Bob's Burgers s10e03 Episode Script
Motor, She Boat
1 Tina, you're missing breakfast.
Your frozen waffles are gonna refreeze.
Mine is somehow burnt and frozen? - It defies science.
- I love Mom's waffsicles.
I'll have to take my waffsicles to go.
Dad and I have a meeting.
Right, Dad? Yep.
The Thundergirls Father - Daughter Cardboard Boat Race.
Oh, yeah.
You guys are doing your boat race again.
It's been a year already since the last one? It feels like yesterday when you were taping together boxes from the dumpster and calling it a boat.
There's a little more to it than that, Louise.
I mean, first we cut the cardboard, and then we tape it together.
So, speaking of taping things, I was watching a video online about how to use tape - Go on.
- And I thought maybe you might want to watch it, too, Dad? What do you mean, Tina? I know how to tape things together.
- ALL: Eh - BOB: Hmm.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it.
I mean, sure, I tape to the beat of my own drum.
But Tina, we make a great boat-building team, right? Yeah, totally, it's just, I'm getting up there in Thundergirl years, and this might be my last cardboard boat race.
Aww, I remember my last cardboard boat race.
Just kidding.
I did normal stuff when I was a kid.
- Hmm.
- And this year, I thought we could try something different, like, maybe we could put on the tape really, really straight? You know, so water doesn't get into our boat and we don't slowly sink, like every other year.
Just a thought.
- Okay.
- But don't get me wrong Iâm excited to build a boat together.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, that's the whole point.
Father-daughter, Tina and Dad.
Or as I like to call us, "Tad.
" - Yep, sure, yep.
- Mom and I have a name, too.
We're called "Mom Genes.
" - They fit great.
- Yeah! KAREN: Okay.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Karen, and I'm from the Thundergirls national office.
Some people call me Oversharin' Karen because sometimes I get a little TMI.
Like right now.
I probably didn't need to share my nickname.
- Mm.
- And, uh, I am the judge of the Father-Daughter Cardboard Boat Race.
(whoops, chuckles) Now, I might not be the judge next year because, fingers crossed, I'm going to be promoted to regional leader, which would be a big step for my career and my low self-esteem.
(chuckles) - Hmm.
- (whispers): Dad, shh.
Okay, let's go over some rules.
Uh, you can only use cardboard, tape and glue.
And no gadgets or gizmos or motors or futuristic underwater robots that make you go faster.
-Question.
-Can you wrap yourself in plastic, so you don't touch any lake water and get Giardia? - I think so? - Great.
- Uh, yes.
- If we see a duck, and the duck needs a ride somewhere, is that allowed? That seems fine.
Look, uh, how about you gals and your dads go over the rest of the guidelines and we'll circle back up in five, okay? I am very sweaty.
Is anybody else sweaty? - (whispering): Tina.
- What? Aren't those the girls who spied on your troop and stole all your cookie customers? TINA: Yeah, that's Troop 257.
They got banned from the jamboree, but I guess they're allowed to come to the boat race.
Just don't make eye contact.
We can hear you.
(chuckles): Oh, hey, Patty, Rena, all of Troop 257.
So great to see By the way, we don't do bad stuff anymore.
- Yeah.
We're good now.
- Total angels.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Angels usually give the middle finger.
Thanks for that, Rena.
Hey, wait.
Where are your dads? - Over there in the back.
- Hi, Patty-cakes! - Don't call me that, Dad! - Sorry! I'm just glad they let me sit near them.
(chuckles) - Uh, yeah, for now, Bethany.
- More like Breath-any.
(laughter) (laughs) Oh.
Oh, you girls.
(exhales sharply) Ooh oh.
Oh, boy.
Wow.
They're, um, really scary, huh? Yeah.
They're terrifying.
Does that one have a tear drop tattoo? TINA: Yeah.
She draws it on meetings.
At least, I think she draws it on.
(door bells jingle) - Hi, Mike.
- Here's your mail, Linda.
Anything for me? I'm expecting a postcard from Ken.
He went fjord-hiking in Norway and I'm fjurious at him for not inviting me.
- No, sorry kid.
- Mike, do you want a coffee? - Yes, please.
- (gasps) Ooh! The fire station open house is this Saturday.
- Ooh, no thanks.
- (moans) You kids love going to the fire station open house.
We did love going, when we were little and we enjoyed bright, loud things.
But we have you, and you're plenty.
You guys used to love coming to the post office open house, too.
Oh wait, you never came to the post office open house.
Oh, I didn't know the post office has an open house.
- Don't pretend you're interested.
- No, I'm interested.
- (sighs) - I'm interested! - Can I just get my coffee? - Coming right up.
- Oh, we're out of coffee.
- You like us.
Who's ready to make a boat? Oh, hey.
There he is.
(chuckles) Oh.
Did you already cut up all the cardboard? Yeah, it was no big deal, just something I did in the middle of the night.
Okay.
So, I guess we can just start taping the sides together.
You know what? Uh, maybe I should do the taping.
Tina, it'll be fine.
I'll tape it really straight.
Oh, totally, totally.
But maybe I should tape, and you should do something else.
Want to write the name of the boat on one of the side pieces? Okay.
We're going with Tad, right? Yep.
But don't write it messy.
And use bubble letters.
And maybe a little bigger.
(sighs) Do you want to write it yourself? No, that's not what I'm saying.
- Tina, you took the marker.
- Uh-huh.
- You're now yeah, yeah - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- And now you're writing.
- No, no, you write it.
- Y-You just wrote it, so we're done.
- Yep.
- Great.
- Good job, Dad.
- Hey, Lin.
