Bob's Burgers s08e11 Episode Script

Sleeping with the Frenemy

1 Credit So, last day of school before spring break.
You kids excited? I am.
I mean, because you'll be working in the restaurant even more.
Whoo-hoo.
Is that the sound you make when you're happy? It's horrible.
This spring break, I want to finally earn my Thundergirls Something Thunderful badge.
It's for "exemplifying the Thundergirl spirit with an act of outstanding generosity or kindness.
" Whatever, hippie.
(sighs) But I can't seem to find the right Thunderful project.
(straining): I'm not going this way! Come on, this is happening.
Police! I guess you might call this badge my Moby Dick.
I'll call anything Moby Dick.
- Moby Dick.
- Gene.
Hey, Gene, how's that loose molar? You feeling like maybe today's the day, are you? It feels pretty ready.
But it's got a mind of its own.
Ugh, I can't stand the waiting.
- Let me wiggle it.
- (shouts) I saw her do this to a woman at the grocery store once.
It's Gene's last baby tooth.
When I get it, I'll have the full set.
Remind me again why you collect Gene's teeth? You remember, when Gene was little, he was scared of the Tooth Fairy.
You know, sneaking into his room at night when he's sleeping, and taking stuff.
If that's what I wanted, I'd get an ex-girlfriend.
So Gene started giving me the teeth, and I pay him in kisses.
(coughs): Rip-off.
And soon I'll have 'em all.
Ugh, I can't stand the waiting.
- Gimme.
- Ow! Lin, let Gene eat breakfast.
This is breakfast.
- Nom, nom, nom, nom.
- Ow, Gene, ow.
So, where's everybody going for spring break? We're going to a place where you can stand in four states at once.
I'm gonna stand in California, Hawaii, Canada, and Chicago.
I'm going on a road trip with my grandma.
She's gonna let me work the gas pedal 'cause she's too weak to push it.
My dad is taking us to Cooperstown.
- We go every year.
- The Baseball Hall of Fame.
The what? I'm going on a cruise with my parents to Turks and Caicos.
Oh, my God.
Turks and Caicos? Little bit of Turks, lot of Caicos.
And I'll be going to here-ish.
I'm trying to earn my Something Thunderful Oh, you know who's gonna be on my cruise ship? BFOTs.
Boys from other towns.
Tammy, you're gonna smooch a BFO on the pointy part of the boat just like in Titanic.
I might also go to the beach and watch seagulls fight over bread.
You're not going anywhere? You're so lucky you don't mind having a super boring life.
I guess I am.
Oh.
I thought I liked bread, but those seagulls love bread.
Oh, my God.
I think it's time.
It's happening.
My last baby tooth.
Aah, that's not a breadcrumb! So that's the Tooth Fairy.
What'll I tell Mom? Tell her it's gone to a better place a seagull's butt.
- (horn blows) - TINA: There goes Tammy's cruise ship.
At least I won't have to hear her annoying voice for a week.
TAMMY: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop, stop, stop! You forgot me! Hey, Tammy, why aren't you on the boat? I was on it, Tina.
I got on with my parents, they went to the cabin, but I got off to buy lip gloss because the boat didn't have my brands.
That's lip gloss? I thought you'd always just finished eating rotisserie chicken.
Daddy, it's me.
Tammy, where are you? The outfit I laid out for you - is still on the bed.
- I'm not on the boat.
- I'm on the land! - What? I need you to march up to the captain, make your voice deeper, and tell him to turn that boat around.
I'm not sure cruise ships can turn around.
They have to go around the world or something.
(cries) What am I supposed to do? Um, swim for it? It's that dot out there, right? You can make it.
- Who are you with? - No one.
Nobody.
- The Belchers.
- Okay, I'll go talk to someone.
You go wait at their house.
(sobs) It's an apartment! Oh, God.
I-I'll call you right back.
Uh, yeah, yeah, Tammy's here now.
