Blunt Talk (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

I Brought a Petting Goat!

1 Previously on Blunt Talk It's the Falklands all over again, Harry.
- The anniversary of the Falklands is coming up.
- Hey! And that no, that is when you and Harry really go nuts.
- Who's Harry? - Major.
Don't leave me! I saw what that boy has between his legs.
- I am genuinely attracted to you.
- You are? I glanced at you in the men's room.
You're not circumcised.
I haven't had sex since the 20th century.
- Phil, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
HERSHEL: My thing is to wear no underwear.
Then I ride the bus and I just hope somebody sees my noodle and my wontons.
- You don't remember writing this because you didn't.
- I'm sorry? So what are you, breast man or an ass man? JIM: I'm a foot man.
[quietly] I don't get it.
Who is this idiot? [whispers] It's Moby.
WALTER: You dating Moby-Dick? It's just Moby, no Dick, and, yes, I am.
- Morning, Harry.
- Morning, Major.
- Sleep all right? - Oh, yes.
So good to be sleeping in the open air.
[deep breaths] And, you know, I had quite an erotic dream.
Burt Lancaster again, sir? Oh, certainly not.
My dream was about Death Sentence Suzanne.
It was somewhat carnal.
Excellent news, sir.
Oh, that night with her, Harry.
It was one to remember.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Her hair fanned out on the pillow.
And that night, I experienced a total erasure of self, which so rarely happens.
I wouldn't know, sir.
Oh, no, of course.
Oh, your issues.
Well, a good orgasm, Harry, is like a comet.
It begins in the pelvis, shoots up the spine like a flame, sears across the mind, culminating in a red explosion followed quickly by a black void.
So a red comet, sir, and then a black void? But, the black void could be an intimation of death.
[softly] Right.
Your eggs, sir.
Oh, thank you, Harry.
You know, it's hard to believe it's been 33 years since the war ended.
It's still so vivid, sir.
- I close my eyes, I'm there.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, Major, we've never really talked about the war.
I mean, the scars that are unseen.
Yes, I know.
[sighs] Walter, Red, do I smell bacon? Morning, Ronnie.
Would you like a coffee? [whispers] Oh, don't encourage him, Harry.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be right over.
Just one sec.
- [quietly] Sorry, sir.
- [sighs] [grunts] I'd say thank God it's Friday, but I'm an atheist.
I'm agnostic, but I do pray a lot.
Yeah, me, too.
I don't know what else to do when I get scared.
[chuckles] Hey, are you gonna go to Walter's party? Of course.
He wants everyone to go.
Are you bringing anybody? No, I want Walter to completely reform his opinion of me as an oversexed woman.
- Right.
- Here's your report, Celia.
Oh, thank you.
Are you bringing anyone? Uh, no.
No, I'm probably just gonna leave early, you know? - Why? - I don't know.
It seems like every time I go to a party, somebody accidentally spits their food into my mouth.
- Come on.
- I'm not kidding.
I'm like a a Venus flytrap.
A lot of times the other person knows they spat in my mouth, but we pretend it didn't happen.
Ugh, that's terrible.
Yeah, last party I didn't even bother eating my own food.
Well, if you stick with me, I won't eat anything and I won't spit in your mouth.
Promise? [giggles] [softly] All right.
So, what are you two doing? A little World War II cosplay? Cosplay? You know, role playing with costumes, huh? Don't be disgusting.
No, Ronnie, let me explain.
We do this every few years on the anniversary of the Falklands to celebrate the bloody war coming to an end.
Oh, I get it.
A camping party.
[laughs] You should have invited me.
I was a Boy Scout, if you can believe it.
I got my first badge in tossing salad.
[laughs] Well, we're having a proper party tonight.
- Perhaps you'd like to come.
- Sure, and I'll bring Sylvia.
She still asks about you, you know.
- She does? - Mmm.
[exhales] What are you doing? Push ups.
I want to look buff for the party.
I can't believe how fast you've become bisexual.
I know.
So you think you're gonna meet somebody? Maybe.
I'm feeling very lush.
What about you? - Oh, I'm bringing a date.
- You're dating? I thought you were going on vacation to find yourself.
You can date before a vacation.
Is Rosalie okay with this? Well, she's gonna bring Teddy.
But it might be weird 'cause the girl I met is also named Rosalie.
It's why I noticed her on Facebook.
- Ew.
Morning, Walter.
- Morning.
Walter, Dr.
Weiss is in your office.
[quietly] Damn.
I'd forgotten.
Uh, wait here, Harry.
- Work on your knitting.
- Yes, Major.
[grunts] HARRY: Well done, Shelly.
[grunts] Bet you'd make an excellent arm wrestler.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Arm wrestling is a passion of mine, and I know who's good and who isn't.
