Blackadder s01e00 Episode Script

Unaired Pilot

1 The warriors return, but the war is still not won.
- Those Spaniards are just warmongers, aren't they? - Yes.
If only we could stop fighting the Spanish, we might have some time to fight the French.
Problems, problems, hey Father? Where is young Edmund? He's organising the entertainment for the party tonight.
He seemed to do it so well last year.
Ah good, that should keep him out of mischief for a while.
I never know what that boy gets up to.
I do hope we get the morris dancers again this year.
I must say I love them.
Don't you find them a little boisterous? Oh no, no I love a good dance.
Did you enjoy the morris dancers last year father? - Hmmm? - The morris dancers in mother's birthday celebrations.
Yes.
- Now I enjoyed the eunuchs.
- Ah yes, the eunuchs, wonderful stuff.
I believe that Edmund was thinking of placing them top of the bill.
Oh good, oh I do like them.
I think I like them most of all.
- My dear, you will be ready to greet lord McAngus, won't you? - Yes.
What's father giving you for a present, mama? -Ah.
Now it's something rather nice.
- Oh, now let me guess.
- Horses? - No.
- A coach perhaps? - No.
- Jewelry, gold, silver, or something? - No, no, no.
- Alright, I give in.
- Shropshire.
How delightful.
I know, I've always wanted Shropshire, it's a lovely county.
Now I must get ready.
Come.
I have a message for prince Edmund, your majesty.
I think you'll find him in his rooms, Rudkin.
Oh and your highness, mylord Thomas says the problem that you spoke of earlier has now been solved.
Oh that's wonderful news, thank you very much indeed.
I wonder which problem that was? The eunuchs have cancelled.
- Oh dear.
- Ha.
I should have known, never trust a eunuch.
What are we going to do? The queen will be most disappointed.
Well I know what I'm going to do.
Give me an execution order.
My lord, are you sure? I'm going to teach them a lesson they'll never forget.
Perhaps we should just have paid them the money.
Money? They asked for a small payment, my lord.
They would have to come from Chester to be here for the birthday tonight.
Now look, let's ma'ke one thing clear.
This is a royal command performance.
There are only two options: either you do it or you don't do it.
If you do it, you don't get paid.
If you don't do it, you get beheaded.
It's that simple.
And these damned eunuchs aren't going to get away with it.
I'm going to remove whatever extraneous parts of their body still remain.
- Baldrick, take that to the lord Chamberlain.
- Yes, my lord.
Now, who else have we got? Well, there's the Jumping Jesuits, my lord.
- And what do they do? - They jump, my lord.
What? Well they come in and theythey jump a lot my lord.
It's a humorous act.
Ha, I'd like to see them make me laugh.
Is there nothing else? Jerry Merryweather and his four chickens.
What do they do, lay eggs? - Yes, my lord.
And then there's the morris dancers of course.
Now look, we're not having them.
Morris dancing is the most despicable, fatuous, 10th rate entertainment I've ever seen.
A load of effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of white cloth they've been wiping their noses on.
It's a positive health hazard.
Go away! Hello Edmund.
Everything all right for tonight? Ooohso so.
Well, I'm looking forward to the morris dancers, I must say.
- Yes, aren't we all.
- Splendid.
Wincing bastard.
If only he were, my lord.
- What? - If only he were a bastard, my lord, then one day you would be king.
Yes, I would be king.
And then what? - You'd rule the world my lord.
- And that's only half of it.
It's just not fair, y'know.
Every other woman in the world has bastard sons, but not my mother.
Oh no, she's just so damn pure.
She daren't even look downwards, in case she notices her own breasts.
The injustice of it sears my heart to the core.
Oh, and you won't forget to come and meet this Scots chap, will you, Edmund? Thank you, no, I won't forget.
Jolly good.
Who is this damned Scotsman, anyway? His name is McAngus.
Hm.
Typical! He has won great victories apparently.
Oh, yes, that's what they all say.
They should be back here, fighting the peasants.
Particularly the Scottish peasants, half of them can't even speak English.
What do they speak? I don't know.
it's all Greek to me.
- They speak Greek? - No, I mean it sounds like Greek.
Well, if it sounds like Greek, it probably is Greek.
- It's not Greek! - But it sounds like Greek.
What's not Greek, but sounds like Greek? That's a good one, sir.
Look it's not meant to be a brain teaser Percy.
I'm simply telling you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying.
No wonder sir.
Well you've never learned Greek of course.
Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides look like? Sometimes, sir, yes.
Then I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiosity.
Now get out, both of you, and leave me to sort out this mincing rabble.
