#blackAF s01e08 Episode Script

1 It was the night the first bombs were dropped, and the Blitzkrieg had officially begun.
Jo! Jojo.
Dude, just tell me.
Did you plan this book shit around our family vacation, or did we plan our family vacation around your book shit? I swear to God, keep calling it my book shit and see what you fucking do to me.
Dude, I don't even know who you are anymore, dude.
This is so fucked up! Why and how is this fucked up, Kenya? - Are you being serious right now? - Yes! How is it fucked up? You, out of anybody in the world, should understand how working and vacationing at the same time is a good thing, right? You should understand that.
Oh, my God! - Oh, okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Any time we go away, he's working.
Summer trip to Botswana? Coming to America premiere.
South of France? Two-day panel on American story structure.
I never 100 percent confirmed this, but I'm pretty sure this one time we went to Maui, and he taught an all-day master class on how to work on vacation.
I wasn't working on vacation.
I was working and we got a vacation out of it.
What was she gonna do? Sneak out of our room in the middle of the day then sneak back like some kind of psychopath? Pretend she was getting like a 90-minute shiatsu? Some kind of fucked up paddle board lesson? All she had to do was say something.
I'm a reasonable guy.
A reasonable guy? That came out of his mouth? Wait, you can't be serious.
Did he say that? Did he actually say that? Can somebody please get me the tape? I'm serious, I'll wait.
I want to see it, go get it.
As my parents' fighting raged on, my sister and I were locked in more of let's say, a cold war.
Come on.
Nope! Mm-mm.
Not gonna happen.
Please get out.
My bad, Drea player.
Meanwhile, Izzy and the boys were on a secret mission behind enemy lines.
All right, guys.
We're gonna do this.
No, you cannot go out there.
There was just a tropical storm.
You're gonna get pulomia.
Wait, wait, wait, you mean pneumonia? No, pulomia.
Wait, so you know what it is, but you don't know how to pronounce it? Well, I looked it up.
I wanted to know how Jim Henson went out.
Okay, weirdo.
Let's go, dude.
Stop, wait! We can't just steal the car, can we? God, you're a nerd.
Why is he like this? I think Mom breastfed him too long.
You guys sound stupid.
You can't be breastfed for too long.
When did he stop? I guess he would have been, like, five.
Five? You fed my brother milk from your bosom until he was five years old? In emerging countries, it is considered normal to drink breast milk well into your teens.
In emerging countries, they also think albino body parts have special powers.
That is not the same thing.
Mom, he has severe dairy issues.
You have severe dairy issues! Don't come for me.
- You don't know.
- Okay.
He's very smart.
I think that's why.
- Okay, let's go, guys.
- Yeah.
Guys, stop! - Wimp! - God.
- Quiet! - We're gonna go without you! Quiet.
Go, go, go! - Slow down! - Guys! Chloe! Marquise! Guys! Shit! Shit! Has anyone seen a young, beautiful couple? My boss is gonna shit down my throat! You gotta be fucking kidding me.
What are you, Jimi Hendrix? All right.
All right, babe.
I I'm I'm I'mma go.
Huh? I'm I'm gonna head out.
I know you got a pretty busy day of work ahead of you, so - I won't - Okay, bye.
You know, unless you want to talk about something.
Pretty much anything's on the table.
Maybe apologize about some stuff.
You can choose whatever it is you may want to I'm good.
Cool, cool.
All right, then.
Peace.
This fucking asshole, I swear to God.
Morning.
Hey! Mmm.
Omelette bar, huh? Dope choice.
Eggs for breakfast? That's classic.
Hey, any chance you've seen your sister? What the fuck is wrong with your face? Oh, this? Uh Well, your dad didn't let me get the right sunscreen, so It's fine, though.
I've been burnt much worse before, this is absolutely nothing.
I do have a history of melanoma in my family, though.
From what I understand, it's one of the worst cancer deaths.
Um We had to bury my uncle Hecky in a closed casket.
I mean, he was pussing, like ooze.
Enjoy your breakfast.
