Bless This Mess (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

In Hot Water

1 I'm so excited to sell some eggs.
Last night, I found 56 in their little coop! RIO: I know.
I checked this morning, and there were, like, five dozen.
Sitting on a gold mine! All right, you ready? - Uh, yeah.
- One two three! [RUMBLING] And one, two, three.
[RUMBLING] Whoo! [CHUCKLES] - We're so in sync, baby.
- Like a Swiss timepiece.
Yeah.
Oh, what's this oatmeal soap? This is cute.
I have not bought oatmeal soap, so I would drop whatever - you're holding.
- Oh.
[SCREAMS] Cold! Cold, cold, cold, - cold, cold, cold! - What was that explosion? I don't know.
What was that? - Is it the hot water heater? - [SCREAMS] Get out now! Save yourself! I can't! I haven't shaved my pits in, like, two weeks! I don't care about that.
No, I'm doing it for me.
But thank you for being so body positive.
Mom, the water heater's broken, so we're taking old-timey baths.
- It's really cool.
- Rio, you need a warm shower.
Cousin Emily took cold showers.
Now she's got adult acne.
We've got 12 pots of water.
That's all it takes just to fill it up ankle level.
It's kind of romantic just, like, soaking in each other's broth, you know? Oh, hey.
It's my mom.
[HUSHED] [HUSHED] Oh, wow, how exciting.
[NORMAL VOICE] Mom, I-I have to go because Mike's waiting.
Mike's waiting.
King Mike who dragged you to live in Nebraska in his castle made of garbage?! I will send him your best.
- All right, bye.
- [WATER BOILING] Did she, uh, say some nasty stuff about me? - No.
- She does not like me.
Stop it.
She loves you.
[BOILING CONTINUES] Okay, who's going first? - [GROANS] - Ha ha.
[SIGHS] This is actually really beautiful out here.
It's just I feel like it's quaint, you know? Like, this is how you should [SCREAMS] Oh, my God, we need to fix the water heater! Right now! Look, we can get a new water heater if we tap into the savings.
- Mm.
- But we don't have any.
- Sure.
- So here's my pitch.
- Uh-huh.
- The hens are are laying eggs, and we can take them to the farmers' market - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
I could dust off the old therapy jersey and look for some therapy patients here.
You know, it's like, obviously, I left that in New York, but That's a great idea.
I'm a little nervous how many takers you'd have.
We could obviously always ask my mom for some help.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We don't need to do that.
But what do I what do I know? I bet therapy would work well here.
You really don't want my mom to help.
I guess I just thought, when we moved 1,500 miles away, that she would be, you know, a little less involved in our lives.
And that I would be, you know, free.
- Free? - Well, no, not not that word.
- Love, when you married me - Yeah.
You married my mom.
I mean, that became very clear when she did vows at our ceremony.
She didn't do vows at our ceremony.
She She had a poem that she wanted to read that was ill-timed.
[CELLPHONE RINGS, VIBRATES] Oh, boy.
Here she is.
Listen, I-I-I think it's time for us to stand on our own two feet, okay - Okay - and do this on our own.
We We got to tell Donna no.
Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and let you do that.
All right.
Hi, Donna.
Uh, I'm answering Rio's phone.
Mike, I need to confirm the address for the water-heater delivery.
The guy said he can't find "Dirt Road" on his apps.
Oh, you know, that's so generous of you to offer a water heater, but, um - Take the water heater - no.
- Excuse me? - We're gonna handle it ourselves.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, absolutely.
No problem, Mike.
Goodbye.
[HORNS HONKING] Well Donna's.
Been.
Handled.
Good.
Luck.
With.
That.
Oy.
Well, you see, I want my booth to be simple but catchy, so I'm gonna go with "The Egg Man.
" - What do you think? - "The Egg Man.
" I like it.
- Yeah.
- Haunting visual.
Sticks with you.
Mm, good.
[SIGHS] You guys done yet? You know, I-I got to get to my scrapbooking.
[CASH REGISTER BEEPING] You may have just observed me hiding from Constance.
Things have been a little awkward with us lately.
Oh, just lately they got awkward? Yeah, she asked me out.