- She's so here.
- (huffing) Here's our problem, Bob.
The only way off the ship early is by medevac, and I get airsick.
That's why we're on a cruise to begin with.
(whispers): Can we get another round? (normal voice): Uh, so listen we've called everyone.
All your friends and family are on different fun cruises.
- FEMALE VOICE: Psst, Tina, down here.
- What? Ask her to stay with you.
That would be generous and kind, hmm? Are you freaking kidding me? She's a monster.
That's what would make it Thunderful.
- Then you take her.
- Listen, kid, do you want me or not? You know I want you.
Stupid badge.
Tina, honey, who are you talking to? (sighs) What if Tammy stays with us? - No, thank you.
-Eh.
-No.
-No.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
It's the only solution.
Dad, tell Tammy's dad we've got this.
Tammy, welcome to our home.
- Ew.
- It's not a cruise, but you might catch a stomach thing.
So, Tammy, a big extra special helping for you, - our guest.
- Nope.
Uh, what's the matter with it, Tammy? Um, it rhymes with "schmeverything.
" No offense, but I just don't eat food that's homemade.
(through teeth): Could we get you something else, sweetie? Mm, that's okay, I'll just order in.
Do places deliver here, or is the neighborhood too dangerous? Oh, it's super safe except for that huge unsolved murder that's gonna happen.
- LINDA: Tammy! - What? LINDA: Okay, every towel's on the floor.
Relax.
You're out of hot water, so no one's gonna need a towel.
Where's the blow-dryer? - Right there.
- (scoffs) I was asking for the person, not the thing.
Oh, your mom blow-dries your hair? Only when my dad's out of town.
I'm not doing it.
There are too many tangles! Use the detangler! Ugh, what's "detangler"? I hope these sofa cushions are comfortable, Tammy.
Oh, Tina, you don't have to do that.
Well, I'm just being generous and Thunderful, and Hey, hey, wh-what are you doing? Uh, I assume I'm sleeping here - and you're sleeping down there.
- Then why'd you say, "Oh, you don't have to put cushions down"? I just thought you could sleep on the floor without cushions.
Okay.
Um Tammy, how's your night-farting? (yawns) I don't night-fart.
(farting) - (yawns) - GENE: Dad.
- Wh-Wh-What is it, Gene? - I lost my tooth.
Oh, that's good news.
Lin.
No, no.
I lost lost it.
Okay, uh, let's be calm.
We'll-we'll feel her out a little.
Maybe she'll be cool.
What? What's up? What do you want? Uh, so, the Gene baby tooth collection Oh, you mean my perfect little Gene mouth in a jar? Sometimes I talk to it.
And if I bury it in the woods, I bet a little boy would come up.
- (chuckles) What about it? - Nothing.
- I forget.
Hi, I'm just taking a breather.
From farts.
To breathe.
Yeah.
How are we gonna get through this Tammy week? - Drink? - Alcohol does not solve problems, Miss Missy.
It just makes them go away.
Guys, come on.
We can do this.
It's only four more days.
Is this barf? Barf.
My show's on.
(laughs) Why are you so bad at this? I thought I was getting better! - It's only three and a half more days.
- No, enough.
We're gonna have a little Tammy-vention.
Tammy, can you come out here, please? Okay, everyone stare at me.
You wear glasses? No, I wear contacts, which I am out of.
So I had to put these on, and now my face is totally Tina-ed! (quietly): Badge, badge, badge, badge.
- Tammy, we need to talk.
- It's okay.
- I think I know what this is about.
- Oh, good.
Being more polite and grateful and helpful.
(sighs) I know you guys think you're doing your best, but you could work on all three of these things.
Oh, my God.
Tammy, we're not a hotel.
Yeah, and we're not a restaurant.
- Right.
- Actually, we are a restaurant.
But not a good one.
Right.
I-I mean, the point is, Tammy, in our house, kids help out.
