Bob's Burgers s08e05 Episode Script


1 Okay, I think I have it - all nailed down now.
- If I start the carrots at 11:30 tomorrow, they should be done right when the turkey needs its last basting, and everything will be ready for our noon meal.
Did I tell you guys I'm using a new brine? - You may have mentioned it.
- The brine blogs are going nuts.
I wasn't listening.
- Tell me again.
- Gene, no.
Well, you can add orange peel LINDA/TINA/LOUISE: Orange peel for flavor.
- You told us, Bob.
- We know.
Don't overthink it.
You get yourself all wound up, and it's a real turnoff.
Well, it helps to say it out loud so I get it right.
And, you know, most people would be turned on by a new brine.
(panting): Bob! Bob.
- Uh, what? - I need your help.
I was supposed to go to my sister's for Thanksgiving, like I do every year, but now my mom's flying in, so it's easier for my sister to pick her up and then come to my place to have dinner! Oh, how fun.
How many people are you having? I don't know.
My sister, her husband, my mom, my mom's new, slightly age-inappropriate boyfriend.
It's not fun, Linda.
I got to cook and what, uh, set out plates? Right? Is that what you do? I don't know how to do any of that stuff! - You got to come over to help me! - Okay.
Teddy, I don't know.
We closed early, and I still barely have enough time to do everything I have to do for our Thanksgiving.
I have a new brine I'm trying, and I-I was thinking about spatchcocking.
Spatchcocking? With those hips? Honey, no.
It's when you take the backbone out of the turkey and you press it flat.
It cooks more evenly.
I thought women had to deal with unfair body expectations.
Bob, come on, I'm desperate here.
I'm asking you, help me out.
(sighs) All right, well, I-I guess I could write out some basic instructions for you.
- Write-write-write it up.
- Bob, no.
Come on, where's your Turkey Day spirit? It won't take much time.
We'll come over and help you, Teddy, all right? (sighs) Fine.
(imitates sad trombone): Wah-wah.
- Louise.
- You're coming, too, Miss Missy.
Many hands make work easier.
Or something.
(laughs) Bwah-bwah to you, Louise.
Yeah, that's not how it goes.
You sound ridiculous.
BOB: Well, we got you a good bird, Teddy.
Almost as good as the one I left at home that I wish I was with right now.
I miss him.
But that's okay.
So, first I'll show you how to do the rub.
I could use a rub.
I'm holding a little spelling test tension right back here.
We're talking about the bird, Gene.
We're gonna rub it.
- Fine, I'll go second.
- Okay.
So, where are you gonna set up your table? Here in the middle of the room? Show us exactly where you want your guests - to be underwhelmed.
- Louise.
Oh, I was just thinking that we'd put everything - on the coffee table.
- Perfect.
- Then we sit on the couch, right? - Very sad.
And then we pull the chairs over.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Right? Nice and cozy, though, right? - Eh.
Tell you what, you and Bob start on the food, and the kids and I will set up out here, okay? All right, sounds great.
I think there are some candles in the closet here, but stay out of that room.
Nothing much in there just a couple of personal things.
All right, we'll figure it out.
- Go, go learn how to cook.
- "Bam.
" Right? That's what Emeril does.
"Bam"? - Teddy, go! - Right? - Go.
- Okay, right.
Yes, going.
Lot of stuff.
LOUISE: Like unopened, blank VHS tapes.
TINA: And old thermometers.
If those tips could talk.
Kids, don't touch those.
Put that stuff back.
Let's keep looking for the candles.
Don't touch anything gross.
Okay, Teddy, Thanksgiving is the most important meal of the year, which makes the turkey, like, the king of foods.
(sings fanfare) Here he comes, right? - Yep, the king.
- Okay.
Got it.
All right.
And the trick is, with the rubs, - is to go under the skin.
All right? - Yep.
- So you start at the bottom, - Yeah.
And then you massage in the rub - and gently make your way to the neck.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Think of the meat as the canvas - Oh.
- And the rub as the paint.
- Lot of metaphors, Bobby.
You know what? I'm already doing it, - so I'll-I'll just finish.
- Right.
