Bless the Harts (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Pig Trouble in Little Greenpoint
1 Lord, Wayne, your barbecue smells like sheer heaven.
[chuckling.]
Yeah, it does.
Uh-uh, get out of here, bird.
Can somebody pass the lettuce? You know, the one food on this table that never had thoughts, or feelings, or a face? Violet, hush.
Wayne's barbecue is magical.
Oh, she's just going through her vegetarian phase.
Not a phase.
Unless caring about murder is a phase.
Violet, honey, I watched you dip a corn dog into a can of chili less than a week ago.
Thanks for bringing up my rock bottom, Mom.
I'm five days meat sober.
- Get out of here, bird! - [warbling.]
Oh, and by the way, I got an idea for the ostriches, y'all.
You've heard of the running of the bulls? Well, get ready for the running of the birds.
Oh, my Lord, y'all.
We all know Wayne's never gonna make dime one on any of these schemes.
You just wait.
One of Wayne's ideas is gonna hit.
If Wayne wants to be an entre-pray-newer mmm man alive, is this good then he needs to find the thing that he is good at.
Mmm.
Mmm! Y'all, this barbecue is just, oh, it's melting in my mouth.
And do that thing instead of all this bird nonsense.
Mmm, mmm-mmm.
Wayne, I know what you should do.
You should enter the cook-off at this year's Barbecue Festival! Nah.
I know my barbecue's good.
- Who needs a top-off? - I do! Hallelujah! What's the opposite of "hallelujah"? Here you go.
Got one for you Whoa! Almost got me.
[title music.]
[sighs heavily.]
- What's wrong, baby? - The drawing I submitted to be the logo for the Greenpoint Barbecue Festival? - It won.
- Well, Violet, that's great! "Go ahead and eat me, but remember I'm as smart as a human toddler!" Gram, look what they did.
They took out the thought bubble.
- BETTY: Thank God.
- They censored me.
How can my art provoke with a fascist boot on my neck? Wait.
Rick Ocean and the Sandbars? Oh, Vi.
Do you know the song "I Found Her Flip-Flop on the Beach"? If I say no, can we go back to my thing? Rick Ocean and the Sandbars are the international kings of Carolina beach music.
With all their hit songs: "Beach Music," "Sand Music Beach," "You Bring the Beach, parentheses, I'll Bring the Music," "Life's a Beach and Then You Swim, - parentheses, the Music Song.
" - [Violet sighs.]
And of course, "B-E-A-C-H, parentheses, That's How I Spell Music.
" You know, I am very close, intimate friends - with Rick Ocean.
- And cue the gross story.
He was my first real romance after Ed died.
[romantic music.]
I was in a hole so deep, I thought I'd never get out.
Rick's touch healed me.
For over a decade, we've been like two ships that pass in the night.
And circle back around to ram into each other like the Titanic and that iceberg.
Violet? TV ANNOUNCER: Okay, barbecue fans, it's time to get fired up for "Dips, Drizzles and Dunks"! With the am-bro-ssador of bro-b-cue, Chip Scoville! [crowd cheering.]
[air horn blowing.]
I'm feeling the tang.
I'm tasting that funkalicious cardamom.
Your sauce - is boss! - [guitar riff playing.]
- He got the bro fingers! - [air horn blowing.]
Chip hands those out, like, once an episode, maybe.
That must be some funktastic aioli.
Oh, man.
I love Chip so much.
He is the bad boy of flavor.
Wayne, no offense to Chip, but he just comments on flavors.
You are a flavor maker.
And-and look what it says right here: deadline is tomorrow.
It's not too late.
We can sign you up right now.
You know, my barbecue takes a lot of preparation, and I-I simply do not have the time.
I saw this documentary about a guy who tried to run a marathon without the proper preparation, and he ran 90 yards, crapped his pants, and died.
But, Wayne, if you don't do this, that man will have crapped and died for nothing.
But, Jenny, if I do enter, you're gonna have two deaths and two craps on your hands.
[sighs.]
- [heavenly music plays.]
- Jenny.
How could you be so sad with your boo making barbecue this good? You know, Wayne should enter that barbecue contest at the festival.
That's what I told him.
But he won't budge.
There's no way he's gonna enter that contest.
Jenny, do you know the parable of the footprints in the sand? Oh, yeah.