I said no.
I've been trying to get her to ask me out again, but she won't take the bait.
Well, look, buddy.
You just got to keep trying.
She'll be back on that Rudy hook in no time.
That's a little graphic, Mike.
I don't care for it.
No, no, I was just building on your "bait" metaphor - the the - That'll do, Mike.
Okay, listen.
You got to get your head in the game.
- Okay.
- It's show time.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
Constance.
Rudy.
Mike and I are going to the farmers' market in Lincoln.
Can I purchase you anything? Well, if you see something that I might like.
- Oh.
- Will do.
- There we go.
- [BELL DINGS] Oh, hey, husband.
- You got your flyers? - Yeah.
- Oh, wow, they're great.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, good luck.
- Thanks, honey.
You, too.
- Mm.
- Okay.
No, Rudy, we're not there.
- Okay.
- We are not there.
Hey, do these work? I sort of need them to work, so "Do you know what's wrong with you? I do!" Yeah, it's more, "Do you know what's wrong with you? Don't worry about it" That's the subtext "I do.
" Is that for therapy? Yeah.
I mean, if you don't like that one, this one is, "Do you cry at night? - Try doing it during the day.
" - No.
"Got a screw loose? Let me tighten it.
" Rio, are you looking for people who like talking about themselves? Desperately, yes.
Ever scrapbooked? What? - like scalloped.
- Who's got the snowflake tape? Got to check out these decorative scissors, Deb.
- Look at that.
- Oh, I love that little braid.
You know, what is truly shocking is that you brought Rio, Constance.
Mostly because I didn't invite her.
Oh, I'm like, I can hear you, Kay, when you say that.
- I know.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - I'm here because I wanted to ask - The theme is "vacation.
" Did you bring some vacation pictures? Oh, uh, vacation, huh? Well, I brought two photos You brought two photos to scrapbooking? Well, that's not a book.
That's just scraps! - [LAUGHTER] - Oh.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES] Look, I-I'm not sure if you ladies, uh, know this, but I-I'm actually a licensed therapist [SOFTLY] Does anybody have the glitter? - What? - No one can hear anything you say, Clara.
I would love to offer my services, see if anyone was interested in paying to have someone listen to them or provide insight People pay to talk to you? - Uh, yes.
- So I could've been charging this whole time? [LAUGHS] You owe me $40.
You owe me $50.
You owe me thousands of dollars.
[BIRDS CHIRPING] - Uh, Miss Rio? - Yes? Do you want me to dry your page for you? - Oh, uh, sure, yes.
- Yeah? - Okay.
- I think.
Is that a Yeah, I'm the dryer to today.
- Oh, my God.
- [THUD] - Jacob.
- Huh? Why are you shaking? Did you have too many cookies? Okay, Mom, don't you have to - Is he diabetic? - No.
Nope.
Linda, oh, my God, look at how much glitter you're putting around your photo.
I could never put that much sparkle on myself.
Sometimes even just the glue stick is a bit sassy.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] - Why do you think that is? Just dull cardboard borders, just fine for old Deb.
You know, we call that negative self talk when we talk o-ourselves down.
I sort of feel like you are a sparkly unicorn.
You know what I mean? [SCOFFS] A unicorn? Is that the kind of thing you talk about in therapy? I thought it was like, "I had a dream about a talking dog.
What does it mean?" Hmm, depends what the dog's saying.
- Rio, dear - Yes? please don't peddle your wares here.
U-Uh, nothing personal.
We had to shut Clara down when she was pushing those insane necklaces made out of bunny bones.
Oh, and then there were sea horses.
- What? - Sea horses.
Oh, God.
I mean, no one is gonna pay you to tell us what our dreams mean.
Every dream I have, I'm the Queen of England, and and I'm married to a pile of money.
Case closed.
Do you guys want to see my head on a cat? Deb, are you still working on that page about our trip to Okoboji? - Yes, yep, yep.
- Girl! That's the summer of '97.
I remember when we Aww, it's Morris.
I haven't seen this picture in a very long time.
You know, I-I saw some some coconut stickers somewhere, and I, uh I'm gonna go get them.
I'll be right back.
