Bob's Burgers s07e18 Episode Script
The Laser-inth
1 Happy birthday.
- It's your special birthday breakfast.
- Oatmeal? - That's a muffin.
- Oh.
Didn't bake all the way through.
Still good, though.
It's made with love.
- And no flour, by accident.
- Mm.
Mom's not a baker, Dad.
She's a modern-day woman.
Yeah, don't expect things to be baked all the time, you sexist pig! Well, happy birthday to me.
So, you want to do anything special for your big day? Well, we don't have to do anything special.
I'm happy just having my muffin soup and reading the newspaper.
Can't we have one place in this house that's safe from reading?! - Oh, my God.
- What? What is it? The planetarium is having its last ever rock and roll laser show.
And it's happening tonight.
Guys, it's Dad's birthday, so let's pretend we all know what he's talking about.
A laser light show, Tina, is when they take a classic rock and roll album and bring it to life with lasers.
And they're doing the best one: General Inzanity by Zentipede.
I went to that a couple times as a kid.
I was a little bit into it.
- Yeah! - (rock music playing loudly) This is amazing! I can't believe this is the last one.
- Why are they ending it? - I don't know.
I mean, the music's kind of old.
And the lasers are kind of old.
The people who like it are mostly kind of - Old? - I was gonna say cool.
Hey, maybe we could go to this, for my birthday.
Yeah.
Great idea.
Right, kids? - Sure.
Sure.
- Sure.
Yes? Sounds like you guys aren't interested.
- No.
- What? I am.
Going out, watching lasers.
It's what I always imagined Future Gene would be into.
Hey, you two can go together.
Yes, this one has Dad and Gene written all over it.
That would be fun.
Gene? Let's do it.
And while the boys are away, maybe us girls can have dinner with Gretchen.
She's been bugging me to hang out.
Sure.
I like Gretchen.
She's your friend who swears.
She's a cool sassy "B" who don't take "S" from anyone.
Oh, my God.
This muffin is That's really bad.
I wasn't awake yet! I hadn't had coffee! Zentipede laser light show.
I can't believe it.
Gene, it's gonna be so much fun.
You keep saying "Zentipede" like it's a real thing.
Zentipede is the band.
I brought their General Inzanity album on CD.
I-I could play it for you.
- Sure.
- Or wait, wait, wait.
Maybe you shouldn't know too much going in.
I-I think it'll be better that way.
- Like the Iraq war.
- Sort of.
Gretchen works at the mall now? I thought she did hair.
She does.
She's working at some salon called Special Girl.
Uh, I don't think this is a salon.
(gasps) So many dollies! This is intense.
Are there enough girly girls in the world to support a place like this? (Tina groans) Tina, what's wrong, sweetie? I think they're creepy.
I mean (whispers): I think they're creepy.
I think they're sweet.
Ooh! Look at that one.
What pretty eyes.
Like Donna Mills.
(groans) I don't really like her eyes.
(growling): Do you like my eyes? - (screams) Louise! - She doesn't like my eyes! - Stop it.
- I know that's you.
Hey, look, there's Gretchen.
What do you know, she is doing hair.
- Hey, Gretch.
- Hey, Linda.
Excuse me a second.
I'm supposed to talk to them like they're real or my manager gets in my face.
You want a magazine or something? Okay, whatever.
This place is a scream.
I love it.
Gretchen, do you miss working with, like, real live people? Ah, screw live people.
Most of 'em tip worse than the dolls.
(laughs) You get it.
Anyway, I thought we could use my employee discount in the Special Girl restaurant.
(gasps) There's a restaurant here, too? The next time I complain that our restaurant is sad, remind me about this.
Let me just finish giving this little lady a blowout.
She's going to an incredibly important sleepover this weekend.
Right? Mm-hmm.
Huge.
All right.
Settle down.
BOB: There she is, Gene.
The planetarium.
So this place was your only friend, huh? Basically.
Hmm.
Looks like they're renovating it.
What's that smell? It's like a skunk is smoking.
That's, uh, probably what it is.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Big man.
Sold out show.
You got tix? Not anymore.
I use a spray and a medicated collar and I stay out of tall grass.
Uh, Gene, he's selling tickets.
He's a scalper.
Uh, w-we're good, thanks.
I've also got, uh, tube socks.
And, uh, slap bracelets? Ouch.
Uh, we're, uh No, thanks.
Come on, Gene, let's go.
Or you can wear 'em as a choker.
Ouch.
You're really hurting yourself.
Uh, we're gonna pass.
Thanks.
Any bags? Just this old bag.
(chuckles) Gene.
No ins and outs.
No exceptions.
Understand? Got it.
Come on, buddy.
We're doing this.
- (whoops) - I've got the need for Zentipede! (gasps) It's adorable! Oh, my God.
Yep, and they serve alcohol.
I know you were wondering, Linda.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
(chuckles) Yeah.
Welcome.
Did you bring dolls this evening, or will you be needing one of our dinner dolls? - What are dinner dolls? - You need a doll to eat here.
Like some restaurants say "Jacket required" or "Ma'am, that bathing suit needs a bottom.
" Oh, so we get to eat with our very own dolly.
(groans) Seriously? Is this a joke? Not at all.
But you know who likes funny jokes? Jillian! Her daddy's a circus clown in 1903, - and she wants to be just like him.
