Blue Mountain State (2009) s02e03 Episode Script

Born Again

Man, so you mean to tell me that you've known this girl most of your life, and you ain't never had sex with her? And you ain't want to? Why? No, no.
No, that's my best friend's sister.
So? I've had sex with all my friends' sisters, and their sisters' sisters.
Man, you trippin'.
Man, that girl's fine.
Hey, baby! No, that's all right.
I'm gonna add her to my list.
No, no, no.
She'll destroy you.
I'm serious.
In high school, she dated the captain of the hockey team, he was all-state, full ride to Michigan.
You know where he is now? No, this is the first time I ever heard of the dude.
He's bagging groceries.
Yeah, she made him so happy that he lost his will to compete.
Most girls are Yoko Ono.
She's like Linda McCartney.
Right now, you're in The Beatles.
You hook up with her, you're gonna end up in Wings.
Who's The Beatles? I swear, you say a comment like that again, and I'm Make out with me.
No, I should pass.
You know I've wanted to french you since kindergarten.
Oh, really? Come on, we're not in Cheyenne anymore.
No one's gonna care.
Hey, Linda, how do you spell your last name? I've got three freshmen starting in the secondary.
That's not good.
On the defensive line, we're pretty, we're pretty veteran I was having a conversation.
I don't give a shit.
Are you aware that 60% of your team has an arrest record? Well, that's better than last year.
Parents are gonna be afraid to send their kids to my school, Marty.
Dean Simon, I'm having a little difficulty understanding you with my ex-wife's tit in your mouth.
Really? Well, you should try it sometime.
Might take the taste of booze and whores out of yours.
You're only with him because you think it pisses me off.
Enough! We have got to work together to turn around the negative image of this team.
Now, I've been in touch with the boosters.
I can't wait to hear this.
We're organizing a charity game between your players and the St.
Mary's church group.
Father West is expecting you and your players at church on Sunday to announce the event, and then we're sending you on a PR tour.
Really? That ain't gonna happen.
This is your boss, Marty, and the boosters are behind us on this.
They think you're finished.
I've told them that I think you've got another title in you.
Don't prove me wrong.
Let's go.
Smile big for the cameras, Coach.
Hey, Warren, you walk like a pussy.
I can't believe we're wasting prime drinking hours going to church.
Moran's right.
This whole religion thing's a crock of shit.
God probably doesn't even exist.
I love Jesus.
He lets you do whatever you wanna do.
All you got to do is apologize after.
I really don't think that's how this works.
Hey, listen.
Trust me, it is.
When I was 10 years old, I burned down my neighbor's house.
My mom made me go see the priest.
The priest told me all I had to do was apologize to Jesus and that would be that.
I've been a believer ever since, baby.
Jesus! Crock of shit, Moran.
Castle, can you give us a few words about the game on Saturday? Yes, but first I'd like to thank my Lord and Savior for making me such an awesome football player.
In the name of the father, and mother and both of their sons.
We are so excited that Coach Daniels and the Mountain Goats have agreed to play us in a good old-fashioned game of charity touch football.
Thanks to their kindness, we'll finally have the money we need to complete our church's renovations.
So, God bless Coach Daniels, God bless the Goats, and God bless the entire BMS football program! Purity.
Pure as the day is long, ladies and gentlemen, that's how we have to be.
Much as a football player has to be pure of mind to get through that game Sorry, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus.
to get through that game of life.
Each and every day, folks, it's fourth and long, and we have to do what we need to do to move those chains.
That's right.
Just as our Lord No, no, no, no, no, no.
Remember what I said? She's off-limits.
Limits are made to be broken.
I do it all the time.
Pauline's a good time.
She's a great time.
She's really nice.
I've already been with Pauline.
We all been with Pauline.
You know that.
Why you bringing up her? Why? Why, why, why her? What do you think? Randell, Moran.
Shut the hell up and get your asses in your seats now! Sorry, Father.
Yeah, so I'm definitely gonna hit you up this week.
I'm gonna take you dancing.
Shut up.
I'm gonna take you dancing.
Yeah, no, you can't sleep with Radon.
'Cause you're jealous, right? No, because he's valuable to me.
