Blunt Talk (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

All My Relationships End in Pain

1 Previously on Blunt Talk I like you very much.
- Let her go, Officer.
- Put your hands on the car.
- Hey! - [grunts] Mr.
Blunt, have you spoken to any of your wives? I have not spoken to any of my ex-wives.
This is the benefit of divorce.
You are facing felony charges.
Your ratings have been shit for months.
All that's left is your accent.
They need me to see a shrink.
You always bring your own couch, Doctor? Yes, I'm a Freudian.
The gods have given me a second chance.
I mean to make the most of it.
Blunt Talk - S01E03 All My Relationships End in Pain Harry.
Harry, I'm hungry.
Where are you? Harry, I'm hungry and depressed.
Ah! [shouts] Ha! [growls] [snarling] [shrieks] Have a nice trip, Major.
[grunts] What's the matter, Major? You always enjoy thrashing me.
I don't know, Harry.
I just feel low.
Lost, confused, distracted, dreary, disturbed I guess that's it.
Well, you're seeing the network psychoanalyst this afternoon, sir.
Perhaps he'll cheer you up.
I don't think the goal of analysis is to be cheered up, Harry.
I think the goal is to stop hating oneself.
What about neutrality, sir? That's my position.
I don't hate myself, but I don't like myself.
I hover somewhere in the middle.
Interesting, Harry.
I'd like to mull that over further with scrambled egg, bacon, half a grapefruit, and very black coffee.
Very good, sir.
I'll get your breakfast ready.
Unsporting, Major.
We'd finished playing.
And a glass of champagne.
- Sir.
- [sighs] WEISS: Kierkegaard says that we're all in despair unless we find God.
But then the French poet Vigny says that a calm despair is the essence of wisdom.
[laughs] For once I agree with a Frenchman.
No, I accept my core despair.
But what's your stance on self-loathing? Oh, I'm against it.
Why do you ask? Are you self-loathing? No.
Well, a little.
Why? I put my career in jeopardy.
I'm a lousy to middling father.
And I've hurt every woman I've ever been with.
What do you think would lessen your negative feelings about yourself? - Well, a woman.
- Walter.
Excuse me, we're in session.
Oh, sorry.
I've never done therapy.
I mean, I once called a suicide hotline.
- Years ago.
- Excuse me, I mean, we're in session.
Walter, you have to be in makeup in 15 minutes.
- [Celia whispers] - Okay.
Now, that's an attractive woman.
Have you had intercourse with her? No.
She works for me.
So what's holding you back from meeting a woman? [sighs] My track record.
I'm afraid to start something new.
All my relationships end in pain.
Did that stop Elizabeth Taylor? No.
So I give you permission to meet someone new and not worry about the future.
Are you suggesting I should behave like Elizabeth Taylor? Yes.
A messy life is a good life.
Big Brother or mindful mother? In a statement issued today, Alvon says that its tracking chip, the size of a rice grain, can be implanted painlessly beneath your child's skin.
Well, I'm not sure I like the sound of children being chipped like the family pet.
But I was also skeptical of the mobile phone and I once did lose a dog.
Well, that's our report for this evening.
I am Walter Blunt, right here, right now.
Jim: And we're clear.
Okay, that's a wrap.
You know, soon we'll all be chipped.
It could be a good thing.
If my wives had chipped me, maybe I'd still be married.
Oh, did you get lost a lot? - Yes, with other women.
- [laughs] I must stop thinking like this.
I am allowed to have a messy life.
I mean, not as messy as last week, but - Great show, Walter.
- Thank you.
Excellent segment on the Knesset.
Jewish politicians are really funny.
Is that a joke? But, Walter, I'm so sorry about interrupting your analysis before.
Is it going okay? Well, the approach is unusual, but it may be helpful.
Oh, you know, my dad's a therapist.
A Gestaltian.
Yeah, we know that.
- Hi.
Great show, Walter.
- Thank you.
Maybe next week we can run my piece on the HPV vaccine.
I have a fun angle.
Shelly, the genital warts story is gross.
I'm sorry, genital warts? Uh-huh.
It's relatable.
You're a lucky son of a bitch, Walter.
- Why? - BOB: I want to tell him! [toilet water whooshing] You were in my bathroom.
I paid for it.
The policeman you kicked, he didn't need testicle surgery.