That Dateline about that newlywed couple who were supposed to be on a perfect vacation, but then the husband pushed the wife off a balcony, and his alibi was that they were going for a walk on the beach, but there was only one set of footprints, - 'cause he was dumping her body? - No, but that was a good one.
- It's always the husband, right? - Right? - I still watch.
- Me, too! No, the footprints story I'm talking about I'm surprised you don't know this.
It's on, like, posters and, like, crocheted stuff.
Anyway, the one I'm talking about is the one where this guy was going through a hard time and only saw one set of footprints and thought I had abandoned him, but spoiler alert I was carrying him.
Oh, I get it.
You're saying I need to use my one set of footprints to enter Wayne in the contest behind his back! - That's a great idea! - No.
The story's not about doing something behind somebody's back.
Yeah, I think it is.
- Mm I think no.
- Well - yeah - No WEBB: Welcome to the 23rd annual Greenpoint Barbecue Festival, where we show all of North Carolina that you can't spell "barbecue" without some of the letters in "Greenpoint.
" Gram, it's just, it's too much Wind Song.
Baby, you got to lure a man with his senses.
And Rick Ocean's senses have to overcome a park full of roasting swine.
Now, why is it that you're wearing a full leather jumpsuit at an outdoor festival in the summer? I call this outfit my man catcher.
It goes effortlessly from day to night.
This getup was scientifically formulated, y'all, to catch one super fine bass player by the name of Rick Ocean.
Wait.
The band is named after him, but he's not the lead singer? 'Cause his fingers are that good.
And his thumb is so calloused, it could hammer a nail - into sheetrock.
- Ew.
Oh.
Ew! [gasps.]
No.
No! Nooo! Ooh.
I haven't eaten in 36 hours in preparation to eat the best barbecue North Carolina has to offer.
[gasps.]
Wayne! What is this over here in this area? Why is Leonard at that booth? Congratulations, you're in the contest! This is your booth.
Get cooking.
Yay! - Jenny - I entered you in the contest.
Yay! What a fun thing I did.
Yay! You should've told me you were doing this, so I could've said no.
Wait, I did say no! Come on, Wayne.
We got all your supplies.
Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue! BOTH: Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue! - No, no, clap on the word.
- Uh-uh.
Follow me.
Wayne's 'cue! BOTH: Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue! Well, I thought about it, and something dawned on me.
I'm a grown-ass man, and I don't have to be here.
Well, you know, since we're already signed up, uh, - I guess I got to cook it myself.
- [gasps.]
I'll just grab some of these flavor dust sprinkles - Jenny, you know that's called rub.
- Uh-oh.
That's probably too much.
Well, that's okay.
I'm just gonna rinse it off, but what do I have for that? Oh, perfect, baby wipes.
And I'll just cut it into cubes, and boil it gray.
Jenny, I know that's reverse psychology, and I'll tell you right now, I never don't fall for it.
Give me those tongs! I'll take a white zin on the rocks, - and make it a home pour.
- [sniffs.]
- There she is, my Betty.
- Mmm.
Zip! Even though I was standing next to a Porta Potti and a mini-dumpster of pig remains in the heat - Zip! - you made sure I found you.
- Senor Oceano.
- Senorita Corazón.
Come on.
Let's go back to my dressing "caban-ya.
" I can't wait to peel you out of that Mamma Mia! slash Evel Knievel getup.
Hey.
Hey, you.
Your costume was built on lies.
- BRENDA: Violet? - Brenda? Whew! That feels good.
It's hot as hell in this pig suit.
- What's got you so upset, girly? - This.
I was censored.
Oh, man, that is some total bull crap.
Girl, you come with me.
I got a plan.
- Already? - Petty retaliation is in my DNA.
It's my superpower.
Now, stop panicking 'cause Auntie Brenda's gonna help you fix this the old-fashioned way: vandalism.
[music.]
- Look at you go, Wayne! - It's a balancing act.
Tart, hot, sour, sweet, and a million unknowables.
I just have to feel it.
It's so fun to carry my boyfriend.
Hey, shh.
I need total silence while I work out these ratios.
[heart beating.]
[air horn blowing.]
ANNOUNCER: Dropping like a meat-eating meteor, it's your surprise celebrity guest judge, Chip Scoville! - [air horn blowing.]
- [cheering.]
Chip Scoville? He's here? Ugh, where is he getting those sound effects? [gunfire sound effect plays.]
- [eagle screeching sound effect.]
- [cheering.]