Yeah, Shelly.
Yeah, you have value.
Yeah, you're a good girl.
Come on, Shelly.
[indistinct chatter] [softly] Hey.
Morning, sir.
You can call me Jim.
Yes, sir.
Hey, uh, Harry, what are you always knitting? What is this? It's a hat for the major.
Being bald, he's vulnerable to drafts.
That's nice of you.
Harry, I I think it's beautiful, but why are you so devoted to Walter? I mean, I know he deserves it, but But it seems excessive? - Well - It's not.
33 years ago, the Major saved my life.
I'd taken shrapnel and would have bled to death slowly, which is not a pretty way to go.
- I didn't I didn't know.
- Yeah.
He risked his life to save mine.
So the least I can do, Jim, knit him a hat.
The truth is, Doctor, for all the sex I've had, there have been very few moments of profound happiness.
What holds you back? I don't want to reveal myself.
I live in public, but oh, I have secrets.
The war.
Look, can we talk about something else? I've never heard you expound on my anal anxiety.
Gardner wants to see you in his office.
We're in session.
Is that little minx gonna be at your party? Gardner wants you to replace your Falklands editorial because while you were in session with Dr.
Nutso, an Indiana congressman called Jeff Roberts was exposed by a male prostitute.
Roberts was supportive of all the anti-gay legislation there.
Oh, God.
That is the oldest story there is.
The self-hating, closeted politician.
Well, it's a huge story and we have to cover it.
Oh, Bob, we were just coming to you.
Yeah, I'm not walking enough according to my app, so I decided to sprint over.
- Rosalie tell you? - Yes.
I do not want Blunt Talk involved in another one of these tired tabloid witch-hunts.
Uh-uh, this is a plane crash.
This is a sex plane crash and your numbers have started to dip since your sex scandal.
- But my Falklands editorial - No, this is important to me.
It's very important.
I'll see you at the party.
Looking forward to it.
And Daddy is bringing a date.
- Whoo.
- [whispers] Damn it.
I hate covering these kinds of things.
I have felt the noose of public shaming too often of late.
So tell them that.
Say you're sick of all this puritanical bullshit.
I know I am.
So what Congressman Roberts stood for is reprehensible, but what he did in the privacy of a hotel room is not.
I, for one, would love to see a day when there would be no judgment and no labels for what consenting adults do when being sensual in their private lives.
No straight or gay or bi or trans.
Just human beings in their endless variety.
None more wrong or right than the next.
Well, one can dream.
So that's all we have for tonight, which happens to be the 33rd anniversary of the end of the Falklands War.
May those fallen [voice breaks] on both sides rest in peace.
That was a lovely editorial, sir.
Oh, Harry, it was pie in the sky dreaming.
I sounded like John Lennon.
Except that John was talking about peace.
You're very gloomy today, sir.
But let's try to rally.
We have a party to throw.
And, well, I have a gift for you.
What is it, Harry? Oh, a tea cozy.
No, it's a hat, sir.
For drafts.
Thank you so much.
I'll try it on.
I seem to have misjudged the dimensions of your skull, sir.
[glass clinking] [indistinct chatter] Well, thank you all for coming.
I am so heartened and delighted to see each one of you here.
Now, when we think on the Falklands War, we can be heartened to know that today marks the day when hostilities ceased.
So, let's [crickets chirping] [voice breaks] let's So let's raise a glass to mark that day of peace.
Hey, I thought this was a party.
[bleets] I brought a petting goat! [laughs] Whoo! [pops] Whoa! [laughs] [cheering] - Sorry.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Walter, you were amazing tonight.
Oh, thank you.
Now dance with us or you're fired.
This party's great.
I am so glad Bobby invited me.
Bobby? Oh, yes, of course.
Walter, I love this song.
Can I dance with you guys? Yes, please do.
Let's get a four-way bald selfie.
Squeeze in.
[camera clicks] You're so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Everything is so beautiful.
- You're so beautiful.
- Bob, come here.
How long have you been dating, um Uh, Emanuel.
Yeah, I met him at UBS just after you had him on.
He was in the men's room, and holy shit, did one thing lead to another.
It was like ding-ding.
[imitates gunshot] You high? Yeah.
- Bobby, come on.
- Yeah.
Tell me all the things I've missed Who's been killed and who's been kissed Drag me back, collect my thoughts I'll be gone when the drugs wear off MARTIN: Walter.
- This is Rosalie.
- Rosalie? I know, it's just a coincidence, sort of.
Mm, it's very nice to meet you, Mr.
It's a wonderful party.
I like all of the weird people.
Oh, thank you, my dear.
The palms are down, I'm welcomed into town Sometimes I feel like they don't understand me Thank you.