- Get it out of my face.
- Yeah, no clowns.
- Okay.
How about you? - (screams) - Okay.
Yeah, all the dolls come with a story like that.
Come on, just pick one.
I'm starving.
Can I get some bread sticks? Is that going back to the kitchen? Aren't these seats great? Wine me, dine me and recline me.
(electronic music begins playing) Gene, here we go.
GENE: Fog machines? This is promising! See you on the other side, buddy.
(whoops) Zentipede! (rock music playing loudly) Ow! That's loud! What'd you say? Uh, uh Oh boy.
Oh, God.
(groaning) Here it comes, man.
Here it comes.
Here what comes, lollipop hippie?! (wild screaming, rock music continues loudly) (screaming) Gene, are you okay? I want to go! I want to go right now! A-Are you sure? Because the (screaming) Oh, you seem sure.
Don't make me go back in there! (hyperventilating) Gene, it's okay.
It's okay.
Take a breath.
- Not that fast.
- (groans loudly) Look, look, look, Gene, Gene.
Do you want to go back in or do you want to go home? Home! I mean, maybe.
Uh, it's your birthday, so Don't-don't worry about that.
I-I won't enjoy the show if you're not enjoying it.
Okay, let's go home.
Or we could go back in and I could help you get through it, - 'cause it's just the beginning and - (screams) All right, all right.
Right, right.
W-We'll go.
- We'll go.
We'll go home.
- Good plan.
I know it's your birthday, but you didn't tell me that was going to be the loudest, scariest thing ever.
I'm sorry, Gene.
Now that I think of it, I was, like, 16 when I went.
11 is probably pretty young.
This is like when you let me watch Beaches all over again.
Right.
And Terms of Endearment, and then Kramer vs.
Kramer.
What the hell?! - I was on a kick.
- Ah! L-Let's just go home.
I mean, the music was pretty great, right? How could you tell? It was so loud.
Well, if you want, I could play you a song or two at normal volume, and we could listen while we drive.
Okay.
(rock music playing over stereo) ROBOT: Attention, humans of America.
I am General Inzanity, and I have seized control.
Control.
Control! Who's General Inzanity? Oh, he's an evil robot army general who takes control of the government in the year 2007, which used to be a long time in the future.
An evil robot army general, you say? Yeah.
The songs tell a story.
It's a rock opera.
Well, they called it a "rock-sperience," - which is dumber.
- Beg to differ.
So, General Inzanity starts cracking down on rockers who are just trying to have a good time.
But there's one rocker who fights back.
He's a rebel.
Na is "The Rebel.
" As a teenager, I kind of related to him.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
Anyway, The Rebel writes a song that inspires people to rise up against General Inzanity.
It's called "Let My People Rock.
Part One.
" L-Let me skip to that one.
We don't need no bots We don't need no bots Let my people rock Let my people rock - We are not machines - (Bob mouthing along) We like to wear tight jeans Catchy.
So, then what happens? BOB: Well, hold on.
Let's do this right.
Nice.
All right, imagine this is really cool lasers.
- Okay.
- So, General Inzanity arrests the hero and sentences him to hard labor in a rock quarry.
- Could happen.
- BOB: And all day, the hero pushes these boulders up a mountain to build General Inzanity a new evil lair.
GENE: Mm.
BOB: And then these rebel fighters show up, and they try to help the hero escape, but instead, they get trapped on top of the mountain, surrounded by the robot army.
And that's when The Rebel gets the idea to roll the boulders down on the robots.
You mean he rolls rocks To save rock and roll.
Oh, my God.
(chuckles) The plot is not subtle.
I like it.
Oh, I haven't even told you about the best part: the climax of the whole thing.
It's, actually, it's-it's hard to describe.
I mean, I don't want to oversell it, but it changes you forever.
I want to see it.
Did we miss it? Did we miss the climax? Really? You want to go back? Yes? Kind of? I mean, maybe it's worth going deaf and peeing in my pants a little.
Also, it's your birthday.
Wait, Gene, don't go back for me.
I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing this for me.
And you.
Now come on.
Hello, ladies.
My name's Andrew.
I'll be your server.
Let's get you started with those cinnamon buns you ordered.
Cinnamon buns? We didn't order these.
You didn't order them, huh? Uh-oh.
It must've been one of the dolls.
- Oh.
- My guess is Becky, because her favorite food is cinnamon buns.
Says so on her info card.
Well, that's Becky for you.
(laughs) You bring the cinnamon buns and say a doll ordered 'em.
I love it.
(mouth full): This better not show up on the check.
- I know the tricks.
- They're complimentary.
Well, they should be free.
- Um, waiter? - Yes.
If my doll orders anything, could you warn me? - Sure thing.
- And is she looking at me? - Now? No.
- Oh, good, good, good.
- But now she is.
- (screams) Okay, I'll give you ladies and your dolls a moment to look at the menu.
FYI, the dinner dolls must stay in the restaurant area.
They're not store dolls, they're dinner dolls.
They've accepted it.
So should you.
So, let's see.
Let's read about Becky.
Let's get to know her.
It says here Becky is the daughter of a rich merchant in the 1890s.
Whenever that was.
Okay, I'll play.
My doll's name is Suzie.
She was the first girl to wear glasses in public.
Which is pretty cool.
My doll keeps pulling her dress over her head.
