Bobcat Goldthwait's Misfits & Monsters (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

Mermaid

1 ANNOUNCER: Beauty in the deep.
The fascinating beauty of the underwater world, where we explore the mystery of ancient fable the fable of mermaids who live at Weeki Wachee.
Why are we here? Weeki Wachee was built in 1947 by former Navy frogman Newton Perry.
He took the largest freshwater springs in Florida, and he transformed it into America's finest and only magical aquatic mermaid revue.
I just fell asleep, so thank you for that.
Why are we really here? I'm in love with a mermaid.
Of course you are.
Just like the Jamba Juice girl.
No! No! No! No! Hey, it is nothing like that, all right? I was not in love with her.
I was in love with her Razzmatazz.
Ugh! Have you even spoken to this mermaid? [LAUGHS] She's a famous person.
You can't just go up and start talking to a famous person.
Of course it must be intimidating talking to a star of this caliber.
I'm going in.
Hey, don't leave me alone.
There are kids everywhere.
[GROANS, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] - Hmm, hmm, hmm.
- [SCOFFS] Those people make me sick.
What people? Those racists over there who got up and moved as soon as you sat down.
How do you know they don't wanna sit next to you? Huh? You assumed they moved because of my race? [CHUCKLING] You're the racist.
I am not racist.
I don't see color.
That is exactly what every racist says.
Look, everyone has a little racism in them.
I know I do.
You can't be racist! You're Indian.
Oh, my God.
That is the most racist thing anyone has ever said to me while trying to tell me they're not racist.
Oh, I hope you're ignorant 'cause, otherwise, you're stupid.
Okay, I should know if I'm prejudice.
I'm not defending it.
I'm acknowledging it so I can work past it.
I am not racist.
- Weeki Wachee is the place to be - Shh! The show is starting.
Racist.
Weeki Wachee is the place to be At Weeki Wachee, if you think you see mermaids Weeki Wachee Floating in the waters of blue Don't rub your eyes in surprise That you see mermaids Because at Weeki Wachee, you do At Weeki Wachee, as you drift among flowers Weeki Wachee You will then be dreaming anew So let your heart be a part of happy hours For dreams at Weeki Wachee come true And you will hear enchanting music From a strange enchantress, uh-huh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Just let the music weave it's magic [SMOOCHING] As you go [MOANS] Ugh.
Dude, you already have beaver fever.
You're gonna get giardia.
Mm.
Uh, yeah, all right.
Let's go.
You're not going anywhere.
In fact, you're going to the top of that lagoon and asking that mermaid out.
[CHUCKLES] Absolutely not.
She's too beautiful.
What if she shoots me down? Can't be any more embarrassing than French-kissing a fish tank.
Ooh! There's your chance.
No.
People are watching.
Hey, America! Can I have your attention, please?! See? No one.
Go.
Go.
No one cares about you.
[INDISTINCT TALKING IN DISTANCE] Hi! I'm Allan! I like your show.
I really love watching you.
[CHUCKLING] Wow.
That sounds like the first line of a self-defense film.
Idiot! Hi.
I'm Amatheia.
Uh, Allan.
Amatheia, uh is that your mermaid name? No, it's my only name.
We're not strippers.
Oh, of course.
[LAUGHS] Um Do you think that, uh, maybe sometime I could take you out on a date? No.
[ENGINE WHISTLING] - [GULPS] - Don't take it so hard.
You'll find some other tail out there.
I promise.
Well, yours is the only tail I want.
Wow.
You really said that out loud, didn't you? [SIGHS] Allan, just trust me, I'm definitely not your type.
[SCOFFS] Why not? You seem like a really nice guy.
Can you keep a secret? Of course.
I'm a mermaid.
Yeah, I know.
I think it's really cute.
No.
No, I mean, like, I'm a real mermaid.
[LAUGHS] Right I'm serious! You know what? I'm already regretting telling you.
- I shouldn't have told you.
- No! I Do you see this? That's a tail.
Just Ow! Ow! Now I'm bleeding.
Holy crap.
You're really a mermaid.