- Oh, boy! - [GASPS] Sorry.
Uh Kay locks me in here until scrapbooking's done.
I can't go back until the timer goes off.
[SIGHS, SNIFFS] Uh, meat kebab? [CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES] I've got five.
There's only one of me.
Or two of us.
[CHUCKLES] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] I'm looking for a gift for a lady sheriff who's also the proprietor of a store.
I got some gouda.
Okay, I don't know what that is, but I know it's not cheese.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS] - Oh.
Hey.
Okay, okay.
Hello! Mike, so nice to see your face.
- Where Where are you? - [GRUNTS] A-At the gym, or Are you on a boat? Circuit training.
Listen, my sister's daughter's orthodontist has a son at the University of Nebraska.
Name is Seth.
Studying to be a computer engineer.
Did you know the starting salary for a computer engineer is a million bucks? I don't think that could be right, Donna.
What do you know? So I could have him down there in a flash, help you sell the eggs.
Well, that is a white-hot offer, but you can tell that geek to go ahead and stay home.
I've got everything here under control.
- DANIKA: Hey! Excuse me, sir? - What's happening? - Egg Man! - Yeah? - What are you doing here? - Me? - What's happening, Mike? - Or maybe not.
Anyways, I got to go.
Beautiful bicep work.
[SIGHS] Am I doing this right? Hi.
You can't just set up wherever you want.
Look, I-I-I'm sorry.
I thought it was kind of like first-come, first-serve.
So, w-where do you have us? Farm-fresh eggs.
- Get your farm-fresh eggs.
- [TOILET FLUSHES] Ohh! Oh, my gosh! Ohh! - [CLEARS THROAT] - [KNOCK ON TABLE] Hey.
I think they sent someone to get more toilet paper.
I don't know when they're gonna be back.
Um, I'm looking for The Egg Man.
Oh! Ha, yes! - I'm The Egg Man! - Hi.
Oh, this is so exciting.
How many, uh, cartons can I get you? - Uh Two? - I'll take all your eggs.
You want all the eggs.
Well, you can have 'em.
Yeah.
There's, uh, $400 in this envelope.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my four wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Nebraska Donna must have sent you.
- You're Seth, aren't you? - No.
Oh, really? What do you think of the, uh, dark web? It's the one true Internet.
Yeah, I knew it.
That's such a textbook computer-geek answer.
Listen, Don Donna's not gonna buy me off.
You take your money.
I don't want your filthy money.
- No, take the money.
- No, no, you take Hey, hey, hey.
Give me these eggs! - Put those eggs down! - I want your eggs! - DANIKA: Hey! - Seth, put the eggs down! She said she'd help with my student loans! Are you Are you shoving kids? Don't let those braces fool you.
He was sent by a woman in New York, - and he's trying to buy all my eggs! - Okay, pack up, you're done.
Our security guy's getting fresh juice, but he'll be back in 15, and he's gonna kick your ass.
Doesn't sound very farmers' market-y.
Do you remember, uh, the time Morris bought that waffle maker? Yeah, he was waffling everything that shouldn't be waffled.
How about the time remember he had drank six Long Island Iced Teas before he realized there was booze in them? [LAUGHS] Yes, I found him fully clothed in our shower the next day.
[BOTH LAUGH] - You have any 3s? - Ah! Yes.
It's good to talk about Morris.
He was a good friend.
I miss him.
Well, you're lucky to have Kay, someone who really knows you.
You know? You ever feel like the person you've known your whole life is really just a stranger? I'm just kidding.
[CHUCKLES] Do you have any 9s? You wish.
Go fish! - [GROANS] - [LAUGHS] - Okay.
- Yeah, buster.
- So, "I deserve" - I deserve this sticker! RIO: Exactly.
I deserve love, and I deserve happiness.
And I And I just put a sticker on my face! - [GIGGLES] - That's very sparkly.
And it feels good, right? - Give me one of those flyers.
- It feels really good.
- Yeah, I'll take a flyer, too.
- Yeah? Kay, you've got to let her do your pages.
Rio, um, can I just talk to you for a second? - Of course, like - Thank you.
I totally get it.
You keep all that glitter up.
