Bojack Horseman (2014) s04e05 Episode Script

Thoughts and Prayers

1 Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Sorry to interrupt your lunch, but there was another mass shooting.
Oh, God, where? A town outside Tampa called Not geographically, dipshit.
What's the location? What is it, a pharmacy? A haberdashery? - It was a shopping mall.
- No! - Ms.
Taken is coming out next month.
- I know, sir.
The whole third act revolves around Courtney Portnoy shooting people in a mall.
What are we supposed to do now, not release the movie? I hope it doesn't come to that.
I am sick and tired of real-life gun violence getting in the way of us telling stories that glamorize gun violence.
Why does this keep happening? Has the whole world gone crazy? No, we've just been conditioned by a rugged individualist culture woven into the savage architecture of our country itself, birthed as it was through violent uprising, but perhaps popularized in the modern imagination by stories of Okay, Chomsky, when I want you to talk, I'll staple a string to your back and then yank it.
Why not make yourself useful and schedule a sit-down with Courtney Portnoy's team to talk about how we distance ourselves from this fakakte mishegoss.
Got it.
Except for the foccacia Michigan part.
Excuse me, could you point me in the direction of an H&M? Sure.
But when you get there, you're gonna be DOA.
Uh-uh.
You picked the wrong shopaholic to mess with.
Because this shopaholic's also a holic for revenge.
- [GUNFIRE] - Die, scum! [LAUGHING] Courtney Portnoy-vey.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] - Wow.
Carla Mercedes Benzbrown.
- Yep.
- My mother.
- That's right.
[CLEARS THROAT] - I lied! - What? There's no Carla Mercedes Benzbrown.
- I have no idea who your mother is.
- What? I don't want to have a relationship lying to each other.
Okay, so why did you lie to me? I meant everything else I said.
I'll do everything I can to help find your mom.
To be honest, moms aren't all that great.
In fact, in my experience, they're soulless succubi born fully formed from the ass of Satan.
Oh, my grandmother sounds like quite a character.
- Can I meet her? - Oh, my mom? No, you cannot meet my mom because she's dead.
- Oh.
- Dead mom.
BoJack, what happened to the fudgesicles I bought? - I lied again.
My mom's not dead.
- Stop lying to me! That was, like, 15 minutes of lie.
Plus, you don't want to meet my mom.
I do.
Where does she live? Oh, this spectacular elder care facility, she has her own private room with a nice view, 'round-the-clock medical care, and plenty of other seniors to say casually cruel things to under a passive-aggressive veil of plausible deniability.
What's this place called? I want to say Whispering Pines.
Whistling Pines? Unbelievable.
Something with a W.
Winter's Bone? - Take me there.
- [GROANS] Fine! - For real this time? - Yes.
I promise.
I am not gonna lie to you ever again.
- Did you eat the last fudgesicle? - No.
I lied.
I lied about the fudgesicle.
[GUN COCKS] All this time you thought I was just another damsel in distress, - but I'm afraid you were mis guided.
- [GUN COCKS] - [GUNFIRE] - [SCREAMING] Oh oh.
- [GROANS] That is not good.
- Okay.
Everybody set a Google Alert for "mass shooting.
" Can't keep getting caught off guard.
This is so sad.
You always hear about mass shootings affecting other people's movie openings, but you never think they're gonna affect your movie opening.
[SOBS] My thoughts and prayers to the victims and their families.
- Of course.
Yeah, thoughts and prayers.
- Thoughts and prayers.
Tragedy like this really puts things in perspective.
Like, what are we doing sitting in a conference room? Life is short.
We should have this meeting at a water park.
Whoa! A water park where people have meetings.
- Maybe that's the movie.
- I'm sorry, who is this schmuck? I'm Courtney's asexual fake fiancé.
He's a common person/supermodel, being engaged to him makes me appear more approachable/glamorous.
Okay-slash-whatever.
We still have time to cut the mall shootout from the film.
That still leaves the movie theater shootout, the shootout at the county fair, the [VIBRATIONS AND BUZZING] We should probably lose the movie theater shootout.
Right.
Well, we still have the county fair shootout.
- [VIBRATIONS AND BUZZING] - Oh, dear.
- This is a sad day.
- What? I gotta take this.
- BoJack? - Hi.
- Where have you been? - Listen.
I'm sorry.
I was an awful boyfriend to you.
I was an awful client, and I was an awful friend.
This last year I spent some time away and it made me realize how special the people in my life are.
And you might be the most special of them all.
Wow, BoJack.
[CHUCKLES] I I appreciate that.
Anyway, the real reason I'm calling is, do you remember the name of that super nice elder care facility that we both agreed was the best place for my mom to run out the clock? Oh, pluck a duck.