I can take over if you want - Bob, what are you doing up here? Yeah, aren't you and Tina building your dumpster boat? Tina seems to have everything under control.
I don't really think she really needs my help.
But I thought it was a father-daughter boat race.
Not a daughter- mopey-dad-upstairs race.
Shoot.
Bob, get your Papa Bear butt back down there.
No, I-I don't want to get in Tina's way.
I mean, she is getting older.
Maybe she doesn't need my help as much as she used to.
It's okay.
My kids don't need me anymore.
- It's fine.
- Aww, Bobby.
Tina still needs you.
We all do.
Right, kids? - Who, this guy? - TINA: Hey, Dad? Tina? - Everything okay? - I don't know what happened.
Uh, I was taping cardboard, and the next thing I knew, tape was all over the place.
- Can you help me, Dad? - Really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- (groans): Uh - What? Uh, nothing.
Thumbs-up.
(groans): Uh Wow, we used a lot of tape on our boat, huh? I guess I was a little worried about doing a bad job.
It's great.
Lots of tape is great.
So what if it still isn't quite stuck together? - Who cares, right? - KAREN: This is how you sound firm, Karen.
(deep voice): No, wait, this is how you sound firm.
- Uh, are-are you talking to us? - (regular voice): Uh oh.
No.
Sorry.
I was just carrying paddles and talking to myself.
- Oh, okay.
- Julianne from Thundergirls National will be here today, and she's in charge of hiring the new regional leader, which will be me, I hope.
But Julianne told me I had to work on my firmness.
First, I thought she was talking about my abs.
And I was like, "Rude.
" But it-it was just about my personality.
Huh.
So much to take in.
I know, I know, I know.
There I go again.
Less gabbing, more firmness, Karen.
Oh, that sounded firm.
Nice boat.
Did you want some cardboard with that tape? - (laughter) - Good one, Patty.
(chuckles): Okay, girls.
Let's be nice.
- This is us being nice! - Okay, okay.
Wow, they're intense, huh? No, I think you did a great job taping the boat.
- What? - What? Nothing.
Let's keep walking.
Here we go.
You know what's weird about the farmers market, I've never seen them sell even one farmer.
Why are we going to the farmers market, again? I told you.
Because we need more food.
You know, for cooking.
Oh.
Oh, look.
It's the fire station, and they're having their open house.
You're a liar! You're not taking us to the farmers market at all.
- Okay.
Okay - You're teaching us to lie! All along I was like, "You were born bad," but it's not, it's the nurturing! Stop with the dramatics.
Mom, we don't want to go to the fire station open house.
It's not for us, it's for little kids.
Oh, the firefighter wants us to go in.
- Come on.
Let's go in.
- (both) Nooooo! Great, here we go.
KAREN: This is impressive craftsmanship, - Patty.
- No crap, Sherlock.
All right, Troop 257, you guys all pass inspection.
You and your dads can take your boats to the starting line.
Wait.
Where are your dads? Picnic table.
They like it there.
Oh, my God, they're looking at us.
Hi! (groans) Time for your boat inspection.
Then it's time for me to have a snack.
Glad I brought whatever these are.
I'll call them raisins.
- Nope, they're not raisins.
- Okay.
Hmm.
A lot of tape.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, this looks legit to me.
You can move it to the starting line.
All right.
Team Tad passing inspection.
Yeah.
Phew.
Ready, Dad? - Oh, no! Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Uh, uh-oh.
- (hyperventilating) - Don't-don't worry.
Tina, we can fix this.
- I-I think.
- RENA: Help! - What was that? - RENA: I need everyone's help right now! Oh, no.
That's Rena's voice.
A squirrel stole my sash with all my RENA: and it ran up this tree so I went after it but now I'm stuck.
(panting): Rena, I'm gonna get you down from there.
How did a squirrel take her sash? I-I don't get it.
- Yeah, Dad, you don't get it! - Wait.
Do you think I'm siding with the squirrel? 'Cause I'm not.
I mean, I'd like to hear its side of the story Our boat is a piece of poop! - Tina.
- I shouldn't have let you help! I should've just done it all myself! You ruined the boat! And now Team Tad is Team Bad.
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
- Yikes.
Maybe you should sit with the other dads.
With those sad dads at the picnic table? Maybe it's for the best.
I'm gonna go cool off.
Hey, you've got other kids, right? BOB: Thanks, Harley.
Appreciated.
Isn't this fun? Look at the big trucks! Yep.
That's the fire house for you.
How about a helmet and a sticker for our junior firefighters? Ooh, helmets and stickers.
-(groans) -Let me get a picture of you guys.
Smile and say "Backdraft!" Actually, miss, back drafts are a very serious threat to firefighters.
They're nothing to smile about.
Oh.
Billy Bummer over here.
Mom, maybe we should call it.
There's not much for us to do here.
Unless we could play with the hoses? Sorry, I can't let you play with the hoses.
Is there a calendar I can pose for? Actually, we shot the calendar last week.
I'm April.
I'm gonna call you April Showers.
I-I don't love "ril Showers.
" - You will.
- Well, that's that.
- Gene, shall we? - No, we're not leaving.
Gene's got to put on a coat that's too big for him.
- It'll be adorable.
- (chuckles): That is always cute.
(Gene moans) (muttering): Stupid tape, can't tape What the You can't even tell which boat is which.
- Except that one has a motor.
- (laughter) - (gasps) Oh, my god! - Huh? Hi, guys.
Just checking if this leaf is poisonous.
Nope.
Safe to eat.
- Tina, are you spying on us? - No! Sorry.
