Bob Servant, Independent (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Launch Day

1 I'm not a punter.
Never have been, never will be.
I look round Broughty Ferry and I see the punters, and I think, "Well "Good luck to you, lads.
"But you're not my gang.
" I'm not one for name-dropping, but I look at your Obamas and your Gandhis and your Burt Reynolds, and I think, "That's my mob.
"That's my mob right there.
" Because being a man isn't about having a nice extension or snazzy clothes or being able to send a message with your eyes.
Don't get me wrong, these things help.
But it is also important to know your way around an anecdote and have a decent walk.
Well, I've got those arrows in my knapsack, and now, with this by-election, I've got the chance to use them.
This is my Ben Nevis, or my Everest, or that mountain in America where they've carved all the presidents' penises.
And you know what, Frank? You know what? It's like we're on a train.
We've got the sun on our faces and a clear track ahead.
I'm the driver, you're the chief engineer.
And if I may, can I ask you to start shovelling the coal? Yes.
What I'm saying to you, Frank, is And I think it's all been relatively clear, that it's time to start the engines.
Full steam ahead! Hey, Georgie! Campaign launch day.
Pick up posters, meet young voters, and go on Broughty FM.
What about Edwards? Well, he's not here for a week.
Oh, well, that's a mistake.
You should always be at the party first.
Early if possible.
Oh, no, no, no.
Frank, not early, no.
That's a cry for help.
So The young voters, they're vital.
We get the message to a few of them, they phone the Internet, tell their pals, and the word starts spreading.
Like, er Like, er Birds? Waves.
I tell you what, let's give them a wee laugh.
Bring that hat.
The one you got in Magaluf.
Oh no! Well I'm not sure about that.
Oh no, no! They'll love it, they'll love it.
Well, come on.
Let's see the posters.
Yes, we'd better get them down to the High Street ASAP.
Just to remind the people that I Sweet Jesus! No? Why are you doing this to me? Well Well, that's You know, that That's what you said you wanted.
I wanted the posters to send that message.
Well, you're You're not going to send it much better than that.
I mean I mean, this This sends it.
Exactly.
Mmmm Where's the taxi? Any minute.
Did you tell them a woman's about to have a baby? No.
Always tell them a woman's about to have a baby.
They come straight away.
Oh, here it is! Give me a break.
This isn't exactly Air Force One, is it? Er A woman's just had a baby.
'OK, Sadie.
'Ready for your last question? 'Yeah!' 'If I was standing under the Arc de Triomphe 'Where would I be?' Tour de France.
'Paris?' 'Correct!' 'Ah, no way!' 'Correct, Sadie!' 'Thank you so much!' 'No problem at all, Sadie.
Time for a blast of something soothing, 'and then I'll be talking to a man who wants your vote.
' Showtime.
We're ready for you now, Mr Servant.
Are you now? 'And now, the weather.
' 'A cold front is moving in from the east, 'but most of the day will be sunny with occasional showers.
'And now back to Anders in the Afternoon.
' How you doing, Anders? Ladies and gentlemen, something strange is happening at the moment in Broughty Ferry.
Leaflets, adverts, posters It can only mean one thing - yes, it's election time.
But not just any election - it's Broughty Ferry's very own by-election, so over the next five weeks we'll be meeting all the candidates here on Anders in the Afternoon.
But first up, I'd like to introduce someone who's a little bit different.
Thank you, Anders.
Because he's not a politician, and he's not flown up from the ivory towers of Westminster.
It is in fact local businessman, Bob Servant.
Hello, Anders.
Big fan of the show.
Oh, buttering me up already, eh? No, no, I'm not.
That was just a joke.
Politics is not a joking matter, Anders.
It's people's lives.
OK.
So When a lot of people will hear the name Bob Servant, they'll think of Broughty Ferry's own Cheeseburger Wars, which, I think it's fair to say, Bob, you did rather well out of.
Well, you know, Anders, what I like to say is, don't call it the Cheeseburger Wars.
Call it the Cheeseburger Massacre.
You can't just nod, mate, it's the radio.
OK, so, Bob You're asking us to vote for you in this by-election.
Why? I'm what is known as an independent candidate, Anders, which means I don't support what are known as the traditional political parties.
I'm familiar with the concept.
And having an independent candidate has never been done in an election.
I'm pretty sure it has, Bob.
Well, only in films.
Er Broughty Ferry's been good to me, Anders, and it's time for me to be good to Broughty Ferry.
Well, you're certainly going to spice things up in this by-election, Bob, I am pretty certain of that.
So what say we hit the phones and meet the voters? Absolutely, and don't screen the calls.
Throw me some grenades! Ha ha, OK.