- Wayne, you doing okay? - Wayne, your vinegar! My-my ratios! I love the beach And the beach loves me - Uh-huh.
- The beachy beach Music really sets me free I love the beach, and the beach loves me Listening to beach music always sets me free The notes, the rhythm The treble, the bass That beachy beach music puts a smile on my face - Beachy beach music, beach music - Ooh, woo Beachy beach music Well, well, look what the cat shagged in.
Crystalynn? What are you doing here? This area is for top-level VIP entourage only.
Read 'em and weep.
I'm with the lead singer, aka the front man, Tim Stinson.
Mm, right.
I forgot about him 'cause I'm seeing the bass player, who the band is named after, Rick Ocean.
Oh, he just lucked out 'cause his last name happens to be Ocean.
- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! [both whooping.]
Beachy beach music Too bad you can't do that, jumpsuit.
Good thing I always come prepared.
There's someone special here tonight, someone who is the pearl in my oyster, the flip to my flop, the colada to my piña Betty Hart, will you join me on stage? [cheering and applause.]
Don't we look good together? No! Now, don't you think this pretty lady should be by my side for the entire tour, huh? No! I want you to be my woman, Betty.
What do you say? CRYSTALYNN: Can you hand that to Tim Stinson? This feels so good.
Toppling the meatriarchy.
Yeah! Brenda, are you sure I'm not gonna get in trouble? - Violet, you're gonna be fine.
- Hey, kid! Get down from there! Oh, crap.
Violet, it's the po-po.
I'll create a perversion.
- Don't you mean diversion? - Not the way I do it.
Come on, boys, winner, winner, Brenda dinner.
We got a streak going, babies! - WOMAN: Randy! - MAN 1: What the hell, Randy? MAN 2: That's enough, Randy.
[van chirps.]
Well, check out the new tour bus.
It's a sweet ride, honey.
There's a cooler in the console, perfect for daiquiris, and any medication you might have.
Mm, I do love an ice cold Tylenol PM.
Not a bad place to hang for 46 weeks a year.
What do you say? [seabirds screeching.]
[music.]
I don't know, y'all.
You worried I can't take care of you? [chuckles.]
I got a structured settlement coming in from when I slipped on a shrimp and hurt my back on a pontoon boat at Riverfest.
Mm.
You are pushing all the right buttons.
I have to think about it.
Give me the night.
I say give me the night! - [air horn blowing.]
- [cheering.]
Get ready, pork munchers.
One minute to tongs down.
Nope, still not right.
I got to cut the heat that I added to counter the sweet, that I added to counter the sour of all that extra vinegar.
Ah, you know what? - Let's just go all ketchup.
Damn it, Jenny.
- Well, sorry.
- [air horn blowing.]
- Tongs down! Your Lord and Flavior is upon you.
Uh - Uh - Hi, Mr.
Scoville.
Wow, that is fun hair.
[laughs.]
Seeing it in person, lucky me.
Whoo! And your cologne! Wow, that is [inhales.]
that's great.
You don't get that aspect on TV, do you? Anyways, Chip can I call you Chip? I'm talking too much.
You see, I put Wayne in this position.
This is too long.
Anyways, can you just please go easy on him? "Easys" are for Sunday mornings, and last time I checked, it's Bro-derday.
Now hit me with your pork.
[tense music.]
[sniffs.]
Now let's see how it donkey-kicks my taste-budoodles.
Your sauce is a total loss.
[retches.]
This is the worst day of my life.
- Why did you make me do this? - Oh, Wayne, I'm so sorry.
So, uh, your whole "footprints in the sand" thing really blew up in my face.
- Wayne is so upset.
- Boy, you're really not getting this.
You are still on the beach, okay? You're still living the allegory.
So just keep on walking down that beach.
I mean, I carried that guy a really long way.
My dogs were barking.
You know, maybe I'm not getting it 'cause I can't picture it.
Were you carrying the guy, like, fireman style? Or, like, a bride over the threshold? It was face-to-face, like how you would carry a toddler.
Really? So, like, with his legs wrapped around you? And your hands on his butt? Yeah, we called it a "Jericho Sleigh Ride.
" It was a pretty standard mode of transportation back then.
[quietly.]
It was a different time.
Look, just buck up and keep going.
I think I'm finally understanding.
I wasn't carrying him, I was pushing him.
I just wanted him to see how great he is.
- Or you wanted you to see how great he is.
- [chuckles.]
What? I'm just saying, maybe Wayne's carrying you.