You finish.
- Yeah.
- Because I'm It's actually making me sick.
Is that normal? I'll tell you what, you can start peeling the carrots if you want.
- One less thing to do tomorrow.
- Right, right.
- On it.
Give me space.
- All right.
Okay, just grab the peeler right there - and peel the carrots.
- This? That's the spatula.
I knew that.
(laughs) This? (chuckles) Th-That's a ladle.
The I-It's that thing right next to the carrots.
- This? - That's the spatula again.
- It's - No, right.
It's right there.
It's the only thing that looks like it could peel a carrot.
Why didn't you just say that? - Oh, my God.
- (chuckles) - I'm not an idiot.
- You're holding the blade.
- No, I got it.
- You're holding the blade.
- Hold the handle.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - Easy.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - Uh-oh.
Uh, you know what? - Ow.
How do you Ow.
Once I'm done with the rub, we'll put this in the fridge, - and I'll help you with that.
- Is this peeled enough? (chuckles): It's not peeled at all.
Still no candles.
But lots of chopsticks.
Maybe we can arrange them like candles? If we soak 'em in gas, they'll burn real pretty.
(sighs) Never mind, it's filled with pennies.
So am I.
You don't hear me bragging about it.
Let's check in here.
But Teddy said not to go in there.
He's probably hiding something creepy, like a dead body or an indoor hot tub.
Ah, let's just take a little peek.
(gasps) - KIDS: Whoa.
- Oh, my God! Teddy's a hoarder.
Oh, so, just snap off the tops, huh? Th-That's it.
Nice and easy.
- Off with their heads.
(laughs) - (chuckles) Eh.
Bob, open up.
That's the that's the part you don't eat.
- You do it.
- Ah Mmm, those are good.
Give me the other one.
BOB: So, tomorrow, you just take this guy out - and put him in the oven for - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't say another word.
I'm gonna write it all down.
Let me get some paper.
- (screams) - Teddy? - Aah.
- What the ? - Uh, surprise.
- Oh.
We found your dining room.
- Aah.
- We're cleaning it out so you can have Thanksgiving dinner in there.
What? No, that's a storage room.
Oh, whoa.
But we found a dining table under all of the stuff.
Oh, and it's a beaut.
Look at those legs.
- I'd let that hold my turkey.
- Right? Yep.
And Gene, Louise and I are trying to see who can find the best thing.
How do you decide what the best thing is? You know it when you see it.
I'm the front-runner with that Gerald Ford bobble-head that doesn't bobble.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - A box of doorknobs.
- A box of doorknobs who? Teddy has a box of doorknobs for some reason.
- New front-runner.
- (chuckles nervously) Oh, good knock-knock.
Okay, now let's-let's get all that stuff back.
Come on, guys.
That'll be fun, right? Put all the Put the put that stuff back and just close the doors! Ow! Oh, I think that ship has sailed, Teddy.
Yeah, it would take us just as long to put everything back as it would to fix up the dining room.
Where you'll have the best Thanksgiving ever You're welcome.
(vocalizing) - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
I can't believe all of this was in one room.
You guys weren't supposed to see it.
I can't wait to grow up and get my own place with a room full of newspapers and engine parts and what is this, some sort of hookah? - It's an aquarium pump.
- Do you have an aquarium? No.
I was gonna get the pump working and then go from there.
Want to talk about the two-legged chairs? - No, I do not.
- Uh, Linda, can I have a word with you in the kitchen? (quietly): Are we sure we want to get into this? Teddy is a hoarder.
I-I mean, I thought he had so little, but he has too much.
Exactly, Bob.
And that hoarder needs our help.
Shouldn't we call a doctor or a TV show? Bob, he's our friend.
We need to be here for him, okay? Lin, we came here to help him cook his Thanksgiving dinner, and we did that.
We don't have time to de-hoard his dining room.
But the dining room is part of Thanksgiving.
And when he sits at that table and he says what he's thankful for, he'll say, "Linda.
And the rest of those darn Belchers.
" - (sighs) Uh, fine.
- Oh, your breath.