Stop it! How about yours, Tina? Yeah, tell us about Little Winky.
- What's her deal? - Ugh.
Her name is Francine.
She's a ballerina.
(chuckles): Ballerina? Whoa.
How do they come up with this stuff? "Francine joined an American ballet troupe "that toured the world at the beginning of the Cold War.
"While in Europe, she was recruited to spy on the Russians.
" Ooh! What a weird, serious little doll.
She's a spy? Okay, her I like.
Really? Then maybe she could sit with you and Suzie.
(chuckles) (whispers): Help me.
- Uh, okay.
Sure.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
Gretchen, your doll's on the floor, hon.
Oh, look at you.
You're all dirty! What are you doing down there? No ins and outs! - Can we buy new tickets? - Sold out! We could be seat fillers when the celebrities in the audience go to the bathroom.
- No.
- Aah! You're impossible! Gene, look.
It's the scalper.
Uh, pardon me.
Hey.
Wait.
What are you mad about? Tickets, socks or marijuana? No.
No.
What? I-I wanted to see if you have any more tickets for sale.
Is obstructed view okay? Sure.
Then you can try watching from here.
(wheezing laugh) Sorry.
Huh.
That's a scalper joke.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, man.
I'm out of tickets.
Crap! All right, well, we gave it a shot, Gene.
I-I guess it wasn't meant to happen.
I mean, uh, there is a way to sneak in, but it's not for beginners who don't buy slap bracelets.
Please! It's his birthday! - He's not gonna have that many more.
- Gene.
(sighs) All right.
It's risky, but if you give me $20, we'll get you into the laser show.
Okay, but how? We-we want to get in before the big finish, and that's any minute.
All will be revealed when you give me $25.
Wait.
You just said $20.
Throw in your slappiest slap bracelet, and you've got a deal! Okay, here's 25 bucks.
So, uh, what do we do? Well, first, allow me.
Bam! - Ow.
- Slappy birthday, Dad.
On this paper, you'll find a phone number.
It's the direct line to the concession stand inside.
Call it, and when the guy picks up, give him the pass phrase.
What's the pass phrase? The pass phrase is (whispering, rattled coughing) Oh, God.
Word to the wise: two guys work at the concession stand.
One is cool, the other is not.
Okay.
Um, what are their names? - They're both named Nick.
- Oh.
Nice.
If the uncool Nick answers, hang up right away.
How are we supposed to know which Nick we're talking to? You'll know the cool Nick, 'cause, you know, he sounds cool.
Okay.
- Another word to the wise.
- Mm.
The uncool Nick knows we do this, so sometimes he tries to sound cool, and he's very good.
It's almost impossible to tell the difference.
Oh, my God.
I guess we'll feel it out.
Thank you.
If you get caught, you do not know me.
I'm out! Look at him go! His ponytail's like a propeller! He's gonna take off! Miss, we have your chicken fingers, and for your dolls, our best plastic spaghetti.
That's why I love this gal.
She's watching the Russians, but she's not watching her carbs.
Well, Francine's getting discontinued, so now's the time to live it up.
Wait, what? What did he mean, uh, "discontinued"? Mm, sometimes they stop making a certain doll, so they get rid of the whole stock.
Usually, they donate 'em to poor kids.
- Huh, that's nice.
- But that's just the new dolls.
For these dinner dolls, it's different.
They get dinged up, so discontinued dinner dolls get put in a sort of - It's a sort of like a - W-What? I guess you'd call it like a a chipper-shredder for dolls.
(gasps) What?! Yeah, it turns 'em into this shredded stuff.
They use it in the mat material over in the play area.
Sometimes an eye doesn't get shredded, and it looks like a kid is down there staring at you! (laughing) (Gretchen clears throat) It's pretty messed up when you think about it.
Just sipping my wine.
- (line ringing) - GENE: You got this, Dad.
Remember, hang up if the uncool Nick answers.
MAN: Hello? Uh, h-hello.
Is this the concession stand? - Yeah.
- Uh, can you, um tell me about, uh, some of the concessions you have? - We have sweet snacks.
- Mm.
- Salty snacks.
- Nice.
Some snacks that kind of straddle the line.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (quietly): Cool Nick or Uncool Nick? - (whispers): I can't tell.
- Let me.
Congratulations.
You've been selected for a survey.
Do you ever say things like, "Boy, I sure am cool - compared to my coworker Nick"? - I'm Nick.
No, I know, but which one?! - Gene, give me the phone.
- Ah! Hi.
Uh, it's me again.
Uh, what would you do if I told you, "The moons of Uranus are on fire"? Oh, did the scalper guy say there's a cool Nick and a not-cool Nick, and you have to know the pass phrase or something? - Yeah, yeah.
- Sorry, I forgot.
Sometimes I pretend to be two different guys named Nick just to mess with him.
It's really boring here.
- Anyway, you want to get in? - Yes, please.
All right, meet me around back in three minutes.
- Bring 20 bucks.
- I already paid the scalper.
Well, I'm not the scalper, am I? I'm two guys named Nick.
Fine.
Around back.
Three minutes.
If you're not there, I'm not waiting.
All right, first of all, there's only one Nick.
- What?! - I know.
I can't explain right now.
We have to meet him around back in three minutes.
Around back in three minutes? Oh.
Yeah.
That's far.