I was just walking along, um, and I didn't mean to see you switching your boat for one that looks exactly like it but has a motor on it and Wait a minute, you're cheating.
Why am I apologizing to you? Patty, what do we do? Should we kill her? - What? No! - No.
Listen, guys, Tina caught us.
Guess you're gonna have to go tell Karen.
Yeah, I am.
- You are.
- And don't try to stop Oh, we won't.
Okay.
This isn't going how I expected.
Should we exchange phone numbers or hug it out or ? - No.
Yuck.
- Right, right, right.
(panting) Whoo.
Okay, everyone, let's head back to the lake.
Karen! I have to tell you something.
Was my underwear showing when I was climbing down the tree? I wore my Thursdays 'cause my Saturdays had a case of the Mondays, if you know what I mean.
(chuckles) No, I-I don't know what you mean, but, listen, Patty has two boats.
One is the boat you inspected and the other boat looks exactly the same, but has a motor attached, and she's gonna race with the motorboat.
Oh, my God, that is terrible.
- I know, right? - Oh, they are big trouble.
But let's wait until after the race to punish them.
Yeah.
Wait, what? Yeah.
Uh, Julianne isn't here yet.
She's running late, and Julianne would love to see them punished, so, uh (chuckles) let's wait, okay? - Um - Now, if you'll excuse me, I scraped both my nipples on the way down the tree and I'm gonna go put some lip balm on them in my car.
Okay, be careful.
That stuff's addictive.
Look who's getting a little tour of all the rooms in the firehouse.
Pretty neat, huh? Mother, please, we really should leave.
I mean, we're old enough to be these kids' parents.
This is the kitchen.
Joey's making ribs.
Interested.
Keep talking.
And over here is our screening room.
(gasps) Are they watching The Marvelous Mrs.
Maisel while they wait for ribs? Is this heaven? - Oh, hey, Captain.
- Ooh, look kids, it's the captain of the fire station.
He's in charge.
- Yes, hi.
Captain Davis.
- Sir, yes, sir! I'm not that kind of captain.
(sighs) So sorry about her.
And you're paddling and you're paddling and you're Guys, I have to tell you something.
Oh, hey, Tina.
Sorry your boat fell apart.
Troop 257 has another boat that looks exactly like Patty's and has a motor and Karen doesn't seem to care and - you're not listening.
- What? Sorry, Tina.
(grunting) I'm practicing my paddling.
You got this, Harley.
But 257 is gonna cheat.
Are you sure, Tina? Seems like they're better now.
(grunting) Uh-oh! There's a duck who wants a ride.
-What're you gonna do? -Uh, uh, I get him on real quick, - but I don't break my stride.
- That's my girl.
Tina, are you maybe a little jealous because your boat fell apart? What? No! You guys We saw the way you yelled at your dad about your boat.
That was rough.
- Yeah.
- (sighs) Forget it.
Harley, there's a goose.
He hates ducks.
What do you do? Go for the neck! (grunting) Keep my stride! So you don't think these socks are too high? No, I-I think they're great.
Uh, Dad? Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Uh, are you, are you gonna yell at me again? No, I, no, I just need to talk to you about something that's important.
Your daughter wants to talk to you? Way to go, man.
And Karen doesn't seem to care, and I tried to tell my troop and they thought I was being jealous.
Huh.
What you're saying kind of makes sense.
- It does? - Yeah.
I mean, didn't Karen say that she was trying to prove she was firm or something? Yeah.
I mean, she says a lot a lot of things.
Like, so many things.
Well, what if Karen didn't want to punish Troop 257 until Julianne got here hat Karen could look firm in front of Julianne to get that promotion? And what if she didn't care about the cheating because she knew it was gonna happen the whole time because she's working with Troop 257.
Oh, my God! You think? (sighs) I mean, it sounds crazy.
Troop 257 is crazy.
That's their thing.
- So what do we do? - Hm I-I don't know.
Um, somehow magically switch the boats back without getting caught and ruin their plan? - Yes! - Oh.
I mean, I don't know how we'd even do that.
It seems really hard.
Dad, Karen is working with Troop 257 and no one is stopping them.
Switching their boats back is our only hope.
Please? Okay, let's do it.
- Dad? - Yeah? I'm really sorry I yelled at you and called you crappy tape hands.
It's all right, Tina.
When did you call me crappy tape hands? In my head I did, and I said you probably failed out of tape school.
- Oh, that's harsh.
- I know.
Okay, now let's do one with your hands over your ears - like the siren's too loud.
- KIDS: No.
Come on, you guys used to love sitting in the truck.
Remember? Ma'am, maybe it's time to give someone else a turn in the truck.
I mean, you've been here for a while.
All right.
Maybe we can go upstairs and help the fellas serve the ribs? Eh, the guys don't want you back upstairs till they're done with Mrs.
Maisel.
You kind of spoiled some of it for them.
No, no, I-I was just saying I thought that thing at the end - was gonna be - Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no! D-Don't say anything.
I haven't seen it yet.
Aw, look at that big happy smile.
Maybe I can photo-paste it onto Louise and Gene.
- Here, look at me, look at me.
- (phone camera clicks) Ugh.
Is mom wishing we were little kids again or something? Oh, yeah.
I've seen this a lot with parents Classic case of wanting to turn back time.
Ah.
So what do we do? The longer she stays, the worse she'll get.
- You-you got to take her home.
- We've tried.
Can we, like, call in a fire or something? Then she'd have to leave.
No, we can't fake an emergency.
- Damn it.
- (groans) But we could turn on the lights and pull out of the driveway and do a loop or two, and if you happen to tell your mom that we had an emergency call, that's your business.
- Genius.
- We are on it, Chief.