Promise you won't tell anyone? Your secret is safe with me.
She's a real mermaid.
What? An actual, real-life mermaid.
Did she say "yes" when you asked her out? Are you listening to me? She is half human, half fish! So? So?! I'm not going out with a mermaid.
Oh, is that because you're a racist? I am not a racist.
Okay, fine.
Prove it.
Fine.
You told him, didn't you? Namaste.
Seriously? Okay, yeah, but only because he's really cool and he he won't say anything, I swear.
Allan [SCOFFS] You guys can really mess things up for me.
I don't want to be treated like some kind of freak.
That's why I work here, 'cause I blend in.
Allan didn't mean any harm.
I mean, he has a stupid face, but he's a good guy.
And I I won't tell anyone.
- You promise? - Yes.
So what do you say? I mean, I have no problem with you being a mermaid 'cause I am not a racist.
Questionable.
So, you want to go out? - Okay, sure.
- Really? Yeah.
Why not? Oh, he is so excited.
[CHUCKLES] [ALLAN MUMBLING] You may see your wife now.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Can I get a look at him? He's half yours.
[CRIES] [SCREAMS] Oh, my boy.
My beautiful baby boy.
Aah! [SCREAMS] You do believe in mermaids, don't you? ANNOUNCER: You bet we believe in mermaids.
What if she has crabs? You're just jealous.
You can still back out of this, okay? Just admit to me that you're like everyone else and you're a little racist.
I am not racist not at all, okay? I don't see color or or species, and it's gonna be great.
Do you think she has a vagina? Ooh.
That's a question.
It's probably like what fish have.
Fish have vagina butts.
Yeah, it's all one big hole, but you don't see it, because it's in these flaps in their scales.
It's called a cloaca.
[MAN SCREAMS] Ugh.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah! That sounds s so hot.
Cloaca sex.
ANNOUNCER: Mermaids get appetites, too.
This is probably one of the most difficult feats of all the unique features at Weeki Wachee, actually eating underwater.
Drinking underwater, too? Of course.
But you have to be real thirsty.
How was it? - Do you like oysters? - Yeah.
I love 'em.
Oh, besides, I can myself a new top.
Well, I think you're gonna need bigger shells.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, just so you know, I am totally cool with you being a [WHISPERS] mermaid.
Yeah, I can tell.
You seem totally cool about it.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Uh, so, where were you born? Mm.
Near Atlantis.
The mythical underwater city? No, the casino in the Bahamas.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Hey.
My tail's starting to dry up, and it's so itchy right now.
Could you pour a little water on it? Um i is sparkling okay? Yeah, that'd be nice.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[TAIL FLAPPING] [MOANING] Oh, that feels so good.
Right there.
Oh! Yes.
Yes! Oh, my God! I'm so wet! Oh! Thank you! Oh! Oh! Ahh! Ahh!! [CLEARS THROAT] [SIGHING] Ohh.
Thank you.
Ohh.
Thank you.
The oysters are really good.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] - So, let me ask you, what's the biggest misconception about Mermaids? Ugh! That we all want human legs.
And I blame that bitch Ariel.
Do you know how much time I save every day because I don't have to shave my legs? I don't want to change anything about myself, you know? I love who I am.
- Let's dance.
- No.
Why not? Because I I can't dance.
You know what? Like, I got the full collision on this baby when I rented it.
I want to see what she can do.
They're all looking at me.
Yeah, 'cause you're the most beautiful woman in here.
[CHUCKLES] Just you Just me Let's find a cozy spot To cuddle and woo Just us Just we I've missed an awful lot My trouble is you Oh, gee What are your charms for? What are my arms for? Use your imagination Just you Just me I'll tie a lover's knot Tie a lover's knot BOTH: I'll tie a lover's knot Around wonderful you [APPLAUSE] [ALL GASP, APPLAUSE STOPS] What's the big deal? You guys never seen a mermaid before? Sir, your card was declined.
Ha! I have a confession to make.
I tried to back out of this date.
Why? Well, when I found out you were a mermaid, I I don't know.
I was an idiot.