Fighting talk there from independent candidate Bob Servant.
And I'm sure you're going to be facing tough questions today on the budget deficit, immigration, and, of course, the NHS.
Oh.
I thought it'd about local stuff.
Well, everything's local in politics, isn't it? Is it? OK, so first up, we have Carol from Maryfield Road.
Carol.
'I'd like to know what the candidate would do 'to help bring down the national debt.
' Good question.
The national debt, which was, at the last count? 'It's over a trillion pounds, Anders.
' Correct.
So, Mr Servant, one trillion pounds, what are you going to do to sort that out? Well, I think we should all just tighten our belts a little bit.
That's your entire policy? No, I've not finished.
I'm not one of those guys, and there's plenty of them out there, who are down on the binmen.
I mean, granted, they do make a lot of noise, but you cannae drive a lorry and empty bins and not make noise.
I mean, it's like asking a rock and roll drummer to go out there, do rock and roll, and not make a noise.
It's ridiculous.
Next call.
OK, we've got Stewart from West Ferry.
Stewart? 'Hi, I called last week about the dog mess in Dawson Park.
' Carry on, Stewart! Poo.
Dawson Park.
'Well, I live next to Dawson Park, 'and I can't even take my kids there because of the dog mess.
'It's disgusting.
' Stewart I'm an independent candidate, I make independent decisions, so here's one I think you're going to like.
No more dogs in Dawson Park.
There you go, done.
'What, really?' Er, that would be a council decision, surely? Oh Don't worry about the council, I'm primae noctis on this one.
If I win the by-election, all dogs will be banned from Dawson Park.
Bob, I really don't think this is So, Stewart, You and the little ones can roll around in the grass once again without the least concern.
And, and If you'll have me, I'll be rolling along right beside you.
'That's fantastic! So that's definite?' Signed, sealed, delivered.
Ah! Well Eh, Frank?! It's explosive stuff here on Anders in the Afternoon.
Um Next up, we've got Joan from Barnhill.
Joan.
'I don't know if this is something your guest can help with, 'but I got a very unfair parking ticket.
' Joan, Joan Parking tickets isn't the kind of thing Whoa-oh.
Let's hear it, Joan.
'I came out of the dry cleaners down at Brook Street.
' Oh, I know the one.
'And there was a traffic warden at my car.
' Looking pleased with himself? 'He was looking pleased with himself.
' Ah, surprise, surprise.
'He'd given me a ticket, but I was only three hours over.
' Three hours? That's nit-picking, Joan, and I won't have it.
Not on my watch.
Hang on the line, hen, my campaign manager will be with you directly.
And we could probably throw in a disabled parking badge as well.
There's a guy in Whitfield has a printer I think at this stage I should say that Broughty FM takes no responsibility for any advice given out by guests.
Next up, we've got Cathy from Fairfield Road.
Cathy.
'How on earth can you ban dogs from Dawson Park? 'I walk mine there every day.
'I clear up after him along with the vast majority of dog owners, 'so why the hell should we get banned because of the actions of others?' Do you want to take this one? It's all yours.
Er Cathy What would it take for you to walk your dog somewhere else? 'Why should I?! I'd have to drive' A number, a number.
Cathy, Cathy, Cathy, I'm looking for a number.
'What, you mean money?' Yep.
'But how?' Five grand? '£5,000?' Five large ones.
'Well that, er Yes, I could probably' Deal! And that would apply to every dog walker in Dawson Park? Absolutely, a one time payment of £5,000.
Cash.
Next! Er, next up, we've got Alan from Lochee.
Alan.
'Hi, I just heard the woman with the parking ticket.
'I received this speeding fine the other day' Did you hit anything, Alan? 'Er Well, not really.
' Alan 'Yes?' Rip it up.
'Pardon?' Rip it up! 'But It says, "Possible imprisonment.
"' What you got? Tom from Monifieth.
'I own a dog, I walk it in Dawson Park, 'and whether or not this moron wins the election, 'I will be walking it in Dawson Park in five weeks' time.
' Oh, you will, will you?! Absolutely.
Well, you'll regret it.
Or more accurately, your dog'll regret it.
'What do you mean?' I'll shoot it.
'You'll shoot my dog?' Bang, bang.
OK, going to have to stop it there, guys.
Ho ho! Thanks for all your calls folks, time for some music.
Well done, Bob.
Cheers, Frank, cheers.
It was a team effort.
To a degree.
What a start.
So You don't know anything about fraudulent disabled parking badges? Nope.
When you said "There's a guy in Whitfield with a printer"? Ahhh I was getting confused.
With what? Er With something I saw on Watchdog.
Nothing there.
I told you.