You won't forget about the Scotsman, my lord.
No I won't, go on out.
Oh but Baldrick.
- My lord? - You'd better go and get Bernard the Bear Baiter, looks like we'll be needing him.
- Certainly my lord.
And tell him to bring a bear this time.
The improvising last year was pathetic.
Did anyone tell my son Edmund about the arrival of the Scotsman? Yes father, I did.
Sorry I'm late.
I do wish people would remind me of these things.
Good day, Edmund.
Luckily the Scotsman has not yet arrived.
Huh, typical.
And how are the entertainments to be this year, Edmund? Ah, I'm afraid they're looking a little Spartan.
What, Greek? I'm afraid the eunuchs can't make it.
- Oh dear.
They are in Chester and dare not make the journey in this inclement weather, apparently.
No balls, that's their problem.
Yes, well spotted, Henry.
My liege.
Dougal McAngus places at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war.
Thank you, most noble knight.
More foreign rubbish cluttering up the castle.
You won a great victory.
All England praises you.
My lady.
This is Henry, my son, prince of Wales.
I am delighted to meet you.
Well done! - My lord! And my son Edmund, duke of York.
I'm sorry you could not join us in the fight your highness.
I hear you're a great swordsman.
Flattery will get you nowhere, I'm afraid.
But of course no swordsman is a true swordsman till proved in the heat of battle.
No doubt you've been back here fighting the war against poverty.
Well, I've been fighting the poor, if that's what you mean.
Fit action for a prince of the realm, I suppose.
Fitter for a minor Scottish lord, I'd have thought but you were away collecting carpets.
Enough of this friendly banter.
- McAngus.
- My lord.
You have served your country well, and must be rewarded.
Absolutely.
As you know, my son Edmund owns many lands in your native Scotland.
Aye, they are some of the finest and the most fertile.
So let me tell you what I have decided.
In recompense for your great service against the Spaniards, I have resolved to give to you those very lands till now administered by my son, to have and to treat as your own, the taxes collected from them to be yours.
- My lord.
- Sorry Could you say that again? - Did you not hear me Edmund? - No.
I'm giving all your lands in Scotland to McAngus.
- Anything you wish to say? - ErNo.
No, that's fine.
I mean, I think I've administered the land pretty well, but if you think that some bearded Gallic warthog, ought to be handed them on a platter for slaughtering a couple of syphilitic Spaniards, then that's fine by me, obviously.
Good.
McAngus, I wish you to accept these lands as my gift to you.
My lord, I'm deeply honoured.
Perhaps you'd care to join us for tonight's celebrations.
I would be delighted.
I hope your son recovers his good humour for tonight.
Oh, under all that bluster, he's a very forgiving soul.
- I'm going to kill him.
And I'm going to kill him now.
- How, my lord? Thieving Scots rat.
I’m going to stab him.
Where? - In the great hall, and in the bladder.
But if you stab him in front of everyone, won’t the finger of blame point rather firmly in your direction? I don’t care.
- I think your father likes McAngus, and if he suspected you had harmed him, he’d cut you off without a penny.
Ah yes.
Yes, perhaps you’re right.
Yes, we need something more cunning.
I have a cunning plan.
Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.
Mine’s pretty cunning, my lord.
Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.
Well, it depends how cunning you mean, sir.
Well, I mean pretty damn cunning, how cunning do you think I mean? Mine's quite cunning, my lord.
All right then, let's hear it, let's hear what is so damn cunning.
Well my lord, first you ask him to come with you.
Oh yes, very cunning, brilliantly cunning, I ask him to come with me, and then, and then stab him perhaps.
How cunning can you get? - No my lord, you get a cannon and - Oh I see, take him outside get him to stick his head down a cannon, then blow it off.
Oh yes, Baldrick, that's a wonderful idea.
Percy, give me your glove.
Open! Shut up! No, I think I may have a plan, that will give us a little more entertainment Come in.
What was that? They're slaughtering the swine, I think.
Is everything all right? I've put a nice warm bedpan in your bed.
Thank you, your majesty.
Oh, by the way, I met my father on the way home through France, he sends his kindest regards to you.
- Ah.
Have we met before? I believe so, yes.
The third Duke of Argyll.
Oh, yes, of course, yes.
I believe you two knew each other when you were younger.
I beg your pardon? Oh yes, we did.
Yes well I'm sorry, I have a lot to see to.
- If you will excuse me.
- Your majesty.
Bloody fool, what the hell do you think you're doing? I might ask you the same question your royal highness.