And we think you might kind of appreciate other people and things, uh, if you pitched in a little.
You know, work.
Work? Like, where? So I think you'll like working here.
-(moaning) - My coworkers are pretty fun.
- Mom's the office flirt.
She does get a little grabby at the Christmas party.
That's true.
This isn't happening.
I hate to haze you on your first day but, uh, mind passing me that ketchup? - What? - It's the red bottle right there.
- I'm sorry, I'm just not - Right-right by your hand.
Sorry.
Okay.
Actually, if you could start over.
- Right - You may even be touching it.
- Just put your fing right behind - I just I I don't You just you're you're right by it.
- I (moans) - You know, I got mustard here.
- I'm g-gonna I'm gonna do that.
- I'm just Yeah, I'm gonna go on break.
What? Tammy, you haven't done anything yet.
(crying): This isn't the spring break I was supposed to be having.
I was supposed to be kissing BFOTs on a boat.
Now I've got bad hair and glasses.
Damn it, Tammy, get it together.
You've lasted two minutes.
This is my life.
Ew! (crying) (bell jingles) Hey, hey, hey, restaurant girl.
Don't cry.
What's wrong? - I just wanted to take a break.
- But You poor dirty-faced thing.
Here's a handkerchief.
I carry one in case I run into sad humans.
Or boogers.
- Who are you? - Who are you? I'm Brett, I'm picking up an order.
Oh, that's coming right up.
Did you order one "grandpa style"? I-I don't know what that is.
Yeah, it's how my grandpa orders his burgers.
I guess it's just mashed up.
I'm in town visiting my grandfather this week.
- Here.
- Wow, you really filled this up.
I like that.
At my private school in Bethesda, I never get to meet down-to-earth girls who work in restaurants and really blow their nose.
(quietly): Geez, Tina.
A boy comes in here looking for a girl who works in a restaurant with lots of snot, and he doesn't meet you.
Bethesda? Is that where Jesus is from? Ha.
You're different.
Me, too.
So, same as you.
Is this your family's restaurant? No, my family left me with these people.
And now I work here.
Technically true.
I got to allow it.
Here's your order.
We treat Tammy very well.
And now I have to go.
Because I ordered this to go.
I wrote my number on a napkin.
Here.
Oh, are we exchanging numbers? Uh, hold on.
I've got one.
It's the emergency phone, but if it's, uh oh, you're gone.
Hey, it's my best friend, Peter Pescadero.
I'm gonna go give him a high five.
So, you got a fresh molar for me? I did, Gene, but I got a better offer.
Hogarth Haber needed a tooth for a science experiment where you drop it in soda and see if it dissolves.
I'll pay double.
Whatever double one dollar is.
It's too late, Gene, it's gone.
It dissolved so fast.
Soda's not good, man.
TAMMY: Okay, so, Brett's a little bit - Perfect, I know.
- weird.
But he's supes cute and a BFOT, and I'm going to salvage this crap spring break - by smooching him.
- (phone vibrates) Uh, right on schedge.
"I'm smelling my burger wrapper and thinking of you.
" Blah, blah, blah.
"Also, how come a day can be sunny, but a night can't be moony?" Eh? (gasps) That's a frickin' great text.
And I will text back An emoji of a high-heeled shoe? Tammy, you have to put words to your feelings.
Like the word "shoe"? Why don't you say, "Hi, Brett.
Do you ever think that shoulders are the butts of the arms?" You know, normal stuff like that.
"Hi, uh " Ugh, you just write it, Tina.
Me? Okay.
I mean, a little extra Thundergirl generosity, I guess.
- Word it up.
(phone vibrates) - Oh, a reply.
"Do you think if snakes wore pants, - it would just be a sock?" - (snores, farts) Maybe I should just handle this.
- (phone vibrating) - (laughs) Oh, Brett.
(yawns) Tina, what are you doing? Oh, you're up.
Uh, okay, so some news.
One, you have a date with Brett.