Dad, I think we're gonna have to run.
- No, Gene.
- I just don't see any other way.
But I can't.
- I think we're gonna have to.
- (sighs) Okay.
So, walk first and build up speed, or just start running? - J-Just start, I think! Just start! - Oh, God.
Watch! This is what I think it is! (Gene murmuring gibberish) LOUISE: I mean, I know she's just a frickin' doll, but she's the only cool one they have.
And they want to toss her into a doll shredder? Sorry, Louise.
Yeah, I shouldn't have said anything.
Well, maybe we can buy Francine and give her a new home with us.
No! I mean, okay, I'm fine with it.
Oh, I don't think they'll sell Uh, excuse me, waiter? Everyone good? How are the cinnamon buns sitting with those chicken fingers? Not great.
Listen, how much would it cost to buy one of the dolls? Say, this doll right here? - Oh, one of the dinner dolls? - Yeah.
- Those aren't for sale.
- Why not? Well, the Special Girl Corporation wouldn't sell a dirty old dinner doll.
- What?! - Ouch.
Oh, excuse me.
There's a doll over there who's trying to get my attention.
Ugh! New plan, everybody.
We grab Francine and make a break for it.
They can't take us down, not all of us.
Nuh-uh.
No.
I can't lose this job.
I still have payments on that Jet Ski I crashed seven years ago.
But maybe I can still help you out.
- That doll she's a spy, right? - Yeah.
Then she must be pretty good with disguises, huh? Huh.
(panting) Oh, God.
Everything hurts.
Just imagine yourself inside the planetarium, having an amazing climax.
Gene, that's Never mind.
That must be the door.
Did we make it? Maybe we're early.
Are we in shape now? - Should we wear tank tops? - Maybe.
- What is that? - It's Pluto, the disgraced ex-planet.
- Oh.
I guess they're throwing it away.
- In my class, we pulled all the Plutoâs off our solar system models, and then stomped them into the ground.
It's him! - Come on, let's go! - No, Dad! Wait! Oh, my God, we've got to get to that door.
Planetariums are so stressful.
Why didn't you warn us, Neil deGrasse Tyson?! Hello? Anybody there? Nick's not gonna wait.
But if we go, the security guard will see us.
We won't get in.
Closing the door.
Closing it slowly.
No.
Let my people rock.
Part one.
- (grunting) - What are you doing? Dad, help.
What the hell? It's heading for the employee parking lot.
This is why everyone hates you, Pluto! - Go, go, go, go, go! - Hold the door! - We're here! - Oh.
Hey.
Gene, that was amazing! You rolled a rock to save rock and roll.
And now, to celebrate, you can give me $20.
Oh, right.
Here.
We got to hurry, Gene.
Let's get to our seats.
Thanks, Nick.
Cool Nick.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
It sounds like they're at the part right before the climax.
- Uh-huh.
- You okay? Uh-huh.
I think so? Gene, you can do this, and it'll be worth it, I hope.
- Zentipede? - Zentipede! - Wait.
- (rock music playing) Uh, can I borrow a napkin? Thanks.
I can make you ear plugs with this.
(groaning) Gross.
And thank you.
(rock music continues) What we got to do is make this doll look like a doll that isn't getting discontinued, so we got to sneak her to my salon station.
But the waiter said dinner dolls weren't allowed outside the restaurant.
Yeah, and he's been hovering.
Don't worry.
I'll deal with him.
Oh, waiter? Well, what can I do for you at this late stage in your meal when most people are done asking things from the waiter? Can you pretty please box this up for us? That's the doll's food.
That stays in the restaurant.
But could you pretend to box it up and bring it out and say, "Here's your boxes"? Uh, yes, ma'am, I can do that.
All right.
Go! Go! Get a Sabrina doll from the shelves up front.
Okay.
Then go to accessories and get a Sabrina dress, a Sabrina headband and Sabrina shoes.
- Got it.
- Meet me at my station ASAP.
And don't act suspicious.
Pretend you're a little girl.
Pshh.
I'll try.
(rock music playing loudly) BOB: Yeah! This is amazing! Zentipede! LOUISE: Hard to believe that's her.
You're good, lady.
Thanks.
Let me do your mop sometime.
Hey, easy.
Easy.
Wait.
What if they discontinue Sabrina? The one we stuck with the dinner dolls will get shredded.
Oh, they're never gonna discontinue Sabrina.
Sabrina pays the bills in this place.
So what do you think? Should we put Little Miss Winky back on the shelf? Or we could buy her.
Bring this little spy in from the cold? With Gretchen's discount, it shouldn't be too bad.
Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Uh, I don't think so.
Look at Tina.
I mean, she has enough problems.
Let's just leave Francine here and know that we helped a girl out of a tough spot.
Hey, you know what? I'll be fine.
I'm, like, so comfortable with this doll.
- My phobia is gone.
- Really? Yeah.
See how normal I'm acting? All right! - Thanks, T.
- No sweat.
- (rock music playing) - So, the laser show, it holds up, right? I mean, you've never seen it before, but could you sense it holding up? - I loved it.
- What? Sorry.
Talk louder.
My hearing's kind of shot.
(shouting): I said I loved it, Dad! (loudly): I love you, too, Gene.
Roll a rock to rock and roll-a Roll a rock to rock your soul A rock to rock and roll-a Robots don't get rock and roll-a Roll a rock to rock and soul
- It's your special birthday breakfast.