Well I was looking for a hand off with this helmet, wasn't I? When I heard you slime around my mother like some kilted anaconda, I didn't like to disturb in case I came between you and a dukedom.
I'd like to see you come between me and anything.
No, no, you're right, I'm sorry.
Besides, the the reason I'm here is is to ask a favour of you.
I was wondering if you'd like to help with the party tonight.
How? By staying away do you mean? No, no I thought I might devise a little loyal tribute to my mother in the form of a play, a drama or something.
And I was wondering if you'd like to partake at all.
Well I warn you, I'm no actor.
But aye, I'll help if you like.
Well, there shouldn't be much acting required.
The play is called "The death of the Scotsman".
You, you can play the Scotsman, who dies at the end of the play.
Now I'm very good at acting dead.
Now that I can do.
Well, as I say there, there may not be much acting required.
You fool, McAngus, what the devil do you think you're doing? I enjoy the juice of a few grapes, your highness.
Yes, I think a few vineyards have slipped down your gullet tonight.
How did it go? - It was alright.
I don't think they really understand it, you know.
Come on.
Let's go through your lines.
- Lines? What lines? O my god, if he doesn't do his part, the whole plan goes out the window.
You two, you'd better get out there and start the play.
I'll stay and get this animal awake.
Go on, off you go.
Oh and Baldrick, I wouldn't be too funny if I were you.
Today, fair Buttock, the birthday is, of that beloved and much sainted dame, who rules this land with queenly name.
Tis so, my lord.
The land is full of great rejoicing.
Aye, thou art aright, Buttock.
Aye, and a left one too, if truth be known! 'Tis true.
But look, here comes our noble prince.
Hail my lord, hast thou heard a Scotsman is about the town, who curses thy mother and calls thee a clown? - Yes, I have.
- My lord, it is he.
Hail to thee Scotsman.
Hail to thee, Scotsman, and when I say, "I am the prince and today the birthday is of my mother the queen", dost thou say, "I care not"? Aye, aye, aye Then I do challenge thee to a fight, and dost thou accept the challenge? Aye! Did you give him the trick sword? - Yes my lord.
- Ah Good.
Ah, I am dead, curses be upon thy head.
Take him away and let him be hung, as for me, my life is done.
To the gallows.
Now what are you doing? - Shut up and get off.
Now remember: I want him dead.
Whatever happens, kill him.
When we get to the hanging, the noose has a safety hook attached to McAngus' clothing.
You must remove it, and then he will hang like the rat that he is.
If he survives, you both die, tonight! Go on.
We must be sure this villain is well hung.
I care not if he is well hung, so long as he is hung well.
Mother seems to be enjoying it anyway.
I gave her a wee surprise this afternoon.
Oh yes? Today is going to be full of surprises.
I met my father on the way back through France, apparently, he and your mother used to whey hey Look, don't be absurd.
Such activities are totally beyond my mother.
My father only got anywhere with her, because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
If you think she's that pure, I've got news for you.
And I've got a noose for you.
I've got some letters I took from my father's the tent before I left.
They're from your mother, and by god they're hot stuff.
They certainly cast a wee shadow of doubt over the parenthood of young Henry for a start.
Look, don't be so absu What? - You heard.
Letters? Letters? Where are these letters? Where are they? Hold off, hold off, now what's the hurry? They're hidden away.
Is this the Scotsman coming hither? - 'scuse me, I'm on.
But where are these letters you speak of, where are they? Don't worry, don't worry, I'll show you them later, alright? All right.
Hurry up.
Thou hast committed the vilest crime, and now must die before thy time.
Prepare thy neck for the deadly rope, and forthwith abandon hope.
Here on earth they time is done.
By the laws of god thou art hung.
Stop the hanging.
I am the ghost of the dead prince, come to plead the mercy of the Scot.
The-the plea is noble, ghostly prince, but the law must have revenge.
No! No let him go! Fair Buttock, we must not let this ghost stop us from our purpose, remember what thy prince said earlier.
There's been a change of plan! We must hang him! - No you mustn't! - Yes we must! - No you mustn't! - Yes we must! - No you mustn't! - Yes we must! Oh my god, are you alright? -Let me go you fool! - No.
I must let nothing blunt my resolve.
Now look get down.
We've changed the plan.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- Alright, go on.
That's what you think you're going to do, is it? - Yes.
- That's what you think Oh my god! Oh! You alright? Very good.
Excellent.
It's certainly my mother's handwriting.
- When did you say these were written? - 'Twenty six.
The year my brother was born.
Baldrick, get in here.
Baldrick, sound an alarm, and tell everyone in the immediate court to gather in the great hall at 9 tomorrow morning.