ROSALIE: Look at how Martin's carrying on with that girl.
Where's Teddy? Oh, he wasn't having one of his good days so he stayed at home.
His beautiful Armenian friend came around.
I need another drink.
How are you holding up? Not so good.
How can we make this fun for you? I know.
Let's tell each other something weird and personal with every drink that we have.
You go first.
I'm not good at drinking games.
You go first.
Okay, I don't like watching other people eat.
I feel like they look like sort of animals and then I feel bad for judging them.
Me, too.
I watch them eat and then I'm picturing them on the toilet pooping later and it makes me sick.
It's like hot dog in, hot dog out.
Ew, yeah.
I don't take it that far.
Drink up.
Get us more drinks.
Okay, but what I said wasn't that different from what you said.
Two more drinks.
Get whiskey.
He was like, "That's definitely a ghost.
" [laughs] Oh, Jim, this is Hershel.
- He's a friend of Walter's.
- Oh, hey, man.
Hey, nice to meet you.
How do you know Walter? He's my sex and love addicts sponsor.
He don't return calls, but he's a really nice oh, shit, I just spit in your mouth.
I am so sorry.
I hate when that happens.
It's okay.
I'm just gonna get a drink and wash it down.
- Are you okay? I'm really sorry.
- It's okay.
It was just a little piece of hot dog, Jim.
[groans] I put hot dogs in my mouth all the time.
[indistinct chatter] Stan, what the hell are you doing? You're my guest here tonight.
I feel more comfortable behind the bar, Mr.
- Usual? - Yes, thanks, Stan.
You're too kind.
- Oh, hi.
- How you doing? [laughs] - Can I get a vodka soda and a water, please? - Sure.
You sure you're okay with Moby DJing? Yes, I accept your relationship.
and Mrs.
Thank you for having me.
I've never socialized with parents of my students before.
Oh, well, I hope it's not too inappropriate.
Oh, it might be, but I like it.
It's an honor to meet you.
As a producer of high-end erotica, I am also against genital mutilation.
If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk shop at a party.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- Hey, have you guys seen Celia? [softly] No.
- You know what I mean? - Yes.
Finally, some you know, look, when it comes to sex it's like I'm spinning a roulette wheel.
I mean, I've tried every perversion at least once.
For years I was a sub then a cross-dresser.
And now I'm an exhibitionist.
Oh, my God, I love how open you are.
You know, I came here hoping to meet a girl, but I am happy to meet an open guy.
Well, I mean, for me, straight sex is the kinkiest.
I mean, intimacy between a man and a woman? - Mm-hmm.
- Affection, kissing? Whoo, ain't that some sick action.
- Yeah.
- You know what? - To straight sex.
- To straight sex.
Thanks, Jim.
I need a fresh one.
Uh, no, that was for Celia.
So why are you going on the Appalachian Trail for your vacation? [laughs] I just need to walk and think and, mm, figure out my life.
I mean, I'm almost 28.
- Hello, Martin.
- Rosalie.
Uh, Rosalie, this is Rosalie.
- What? - I know, it's weird.
You're only the third other Rosalie I've ever met.
Well, it's very nice to meet you.
Any friend of Martin's is a friend of mine.
Uh, you two have fun now, okay? Actually, we're going to go, but is all this okay? Of course, darling.
- It's fine.
- [chuckles] Okay.
WEISS: Hey, is everything all right? You want to talk or do you want to do a line? Both? Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, man.
As a musician, you must have had a lot of success with women.
At one time, yes.
- I peaked in 1988.
- Oh, I see.
Well, the Major described a good orgasm like a red comet followed by a black abyss.
Was that your experience? That's not how I'd put it.
For me it was like a pitcher of water you pour off a high balcony.
[whispering] In Paris.
In the 16th arrondissement.
[whispers] Wow.
Hi, Harry.
This is my mom Nora.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Nice to meet you.
But excuse me, ladies.
There's something I have to do.
I'll leave you in Phil's capable hands.
[chuckles] Turn the music up Excuse me.
[stammers] Oh, just What are you doing here? - I received an invitation.
- A mistake was made.
You were very rude to the Major and are not welcome here.
Unhand me.
I'm a member of the press and this is my tennis elbow.
- I don't give a flying - What's going on, Harry? I found this spy on the premises, sir.
And I'm giving him the boot.
I received an invitation, Mr.
And so I thought you had forgiven me.
Also, you look like my father, who is institutionalized when I was a child, so if we could be friends Oh, let him stay, Harry.
It's a party, after all.
So I can stay? Thank you, friend.
Ooh, a clown.
I love clowns.
[quietly] He's a strange one.
How are you feeling, Major? - Still a bit gloomy? - Oh Harry, come and get a drink with me.
