Bobcat Goldthwait's Misfits & Monsters (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

The Buzzkill

1 [BUZZING] Okay.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
[RAPPING] Yo, you may be hot but you're a teen Why did your mama raise you so mean? It's called a diss track Hey, man.
Teenager made fun of you today? Barely.
By the way, Ben, you are late.
We're not gonna win battle of the bands if we don't have time to rehearse.
Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem, Leo.
Don't call me by that name, okay? How is the audience gonna respect me if you don't refer to me by my proper new deejay moniker? New deejay moniker? What was wrong with DJ Mothman2000? It's boring.
It's cliché.
It's trite.
Yeah, it was a pretty bad name, actually.
- What's the new one? - DJ Mothman3000.
Nice.
Okay.
We actually have to have a talk.
Let me guess, you're nervous about tonight.
Don't be.
I'm telling you, all you have to do is imagine the audience completely naked.
That would make me super horny.
I'm not nervous about the show.
You're worried about, what, me being naked? That was a one-time thing, and I assured you I'm not worried about anything 'cause I'm quitting the band.
- What?! You can't quit the band.
- Yes, I can.
We're Austin's number-one folk-pop/trance-trap duo! We're Austin's only folk-pop/trance-trap duo.
Exactly! That's what makes Plastic Lasso so unique.
No, that's what makes us suck.
Everybody hates us.
We don't have a single fan.
- What about Dale? - Dale died.
- I honestly didn't know.
- Yeah.
Killed himself.
- Huh.
- Bad taste in music.
- You hate to hear that.
- Yeah.
But listen, no great artist is respected in their time.
I mean, think about The Beatles or Elvis.
Both universally adored during their time.
Frickin' Snow.
- Who's Snow? - Snow! Canadian hip-hop lyrical wizard.
- The "Informer"? - Yeah! "He licky bum-bum down"? He really did "licky bum-bum down.
" Fine.
Great.
Well, that's Snow and we're Plastic Lasso.
Okay? And I'm giving up on music, and I've decided to raise bees.
You have live bees in that box? Oh yeah.
I'm all-in on bees.
They're far superior, they're never gonna let you down, and they're gonna live with us.
I already started giving them names.
Come here.
That's Bob Sting-y.
Not what you think, though.
He's a big fan of The Police.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
- Nice.
- Listen, you can't just make bees your pet.
Remember that day you adopted a turtle? You've been ignoring him ever since.
I don't ignore that turtle.
TURTLE: I beg to differ! I could really use a shave.
The turtle's had a bad attitude since Day One.
I'll telling you, bees are much better.
I watched half a documentary on Animal Planet.
I learned that bees are highly intelligent.
They all follow the queen and think as a whole.
You know what? I wish I was a bee.
You're an idiot.
You're quitting the band because you wish you were a bee? [DOORBELL BUZZES] Great.
My new girlfriend's here.
Her name's Ruby.
In fact, let's make a deal.
Let's play her the new song that I wrote, and if she loves it, then we'll keep the band intact.
If not, you can quit and raise bees or whatever the hell.
I'm not doing that.
- Hey, Larry.
- Leo.
Whatever.
Oh! Is this your roommate? - Hey.
- You didn't tell me he was so handsome.
Maybe I'll do one song.
Take a seat.
What's going on? We're about to play a song.
It's gonna blow your ass through your face, babe.
Cool.
[PLAYING ACOUSTIC GUITAR] - Whoo! - Yeah.
This one goes out to the lovely Ruby.
She is a gem.
[LAUGHS] She's my girlfriend.
No.
- It's not that serious.
- It's pretty serious.
She's my dandy, she's my daisy She's bowlegged and she's crazy BOTH: She's mentally unstable She's mentally unstab [GASPS] Ohh! Oh! Oh, my God, my head.
Ben? Leo? That's not my name! Oh, my God! Mothman2000.
- 3000.
- What? 3000.