- I'm a captain, not a chief.
- Don't sell yourself short.
You think our plan is going to work? Maybe.
I mean, honestly, I'd be surprised.
But let's just hope for the best.
- DADS: Hey! - Hm? PATTY'S DAD: Everyone come see us! - Who's that? - That sounds like my dad.
Mine, too.
- Ready? - Ready.
(panting) I can't believe you convinced all those dads to climb the tree to get their daughters' attention.
Yeah.
I mean, I-I kind of just copied Rena's plan.
Plus, they are pretty desperate.
PATTY'S DAD: Hi, honey! Isn't this cool? What are you guys doing up there? Check this out.
Oh, God.
Look, there's Patty's not-motor boat.
Um, what's going on? -Bethany? What are you doing here? -Oh, boy.
Peeing in the woods, or on the woods, depending on how you look at it.
What are you two doing with Patty's boat? BOTH: Uh We were just checking to see if this boat was poisonous.
Nope.
(chuckles) Wait, hold on.
You're switching back Patty's cheater boat that has a motor on it for her legal boat that's hidden in the woods? Sort of.
I mean, yeah.
That's exactly what we're doing.
'Cause you think Karen is in on their plan to cheat so that she can look tough busting 257 - in front of Julianne and get promoted? - Yes.
- I'm gonna help you.
- What? - Huh? Listen, if the girls and Karen are in cahoots, that's not good If Karen gets the regional leader job, she can decide which troops get which cookie routes.
She'll give 257 all the best routes.
But wouldn't you like that? I mean, you're their troop leader.
I am, but it's always about cookies with those girls.
What about songs? What about basket weaving? What about tie-dye? Ugh! There's so much more to life.
What I don't get is why Karen is okay with them cheating.
I mean, I know she really wants to be regional leader, but that's so wrong.
(gasps) Because they have something on her.
I overheard some of the girls say that, last year, at the cookie pickup, they got Karen talking and she told them she kept a lost pug instead of returning it to its owner.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
She even cut off its collar and dyed him blond.
That sounds cute, but messed up.
The race is starting soon.
We got to move if we're gonna stop 'em.
Let's boat block those B's.
Okay, kids, I'm gonna pretend I'm a fire and you put me out, okay? - (babbling) - (bell ringing) DISPATCH (over P.
A.
): Flames reported on the corner of Elm Lane.
Calling all vehicles in the area.
Wow.
I had my doubts this would work, but you guys are really selling it.
This is an actual emergency.
You need to leave immediately.
It's us.
You don't have to pretend with us.
I'm not pretending.
(laughs) Oh, my God, you're an incredible actor.
You should get an agent and an entertainment lawyer.
This isn't an act! (sirens wailing) - Whoo! - Yeah! Should we wait till they come back? KIDS: No! Tina, how's Tad feeling? I think it's actually gonna hold.
Thanks, by the way.
Of course.
Okay, girls.
Julianne, do you want to do the honors? Sorry it smells like onions.
I had an everything bagel and a whole onion.
(sniffs) Oh, it does.
Ready, - set, go! - (girls grunting) - What's happening? - The motor's not working.
Just paddle and-and get to the end.
You can still get in trouble for having a motor even if you didn't use it.
Just try to win.
How's it going, Patty.
Boat troubles? Oh, beat it, Thunder-dork.
BOB: Oh, my God, they're neck and neck.
Go, Tina! - I came in second! - You came in second! What the ? - Congratulations, young lady.
- A-ha! Caught red-handed.
Motors are not allowed Wait, what? It, uh It's here.
It, uh (chuckles) It must be.
Well, it's not, Karen.
Let's just assume there's a motor somewhere here on this boat, and, uh, Patty, you're busted.
I'm firm.
The end.
Um, Karen, what are you talking about? Someone's getting a promotion.
That's what I'm talking about.
Right? (chuckles) Whatever is happening right now is kind of making me - strongly consider other candidates.
- That makes sense.
And you should know you have two greasy spots on your uniform.
It's lip balm.
Patty, congratulations for winning and not cheating.
You switched my boat back, didn't you? Yeah, I did.
We did.
Checkmate, Patty-cake.
- Hm, good one.
- Thanks, Dad.
Did you win a trophy, honey? - Yeah, you want it? - You want me to have it? Yeah, sure, whatever.
Let's get out of here.
- Can I give you a hug? - No! - I got to hug someone.
- Oh.
Um, okay.
- I'm so proud of you, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry I dragged you to the fire station open house.
It wasn't all bad.
I liked when they kicked us out.
I guess I was just missing the old days, but you're right, you outgrew it.
Aw! You guys are holding my hands.
- Oh.
Whoops, sorry.
- No, no, I like it! I like it! Ow! Mom, you're hurting me.
Oh, it feels so good to squeeze you! - BOB: Hey, guys.
- You're back.
How was it? (singsongy): Guess who won second place? It was me and Dad.
Wow! Go Team Tad! All right! Why are you guys wearing fire hats? We went to the fire station open house.
Jealous? - Have you been gone all morning? - Yeah.
So, no one's been working at the restaurant.
- Nope.
- Great.
I guess we don't need money today.
Hey, you want to get in on this? Tina, take Louise's hand.
- Bob, you grab Gene's.
- One of them had a booger on it, the other did not.
Just kidding! They both had boogers on them.
- Ugh, Gene.
- Yay! Family hand-holding! Yessa! ("Hot Hot Hot" by Buster Poindexter playing) LINDA: And a-rum bum bum And a-bum bum bum Yes, girls Me mind on fire, me soul on fire Feeling hot, hot, hot Who's hot? Party people all around me Feeling hot, hot, hot What to do.
