Blue Mountain State (2009) s02e01 Episode Script

The Fingering

Win! Win! Win! How many of these are we doing, Harmon? Win! This a little too much for you, Moran? The heat? Yeah, yeah, a little bit.
Really? - Win! Hey, what do you think your value is to this team? My value? The answer is you have no value.
You're nothing.
You're an unmotivated pussy.
Okay, just give it to me straight, Coach.
Shut up.
I've got 20 boosters breathing down my neck.
I've got a defense with more holes to fill than your mother, and my star running back decides he wants to play in Georgia.
I don't need your shit right now! Georgia Tech.
You know, your head was on the chopping blocks after last year's bowl loss in Louisiana.
Oh, you didn't know that, did you? Well, I've found a use for you this year.
I brought in a new quarterback.
Yeah, I heard about that.
This year, you're gonna earn your value by making sure he's happy.
As long as he's happy and productive, you're gonna have a spot on this team.
When can I meet him? Win! Win! Showtime, baby.
What's up, Coach? Meet your new quarterback, Moran.
Who the hell is this guy? I have no idea, man.
And why doesn't Coach let the rest of us wear thongs to practice? 'Cause when I get locked in, I'm, like, unstoppable.
I'm like a comet, an enigma.
You know what I'm saying? I think I do.
I hate him.
You're our quarterback, brobeans, not him.
Yeah, but, desperate times, I guess.
He's all right.
He says he's never been injured, which is great for me.
You get a quarterback This is my last year before I go pro.
I need to leave this school a champion.
We can't trust him.
Plus, you don't want a freshman starting over you.
Yes, I do.
Thad, yes, I do.
Every time, so I Hey, Baywatch, why don't you go back to the locker room and put some real clothes on? These are clothes, Lurch.
Anyway, like I was saying I'm sorry, what did you call me? Lurch, from The Addams Family.
Harmon, Harmon.
I'm sorry.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm your team captain.
My team don't have a captain, actually.
Really? Well, try this one on for size.
Take a lap.
You take a lap.
You take a lap, or two! If I take two laps, then I might as well run all the way home.
Maybe you should.
That sounds like a wonderful idea! Fine.
Peace out, homie.
Thad, Thad, Thad.
Peace out.
Peace out, you too, homie.
What's the problem, Radon? Man, I'm out.
I quit this dumb school.
No, no, no, no, nobody's quitting.
It's just a misunderstanding.
Thad's an idiot.
Man, this dude's trying to tell me I ain't dressed.
All right, just take a deep breath.
Radon, look at me.
Look at him.
Whenever you have a problem, you just go see Moran here, because he's your problem solver.
I get a problem solver? Yes.
What's six times six? This guy's good.
I'm back in, Coach.
So where did you play again? 'Cause I couldn't find anything on you.
Oh, all over the place.
Saint John's, Saint Peter's, Saint Matthew's, Saint Luke's, Saint Patrick's.
Then when I went to high school, I moved around a lot.
Saint Jean's, Devotion Prep, Rikers, and now I'm here.
Wait, wait, Rikers? Like the prison? Oh, yeah.
Do I have a surprise for you! Sammy, this is Radon.
Radon, this is my best friend, Sammy.
What up, dawg? One, two, three.
Surprise! What's up, Alex? Holy shit.
Mary Jo.
It's my sister.
I know.
What are you doing here? It's a new day, Alex.
I came to drink and be a cheerleader.
That's good.
Oh, she's drinking.
She's drinking.
Okay, okay, that's enough.
Sammy, if I wanted a drunk telling me not to drink, I'd still be living with dad.
Fair enough.
I've changed, Alex.
Yeah? I used to not have boobs, and now I have them.
Oh, my! And the world's opened up to me in ways you can't even imagine.
Oh, no, I think I can imagine pretty well.
Think about it.
Me, you, Sammy traveling to games together.
Staying in hotels, going to bars and drinking, and then, after, going to parties, and then going back to the hotels and partying.
I like partying.
Just like we used to talk about.
We didn't talk about this.
Me and Mary Jo did.
Who's this? Girls, I'd like you to meet your new cheerleader, Mary Jo.
I grabbed her a uniform out of the locker room.
She's not a cheerleader unless we say she's a cheerleader.
Take that uniform off and get in line with the other freshmen.
Hold on, hold on.
She's my sister.
She deserves a little respect.
Oh! Respect, like this uniform, is earned.
You guys seem like a couple of real cool sluts.
Let's go, ladies! - Yeah! Welcome to Freshman Hell Week.
Your first assignment is to feel the upperclassmen's boobs and guess their cup size.
If you're wrong, we spank you.
Yo, so this is free? Like, we can just sit here and watch this, and we don't owe no money? No.