[DEB GIGGLING] Mrs.
Olsen is a good friend of mine.
- Oh, okay.
- And she has really desperately needed someone to talk to ever since her brother moved to Venice - to row those Italian boats.
- Oh, gondolas.
I told her you'd be over A.
S.
A.
P.
- Oh, now.
- So just ride your bike down Old Trail - Old Trail - and then you're gonna turn on - Elkhorn Lake Road - Elkhorn Lake Road.
- and then you'll see it.
- When I come back? - Yeah? - Do you mind seating me - by Clara? - Sure.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] Hi, Mike.
Did you sell any eggs yet? Well, zero, but it's not my fault.
Your mother infiltrated the farmers' market.
Oh, it's my mom's fault? Cool.
Well, I'm heading to see a potential new client, but I think I'm a little lost.
I'm on Elkhorn Lake Road.
I'm about to turn off right now, all right? No, no, no, don't don't turn off of Elkhorn Lake Road.
Why? I already did it.
Elkhorn Lake Road is named after Elkhorn Lake, - which is right on the edge of - [SCREAMING] - H-Honey? - [SCREAMING] - Rio, w-what's happening? Are you okay? - Back pedal, back pedal! There's a lake! Rio! Oh, my God! - [GASPING] - Honey, honey! Rio.
Rio? Rio? Rio? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATES] - Oh, hello? - You know Rio's in a lake, right? - Yes, I know That just happened.
How do you know that? I track her phone, dumb nuts.
Now, I'm dialing her right now, and I'm merging calls.
No, Donna, I don't need you involved in this right now.
- Do not merge us.
- I'm merging.
- Don't merge.
Don't - I merged.
I merged.
- Mom? Mike? - Honey, are you okay? Do not swallow lake water.
- There are parasites! - What? Donna, do you see how you're complicating this? - Let me check on my Honey - I don't understand - Are you okay? - the words you're saying.
Hello.
Tell your husband to respect me! Donna, I need you to buzz off and leave us alone, okay?! Stop it! Both of you! You are driving me crazy right now.
You are the two people that I love the most in the world, so just shut up and figure it out.
Ohh, God.
Disgusting.
[DISTORTED] Hello, Rio, are you What? Oh, wow, you, uh, really didn't hit the brakes, did you? Nope, I did not.
[LAUGHS] Oh, come on.
My sorority pulled much worse pranks.
- Really? - Yeah, one time they sold me on eBay for a dollar.
[CHUCKLING] It was funny.
Was it? Anyway, I'm so sorry that no one will pay to talk to you.
It's okay.
[CHUCKLES] I just I realized that I really miss helping people.
It's, like It's, like, the one thing I'm really I'm really good at, you know? That and debate.
But I feel like my mom probably paid off most of the kids to lose.
But a person who sends another person into a pond of manure, of just ass poo, is hiding a lot of pain.
I'm gonna go home.
There's something in my shoe and, uh, it's alive.
Oh.
MIKE: Listen.
Sorry about before, but Rio's mad.
We got to do better.
I'll go first.
You know, I get upset when you offer us stuff because I feel like you don't believe in me.
- That's not what I'm saying.
- Come on.
I know you don't like me.
You can say it.
You know what? You're right.
I don't really like you that much.
Yes! See?! Oh! The truth it feels so good, right? I don't like your whole vibe, you know? "Everything's gonna be great if only we love each other!" - That whole thing annoys me.
- Mmm.
- You're too tall.
- What can I do about that? Why does a person need to be that tall? And you're way overconfident - with your restaurant recommendations.
- Okay.
Fantastic.
Now I know how you feel, and you know how I feel, so in the future, if we need help, we'll reach out.
How's that sound? Ugh, they put so much mayonnaise in this egg salad.
This is disgusting.
- I asked you to leave an hour ago.
- Mike? Clarence is ready to forcibly remove you.
- And we're dating - Where did you go? so he will protect me with his life.
Wait a minute.
Who's that? Somebody's kicking you out? - Let me talk to them.
- No, Donna, we just went over this.
If If I need your help Actually, you're on with Danika.
Enjoy.
Hello.
I'm the person who's gonna shut you down for violating every major health code, Danika.