Hi, can I get an omelette with all Muenster cheese? Are you going to get more eggs? I'll follow you.
I'm literally dying.
This brunch is about to give me life.
For real.
I'm going a couple chia seed puddings, couple crepes.
You think it's crazy if I ask for an entire fig? - Oh, no.
- Princess Drea! What's the business? What's up, Marquise? So.
How was your night? Um One, two, three, war! Dang, they got some big dicks on this lil' island.
Fiji Tinder got hella dicks.
Hella dick! I mean, I did my thing.
Hmm.
Okay.
There's a super chill bonfire later if you want to roll.
Uh No, babe, I don't think that's her scene.
This bitch goes to college for a year and really thinks she's got it figured out.
She doesn't know what my scene is.
I have so many scenes, okay? Filmmakers of Tomorrow Club, French Club, Latin Club, Environmental Warrior Society, Social Justice Warrior Society.
Okay? I might need another scene.
I might be down to kick it later.
Okay, Drea.
I'm serious.
I would like to hang out.
Fine.
But if you get all judgy and shit about us drinking, you're gone.
I won't judge you if you don't judge me.
You know that's just orange juice, right? Of course I knew it was just orange juice, Chloe.
I'm just not a pulp person.
This isn't so bad.
It's actually kind of fun.
- Can I drive? - No.
- Please? - Ha.
No.
Wait, where are you going? Take it in, boys.
This is what freedom tastes like.
Oh, it tastes so good.
It is delicious.
We should probably stick to the parts of the resort without people.
We might run into somebody.
Okay, seriously, why is he like this? I don't know.
Excuse me, young lady? After you take these little guys to their stop, would you mind driving my husband and I to the clubhouse? Actually Actually, we were just heading that way.
Yeah, hop in.
What are you doing? - We're gonna get in trouble! - Stop! All righty.
Let's go.
All right, there you go, Mr.
and Mrs.
Wesbird, have a great rest of your evening.
Fingers crossed for Brian's Stanford application.
Thank you so much.
Whoa.
Not too shabby, fellas.
With our cuteness and your motor skills, I feel like we could easily make, like, millions.
I feel that you're not wrong.
And I feel that Fijian juvenile hall is a nightmare, so I'm guessing maybe we should get the frick out of here.
I feel like you're a nerd.
I don't need a bag.
No bag, no bag.
- Thank you, sir.
- I'll take a couple more, thank you.
Vinaka.
Yo.
- What up, dude? - Ah, you know.
I'm doing all right.
Skin's a little tender but I'm pushing through.
Actually, um my legs look like peppers and a couple of my moles are, uh, really starting to bother me, but I brought along measuring tape, so I'm keeping track of any drastic changes to size or shape.
What the fuck are you talking about, dude? Do you understand what I'm saying? A whole race of people that the sun hates.
The sun is their number one enemy.
The thing that gives this planet life takes theirs away.
Black people labored in the sun for free, under harsh conditions, for 400 years and we still gave you hip-hop and cornrows.
The ozone gets half an inch thinner, this kid's walking around on measuring stick and medicated ointment.
But I wanted to give you a quick little update on Operation Cockblock.
Dude, I told you to stop calling it that, dude.
Seriously.
And have you seen Joya? I've been calling her all day, she's ghosting me.
So petty, man.
God, I wish I had thought of it first.
Now I look thirsty.
Uh, no, I, uh I haven't seen her either, but I have been keeping tabs on Marquise all day.
He's teaching Brooklyn how to swim.
It's hilarious.
What the fuck, you don't just teach another man's son how to swim.
What kind of shit is that? What, is this some kind of Terrence Howard movie? - Ooh, I love Terrence Howard! - Yeah, I do too.
Hey, is he okay? I don't know.
I hope so, that's my man.
But I don't know.
Pasadena niggas are weird as fuck, dude.
Yeah, my boy Ginsburg is from Pasadena.
He's He's actually not my boy, he's technically my allergist, but we've been hanging out a lot.
Kenya? Kenya, you there? - Jo, hey girl, hey! What's up? - Hey, bula! Sorry, Kenya won't stop calling me.