It's called Walnut Springs.
Walnut Springs! I knew there was a W in there.
Bye! - [SIGHS] - [RINGING] What? I feel like I didn't strike the right tone in the last phone call.
I really am sorry, and the most important thing is, you know how dedicated I am to making things right again.
Okay.
Thank you.
Anyway, the real reason I'm calling is, turns out there's a few Walnut Springses in the SoCal area.
It's the one in Santa Barbara, dummy! - Yeesh! Cranky much? Who died? - A lotta people! - [PANTING] - Sorry, what did I miss? Courtney's beloved was outlining his plan to curtail gun violence.
I'm just saying, if people have the right pumped-up kicks, maybe they can outrun the bullets.
All this talk of gun violence is depressing.
Ms.
Taken is a movie about empowerment.
That's what I've been saying! It's Bridget Jones with slightly more bloody murdering.
We just have to keep the story on Courtney, and not on the depressingly unstoppable rise of real-life gun violence in this country, thoughts and prayers.
- Thoughts and prayers.
- Thoughts and prayers.
- [ALL THINGS CONSIDERED THEME PLAYING] - Oh.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING] [ROBERT SIEGEL] The House Majority Whip outlined a new bipartisan plan to encourage you to answer your ringing phone.
[AUDIE CORNISH] For Thursday, October 12, this is All Rings Considered.
- I'm Robert Siegel.
- And I'm Audie Cornish.
The proposed bill would take effect when someone tries to call you - and you hear this ringtone.
- [VIBRATING] - Hello? - Diane! I got an exclusive for you.
You are going to write a glowing feature about my client and her new movie.
- Why would I - You know Courtney Portnoy.
You probably recall when she soared as the thorny horticulturist in One Sordid Fortnight With the Short-Skirted Sorceress.
- Uh - How would you enjoy joining Portnoy for a scorched soy porterhouse pork four-courser at Koi? - Wait, what? - Glorify your source, but don't make it feel forced, of course, and try the borscht.
Smooches! - Hey - And that's how you do it, folks.
Oh [GASPS] You're telling me you didn't feel one twinge of guilt when you left your mom in this place? Uh twinge of guilt, twinge of guilt, trying to remember, no.
- Definitely not.
- Damn.
You didn't know my mom.
Football? You don't have the haunches for it.
You'll only embarrass yourself, as in every other endeavor you pursue.
But, Mom If you're looking to get knocked around for an afternoon, why don't you just read one of your father's manuscripts and tell him his prose is pedestrian and derivative? Works for me every time.
[INHALES AND PUFFS] Mrs.
Horseman, you have a visitor.
Oh, uh - Hi, Mom.
- Do I know you? Here we go.
Yes, Mom, I never visit.
You got me.
- Henrietta? - Okay, we're doing this? I think she really doesn't know who you are.
She knows.
This is just like when she pretended not to recognize me after my shaky choir solo in eighth grade.
I had to get a ride home with the pianist who liked to tickle a lot more than just the ivories.
When I made it home unscathed, she said, "Huh.
I guess no one wants you.
" Henrietta, could I trouble you for some orange juice, please? Stop calling me Henrietta! Nobody here's named Henrietta! Henrietta, orange juice.
Now! You're not being paid for polite conversation.
- BoJack, maybe you should just - Oh, hello! It's you.
Hollyhock.
I must apologize for Henrietta.
She learned to read on secondhand books.
Mom, do you really not know who I am? Me, famous BoJack? If you are getting orange juice, I'd love a glass too.
Oh.
Uh, okay.
So you see I'm really quite ordinary and relatable.
Yeah, you put your pants on one leg at a time.
Well, I step into my pants one leg at a time, then my trouser-maidens lift the legs simultaneously to avoid wrinklage.
Well, right, of course, why else have trouser-maidens? - Hey.
Konichiwa, Princess Mulan.
- Just leave us alone, okay? I was giving you a compliment.
First, konichiwa is not a compliment, it's Japanese for hello.
Second, I'm not Japanese.
Maybe I could put something in that sweet mouth of yours - so you don't have to talk so much.
- Whoa! One more step, asshole.
- What - Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was joking.
I don't want any trouble.
- Tell your story walking.
- the shit was that? I don't know! My instincts just kicked in.
Why do you even have a gun? Well, using it in the movie was so empowering, and now I just carry it everywhere.
Do you want to hold it? No, I am very anti-gun.
In fact, I think the whole idea of guns is inherently Holy shit, I'm holding a gun.
How long has this been in my hand? - Slides right in, doesn't it? - It actually feels kind of nice.