- Oatmeal? - That's a muffin.
- Oh.
Didn't bake all the way through.
Still good, though.
It's made with love.
- And no flour, by accident.
- Mm.
Mom's not a baker, Dad.
She's a modern-day woman.
Yeah, don't expect things to be baked all the time, you sexist pig! Well, happy birthday to me.
So, you want to do anything special for your big day? Well, we don't have to do anything special.
I'm happy just having my muffin soup and reading the newspaper.
Can't we have one place in this house that's safe from reading?! - Oh, my God.
- What? What is it? The planetarium is having its last ever rock and roll laser show.
And it's happening tonight.
Guys, it's Dad's birthday, so let's pretend we all know what he's talking about.
A laser light show, Tina, is when they take a classic rock and roll album and bring it to life with lasers.
And they're doing the best one: General Inzanity by Zentipede.
I went to that a couple times as a kid.
I was a little bit into it.
- Yeah! - (rock music playing loudly) This is amazing! I can't believe this is the last one.
- Why are they ending it? - I don't know.
I mean, the music's kind of old.
And the lasers are kind of old.
The people who like it are mostly kind of - Old? - I was gonna say cool.
Hey, maybe we could go to this, for my birthday.
Yeah.
Great idea.
Right, kids? - Sure.
Sure.
- Sure.
Yes? Sounds like you guys aren't interested.
- No.
- What? I am.
Going out, watching lasers.
It's what I always imagined Future Gene would be into.
Hey, you two can go together.
Yes, this one has Dad and Gene written all over it.
That would be fun.
Gene? Let's do it.
And while the boys are away, maybe us girls can have dinner with Gretchen.
She's been bugging me to hang out.
Sure.
I like Gretchen.
She's your friend who swears.
She's a cool sassy "B" who don't take "S" from anyone.
Oh, my God.
This muffin is That's really bad.
I wasn't awake yet! I hadn't had coffee! Zentipede laser light show.
I can't believe it.
Gene, it's gonna be so much fun.
You keep saying "Zentipede" like it's a real thing.
Zentipede is the band.
I brought their General Inzanity album on CD.
I-I could play it for you.
- Sure.
- Or wait, wait, wait.
Maybe you shouldn't know too much going in.
I-I think it'll be better that way.
- Like the Iraq war.
- Sort of.
Gretchen works at the mall now? I thought she did hair.
She does.
She's working at some salon called Special Girl.
Uh, I don't think this is a salon.
(gasps) So many dollies! This is intense.
Are there enough girly girls in the world to support a place like this? (Tina groans) Tina, what's wrong, sweetie? I think they're creepy.
I mean (whispers): I think they're creepy.
I think they're sweet.
Ooh! Look at that one.
What pretty eyes.
Like Donna Mills.
(groans) I don't really like her eyes.
(growling): Do you like my eyes? - (screams) Louise! - She doesn't like my eyes! - Stop it.
- I know that's you.
Hey, look, there's Gretchen.
What do you know, she is doing hair.
- Hey, Gretch.
- Hey, Linda.
Excuse me a second.
I'm supposed to talk to them like they're real or my manager gets in my face.
You want a magazine or something? Okay, whatever.
This place is a scream.
I love it.
Gretchen, do you miss working with, like, real live people? Ah, screw live people.
Most of 'em tip worse than the dolls.
(laughs) You get it.
Anyway, I thought we could use my employee discount in the Special Girl restaurant.
(gasps) There's a restaurant here, too? The next time I complain that our restaurant is sad, remind me about this.
Let me just finish giving this little lady a blowout.
She's going to an incredibly important sleepover this weekend.
Right? Mm-hmm.
Huge.
All right.
Settle down.
BOB: There she is, Gene.
The planetarium.
So this place was your only friend, huh? Basically.
Hmm.
Looks like they're renovating it.
What's that smell? It's like a skunk is smoking.
That's, uh, probably what it is.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Big man.
Sold out show.
You got tix? Not anymore.
I use a spray and a medicated collar and I stay out of tall grass.
Uh, Gene, he's selling tickets.
He's a scalper.
Uh, w-we're good, thanks.
I've also got, uh, tube socks.
And, uh, slap bracelets? Ouch.
Uh, we're, uh No, thanks.
Come on, Gene, let's go.
Or you can wear 'em as a choker.
Ouch.
You're really hurting yourself.
Uh, we're gonna pass.
Thanks.
Any bags? Just this old bag.
(chuckles) Gene.
No ins and outs.
No exceptions.
Understand? Got it.
Come on, buddy.
We're doing this.
- (whoops) - I've got the need for Zentipede! (gasps) It's adorable! Oh, my God.
Yep, and they serve alcohol.
I know you were wondering, Linda.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
(chuckles) Yeah.
Welcome.
Did you bring dolls this evening, or will you be needing one of our dinner dolls? - What are dinner dolls? - You need a doll to eat here.
Like some restaurants say "Jacket required" or "Ma'am, that bathing suit needs a bottom.
" Oh, so we get to eat with our very own dolly.
(groans) Seriously? Is this a joke? Not at all.
But you know who likes funny jokes? Jillian! Her daddy's a circus clown in 1903, - and she wants to be just like him.
- Get it out of my face.
- Yeah, no clowns.