Hi, this is Joya Barris, Esquire.
Obviously I can't come to the phone because I'm a lawyer, wife, mother of six Petty as fuck! So good at it.
Whoo! Is there anything better than just ghosting someone? Oh, my gosh, are you just not gonna answer his call? How do you know he's okay? I don't, but that's a risk I'm willing to take right now.
I'm just glad that you're not letting his nonsense get to your head because this moment is all about you.
You know, I wish I could say that was the case, but he got in my head, girl.
I'm just trying to shake it off, you know? Channel his man-baby energy and focus it on me.
That's right, girl, and the best revenge is counting your paper.
Get your paper up and all of these problems go away.
Ooh.
Sorry, I gotta go.
I'm up next.
Next for what? Focusing on me! Jo? I'm so sorry.
What is What exactly does that mean? All right, boys.
Let's finish this day strong.
Hold up.
Before we pick up anyone else, can I just take her for a quick spin? Please? No can do, kid.
Time is money.
Come on.
It'll be really fast.
- Sorry, dude.
We got bills to pay.
- Fine.
You leave me no choice.
If you guys want to drive, you're gonna have to drive over me.
God, I like, really, really hate him.
Should we just step on the gas and see what happens? Oh, my God! - Come on, Pops.
Get the hell up.
- Make me.
What the hell are you doing? You weren't built for this, son! I was born for this! Oh, shit! That was awesome! - Are you okay? - I'm okay.
I'm good, I'm good.
Are you, though? Because I kind of feel like we have to tell Mom and Dad what you did.
You've left us no choice.
This fire's great.
- Got them Duff beers.
- Hey, thank you, babe.
Okay.
So, I did some research and we should make sure to maintain a one to one water to beer ratio and Dude, shut up.
Trust me, you're fine.
You know, the only rule you need to know is liquor before beer and you're in the clear.
That's actually not true.
Oh, it's absolutely true.
No, it has less to do with the order of consumption and more with the alcohol saturation Okay, I don't care.
Okay? Don't ruin this.
- You're being kind of cool for once - Wait.
You think I'm acting cool? Yeah, kind of.
Yo, please don't be weird right now, but my boy Sean is eyeing the fuck out of you.
Oh, my God, do not be weird.
I said do not be weird.
Dude, he totally is.
And he's actually kinda cute.
You should go talk to him.
You don't think I know how this game is played? Okay? If he wants to talk, he can come over here.
"How this game is played"? What the hell are you talking about? Aren't you supposed to be some enlightened 21st-century president of the Social Justice Warrior Society super feminist? I mean, just go over there and fucking shoot your shot.
Really? I mean, shooters shoot, Dre Dre.
I mean, you know? Yeah! Okay.
Maybe I will, Mar-Mar.
Mar-Mar? You're being real cool tonight, though, I fuck with that.
Guys! Chloe! - Marquise! - Oh, God.
- God damn! - What? It's my burn? Don't worry about me.
Tell me about you guys.
Chloe, Marquise, what have you been up to? Huh? Fill me in on the details, huh? Don't hold back.
Tell me Tell me everything.
She's ghosting me.
No, I'm not gonna kill her, Broadway.
Make it look like a jet ski accident? I'll be honest, that's not an awful idea, of all your ideas.
I gotta go, man.
All right.
Um, bu I don't feel like saying that shit, dude.
What's up? - I need another room, dawg.
- Absolutely.
Kenya Barris.
B-A-R-R-I-S.
Just to be clear, you want to add an additional room to the six rooms you already have with us.
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
Great.
I'd like to run your credit card one more time.
Just put it on my phone.
You party? No.
No, sir.
You party.
Like, what's the What's the drug around here? What can I get that, like you know, I can black out but wake up, like, "What happened?" but be happy? You look like that guy, you know, where can I get it? What do you have on you right now? Don't tell me, just surprise me.
Me and you.
All right? - Yes, sir.
- All right.
Do I think getting a separate room for the night was overreacting? Absolutely not.