Maybe you're about to learn something.
Ugh! How did that guy not know your hands were on his butt? Oh, maybe he was asleep? I mean, that had to be it, right? Otherwise, you'd just be creepily staring into each other's eyes? Jesus? [tires screech.]
You still eating on that? Well, it's good to the last drop, baby.
- I know.
- [sighs.]
I'm sorry, Wayne.
You are so great, and your frickin' barbecue is so great.
I just wanted you to see that.
Jenny, I'm good.
And I know my barbecue's good.
- Good.
- And I wasn't down on myself until it seemed like you were down on myself.
I wasn't down on you.
Then why'd you force me into the cook-off? I guess I did need to prove something to myself.
Or maybe to Mother? But your barbecue and you are already amazing.
- I'm just such a dang ding-dong.
- Jenny, I have a idea.
[insects trilling.]
[radio plays.]
BETTY: Oh, Betty, what the hell are you gonna do? Goin' beach to beach with my baby [cheering.]
Beach music in a traveling show Sittin' in my car with my baby Beach music on the radio - Got our beach T-shirts - BOTH: Oh! And beach blond hair Sand in our flip-flops and our underwear Goin' beach-to-beach With my beachy beach baby Beach-to-beach with my beachy beach girl All you need is music and a beach And a man and a lady Beach.
BRENDA: So back to see your handiwork? Yeah.
I didn't get to fill the thought bubble in, but I think it's still gonna get my message across: - pigs have thoughts and feelings.
- [laughter.]
CHARLES LEE [laughing.]
: Look at that pig! - He's fartin'! - JIMMY LEE: A farting pig? - That's hilarious.
- Oh - What? - CHARLES LEE: That funny farting pig is really making me want to eat more barbecue.
Yeah, yesterday I got kind of depressed thinking about how intelligent pigs are.
But this fun drawing has really lightened the mood.
- I thought you didn't eat meat.
- I just realized something.
Pigs aren't as smart as people they're clearly way smarter.
And if we don't eat them, they're gonna take over.
True 'dat.
Whoo! [sighs.]
[gasps.]
Betty.
Thank the beach.
For a minute, I thought you weren't comin'.
I've thought about it.
I've dreamt about it.
You're offering me a life of glitz and glamour, soft rocking our way through the finest Native American gambling establishments through all the Southeast.
But I'm a star right here in Greenpoint the star of my family.
I'm La Toya Jackson, and they are whoever those other Jacksons are.
My family's my entourage, and they need me to survive.
I can't say I didn't see this coming, but [van engine starts.]
- Well, I guess this is it.
- Honey, this is not it.
You're gonna be wading through my low tide at The Durham Craft Beer and Catfish Bash in September.
See you soon, Mr.
Ocean.
- Not if I smell you first.
- [van chirps.]
[whirring and grinding.]
You know what? I got stuff to do.
WAYNE: It's time for Chip to taste my real barbecue.
[door opens.]
Ding-dong doodle, broseef.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't just barge in here.
Oh, hey.
You're the guy with that vinegar bomb from yesterday that nearly threatened my sobriety.
Chip, he is such a huge fan.
He's-he's seen every episode of D3 multiple times.
If he's a true fan, he's seen the online aftershow of season four, episode three.
- The Meat Diaper Challenge.
- If your slather don't stick BOTH: You must acquit.
Blango tango.
Hang on, boys.
Looks like we got a true-blue fanaroo here.
It's true, Mr.
Bro-sident in Chef.
All right.
Hand me that pan.
But this better knock the chain off my wallet.
[grunting, munching.]
: Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, hoss, your sauce is boss! [air horn blowing.]
[music.]
Mm.
Oh, yeah Oh, yeah Oh, yeah - Oh, yeah - Chicka, chicka - Baby, you just got bro-fingered.
- Oh, yeah.
- [air horn sound effect plays.]
- Chicka, chicka.
Well, Jenny, you were right.
Wayne's an entre-pray-newer after all.
Here you go.
Got one for you.
Right here.
Thank you very much.
Who knows people were dying for a way to burn off all that barbecue.
- [gunshot.]
Run, you beautiful beasts! - [ostriches chittering.]
Devil birds, you'll never catch me, my babies! - Oh! It got me! - [ostrich chirping.]
- Oh, Lord, look away, Violet.
- RANDY: Oh-ee! - I've already seen it.
- [Randy grunting.]