- Okay.
How about you? - (screams) - Okay.
Yeah, all the dolls come with a story like that.
Come on, just pick one.
I'm starving.
Can I get some bread sticks? Is that going back to the kitchen? Aren't these seats great? Wine me, dine me and recline me.
(electronic music begins playing) Gene, here we go.
GENE: Fog machines? This is promising! See you on the other side, buddy.
(whoops) Zentipede! (rock music playing loudly) Ow! That's loud! What'd you say? Uh, uh Oh boy.
Oh, God.
(groaning) Here it comes, man.
Here it comes.
Here what comes, lollipop hippie?! (wild screaming, rock music continues loudly) (screaming) Gene, are you okay? I want to go! I want to go right now! A-Are you sure? Because the (screaming) Oh, you seem sure.
Don't make me go back in there! (hyperventilating) Gene, it's okay.
It's okay.
Take a breath.
- Not that fast.
- (groans loudly) Look, look, look, Gene, Gene.
Do you want to go back in or do you want to go home? Home! I mean, maybe.
Uh, it's your birthday, so Don't-don't worry about that.
I-I won't enjoy the show if you're not enjoying it.
Okay, let's go home.
Or we could go back in and I could help you get through it, - 'cause it's just the beginning and - (screams) All right, all right.
Right, right.
W-We'll go.
- We'll go.
We'll go home.
- Good plan.
I know it's your birthday, but you didn't tell me that was going to be the loudest, scariest thing ever.
I'm sorry, Gene.
Now that I think of it, I was, like, 16 when I went.
11 is probably pretty young.
This is like when you let me watch Beaches all over again.
Right.
And Terms of Endearment, and then Kramer vs.
Kramer.
What the hell?! - I was on a kick.
- Ah! L-Let's just go home.
I mean, the music was pretty great, right? How could you tell? It was so loud.
Well, if you want, I could play you a song or two at normal volume, and we could listen while we drive.
Okay.
(rock music playing over stereo) ROBOT: Attention, humans of America.
I am General Inzanity, and I have seized control.
Control.
Control! Who's General Inzanity? Oh, he's an evil robot army general who takes control of the government in the year 2007, which used to be a long time in the future.
An evil robot army general, you say? Yeah.
The songs tell a story.
It's a rock opera.
Well, they called it a "rock-sperience," - which is dumber.
- Beg to differ.
So, General Inzanity starts cracking down on rockers who are just trying to have a good time.
But there's one rocker who fights back.
He's a rebel.
Na is "The Rebel.
" As a teenager, I kind of related to him.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
Anyway, The Rebel writes a song that inspires people to rise up against General Inzanity.
It's called "Let My People Rock.
Part One.
" L-Let me skip to that one.
We don't need no bots We don't need no bots Let my people rock Let my people rock - We are not machines - (Bob mouthing along) We like to wear tight jeans Catchy.
So, then what happens? BOB: Well, hold on.
Let's do this right.
Nice.
All right, imagine this is really cool lasers.
- Okay.
- So, General Inzanity arrests the hero and sentences him to hard labor in a rock quarry.
- Could happen.
- BOB: And all day, the hero pushes these boulders up a mountain to build General Inzanity a new evil lair.
GENE: Mm.
BOB: And then these rebel fighters show up, and they try to help the hero escape, but instead, they get trapped on top of the mountain, surrounded by the robot army.
And that's when The Rebel gets the idea to roll the boulders down on the robots.
You mean he rolls rocks To save rock and roll.
Oh, my God.
(chuckles) The plot is not subtle.
I like it.
Oh, I haven't even told you about the best part: the climax of the whole thing.
It's, actually, it's-it's hard to describe.
I mean, I don't want to oversell it, but it changes you forever.
I want to see it.
Did we miss it? Did we miss the climax? Really? You want to go back? Yes? Kind of? I mean, maybe it's worth going deaf and peeing in my pants a little.
Also, it's your birthday.
Wait, Gene, don't go back for me.
I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing this for me.
And you.
Now come on.
Hello, ladies.
My name's Andrew.
I'll be your server.
Let's get you started with those cinnamon buns you ordered.
Cinnamon buns? We didn't order these.
You didn't order them, huh? Uh-oh.
It must've been one of the dolls.
- Oh.
- My guess is Becky, because her favorite food is cinnamon buns.
Says so on her info card.
Well, that's Becky for you.
(laughs) You bring the cinnamon buns and say a doll ordered 'em.
I love it.
(mouth full): This better not show up on the check.
- I know the tricks.
- They're complimentary.
Well, they should be free.
- Um, waiter? - Yes.
If my doll orders anything, could you warn me? - Sure thing.
- And is she looking at me? - Now? No.
- Oh, good, good, good.
- But now she is.
- (screams) Okay, I'll give you ladies and your dolls a moment to look at the menu.
FYI, the dinner dolls must stay in the restaurant area.
They're not store dolls, they're dinner dolls.
They've accepted it.
So should you.
So, let's see.
Let's read about Becky.
Let's get to know her.
It says here Becky is the daughter of a rich merchant in the 1890s.
Whenever that was.
Okay, I'll play.
My doll's name is Suzie.
She was the first girl to wear glasses in public.
Which is pretty cool.
My doll keeps pulling her dress over her head.
Stop it! How about yours, Tina? Yeah, tell us about Little Winky.
