Bob's Burgers s08e17 Episode Script


1 TINA: Whoa, the beach is littered with tourists and litter.
LOUISE: Who just lays on a blanket all day? Yeah, give your couch another try! - Couches are wonderful! - Totally.
And I hate how the water makes the sand stick to your - (whistle blows) - Sugar cookies! - skin.
- (laughter) That's a lot of contact.
Good idea.
We should go in for a closer look.
We were just wondering why you're rolling around in the sand like that? On each other? No judgment.
- We're doing sugar cookies.
- Sugar cookies? The sand's the sugar, we're the cookies.
Listen, pal, if sand was sugar, I'd know it.
It's a cool way for the squad to bond.
And warm up.
The squad? What kind of squad is it anyway? Just curious about squads, mainly this one.
- We're junior lifeguards.
- We get to do several of the same drills actual lifeguards do.
And when we graduate, our squad's picture will go on the wall of honor in the lifeguard station.
Just above the copier.
So - Wow.
- Well, thank you for you service - to our beach, to yourselves.
- (whistle blows) Hydrate, snack, sunscreen! (laughing, panting) So how does one become a junior lifeguard? Well, you got to love, but also respect, the beach.
That's so funny.
I was just saying how much I love, but also respect the beach.
Ha! You got to be a strong open ocean swimmer, you got to thrive in a disciplined environment, and you got to enjoy hard work.
- It's like you people know me.
- GENE: Hmm? So where do I sign up? Sign-ups were last week.
Kelly's right.
This session already started, and we're at capacity.
Thanks for the helpful bit of info, Kelly.
No prob.
Hey, Michael, want me to get your back? Sure, and I'll get your back.
- So much contact.
- (whistle blowing) - Partner up for the buoy swim! - (laughter) You can always sign up for the next session.
- When's that? - Next year! Next year? That's in, like, a million years! Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! I fell in a dumb hole! - Kelly, don't move, girl.
- Ow! Ow! We're looking at a grade three sprain.
- (gasping) - Ooh! - Aah! - But that'll take weeks to heal! - It's true.
And by then, this session will be over.
Oh, my God.
I wish I never even had stupid ankles.
Parker, Willow, help her to the station.
- (groaning) - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Why don't stupid people fill in holes? Speaking of filling in, since Kelly's out, does that mean I can fill in for her? Huh.
Let me think about that.
Let me ask you this.
Why do you want to be a junior lifeguard? I want to be a junior lifeguard because - (laughing) - Ah.
Because I love the beach, I'm a very, very strong swimmer, I'm super into discipline, and I've always wanted to be a lifeguard.
Yup, all true.
You can check my journal.
Uh, can we get the Wi-Fi password? The-the Wi-Fi password? Yeah, for the network "Kids Trapped Send Help.
" Oh, uh, that's my family's Wi-Fi network.
My-my kids named it that.
They're not really trapped.
I just don't know how to change it.
Uh, pretty sure it's pronounced "wiffy," right? Dude, it's "Wi-Fi.
" I think I mean, I think it's "Wi-Fi.
" Are we sure? Everyone's in agreement it's "Wi-Fi"? Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna keep calling it "wiffy" in my head.
Can't stop me from doing that.
So, can I get the password? Right, but it's my family's personal home network for upstairs family use, so Should we go across the street? I'm pretty sure they have Wi-Fi.
The password is "dadsbald," all lowercase one word.
- Lin! - Great.
Thank you.
Bob, people expect to have Wi-Fi nowadays.
Free Wi-Fi is this generation's free pens at the bank.
Those pens aren't free, Lin.
You have to break the chain to get the pen.
Yeah, it's easy.
-But maybe free Wi-Fi is good for business.
- TEDDY (laughs): That guy falls.
- Except for Teddy, - using it here for that.
- Oh, that's got to hurt.
(door bells jingles, whistle blows) Everyone, out of the water! Why am I saying that, you ask? - No.
I mean, yes.
- Because I am As soon as you sign this fun and mostly filled-out permission form The newest member of the famous Junior Lifeguards.
- So famous.
- So junior.
Um, Tina, should we work on your swimming? I remember you not knowing how to do that so great.
- Don't write that.
- It's fine.
She floats.
- It's like me.
We're floaters.
- All right.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.
- Ow.
- It's not.
All right, gang, it's time to officially welcome Tina here - into the Junior Lifeguards.