You don't want a piece of this, baby.
I get full refunds for things I didn't even buy including automobiles! I get pilots kicked off of planes.
I'm the reason you can only leave three reviews a day on Yelp.
Believe me, young lady, I am not to be trifled with.
[CHUCKLES] [WATER RUNNING] Knock, knock! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] - [WATER STOPS] - Oh, sorry.
You know what? I thought you might want this, so, um, I don't know what a bat mitzvah is, but the photo was amusing.
Can I come in? Um, yeah.
Here.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
[BOOK THUDS] Rio, I'm so sorry that I sent you into that poo-poo pond.
Oh, so there was manure in it, right? Oh, yeah, a lot.
But as long as you closed your mouth when you went in, you should be fine.
Right.
You know what, Kay? Don't even sweat it.
I feel like everyone, at some point in their life, gets sent into a poo-poo pond of some sort.
Do you ever feel like you're just covered in poo? Like, not literal poo, but kind of emotional poo? Only all the time.
Whew.
Kay, uh, would you, um want to do a therapy session, just you and me? - Okay, no way.
- Okay.
- What are you talking about? - I-I just That's only for, you know, people on Twitter or sad people.
But I could maybe just do a, um maybe like a one-on-one "scrapbooking session"? Oh.
Yes.
- Okay, I brought my kit.
- Great.
Before we do the scrapbooking page about the family reunion where I cooked for 25 people and not one person said "thank you," I just want to make sure that everything that happens in scrapbooking stays between us.
Oh, yeah, this is a private scrapbooking session.
- Protected by HIPAA.
- Okay, good.
So, the first things first, I am gonna fix your water heater.
- Oh.
- You need to take a shower.
You smell like hot mayonnaise.
- You know how to do that? - Where is it? - It's over here.
- Okay, great.
- Oh, God! Rio! - I'm sorry, it's [BELL DINGS] Constance.
I brought you something back from the farmers' market.
Oh.
Thank you.
The sales lady said that women have reclaimed that word, that now it embodies female empowerment.
She also said that it's pronounced, "that bitch" or "that bitch!" [SIGHS] Yeah, uh, thank you.
[BIRDS CHIRPING] I hoped you'd like it, but I realized I don't know what you like.
I don't know much about you at all.
Yeah, I suppose you don't.
But not getting to know you, that would be one of my greatest regrets.
You know, I-I was thinking about going to the county fair in a couple weeks.
And maybe you could come with me? Oh, I would like that very much, Constance.
Good.
Because I am that bitch.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] - Huh? Okay.
Ooh, baby.
[LAUGHS] All I ask, baby I love you so, oh, yeah And I'd never, pretty baby I'd never let you [SEDUCTIVELY] Hello.
I hope I'm not misreading your cues but, do you want to do some sex stuff against the broken hot water heater? [CHUCKLES] It's fixed.
- No! - [LAUGHS] Yes.
No, who fixed it?! I worked something out with my new therapy patient! - [GASPS] You got a patient?! - Yes! Oh, I have so many guesses who it could be.
- Tell me.
- I can't.
- Oh, so much integrity.
- You know.
- Such a good therapist.
- [CHUCKLES] Honey, I want to talk to you about something.
What? I am genuinely sorry about my mom.
- I feel like - No, no, no, no, no.
I am sorry.
- No.
- I-I'm sorry about your mom.
And we had a breakthrough today.
- You did? - She told me she doesn't like me! - [CHUCKLES] She sugarcoated it! - Yeah! And she promised to call a little bit less.
- All right, well - Yes.
- What the hell are you guys doing? - Oh, my gosh.
- My mom is in your pants.
- I forgot.
I was afraid to hang up 'cause, you know, she gets so angry.
No, that adds up.
M-Mom - Rio, are you there? - H-Hi.
Your husband is very needy, but we'll talk about that on Sunday.
Okay.
I I love you.
At least you guys still have chemistry.
G-Good hearing from you.
Put you there.
My number-one smokeshow.
Yeah, that feels right.
Jacob, what are you doing? Mom, it's nothing! God! Just leave me alone! - Ugh! - [DOOR SLAMS]