- (groaning nervously) - Okay, Teddy, all we have to do is get - rid of some of this stuff, right? - What?! I-I mean, we're gonna change the location of some of it from inside your house to not inside your house.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
And you can have a nice Thanksgiving with your family at the dining room table.
The living room is nice enough.
Plus, there's a big stain on the table.
Yeah, how'd that get there? I sanded it down to refinish it, but then I started working on this cuckoo clock to fix that.
And then the cuckoo scared me, and I spat grape juice everywhere.
If we find that son of a bitch cuckoo, I call it for best thing.
Ah, well, that's what tablecloths are for.
Tablecloth? What's a tablecloth? How about a sheet? I can't do that.
I just have the one on my bed.
And that one's probably got enough food stains on it.
Well, kids, call time-out on your little game.
Find something we can use as a runner to cover up the stain on the table, okay? Teddy, I might regret asking this, but why do you have all this stuff? It's not "stuff," Bob.
It's things.
-Things I'm fixing up.
I'm a handyman, you know.
And I'm a cook, but I don't keep 600 pounds of food in my dining room.
N-Never mind.
You're You'll be fine.
I-I'm gonna write down instructions for your dinner.
Okay, Teddy, I heard of a technique for de-cluttering where you hold something up and you ask, "Does this love me?" Go on.
Does this stool love me? Yes.
But is it in love with you? Teddy and a stool, sitting in a tree T-R-E-E-E-E-E.
Kids, shh-shh.
What about this? An old telephone without a receiver.
That loves me.
It really does.
Like, almost too much.
It's embarrassing.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna put these into piles that I think will help you decide whether or not they love you, okay? What are we gonna do with all the stuff that doesn't love him? Burn it? In the alley? Maybe.
Teddy, can you get a Dumpster over here? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
A Dumpster? I was thinking, like, maybe just a couple of armloads of stuff.
Maybe a small shopping bag.
See if we get that filled up.
Teddy, look at all this.
It's a lot.
I know, but getting a Dumpster on such short notice? The permits, the red tape What am I supposed to do, just call the Dumpster Fairy? You know construction people, right? I guess I could call Dennis.
Is Dennis the Dumpster Fairy? Or our fairy god-Dumpster? All right, I'm gonna go call him from the bedroom so you can't hear me swearing about all this.
- Could we use this as the runner? - Eh.
- It's not very Thanksgivingy.
- GENE: The back is a festive beige.
Yeah, I guess that could work.
All right, go get plates and silverware from the kitchen and set up the table.
Okay, Dennis is bringing a Dumpster by in a little while.
Oh, good! He says he's gonna borrow it from a job site, but it already has some stuff in it.
And if anyone comes and asks anything about it, we're supposed to say, "Vinny said it was okay.
" Great.
And if they say, "Vinny's out of the joint?" we say, "Yeah, Vinny's out, and he's got big plans.
" - Okay.
- Not a whole lot of plates - and only one fork.
- Hmm.
There's plastic utensils and paper plates from takeout in the drawer next to the sink.
I knew I was saving those for something.
You kids do that, and I'll keep going with Teddy.
Okay, Teddy.
Does this love you? - Yes.
- Wrong.
GENE: You're mistaking lust for love.
Oh, the Dumpster's here.
It's here.
I can't look.
I mean, I'm gonna go back in the kitchen - and see what Bob's doing.
- Okay, I'll handle it.
- Do I tip or ? What, what - Tip your fake hat and say, "Thank you, milady.
" Okay, Teddy.
I-I did all the work All of it and wrote down exactly when you're supposed to put these in the oven.
It's foolproof.
TEDDY: "Put in oven at 2:00 for 45 minutes at 350 degrees.
" Right? Is that a five or an "S"? It's a five.
You just said it.
350 degrees.
Why-why would it be an "S"? I don't know.
I'm nervous, Bob! I'm freaking out here! (sighs) Why are you so nervous? It's just your family.
I know, but I've never hosted before.
And everything was all put away and now it's everywhere.
And it's different.
I'm just nervous.
- I'm gonna go get my camera.
- Your camera? Why? Okay, I'm back, ha-ha.
Uh, pick up a dish and act like you're putting it in the oven.