2000 sucks.
3000's awesome.
Oh, my God! Mothman3000.
Yeah? - Are you happy? - Mm-hmm.
I'm going to kill you if we're not dead.
- Hey.
Look up.
You see that light? - Yeah.
I'm gonna try to push it open.
All right.
Ready, on four.
- Why four? - Two three and [GRUNTS] [BOTH GROANING] Ohh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ohh.
[MOANS] - Hey! Stop that.
- What? You're making sex noises.
It's weird.
Ben, I'm a sexual person.
I'm sorry.
- Ohh, yeah.
- You're a moron.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[POP!] [CLANG] [BOTH SCREAM] - Oof! - Ow.
- Ahhhh - Ahhhh! some! [GROANS] We're bees! Holy smokes! We must've been reincarnated.
Bees?! Dirty, filthy bees and now I'm covered in their what is that? Ugh! - Their semen? - It's - Their piss? - I don't think so.
- Ugh! I'm gonna be sick! - It's honey.
I think.
Actually [SLURPS] Yeah! Yeah, it's honey.
Wow, what a risky move.
- What if it wasn't? - I don't know.
You just put it in your mouth, you idiot.
Actually, bees are quite clean.
[SCRATCHING] [SNIFFING] Damn.
BOTH: Ew! Except him.
Yeah, that guy's gross.
Hey, it ain't my fault my butt itches.
You don't have to smell it.
Sorry, sir, do you mind? We're having a private conversation here.
All right, well, I'm having a private butt itch.
This is your fault.
We could've been reincarnated as anything like George Clooney's penis.
What? No.
That's not how reincarnation works.
Fine! George Clooney's balls, then.
Definitely still not how it works.
This is not happening.
I'm having a dream.
[LAUGHS] Yes! I want you to wake me up.
Slap me across the face.
I'm not gonna slap you across the face I'm a Buddhist now.
- Will you hit me, please? - Hit him hard! Will you mind your own beeswax? Leo, you like that? You see what I did there? - Yeah, I saw.
- Slap him! I think it turns him on.
Great, so I'm definitely not gonna do it.
Haha! "Beeswax.
" I just got that.
Shut up! All right, slap me.
Ommm.
Hit him! Hit him! Hit him! - [GRUNTS] - [GROANS] Ahh! Aww, it's not dream.
Hey, maybe it's my dream.
BOTH: Will you shut up? You shut up.
- Help me up.
- There you go, buddy.
Ahh! Hey! Hey! Ow! - Ooh! Knock it off! - Get Get your Buddhist bee ass - Hey! It's not my fault! If I could make wishes come true, I'd be married to Lisa Turtle! From "Saved by the Bell"? Did somebody say "turtle"? I always thought of you more of a Jessie Spano man.
Ew.
No.
Jessie Spano? Take that back! Agh! She was cute! She was Slater's girl! Hey! Dumbasses! Can you stop fighting? You're gonna wake the larvae.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Watch it! You almost hit me.
What's the problem here? What's the problem here? I don't know I'm a [BLEEP] bee?! We're all bees, nimrod! I beg to differ.
I Why am I not reincarnated? ALL: Will you shut up? No, I'm a human.
And Ben turned me into a bee.
You two need to relax.
You've just been through a traumatic experience.
I'm happy to be a bee.
Look! I can fly.
Wee! Whoa! Come on, Leo! Check it out, man! Come fly with me! Leo! What? Whoa! Where are you going? I'm out of here, Tinker Bell.
This place is a dump.
You haven't even given it a [GRUNTS] [INHALES SHARPLY] - Holy crap.
- Holy crap.
Holy crap.
Holy crap.
[LARVAE BELCH] What did I tell ya? Look at this place.
Everyone doin' a job.
Everyone livin' in harmony.
It's pretty impressive, ain't it? LEO: I'll say.
