Bob's Burgers s12e17 Episode Script

The Spider House Rules

1 - Ow.
- Ow.
Ow I never thought Andy would beat me in the "leaping off the bus stop bench" game, but that was one hell of a leap.
I don't know about the "leaping off the bus stop bench" game.
Andy almost broke his leg.
I didn't say he stuck the landing.
Wait, Ollie, you didn't skin your knee.
He hit my leg with a rock so I could feel what he feels.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, hello, free mirror that someone carelessly left on the curb for children to find.
Okay, how are we smashing this? Anyone got a bowling ball, or Maybe we could just use it to make sure we're not vampires? And we're not.
Maybe we could point the mirror up and signal an airplane? And then maybe we could become friends with an airplane.
What? No.
Come on, it's a mirror made of glass.
And glass breaks! I think Andy's had enough excitement for one day.
I need time to recuperate and center myself.
And pee.
Also, there's the whole "seven years bad luck" thing.
Seven years? That's the amount of time - Brad Pitt spent in Tibet.
- Louise, why do you always want to do the most dangerous things all the time? Whoa, whoa.
Smashing a mirror is not dangerous.
It's called fun.
No? Just me? I mean, I think it's great that you love doing scary stuff that makes me shut my eyes and think - "when will this be over?" - Fine.
This doesn't even look like a good smashing mirror anyway, so I'm just gonna leave it for the next perfectly normal kid who wants to smash it.
We'll figure out another way to be friends with an airplane.
I'll take a beer.
Louise, no.
We-we don't give her beer.
What's wrong, sweetie? You have a rough day? Is it school? Did you think something had one answer but then it had a different answer and you were like, "What the heck?" I'm fine.
We just, you know, found a perfectly good mirror to smash on the way home and everybody made me feel weird about it.
Ooh, I love smashing a good mirror.
- Lin.
- Right.
Playing with glass isn't a good idea.
You could get cut.
Yeah, you could get cut.
I thought that was part of the fun.
It's just, your fun sometimes involves things that terrify me? What's your point? Look, if I'm too cool and exciting for people, then forget 'em.
They can just be boring and do their boring stuff.
Louise, don't smash mirrors.
Because they don't deserve that.
I mean, they taunt you every day, don't they? They really do.
Louise, I guess smashing glass can be a little off-putting to some people, maybe.
But don't give up on those people.
I mean, you don't want to end up like your father.
Without, you know, any friends.
- What? I have friends.
- No.
Dad has friends.
Teddy I shouldn't have made that sound like I was gonna have a list.
People come visit Dad in the restaurant every day.
Right, sir? - Um - Ignore them.
Okay, first of all, why is this about me now? And second of all, I have friends that aren't paying customers.
I just, you know, lost touch with a bunch of them.
Back when I was a teenager.
Is it because there were no telephones back then? I'm gonna go in the kitchen.
Where everyone's nice to me.
I mean, the dishwasher doesn't like you.
I know.
Dumb super smashable mirror.
I don't know why people got so dumb about it.
Hey there, spider.
You're in my room.
On my loft bed.
But you know what? You're kind of unconventionally cute.
You would tell me if you were super venomous, right? Yeah, you look like you would.
I like that about you.
See? Look at all the friends I have in here.
Who's Jack? Probably a really good friend.
Oh, I know who this is.
He dinged our car - and never called me back.
- Aw, Jack.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
I have to have friends I see that aren't Teddy and the people that buy food from us.
Oh, hey, Cliff.
Who's Cliff? I don't know Cliff.
It's a good name, though.
Hey, I'm going out with Cliff.
Back in a jiff.
I met him at a back-to-school night.
He was trying to organize a basketball thing for the kids, so we exchanged numbers.
I didn't have the heart to tell him our kids don't do stuff.
Hey, Cliff, don't fall off yourself.
You can use that.
He seemed like a person that I could do activities with.
- Is that what people say? - Maybe don't open with that.
Should I text him? Is it too late? It's never too late for Cliff.
Okay, I'll do it.
Wait, no, it's too late.
Oh, God, I just texted him the letter I.
- What do I do? - Okay, gimme the phone.
Hey, Spider, you're still here.
And you built a web? Impressive.
Borderline showing off, but I like it.
Hey, I was thinking, if we're gonna be roommates, I should probably give you a name.
How do you feel about Winona Spider? Wait Arachnaphoebe.
Phoebe for short.
You don't really get excited about things, do you? That's all right.
I know it's a great name.