- Teddy, this is crazy.
- I'm a visual learner.
- It doesn't make any sense! - Come on, Bobby, help me out! Just pretend like you're putting those carrots in the oven.
- Fine! How does my hair look? - It-it's a little messy.
Can you push it over to the ? - Push it the other way.
- Just take the picture! - Come on, just push it the other way.
- No.
That's how you want to represent yourself cooking? You're right, let me fix it.
LINDA: Bob, Teddy, come out here please! Okay, this is the pile that loves Teddy.
This is the pile that likes him, but is ready to move on.
And this pile hates him.
- Hates him.
- Okay, what's the fourth pile? - LINDA: Oh, that stuff loves me.
- Loves her.
- I'm keeping that.
- Huh.
So everyone grab as much as you can from these two piles, and let's take 'em to the Dumpster! I call the light-bulbs.
I promise I'll be super, super gentle when I throw them in the Dumpster - as hard as I can.
- (Teddy groans) And I call this Magic 8-Ball with all the water drained out.
- New best thing! Beat that! - Impossible.
My outlook for beating that is not so good.
Isn't this great? So nice and clean? And your dining room looks so beautiful.
It is (stammers) I sure don't need all those things that we put in the Dumpster.
- This is better.
- That's right.
- This is so much better.
- There he is.
This is a very, very great Nice job, everybody.
- Attaboy, attaboy.
- Right.
- Nice job.
Well, glad we could help, so we should probably go, right? - Okay.
- Good luck tomorrow, Teddy.
Who needs luck when I got these Polaroids? Ah.
GENE: That was a good 'un, Pa.
TINA: I'm a tryp-to-fan of what you did with this turkey.
- Get it? - It was so good and I ate so much, - I can't even finish this - Pie? Well, I was going to say "sentence.
" - Eh, it was fine, I guess.
- What? The-the turkey was a little dry.
That's why God invented gravy.
Or as I call it, turkey lube.
You're crazy, Bob.
It was good.
And the timing of the yams was off.
They were a little cold by the time everything else was done.
Who cares? It's all the same temperature in here 98 degrees "Fartenheit.
" (sighs) I really wish I had spatchcocked the turkey.
We-we spent so much time at Teddy's, I-I didn't have time to get into it.
Teddy's so lucky to have friends like us.
I wonder how he's doing over there.
If he's following my very clear instructions, - then he should be doing just fine.
- (phone rings) Probably better than I did.
Bob! I'm looking at your notes, but the pictures don't match and the green beans are burning, or they're already burnt, and I didn't know if I was supposed to start the turkey yet.
- It's Teddy.
He's not doing well.
- (Teddy shouting) Wait a minute, I messed up our Thanksgiving.
Teddy's sounds like a disaster.
- You know what this means? - Please don't say LOUISE/BOB: We have to go to Teddy's to help him with his Thanksgiving, - so I can redeem myself.
- So you can redeem yourself.
- Oh, God.
- (Teddy shouting) Thanks for coming! Happy Thanksgiving! What took you so long?! BOB: Teddy, uh, wh-what happened to you? What? When? What? Yes.
You look like you just got beat up by an Edward Scissorhand.
I was rushing around, trying to get everything ready for today, and I caught my shirt on the dresser handle, and I turned around to look what happened and I went smack, right into the door! Oh.
What happened to your cheek? I was trying to shave with an old razor.
I tried to tough it out, but I But it just got more and more painful, so I stopped.
Is it noticeable? Yeah, but you're making it work.
I smell something funky.
(sniffs) Ew.
What is that? Eh, it's probably me.
I get panic stink.
- I-I don't think that's a real thing.
- It is.
Oh, it's real.
What? It just smells kind of like my locker.
- Oh, no.
- And now you know.
Well, uh, maybe-maybe take a shower.
I already had two.
It just spreads the smell around.
Well, once I get the food going, all anyone will smell is delicious turkey.
Time to take back Thanksgiving! Get ready for Turkey 2: Judgment Day! All right, let me get you a new shirt and, uh, maybe wipe the blood off your face.
Oh, wait.
What about some place cards for the table? That would spruce this sucker up a little.