[WOLF WHISTLE] [PANTING] Aroo! [AH-OOGAH!] [DINGING] [MUTTERING] - [WOLF WHISTLE] - You see? This is what human beings are missing.
Right, pal? Leo? Leo?! Leo?! Come back! Leo! Leo? Leo? [GASPS] Can you help me? I've lost my friend.
His name is Leo, but his deejay name is Mothman3000.
Antidisestablishmentarianism A-N-T-I-D-I - Armageddon - Yeah, good luck talking with any of them.
They're spelling bees.
- C-L-O-A-C-A.
- Lycanthropy L-Y-C-A-N-T-H-R-O-P-Y.
Lycanthropy.
Can you help me? I've lost my friend.
Good luck there's over 40,000 bees in this hive.
You are screwed S-C-R-E-W-E-D.
Screwed.
Leo! Leo! Hey, buddy! Come back, man! Excuse me? Miss Queen? Whoa! Tough hive.
Easy, fellas.
I don't wanna end up in a wasp-ital.
[CHUCKLES] Get it? "Wasp-ital"? Come on, boys, don't be bay-bees.
Nothin'? All right.
Is this thing on? You wanna taste my stinger, bumblebee? That sounds yummy.
I am, however, allergic to pricks.
[LAUGHS] Let him go.
Excuse me, boys, comin' through.
Have we met? Uh, yes.
It was in my dreams.
[TRILLS] [BARKS] Do you know who I am? By the look of these gin-bottle rejects, I'd say you're the Queen.
You know, I could have you killed.
Ahh, but you won't.
And how do you know? Bee-cause you're smitten.
[CHUCKLES] I am? I saw you givin' me the eyeball.
Don't deny it, ya crazy little minx.
- Leo! Leo! - Who is that? Paparazzi.
Don't worry about it.
Now, where were we? BEN: Leo! [GRUNTS] Do you know who that is? Yeah.
It's the Queen.
And she was about to show me her honeycomb.
It's not what you think.
It's a euphemism.
for her vagina.
Don't wait up.
You're gonna get us killed! Go get them and bring them to me! [BOTH GROANING] Watch it.
That's pointy.
I am so sorry, your majesty.
My friend sucks.
We beg your forgiveness.
- And who are you? - We're big rap stars.
There's been a huge mistake.
We're not really bees.
We're Plastic Lasso Austin's premier folk-pop/trance-trap duo.
- [CHUCKLES] Entertainers? - Uh-huh.
- Kind of.
- Let's hear it.
She's my dandy, she's my daisy Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-daisy She's bowlegged and she's crazy Bow-bow-bow-bow-bowlegged Don't encourage them! Take them to the prison.
We haven't even gotten to the chorus.
That part's catchy.
Ahh! See ya at the merch table! I mean, you guys dug it, didn't you? - You ruin everything! - Ahh, it could be worse.
[SNIFFING] Hey.
All right, you're right.
This is the worst.
[SOBBING] I'm sorry! I won't do it again! [SOBBING] Please! No! No! [SOBS] [CROWD GASPS] - Ew.
- Ew.
[CHEERING] What did she do? Her? Oh, spoke to the Queen.
No! God! I knew it! We're gonna die! Oh, man! We're done! We're goners! Call my lawyer! Ow.
Ben, pull it together, okay? I got us into this mess.
I'll get us out.
Almost - Yes! - Awesome! - Are you coming? - Hell, no! If they catch you, you'll die the death of 10,000 stings.
I'm gonna stay here with the ass-picker guy.
You smart.
Come on, you coward.
[SNORING] - [SNIFFS] Oh, no.
- What? Pollen.
[SNORING] [SNEEZES LOUDLY] Huh? Hey.
[GRUMBLES] - Hey! - En garde! [GRUNTS] You go get 'em, pal.
I am right behind you.
[BOTH GRUNTING] Ommm.
Stand up and fight! Aah! Prepare to die! Aah! Oh, no! Oh, no! Where am I? Wh What's happening? Who are you? Where am I? I am so confused! Mother! Awesome! We did it.