RANDY: Ow! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ooh.
[laughs.]
Ow!
[chuckling.]
Yeah, it does.
Uh-uh, get out of here, bird.
Can somebody pass the lettuce? You know, the one food on this table that never had thoughts, or feelings, or a face? Violet, hush.
Wayne's barbecue is magical.
Oh, she's just going through her vegetarian phase.
Not a phase.
Unless caring about murder is a phase.
Violet, honey, I watched you dip a corn dog into a can of chili less than a week ago.
Thanks for bringing up my rock bottom, Mom.
I'm five days meat sober.
- Get out of here, bird! - [warbling.]
Oh, and by the way, I got an idea for the ostriches, y'all.
You've heard of the running of the bulls? Well, get ready for the running of the birds.
Oh, my Lord, y'all.
We all know Wayne's never gonna make dime one on any of these schemes.
You just wait.
One of Wayne's ideas is gonna hit.
If Wayne wants to be an entre-pray-newer mmm man alive, is this good then he needs to find the thing that he is good at.
Mmm.
Mmm! Y'all, this barbecue is just, oh, it's melting in my mouth.
And do that thing instead of all this bird nonsense.
Mmm, mmm-mmm.
Wayne, I know what you should do.
You should enter the cook-off at this year's Barbecue Festival! Nah.
I know my barbecue's good.
- Who needs a top-off? - I do! Hallelujah! What's the opposite of "hallelujah"? Here you go.
Got one for you Whoa! Almost got me.
[title music.]
[sighs heavily.]
- What's wrong, baby? - The drawing I submitted to be the logo for the Greenpoint Barbecue Festival? - It won.
- Well, Violet, that's great! "Go ahead and eat me, but remember I'm as smart as a human toddler!" Gram, look what they did.
They took out the thought bubble.
- BETTY: Thank God.
- They censored me.
How can my art provoke with a fascist boot on my neck? Wait.
Rick Ocean and the Sandbars? Oh, Vi.
Do you know the song "I Found Her Flip-Flop on the Beach"? If I say no, can we go back to my thing? Rick Ocean and the Sandbars are the international kings of Carolina beach music.
With all their hit songs: "Beach Music," "Sand Music Beach," "You Bring the Beach, parentheses, I'll Bring the Music," "Life's a Beach and Then You Swim, - parentheses, the Music Song.
" - [Violet sighs.]
And of course, "B-E-A-C-H, parentheses, That's How I Spell Music.
" You know, I am very close, intimate friends - with Rick Ocean.
- And cue the gross story.
He was my first real romance after Ed died.
[romantic music.]
I was in a hole so deep, I thought I'd never get out.
Rick's touch healed me.
For over a decade, we've been like two ships that pass in the night.
And circle back around to ram into each other like the Titanic and that iceberg.
Violet? TV ANNOUNCER: Okay, barbecue fans, it's time to get fired up for "Dips, Drizzles and Dunks"! With the am-bro-ssador of bro-b-cue, Chip Scoville! [crowd cheering.]
[air horn blowing.]
I'm feeling the tang.
I'm tasting that funkalicious cardamom.
Your sauce - is boss! - [guitar riff playing.]
- He got the bro fingers! - [air horn blowing.]
Chip hands those out, like, once an episode, maybe.
That must be some funktastic aioli.
Oh, man.
I love Chip so much.
He is the bad boy of flavor.
Wayne, no offense to Chip, but he just comments on flavors.
You are a flavor maker.
And-and look what it says right here: deadline is tomorrow.
It's not too late.
We can sign you up right now.
You know, my barbecue takes a lot of preparation, and I-I simply do not have the time.
I saw this documentary about a guy who tried to run a marathon without the proper preparation, and he ran 90 yards, crapped his pants, and died.
But, Wayne, if you don't do this, that man will have crapped and died for nothing.
But, Jenny, if I do enter, you're gonna have two deaths and two craps on your hands.
[sighs.]
- [heavenly music plays.]
- Jenny.
How could you be so sad with your boo making barbecue this good? You know, Wayne should enter that barbecue contest at the festival.
That's what I told him.
But he won't budge.
There's no way he's gonna enter that contest.
Jenny, do you know the parable of the footprints in the sand? Oh, yeah.
That Dateline about that newlywed couple who were supposed to be on a perfect vacation, but then the husband pushed the wife off a balcony, and his alibi was that they were going for a walk on the beach, but there was only one set of footprints, - 'cause he was dumping her body? - No, but that was a good one.