Morning, sweetie.
I need to get your dirty laundry for the wash.
I don't know about you, but I'm about to start wearing my bathing suit bottoms for underwear.
Ooh! Uh, okay.
Uh, spider.
We got a spider, people.
Mom, no, it's okay.
Th-This is Phoebe.
Phoebe, this is my mom.
I know this is a little early to be in the meeting-the-parents phase, but here we are.
Did you say spider? Here, Linda, I brought a paper towel.
Dad, are you making Mom kill a bug for you again? I'm not making her.
We just have our roles.
I bring a paper towel, and your mom does everything else.
He doesn't like to get his hands dirty.
Like a mob boss.
Hey, the spider's with me.
We're friends.
It has a name.
Phoebe for short.
But never Pheebs.
She hates that.
Now, can you holster the paper towel, please? Louise, we don't have anything against Phoebe.
I'm sure she's great, but she's a spider and they belong outside.
Not in our home.
Where we live.
Yeah, and if they come inside our home or restaurant, then we kill them.
That's the contract that we all agreed to.
Mostly us, not the bugs.
What about relocation? - I hear outside is nice.
- Yeah, okay.
Uh, Louise, you want to tell her she doesn't have to go home but she can't stay here? Go get a cup.
A bottle of wine would be a nice send-off gesture.
She's fine right here, people.
You're the ones who came in here uninvited.
I'm not trapping you under a cup.
Sorry, kid.
It's either outside or one-way ticket to paper towel town.
Your choice.
And then I need everyone's laundry.
Also, everyone feel free to learn how to do laundry.
Okay, Phoebe.
Pack your stuff.
You're too good for this place anyway.
And maybe she could tell other spiders not to come here? - In-in a nice way.
- No.
Oh, it's Cliff.
He-he texted me back.
Cliff? That big red dog? - He has your number? - That's the guy your dad's - trying to be friends with.
- I mean, we're already friends.
Kind of.
I was gonna ask him if he wants to hang out.
Wait, you're asking a guy out? To prom? Dad prom? What's the theme this year khakis? It's not dad prom.
It's casual, and also, I'm getting pretty good at texting.
I just make sure your mother looks at all of them first.
Mom, you want to run them by me? And then Tina can run them by me and then I'll run them up through corporate.
Okay, Phoebe.
Out into the world you go to seek your fortune.
Try to avoid the cars and all the bikes and people's feet.
God, do people always walk so hard? Okay, you know, let's go look in other neighborhoods.
I mean, yes, it's our stinky dumpster, but at least you won't get trampled.
Spiders can't die of smell, can they? I mean, if so, I'm sure our house would have killed you already.
All right.
So long, Phoebe.
And hey, don't let anybody tell you spiders are bad.
I think you're delightful.
Well, I'll let you get going.
Go on, Phoebe.
You got to find cover, pal.
You can't just hang out there, a bird could get you.
Or I don't know what eats spiders.
A spider monkey? Don't look at me like that.
What? What do you want me to do? Okay.
New plan.
We're gonna sneak back into the house.
And no one needs to know, because this is just a me-and-you thing.
We're gonna stick together.
It's funny because you're a spider and you make the sticky stuff.
Look, Phoebe, if we're gonna be friends, you're gonna have to start laughing at my jokes.
Okay, Phoebe.
I know it's not what you're used to, being stuck in a box, but I need to keep this living arrangement under wraps because of the whole "spiders aren't supposed to be in the house" thing.
Also, I hope the twigs are to your liking.
I picked out the ones that looked the best for climbing or just casual lounging.
Are you hungry? You look hungry.
I'll get you something to eat.
But what do you eat? Do you like chips? Everyone likes chips.
Fine, I'll look it up.
Don't yell at me.
Okay, a little secret online spider research while everyone's down in the restaurant.
"House spiders, like many spiders, prefer live prey"? Okay.
No judgment.
I'll just look for the prey that have it coming.
Would you guys want to go to my menu-wiping seminar called "It's Men-You, Not Men-Me"? - Oh.
- No.
Okay, uh, taking out the trash.
Totally normal part of my job.
Someone's on the ball today.
Kinda jealous I didn't get to do it first.
Louise, hold on a sec.
That bag's half empty.
Some people might think that, Mom.
But I'm an optimist.
So, to me, it's half full.
Of dreams and rotten food.
And we don't want it to attract bugs, do we? Okay, anyways, don't wait up.
All right.
It's Cliff.
He said he'd love to hang out sometime.