You don't own a gun? Course not.
So when you said you would shoot local domestic pets? That was a metaphor.
A metaphor? For what? Life.
Mr Servant We don't like receiving calls to say someone is declaring criminal acts on local radio.
Is that clear? Fair enough, fair enough.
Chase the real criminals sort of thing, right, yeah.
Good, yeah, good, got that.
Yeah.
Today's a warning.
But we'll be watching your campaign with interest.
And so will we.
OK, boys? Break a leg.
You see what's happening, Frank? The powers that be don't want an independent candidate.
It upsets the apple cart.
They're just trying to Birmingham Six you.
And they couldn't even bring themselves to say something about the extension.
Pathetic.
So how do you become a campaign manager? Well, I was 30 years in Bob's cheeseburger vans.
I see.
Director of sauces.
Mustards Ketchup Brown.
I mean, I That's That's just how I got into it, I I don't know if that's the usual route, you know? Those toilets are tiny.
How many students will I be talking to? Oh, depends what time the party finished last night, eh? Erm Give us the hat.
Bob, I don't Give us the hat! This will take the roof off.
Calm down, children! What's this? I tried to tell you.
I wanted young voters, Frank.
Not the fuckin' Secret Seven.
Mr Servant Hello, children.
Hello! Do you like children? Absolutely, I'm a family man.
How many kids do you have? None.
But I like families.
Boys and girls Now here's what I want youse to do.
I want youse to go home tonight and send a message to your parents.
- You all know your parents? - Yes.
Could be orphans.
Well, they could be.
Guys, any orphans? What's an orphan? No-one here is an orphan.
Mr Servant, please! All I'm saying is, tell your parents, or your Mother Superior, or whoever it is that looks after you, to vote for Bob Servant.
Mr Servant, I was hoping you could explain to the children about the by-election and how you came to stand in it.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I will, I will! I'm just warming them up.
Boys and girls I was standing in my extension.
I was listening to the radio.
And they said that Broughty Ferry's MP had Died.
No He wasn't dead.
Oh, yes! He was decapitated in a car crash on the A90.
He wasn't dead.
He just Can't do his job any more.
Because his legs fell off.
And his head.
What? Mr Servant! What's wrong with you?! They didn't like the leg stuff either.
Mr Servant.
OK, OK.
Calm down, calm down.
I was listening to the radio, and they said that Broughty Ferry's MP had gone away, and there was going to be a by-election, and I thought, "Well, this is a real kick in the chestnuts "for the poor boy's family.
I hope they bounce back ASAP.
" And I thought, "Well, you know, this might be a wee chance for me.
" As you all know, I am a bit of a face locally.
I mean, I've got a few quid, I've got opinions, and then the wheels, you know, start Children, a by-election is A by-election is where the Prime Minister asks the people of Broughty Ferry who their favourite person is.
Well One man, one vote.
One PERSON.
Democracy, just like every country in the world.
Not every country.
So, I want all of youse to go home tonight, to go out there and spread the word, put the pressure on.
Tell your parents, vote Bob Servant or you'll run away from home.
Make it personal.
OK, Mr Servant, thanks for coming in.
Right, boys and girls.
After three, "Vote for Bob Servant.
" One, two, three! Well done, Frank, that was a complete Hiroshima.
That was just a warm-up, Bob.
Why have we got this guy again? Well I've paid him for the day.
Never, ever, pay them for the day.
They get complacent.
Same with gardeners.
Right, Frank.
It's time to show Broughty Ferry what we're all about.
We're going to hit them with a PR blitz.
PR? Public relations.
Everything's PR, Frank.
PR.
Why do you think a bus driver doesn't drink on the job any more? Health and safety? PR! It's about creating a public image.
Burying the bad news.
When Cliff Richard poisoned that ball boy at Wimbledon, next day, just brought out a new pop record and it was all forgotten.
You see? Well, not really.
Why do celebrities adopt babies? Or "accidentally" walk into supermarkets without their pants on? PR? You got there, Frank.
Now you get the posters sorted, and I'll go and press some punter flesh.
Hello! Bob Servant, independent.
OK, lads.
Bob Servant, independent, standing in the by-election.
So you're up against this guy, then? Unbelievable.
The boy's not even here yet and he's throwing his money about.
Got good posters, though.
Mugabe's got good posters.
Hello.
All right? Bob Servant, independent, standing in the by-election.
OK.
Have I got your vote? Well I don't know.
I just walked all the way out here.
I've not decided yet.
What you doing? Waiting for you to decide.
I'm trying to fish here! Fine.
Put you down as a maybe.
Hi there! Will you be voting? All set, lads? Off to the disco? Frank, you remember when I was a member of Very Good Video? Oh, like it was yesterday.