Good one, T.
Teddy, I'll go grab you a shirt.
Can you write in cursive? Yeah, but this seems like a bubble letter situation.
- A BLS.
- So what are the names of your family? My sister and her husband are Dana and Dan.
Just put "Mom" for my mom She'll know what that means.
And her boyfriend, oh, uh, have I never used his name? Me and my sister just call him Boy-toy, but we can't write that.
Can we write that?! - Yeah.
- No, no, no, no.
Let's just take a shot and go with Terry.
Okay, here you go.
Just slip this on.
- Thanks, Linda.
- Oh, the smell.
Here, I brought some aftershave for that.
Now let me just flick your pits.
- Ha! Flick it.
- Right.
Yeah, put it in there.
All right.
- And a little on the cheeks.
- (Teddy screams) - It burns! It burns! - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, it stopped.
So where should we put these bad boys? Definitely put my sister next to her husband, and my mom next to "Terry.
" But who should I sit between? Well, how do you usually do it? Well, when I was a kid, I'd just sit between my parents, - so they wouldn't argue so much.
- Did it work? Sometimes.
But, boy, could they yell.
They would yell and yell, and then my neighbors would yell, "Shut up!" And my mom would yell back, "Mind your own business, Finelli's, because you had problems last week!" BOB: Linda, can I get a hand in here? Teddy, hold that sad thought for one sec.
I'll be right back.
Would you, uh, give the potatoes a stir? - I'm - I'm covered in poultry.
- Okay.
Oh, God, what are you doing? I-I'm taking out the backbone.
It's how you get the turkey flat for spatchcocking.
- What? - I-I thought you'd want to see me do it.
(gags) Why is everyone so disgusted by turkey preparation? - It's beautiful.
- No.
Okay, but just watch this, Lin.
I have to crack the chest.
(grunting): You have to be pretty strong to do this.
Good thing I spatchcock! - Oh, my face! - Did I get ya? - Did ya get - Yes! Oh, right in my mouth.
Oh, wash it off quick.
That's Ugh, give me some wine.
Give me some wine.
- Oh.
- Give me the wine.
Oh, oh.
(spits) Ugh.
Good wine.
Good news, Teddy.
The dinner will be ready right before your family arrives and it's gonna be perfect! Teddy? Kids, have you seen Teddy? - Not lately.
- We invited Teddy to join us on the floor, but he hasn't RSVP'd.
We're taking a little table-setting break.
You know, we just ate an entire Thanksgiving meal and now you're making us do stuff, right? - Teddy! - Teddy, where are you? Is he in the bathroom? Knock, knock.
Why does he need five plungers? GENE: For different moods.
Oh, my God.
Teddy's family is on their way, and he's missing.
This is awful! Oh, that's good.
We looked in every room, twice.
Where could Teddy have gone? Did you try tapping his food bowl? This is bad.
His family's coming and the perfect turkey's in the oven.
He can't have gone far; let's check outside.
Teddy! Teddy! - Teddy! - Here, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.
- (thud) - Teddy? Is that you? - TEDDY: No.
- Okay, sorry to bother you.
Where is he? (Teddy grunting) Hey, Teddy, what are you doing? Fixing the chair, obviously.
Don't know how it got in here; it's perfectly good.
Uh, okay, but is this a good time to do that? It's a great time.
I'm just fixing a couple of things.
Maybe I'm gonna move 'em upstairs if I want to.
Or it might be easier to just move a couple things from upstairs down here, live in the Dumpster.
- Cheaper rent.
- Great light.
Kids, no.
Teddy's not living in the Dumpster.
Yeah, Teddy.
This stuff is going to the dump.
A-And you need to come upstairs.
This can't go to the dump, Bob.
It's not trash.
All this stuff can be fixed.
You don't just give up on stuff; you can fix it.
It might be okay to give up on the half a waffle maker.
I'm saving that until I find the other half.
I'm a fixer, I fix things.
I've always been a fixer.
I'm gonna fix that waffle maker soon.
(gasps) Oh, my God, I'm having a brain-smart.
Teddy, you sat between your parents when they would argue.