Your frozen waffles are gonna refreeze.
Mine is somehow burnt and frozen? - It defies science.
- I love Mom's waffsicles.
I'll have to take my waffsicles to go.
Dad and I have a meeting.
Right, Dad? Yep.
The Thundergirls Father - Daughter Cardboard Boat Race.
Oh, yeah.
You guys are doing your boat race again.
It's been a year already since the last one? It feels like yesterday when you were taping together boxes from the dumpster and calling it a boat.
There's a little more to it than that, Louise.
I mean, first we cut the cardboard, and then we tape it together.
So, speaking of taping things, I was watching a video online about how to use tape - Go on.
- And I thought maybe you might want to watch it, too, Dad? What do you mean, Tina? I know how to tape things together.
- ALL: Eh - BOB: Hmm.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it.
I mean, sure, I tape to the beat of my own drum.
But Tina, we make a great boat-building team, right? Yeah, totally, it's just, I'm getting up there in Thundergirl years, and this might be my last cardboard boat race.
Aww, I remember my last cardboard boat race.
Just kidding.
I did normal stuff when I was a kid.
- Hmm.
- And this year, I thought we could try something different, like, maybe we could put on the tape really, really straight? You know, so water doesn't get into our boat and we don't slowly sink, like every other year.
Just a thought.
- Okay.
- But don't get me wrong Iâm excited to build a boat together.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, that's the whole point.
Father-daughter, Tina and Dad.
Or as I like to call us, "Tad.
" - Yep, sure, yep.
- Mom and I have a name, too.
We're called "Mom Genes.
" - They fit great.
- Yeah! KAREN: Okay.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Karen, and I'm from the Thundergirls national office.
Some people call me Oversharin' Karen because sometimes I get a little TMI.
Like right now.
I probably didn't need to share my nickname.
- Mm.
- And, uh, I am the judge of the Father-Daughter Cardboard Boat Race.
(whoops, chuckles) Now, I might not be the judge next year because, fingers crossed, I'm going to be promoted to regional leader, which would be a big step for my career and my low self-esteem.
(chuckles) - Hmm.
- (whispers): Dad, shh.
Okay, let's go over some rules.
Uh, you can only use cardboard, tape and glue.
And no gadgets or gizmos or motors or futuristic underwater robots that make you go faster.
-Question.
-Can you wrap yourself in plastic, so you don't touch any lake water and get Giardia? - I think so? - Great.
- Uh, yes.
- If we see a duck, and the duck needs a ride somewhere, is that allowed? That seems fine.
Look, uh, how about you gals and your dads go over the rest of the guidelines and we'll circle back up in five, okay? I am very sweaty.
Is anybody else sweaty? - (whispering): Tina.
- What? Aren't those the girls who spied on your troop and stole all your cookie customers? TINA: Yeah, that's Troop 257.
They got banned from the jamboree, but I guess they're allowed to come to the boat race.
Just don't make eye contact.
We can hear you.
(chuckles): Oh, hey, Patty, Rena, all of Troop 257.
So great to see By the way, we don't do bad stuff anymore.
- Yeah.
We're good now.
- Total angels.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Angels usually give the middle finger.
Thanks for that, Rena.
Hey, wait.
Where are your dads? - Over there in the back.
- Hi, Patty-cakes! - Don't call me that, Dad! - Sorry! I'm just glad they let me sit near them.
(chuckles) - Uh, yeah, for now, Bethany.
- More like Breath-any.
(laughter) (laughs) Oh.
Oh, you girls.
(exhales sharply) Ooh oh.
Oh, boy.
Wow.
They're, um, really scary, huh? Yeah.
They're terrifying.
Does that one have a tear drop tattoo? TINA: Yeah.
She draws it on meetings.
At least, I think she draws it on.
(door bells jingle) - Hi, Mike.
- Here's your mail, Linda.
Anything for me? I'm expecting a postcard from Ken.
He went fjord-hiking in Norway and I'm fjurious at him for not inviting me.
- No, sorry kid.
- Mike, do you want a coffee? - Yes, please.
- (gasps) Ooh! The fire station open house is this Saturday.
- Ooh, no thanks.
- (moans) You kids love going to the fire station open house.
We did love going, when we were little and we enjoyed bright, loud things.
But we have you, and you're plenty.
You guys used to love coming to the post office open house, too.
Oh wait, you never came to the post office open house.
Oh, I didn't know the post office has an open house.
- Don't pretend you're interested.
- No, I'm interested.
- (sighs) - I'm interested! - Can I just get my coffee? - Coming right up.
- Oh, we're out of coffee.
- You like us.
Who's ready to make a boat? Oh, hey.
There he is.
(chuckles) Oh.
Did you already cut up all the cardboard? Yeah, it was no big deal, just something I did in the middle of the night.
Okay.
So, I guess we can just start taping the sides together.
You know what? Uh, maybe I should do the taping.
Tina, it'll be fine.
I'll tape it really straight.
Oh, totally, totally.
But maybe I should tape, and you should do something else.
Want to write the name of the boat on one of the side pieces? Okay.
We're going with Tad, right? Yep.
But don't write it messy.
And use bubble letters.
And maybe a little bigger.
(sighs) Do you want to write it yourself? No, that's not what I'm saying.
- Tina, you took the marker.
- Uh-huh.
- You're now yeah, yeah - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- And now you're writing.
- No, no, you write it.
- Y-You just wrote it, so we're done.
- Yep.
- Great.
- Good job, Dad.
- Hey, Lin.