The team.
He's valuable to the whole team.
Since when do you tell me who I can and can't sleep with? I know your track record with guys.
I wasn't even thinking of porking Radon, but you just talked me into it.
That guy's gonna owe you a "thank you" card.
This is your team mascot.
He'll be going with you on your PR tour.
Wow! Coach, it will be an honor spending time with you.
You think this is funny, don't you? A little, but don't think for a second that we're bluffing.
Do as you're told or you're gone.
That Dean Simon is a lucky, lucky man.
Wow! Pure as the day is long, ladies and gentlemen, that's how we have to be.
Much as a football player has to be pure of mind to get through that game.
Brian Bosworth? I always said you were God.
Not quite, but thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thad, I have something very important to tell you.
You are gonna go in the top three of next year's NFL draft.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! That would be huge for me! However, in order for this to happen, you must become celibate for the rest of the season.
That means absolutely no sex.
No beav? Fine.
I got a pocket pussy.
No, we won't have any of that.
You will take your little players and keep them in their locker room for the rest of the season.
If I do that, I'll go top three? This is your shot, Thad.
Don't blow it.
Goodbye, Oksana.
Blue 18, blue 18.
Set, hike! That's five sacks today, Randell.
Get your head out of your ass! O-line can't hold him today, Coach! Hey, what'd they put in your steroids today? Born-again virginity.
Brian Bosworth told me, if I go beaver-free, I'm gonna go top three in the draft.
Just a heads up, ladies, I'm beaver-free until further notice.
So don't try and seduce me with your knockers.
It won't work.
You're dismissed.
What kind of idiot gives up sex for football? An idiot who wants to be the best.
I could never give up sex.
That's why you'll never be great.
All right, all right! Homeless people, eat some food.
Eat some free food, guys.
All right, enjoy! Yeah! Okay! Here.
Put this on your head.
I'm not wearing that.
You bet your ass you are.
Yeah, all right, Coach! Yeah, all right! That hairnet looks really stupid on you! Yeah, I can't believe she's making you wear that! Picture time! I'll take some pictures.
Here we go.
No, thank you.
No girls today.
No, I don't want you to look at me.
Your face is awesome and gross.
Why are you wearing lingerie? It's so awesome and sick! Get it off.
Thad Badassle, Saction Four News, here with the biggest sack magnet in BMS history.
Radon Randell, tell us what it's like to suck so bad at football? Some people just have a bad day, man.
Some people eat shit! You know, the only reason why that guy's beating you is 'cause he's given up sex.
If you want the humiliation to end, you gotta do it too.
That's impossible.
It's either that or you go all season with that guy kicking your ass.
Hey, sexy.
I have drinks in my room.
Wanna help me drink them? I gotta go to the bathroom.
A couple days ago, that guy was trying to pork me in a church.
Really? What'd you say to him? I didn't say anything.
Maybe you're not his type.
I'm gonna nail that guy and you can't stop me.
The sight of your awesome boobs disgusts me! Blue 18.
Set Hike! Break it up.
Hey, what is it with you two? You've been at each other's throats all day! He stole my move, Coach! Brian Bosworth came to me and said, if I stop boning sloots, I'll go top three in the draft.
Now this prick is going beaver-free, too.
It's a lifestyle choice, man! Hey, hold on.
Hold on.
Are you trying to tell me that both of you are celibate? Yes, Coach.
Yes, Coach.
I like it.
I like this celibacy thing.
Okay, from this point forward, everybody on this team is celibate.
Jon Jon, call the papers.
I want you to give them the headline, "BMS Team Celibate.
" All right.
Come on, huddle up.
This is only for the starters, right? When I was on beaver, I used to do very bad things.
You guys know.
Most of you were there for it.
It's only been 24 hours for me, but I already feel my balls getting heavier.
And I'm afraid that's gonna affect my kicking.
I'm having serious concerns that if I have to go through this for even one more day, my balls'll go straight-up eat each other.
Have any of you ever tried prayer? Prayer might work for you.
You've never had sex.
You don't know what you're missing.
I, on the other hand, I know exactly what I'm missing.
Excuse me? Hi.
Is this the born-again virgin support group? Jesus Christ Jinsons.
