Bob's Burgers s07e14 Episode Script

1 LOUISE: Tina, wrap it up, huh? You've been at the touch tank forever.
But I haven't even touched the sea cucumber.
He's playing hard to get.
Have you done the penny crusher yet? Yeah, but I didn't have a penny, so I crushed our house key.
So, yeah, I think we've done all there is to do here.
Oh, hi, Judy.
Feeding time, huh? No.
Just doing a detail job on the urchin's anus.
Good work if you can get it.
Sure is, but it looks like I won't be able to do it much longer.
Why? Did the sea urchin learn how to brush its own anus? No.
The aquarium is shutting down.
- Wait, what? - Huh? - Makes sense.
- The aquarium is shutting down? - I know.
- But why? Well, it's never been much of a moneymaker, and this year I can't even pay my taxes.
But the aquarium can't close.
We love this place.
Right? I mean, right? Eh, we're not as touchy-fishy as you are.
Nobody is.
Question: have you considered making more money? I have.
That's why I expanded the key chain section to include my handmade jewelry.
They make great gifts.
Well, I mean, they make gifts.
You just need more people in here.
We could try to rustle up some customers for you.
We do it all the time for our family's restaurant.
Hey, guy walking by, do you love aquariums? Sure you do.
I can tell by the way you're avoiding eye contact with me.
You, lady with the stroller.
Want to take a break and sit down for the low, low price of four dollars for adults, two dollars for kids under 12? No? Okay.
Then it's your fault this place is closing.
Monsters.
And we cleared the entire block.
(laughs) Okay, have a good one.
Wait, they tipped you eight dollars? - Yup.
- Geez.
That's a huge tip.
I-I don't get tips like that.
Of course not.
Wait, why "of course not"? Oh, nothing.
Never mind.
No.
What do you mean, Lin? Sometimes you can come off a little surly.
- What? I'm not surly.
- Eh.
May I suggest gruff? Well, you're not conventionally charming, you know? And-And charming's what gets tips.
Uh, I think you're charming, Bob.
Thank you, Teddy.
- That one time.
- Mm.
I'm just saying if you wanted some help with your customer relations, I could give you some pointers.
Uh, I can turn on the charm if I want to, Lin.
I can get tips.
Big tips.
Why don't you, uh, show us what you got? Okay.
I will.
All right.
BOB: So, how's everyone doing this afternoon, this late afternoon? Great, thanks.
So, uh, the, uh, the food is good? Yes, it is good.
Has anyone seen the weather outside today? I-I hear it was it was windy earlier and then not so windy now.
Uh-huh.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I was just leaning casually on the I don't know where to lean.
I'm gonna go let you eat.
I'm gonna leave now.
Oh, my God, that was horrible.
(whispering): Terrible.
You made everyone so uncomfortable.
- (whispering): Everyone.
- All right, I get it.
Ah, you just need a little tune-up, is all.
Luckily, I'm an expert, so you're in good hands.
Do not ask us to work because we've been hustling our little tushes off all morning.
Oh, yeah? Where you been? At the aquarium.
It's shutting down.
You mean the key chain store? It's an aquarium.
Oh, the little one by the ferry? Man, I haven't been there in forever.
No one has.
That's why they can't pay their taxes.
Wait, aren't aquariums nonprofits? It's really a key chain store with fish.
And you're a body odor store with burgers.
- Tina! - Sorry.
Sorry, Dad.
It's too bad they're not a church or a place of worship.
Then they'd be tax-exempt.
Wait, churches don't pay taxes? Churches don't pay taxes, but they're hard to heat, so it balances out.
Interesting.
Right, Tina? I mean, I guess.
I never thought about heating costs for churches, but sure.
High ceilings, all those windows (whistles) Not the heating part.
The other part.
- Cooling costs? - Ugh.
Just come with me.
LOUISE: And they walk you through it.
In 12 to 25 easy steps, you could become a tax-exempt place of worship.
The church of Aquaticism.
Ah.
Make up a religion? I don't know.
Hey, look, I'm not much of a lyin' Brian myself, but if it means keeping this place open, then we'll do what we got to do and take it to our graves, right? So, Judy, are you in? Everybody lies on the Internet.
It is not a big deal.
I figured that out the hard way.
Just because a man's e-mail address has Tony Danza in it does not mean he's Tony Danza.
So? (sighs) All right.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
Who's the Boss now? Wait, what are we doing? Oh, making up a religion to get out of paying taxes this is giving me queasy knees.