Well, then why did you ask me out? My friend Ravi said I was racist, and I wanted to prove him wrong, but I guess I am kind of a racist.
I'm working on it.
Hey I have a confession to make, too.
Fire away.
There's one thing that makes me wish that I had legs.
It's It's something I've never done before.
What is it? [CHUCKLES] I want to swing.
Yeah, I could be into a polyamorous lifestyle if that's what you wanted.
[CHUCKLES] That's freaky.
I I was talking about those swings.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING] Oh! [LAUGHS] Yes, of course.
I Yeah, those swings.
You know, like kids? Yeah! Yeah! Ah, your wish is my command.
Oh, good! [LAUGHING] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whee! Wow! [LAUGHING] Whee! Ah! I love this! Now, come on, tell me the truth.
Are you really into multi-partners? 'Cause you seem kind of square.
Yeah, totally! Okay, fine.
[SIGHS] I mean, I'd be lucky to even have a girlfriend.
I'm actually kind of a nerd.
Aww, you're a sweet nerd.
Aww! Thanks.
Now push me higher.
Higher! Higher! Higher! You have the most beautiful eyes.
You're a cute Cub Scout.
You want to earn your merit badge? That's moving a little fast.
I thought we could talk, get to know each other a little bit.
No, cut the chitchat, and get in my cloaca.
- Oh! - [MOANS] Oh! Higher! Yes! Right there.
Higher.
Higher! Higher! Good one.
Oh! Oh! [LAUGHS] Oh! Oh, yes! Higher! Higher! Oh! [BODY THUDS] [CRICKETS CHIRPING] [GRUNTING] Hey.
Are you all right? Are you okay? Hmm? [GROANS] Yeah, man.
That's my face.
You're not dreaming.
Oh.
God.
I'm sorry.
Look at the stars.
Aren't they beautiful? [CELLPHONE RINGS] Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's Ravi.
Do you mind if I take this? Sure.
Hey, man.
What's up? Hey, I'm calling so you have an excuse to leave.
Oh, no, I don't need one.
She's great.
Okay, you win.
You're not a racist, okay? Now blow her off, and come hang out with me.
Okay, look, I know I kind of originally went out with her just to prove you wrong, but it is not like that anymore.
She is awesome.
I really like her.
Okay, but I'm not gonna be the one to pick up the broken pieces of your broken heart, okay? Not again.
Unh-unh.
I'm not doing it.
[WHISPERING] I think we might hook up.
Ooh, maybe don't say the word "hook.
" [CELLPHONE BEEPS] - Everything okay? - Oh, yeah.
He forgot where his pants were.
I told him to look down.
He's all set now.
I had such a great time tonight.
I really like you.
I like you, too, but there's something I should tell you.
Oh, yeah? What's that? MAN: Hello, whore! Yoo-hoo! - Ignore that.
- Who is that? - Yoo-hoo.
- [SIGHS] That's my ex.
Don't you ignore me, you filthy sea hag.
[LAUGHS] You dated Neptune? Yeah, well, he has a really big trident.
Yeah, I can see it from here.
He's so possessive.
He's always like, "I'm the king of the sea.
" Blah, blah, blah.
Such a narcissist.
NEPTUNE: Oh, oh, hello! You know I can hear you? Oh, yeah, and he has really good hearing, too.
Amatheia, baby, I love you.
What do you see in that puny biped? Well, he's twice the man that you are! - Oh, yeah, whore? - Hey! You watch your mouth! Don't engage him.
What are you gonna do about it, punk? How about I come over there and knock ya lights out, fish stick?! Anytime you want.
The water's fine.
All right, let's just ignore him and get out of here - 'cause that's what he does! Let's go.
- No.
No.
Nobody talks to you that way.
NEPTUNE: Aw, I'm in trouble now.
Come on.
You feelin' froggy? Take the leap.
[GRUNTS] [GASPS] [INHALES DEEPLY] No one's ever defended my honor before.
You're worth it, baby.
ANNOUNCER: It's been a long exciting day, so it's back into the shell for a little mermaid nap.
So, can I get in with you? Oh, I had a wonderful time tonight, but no.