- Thanks, Zack.
Couple things about me I go to school, I live at home.
And I swim really, really well.
Okay, cool.
Thanks a lot, Tina.
Oh, and I'm pretty single right now.
I believe you guys were wondering about that earlier.
All right, time to stretch out, everybody.
Look, I know I'm only here because Kelly had that super embarrassing fall.
Yes, I'm taking her place, but I'm not the new Kelly.
Michael, whatever you had with Kelly doesn't just mean you have that with me.
No, yeah, I-I know that - Unless it does.
- (whistle blowing) Tina, less talking, more stretching! Sorry! Hey, how about some of us start a second row back here? Uh, this is too much, actually.
- I'm coming back.
- Tina, stop messing around! (whistle blowing) All right, guys, let's set up for a paddle relay.
Or we dive right into sugar cookies? - Some of us haven't done that yet? -(whistle blows) All right, that's it.
Drop and give me 20.
Everybody! - Why everybody? - Because, Parker, this is a squad.
You sink or swim, or save sinking swimmers as a squad.
(all groaning) - Thanks a lot, Tina.
- (groaning) High step, high step and dolphin dive! - Great dolphin, Willow.
- Thanks! Tina, you're the last one.
Wow that's cold.
This is gonna take me a few minutes to ease in.
Run! Now! Go! Aah! Aah! (coughs) That's enough of the water for me today.
Are there some indoor drills we can do? - (whistle blows) - We're startin' over! - What?! The squad does not finish until everyone can get past the breakers.
- So unfair! - Huh.
If ever there was a time to do sugar cookies, am I right? Who wants to show me the proper rhythm for chest compressions on Can't Breathe-y Stevie here? Jason, you ready to shine, bro? So, what do you think of Jason? I'm pretty sure he's into you.
- Jason's my brother.
- Oh.
I was wondering why you both said "Bye, Mom" to the same lady.
Still, there's something there.
So, whatcha writing? A novel? What? Oh, no, just catching up on e-mail.
Ooh, is it an e-mail to your publisher about your novel? No.
I-It's about the kids' soccer schedule.
- Oh.
- (laughs) I can't believe we didn't think of free Wi-Fi before.
It's busy, but calm.
Everyone's happy just staring at their screens.
Yeah, but I thought it'd be different.
Like, creative people, writing the next big thing, free-flowing ideas.
Instead it's just e-mail and online shopping, and whatever that guy's watching and crying about.
Uh, it's the British Baking Show.
Yeah, some old guy made a Swiss roll that made me feel something, for once.
It's weird that this is how they choose the prime minister.
- (bell jingles) - There's my little Tina-la Anderson.
Was your first day at the beach a day at the beach? Ugh, I'm tired, but also exhilarated.
So, what did we learn? Well, we learned that Michael and Kelly are still texting each other even though she's not in Junior Guards anymore.
Which is fine.
Love triangles are pretty common in JGs, I think.
Right, but did you learn anything about life-guarding, or swimming? Geez, Dad, give the girl a break.
She's probably exhausted from staring at all those lifeguard butts.
- Oh, my God.
- Well, I'm gonna go rest up.
Tomorrow is another big day of drama on the beach, starring me.
Beach drama Beach drama, whoa Beach drama, beach drama Can't Breathe-y Stevie Ooh, ooh Beach drama.
(whistle blowing) When you're done cleaning the boards, you can go.
And I hope it's as un-fun as it looks.
It is un-fun.
And it's messed up that we're all punished when only one of us is messing up.
Well, it might be "messed up," but it's how we do things in Junior Guards, gang.
That person you're referring to needs to think long and hard about why she's here.
And that she can quit at any time.
'Cause if this continues, I'm not so sure this squad is gonna graduate next week.
- Jeesh, what's his problem? - You.
- You're the problem.
- Yeah.
Just quit, Tina.
Okay, I-I think we all just need to cool down and lotion up.
Want me to get your back, Michael? No, I don't want you to get my back.
I just want to get through one day without you getting us in trouble.
(chuckles) Tina, why are you even here? You're not JGM.
- What's JGM? - (groans) Junior Guard Material.
Face it, Tina, you're a screw-up.
But I'm the lovable screw-up.
We all have our roles.
He's the hot one, he's also the hot one.
You guys get it.
Tina, Zack, Jason and Parker are right.