Let your mom sit up all night wondering and worrying where I am.
She deserves that.
I want her to really, really feel it.
Let her really, really understand what kind of monster she is.
Does it bother me that he got another room? A third-floor double-twin dog-friendly smoking room next to the ice machine that has a partially obstructed fountain view? It breaks me up inside.
Dude, are you sure this is the only room left at the fucking resort? I'm sorry, bula or whatever, but I'll pay anything.
This is like a human trafficking mid-point.
To be clear, we had many available rooms.
We have ocean fronts, several villas, the owner's resident.
The thing is, uh, we don't care for Mr.
Barris.
He has been most difficult.
Yeah, I booked with an Amex.
I mean, I guess $100 spa credit and late check-out wouldn't make it worse.
Vinaka.
Ow! Ah.
Fuck! Well, you done done me And you bet I felt it Tried to be chill But you're so hot I melted I fell right through the cracks Hey! Trying to get back Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest And nothing's This dude is bumming me out.
He really is.
It's like he's playing his own funeral.
You guys don't fuck with Jason Mraz? Did you know he came out as bi, like, 12 to 36 months ago? I thought it was super courageous.
- Okay, maybe we should go.
- I'm down, where are we going? No, no, come on! The night is still young.
Let's get into some shit.
Okay, Dr.
Drea.
Okay, what do you want to get into, sis? Uh, I don't know, let's, like, play a game or something.
And she's back.
Like, a cool game.
Like, um oh, like a drinking game.
You know what's always fun? Spin the bottle.
Oh, my God, that is so random.
I used to play that game all the time in junior high.
Yo, I used to kill that shit.
You used to kill spin the bottle? Crushed.
That's not really a kill type of game, dude.
Okay, whatever.
She's probably not even down.
- I'll play! - Okay, Drea.
No, I want to play.
Come on.
I'll go first.
Let's do this! Oh, shit, in-betweensies! So that means That means you have to kiss them both.
Kiss them both! Kiss them both! Kiss them both! Kiss them both! Kiss them both! - Kiss them both! Kiss them both! - Stop! What are you doing? Kiss them both! Kiss them both! Kiss them both! Dude, you frigging killed it.
Two kisses in one spin? A guy and a girl.
I mean, I don't think I've ever seen that before.
So, who did you like more? 'Cause it seemed like you had more passion with the girl Shut up.
Just shut up.
Dude, what the hell is the matter with you? You should be so hype right now.
That was my first kiss, you idiot.
Yeah, and then you had your second one right after.
I mean, that was fucking cool.
You're supposed to be my big sister.
You're supposed to protect me.
From what, having a good time? No.
From making stupid, embarrassing decisions that will ruin my whole life.
Hey, dude, it was just a kiss.
It's not just about the kiss.
It's everything.
Okay? It's the champagne on the plane.
You kicking me out of our room.
You saying that you had to babysit me, making fun of my virginity Okay.
Would it be easier if you just emailed me all the things you hate about me? Or You know what? I don't have to make you a list.
Let me make it really simple for you.
I'm tired of waiting for you to care about me.
You're not the big sister I wanted and I guess I just have to get over it.
And you're not the little sister I wanted.
Your needy-ass always begging to hang out with me, and then shitting on what I do? - I mean, fucking grow up.
- You grow the fuck up! God.
So the last thing I wanted to do was hang around my family But remember the teeny tiny island my dad said he rented? Apparently, he wasn't lying I mean, he blew it the fuck out.
Yo.
Not bad, right? Not bad at all.
- Thanks, boss.
I like that shirt, too.
- It's TJ Maxx.
I'm so glad we got to vibrate to the frequency of this ocean.
I feel so loose and languid.
Thanks, Marquise.
Yo, Danny.
You ocean vibing? Oh, yeah.
What's up with you guys? I feel like I haven't seen you the whole time, what you been doing? - Well, we - We're just we're relaxing and enjoying the weather, and everything the resort has to offer, you know.
Isn't that right, guys? - Yeah.
Totally.
Having so much fun.
- Yeah.