Ooh, he likes you.
Did you tell him the Cliff joke I told you? Tell him you're busy.
Then say, "I'll check my schedule and try to make it work.
No promises, though.
" Or tell him you're gonna pick him up on your motorcycle in five, then get your ass a motorcycle! Look at you, middle-aged buddies.
You two gonna talk about documentaries and how many times you get up at night to pee? Oh.
Cliff just added me to a group chat with some other dads from school that hang out together sometimes.
Wow, he moves fast.
Two of the guys just welcomed me to the chat.
Hi, guys.
Someone's the belle of the ball.
One of them just wrote, "Just a bunch of dads to the bone.
" I'm gonna write something funny back.
Um, Dad Boys II.
Like the movie? Oh, God, can I delete? Oh, no, wait, one of them laughed.
Oh, thank God.
Whoa, someone's getting some texts.
Dad's in a group chat with Cliff and some other cute boys.
I mean, they may be cute, we don't know.
And they're men.
Bob's on a group chat with people? Like, friend people? That's great.
That's nice, that's great.
Bob's trying to make a friend that's not a customer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Customers can be friends.
Best friends.
But hey, you want me to stop coming in here to eat? Is that what you want? I'll stop.
If that's what it takes for our friendship.
Just make me, like, 200 burgers and I'll never step in here again.
Unless it's in disguise.
It's okay, Teddy.
We're-we're friends.
Huh, what's taking Louise so long with the trash? Tina, Gene, you want to check on your sister? Okay.
Hopefully, she didn't accidentally fall in the dumpster while throwing the trash out, which has never, ever happened to me.
Maybe switch it to vibrate, Bob? Just kinda rubbing it in, eh? Ugh.
Come on, flies.
Let me catch you.
I'm totally not gonna feed you to my spider.
- Louise, what are you doing? - Oh! Nothing.
Just, uh, throwing out the trash.
And, uh, trying to catch flies and put them in this Tupperware thing, because that's always been a hobby of mine.
Okay, listen.
I didn't let Phoebe go.
I hid her in a shoebox in my room and now I got to feed her since she can't catch her own food.
Who rescued who, am I right? Yeah, so, uh, if you help me catch some bugs, I'll let you watch me feed her.
'Cause she eats live bugs.
I mean, she doesn't eat live bugs.
She does.
Come on, if you guys had a secret spider, I'd help you feed it.
Didn't we always promise each other that? I thought it was a secret alien robot agreement.
I guess that was very specific to The Iron Giant.
I guess I'll help.
Me too.
Flies usually land on me, eventually.
Hey, Phoebe.
How's it hanging? You know, like hanging from your web? Little spider humor.
So, Gene and Tina are here.
- Hi.
- Hello there.
We caught you some flies for dinner.
- Tina, want to do the honors? - Uh, not really? Also, I don't know how we're gonna get them out of the container without them flying away.
Tell them they won a free night in a fancy shoebox resort.
But they have to listen to a presentation about a time-share.
I think we just shake the container and dump them in.
I'll do it.
Shake, shake, shake.
And bon appétit.
Oh, it looks like she's wrapping it in a little blanket to keep it warm.
And, oh, she's giving it a kiss.
Does this make us accomplices to murder? Now I'll never be able to run for Congress! You've been getting so many text messages your little phone's gonna be sore.
I feel like this is more than I talk to, like, you guys.
But I don't want to go silent, right? I'm just gonna say "ha-ha" and hope that works.
Teddy's texting me.
He won't be in tomorrow for lunch because he bought a bunch of sandwich stuff and he's gonna "try this making sandwiches thing.
" He's not gonna get it right away, but tell him to stick with it.
Cliff just invited me to hang out with them tonight.
That's short notice, but I think I can get you ready.
Okay, there's the dryer.
Laundry's done.
Everyone's gets getting clean sheets tonight.
Won't that be weird? Louise, I'm gonna start in your room and you get to help because of your wonderful loft bed.
That makes changing sheets so easy.
No, no, no, no, no, don't go in there.
Uh I can do it.
I want to do it.
I should learn, in case you and Dad die.
Which you will, I assume, one day.
Never! We'll get them to start taking echinacea and they'll live forever.
Okay, yup No, that's not working.
What about Nah.
I'm not doing this.
It'll be fine.
Who needs sheets? Okay, goodnight, Phoebe Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Where'd she go? Where'd she go, where'd she go? - Uh-oh.
Phoebe's missing? - Smart money says the flies did it.