Yeah, that's how you know you're doing the right thing.
- Keep going.
- Okay, last question.
"Please provide a brief history of the church.
" - I don't know.
- All right, all right.
Aquaticism has been making waves and touching lives for over 30 years.
It's been a beacon of light for lost souls ever since our founders first put fingers to fish.
Judy, type faster, huh? "First put fingers to fish" and? And felt a wave of fulfillment and connection and peace and a place to go after school.
Judy, could you type a little faster? Okay, okay.
Oh, boy.
And submit.
Sort of surprised you didn't want to read over it again, but bing, Bam, boom.
Congratulations, everyone.
So is this place a church now? Did we save the aquarium? I think we did.
- (computer chimes) - What do we got here? Aquaticism All right.
MAN: What? Nothing.
That was easy.
What should we do next? Manipulate the stock market? - (computer beeps) - What's this? "Thank you for your application.
"An agent will be in contact with you to arrange an inspection"? - Well played, IRS.
- Oh, my God! Judy, it's a curve ball, sure, but we can do this.
What if we can't? We could get in serious trouble.
- Who's "we," grown-up? - What? Don't listen to him, even though he's right.
Look at me.
Technically, you only have to pass for a church for what? Like, ten minutes? You can do that, can't you? Um Just got to give this aquarium a church-over.
Plus a believable Bible and a brief but compelling religious service.
Judy, you got this, right? We're gonna skedaddle.
- Wha ? - No, no, no, no.
Gene and Louise and I will help.
We'll help every step of the way.
And when there's only one set of footprints, it means we stopped helping.
Bob, watch this; watch what I do.
Charm school's in session.
I call this the "Tiny Tap with a Hon".
- How's the burger, hon? - Great.
All right, hon.
Three-dollar tip minimum, I guarantee it.
Okay.
So you touch customers.
Yeah.
And I say "hon.
" But it's different if I do it than if you do it.
What? That's sexist.
Try it.
Try it on me.
Okay.
Ew.
What was that? What? I just touched your shoulder.
It's like you put a wet lizard on me.
Do it again; do it better.
- Say and say "hon.
" - Okay.
- Hon.
- Ugh.
- What? - You know what? Don't touch anybody.
Okay.
Did I say the "hon" right? Or - No.
- All right, fine.
I'm gonna go wipe something down.
Ew.
With your wet hands.
Kids, wh-what are you doing over there? - Making a religion.
- What? - Doing homework.
- Oh.
- TINA: Fake religion homework.
- Wha-- Wait, what? Nothing.
I got to say, this place looks pretty much like an aquarium with a couple of religious signs slapped up.
(laughs) But it's not, right? What? No.
I mean, it was, but it-it's not; it's a church.
I mean, we're trying to get it registered as a church.
- Flanley? Is that your name? - Yes.
- Is that Mexican? - No.
Huh.
Would you like to meet our youth group? Uh, oh, okay.
- This is the Aquaticism Youth Group.
- The Groupers.
They should talk.
Now.
Yeah, we're the Groupers.
Our youth group is very active in the church.
You know, it's a wonderful church.
So wonderful.
And such a church.
Go ahead, Agent Flanley, you can ask me anything in front of the youth group.
Oh, um I need to see some Aquaticism literature.
Oh, we just finished the literature.
- I mean, reading it.
- It's so good.
Eh, it's a little preachy.
- Uh Yep.
Ye-- Yep.
- See it? So you saw that.
Well, I got a glimpse of it.
Did you see the drawings? Ooh-la-la.
And that formatting.
- Well, that's about it.
- Oh, great.
For the easy questions.
- Onto the tough stuff.
- Oh, great.
Okay, yesterday, in charm school, you were horrible.
- I-I wasn't that bad.
- You were, but fortunately for you, I had an idea.
We go with "fun teasing guy.
" No touching, just fun teasing.
I-I can do that.
I mean, I think I already do that, but tell me what you think I should do.
First of all, when you're talking to the customers, you give 'em the business.
A smidge of the business, like this.
Watch this, watch me.
- Hey, Teddy, slow down.
- (grunts) Your stomach called.
It said your mouth needs to chew your food.
(laughs, chokes) (laughing): My stomach called.
Ah.
That's a good one, Lin.
Eh.
Wow, it worked on Teddy.
Bob.
Charm school.
- Do it.
Go do it.