- Well - Go on, Harry.
Have fun.
I'm fine.
Look, I'm surrounded by friends.
[indistinct chatter] [snaps fingers] Oh, my God.
- I feel like King Arthur.
- Oh! Yeah! [applause] Did you see that? Extraordinary.
Hey, Walter, have you seen Celia? Oh, I think she's over there by the contortionist.
[groans] Come on.
Oh, no.
How do you think he does that? They lubricate their throats with Vaseline.
How do they get the Vaseline in there? Oh, Lord, Jim, I don't know everything.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, sorry, I lost you and your drink.
Yeah, well, I came right to the source.
Here's my weird thing.
I get too drunk at parties.
[softly] And I was born with a small tail, but my parents had it snipped off.
You tell me something.
That's gonna be hard to top.
- [laughs] Well, try.
- Um Uh, okay.
Um sometimes when I'm writing a piece for the show at my desk, I get nervous and then I'll look down and I realize that I'm I'm squeezing my penis through my pants like a little boy.
[laughs] Really? That's adorable.
- You think so? - Yeah.
Oh, God, I'm so drunk.
I shouldn't have worn these heels.
Oh, I just want to lie down.
[indistinct chatter] Great party.
[whispers] Excellent clown.
Say hello to your world Now's the time to spread the love Say hello to your life Now's the time to get it right Say hello to your world Now's the time to spread the love Oh hey, hey, hey [laughs] - Sorry.
- Oops.
[laughing] WEISS: You were saying? [snorting] [sniffs] [slurps] My first husband Joey, the one who died of leukemia when we were 26 [sniffs] he was just like Martin.
A romantic with a cleft chin, same nose.
And for 40 years I've been mourning Joey and this other life we could have had.
So when Joey died, that Rosalie died with him.
But Martin somehow he sort of brought her back to life.
God damn it! We're in session! Oh, oh, sorry, Walter.
No, no, no, no.
I I apologize.
Good Lord.
Oh, no.
Now Walter's gonna think something's going on between us.
Well, I I I could go run after him and just explain that you were drunk and I was helping you lay down.
No, don't bother.
But, you know what? I left my bag somewhere and it's got my phone in it.
Could you find it? It's burgundy with a gold Moroccan design on it.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, thanks.
You're a star.
[chuckles] [kisses] I'll go find your purse.
[crowd shouting] [cracks] Hey.
Hey, everybody.
Um, excuse me.
Has anyone seen a burgundy purse Are you out of your mind? [shouting continues] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! [chanting continues] Hey, Walter, have you seen Celia's purse? Jim, I don't know everything.
[chanting continues] What happened? Oh, just a cardiac event.
That's how you know it's a good party.
Oh, God, this is all my fault.
Oh, don't beat yourself up, Walter.
Not everything is your fault.
I'll go with him to the hospital.
[sniffs] [shouting continues] - RONNIE: You got the strength, you got the talent, Rita.
- Ow! Ow! Tear her fucking arm off, Rita! Tear her fucking arm off! [bones crack] She's half your size, Rita.
Come on! Come on! [screaming] [cheering] - What the fuck, Rita? - Yes, I did it! Oh, shit.
What a disappointment.
- That is a tragedy, Rita.
- What happened? - That is a fucking tragedy right there.
- WOMAN: Bam! HERSHEL: In your face, Emeril.
[indistinct chatter] Sorry that took so ahem [quietly] took so long.
[sighs] I can't believe this is happening again.
Well, in my business, most of the guys are creeps and you were the nicest guy I've met in a long time.
[whispers] Oh, Sylvia.
Also, I'm a size queen.
[sighs] [grunts, exhales] [jet roaring] [gunfire] Major! Westhoff's hurt bad.
I need help.
Stay put.
I'll be right there.
[gunfire] Major! Hold on, Harry.
[bomb whistling] HARRY: Major! It's all right, Harry.
I'm here.
[panting] You're gonna be fine.
[groans] You didn't leave me.
No, of course not.
[gunfire continues] [explosion] [guests shouting, laughing] If I was the fridge, would you open the door? [cheering] If I was the grass, would you mow your lawn? If I was your body, would you still wear clothes? SYLVIA: Oh, Harry, it's true! It's true! If I was a booger, would you blow your nose? Where would you keep it? Would you eat it? I'm just trying to give myself a reason For being around If I was a front porch swing, would you let me hang? If I was a dance floor, would you shake your thing? If I was a rubber check, would you let me bounce Up and down inside your bank account? Would you trust me not to break you? I'm just trying really hard to make you Notice me being around If I was the carpet, would you wipe your feet? In time to save me from mud off the street? If you like me, if you love me Would you get down On your knees and scrub me? I'm a little grubby From just being around.