Ugh, Phoebe.
Why didn't you stay in the box? You mean the shoebox you trapped a wild spider in? - Yeah, I don't know.
- What's Phoebe's problem? That's one of the top three boxes we have.
Okay, she has a belly full of flies, so she can't be moving too fast.
Hopefully she hasn't made it to the living room, 'cause Mom and Dad are in there watching that show about England.
I think it's called Queen Time.
Yeah, seems like Dad's stalling.
He's nervous about his dad date.
Of course he's nervous.
It's Cliff.
Okay, she's not in here.
Fan out.
Gene, you go that way.
Tina, you go that way.
I'll go this way.
Watch your step.
And if you see her, let's have a signal.
Say "along came a hmm-hmm.
" Ding-dong? Oh, right.
So, are you, uh, going out tonight or what? Or no? Yeah.
I'll-I'll probably go.
They're-they're out, at a place, so they're already there.
I can just show up late, you know? Or-or really late.
Yeah, I'm just gearing up to, you know, put shoes on and then I'll pick an outfit.
It's part of my process.
Of hanging out.
With-with friends.
Yeah, sounds like you do it a lot.
And I think it's fine you didn't shower.
What? Oh.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
They're dads.
They probably smell, too.
Maybe it'll be a nice icebreaker.
- This one smells really bad.
- This one's okay.
Maybe I can just angle my body this way all night? - You can start that now.
- Mm.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm used to it.
I just try not to breathe so much.
So, we didn't find her.
That means she's either in the living room or in Mom and Dad's room.
You guys got to get Mom and Dad out of there so I can look for her.
Tina, you take Mom.
Gene, you take Dad.
Get 'em into your rooms and keep 'em there.
Uh, okay.
I can do that.
No problem.
I'll just tell Mom we're looking for a spider? No, no.
Don't tell her that.
Tell her anything but that.
Right, right.
I'll tell Dad I want to have "the talk" with him.
The talk about my ingrown toenail and just toe health in general.
Wow, you agreed to come in here and talk to me really fast.
Well, it's not because I don't want to go out with the other dads, because I definitely do.
Okay, good to know.
So, w-what did you want to talk about? Um, how do you feel about ingrown toenails? I mean, I have them.
Okay, follow-up question: what should we talk about next? Uh, I guess I've put this off long enough.
They're waiting for me at the bar.
You sound really into it.
I'm excited to grow up.
- I better go get dressed.
- In your room? No! Uh, I mean, you want to borrow something of mine? What kind of look are you going for Bahama Tommy or rhinestone cowboy? Oh.
I-I wasn't thinking about a look.
I was just gonna put on shoes and maybe change my shirt.
Your mother said things that make me think I should change.
No! Don't change your shirt.
Let me smell.
Ooh, that's bold.
It's like your sweat started sweating.
Ugh, no spider.
All right.
Mom and Dad's room.
Maybe Phoebe likes middle-aged bras and dandruff all over the place.
So I'm happy we moved over here to talk about stuff.
Leaning against the bookshelf was a weird idea, but it was good we tried.
Yeah, I like to try things.
So, uh, how, uh, was your day? Eh, it was good.
Although I did have a sneeze where I farted a little, and I think a customer heard.
Wow, let's talk about that.
What happened next? Tina, honey, didn't you have something you wanted to talk about? No, this seems much more important now.
So, uh, you talk.
Well, I farted.
And I-I tried to cover it up with a cough, - but that made me fart again.
- Then what did you do? I looked over to see if she was looking at me, and-and she was.
- Didn't see that coming.
- Keep-keep going.
So, I grabbed the trash can and I started dragging it around on the floor so it'd make a fart sound, so she'd think it was the trash can and not me.
But it wouldn't make the right sound, so I had to fart again and then blame it on the trash can.
That's so smart.
Okay, enough about me.
Your turn.
I don't even know if I can follow that.
Um, should we take a few more minutes to unpack your story? So, there you were, farting and dragging a trash can around Ugh, I give up.
Wherever you are Phoebe, I hope there are plenty of bugs for you to murder.
No way.
Phoebe! I found you! Wait, Phoebe? - Phoebe the spider? - Oh, hi, Dad.
No, Phoebe from Friends.
I see her everywhere.
Okay, fine.
I kind of didn't take her outside and she's been living in my room in a box.
Until now.
Now she's living in your bed.
- Oh, my God.
- What? What's going on? Louise's spider is living in our headboard.
Who, Phoebe? - Louise, Mom is here.