Yay.
Two, you should catch up on a couple texts.
Oh, my God, there are hundreds.
Yeah, you got a little carried away.
"If you could be any kind of furniture, what would it be? - I'd be a love seat"? - I know, good stuff.
I can't talk like this.
How am I gonna get through this date? Brett thinks I'm this dorky weirdo.
No, he doesn't, he thinks you're me.
Oh.
It's almost like I need to borrow your weird personality.
Wait, how would that work? You've come to the right person.
Uh, we didn't come to you at all.
Yeah, you just walked in here without knocking.
There wasn't time for you guys to figure out you needed me.
Fortunately, the walls are thin.
I think some of your walls are just wallpaper.
We can pull this off.
And all it's gonna take is a couple telephones, ear-buds, a little luck, big hats, potted plants, more luck, precision timing, some sort of a distraction, and a little luck.
- Sounds doable.
- Well, I wouldn't go that far.
But if it doesn't work, at least it'll fail enjoyably.
If you need a distraction, how 'bout these wubba-wubbas? Here's how it works.
You guys call each other, leave the line open.
The BFOT says something.
Tammy's phone picks it up, transmits it to Tina, bypassing Tammy's brain.
Tina replies into her phone.
Tammy repeats those words exactly, again bypassing Tammy's brain.
At no time is Tammy's brain used, understood? - Yes.
- Not at all.
- We're ready.
So that's my favorite horse movie or movie containing horses.
What about you? My favorite of those movies I've known about way before now is - Haunches of Glory.
- Haunches of Glory.
Oh, I loved the ads.
"Raise the roof for this hoof.
" Is that your boss' daughter in there? Ugh.
Yeah, spying on me.
So creepy.
(chuckles) Gonna drag me back to work probably.
Hey, she's not your slave! And that cloud looks like Gandhi in a gondola.
Am I crazy? I got a cloud that looks like a butt at two o'clock.
What do you know? Another butt cloud.
- Aah! My phone's dying.
- You're cutting out.
- Hmm? - Carbs.
Or at least I am.
(laughs) Oh, boy, she's flying solo.
(sighs) So Coo uh, yes.
Cuh-ca I can tell that you have so much to say.
Just say it.
Ugly people.
Are bad? - I don't - Aah! I have yogurt diarrhea.
Bye! That actually went a lot better than I thought it would.
BOB: Hi, Dr.
Yap.
- We called about the tooth? - Not here, Bob.
The coffee shop across the street.
More privacy.
- But - I said coffee shop.
They have booths and light jazz.
It's super nice.
That jazz better be damn light, buddy.
(light jazz playing) - Here's my inventory.
- GENE: Aah! Where's the rest of Michael Caine, you monster?! Oh, my God.
We-we want a baby tooth.
I don't extract baby teeth, Bob.
I yank gross, diseased adult teeth.
Uh, I guess this one, then.
Ooh, you have a good eye.
Smells like cigarette smoke and Barbasol.
All right, how much? - Whatever you think is fair.
- Free? Let's say 50 bucks.
- (scoffs) I'll give you ten.
- Deal.
TAMMY: I panicked.
I didn't know what to say.
I wasn't following the conversation.
I thought Brett was super easy to talk to.
Especially for someone I wasn't actually talking to.
That's why we're a good team, Tina.
I'm the face, you're the gunk behind the face.
But what if the gunk has feelings for Brett, also? - I'm confused.
- I like Brett.
A lot.
(scoffs) You don't even know him, Tina.
Actually, I think I do know him.
You know what? Use it.
Use your dumb feelings.
Get that BFOT on my kiss spot.
BRETT: Beautiful lady.
I hope this is your bedroom.
It's Brett! Ow! - Why'd you run away? - Um Please.
BADGE: This is where the Thunder-rubber meets the Thunder-road.
What's it gonna be, hotshot? (sighs) I was afraid of how much we have in common.