- Uh, okay.
- Hey, h-how's everybody doing? - Pretty good.
- We're celebrating Marty's birthday.
- Mm-hmm.
- He wanted a burger.
- Mm-hmm.
(chuckling): Well, by the looks of Marty, it, uh it may be his-his last one.
(chuckling): Right? What, do you think that's funny? What? No.
I'm gonna die soon? No.
I'm-I'm just giving you the business, sir.
Just a smidge.
Send over the girl that touches you.
- Get outta here.
- Okay.
Lin! JUDY: So, when you say "does your church have a distinct ecclesiastical government," you mean, do we We do, of course, have all those things.
So much.
Almost too much.
Hey, have we shown you the touch tank yet? Okay, we can come back to that question.
And a bunch of the other ones.
Let me tell you about this touch tank.
You could come in here no matter what kind of day you had, no matter what Tammy told Jocelyn you did in P.
E.
, that you really did but hoped no one saw-- not nose-picking, just a quick pick-- you can put your hands in the tank for a little while, and it's like you're a starfish in a tide pool.
And nothing bothers a starfish in a tide pool except me touching it.
You should give it a whirl.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't, I don't think so, no.
You might like it, Agent Flanley.
Yeah, get in there.
(laughs) All right, all right, for a second.
- Oh, that is brisk.
- Pick up a cucumber.
Oh, oh.
Ooh.
Sorry about that.
Sorry.
- I touched your sea cucumber.
- Oh.
Wow! Are they, uh, are they supposed to be this ugly? (laughing): Or, or is it sick? Who's to say? It's true that they're not very attractive, and they move very slowly.
But you know why sea cucumbers are great? Uh, no, I don't, I don't know why.
Because they eat the stuff that no one else in the ocean wants.
And what they poop out is cleaner than what they take in.
So basically, these ugly- slash-beautiful creatures just go along, constantly making things better than when they found it.
I think we could all learn from the sea cucumber.
Let me tell you something.
You would not believe the crap that people try to pass off as religions.
(laughing): Yeah.
I mean, how gullible does everyone think I am? But this religion, what you've got here - is special.
- It is? It is.
It's beautiful and thoughtful.
It's answering questions I didn't even know I had.
Totally, bro.
All right, well, here you go.
These are all the tax documents you need as an official place of worship.
- You're all set.
- Really? You remember where you parked? Uh, do you need help to your car? Judy, do you validate? Only spiritually.
- (laughing) - Okay.
Well, this is good-bye, - I guess.
- Good-bye.
Yes You know, I - (gasping) - I can't shake the feeling that I somehow belong here.
- Okay, then.
E-mail us anytime.
- Oh, look at this.
Your church has some neat activities lined up.
Singles mixer tomorrow.
That sounds fun.
Oh.
Is that tomorrow? Actually, I think that schedule's wrong, Judy.
All the singles (sputters) died and then, um You know, if it's okay with you, I-I'd love to dip my toes into Aquaticism, so to speak, and maybe come back tomorrow, off the clock.
Not as Agent Flanley, just as Roger.
It's not my name; it's just what I would come back as.
I'm kidding.
Not about coming back.
I'm coming back.
But about my name.
My name is Roger.
So many jokes all of a sudden.
Yeah, well, I guess I'm nervous.
- (nervously): I'm not! - Can I interject? We will see you tomorrow, Roger.
If that's your name.
I had trouble following your very funny joke.
Great! Okay, well, I can't wait to meet more of the congregation at the singles mixer.
Bye! I'll see you tomorrow night! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Crap.
We don't have a congregation.
Right.
Crap.
(singsongy): But we're all single! Guys, lying about having a fake church is probably immoral.
And lying to the IRS is definitely illegal.
Singles mixers are not illegal, but if they're good, they are immoral, am I right? Dad, come on.
We're saving a small-time aquarium.
And saving souls.
Maybe.
You don't know.
It sounds like a really, really bad idea.
- I'm in! - Wait, what? Bless you, Mother.
Eh, it sounds fun.
Singles mixer for a good cause.
Let's go.
Why not? Uh, because it's fraud? - Right? Anybody? - What? Don't you want to say you saved an aquarium? You owe it to the fish.
With all those poops you've flushed - into the ocean.
- That's not how flushing works, but, fine, I'll go.
Mort, Teddy, what do you say? Are you kidding? I was born single.
I was gonna pick up my mom at the airport tomorrow night, but she can take a cab.