- What's her deal? - Ugh.
Her name is Francine.
She's a ballerina.
(chuckles): Ballerina? Whoa.
How do they come up with this stuff? "Francine joined an American ballet troupe "that toured the world at the beginning of the Cold War.
"While in Europe, she was recruited to spy on the Russians.
" Ooh! What a weird, serious little doll.
She's a spy? Okay, her I like.
Really? Then maybe she could sit with you and Suzie.
(chuckles) (whispers): Help me.
- Uh, okay.
Sure.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
Gretchen, your doll's on the floor, hon.
Oh, look at you.
You're all dirty! What are you doing down there? No ins and outs! - Can we buy new tickets? - Sold out! We could be seat fillers when the celebrities in the audience go to the bathroom.
- No.
- Aah! You're impossible! Gene, look.
It's the scalper.
Uh, pardon me.
Hey.
Wait.
What are you mad about? Tickets, socks or marijuana? No.
No.
What? I-I wanted to see if you have any more tickets for sale.
Is obstructed view okay? Sure.
Then you can try watching from here.
(wheezing laugh) Sorry.
Huh.
That's a scalper joke.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, man.
I'm out of tickets.
Crap! All right, well, we gave it a shot, Gene.
I-I guess it wasn't meant to happen.
I mean, uh, there is a way to sneak in, but it's not for beginners who don't buy slap bracelets.
Please! It's his birthday! - He's not gonna have that many more.
- Gene.
(sighs) All right.
It's risky, but if you give me $20, we'll get you into the laser show.
Okay, but how? We-we want to get in before the big finish, and that's any minute.
All will be revealed when you give me $25.
Wait.
You just said $20.
Throw in your slappiest slap bracelet, and you've got a deal! Okay, here's 25 bucks.
So, uh, what do we do? Well, first, allow me.
Bam! - Ow.
- Slappy birthday, Dad.
On this paper, you'll find a phone number.
It's the direct line to the concession stand inside.
Call it, and when the guy picks up, give him the pass phrase.
What's the pass phrase? The pass phrase is (whispering, rattled coughing) Oh, God.
Word to the wise: two guys work at the concession stand.
One is cool, the other is not.
Okay.
Um, what are their names? - They're both named Nick.
- Oh.
Nice.
If the uncool Nick answers, hang up right away.
How are we supposed to know which Nick we're talking to? You'll know the cool Nick, 'cause, you know, he sounds cool.
Okay.
- Another word to the wise.
- Mm.
The uncool Nick knows we do this, so sometimes he tries to sound cool, and he's very good.
It's almost impossible to tell the difference.
Oh, my God.
I guess we'll feel it out.
Thank you.
If you get caught, you do not know me.
I'm out! Look at him go! His ponytail's like a propeller! He's gonna take off! Miss, we have your chicken fingers, and for your dolls, our best plastic spaghetti.
That's why I love this gal.
She's watching the Russians, but she's not watching her carbs.
Well, Francine's getting discontinued, so now's the time to live it up.
Wait, what? What did he mean, uh, "discontinued"? Mm, sometimes they stop making a certain doll, so they get rid of the whole stock.
Usually, they donate 'em to poor kids.
- Huh, that's nice.
- But that's just the new dolls.
For these dinner dolls, it's different.
They get dinged up, so discontinued dinner dolls get put in a sort of - It's a sort of like a - W-What? I guess you'd call it like a a chipper-shredder for dolls.
(gasps) What?! Yeah, it turns 'em into this shredded stuff.
They use it in the mat material over in the play area.
Sometimes an eye doesn't get shredded, and it looks like a kid is down there staring at you! (laughing) (Gretchen clears throat) It's pretty messed up when you think about it.
Just sipping my wine.
- (line ringing) - GENE: You got this, Dad.
Remember, hang up if the uncool Nick answers.
MAN: Hello? Uh, h-hello.
Is this the concession stand? - Yeah.
- Uh, can you, um tell me about, uh, some of the concessions you have? - We have sweet snacks.
- Mm.
- Salty snacks.
- Nice.
Some snacks that kind of straddle the line.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (quietly): Cool Nick or Uncool Nick? - (whispers): I can't tell.
- Let me.
Congratulations.
You've been selected for a survey.
Do you ever say things like, "Boy, I sure am cool - compared to my coworker Nick"? - I'm Nick.
No, I know, but which one?! - Gene, give me the phone.
- Ah! Hi.
Uh, it's me again.
Uh, what would you do if I told you, "The moons of Uranus are on fire"? Oh, did the scalper guy say there's a cool Nick and a not-cool Nick, and you have to know the pass phrase or something? - Yeah, yeah.
- Sorry, I forgot.
Sometimes I pretend to be two different guys named Nick just to mess with him.
It's really boring here.
- Anyway, you want to get in? - Yes, please.
All right, meet me around back in three minutes.
- Bring 20 bucks.
- I already paid the scalper.
Well, I'm not the scalper, am I? I'm two guys named Nick.
Fine.
Around back.
Three minutes.
If you're not there, I'm not waiting.
All right, first of all, there's only one Nick.
- What?! - I know.
I can't explain right now.
We have to meet him around back in three minutes.
Around back in three minutes? Oh.
Yeah.
That's far.
Dad, I think we're gonna have to run.
- No, Gene.