I can take over if you want - Bob, what are you doing up here? Yeah, aren't you and Tina building your dumpster boat? Tina seems to have everything under control.
I don't really think she really needs my help.
But I thought it was a father-daughter boat race.
Not a daughter- mopey-dad-upstairs race.
Shoot.
Bob, get your Papa Bear butt back down there.
No, I-I don't want to get in Tina's way.
I mean, she is getting older.
Maybe she doesn't need my help as much as she used to.
It's okay.
My kids don't need me anymore.
- It's fine.
- Aww, Bobby.
Tina still needs you.
We all do.
Right, kids? - Who, this guy? - TINA: Hey, Dad? Tina? - Everything okay? - I don't know what happened.
Uh, I was taping cardboard, and the next thing I knew, tape was all over the place.
- Can you help me, Dad? - Really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- (groans): Uh - What? Uh, nothing.
Thumbs-up.
(groans): Uh Wow, we used a lot of tape on our boat, huh? I guess I was a little worried about doing a bad job.
It's great.
Lots of tape is great.
So what if it still isn't quite stuck together? - Who cares, right? - KAREN: This is how you sound firm, Karen.
(deep voice): No, wait, this is how you sound firm.
- Uh, are-are you talking to us? - (regular voice): Uh oh.
No.
Sorry.
I was just carrying paddles and talking to myself.
- Oh, okay.
- Julianne from Thundergirls National will be here today, and she's in charge of hiring the new regional leader, which will be me, I hope.
But Julianne told me I had to work on my firmness.
First, I thought she was talking about my abs.
And I was like, "Rude.
" But it-it was just about my personality.
Huh.
So much to take in.
I know, I know, I know.
There I go again.
Less gabbing, more firmness, Karen.
Oh, that sounded firm.
Nice boat.
Did you want some cardboard with that tape? - (laughter) - Good one, Patty.
(chuckles): Okay, girls.
Let's be nice.
- This is us being nice! - Okay, okay.
Wow, they're intense, huh? No, I think you did a great job taping the boat.
- What? - What? Nothing.
Let's keep walking.
Here we go.
You know what's weird about the farmers market, I've never seen them sell even one farmer.
Why are we going to the farmers market, again? I told you.
Because we need more food.
You know, for cooking.
Oh.
Oh, look.
It's the fire station, and they're having their open house.
You're a liar! You're not taking us to the farmers market at all.
- Okay.
Okay - You're teaching us to lie! All along I was like, "You were born bad," but it's not, it's the nurturing! Stop with the dramatics.
Mom, we don't want to go to the fire station open house.
It's not for us, it's for little kids.
Oh, the firefighter wants us to go in.
- Come on.
Let's go in.
- (both) Nooooo! Great, here we go.
KAREN: This is impressive craftsmanship, - Patty.
- No crap, Sherlock.
All right, Troop 257, you guys all pass inspection.
You and your dads can take your boats to the starting line.
Wait.
Where are your dads? Picnic table.
They like it there.
Oh, my God, they're looking at us.
Hi! (groans) Time for your boat inspection.
Then it's time for me to have a snack.
Glad I brought whatever these are.
I'll call them raisins.
- Nope, they're not raisins.
- Okay.
Hmm.
A lot of tape.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, this looks legit to me.
You can move it to the starting line.
All right.
Team Tad passing inspection.
Yeah.
Phew.
Ready, Dad? - Oh, no! Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Uh, uh-oh.
- (hyperventilating) - Don't-don't worry.
Tina, we can fix this.
- I-I think.
- RENA: Help! - What was that? - RENA: I need everyone's help right now! Oh, no.
That's Rena's voice.
A squirrel stole my sash with all my RENA: and it ran up this tree so I went after it but now I'm stuck.
(panting): Rena, I'm gonna get you down from there.
How did a squirrel take her sash? I-I don't get it.
- Yeah, Dad, you don't get it! - Wait.
Do you think I'm siding with the squirrel? 'Cause I'm not.
I mean, I'd like to hear its side of the story Our boat is a piece of poop! - Tina.
- I shouldn't have let you help! I should've just done it all myself! You ruined the boat! And now Team Tad is Team Bad.
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
- Yikes.
Maybe you should sit with the other dads.
With those sad dads at the picnic table? Maybe it's for the best.
I'm gonna go cool off.
Hey, you've got other kids, right? BOB: Thanks, Harley.
Appreciated.
Isn't this fun? Look at the big trucks! Yep.
That's the fire house for you.
How about a helmet and a sticker for our junior firefighters? Ooh, helmets and stickers.
-(groans) -Let me get a picture of you guys.
Smile and say "Backdraft!" Actually, miss, back drafts are a very serious threat to firefighters.
They're nothing to smile about.
Oh.
Billy Bummer over here.
Mom, maybe we should call it.
There's not much for us to do here.
Unless we could play with the hoses? Sorry, I can't let you play with the hoses.
Is there a calendar I can pose for? Actually, we shot the calendar last week.
I'm April.
I'm gonna call you April Showers.
I-I don't love "ril Showers.
" - You will.
- Well, that's that.
- Gene, shall we? - No, we're not leaving.
Gene's got to put on a coat that's too big for him.
- It'll be adorable.
- (chuckles): That is always cute.
(Gene moans) (muttering): Stupid tape, can't tape What the You can't even tell which boat is which.
- Except that one has a motor.
- (laughter) - (gasps) Oh, my god! - Huh? Hi, guys.
Just checking if this leaf is poisonous.
Nope.
Safe to eat.
- Tina, are you spying on us? - No! Sorry.
I was just walking along, um, and I didn't mean to see you switching your boat for one that looks exactly like it but has a motor on it and Wait a minute, you're cheating.