- It's always the husband, right? - Right? - I still watch.
- Me, too! No, the footprints story I'm talking about I'm surprised you don't know this.
It's on, like, posters and, like, crocheted stuff.
Anyway, the one I'm talking about is the one where this guy was going through a hard time and only saw one set of footprints and thought I had abandoned him, but spoiler alert I was carrying him.
Oh, I get it.
You're saying I need to use my one set of footprints to enter Wayne in the contest behind his back! - That's a great idea! - No.
The story's not about doing something behind somebody's back.
Yeah, I think it is.
- Mm I think no.
- Well - yeah - No WEBB: Welcome to the 23rd annual Greenpoint Barbecue Festival, where we show all of North Carolina that you can't spell "barbecue" without some of the letters in "Greenpoint.
" Gram, it's just, it's too much Wind Song.
Baby, you got to lure a man with his senses.
And Rick Ocean's senses have to overcome a park full of roasting swine.
Now, why is it that you're wearing a full leather jumpsuit at an outdoor festival in the summer? I call this outfit my man catcher.
It goes effortlessly from day to night.
This getup was scientifically formulated, y'all, to catch one super fine bass player by the name of Rick Ocean.
Wait.
The band is named after him, but he's not the lead singer? 'Cause his fingers are that good.
And his thumb is so calloused, it could hammer a nail - into sheetrock.
- Ew.
Oh.
Ew! [gasps.]
No.
No! Nooo! Ooh.
I haven't eaten in 36 hours in preparation to eat the best barbecue North Carolina has to offer.
[gasps.]
Wayne! What is this over here in this area? Why is Leonard at that booth? Congratulations, you're in the contest! This is your booth.
Get cooking.
Yay! - Jenny - I entered you in the contest.
Yay! What a fun thing I did.
Yay! You should've told me you were doing this, so I could've said no.
Wait, I did say no! Come on, Wayne.
We got all your supplies.
Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue! BOTH: Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue! - No, no, clap on the word.
- Uh-uh.
Follow me.
Wayne's 'cue! BOTH: Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue! Well, I thought about it, and something dawned on me.
I'm a grown-ass man, and I don't have to be here.
Well, you know, since we're already signed up, uh, - I guess I got to cook it myself.
- [gasps.]
I'll just grab some of these flavor dust sprinkles - Jenny, you know that's called rub.
- Uh-oh.
That's probably too much.
Well, that's okay.
I'm just gonna rinse it off, but what do I have for that? Oh, perfect, baby wipes.
And I'll just cut it into cubes, and boil it gray.
Jenny, I know that's reverse psychology, and I'll tell you right now, I never don't fall for it.
Give me those tongs! I'll take a white zin on the rocks, - and make it a home pour.
- [sniffs.]
- There she is, my Betty.
- Mmm.
Zip! Even though I was standing next to a Porta Potti and a mini-dumpster of pig remains in the heat - Zip! - you made sure I found you.
- Senor Oceano.
- Senorita Corazón.
Come on.
Let's go back to my dressing "caban-ya.
" I can't wait to peel you out of that Mamma Mia! slash Evel Knievel getup.
Hey.
Hey, you.
Your costume was built on lies.
- BRENDA: Violet? - Brenda? Whew! That feels good.
It's hot as hell in this pig suit.
- What's got you so upset, girly? - This.
I was censored.
Oh, man, that is some total bull crap.
Girl, you come with me.
I got a plan.
- Already? - Petty retaliation is in my DNA.
It's my superpower.
Now, stop panicking 'cause Auntie Brenda's gonna help you fix this the old-fashioned way: vandalism.
[music.]
- Look at you go, Wayne! - It's a balancing act.
Tart, hot, sour, sweet, and a million unknowables.
I just have to feel it.
It's so fun to carry my boyfriend.
Hey, shh.
I need total silence while I work out these ratios.
[heart beating.]
[air horn blowing.]
ANNOUNCER: Dropping like a meat-eating meteor, it's your surprise celebrity guest judge, Chip Scoville! - [air horn blowing.]
- [cheering.]
Chip Scoville? He's here? Ugh, where is he getting those sound effects? [gunfire sound effect plays.]
- [eagle screeching sound effect.]
- [cheering.]
- Wayne, you doing okay? - Wayne, your vinegar! My-my ratios! I love the beach And the beach loves me - Uh-huh.