Would you like to try shooting it? We can go to my gun range.
You have your own gun range? I'm Courtney Portnoy.
I have all the things.
[CLICKING] [BREATHLESS GASP] Whoa [BEA] I can't believe you came back.
- Who, me? Or BoJack? - You look just like him.
- People tell me that.
- [GROANS] Your mother's dementia is progressing rapidly.
- You came out of nowhere.
- Yes.
I snuck up on you on purpose as a symbol for the alarming creep of dementia.
- It isn't there, until it is.
- Thank you, very colorful.
We tried to call you, but the number you gave us connected to a sandwich shop in Temecula.
Is that right? This is the most responsive she's been in weeks.
I think with regular visits from you and your daughter That's not happening.
Seeing my mom is like a Terrence Malick movie.
Every ten years or so is bearable, but more than that and it starts to get annoying.
She won't last another ten years.
Well, I guess that's it, then.
Bye, Mom! - Huh? - Come on, Hollyhock, let's blow this Jell-O stand.
We're gonna come back though, right? We can't just leave her like this.
You can do anything if you believe in yourself.
- We have to come back.
- [BEA] Henrietta? - Every week.
- Why? Because she's your mother and dementia is hereditary.
One day, you're gonna be in a home like this, and so will I, and wouldn't you want someone visiting you? [GROANS] Fine.
We'll come back.
Happy? Where's my orange juice, slag? [GULPING] Ahhh! [GULPING] Ahhh! See ya next week.
[HUMMING] - Hey, are we out of milk? - I can pick up some after work.
Great.
Also, real quick follow-up, why are you holding a gun? Oh, my God! Did I drive all the way home without realizing I was holding a gun? No wonder that guy at the gas station didn't charge me for the Red Vines.
[GASPS] Did I rob a gas station? Classic Diane shenanigans.
Or as I call them, "Diane-igans.
" All right, be safe.
- [SMOOCHES] - [SIGHS] Hmm.
[DIANE] Let's get one thing out of the way right now.
If you're a man, you're not gonna get it.
Some of you think you get it.
You want to get it.
You listen, nod and say all the right things when we tell you our stories.
But you still can't actually know what it feels like - to constantly have your guard up.
- [WOLF WHISTLE] In parking garages, walking the street, even at work.
I'm tired of trying to help men understand how it feels to be a woman.
Starting now, I'm doing what it takes to put the power in my own hands.
That's why I own a gun.
- That was our senior picnic.
- Oh.
Oh, here I am.
There's Polio Larry.
Yup, she sure remembers all the important people.
- [HOLLYHOCK] And who's this? - [BEA] That's my brother, Crackerjack.
That's not Crackerjack, that's me.
Thirty seconds after that picture was taken you yelled at me for getting ice cream on my shorts.
No ice cream for me, Henrietta.
I'm watching my figure.
Yeah, you want to look pretty for when Death comes to visit.
Beth? No.
We stopped talking after she wouldn't eat my casserole and then I told the whole supper club that her son was a gay.
- Ooh.
- Okay.
You two enjoy each other.
I'm gonna go see if I can seduce a lonely dowager into giving me her night-night pills.
Wow.
Is this you? - [BEA] This is me at my debutante ball.
- You were so beautiful.
You could be thin, too.
Just go easy on the sweets and when you go somewhere, don't walk, gallop.
Ice cold, Grammy-gram.
[BOTH] Morning time, Hollywoo! I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type.
And I'm A Billy Bush Type.
Here's something I'm just now reading on a cue card.
All the ladies are getting concealed carry permits.
It's the newest thing.
I wouldn't want to be around one of those ladies at a certain time of the month, if you know what I mean.
[LAUGHS] I don't.
Joking aside, I think it's great these gals have a hobby.
Oh, and I'm being told by our producers that we have a breaking news alert - There has been another mass shooting.
- [GROANS] I am totally unqualified to cover a news story this important.
But as a straight white male, I will plow forward with confidence and assume I'm doing fine.
[GROANS] Again with the crazy gunmen.
Princess Carolyn, if this keeps up, we're gonna have to put this movie on the shelf next to that wacky vacation comedy we did about the klutzy babysitter.
[TODD] Ha! That sounds hilarious! What the hell are you doing on this call? Imagining that funny movie you just described.
Okay, what do all these shootings have in common? Guns? Bullets? Who are you, Art Linkletter? Just spit it out.
Men! What if we played up the "Ms.
" in Ms.
Taken? In a world of increasing terror, our movie tells women they don't have to be afraid anymore.
- Yeah, now you're talking.
- When you put it that way, it almost sounds like these mass shootings could be a good thing for the movie.