Welcome to college, buddy.
" Correct.
Okay, okay.
Hold on, hold on.
If she's getting hazed, I'm getting hazed, too.
But you're not a freshman.
No, no, Mary Jo and I come as a team.
You realize that if you don't complete the hazing, you'll no longer be our mascot.
Yeah, I think I can handle it, Kate.
Girls guess boob size.
Guys guess dick length.
Seriously? Yeah.
Hard or soft? Hello.
Hey, Bill.
Marty Daniels, Blue Mountain State.
How are you doing? Hey, Marty.
What can I do for you, pal? Don't read anything into this, but I'm just putting out some feelers.
You got anything open down in Miami? Openings? You mean for you? Yeah, like I said, it's nothing big.
It's just we all gotta move on at some point, and I'm just calling around.
Well, we don't have anything here right now, but we might have a line job at the end of the year or something.
How desperate are you? Who said I was desperate? You fall off the wagon again, Marty? You know what? Why don't you just take your line coach position and shove it? I wouldn't come down to Miami if you paid me.
That's too bad, Marty.
I was just about to make you a huge offer.
Hey, and how's your wife doing? That's right, you don't know.
Hey, you keep Debra out of this.
I'm gonna hang up now, Marty.
Good luck this season, pal.
You're gonna need it.
No, no, wait, wait.
I'm gonna hang up on you.
You don't hang up on me.
I'm gonna hang up on you.
I'm hanging up.
And I hate tuna.
What? What? I don't have $500.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Hey, look it's Radon! Let me just get it.
It's Radon.
Let me just get it, okay? Is that okay? Okay.
- Yo, did Yuri find you? Don't listen to him, man.
We don't owe him shit.
He's walking out of my room with my TV as we speak.
Yo, listen, I need you at my place now.
There are some serious problems that need solving, man.
Hurry up.
Radon? Oh, my God! Get me out of here! Holy shit! What button do I press? I don't know what button to press.
There's so many buttons.
Press something.
Oh shit.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, thank God.
You're alive? Woo! Holy shit, that sucked.
Yeah, but you got baked out of your mind though, right? What is this thing? Do you sleep in this thing? Man, I sleep in there, party in there.
I do whatever in there, baby.
It's my hyperbaric chamber, man.
You know what I'm saying? It gets your platelet levels going and your hemoglobin and your DNA and shit.
got one, man.
Hey, but listen, I'm gonna need you to solve another problem for me.
Yeah, I'm gonna need you to take this condom off me.
My skin don't react well to latex.
And, you know, gotta take care of the throwing hand.
Blue 18.
Blue 18.
Set, hut, hut.
It's a run.
It's a run.
Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Yes! That's my QB! Pulling a condom off that guy's schlong might have been your first real contribution to this team, moron.
Second team.
Hey, man, make me look good, all right? Problem solver.
Blue 18.
Blue 18.
Moran, you had a man wide open downfield.
What, are you freaking blind? Hey, nice dump-off, dumpy.
Yeah, you straight-up suck, moron.
You asked me to make you look good.
I did? When did I do that? Yeah.
That really happened I bet.
Hey, stop touching me, man.
- Party tonight! - Look out, man.
Let's sweat it all off, baby! Okay, girls, ready? Lick, drink, suck! Go! Cacciatore! You, turn your pom-poms in.
Everyone else, grab a camera and take a picture making out with a football player.
That's a lot of hair in your mouth.
I have a confession to make.
Oh? I didn't just come here to drink.
I also came here to be a doctor and to see you.
I know you like me, Alex.
That's an understatement.
But you're Sammy's sister.
And besides, he wouldn't care.
Okay, that's good.
That's enough.
Man, it is tough to find a football player who'll kiss me.
Absolutely not, no.
Why? Why are you doing this anyway? Ask me again later when I'm touching boobs.
So here we go.
Ready? Let's get one No.
Radon! Radon? Somebody's calling Radon out here.
Yo, what up, dawg? It's your boy Radon Randell, baby, AKA The Unidentified Black Male coming at you live, baby, from BMS.
We're about to get it started.
Hey, yo, I'm gonna need all y'all to get up out of my shot.
You know what I'm saying? Oww! What are you doing? I'm drinking, and I'm about to jump over this caddy.
Get out of the way, Moran.
He's a gifted athlete.
Oh, yeah.
This about to be all over the inter-web, baby.
The what? Drive at me! Come on, baby.
Drive at me! All right, fine.
Kill yourself.
I'll start.
I don't even care anymore.
Wait, wait.
What did you just say to me? I'm starting, 'cause it's easier than babysitting your ass.
You wouldn't be able to start a conversation.
I done dealt with people like you before, Adam.