- The beachy beach Music really sets me free I love the beach, and the beach loves me Listening to beach music always sets me free The notes, the rhythm The treble, the bass That beachy beach music puts a smile on my face - Beachy beach music, beach music - Ooh, woo Beachy beach music Well, well, look what the cat shagged in.
Crystalynn? What are you doing here? This area is for top-level VIP entourage only.
Read 'em and weep.
I'm with the lead singer, aka the front man, Tim Stinson.
Mm, right.
I forgot about him 'cause I'm seeing the bass player, who the band is named after, Rick Ocean.
Oh, he just lucked out 'cause his last name happens to be Ocean.
- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! [both whooping.]
Beachy beach music Too bad you can't do that, jumpsuit.
Good thing I always come prepared.
There's someone special here tonight, someone who is the pearl in my oyster, the flip to my flop, the colada to my piña Betty Hart, will you join me on stage? [cheering and applause.]
Don't we look good together? No! Now, don't you think this pretty lady should be by my side for the entire tour, huh? No! I want you to be my woman, Betty.
What do you say? CRYSTALYNN: Can you hand that to Tim Stinson? This feels so good.
Toppling the meatriarchy.
Yeah! Brenda, are you sure I'm not gonna get in trouble? - Violet, you're gonna be fine.
- Hey, kid! Get down from there! Oh, crap.
Violet, it's the po-po.
I'll create a perversion.
- Don't you mean diversion? - Not the way I do it.
Come on, boys, winner, winner, Brenda dinner.
We got a streak going, babies! - WOMAN: Randy! - MAN 1: What the hell, Randy? MAN 2: That's enough, Randy.
[van chirps.]
Well, check out the new tour bus.
It's a sweet ride, honey.
There's a cooler in the console, perfect for daiquiris, and any medication you might have.
Mm, I do love an ice cold Tylenol PM.
Not a bad place to hang for 46 weeks a year.
What do you say? [seabirds screeching.]
[music.]
I don't know, y'all.
You worried I can't take care of you? [chuckles.]
I got a structured settlement coming in from when I slipped on a shrimp and hurt my back on a pontoon boat at Riverfest.
Mm.
You are pushing all the right buttons.
I have to think about it.
Give me the night.
I say give me the night! - [air horn blowing.]
- [cheering.]
Get ready, pork munchers.
One minute to tongs down.
Nope, still not right.
I got to cut the heat that I added to counter the sweet, that I added to counter the sour of all that extra vinegar.
Ah, you know what? - Let's just go all ketchup.
Damn it, Jenny.
- Well, sorry.
- [air horn blowing.]
- Tongs down! Your Lord and Flavior is upon you.
Uh - Uh - Hi, Mr.
Scoville.
Wow, that is fun hair.
[laughs.]
Seeing it in person, lucky me.
Whoo! And your cologne! Wow, that is [inhales.]
that's great.
You don't get that aspect on TV, do you? Anyways, Chip can I call you Chip? I'm talking too much.
You see, I put Wayne in this position.
This is too long.
Anyways, can you just please go easy on him? "Easys" are for Sunday mornings, and last time I checked, it's Bro-derday.
Now hit me with your pork.
[tense music.]
[sniffs.]
Now let's see how it donkey-kicks my taste-budoodles.
Your sauce is a total loss.
[retches.]
This is the worst day of my life.
- Why did you make me do this? - Oh, Wayne, I'm so sorry.
So, uh, your whole "footprints in the sand" thing really blew up in my face.
- Wayne is so upset.
- Boy, you're really not getting this.
You are still on the beach, okay? You're still living the allegory.
So just keep on walking down that beach.
I mean, I carried that guy a really long way.
My dogs were barking.
You know, maybe I'm not getting it 'cause I can't picture it.
Were you carrying the guy, like, fireman style? Or, like, a bride over the threshold? It was face-to-face, like how you would carry a toddler.
Really? So, like, with his legs wrapped around you? And your hands on his butt? Yeah, we called it a "Jericho Sleigh Ride.
" It was a pretty standard mode of transportation back then.
[quietly.]
It was a different time.
Look, just buck up and keep going.
I think I'm finally understanding.
I wasn't carrying him, I was pushing him.
I just wanted him to see how great he is.
- Or you wanted you to see how great he is.
- [chuckles.]
What? I'm just saying, maybe Wayne's carrying you.
Maybe you're about to learn something.