Oh, um, okay.
When can I see you again? Allan, you are really sweet, but I don't date white guys.
What? I tried tonight.
I really did.
But it's just not my thing.
Oh, my God.
You're a racist.
Yeah.
I guess so.
Weeki Wachee is the place to be Weeki Wachee is the place to be Hey.
Why so blue? That's very funny.
I've never heard that one before.
Floating in the waters of blue Ugh.
Mermaids.
Trust me, you're better off.
[SCOFFS] Mermaids And I know 'cause I have had 'em all manatees, sea hags.
You ever get head from a squid? [SLURPS] You just got to watch out for the beaks.
Look, I'm really sorry about stabbing you with that marlin.
Aw, don't worry about it.
I can be kind of an asshole.
Hey, listen, I know a good wood nymph bar right down the street.
You in? Do you think they'd like me? They're wood nymphs, bro! They're freaks! They live everybody! - Yeah, wood nymphs! - Yeah! Weeki Wachee Weeki Wachee is the place to be Why don't you go? Weeki Wachee - Oh, boy.
- Mark.
I'm not going out with a mermaid! Is that because you're a racist? MAN: All right.
We got to go again! GOLDTHWAIT: It's a mermaid tale about casual racism.
I don't think that's been done before.
No, and I know people are going, "Boring! Not another racist mermaid show.
" [CHUCKLES] Weeki Wachee has been open since 1947.
We had actual Weeki Wachee mermaids in the episode.
You were the first non-Weeki Wachee person to ever swim in that big pond there.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
That's cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause we probably, technically, weren't supposed to do that but but So, can I get in with you? You're so sweet, but I don't really like white guys.
What the [LAUGHTER] - Cut that.
- Nailed it.
You did a lot of your own stunts.
It was freezing cold, and you jumped in the water, and you got beat up by Neptune.
The underwater fight scene was fun.
- We had to - Yeah.
drilled some flip-flops into some boards and weighted down the actors.
They would swim to the bottom and they would put their feet so they wouldn't move, and then they would take a couple hits off the oxygen.
I play the handsome love interest.
GOLDTHWAIT: How did you prep for the role? Uh, I ate a lot of carbs, and I thought about fish.
GOLDTHWAIT: Where we were filming, there was signs warning - that there's alligators.
- Right.
So I And water moccasins.
And I had them take the signs down.
You had them removed as not to frighten me or the alligators.
EVERETT: There's just almost 100% chance I would not have gotten into the water had I known that I could've been killed by an alligator.
I just thought, as an actor, you would be thinking about that.
You don't want to worry me unnecessarily or give me the option of saying, "Hey, how 'bout I don't go in.
" - No.
- No! Certainly not.
GOLDTHWAIT: Would you have gotten in the water if you had known there was alligators.
Yeah, probably.
I mean, I did have a trident.
- Come on.
- For like a 10-second shot, you were willing to risk the lives of all your actors and crew.
Oh, you should say friends.
The alligators would've been minor compared to them ripping the hair from my chest.
The closer you are to me, the more I torture you in an episode.
Then I feel like we are related at this point.
We are definitely bonding and becoming close.
Bridget, who I'm close to, she had to wear that 70-pound mermaid tail.
EVERETT: He just bound my feet together in a tail that could've sunk me.
You look relaxed and calm.
Were you? Uh, yeah.
Sort of.
- Yeah? - I was really trying to just dazzle the DP, who happens to be really handsome.
I'm Amatheia.
Hi, Bradley.
I'm the one that got Bradley to take off his shirt and get in the water.
Those are the moments when you are like, "What am I doing with my life?" You're like, "This is what I'm doing with my life.
" [LAUGHS] - Aaah! - [BODY THUDS] Do you think this is one of the pools where, when you pee, the color of the water changes? GOLDTHWAIT: Did you stop peeing? - You m Just now? - [LAUGHS] You're so complimentary to your actors.
You tell everyone how good they are and when they're doing a great job, and I feel bad because no one on the set tells you how well you're doing.
- Aw, no, they - And I think that there's a reason for that.
[LAUGHS]