- I just don't see any other way.
But I can't.
- I think we're gonna have to.
- (sighs) Okay.
So, walk first and build up speed, or just start running? - J-Just start, I think! Just start! - Oh, God.
Watch! This is what I think it is! (Gene murmuring gibberish) LOUISE: I mean, I know she's just a frickin' doll, but she's the only cool one they have.
And they want to toss her into a doll shredder? Sorry, Louise.
Yeah, I shouldn't have said anything.
Well, maybe we can buy Francine and give her a new home with us.
No! I mean, okay, I'm fine with it.
Oh, I don't think they'll sell Uh, excuse me, waiter? Everyone good? How are the cinnamon buns sitting with those chicken fingers? Not great.
Listen, how much would it cost to buy one of the dolls? Say, this doll right here? - Oh, one of the dinner dolls? - Yeah.
- Those aren't for sale.
- Why not? Well, the Special Girl Corporation wouldn't sell a dirty old dinner doll.
- What?! - Ouch.
Oh, excuse me.
There's a doll over there who's trying to get my attention.
Ugh! New plan, everybody.
We grab Francine and make a break for it.
They can't take us down, not all of us.
Nuh-uh.
No.
I can't lose this job.
I still have payments on that Jet Ski I crashed seven years ago.
But maybe I can still help you out.
- That doll she's a spy, right? - Yeah.
Then she must be pretty good with disguises, huh? Huh.
(panting) Oh, God.
Everything hurts.
Just imagine yourself inside the planetarium, having an amazing climax.
Gene, that's Never mind.
That must be the door.
Did we make it? Maybe we're early.
Are we in shape now? - Should we wear tank tops? - Maybe.
- What is that? - It's Pluto, the disgraced ex-planet.
- Oh.
I guess they're throwing it away.
- In my class, we pulled all the Plutoâs off our solar system models, and then stomped them into the ground.
It's him! - Come on, let's go! - No, Dad! Wait! Oh, my God, we've got to get to that door.
Planetariums are so stressful.
Why didn't you warn us, Neil deGrasse Tyson?! Hello? Anybody there? Nick's not gonna wait.
But if we go, the security guard will see us.
We won't get in.
Closing the door.
Closing it slowly.
No.
Let my people rock.
Part one.
- (grunting) - What are you doing? Dad, help.
What the hell? It's heading for the employee parking lot.
This is why everyone hates you, Pluto! - Go, go, go, go, go! - Hold the door! - We're here! - Oh.
Hey.
Gene, that was amazing! You rolled a rock to save rock and roll.
And now, to celebrate, you can give me $20.
Oh, right.
Here.
We got to hurry, Gene.
Let's get to our seats.
Thanks, Nick.
Cool Nick.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
It sounds like they're at the part right before the climax.
- Uh-huh.
- You okay? Uh-huh.
I think so? Gene, you can do this, and it'll be worth it, I hope.
- Zentipede? - Zentipede! - Wait.
- (rock music playing) Uh, can I borrow a napkin? Thanks.
I can make you ear plugs with this.
(groaning) Gross.
And thank you.
(rock music continues) What we got to do is make this doll look like a doll that isn't getting discontinued, so we got to sneak her to my salon station.
But the waiter said dinner dolls weren't allowed outside the restaurant.
Yeah, and he's been hovering.
Don't worry.
I'll deal with him.
Oh, waiter? Well, what can I do for you at this late stage in your meal when most people are done asking things from the waiter? Can you pretty please box this up for us? That's the doll's food.
That stays in the restaurant.
But could you pretend to box it up and bring it out and say, "Here's your boxes"? Uh, yes, ma'am, I can do that.
All right.
Go! Go! Get a Sabrina doll from the shelves up front.
Okay.
Then go to accessories and get a Sabrina dress, a Sabrina headband and Sabrina shoes.
- Got it.
- Meet me at my station ASAP.
And don't act suspicious.
Pretend you're a little girl.
Pshh.
I'll try.
(rock music playing loudly) BOB: Yeah! This is amazing! Zentipede! LOUISE: Hard to believe that's her.
You're good, lady.
Thanks.
Let me do your mop sometime.
Hey, easy.
Easy.
Wait.
What if they discontinue Sabrina? The one we stuck with the dinner dolls will get shredded.
Oh, they're never gonna discontinue Sabrina.
Sabrina pays the bills in this place.
So what do you think? Should we put Little Miss Winky back on the shelf? Or we could buy her.
Bring this little spy in from the cold? With Gretchen's discount, it shouldn't be too bad.
Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Uh, I don't think so.
Look at Tina.
I mean, she has enough problems.
Let's just leave Francine here and know that we helped a girl out of a tough spot.
Hey, you know what? I'll be fine.
I'm, like, so comfortable with this doll.
- My phobia is gone.
- Really? Yeah.
See how normal I'm acting? All right! - Thanks, T.
- No sweat.
- (rock music playing) - So, the laser show, it holds up, right? I mean, you've never seen it before, but could you sense it holding up? - I loved it.
- What? Sorry.
Talk louder.
My hearing's kind of shot.
(shouting): I said I loved it, Dad! (loudly): I love you, too, Gene.
Roll a rock to rock and roll-a Roll a rock to rock your soul A rock to rock and roll-a Robots don't get rock and roll-a Roll a rock to rock and soul