Why am I apologizing to you? Patty, what do we do? Should we kill her? - What? No! - No.
Listen, guys, Tina caught us.
Guess you're gonna have to go tell Karen.
Yeah, I am.
- You are.
- And don't try to stop Oh, we won't.
Okay.
This isn't going how I expected.
Should we exchange phone numbers or hug it out or ? - No.
Yuck.
- Right, right, right.
(panting) Whoo.
Okay, everyone, let's head back to the lake.
Karen! I have to tell you something.
Was my underwear showing when I was climbing down the tree? I wore my Thursdays 'cause my Saturdays had a case of the Mondays, if you know what I mean.
(chuckles) No, I-I don't know what you mean, but, listen, Patty has two boats.
One is the boat you inspected and the other boat looks exactly the same, but has a motor attached, and she's gonna race with the motorboat.
Oh, my God, that is terrible.
- I know, right? - Oh, they are big trouble.
But let's wait until after the race to punish them.
Yeah.
Wait, what? Yeah.
Uh, Julianne isn't here yet.
She's running late, and Julianne would love to see them punished, so, uh (chuckles) let's wait, okay? - Um - Now, if you'll excuse me, I scraped both my nipples on the way down the tree and I'm gonna go put some lip balm on them in my car.
Okay, be careful.
That stuff's addictive.
Look who's getting a little tour of all the rooms in the firehouse.
Pretty neat, huh? Mother, please, we really should leave.
I mean, we're old enough to be these kids' parents.
This is the kitchen.
Joey's making ribs.
Interested.
Keep talking.
And over here is our screening room.
(gasps) Are they watching The Marvelous Mrs.
Maisel while they wait for ribs? Is this heaven? - Oh, hey, Captain.
- Ooh, look kids, it's the captain of the fire station.
He's in charge.
- Yes, hi.
Captain Davis.
- Sir, yes, sir! I'm not that kind of captain.
(sighs) So sorry about her.
And you're paddling and you're paddling and you're Guys, I have to tell you something.
Oh, hey, Tina.
Sorry your boat fell apart.
Troop 257 has another boat that looks exactly like Patty's and has a motor and Karen doesn't seem to care and - you're not listening.
- What? Sorry, Tina.
(grunting) I'm practicing my paddling.
You got this, Harley.
But 257 is gonna cheat.
Are you sure, Tina? Seems like they're better now.
(grunting) Uh-oh! There's a duck who wants a ride.
-What're you gonna do? -Uh, uh, I get him on real quick, - but I don't break my stride.
- That's my girl.
Tina, are you maybe a little jealous because your boat fell apart? What? No! You guys We saw the way you yelled at your dad about your boat.
That was rough.
- Yeah.
- (sighs) Forget it.
Harley, there's a goose.
He hates ducks.
What do you do? Go for the neck! (grunting) Keep my stride! So you don't think these socks are too high? No, I-I think they're great.
Uh, Dad? Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Uh, are you, are you gonna yell at me again? No, I, no, I just need to talk to you about something that's important.
Your daughter wants to talk to you? Way to go, man.
And Karen doesn't seem to care, and I tried to tell my troop and they thought I was being jealous.
Huh.
What you're saying kind of makes sense.
- It does? - Yeah.
I mean, didn't Karen say that she was trying to prove she was firm or something? Yeah.
I mean, she says a lot a lot of things.
Like, so many things.
Well, what if Karen didn't want to punish Troop 257 until Julianne got here hat Karen could look firm in front of Julianne to get that promotion? And what if she didn't care about the cheating because she knew it was gonna happen the whole time because she's working with Troop 257.
Oh, my God! You think? (sighs) I mean, it sounds crazy.
Troop 257 is crazy.
That's their thing.
- So what do we do? - Hm I-I don't know.
Um, somehow magically switch the boats back without getting caught and ruin their plan? - Yes! - Oh.
I mean, I don't know how we'd even do that.
It seems really hard.
Dad, Karen is working with Troop 257 and no one is stopping them.
Switching their boats back is our only hope.
Please? Okay, let's do it.
- Dad? - Yeah? I'm really sorry I yelled at you and called you crappy tape hands.
It's all right, Tina.
When did you call me crappy tape hands? In my head I did, and I said you probably failed out of tape school.
- Oh, that's harsh.
- I know.
Okay, now let's do one with your hands over your ears - like the siren's too loud.
- KIDS: No.
Come on, you guys used to love sitting in the truck.
Remember? Ma'am, maybe it's time to give someone else a turn in the truck.
I mean, you've been here for a while.
All right.
Maybe we can go upstairs and help the fellas serve the ribs? Eh, the guys don't want you back upstairs till they're done with Mrs.
Maisel.
You kind of spoiled some of it for them.
No, no, I-I was just saying I thought that thing at the end - was gonna be - Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no! D-Don't say anything.
I haven't seen it yet.
Aw, look at that big happy smile.
Maybe I can photo-paste it onto Louise and Gene.
- Here, look at me, look at me.
- (phone camera clicks) Ugh.
Is mom wishing we were little kids again or something? Oh, yeah.
I've seen this a lot with parents Classic case of wanting to turn back time.
Ah.
So what do we do? The longer she stays, the worse she'll get.
- You-you got to take her home.
- We've tried.
Can we, like, call in a fire or something? Then she'd have to leave.
No, we can't fake an emergency.
- Damn it.
- (groans) But we could turn on the lights and pull out of the driveway and do a loop or two, and if you happen to tell your mom that we had an emergency call, that's your business.
- Genius.
- We are on it, Chief.
- I'm a captain, not a chief.