I was afraid of how much sodium's in ramen? Louder! You know what? Just stand there and move your mouth.
TINA: I guess what I'm trying to say, Brett, is, it's a moony night.
Do you sound different? Nope.
Anyway, I like you, and there's just you and me here.
Two hearts, two mouths.
- Four lips.
- Sink ships.
In the math of the heart, that equals kiss.
- How do I get up there? - I have a fire ladder.
I'll come down.
Nice job, Tina.
(Brett and Tammy kissing loudly) - Whoa.
- Ugh So, are we just gonna keep watching, or ? Keep watching.
- Okay, I'll get a chair.
- Get me one, too.
Sorry, Tina.
I thought this was gonna go disastrously wrong, - not disgustingly right.
- Ugh! Where's this gonna end? - I - Do.
- You do.
- do.
What a great honeymoon.
What a great honeymoon.
Come on, push.
- (Tina grunts) - (Tammy grunts) (baby cries) I don't like it.
I don't like it.
Whew! Are my lips still on? (laughs) Okay, here's the news.
Brett is taking me to dinner tomorrow, and I think he's on the verge of asking me to be his out-of-town girlfriend.
Out-of-town girlfriend.
You mean ? I'm gonna be an OOTGF! I knew you'd either end up an astronaut or that.
Here's what I need.
Some kind of smarty-boobs speech that gets him over the hump.
Like, "Hey, Brett, bleep, bloo, bluh, in conclusion, OOTGF.
" - Have fun with it.
- Tammy, I'm out.
I can't do it anymore.
Uh excuse me? It's not fair.
I think Brett likes me.
You're Milli Vanilli, and I'm those super-talented studio musicians that probably had to sleep in the same room as Milli Vanilli while Milli Vanilli farted up the place.
Oh, step off, girl.
He is mine.
So you just keep away from him, and you just keep telling me what to say to him.
- I won't.
- You will.
- I won't.
- You - Will! Tina, you can't abandon Tammy this late in the game.
- That's not Thunderful.
- But Tammy just wants you to put some more words in her mouth.
You can think up some interesting words, right? Oh.
Um, all right, I'll do it.
Good.
Keep it happy and snappy.
This plaque's really baked on.
We've just got to get it down to size.
And then we go after the mole on Dad's butt.
- Gene.
- Sorry.
Beauty mark on Dad's butt.
Bob, what's the racket down there? Oh, we're just, uh, making jewelry for your birthday.
Oh, oh, I don't want to see! I don't want to see! Uh, but when you do see it, it's gonna look store-bought and sensibly priced.
- Hi, milady.
Ready for our date? - Yeah, let's go.
- And we're here.
- Welcome to Bob's Burgers.
Let me show you to your table.
I'm kind of surprised you want to come here, Tammy.
Tonight she's not a dirty employee.
She's a dirty guest.
We can literally go anywhere else.
Well, you're here, so, enjoy.
I'll be your server tonight.
If you need anything, especially napkins, Tammy, let me know.
Here are some to get you started.
Eh? Oh.
"Forget the side of fries.
I want my side to be this guy by my side.
" I also do want fries.
It's still so yellow.
We-we have to paint it white or something.
Which white? There are a lot of whites, Bob.
Don't tell a handyman you want white.
I don't know.
Um, tooth white? "Tooth white.
" Uh, l-let me, let me get out the chips here.
There's Lily White, Winter White.
Ooh, Oyster Whisper? That's a pretty one.
Whatever Gene's teeth are.
Or we pick a white we're all excited about and throw a coat of that on Gene's teeth.
I want Tighty Whitey white.
We're not painting Gene's mouth.
Oh, boo.
I'll never forget the last few days uh Oops.
I spilled my water.
- More napkins here! - Here we are.
"And soon you'll be going back to Bethesda.
" Oop.
Ha.
Look at that.
I spilled your water.
Maybe more than one napkin this time? LINDA: Tammy's really going through the paper goods over there.