- So it's only a misdemeanor.
- [sighs] The lawyers found a loophole in California state law.
No stitches, no felony.
No felony, no problem.
I can't believe my fate was held in balance by the well-being of a testicle.
What about Gisele? Her charges were dropped.
Yes! She sent you a thank-you note for getting her a lawyer.
- Oh.
- [sniffs] In our debased world, I appreciate this very much.
It was the one quality of the first George Bush I always admired.
He was an avid writer of thank-you notes.
Well, you're still a little screwed, buddy.
Your license is suspended and you have to go to AA once a week.
I have to go to AA? For your AA meeting, I was thinking we could either go with your Bono look or your Peter Jennings.
For AA, definitely we should go Bono.
Very good, sir.
Oh, I meant to inquire, did you ask the psychoanalyst for more of that wonderful cocaine? I did and he said that last week was simply an emergency measure and not a part of my treatment.
Oh, that is a shame.
But I imagine we'll cultivate an emergency soon enough.
WALTER: All right, last chance.
Who wants to come with me to AA? Rosalie: Ha! I understand.
It's Friday, you've all got plans.
Oh, there she is.
I'll give you a ride.
Be nicer than the bus.
Thank you, Rosalie.
I've missed you, girl.
Walter, is this your new car? We got it this morning.
I told Harry to get a Volt or a Prius.
I mean, I have to be a role model.
Instead, he gets this stupid muscle car.
You said to follow my bliss.
I said a Volt or a Prius.
You willfully misheard me.
Well, I think it's a super cool car, Walter.
I really do.
I'm glad you agree.
I've always admired your Maverick, Jim.
This back seat is hell, Harry.
- What were you thinking? - [car engine starts] You could, you know, sit in the front seat, sir.
No, I think it's best that our roles are defined.
Discipline in our regiment of two has been slack of late.
Very good, sir.
[bell dings] Thanks for the ride, Rosalie.
You're welcome.
Do you want to, you know, like last time? [sniffing] You smell nice.
Like vanilla.
The perfume.
Can I smell it again? [sniffing] [indistinct chatter] My God, Harry.
I never knew there were so many recovering alcoholics.
- The bars must be empty.
- Yes, Major.
You know, it's smart of churches to hold AA meetings.
Since the old methods failed, this is an excellent way of getting the sinners in.
Yes, sir.
- [muzak playing] - [indistinct chatter] Excuse me, sir.
We're new here.
And there seem to be many sorts of meetings to choose from.
We got every kind of meeting.
Overeaters Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
Boy, you name it, we got it.
- What are you here for? - AA.
Now, do you also know who could sign my drunk driving sheet? Anybody can.
I'll do it.
Really? Thank you.
Here you go.
Are you Walter Blunt? I mean, Walter B? Most of the time.
- I'm Derek.
- Oh.
Ah, hi, I'm glad you're here.
I saw your collapse on YouTube.
It's an honor to meet you.
I'll see you in the meeting.
I'm also in AA.
Hey, nice sort of chap.
You know, Harry, I know nothing about the 12-step movement.
- Do you? - Not really, sir.
I imagine the 12 steps must be similar to the 10 Commandments.
- Makes sense.
- Excuse me.
A lot of women here, Harry.
Maybe I'll meet someone.
You know, alcoholics are often good company.
When they're drinking, sir.
Not when they're sober.
Oh, no, you're right.
Hey, maybe the Sex and Love Addicts meeting would be more up my alley.
I would agree, sir.
I think I'll go to the gambling meeting.
That's a good idea.
You love to gamble.
[bell rings] Oh, looks like we're starting.
- Thank you, Harry.
- [clears throat] Oh, do you need any cash in case they lose control and a poker game breaks out? That's very generous, sir.
There you are.
Get on it, get on it, Get on it, Mr.
Jive Who you gonna con and play on today Lay down a rap and call it a day Ya leanin' and low ridin' and talkin' that talk Pippin' off and takin' off, you sure ain't cool Get on it, get on it Get on it, Mr.
Jive Get on it What I do when I hit a cold streak is I borrow from friends, or anyone, really, until I hit a hot streak.
Then I pay everybody back.
This way, I never get too far ahead or too far behind.
A kind of beautiful stasis.
You see, I live in the now, which is what all the gurus preach.
[applause] [audience murmuring] Oh.