You're scared of the spotlight.
You started the bowl game last year and you sucked.
You sucked at sucking.
You can't even suck good.
I played with two broken ribs because of you.
Hey, just forget it, Adam.
Leave the heavy lifting to the big boys, man.
Just forget it about it, Adam.
It's Alex.
Blue 16.
Blue 16.
Check wild.
Check wild.
You're not fooling anybody, moron.
That was pretty good.
Well, look who showed up today.
Hut! - Yeah! Congratulations, freshmen.
You've made it through Hell Week.
Yeah, I just want to go on record as saying this hazing was bullshit.
I didn't touch one boob.
Well, now's your chance, Sammy.
For your final challenge before earning the uniforms, all freshmen must sleep with the mascot.
Yeah! Yes! Now you have to do What? Come on.
I can't sleep with the mascot.
He's my brother.
Oh, that's right.
Well, there's always next year.
Maybe next time you'll think twice before you show up to a tryout wearing the team uniform.
Oh, yeah? Well, you You have sad tits, Kate.
Not yours, Kara.
I kind of like yours.
Hey, Coach, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to meet with me today, but this problem solver is not working out and I'm gonna need another one.
Radon, at the beginning of the week I thought you were gonna be my starting quarterback.
And now I'm not so sure.
Forget this, man.
I'm out of here.
I don't gotta put up with this.
Where are you gonna go, Radon? You gonna play another year at Rikers? If you want to play for me, you gotta earn it.
Otherwise I'm gonna ship you back to that Detroit shithole I pulled you out of.
Are we clear? Coach, look, I was just trying to shut him up.
I'm not a starter.
I've been trying to get an upper hand on that kid ever since I recruited him.
And now I have it.
It's you, Moran.
Huh? What happened to you two? She's just pissed because they want us to bang each other.
Who wanted you to bang each other? Radon wants to see you.
He's not going anywhere without me.
Let's go.
I mean, what do they have that we don't have? Do you remember what Dad used to say? "Only losers puke"? No, he said, "If you want muff, you take muff.
" Now, I thought it was inappropriate then, but now I understand.
Where are you going? Hey, look, I know you're angry, all right? But let me talk to Coach Daniels and then we'll square this No more Daniels.
This QB controversy is between me and you only.
Adam Moran, I challenge you to a duel.
Can we help you? Yeah, I need to be a cheerleader.
Well, that is wonderful, but like we told you, if you want to join our squad, you have to sleep with the mascot.
So turn around and run home, little girl.
Let's get out of here.
Forget them, Mary Jo.
Let's just get out of here.
The rules are simple.
We each take 10 steps, turn and shoot.
Whoever doesn't get shot is QB-1.
What? Yes! Duel to the death! Look, Daniels is just messing with you, all right? He's trying to prove a point.
You can start.
I don't care Come on.
I thought you were here to protect me.
I was, but this is perfect.
Who's it gonna be? Who's gonna bring me my title? My God, this is ridiculous.
We aim for the legs.
Anything above the legs is a foul.
Ready? No.
No, I'm not doing One, two, three Four, five, six, seven Come on, man.
Look, I'll go to another school.
Eight, nine, ten.
Okay? No, all right? Hey, don't shoot.
All right? No, no.
Hey, everything you said the other night was true, all right? You got me.
I'm afraid.
You were about to let me get hit by that car.
I trusted you.
You were my backup.
He's got a point, Moran.
Look, I'm still your backup.
All right? If we stick together, we can run this school.
But nobody's running anything if one of us gets frigging shot.
Oh, man, somebody shoot somebody.
I'm not leaving till somebody's hurt.
Oh! Give me a break.
Like you're really gonna bang your brother.
They won't do it.
How's this for earning my uniform? Oh! Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you? Right or wrong, that's dedication.
You're in.
You're a cheerleader.
We believe you.
Yeah, we did it! Yeah, we did it! You guys are the best! That's embarrassing.
Look, man, I'm just here to make my mark, let everybody in this school know that I'm the shit and they're about to smell it.
Mission accomplished, my friend.
Trust me on that one.
We're good.
You shot me! Hey, just in case, man.
It's only a scratch though.
I'm a good shot.
Come on! Yeah.
Rule number one in a duel, always bring your own gun.
Look at that shit, man.
I'm helping you out already.
I've got to hand it to the guy.
He knows what it takes to win.
Hello, 9-1-1? I would like to report a shooting at Blue Mountain State.
We need an ambulance.
The shooter? No, he fled the scene.
Yes, ma'am, I can describe him.
He was an unidentified black male.
No, I can't move right now.
- You can move.
Look at you move.
Get out of here.
See? Come on.
Get out of here.
Come on.
Come on.