- Hi, Mom.
Dad, why won't you let me brush your back? The other dads will love it.
Any chance you guys enjoy sleeping with spiders over your head? No? Okay.
Phoebe, Charlotte's Web time.
Spell something fun.
"Terrific parents.
" Go.
Give her a second.
Louise, why didn't you take Phoebe outside yesterday? I tried, but it wasn't safe out there.
I couldn't do it.
The world's too dangerous for a fresh-faced kid like Phoebe.
She's not ready for the bright lights.
She will be.
One day.
Louise, sweetie, we're gonna have to get the spider out of there somehow.
It might be nice or it might not be nice, but we got to do it.
I'm sorry, baby.
No, no, no, no.
It's okay.
I'll-I'll do it.
I-I got it.
It's fine.
I'll get her out of there.
And I'll take her back to her box, and we'll all be happy and we'll eat live flies Some of us and we'll be this cool blended family that everybody's jealous of.
Come on, Phoebe.
Ugh! I can't get her.
Oh, we're gonna get her.
Because I sleep right under there, Louise.
And I know you like her, but I don't like her as much as you do.
And I don't want her to crawl on my face or go into my mouth.
Or ears, nose, throat All the openings.
- That's not all of them.
- Gene.
Okay, uh, what if you guys just sleep in my room with me and this is Phoebe's room now? I'd be open to roommates.
We could split the utilities.
I'm sorry, sweetie, that's not gonna work.
It's not fair.
Everyone thinks Phoebe is this scary spider.
And, yeah, maybe she's a little dangerous, but not much.
She's just trying to live her life.
But that doesn't make her weird or bad.
Does it? I mean, does it? Are we still talking about Phoebe? - I can't tell.
- Louise, are we possibly talking about you now? What? I don't know.
Oh, honey.
Come here.
Come on.
You know all that so-called dangerous stuff? That's a part of who you are.
But don't let anyone make you feel like it's all you are.
You're also thoughtful and kind and imaginative.
Part of the big, crazy mix that - makes Louise Louise.
- Your mom's right.
You are a little bit of a risk taker, maybe, compared to some, but it's one of the things that makes you interesting.
And it's not like it's hurting anyone.
I mean, you know, every once in a while, but probably not on purpose.
That much.
But, Louise, you're adventurous, and in another time, you might have been a-a, uh, a pirate.
Uh, a nice pirate.
Or a fun bootlegger.
Ooh, bootlegger.
Anyway, we're all glad you are who you are.
Well, that's Thanks, guys.
I like the pirate part.
That was a nice touch.
So, what should we do about Phoebe? Please let this work.
Please let this work.
- Please let this work.
- Got her! - Oh! - Oh, thank God.
- Yay! Aw, Bob.
It's late.
Are your dad friends still waiting for you? Eh, it's fine.
I'd rather be doing this.
Honestly, you guys are the only people I really like to hang out with.
Don't tell Teddy I said that.
So, we're your only friends.
Which is not sad at all.
But, like, who's your best friend? Don't say Mom.
You're all equal.
But Phoebe the least.
But just because I don't know her that well.
Okay, Phoebe and I are going to bed.
- We'll see you all upon the morrow.
- Louise.
Not that your box isn't really nice with all the twigs and stuff, but I don't think Phoebe likes it in there.
She did escape.
We've been through this.
I'm not taking her outside.
She's a house spider.
I looked it up.
They gave themselves that name for a reason.
I-I think I know a place where she'll be happy.
This is a great idea.
She's gonna eat so many flies for you, Dad.
I'm really, really glad that we'll be working together.
She's not family, so you might have to pay her.
And I'm kind of taking care of her finances while she gets on her feet.
So, you can pay me.
Yeah sure, okay, we'll talk about that.
Oh, it's Teddy.
He says, "I'm sorry.
The sandwich was a disaster.
" There was blood everywhere.
It's okay now, but, uh, I'm gonna come into the restaurant tomorrow.
It's just easier to hang out at the restaurant because that's where you work.
And it's where I eat.
I know it's late but, I-I need you to text me back.
And send.
"Sounds good.
" Yes! We're back, baby! Ow.
Oh, boy, that's bleeding again.
Me and my spider, I'm stronger beside her Just can't deny that we're two of a kind The world doesn't get us, it tries to correct us But that's okay because we'll leave it behind You've caught me in your web And there's no word that can describe The feeling when I look in all your eyes Little Phoebe I want to spend my life catching your flies.

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