No, you cannot tell Mom and Dad, you cannot tell Mom and Dad, please.
Sorry, dude.
It's out of our hands.
Someone's gonna find this eventually.
I know, but they don't have to know that we did it.
You mean, you? I mean, there's fingerprints all over this.
There's no way we're getting out of it.
You mean no way he's getting out of this.
Oh, frick, oh, frick, oh, frick! Wait, guys! What if we get rid of the evidence? Dude! We're going to be in so much trouble.
Shut up, nerds.
Let's go.
I did what had to be done.
What's up, girl? Okay.
Well, next time, maybe, like, actually enjoy the resort for real.
Get out, do some stuff.
Especially you, Pops.
- Yeah.
Definitely agree.
- Exert yourself, man.
Enjoy yourself.
- Let's go find fish.
- Love you, Dad! Love you, too, boss.
Danny, he bothering you? No, he's fine.
It's cool.
I mean, yes.
Yo, Papa K! What's happening? What's up, Marquise? You wanna do some laps around this island on these WaveRunners? No, not really, man.
I'm really just trying to enjoy this moment in the sun.
Oh.
My bad.
Alone.
By myself.
- For sure.
- With nobody else around.
I just wanted to thank you again.
It's really dope how your whole family's embracing me.
I basically feel like I'm another one of the Barrises.
You're not, but I get how you feel like that.
I hate Marquise.
Like really, really, really hate him.
Seems like you've been a big hit on this trip.
Even heard you took some time to teach my son how to swim.
Thank you for that, by the way.
No, I didn't teach him.
He wouldn't take to water.
It was crazy.
The whole time he was kicking and screaming and asking for his real daddy.
It's crazy, because I don't think about my real daddy, but I started thinking about my daddy.
He never tried, he wasn't around.
But you try.
- I do try.
- Yeah.
I don't know that they see that, but I try.
It's crazy.
You try.
- I do.
- Means everything.
I mean, it's all you have as a man.
Marquise is a good kid.
Like, a really, really good kid.
I don't see what the problem everybody else has with him.
He seems fine to me.
Solid.
How about some Dom and a truce? I'm down.
I guess So, we're just not gonna talk about your book shit? I'd rather not.
Why? 'Cause we're on a PI? What's a PI? You know, like, a private island, like a PJ? I think it's private investigator.
This is incredible.
We should fucking take some pictures for the 'gram.
Like, the 'gram was invented for this shit.
Fuck the 'gram.
- What? - I'm getting in.
What are you talking about? I'm getting in the ocean.
What do you mean? Jo, there's shit that lives in there.
All kinda shit.
Yeah.
Crab, fish, sharks.
Who cares? There's room for all of us.
Dude, I'm cool.
I'm gonna stick to swimming at the pool.
I'm good.
- Don't Come on! - I'm good.
You're not gonna come in? Nope, I'mma use this image for my yank-bank later.
You look great.
Come on in, you pussy! No, Jo.
Jo, we're swimming pool swimmers.
We're not ocean swimmers.
We don't do this.
Jo! Jo! - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! - Help! Shit! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Hold on, babe! Help! It's gonna be okay! Hold your breath! Hold on, I'm coming, babe! - Mom! - Mom! - Dad, help her! - Dad, go! - Dad, help her! - I'm going! This is silk! This is silk! Go! - Marquise! - Wait! Fuck that dude.
- Mom! - Mom! Mom! Mom, you okay? You don't just save another man's wife when I was clearly gearing up to do it myself.
It's that weirdo Pasadena shit, dude Babe, are you okay? I got you a towel.
You okay? - I'm fine.
- It's dry.
Don't go out there.
The current's really strong.
I think his shirt's cotton.
No, no, I mean, I totally get it.
You can't just jump right in.
You gotta take off that watch, and your phone, and your expensive clothes, and that wallet that's filled with an unnecessarily large wad of cash, and all of your jewelry, because God forbid you just You know what? It all worked out.
I'm here.
It's okay.
It's not okay.
It's not okay.
Yeah, it didn't feel okay.
It didn't.