[Chuckles] [clears throat] So, Walter still behaving himself? Well, he's functioning.
And now he's going to AA.
AA? That's terrible.
Maybe it could help him.
It helped Charlie.
Charlie? He committed suicide.
- But he was sober.
- Well, that's true.
Charge! That's my new toast.
[chuckles] [song in French playing over stereo] Mmm.
Teddy, there's no vermouth in this.
Oh, shit, you're right.
- I'll make new ones.
- Forget it.
We're playing gin, we'll have gin cocktails.
So, did you give that young man a ride home again? - It's Friday.
- I did.
I told him we have an open marriage.
- Mm-hmm.
- The whole thing was wonderful.
My heart was racing.
It's good for you.
Good for your circulation.
I met a woman, you know, at the salad bar at Whole Foods.
Twice divorced.
Very beautiful.
But she name-dropped the Shah and I gave her a hard time about it 'cause I didn't really believe her.
You told me about her two nights ago.
- I did? - [chuckles] I meet so many divorcées that I can hardly keep track.
That salad bar is like a singles bar.
Anyway, she emailed me a picture of her and the Shah from '78, so I had to apologize.
I've been sticking to my bottom lines for three weeks.
No acting out.
[applause] Thank you.
As most of you know, my thing is to wear baggy shorts, you know, no underwear.
Then I ride the M52 bus.
And then I cross my legs like, you know, like this.
You know, and I just hope somebody sees what I have hidden up here.
My noodle and my wantons.
I mean, it's a sickness, but I've been better the last three weeks.
I mean, I still ride the bus when I don't have to, but I wear my underwear every time.
So thanks for letting me share.
- [applause] - ALL: Thanks for sharing.
And thanks for wearing your underwear this week.
[laughs] Thank you.
Hello, I'm Walter.
I am not a sex addict.
But I have enjoyed listening to you all.
To be honest, though, I find this label sexual addiction to be shaming.
When it comes to desire, I mean, desire, what you call acting out, it would be wise to remind ourselves of how Elizabeth Taylor lived.
And what Oscar Wilde said.
"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
" [laughs, clears throat] Thanks for sharing.
[applause] ALL: Thanks for sharing.
Can I help you? Yes, I do need help.
Um, do you have that one in a size six? - This? - Yes.
- For your wife? - No, girlfriend.
I'm not ready for marriage.
Okay, I will see if we have those in a six.
[indistinct chatter] You know, you're the first professional magician I've ever met.
Well, that's a lot of pressure.
And I saw women in half for a living.
[laughs] My dad used to love doing magic tricks.
Used to? Why did he stop, the old bastard? Um, he died when I was 12 in a car accident.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No need to worry.
It was a long time ago.
No, I'm sorry for being such a downer on a date.
It's okay, I asked.
I do miss him still.
He used to teach the piano.
I think that's why he liked magic.
He had such agile fingers.
He had beautiful hands.
I used to love looking at them.
What, you also have very pretty hands.
[chuckles] Could you do a trick right here? A trick? I totally didn't come prepared.
Do you mind if I smoke? Disgusting habit, I know, - but then so's this.
[Snorts] - Ah.
So's that.
That's how we smoke cigarettes in LA.
No, I'm kidding.
Hand me the salt shaker, would you? All right, keep your eyes on this.
Here we go.
Here's the salt.
Or as I call it, the other white powder.
Keep your eyes on it.
Keep your eyes on it.
It's a lot of salt going in the hand.
I wave my hand and say the magic words, Bangers and Match, boop, it's gone.
- Wow! - Yeah.
I'll bring it back for you, it's a grain at a time.
There's a grain.
That's gonna take too long.
Here's a grain.
Hold your hand out for me.
[snaps fingers] [hums fanfare] Are you married? Um [snaps fingers] Hey, I really appreciate this.
And I think you're gonna be an awesome sponsor.
- I'll call you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
I want to thank you for what you shared in there.
I've been coming to these meetings for months and you are the first person who's made any sense.
Well, I'm glad if what I had to say helped.
It was very helpful.
Usually these meetings make me feel worse about myself, not better.
That's not good.
I struggle with that myself.
Attacking myself mentally.
I'm sorry that things haven't gone well for you here.
It's all right.
There's a reason I've been coming to SLAA and it was to hear what you had to say tonight.
And to meet you.