- Don't sell yourself short.
You think our plan is going to work? Maybe.
I mean, honestly, I'd be surprised.
But let's just hope for the best.
- DADS: Hey! - Hm? PATTY'S DAD: Everyone come see us! - Who's that? - That sounds like my dad.
Mine, too.
- Ready? - Ready.
(panting) I can't believe you convinced all those dads to climb the tree to get their daughters' attention.
Yeah.
I mean, I-I kind of just copied Rena's plan.
Plus, they are pretty desperate.
PATTY'S DAD: Hi, honey! Isn't this cool? What are you guys doing up there? Check this out.
Oh, God.
Look, there's Patty's not-motor boat.
Um, what's going on? -Bethany? What are you doing here? -Oh, boy.
Peeing in the woods, or on the woods, depending on how you look at it.
What are you two doing with Patty's boat? BOTH: Uh We were just checking to see if this boat was poisonous.
Nope.
(chuckles) Wait, hold on.
You're switching back Patty's cheater boat that has a motor on it for her legal boat that's hidden in the woods? Sort of.
I mean, yeah.
That's exactly what we're doing.
'Cause you think Karen is in on their plan to cheat so that she can look tough busting 257 - in front of Julianne and get promoted? - Yes.
- I'm gonna help you.
- What? - Huh? Listen, if the girls and Karen are in cahoots, that's not good If Karen gets the regional leader job, she can decide which troops get which cookie routes.
She'll give 257 all the best routes.
But wouldn't you like that? I mean, you're their troop leader.
I am, but it's always about cookies with those girls.
What about songs? What about basket weaving? What about tie-dye? Ugh! There's so much more to life.
What I don't get is why Karen is okay with them cheating.
I mean, I know she really wants to be regional leader, but that's so wrong.
(gasps) Because they have something on her.
I overheard some of the girls say that, last year, at the cookie pickup, they got Karen talking and she told them she kept a lost pug instead of returning it to its owner.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
She even cut off its collar and dyed him blond.
That sounds cute, but messed up.
The race is starting soon.
We got to move if we're gonna stop 'em.
Let's boat block those B's.
Okay, kids, I'm gonna pretend I'm a fire and you put me out, okay? - (babbling) - (bell ringing) DISPATCH (over P.
A.
): Flames reported on the corner of Elm Lane.
Calling all vehicles in the area.
Wow.
I had my doubts this would work, but you guys are really selling it.
This is an actual emergency.
You need to leave immediately.
It's us.
You don't have to pretend with us.
I'm not pretending.
(laughs) Oh, my God, you're an incredible actor.
You should get an agent and an entertainment lawyer.
This isn't an act! (sirens wailing) - Whoo! - Yeah! Should we wait till they come back? KIDS: No! Tina, how's Tad feeling? I think it's actually gonna hold.
Thanks, by the way.
Of course.
Okay, girls.
Julianne, do you want to do the honors? Sorry it smells like onions.
I had an everything bagel and a whole onion.
(sniffs) Oh, it does.
Ready, - set, go! - (girls grunting) - What's happening? - The motor's not working.
Just paddle and-and get to the end.
You can still get in trouble for having a motor even if you didn't use it.
Just try to win.
How's it going, Patty.
Boat troubles? Oh, beat it, Thunder-dork.
BOB: Oh, my God, they're neck and neck.
Go, Tina! - I came in second! - You came in second! What the ? - Congratulations, young lady.
- A-ha! Caught red-handed.
Motors are not allowed Wait, what? It, uh It's here.
It, uh (chuckles) It must be.
Well, it's not, Karen.
Let's just assume there's a motor somewhere here on this boat, and, uh, Patty, you're busted.
I'm firm.
The end.
Um, Karen, what are you talking about? Someone's getting a promotion.
That's what I'm talking about.
Right? (chuckles) Whatever is happening right now is kind of making me - strongly consider other candidates.
- That makes sense.
And you should know you have two greasy spots on your uniform.
It's lip balm.
Patty, congratulations for winning and not cheating.
You switched my boat back, didn't you? Yeah, I did.
We did.
Checkmate, Patty-cake.
- Hm, good one.
- Thanks, Dad.
Did you win a trophy, honey? - Yeah, you want it? - You want me to have it? Yeah, sure, whatever.
Let's get out of here.
- Can I give you a hug? - No! - I got to hug someone.
- Oh.
Um, okay.
- I'm so proud of you, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry I dragged you to the fire station open house.
It wasn't all bad.
I liked when they kicked us out.
I guess I was just missing the old days, but you're right, you outgrew it.
Aw! You guys are holding my hands.
- Oh.
Whoops, sorry.
- No, no, I like it! I like it! Ow! Mom, you're hurting me.
Oh, it feels so good to squeeze you! - BOB: Hey, guys.
- You're back.
How was it? (singsongy): Guess who won second place? It was me and Dad.
Wow! Go Team Tad! All right! Why are you guys wearing fire hats? We went to the fire station open house.
Jealous? - Have you been gone all morning? - Yeah.
So, no one's been working at the restaurant.
- Nope.
- Great.
I guess we don't need money today.
Hey, you want to get in on this? Tina, take Louise's hand.
- Bob, you grab Gene's.
- One of them had a booger on it, the other did not.
Just kidding! They both had boogers on them.
- Ugh, Gene.
- Yay! Family hand-holding! Yessa! ("Hot Hot Hot" by Buster Poindexter playing) LINDA: And a-rum bum bum And a-bum bum bum Yes, girls Me mind on fire, me soul on fire Feeling hot, hot, hot Who's hot? Party people all around me Feeling hot, hot, hot What to do.