Mm, I think Willow said it, too.
You should really think about quitting.
- Yeah.
- Oh, if that's how you all feel, then, fine, I guess I'll quit.
What was that, Michael? I should stay? I'm the quiet leader? Did not say anything.
So, n-no one's gonna stop me? Fine.
I'm gonna turn in my whistle and can.
(laughs) Bob, have you seen that video where the monkey falls out of the tree after he smells his stinky finger? Take your headphones off, Teddy.
You're talking way too loud.
Yeah, he scratches his butt, then he smells his finger, then he falls right out of the tree.
Oh, I'm not doing it justice.
I can't describe it.
Y-You got to see it for yourself.
- Teddy! Take your head - No, I'm just gonna forward it to you.
Forget it.
Here's your order.
In the mouth, headed south.
Ha, ha! Nothing? Really? You're not gonna look up from the screen, even with me talking to you now? Hello? I put poison in your fries.
Okay, that's it.
That's enough screen time, people! Let's all take a ten-minute break.
- Lin.
- Okay, I'm going upstairs - to unplug the router.
- No, no, no, Lin.
The Wi-Fi has been good for business.
It's good for business, but bad for humans.
I don't want to live in a world where people don't look up and smile at me when I say hilarious stuff.
Not you, too, Sergeant Bosco.
Shush, shh, shh.
Shut up.
Don't say my name.
I'm undercover.
Um, but your badge is right there.
Damn it.
Don't look at me.
Just act normal and pretend I'm a customer.
Uh, what would you like to eat today, Sergeant Customer? I'll, uh, have, uh mm, a coffee.
- GENE: Very natural.
- Shush! (whispering): Um, why are you undercover? I'm investigating cyber robberies, that's why.
Hence the shorts.
Some scumbag on your Wi-Fi network is hacking into people's computers and stealing identities and credit card numbers and buying some really dumb stuff online.
(gasps) Who is it? If I knew that, I wouldn't be undercover, would I? Um, it says "police" on the back of your shirt.
Got-dangit! (quietly): Bob, change shirts with me.
Um, no.
So someone in the restaurant is a computer hacker, huh? Well, it's something.
Okay, I'm in.
What do you what do you mean, you're in? I'm in.
Let's go, let's do it, baby.
- What? - Is it him? - Is it her? Is it is it her? - Her what? -Is it him? - BOSCO: What are you talking about? No.
- GENE: Is it him? - Not No.
- LOUISE: Is it that one? -GENE: Him.
- LOUISE: What about that one? - I don't know.
Shh! You shush.
We're helping.
ZACK: Yeah.
Yeah, we can make the fun run a 3K instead of a 2K this year.
Yeah, another K is no prob.
Okay, look, I got to go.
The other line's ringing.
Lifeguard station, this is Zack.
Uh-huh, mm-hmm, you want to move the sand castle contest to south of the pier? I bet you can't wait to get up on that wall of honor.
(sighs) I'm not going up on the wall.
Sure you are.
You're a Junior Lifeguard, ain't ya? Not for much longer.
I'm turning in my whistle and my can.
What?! I can't think of a reason anyone would want to leave the Junior Guards.
The truth is, I only signed up to be around shirtless, teen boys.
Yeah, maybe quit then.
You might not be JGM.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, but really, I think everyone is right.
I should quit.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
But it doesn't feel right to quit.
Tina Belcher isn't a quitter.
But maybe she should be? Quitting is liberating and could be the way to go.
That's right, Mr.
Old Man, quitting is not the way to go.
I might've joined Junior Guards for the wrong reasons, but I'm gonna finish it for the right ones.
Yeah, Tina, what do you need? - I came in here to quit - Oh, okay, cool.
but a wise, old, wrinkly man convinced me otherwise.
- Ugh, Gus.
- I swear, I didn't mean to.
Also, "wrinkly"? No.
I've taken very good care of my skin.
So, I quit on quitting.
I'm gonna graduate Junior Guards and I'm getting on that wall right there.
Uh, not that wall.
That's the missing person's wall.
Um, that wall.
I can't believe you unquit, Tina.
Now we're never gonna graduate Junior Guards.
Look, we all just need to give me a second chance.
I promise I'm gonna work hard and I'll keep my eyes on the thighs.
- I mean, prize.
- (whistle blows) Partner up for the buoy swim.
So cold! High step! Aah! High step! And (coughs) I did it.