She's the same with TP.
She really lays down a nest.
"Soon, I'll be out of town from you.
" That's a weird way to say that.
I love it.
You do? Uh "But what if I had a totally different face?" Super cool hypothetical.
"And even if I was slightly taller than you thought I was "and I didn't put on eye shadow like I was frosting a fricking wedding cake " What the hell is going on here? Yeah, I'm not sure what you're saying.
I'm sure I'm gonna say something different in a minute.
As soon as I get a new napkin over here! I'm really sorry.
It looks like we're out of napkins.
Well, that's kind of a problem for me now because I need one! - That is a huge mess.
- She really is.
Ah, forget it.
I'm out.
I'm out, too, Brett of the closet.
The whole time you were talking to me, not Tammy.
What do you mean, grumpy napkin girl? I've been speaking to you through her, and now you and I are together.
Hi, I'm Tina.
(gasps) This whole thing It was a Cyrano de Burger-ac! Cyra-yes de Burger-ac.
- I I'm kind of upset.
- I get it.
Let's just go walk on the beach and talk, mouth to mouth.
I told my grandpa about you.
I mean her.
- I mean - Shh, shh, shh.
- You're all up in here.
- You guys tricked me.
Okay, you know what? Frankly, you didn't have to be that easy to trick.
What? You know, this stuff doesn't happen in Bethesda.
People there just say their own words.
What about when Tammy's voice changed completely? You just kind of went with that, Mr.
Handsome Hears What He Wants.
TAMMY: Guys, guys? Woof.
I have something to say.
And these are my actual words, I think.
You seem to have some gross chemistry, and you both make me tired, so just go walk together on the beach already.
I guess it wouldn't kill us.
Great.
Let's go.
I got my coat on while Tammy was talking.
Oh, I'm actually working tonight.
Ugh! I'll (scoffs) do nasty restaurant stuff for you, Tina.
Thanks, Tammy.
Maybe you're the one that deserves a Something Thunderful badge.
- Who cares? That thing is stupid.
- Good.
Phew.
All right, hand me that dish loofah.
- This is a sponge.
- What are you saying? - "Spawnge"? - Sponge! Spawnge.
(clears throat) Gene.
Oh, what have we here? Oh.
Oh, my God, is it time? Is it time?! I just lost my last (gags, coughs) - I think he swallowed it.
- Swallowed it?! - Oh, my God, Gene! - Oh, boy.
I ate a dead man's tooth! Now I'm gonna take on his personality.
Get me some smokes.
I want bourbon.
Wait.
What's going on? Um, we bought a dead man's tooth.
- Maybe not dead, but not well.
- Why? Because Gene lost lost his last baby tooth, and we didn't know how to tell you.
Please don't write me out of your will.
- I want those sweaters! - Oh, it's okay, Gene.
I was missing a few of your teeth anyway.
- What? - It's hard to keep a full set.
You know, you take 'em out and play with them, they get lost.
It's like Legos.
Oh, my God, we spent so much time on this.
Looks like the ocean's out tonight.
Hey, look, it's waving at you.
Damn, we're gonna kiss.
- (seagull squawks) - Oh, my God, did that seagull just cough up a tooth? Oh, uh, let me get that for my mom.
- What? - No, it can wait.
TAMMY: I'm the one who isn't a nerd TINA: I'm the one who thinks up the words TAMMY: I'm the face TINA: You fart up the place BOTH: But we got that BFOT right on the kiss spot TAMMY: I'm the one who drives him insane TINA: Only when I bypass your brain TAMMY: I'm adorbs TINA: You made me sleep on the floor BOTH: But we got the BFOT on the kiss spot TINA: Take it, Tammy.
TINA: Poop, poop, poopy-poop, poop, poop, poop Poop-poop, poop, pa-poopy-poop - Doop-a-poopy-poop - Happier and snappier.
(Tina blows raspberries rhythmically) TAMMY: Less farty.