No, no, no, of course not.
They're a terrible tragedy.
Thoughts and prayers are with the victims.
- Right, thoughts and prayers.
- But anything that makes women feel unsafe might actually help our box office.
But you don't want women to feel unsafe.
Of course not! Nobody wants that, nobody's saying that.
But if they already do feel unsafe, there's no reason not to capitalize.
Right, if they already feel unsafe anyway.
Exactly, we're not making them feel unsafe.
We're just profiting, albeit indirectly, from there being more mass shootings.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES] In that case, I got good news and I got bad news.
Bad news is you're gonna want to avoid the 405.
- Ta-da! - Ugh! Keep it down.
Why are you carrying that thin hard book? It's not a book, it's a DVD case.
We did a special episode about elder care.
Now we're gonna watch it and learn how to handle this bitch.
When you say "this bitch", do you mean your mom's dementia or your mom? I think you can pick that up through context.
Season two, episode 12.
"I'm Ready For My Close-Up, Mr.
Dementia.
" - I'll go lie down.
- [MUSIC PLAYS] - Hey, Ethan, who's your friend? - [OLIVIA] Ethan made a friend? This old man followed me home from the park.
- Can I keep him? - [AUDIENCE] Aww.
- [THE HORSE] Here we go, again.
- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - BoJack? - Mom? Hush, Henrietta.
That's my son on the television.
You know him? I think I'd know my own son, wouldn't I? [ETHAN] You heard the boss man.
Guess your daughter, the bikini model, will have to pick you up at the park.
Daughter, the bikini model? Whoa, whoa, Ethan, this man is our guest! [LAUGHS] Uh Huh.
[CLEARS THROAT] - You know I hate guns, right? - I know.
Although my official stated political opinion is I respect the Second Amendment but I think some gun purchases should require the barest amount of background checks.
Mr.
Peanutbutter, you know I hate guns, too.
Or I thought I did.
Or I still do, mostly.
But being a gun owner finally makes me feel as safe walking down the street as a man gets to feel all the time.
And that's an incredible feeling I'm not ready to give up yet.
If you can frack under our house, I should get to have a gun.
All right, that's fair.
I'm really proud we've found a way to keep our personal lives and our political lives compartmentalized.
Me, too.
- You have no idea - Yes.
I have no idea? - Is your bubble of privilege so thick, - What's with humans and guns? You're addicted to these things.
And what is it with men and not wanting women to feel safe? - I don't - This is a gendered issue - Excuse me! - make no mistake.
- I don't think women - You can't sympathize running around with guns makes anybody safer.
- Yeah.
That's the danger.
- I don't - Excuse me.
- Not the men who commit 90 percent of murders, it's the crazy hysterical women you gotta worry about! [GRUNTING AND MOANING] [DIANE] Yes, yes! Fill my chamber with your powerful bullets! Beatrice, look who's back.
And we brought more Horsin' Around.
Oh? Good.
Because you love that BoJack, right? Well, he's not much of a son, but the show can be a comfort sometimes.
[EXHALES] They were playing your dumb show in his hospital room.
Which dumb show? New one or old one? In the episode I saw, you walked in on your daughter in the shower.
The old one.
That episode got us into the TV Guide "Cheers and Jeers" column.
We did not get a "Cheers.
" You always could play the fool, BoJack.
We have to have this conversation now, on the way to Dad's funeral? [SIGHS] There was so much more I wanted to say to him.
Well you can forget it now.
[LAUGHS] [OLIVIA] And since you saw me naked, that means I get to see you naked! [THE HORSE] Something tells me I'm gonna regret this.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [GROANS] Out of the way, hag, you're blocking the screen.
Uh-huh.
I know this must be painful for you.
Not painful, boring.
This place sucks.
If I'm not getting credit for coming, what's the point? If only there was some way for her to connect the BoJack from the show with the BoJack who visits her every week.
- Yeah, too bad we can't.
Or can we? - Can we what? Put on a live episode of Horsin' Around in the nursing home.
- Good thinking, Hollyhock.
- Uh We'll do a Horsin' Around here at the home.
She'll love it because it's her son BoJack.
- Okay - Then after the show, I'll come out and say hello.
And she'll say, "BoJack? Is that you?" When her eyes spark with recognition, I'm gonna sit down next to her, I'm gonna squeeze her hand and get real close and say - "Fuck you, Mom.
" - What? I can finally tell her off! I'm gonna say, "Look at you", you old piece of shit, rotting in a nursing home!" - Now I have the power! - That's what you want to say to her? Oh, it's gonna be great! I can't wait to see the look on her face.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's put on a show! [RINGING] - Hey! - Bad news.