I-I dolphined.
(panting) Well, it wasn't the prettiest buoy swim and it looked like you swallowed a lot of water out there All the water.
but you did it without needing to be rescued.
- Nice job, Tina.
- Thank you.
It's the bare minimum, but you did it.
Thanks again.
Are you close to finding the cyber crook? No, no, I'm using some new program to trace the hack back to the source computer, but I'm-I'm no good at this tech stuff.
I'm terrible.
Maybe hit the keys harder? Wait a minute.
My Laptop.
"My Laptop"? Yeah, it's the name of a computer that's initiating the attack.
Which one of you is My Laptop? (quietly): So, we're looking for someone with a lap.
I'm on it.
No, no, get back here.
Damn it.
He's the best in the business.
You're in good hands.
- I forgot what I was looking for.
- My turn.
Don't mind me, I'm just a little girl lost in a restaurant.
Are you my mommy? Are you my mommy? You know, your children are awful.
No, I-I know.
(all panting) Ah, thanks, everybody.
- Whatever.
- What's that, Parker? You might have everyone else fooled, but I still think you shouldn't be on this squad.
Ugh, come on, Parker.
Tina is really trying.
She hasn't gotten us in trouble in days.
Yeah, and I'm keeping the chest glances to a minimum.
And I'm not even thinking about the love triangle I'm in with Michael and Kelly.
We're not in a love triangle.
Yes, we are.
We're handling it.
You really think she could save your life out there? You'd be willing to put your life in Tina's hands? - Um definitely no.
- Mm, I guess not.
- That's what I thought.
- Guys, come on.
I'm real deal JGM.
I'll prove it to you.
What if, um, I-I did the open ocean rescue drill? Tina, that's not a JG drill, that's an LG drill.
- Right.
What's LG again? - Lifeguard.
Right, right, right.
But I can still do it.
I can.
A-And, you know what, if I can't, then I'll quit.
I just need one of you to volunteer to be my victim.
I mean, to be rescued.
I think I know where I can find a volunteer.
What do you say, Can't Breathe-y Stevie? Want to go for a little swim? Tina, you can do this.
I think, maybe.
Dolphin dive.
(panting) Come on, Stevie, let's show these guys that I can Oh, God, you're heavy.
(groaning) WILLOW: She's doing it, sort of.
Are you absorbing water? Please, don't do that.
- Looks like she's gonna make it.
- I can't believe it.
Remain calm.
Help has arrived.
Wait a second, is that Ti Tina and Can't Breathe-y Stevie? What are you doing out here, Stevie? Oh, hi, Zack.
You come here, too? No way.
So, let me get this straight.
You snuck into the equipment shed, you stole poor Stevie here, dropped him into the ocean Probably ruining him And attempted to perform a non-sanctioned LG rescue drill? - Did I miss anything? - You missed the part where I was about to complete an open ocean rescue to prove to the rest of the Junior Guards that I belong.
Let me stop you right there.
You don't.
None of you do.
In the 58 weeks that I've been lead instructor of Junior Guards, I've never had to do this, but guess what? You're all kicked out.
- What? - (gasping) - Yeah.
You break the rules as a squad, you get kicked out as a squad.
You're dismissed forever.
- (sighs) -Ugh.
- Oh, boy, um should we exchange info and stay in touch? - Ugh.
- Plan a reunion? - Okay, everyone is crying.
- Unbelievable.
We can maybe regroup later.
Sorry, Junior Guards of yesteryear.
Don't say sorry to them.
Say sorry to Stevie.
He's dead.
Aw, poor baby.
You know, there are a million junior lifeguard programs in the sea.
You'll find another one.
No, this is the only one in the area.
Well, I'm sorry.
Yeah, sorry, Tina.
I know how much fun you were having being around boys not wearing shirts.
But it was more than that.
I really was loving being a Junior Guard, being part of a squad that meant something.
At least you get to keep that sweet, sweet whistle.
Oh, no, I got to bring it back tomorrow.
Well, play us something before you bring it back, will you? Ma-Maybe not.
Maybe not.
I-It's a little shrill.
- You let Mom talk.
- What?! (groans) (sighs) I let you all down.
I really thought I belonged up there with you.
Well, good-bye, lifeguard station.
Good-bye, beach.
Good-bye, litter.
Good-bye, sand castle contest.