Ugh! How did that guy not know your hands were on his butt? Oh, maybe he was asleep? I mean, that had to be it, right? Otherwise, you'd just be creepily staring into each other's eyes? Jesus? [tires screech.]
You still eating on that? Well, it's good to the last drop, baby.
- I know.
- [sighs.]
I'm sorry, Wayne.
You are so great, and your frickin' barbecue is so great.
I just wanted you to see that.
Jenny, I'm good.
And I know my barbecue's good.
- Good.
- And I wasn't down on myself until it seemed like you were down on myself.
I wasn't down on you.
Then why'd you force me into the cook-off? I guess I did need to prove something to myself.
Or maybe to Mother? But your barbecue and you are already amazing.
- I'm just such a dang ding-dong.
- Jenny, I have a idea.
[insects trilling.]
[radio plays.]
BETTY: Oh, Betty, what the hell are you gonna do? Goin' beach to beach with my baby [cheering.]
Beach music in a traveling show Sittin' in my car with my baby Beach music on the radio - Got our beach T-shirts - BOTH: Oh! And beach blond hair Sand in our flip-flops and our underwear Goin' beach-to-beach With my beachy beach baby Beach-to-beach with my beachy beach girl All you need is music and a beach And a man and a lady Beach.
BRENDA: So back to see your handiwork? Yeah.
I didn't get to fill the thought bubble in, but I think it's still gonna get my message across: - pigs have thoughts and feelings.
- [laughter.]
CHARLES LEE [laughing.]
: Look at that pig! - He's fartin'! - JIMMY LEE: A farting pig? - That's hilarious.
- Oh - What? - CHARLES LEE: That funny farting pig is really making me want to eat more barbecue.
Yeah, yesterday I got kind of depressed thinking about how intelligent pigs are.
But this fun drawing has really lightened the mood.
- I thought you didn't eat meat.
- I just realized something.
Pigs aren't as smart as people they're clearly way smarter.
And if we don't eat them, they're gonna take over.
True 'dat.
Whoo! [sighs.]
[gasps.]
Betty.
Thank the beach.
For a minute, I thought you weren't comin'.
I've thought about it.
I've dreamt about it.
You're offering me a life of glitz and glamour, soft rocking our way through the finest Native American gambling establishments through all the Southeast.
But I'm a star right here in Greenpoint the star of my family.
I'm La Toya Jackson, and they are whoever those other Jacksons are.
My family's my entourage, and they need me to survive.
I can't say I didn't see this coming, but [van engine starts.]
- Well, I guess this is it.
- Honey, this is not it.
You're gonna be wading through my low tide at The Durham Craft Beer and Catfish Bash in September.
See you soon, Mr.
Ocean.
- Not if I smell you first.
- [van chirps.]
[whirring and grinding.]
You know what? I got stuff to do.
WAYNE: It's time for Chip to taste my real barbecue.
[door opens.]
Ding-dong doodle, broseef.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't just barge in here.
Oh, hey.
You're the guy with that vinegar bomb from yesterday that nearly threatened my sobriety.
Chip, he is such a huge fan.
He's-he's seen every episode of D3 multiple times.
If he's a true fan, he's seen the online aftershow of season four, episode three.
- The Meat Diaper Challenge.
- If your slather don't stick BOTH: You must acquit.
Blango tango.
Hang on, boys.
Looks like we got a true-blue fanaroo here.
It's true, Mr.
Bro-sident in Chef.
All right.
Hand me that pan.
But this better knock the chain off my wallet.
[grunting, munching.]
: Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, hoss, your sauce is boss! [air horn blowing.]
[music.]
Mm.
Oh, yeah Oh, yeah Oh, yeah - Oh, yeah - Chicka, chicka - Baby, you just got bro-fingered.
- Oh, yeah.
- [air horn sound effect plays.]
- Chicka, chicka.
Well, Jenny, you were right.
Wayne's an entre-pray-newer after all.
Here you go.
Got one for you.
Right here.
Thank you very much.
Who knows people were dying for a way to burn off all that barbecue.
- [gunshot.]
Run, you beautiful beasts! - [ostriches chittering.]
Devil birds, you'll never catch me, my babies! - Oh! It got me! - [ostrich chirping.]
- Oh, Lord, look away, Violet.
- RANDY: Oh-ee! - I've already seen it.
- [Randy grunting.]
RANDY: Ow! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ooh.
[laughs.]
Ow!