Why, my lord? - Why? Because I told you to you stupid little rat.
- No, why should they gather? - Oh, I see.
Tell them it concerns the heir to the throne.
I'm particularly keen that his royal highness prince Henry himself should be there.
He may be the son, but no longer the heir.
Get out.
God I hate the Scots.
How much longer must I wait? Why in the devil's name did that brother of yours summon the court? I'm really not sure, I think it might be something to do with the drains.
Good morning, everyone.
Ah, Edmund, I hope you can explain yourself.
Oh, I can, father, I can.
Please, be seated everybody.
Mother, father, brother Henry.
Yesterday, there came into my possession from the hands, my lord, of your faithful servant Dougal McAngus, whose services have won our kingdom such glory abroad Get on with it, Edmund.
- Certain letters, rather extraordinary letters, concerning the lineage of prince Henry.
- Letters? What's so extraordinary about them? - Letters? Well Henry, they were written, by your mother, to your father! Your father, Henry, being of course Donald, 3rd Duke of Argyll.
What the devil - Help her, Baldrick.
These letters are of quite an intimate nature.
Let me give you an example.
"My dear Hairyweary.
Often as you sit at table with my husband, probing deeply into the affairs of state, I long for the day when you will probe" - Stop! My god.
Enough of this.
Edmund, cease this outrage at once.
My beloved father, whose first-born legitimate son will also rule the land of England, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland.
These letters speak of acts of love, between your wife and Donald, the gay dog of the glens.
"How I long to be in that kingdom between the saffron sheets where you and your ruler are the only rulers.
" And then acts of love consummation "O you enormous Scotsman" etcetera.
And these letters are dated November and December 1526, which, Henry, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely nine months be After I was born.
But about nine months before your birth, Edmund.
You stupid bastard.
No, I think you're the bastard, Edmund.
Quiet! I will have an explanation.
My lord, the reason I have gathered you all here today, is to try to get some proper justice metered out against this Scottish swine, who has clearly forged these obviously fake letters.
- Let me see them - No I rip them up in his face, so no hint of their filthy slander can remain.
You come in here fresh from slaughtering a couple of wops when their backs were turned, and you think you can upset the harmony of a whole kingdom? - I challenge you to a duel! - To the death? Errm yes, all right.
No.
- Yes.
This outrage has struck at the very foundations of our kingdom.
If you will not settle it for me in words, then settle it by the sword.
Fight.
Here and now and to the death.
Lord Percy, fetch the swords.
Get the trick sword.
- Mmmm? - Get the sword he had in the play last night.
One of these handles is cracked.
I'll, I'll replace it with another.
I hope they have a dunghill in the Highlands ready for your corpse.
I need have no fear of a bastard.
Death will silence his lying Scottish tongue.
Die, Scotsman! You asked for the trick sword.
So! You try to fob me off with a wee trick sword would you! No! Spare my son.
Very well.
I will be merciful, if Edmund himself begs for mercy.
Plead on bended knees for your life! Repent your accusation of treason against me.
Condone your father's gift of your Scottish lands to me.
And swear you'll never set foot in them in your life, or it will be your death! I plead for god's mercy.
I have been treacherous, selfish and disloyal.
I have allowed the spirit of evil into my heart and it has set me against mother, brother, and friend.
I beg your forgiveness, I'm in awe of your courage and wish you nothing but happiness and success with your new charge.
Baldrick, I think I'm going to castrate you.
But first - But I - Do as I say.
It'll take some spice out of life, not being able to pass laws over Scotland? Yes I wouldn't pass water over Scotland.
- Is lord McAngus leaving this morning? Yes my dear, I believe he is.
He has much work to see to in Scotland.
Well isn't it nice the way things sometimes turn out? I must say I though Edmund behaved himself awfully well yesterday.
Almost rather unlike him, in a way.
But then he can be such a sweet boy.
By the way, those letters turned out to be French forgeries.
And apparently Edmund has actually found a Frenchman who admitted to it.
Oh good.
Now he and McAngus are on awfully good terms.
As you can see, the fields stretch right out to the wood there, just beneath the hill.
- Magnificent - Then of course this is one of my own Come.
- Ah Percy, I wondered if you'd be so kind as to have this letter delivered for me.
- Yes, mylady.
I think Lord McAngus is just about to leave.
Thank you Percy, now where's Edmund? I believe he's giving lord McAngus a last look around the castle.
Oh, how nice.
Lord preserve us! - The Spaniards! - The drains.
Mother, father, you must come quickly, there's been a terrible took accident!