I don't know if "we" did it.
Yeah, we did it together.
More or less.
MAN: Attention! Shh.
Men, over there are a bunch of foreign bees.
I need you to come with me as we spy on 'em.
Oh, my God! Hideous monsters! Retreat! Oh, God! Retreat! There's scores of 'em! We must fly back and advise the Queen to launch a full-swarm attack.
Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Where are you goin'? We gotta save them from themselves, man.
If they attack their reflection, they're all gonna drown.
Bees can't swim.
How do you know that? Haven't you ever looked in a pool skimmer? I thought you said bees were intelligent.
They are! They're just bad swimmers.
Come on.
We can't let 'em die.
You're gonna get us killed again.
We must protect the hive! [CHEERING] We must attack these foreign bees before they attack us! We will make the hive great again! [CHEERING] It is now time for us to destroy our enemy! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! [ALL CHANTING] Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm S-W-A-R-M.
Swarm.
Swarm! ALL: Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Actually Excuse me? Excuse me? - Swarm! - Shut up! [ALL GASPING] With all due respect, Queen, this is a terrible idea.
[ALL GASPING] - Boo! - Boo! Fake news! Fake news! Silence! Bring those two to me.
Let go of me! And the rest of you swarm! [BUZZING] Take him to the guillotine, and take the cute one to my mating chamber.
I guess this is goodbye, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm going to get my head cut off, and you're going to be just getting Hey! That's our Queen.
I'll never forget you, Leo! There's got to be some kind of mistake here.
You've been a brother to me, man.
Do not send him in there, okay? The Queen would be much happier with me.
- No offense! - Best friends forever, dude! You suck! The Queen is in there.
Refer to her only as "Your Highness.
" Got it.
Easy.
I have a history with high-maintenance women.
Oh, uh, hello.
Hello, Your Highness.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut up and mount me! Oh, boy, what happened to foreplay? QUEEN: Get busy, bee.
[CHUCKLES] Any last words? Do you think I'm handsome? Mm.
I guess.
Thank you! I just can't figure out why I'm going to die and my friend here gets to live.
Oh, he's dying, too.
During sex with the Queen, the mating drone's penis breaks off, and then he dies.
- Really? - Yeah.
And I thought my divorce was hard.
All right.
That's enough.
One two Aah! [GRUNTING] Hah! [GRUNTS] Smell y'all later.
Get in me, moron! Here we go.
Oh, yeah! - Ohh! - That's not my vagina.
- Of course.
- Not even close.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
[ALL CHANTING] Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! [GRUNTING] Aah.
Pull my antenna! Kinky.
I can't reach it, though.
Zz-zz-zz-zz! Ow! Move your stinger! Sorry.
[GASPS] No one disrespects our Queen.
For that, you shall die.
["CHARGE" PLAYS] I beg to differ! I got this, Leo.
Ahhh! You're not dying today, turtle! Not on my watch! Yikes.
That's gotta hurt.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, well.
[BOTH GRUNTING] [MOANING] - Oh, God.
- [GRUNTS] - Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! - For the Queen! Zz-zz-zz-zz! Mm! Zzzzzzz! [LAUGHS] [BOTH GRUNTING] Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! - Oh, yeahhh! - Ahhhhhhh! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Aaah! Ohhhh! [SCREAMING] - Stop! - Leo? - Ohh, yeahhh! - Stop! Your penis is gonna break [SCREAMS] off.
Ohh.
Oh, I'm dyin'.
I'm dyin' here, man.
Hey.
Hey, come closer.
I need you to do something for me, all right? Anything, pal.
I need you to pick up my penis Okay? and stick it in me.
Um I think we both know that's not going to happen.
- Stick it in me.
- No.
Stick it in me.
I need you to find my penis and stick it in me.
What the hell did you do to him, Doc? Stick it in me! Ben.