You were the peacemaker.
- You were trying to fix things.
- Oh, yeah.
Your mom and dad are the two halves of the waffle maker.
That makes you a waffle.
It's probably why you like butter so much.
Oh, Teddy, I'm sorry.
We did this all too fast.
We pushed you too hard.
(sniffling) Yeah.
You were just trying to help.
In kind of a judgey way.
Well, if keeping stuff to fix helps get you through the day, then what's the big deal? It isn't hurting anybody, right? Yeah, we all have our things.
Dad gets weird about Thanksgiving.
I-I don't get weird.
- I care too much, Tina be shopping.
- What? - Mom has her wine.
- Oh, there it is.
Thank you, Gene.
But this isn't my thing.
I mean, Thanksgiving happens once a year.
It's not weird to try and make it perfect.
- You guys are weird.
- (phone rings) Hello.
Oh, hey.
What do you mean it sounds like I'm in a Dumpster? It's just kinda echo-y in here because of my couch.
It did? Yeah, that happens.
Okay, then I-I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow.
That was my sister.
My mom missed her flight, and now my sister is staying near the airport so she can pick her up in the morning.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
This is great.
I'm off the hook.
Them coming tomorrow is better.
- Tomorrow's better? - Tomorrow's way better.
No pressure for a perfect meal or perfect setting.
We'll just hang out.
Uh, I-I guess it's-it's great.
Just, um, that was a lot of work, completely for nothing.
I'll get over it.
But, Teddy, now you're alone on Thanksgiving.
I'm fine.
I'm just gonna bring some of my stuff back upstairs.
Wait, the turkey's gonna be ready in an hour, and you have a whole Thanksgiving dinner up there, and, you know, we're here, so Oh.
Hey, then why don't you join me? - We already ate.
- Oh, we, uh - Yeah, that's a good idea, Teddy.
- Mm.
Thank you.
I mean, we might as well stay, right? Aw, and we'll help you carry the stuff you want back up.
- Whoa.
- I'm with her.
Yeah, my arms are pretty tired from writing the place cards.
Kids, we're helping him.
Grab something.
Hey, look, the other half of the waffle maker.
- You found it.
- (gasps) New best thing.
- I win! - What? No.
Drained 8-Ball.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
BOB: We gotta get out of this Dumpster.
Well, that was the last of it.
The stuff you wanna keep is back where it was.
And then some.
Okay, my redemption dinner is served.
Wait, did you bring broken chunks of concrete up here? Yeah, that's good rebar.
You just break off the concrete and voilà.
- Free rebar.
- Free-bar.
Well, let's eat while everything's hot.
It does smell good.
Guess I could have a bite.
I could take a nibble.
If this is how I go, this is how I go.
Thank you guys for all your help with my stuff.
And putting up with my stuff.
And making stuffing.
- It means a lot.
- Of course.
Okay, everyone, let's focus on the food.
I mean, we're all here for Teddy, of course, but dig in.
(inhales) Mmm, Bobby.
This is really good.
(mouth full): Mmm.
This is amazing, Bob.
(voice breaking): Mmm.
It really is.
- Are you crying? - No.
I'm-I'm I'm just so happy.
GENE: This is so good I'm gonna wish for a second stomach.
Where's the wishbone? TINA: I think the spatchcocking broke it.
TEDDY: I can fix it! LINDA: An aquarium pump don't belong in the dump Give it to Teddy - TEDDY: I can fix it! - LINDA: Who really cares About two-legged chairs? No one but Teddy - TEDDY: I can fix it! - LINDA: A phone with no receiver Should be chopped up with a cleaver, 'less you're Teddy - TEDDY: I can fix it! - But is a Gerald Ford bobble-head That doesn't really bobble worth your trouble? TEDDY: I can fix it! My parents were the two halves of the waffle maker BELCHERS: That makes you the waffle TEDDY: My parents were the two halves of the waffle maker BELCHERS: That makes you the waffle TEDDY: My parents were the two halves of the waffle maker BELCHERS: That makes you the waffle TEDDY: My parents were the two halves of the waffle maker BELCHERS: That makes you the waffle.