Hear about the mass shooting outside Tulsa? Terrible tragedy.
Thoughts and prayers.
We really have to do something about these men who go No, P.
C.
This time it was a woman.
A woman mass shooter? Oh, no, that really is bad news! I just think this is what happens when you give women guns.
They start shooting people with them.
I mean, do they even know what guns are for? I don't feel safe anymore walking down my own street alone at night.
Me, a man! I am convening a series of congressional hearings on the matter of women and guns.
Because even one death from the bullet of a female gun owner is too many.
What are my constituents supposed to do, not compliment random women on the street because they might be carrying a gun? We cannot allow our lives to be dictated by that kind of fear.
So you see, the trigger was specifically designed for a man's grip and a man's temperament.
Look, all I'm saying is maybe you shouldn't blame women for wanting guns.
Maybe you should blame the constant societal messaging that tells us we are safe only as long as the men around us allow us to be.
So if you have a problem with women carrying firearms, you can roll up your sleeves and actually work to create a society where women feel safe and equal, or you can just ban all guns.
- [GAVEL BANGING] - The ayes have it.
Possession of any firearm is now illegal in the state of California.
We did it, boys.
- Huzzah! - Yes! - Congratulations! - Fabulous! I thought that was gonna go the other way.
Wow, Diane.
You just passed sensible gun legislation.
I can't believe this country hates women more than it loves guns.
No? BoJack, I don't know about this.
You'll be fine.
Just remember to enunciate.
It helps if you imagine performing for the back row.
- Not that.
I mean - Shh! Here they come.
Gladys, hit it! [PLAYS HORSIN' AROUND THEME] Too bad I could never run for president, 'cause I love waffling! Wha What is this? Olivia, you usually love my breakfast humor.
Why so glum, sugarplum? It's this algebra homework that gives me the blues.
- X-axis? Y-axis? - [PANTING AND GASPING] Where's the 'Y'-should-I-care axis? Henrietta, what are you doing? BoJack, maybe we should stop.
We just started.
Let's at least get through the first act before we judge ourselves too harshly, huh? I wonder if there's a way to make math fun.
- [HOLLYHOCK] Math will never be fun.
- [CLICKING] The only thing I like, - is rap music songs.
- [GROANING AND PANTING] Make this stop.
How do I turn this off? Don't change it.
I want to see if this married couple can work through their differences.
- Gimme the remote! - This isn't right! - Guys, sharing is caring! - [GRUNTS] Oh, my God.
Code red, code red! What is happening? I don't like this! No! - [BEA] Let go of me.
- Oh, God.
I am the heiress to the Sugarman Sugarcube Company.
You can't do this to me! [SCREAMING] I never get to watch what I want.
You think we should still finish the episode, or? Our insurance policy is very strict and very clear.
Once a resident becomes violent, we can no longer house them.
Can you recommend another facility? Frankly, at your mother's rate of deterioration, she probably doesn't have much time.
I recommend she spend it surrounded by the people who care about her.
Okay, who are they? Do you have their number? I was referring to you and your daughter.
- Oh.
Uh - We'll take her.
She can have the guest room, - and I can sleep on the couch.
Right? - [GROANS] Okay.
If she really doesn't have much time left.
But if we get to this time next year, she's still hanging on, you will be getting a very strongly worded letter, mister.
Excuse me, could you point me in the direction of an H&M? - Sure.
- [CLICK] That's all we got, once we took out all the guns.
Maybe it could work as an H&M commercial? It's a shame.
It was a great movie.
[SIGHS] Yeah.
Cut down in the prime of its life.
Well, I'm very sorry for your loss.
Eh, I'll be fine.
Hey, Beatrice, you hungry? I could make Pop-Tarts.
[BEA] No, thank you.
You want to watch another Horsin' Around episode? What's the point? - Oh.
- [GROWLS] Oh, God.
I'm sorry you didn't get to tell your mom off.
I keep thinking about all the things I never said because I was so sure there'd be other days to say them.
- Why don't you tell her now? - It's not the same.
I should have done it back when she knew who I was, back when it would mean something.
But now, she's gonna die and she's never gonna know just how much I hate her.
I'm sure she knew, BoJack.
- Yeah? You're not just saying that? - She read your book, didn't she? [SIGHS] Yeah, but I really wanted to say it to her face.
Well, hey, she's here now, right? And she has good days and bad days.
Maybe, eventually, she'll recognize you.
And then you can totally rip into her.
- You really think so? - Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES] Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'll just try And make you understand That I'm more horse than a man Or I'm more man than a horse BoJack [MAN] Boxer vs.
Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na!