It didn't.
Professor Hobson was, by far, the sexiest man I had ever encountered.
If you just give me, like, a tiny bit more bronzer around the cheekbone, 'cause I need contour.
Every single girl in my 1L class knew that.
While my mom was pushing through to prep for her book event my dad was drowning his sorrows with an old friend.
Even though we were able to live lives separately, we made the choice to live a new life together.
And yeah, it was going to take work, but there was no one I'd rather work with than Bow.
Such a good show.
Such a fucking good show.
Okay, I'm gonna need you to shoot the shit out of this, okay? Please just do that Can you do that for me? - Please, Drea? - Yeah, Mom.
Chill.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm being aggressive.
I'm just really nervous.
I just I really need this to go well today.
You know, I can't go from being Joya Barris, Esquire to failed author Joya Barris, Esquire.
And I really need to prove your da I really need to prove da haters wrong.
Is my eye twitching? Oh, God.
Hi.
Hi! Oh! Thank you so much.
Um I'm just a little Excuse me.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for, um for coming today.
Um Okay.
Oh.
I'm Joya Barris.
I'm the author of the book, obviously.
Um, so before we, uh, get before I get started, um I just want to say how much this book means to me and, uh The humble words that Andre Johnson said, that I wrote really got to me.
Made me want to be a better person.
Be a better husband.
Black-ish.
Such a good show.
- Such a good show.
- Yeah.
Never got that Emmy, though.
Nope.
Got the Humanitas, Golden Globe, AFI, Peabody, bunch of amateur awards, basically swept.
That Emmy, elusive statue.
I worked for a long time on it, and it wouldn't have been possible without the support and love of my family, which, um you're about to hear too much about, so without further ado, um I'll just read you a little bit.
We'll start with my favorite chapter entitled "Why Babies and Molly Don't Mix.
" Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you.
Hi! Thank you.
Don't forget, you too can be a lawyer, wife, mother of six.
Oh, I'm actually barren.
But I'm considering going back to law school now, so - Oh! That's the spirit, honey.
- Thank you.
- Who's next? Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Don't shoot.
It's just me.
It's my wife, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Hi.
- Um, hi.
Dude, that was fucking amazing.
I'm so proud of you.
Like, seriously.
- Are you fucking with me? - No, man.
Like, that was amazing.
Like, I'm so glad I came, I can't believe I almost missed this.
Even though you didn't tell me about it, and I found out at the last minute - Kenya, listen.
- Um No.
You didn't tell me about it because I've been being a dick.
Seriously, I'm sorry.
I've been giving you shit about this and seeing you out here doing your thing and, like, living your life.
It's amazing.
I forget how dope you are because we're just in our shit every day, but you're the shit.
- Really? - Yes, babe.
I'm so sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I'm really, really sorry.
Thank you for putting up with me.
- I do put up with you.
- I'm a lot.
- You're a lucky man.
- I am the luckiest.
Have you, um read the book yet? Oh - I want to say yes - No.
It's okay.
I think, maybe better you don't.
Yeah, just summarize it for me.
Yeah, I will.
- I love you.
- I'm so proud of you.
Seriously.
Hurry up.
Come home.
Bye! So sorry, guys.
Thank you.
Amazing book.
Start to finish.
Thrills, chills, everything.
He's actually a really nice guy.
So, barely, just barely, our family had survived the latest Barris family vacation war.
Each of the troops left affected in their own unique ways.
Some came out earning new stripes and respect accomplishing near impossible missions emerging as battle-tested heroes.
And as for me, while I was coming out of the trenches a little wounded, I had faced the dangers outside my comfort zone and survived.
Ready to put myself out there a little more thanks to the help of an old ally.
When I first started filming this documentary, there were a lot of, let's say, ugly moments that I was hesitant to show.
Especially the fighting.
But, something that I've come to realize is that families need to fight.
Just like countries fight to build a better world, families fight to better each other.
It's healthy.
It's like my dad said before: You only really have to start worrying when the fighting stops.
And if I know anything about my family, the fighting isn't stopping anytime soon.