She's not that blind.
I mean, she can still see shapes.
And, remember, you're all devout Aquaticists.
Did I hear something about a singles mixer? Because I'm seeing someone right now, but I'm always stacking backups! Pretty convincing mixer, huh? It's awkward and sad.
That feels right.
We might be good here.
C-Can I ask you something? Where did you find this amazing jewelry? It's like fish but jewelry.
- I love it.
- You love the jewelry? - Yeah.
- Nobody loves the jewelry.
You know, I make it myself.
You made all these? Did you go to jewelry school or something? No.
Did you go to IRS school? - You wish.
(laughs) - (chuckles) - You wish.
- You know what, now I'm worried.
This might be going too well.
That guy is having way too much fun.
- Isn't that good? - No.
He's never going to leave.
He's gonna want to come back week after week to services that don't exist.
How long do we have to keep coming to this place? Are we gonna have to raise our children in this church? - Ah! - Guys, we got to make him reconsider a life of Aquaticism.
Hello, all.
Agent Flanley, you are really starting to get into this religion, aren't you? You know, I'm n I'm not gonna lie, I'm I-I am feeling it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Just so you know, Aquaticism isn't for everyone.
Because our baptism ceremony is, well, let's just say, challenging.
Challenging? How so? To join Aquaticism, you have to submerge yourself in the jellyfish tank.
- Oh, God, you do? - Yeah.
D Judy.
Don't don't No, I mean you Oh, boy, do you.
Yeah.
don't jellyfish sting? Oh, you better believe it.
- They sting and sting and sting - Ow.
- and sting and sting and sting! - Ah.
Ah.
Ow, ow, ow.
It's awful! It's like circumcision for your whole body, except your penis.
But it's the only way to show you're truly dedicated.
And also you can't eat ice cream, you can't go to the movies, and you have to sleep in your jeans.
So, yeah, that's Aquaticism for ya.
Have fun at the mixer! (quietly): That should do it.
(sipping) Hello.
I'm Bob.
Hello.
I'm Linda.
I noticed you sauntering over here.
Yeah, I noticed you drinking over here.
Uh, a lot.
Seems like a single fella like you is using his charm on me.
- Is that what I'm seeing? - I might be making a charm-esan sandwich, yeah.
I love sandwiches.
Yeah, well, you smell like you do.
Thank you.
You smell, uh, interesting.
You got a toothbrush at home or you still shopping around? How 'bout I, uh, use yours? I have to say Bob, was it? My charm alarm is ringing off the hook.
Should I let it go to voice mail and we keep talking? So, wait, it's an alarm that has voice mail? I don't get it.
Hello, single people at this mixer who I've never met before, or if we have met, it was casually at services.
- I'm Teddy.
- Hi, Teddy.
I'm Bob.
Looking good.
I mean, it's rather tight.
It's from prom.
Not my prom.
So, who wants a drink? You? You? You? - I'll have one! - All right.
How 'bout you, Bob? You want a drink? You look like you could use one.
Why don't you loosen up? It's a mixer, (stammers) I don't - you know what I mean? - Teddy, calm down.
- What? - It's fine, Bob.
It's fun.
- It's not fun.
- No, it's fun! He's Well, he hit me on the shoulder, so I didn't like that.
I'm gonna go look at some fish.
Oh, my God! I love this song! Hey, who wants to touch the crabs in my touch tank? (laughs) Linda, look at this! It's called a Tuscaloosa Twister! (laughs) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! - So violent and uncomfortable-looking! - Yep! - May I cut in? - You get the hell out of here, Mort! Dancing away! I-Is it always like this at the church, so fun, so positive? It sure is, probably! Well, then I am ready.
You're taking off your shoes.
That's fun.
- 'Kay.
- Oh, you're taking off your shirt.
- Yeah.
- I'm sure there's a reason for that.
There we go.
(grunts) Okay, I have a question.
Why did you take off all your clothes? Because I am ready to face my fears.
I am ready to join Aquaticism! Oh.
I am ready to get into that jellyfish tank! Yeah! Let's all get tanked! No, that's a bad idea.
They'll sting you.
No, I know, I know.
I want them to.
I mean, I don't.
But I want to experience it.
I want to join the church.
Aw, that's beautiful, but, you know what, I-I don't think it's, um (clears throat) stinging season.
I don't know if I'll have the nerve another time.