Ben, wake up.
Leo? Yeah.
You came back for me.
I did.
[CHUCKLES] I had the craziest dream.
You were there and you weren't there.
Of course not.
We were bees, and we were living with a bunch of bees.
And they didn't think for themselves at all and it led to their demise.
They lived in fear and they blindly followed their authoritarian leader.
Thank God it was just a dream.
That stuff cannot happen in reality.
Thank God! [BOTH LAUGH] Man, I don't wanna leave the band.
Awesome.
- Good to see you again, Ben.
- Ahhh! Ahhh! Ohhh! Dude, get out of here.
Quick.
She's going to destroy your penis.
I know! So hot.
No, it's not hot.
I mean, like, literally destroy it.
It's gonna be awesome.
No, like, pull it of your freakin' body.
I know! I'm right here.
I can hear you.
He's still suffering from the trauma.
We should leave him "bee.
" [GROANS] Smart.
Ahhhh.
Good man.
Good talk.
Good fight.
Good night.
[BUZZING] Ahh! Feel better soon.
- Comin', babe? - Oh.
Yeah.
Just saying goodbye.
Oh.
She's a bee.
Bees' is an animated episode [SCREAMS] Awe-some! The idea behind it was to do like a Hope and Crosby, or a Martin and Lewis, you know, I love those old school comedies.
Thanks for doing the show.
- Of course, thank you for having us.
- You guys are hilarious.
And I'm really happy with it.
It was important to me that we hired a real comedy team.
Instead of hiring two actors.
'Cause that's something you can't you just can't do it.
What are you doing here so late, Ben? We're not gonna win Battle of the Bands if we don't rehearse! - Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem, Leo.
- Why is that? Because you're freaking sorry I forgot the line, - 'cause you threw a shoe - Sorry about that.
Yeah, we're definitely a comedy team and not actors.
Yeah! But you really Talking a lot over each other quickly back and forth in a passive/agressive way.
- I don't trust anybody anymore.
- You can trust me! You've slept with my last three girlfriends.
- And I'm gonna apologize for that.
- When? - When I get around to it.
- OK.
You always wonder in a buddy true buddy form, why are these people friends? He hit him in the head with a wrench the last the last time I saw these guys.
- You're and idiot.
- You're moron.
You just put it in your mouth, you idiot! My friend sucks.
Ow! I've done my fair amount of animated voices.
It's different, uh simply because we're asking you to do a lot of really silly things.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, yeah! Everyone was saying, like, "Go bigger, and and be crazier", and that's usually, like, the opposite.
Especially the opposite of what you guys do.
So yeah, to ask you to take your glasses off, so that you could go That was good, very physical.
I wisely stepped back too and kind of let Tom Kenny and Dave Boat do the directing on that.
At one point you went to the bathroom for, I think it was an hour, and you came back and you said, "Are you herbs done?" - We weren't yet.
- No, I - What's the problem here? - What's the problem here? I don't know I'm a [BLEEP] bee?! We're all bees nimrod! I beg to differ.
I why am I not reincarnated? - Will you shut up? - Just watching two real professionals do that is it's very humbling.
Yeah, I said it felt like I was taking a master class that I had paid for.
Well, I've known Tom Kenny since I was six years old.
We went to Catholic school and this nun was crying, and she was dragging me into Tom's classroom.
I was kicked out of my own classroom, and Tom thought it was cool that I could make a nun cry.
And he introduced himself at lunch.
I remember because I'm sure he didn't have any friends, and I was like, looking at Tom Kenny, I was like, "This guy needs a friend".
But he always wanted to be in this world that he's doing, and I didn't know that I wanted to be directing, but, when I think back, like, in our locker rooms, I mean in our lockers, Tom Kenny and I, I had a picture of Mel Brooks, and then he had a picture of Mel Blanc, seriously, so I should have known that this is where I wanted to end up.
No-one saw that coming!