir.
- Dead? - Yes, your higness.
Ah what bad luck.
We were rather getting on.
We must move at once.
In which direction? Sir Gerald represents sir Gerald, he's not sir Gerald.
- Sir Gerald?? He actually was meant to be here.
Do you have any explanation as to why he was failed to appear? No, your honour, but he did give me this note.
Ah good.
Read it.
You can't read, can you? Well not as such your honour, but I can sing "Mary had a little lamb", with some extremely amusing naughty lyrics.
Pass the note over will you? "From Edmund Blackadder to lord chief justice Edmonds.
Dear sir, the reason I cannot be present is because I've got far better things to do with my time then turn up at your stupid court you overdressed beardy-weardy.
" I'd look more impressed if he didn't waste so much of other people's time.
Crisis, Baldrick, crisis! No marriage, no money, and more bills.
For the first time in my life, I've decided to follow a Oh () how do I put this on? Crisis, Baldrick, crisis! No marriage, no money, and more bills.
For the first time in my life, I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours.
What do you make of that? I don't know your honour.
But mr.
B.
does say it's very difficult to get things right when I'm around because of the fetid smell of boneheaded stupidity.
So are you to blame for this as well? Enter! Doctor Johnson, your highness.
Ah, doctor Johnson.
Damn cold day! Indeed it is sir, but a very fine one.
For I celebrated last night the - What? - I can't remember.
Yes, that is my fault your honour.
Think about it, I mean: The cleverest man in the whole of England thinks he's coming to visit the prince of Wales, and when he knocks at the door, it's opened by a dung ball in trousers.
Merry christmas VT! Murder, murder, murder! Murder oh, shit door away! Do you have anything to say before your sentence? No I don't your honour.
But mr.
Blackadder did ask me to give you a special message.
Which is? "Show the little git no mercy, death penalty is too good for this cauliflower craniumed creep.
" Excellent, I shall take his advice.
Mr.
D.
Baldrick of 17, Rubbish Way, London, I condemn you to death.
Thank you very much your honour, it's too good for me.
Hello mr.
E.
- Name? - Baldrick, your honour.
- First name? - Drop dead.
I beg your pardon? That's my first name.
I think it is anyway, 'cause when people see me, they shout out: "Drop dead, Baldrick!" Very well, mr.
D.
Baldrick, you stand accused of great stupidity.
Thank you, your honour.
I can't tell you what it is unless you want me to tell you and you told me you didn't want me to tell you and () thatwaswrong and Ibegyourpardon and We must leave at once.
The shadows lenghten and we have a long and arduous journey ahead of us.
Farewell, dear master, and dare I say, friend? Farewell, brave liberator, and, dare I say it: butler? I can't get through the () door.
Not an impressive start I'm sure you'll agree.
What's worse it seems to have rubbed off on your master and made him stupid too.
Oh god Oh god could I start again? He's dead, sir.
- Dead? - Yes, your higness.
Ah what bad luck.
We were rather getting on.
We must move at once.
In which direction? Sir Gerald represents sir Gerald, he's not sir Gerald.
- Sir Gerald?? He actually was meant to be here.
Do you have any explanation as to why he was failed to appear? No, your honour, but he did give me this note.
Ah good.
Read it.
You can't read, can you? Well not as such your honour, but I can sing "Mary had a little lamb", with some extremely amusing naughty lyrics.
Pass the note over will you? "From Edmund Blackadder to lord chief justice Edmonds.
Dear sir, the reason I cannot be present is because I've got far better things to do with my time then turn up at your stupid court you overdressed beardy-weardy.
" I'd look more impressed if he didn't waste so much of other people's time.
Crisis, Baldrick, crisis! No marriage, no money, and more bills.
For the first time in my life, I've decided to follow a Oh () how do I put this on? Crisis, Baldrick, crisis! No marriage, no money, and more bills.
For the first time in my life, I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours.
What do you make of that? I don't know your honour.
But mr.
B.
does say it's very difficult to get things right when I'm around because of the fetid smell of boneheaded stupidity.
So are you to blame for this as well? Enter! Doctor Johnson, your highness.
Ah, doctor Johnson.
Damn cold day! Indeed it is sir, but a very fine one.
For I celebrated last night the - What? - I can't remember.
Yes, that is my fault your honour.
Think about it, I mean: The cleverest man in the whole of England thinks he's coming to visit the prince of Wales, and when he knocks at the door, it's opened by a dung ball in trousers.
Merry christmas VT! Murder, murder, murder! Murder oh, shit door away! Do you have anything to say before your sentence? No I don't your honour.
But mr.
Blackadder did ask me to give you a special message.
Which is? "Show the little git no mercy, death penalty is too good for this cauliflower craniumed creep.
" Excellent, I shall take his advice.
Mr.
D.
Baldrick of 17, Rubbish Way, London, I condemn you to death.
Thank you very much your honour, it's too good for me.