[indistinct chatter] Several women rabbis have been arrested and a protest at the Wailing Wall has spurred debate in the Knesset.
The issue of women rabbis has been an ongoing controversy for several years now.
A coalition of American Ah, I love a woman with a clean bathroom.
[laughs] Almost fell off.
- What is that? - What? - [gasps] Wow.
- Wow.
Fucking hate this car, Harry.
[sighs] Oh, how charming.
Oh, thanks.
I do love living here.
And my place is right over there.
- Oh, lovely.
- Yes.
Um, just one moment, darling.
I need to have a word with my man.
Major, I advise against this.
This woman is a sex addict.
Shh, don't be ridiculous, Harry.
There's no such thing.
Also, my analyst encouraged me to meet someone.
This is part of my treatment.
I liked it better when he gave you cocaine.
Stop pouting, Harry.
Look, I'll only be gone an hour or so.
And we'll kiss a little and I'll call it a night.
Like a gentleman.
So, wait here.
Yes, sir.
- Oh, are you cold? - Just a little.
Oh, my.
I'm so sorry.
And surely the house The whole house is yours.
[indistinct chatter] Mom: I think you look tired.
Have you had a steak lately? Mom, you know I don't eat meat.
I wish you would.
You grew up on meat.
You look pale.
Would Walter want to do phone sessions with me? I'm worried about him after his collapse.
No, Dad, he's got a therapist here in LA.
He'll be okay.
Hey, Mom, when we FaceTime, do you look at the little picture of yourself or do you look at me? I think I look at the little picture of myself - more than I look at you.
- It's true.
Yeah, me, too.
I do that, too.
Well, I better get going, Mom.
It's Friday night.
[clears throat] I love you.
I love you more than that.
Okay, bye.
Should we slow down a little? No, let's go faster.
[laughs] Ah! Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I met the most interesting Persian woman.
A Sophia Loren look-alike.
Huge, gorgeous brown eyes.
And she told me that the Shah put his hand on her leg at a dinner party in 1978.
- Teddy.
- Yes, dear? [sighs] I love you.
I love you.
Sophie, what the hell are you doing? [groans] Holy shit.
Walter fucking Blunt? - Who is this man? - It's my husband Steve.
WALTER: You said you were divorced.
[whispering] I am, but we still sleep together.
He's in Codependents Anonymous.
Oh, shit! Excuse me, Sophie.
[Moans] I can't believe you're screwing Walter Blunt.
Point of fact, we did not engage in intercourse.
Oh, you shut up.
I don't like you.
I don't like your show.
And I don't like you banging my wife.
You keep my show out of this! Oh, fuck you.
Right here, right now.
No, no.
Oh! Goddamn memory foam.
Blunt! I'm gonna kill you! Shit! Oh, no.
Harry! Harry! Row! Row! Motherfucker! Where you going? Coward! Row, Harry, row! STEVE: English bastard! Fuck.
Good man, Harry.
Well, that could have gone better.
But my analyst can't say I didn't try to meet someone.
Told you she was a sex fiend, sir.
Don't be judgmental, Harry.
What did Oscar Wilde say? "We're all in the gutter But some of us are looking at the stars.
" Mmm.
You know, we're quite lucky.
This is a beautiful night for a boat ride.
Pass the commanding officer, Harry.
And I'd like to hear a sea shanty.
Very good, sir.
[inhales] I went to sea as a country lad To make a dream come true A full-blown wind took us hard astern That blew from Timbuktu We went down like an anchor chain I thought that we would drown Swam belly up and cried like hell You can't keep a good man down We rode like billy-o, made the Scilly Isles Ended up in the Rose and Crown Drank the night away, seems like yesterday When she went down And it's hey-ho, can't blow the man down Hey-ho, can't blow the man down Hey-ho, can't blow the man Blow the man down, boys Blow this man down Way-ho, can't blow the man down Way-ho, can't blow the man down Hey-ho, can't hold the man Hold the man down, boys Hold this man down 'Twas devil's torment, tack and rum That kept the fear at bay But a Navy sail on the starboard bow Was getting in our way A broadside rain like a fire from hell We made the beggars pay But we did not see the giant wave That took our keel away So wreckage drift away, soggy castaway Runnin' a-ground No, we're way-ho, can't hold the man Hold the man down, boys Hold this man down Hold this man down Hold this man down