I know what you did.
The thing I miss most about boinking? Hands on my tits.
Marty, this celibacy stunt may have saved your ass.
We were married.
We were celibate for 10 years.
So banging the entire girls' volleyball team was you being celibate? It wasn't the entire team.
Two of them were lesbians.
Coach, I just wanna let you know that I have had the time of my life.
I'm sure glad you enjoyed yourself.
But, Coach, I have something to say that I've wanted to say for a couple days now.
You're acting like their little bitch, okay? There, I said it.
I said it.
Excuse me? I've never done a single thing anybody has told me to do in my entire life.
My dad told me not to waste my time with college, I applied the next day.
My doctors told me to stop drinking, I drink every chance I get.
Grow a pair of balls and stop being a bitch.
Get out of the car.
He turned me around like this, and he was like, "I'm gonna finish," and I was like, "Joey, you son of a bitch, "you're not finishing until I suck the goddamn hell out of your big" The end! The end! Thank you, Mary Jo.
It feels so good to get that off my tits.
Well, I'll see you guys around.
Screw it.
I'll go again.
I used to masturbate exclusively with motor oil.
Yeah, I was that guy.
Did you guys tape your boners up or down? I taped my shit down, man.
You should try it.
Yo, look, just a heads up, you might be starting this weekend.
What, why? Because I'm smashing that girl tonight.
I don't care about being benched, I don't care if I end up in Wings, I am taking her to my bed tonight.
Okay, everybody, gather round.
There's gonna be national media at the church today.
So let's go over there, smile pretty, run around a little bit, and then get the hell out of there.
Understood? - Yes, coach! How you doing, Coach? You wanna enact a mercy rule? No, I don't think that'll be necessary.
You're gonna take it easy on us, though, right? Excuse me.
That was quite the performance yesterday.
Well, you could have avoided the whole situation, if you bent me over and nailed me when I wanted you to.
Have a good game.
No beav on three.
One, two, three.
No beav! Sorry! I'm sorry! Holy shit! Brian Bosworth made me do it! I'm sorry.
Marty! Keep it clean for a change.
Listen, stay strong.
All right? Focus.
You better get this under control.
Your team's embarrassing us in front of the entire country.
I took your wife, Marty.
Don't make me take your job, too.
Stop being their bitch, Coach! Come on, don't do it.
Hey, Warren, the day I let you or your wife tell me how to deal with my players is the day Debra swallows.
Excuse me? You heard me.
You see this right here on the field? That's your fault for trying to make my players be something that they're not.
You wanna fire me? Good! I want you to, because I'll find another coaching job.
And when I do, I'll come back here every year and I'll kick your ass! Because you are nothing without me.
And neither are you! Second team, get in there! No.
First team stays in there.
Randell is MIA Moran, you're in for Randell! I want you to bury these pricks, okay? I want them to be praying to you after the game! I can't go in right now, Coach.
What are you talking about? I I gotta go poop.
Hold it in.
Get in there! You better pray, son.
Now, I got your number.
You had better pray! Let's leave it unlocked.
I like the idea of maybe getting caught.
Yeah, I like that.
Okay, so you ready for the full-on Radon Randell seduction, baby? Come on.
Father, I gotta make a confession, all right? I wanna have sex with my best friend's sister.
But she's gonna bang my teammate in a port-a-potty, and I can't let it happen.
That's between you and God.
What? You had better pray! Come on! Down.
Please, God.
Set, hike! Hey, look, Radon, I think you're amazing, but there's something I gotta tell you Radon's coming.
Whose idea was this duct tape? My dicky! You like that, hotshot? That's how we do in God's house.
Father, you need to get laid.
I broke my dicky! It hurts! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're on the front page of Deadspin.
The duct tape was your idea, wasn't it? No, it wasn't my idea.
One of these days, I'm gonna french you, Alex.
And you're gonna love it.
Get your pretty faces away from me! I'm goin' top three! You passed the test.
One whole week without sex proves you'll do whatever it takes to perform at the pro level.
You will now be the number-one draft pick next year.
Numero uno? Numero uno, Thad.
Just like me.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr.
Bos Did you just Yeah.
Just like me.