I know the rest of youse were members of Blockbusters, the big boys.
You used to slag me off something rotten.
Because I'd defend Very Good Video.
I mean, I'd defend them like a Like a A lion.
A lion, aye.
Like a lion.
One day, I cancelled my membership to Very Good Video, and joined Blockbusters.
And bang! I could see straight away that Very Good Video were absolute shite.
Oh, terrible.
Well, it's like the public.
You know, when I was a member of the public, I used to think, "Well, they're not bad.
You know, they're good.
" I'd defend them.
But now I'm a politician, I look at the public, and I see them for the bunch of selfish Oh, hello! Did you tell my daughter she was an orphan? Frank speaking.
On, no.
No, I said she wasn't an orphan.
Who said she was? The ginger boy.
There was a ginger boy in your class, wasn't there? There you go.
Nasty piece of work.
Do you know where this kid lives? Vote for Bob Servant.
That was the radio station.
They want us back in! I'm not surprised.
They probably want me on as a disc jockey.
You know, shoot from the hip, that kind of thing.
I would say it's good for a campaign.
Well, we'll see what they're offering.
Go and get him, then! Bring him out! Boo boys! Are you going to shoot my dog? You! Round the back! Now! Who? Who? Who? Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I wrap up this evening, I think it's fair to say that this afternoon's show stirred up a bit of a hornet's nest after comments from by-election candidate Bob Servant.
But we made a quick call, and I'm very pleased to say that we've actually got the man in question back in the studio.
So, um Bob, thanks for coming back in.
Well, as it happens, I was just passing by.
You must have had a bit of a strange day.
I've had stranger.
Well, I'm not sure we have, after hundreds of complaints and people protesting outside, so I think I'd like to start by clarifying an important point.
On behalf of everyone here at Broughty FM, we'd like to reassure the dog owners of Broughty Ferry that no dogs will be executed no matter who wins the forthcoming by-election.
Bob, I'm sure you'd like to back me up on that.
Anders I just want to say on behalf of Bob Servant independent campaign team Well done.
And thank you for that.
I mean, there's no doubt in my mind that you chose, for whatever reason, to sensationalise the comments I made earlier today about dogs.
And clearly, clearly There's been a wee bit of Chinese whispers since then.
But would just like to say to the people of Broughty Ferry: People of Broughty Ferry, If I am elected your MP, and I suspect anyone, anyone, of even considering harming a dog, then that person will be arrested on the spot.
All right, come on, Bob, that is rid Furthermore, I had a meeting with the police earlier today on this very subject, and we found ourselves in broad agreement.
Broughty Ferry's dogs can sleep soundly in their cages tonight.
Right, I'm sorry, Bob, erm Forgive my confusion on this matter, but was it not actually you who suggested Anders, when you're in the middle of a political campaign, you do what is called testing the waters.
I mean, you come up with a policy and you see how the public react.
I mean, look at the Look at the poll tax or the Iraq War.
I mean, that's what the government did, they tested the waters, the public said no and the government said, "Fine, forget it, we were only joking anyway.
" I mean, that's politics, Anders, that's the name of the game.
Now, whatever the game is, I don't think you'll be getting many votes from dog owners.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Absolutely ridiculous.
Considering I'm a dog owner myself.
Oh, really? What's it called? Dancer.
Dancer? Well, um Maybe tomorrow you could take Dancer out when you're campaigning in Broughty Ferry, that'd be a really nice touch.
Well, I wish I could, Anders.
I wish I could, but, er Unfortunately, er Dancer ran away.
Ran away? When? Yesterday.
Ah, yesterday.
Well Why don't we see if we can't get him back for you? Perhaps you'd like to put out an appeal right now live on Broughty FM? All right.
Er, well I Dancer I'd just like to say all is forgiven.
Come home.
Daddy misses you.
And do you have a description of Dancer? Oh, he just loves life.
Loves it.
Barking and running about.
In fact, clearly he likes running about a bit too much, seeing as he's run away.
I was thinking more of a physical description.
Aye.
Well, um About a metre long.
Er Kind face.
Tail.
Any last words, Bob? Yes.
Vote for Bob Servant, and send a message to Westminster to leave our dogs alone.
'Next up on Broughty FM' Going to the dogs.
Sorry? I should have said something about going to the dogs.
We'll have to go back.
And how would we do that? Well, just rewind it.
Rewind it! Rewind it! Aye, rewind it.
Just rewind it.
Just Just rewind, Rewind it! Go back.
You can go back.
This is demeaning.
I'm not taking you otherwise.
They'll set the dogs on me.
Will, er you be voting, folks? We will now.
Great.