Good-bye, 3K fun run.
What the the fun run is on the same day as the sand castle contest? And the lifeguards are tending to a level orange, real-world, Jet Ski reprimand.
Oh, no.
Guys, we have a situation.
Why are you wearing that like that? Because of the situation.
What are you talking about? Some idiot scheduled a 3K fun run on the same day as the sand castle contest.
- So what? - "So what"? Willow, the fun runners are running into a death trap for their ankles.
See for yourself.
(gasps) The finish line is just past the sand castle competition.
TINA: Castles, moats, holes, and runners headed straight towards them! If we don't do something, those sprained ankles are gonna be on us.
What can we do? We're not even Junior Lifeguards anymore.
Should we call it in? Tell the real lifeguards? They're busy.
It's up to us.
We've been trained to deal with this situation, right? - Not exactly.
- But pretty close.
- I mean, kind of.
- That's the spirit.
Look, I know there's been some drama and I know you all think it's my fault we got kicked out of Junior Guards - It was.
- Totally was.
Uh, right, yeah, sure, possibly.
But right now, we got to put our issues aside, put our love - triangle on hold, Michael - There's no love triangle.
- Okay, fine.
Love square.
Looking at you, Jason.
- What? and we go out there and save some innocent ankles.
Now, who's with me? - I'm in.
- Me, too.
- (sighs) - Let's do this.
Aah! (grunts) Faster.
The fun runners are almost here.
(grunting) (slow-mo): No.
Aah! (grunts) Sergeant Bosco, you're not undercover anymore? No more shorts? Yeah, no more shorts, probably ever.
Girl, say it ain't true.
So, you got the guy? Yeah, but it wasn't a guy.
It was a lady.
- (Gasps) The soccer mom.
I knew it.
- You did? - No, but I know it now.
- Well, that's just her cover.
In reality, she's a hacker, a sort of not-that-great hacker.
But you're a sort of not-that-great cyber cop.
Yup, so it worked out.
So, are we done then? No.
I got to take your router for evidence.
I'll get it back to you as soon as possible, and when I say that I mean maybe get a new router.
- Hmm.
- Anyway, thanks for your help.
I mean, you didn't help, but can you get the router, please? Whoa, what the hell is going on here? I just got a report that a bunch of Junior Guards trashed - the sand castle contest.
- No, no, we were helping.
Tina Belcher.
Of course you were behind this.
What are you even doing here? What are any of you ex-Junior Guards even doing here? You're kicked out.
I already told you that.
Yes, we destroyed the sand castles, but we were filling in holes and moats so people wouldn't break their ankles.
"Break their ankles"? Look, the fun run finish line was over there, past the sand castle contest.
What? (scoffs) That can't be.
I think the fun run usually isn't this long.
Plus, the sand castle contest is usually on a Sunday.
Yeah, some idiot put them both on the same day.
Oh, my God.
I may or may not have been that idiot that we're all talking about right now.
You kids saved the day and you saved my hide.
You're heroes.
Sir, Tina is the one who spotted the situation and pushed us to do something about it.
She's the real hero here.
Tina, is that true, girl? I don't want to say hero, but I like hearing it.
Well, then I guess I have no choice but to let you all graduate the Junior Lifeguards program.
- (cheering) - All right.
- Yes.
And I'm gonna request that you never tell anyone that I was the one who scheduled all those things - at the same time.
- Yay! So, go ahead, everybody.
Get up on that pier for your final exam.
- (cheering) - What final exam? - Aw, it's great.
We get to jump off the pier before we graduate.
That pier? (shouts) - Come on, Tina, jump! - No, thank you.
You can do it! - No, I really can't.
- Yes, you can.
And, plus, also, you sort of have to in order to graduate.
- Fine, then.
I'm out.
- Tina, no.
Look, I'll tell you what.
If you jump, you all get to warm up in the sand together.
You mean, sugar cookies? That's what I'm talking about.
- Aah! - Sugar cookies.
I'm never using a towel again.
Blow that whistle Make it thunder Save that guy He's going under, under Jump in the water Hair's getting tangled Time to check in, on my love triangle, lookin' good Sand's the sugar and we're the cookies Sugar cookies Sand's the sugar and we're the cookies Sugar cookies Sand's the sugar and we're the cookies Sugar cookies Jump in the water.
MICHAEL: The sand's the sugar, we're the cookies.