It's-it's got to be now! Okay, so do I go into shock? Is there a medic on hand? Uh, there's a mortician.
- Hello! - I'm not sure what's happening.
- Okay.
Here we go.
One! Two! - (protesting) Aquaticism! (shouting, gasping) It's fake! It's fake! It's all fake! It's not a real religion! We lied to get out of paying taxes! Hey, they're not stinging me.
Wait, did you just say it's all fake? No.
Come on out.
Your skin's gonna get all pruny.
No, seriously.
Did you just say Aquaticism is a fake religion? Can you please just get out?! We can talk about this outside the jellyfish tank! Don't try to change the subject, Judy! IRS guy! Get out of the tank! So is this whole place fake?! Are the jellyfish fake, too? I guess they are, because I'm not even getting Stu Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh! (screaming continues) (groaning) MAN: Agent Flanley, there are some children here for you.
Did you order three children? Hmm.
No, I didn't.
But send them down.
(whistles) Must be nice.
So, you guys are here because ? We heard you're not gonna prosecute Judy for tax fraud.
Which is very generous.
I mean, the aquarium is still closing 'cause business stinks, but better than going to jail.
Yay.
So we came to give you this "We're sorry" card.
We didn't mean for you to get hurt.
We just wanted you to believe the church was real.
And then you joined it.
And then we didn't know what to do.
Man, we must have done quite a job to make a smart guy like you believe in our fishy shtick.
Well, in retrospect, there were red flags.
Really, everything was a red flag.
- Even our red flags? - Yeah.
I guess I was just blinded by Judy.
I mean, she's just really great.
Wait, you had a crush on Judy? I did.
I thought I was into Aquaticism, but I guess I was into Judy.
You should call her! Go to her.
Nah.
She doesn't want to see me.
Plus, I'm very busy.
Excuse me while I apply my medicated lotion.
Roger, could you not do that? It's just the smell.
I'm sorry.
Right, right.
I guess I'll just itch and be in pain.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
We about done here, kids? No, wait, Roger, don't give up on Judy.
We may have made a mess of a fake religion, but you two sea cucumbers took it in.
And maybe pooped out love.
Or at least a date.
Possibly? No.
As we say in the IRS, that case is closed.
Thanks for coming! Yes! A ten-dollar tip! Look at this.
Linda, look at this ten-dollar bill.
Well, how about that, huh? You're like a runaway charm train.
Ooh, excuse me.
Hello.
And welcome.
- Right this way.
- Wow.
Look at Bob, huh? - Getting the big tips.
- Kinda.
(quietly): That last table left him two bucks, and I swapped it out for a ten.
The poor schmuck needed a win.
Especially now that we're dating, right? (chuckles) Just kidding, just kidding.
Right? So, Judy, you think you might want to give Roger a chance? Oh, I'm sure he was just being nice.
He doesn't want to go out with a tax cheat like me.
We're just gonna take a little trip to the beach.
That's all.
- Hi, Judy.
- Roger? I thought I smelled that lotion.
Y-You know, I-I didn't get a chance to say some things the last time we saw each other.
Yeah, those paramedics were in such a rush.
I had a thought.
That's why I came over.
You could keep this place in business by renting it out for parties.
Like the Aquaticism party.
But with less tax fraud.
- You think that would work? - Yeah, it's a thought.
Might help your bottom line.
That's accounting talk.
A-Also, kind of unrelated, would you ever want to get a cup of coffee with me, maybe? I mean, we could each get our own coffee, not just one cup, where we're both trying to drink out of it at the same time Okay.
Let's do it! The two-cup thing.
- Or the one.
Either one.
I'm open.
- Great! I mean, we could do the two now and then Is this going well? I can't tell.
This is going really well.
I got to say, Tina, I didn't get what you saw in this place.
But I-I kind-kinda get it now.
Mm-hmm.
You guys want to stay for a little while and kinda jellyfish out? I call that one.
Oh, wait, that one's dead.
I'm gonna look at this one.
Gene, you want - to look at that one? - On it! TEDDY: Tusca, Tuscaloosa Twister Tusca, Tuscaloosa Twister Tusca, Tuscaloosa Twister Tusca, Tusca Hey, hey, hey! Linda, look at this! Whoa! Whoa! Cha-cha-cha Wow! Whoa! Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha Tusca, Tusca Tusca, Tuscaloosa Twister Tusca, Tuscaloosa Twister Tusca, Tuscaloosa Twister Tusca, Tusca.