Bojack Horseman (2014) s04e07 Episode Script


- BoJack? - I'm back in L.
- I should have called you - Yeah.
You should have.
- I said I was sorry.
- No, you didn't.
- Okay.
Good to hear from you, BoJack.
- No [SIGHS] Ugh.
[SIGHS] What the? Okay, thank you.
What's going on here? Fundraising dinner for the Peanutbutter for California campaign.
- All right, I'm just gonna - Sorry.
It's a fundraiser.
- Uh - BoJack! I love your ironic take on black-tie attire.
It really says, "I truly don't care what you think of me.
" This light bulb won't let me in to your house without paying.
Ah, sorry about that.
Gotta raise those funds.
- Can't I just - Thanks for your support, buddy.
- Means so much.
Erica! - Hey Look at you, with the right number of ears! - Look, I just - Twenty thousand dollars a plate.
[GROWLS] - Hmm! - [POPS] Oh.
Hey, do you have another bathroom? They're all occupied, and I gotta pee.
Not because I'm pregnant or anything.
Because if I were pregnant, it would be bad luck to tell you this early.
Presuming it was early.
But I'm not pregnant.
This is just a normal, non-pregnant gal type of having to pee.
- There's a bathroom in the pool house.
- You're a lifesaver.
Pardon me! Out of my way.
Am I in Ithaca? Because you are looking "gorges" this evening.
Well, I must be in Nazi Germany, because you're "not so" bad yourself.
- I'm sorry, yours was better.
- [BOJACK] Hi.
[MUNCHES] Well, I should go.
Looks like the work wife/ex-wife is talking to my other ex-wife.
- You have two ex-wives here? - Katrina's his campaign manager.
[PEANUTBUTTER] And Jessica Biel loves getting photographed at fancy fundraisers.
If it isn't my two favorite ladies, in the same room! This is great.
- Hey.
- BoJack, I'm busy.
You haven't seen me for a year and a half.
Yeah, because you disapp No, I am not doing this now.
- Why don't you get yourself a drink? - I will get a drink.
I will get $20,000 worth of drinks.
[CRUNCHES] [SIGHS] Oh, Norman, we have to support the - Ooh, yes.
- All right.
[GRUNTS] Hi, Zach Braff.
Zach Braff.
Hey there.
Famous actor Zach Braff, how you doing? - [GLASS CLINKS] - Everyone? Thank you all for being here.
We're gonna beat that scoundrel Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz Boo! and bring likability back to politics.
[CHEERING] I especially want to thank my pro-fracking pals for being here tonight.
You know, my wife said, "Don't frack," but we did it anyway, and it all worked out.
- Love you, sweetie.
- Mm-hmm.
Finally oh! Sorry about that, folks.
I sensed an earthquake.
Must have been a false Oh, hey now! Nope, I was definitely wrong.
Listen to me, I'm the dog who cried earthquake.
[LAUGHING] - [BANGS] - [VOICES OVERLAPPING] - We're gonna die! - Oh, fudge! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- I can't die! I'm not famous enough yet to make the "In Memoriam" montage at the Oscars! I have so many regrets! I just picked up a family sitcom where the mom is a zombie! [MOANS] It's called Mombie, and it's terrible! I have a condition where every time I sense a shift in power dynamics, I have a tiny orgasm! I have no original ideas, I just repeat things I hear.
- I've never been in love! - I've never been in love! I tried gay at theater camp! I regret everything! - [PEANUTBUTTER] Whoa! - [BOJACK LAUGHS] - [CRASHES] - [ALL GASP] [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] [VOICES OVERLAPPING] Hello? Is anyone getting any bars? I'm not getting any baa-rs.
Can someone validate my valet ticket? I would like to go home now.
There's no way out.
Everybody stay sane.
I propose we set each other on fire for warmth.
Who wants to be set on fire first? Not me, I'm Jessica Biel.
[WOMAN] Yeah, that's right.
The natives are getting restless, so why don't you say something to comfort them? Okay.
Everyone, remain calm! No one's going to light anyone on fire.
For one thing, that'd eat up a lot of oxygen and who knows how much we have down here.
- [MAN] I want oxygen! - [MAN SCREAMS] Air! I need air! [GUESTS SCREAMING] God.
- You okay, sweetie? - I think so.
- That was really scary.
- Yeah.
At least we know no one is specifically at fault.
Well, except for San Andreas.
This was because you fracked under our house.
I told you fracking was dangerous, and you didn't listen.
And now our house is ruined and we're trapped underground, and we're all going to die! - Is this one of our sexy fights? - [YELLS] No! Hmm.
[SIGHS] Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
You can be mad at me or get drunk with me, but you can't do both.
Watch me.
Oh, what the shit? [CREAKS, CRASHES] - Oh, fish.
- [TODD] Uh hello? - What are you doing in there? - Uh, I live here.
Didn't you know there was a huge party going on? I was going to go to the party after my bath, but then I realized the bath was the party.
Oh, God.
Well, I'm not waiting around to be rescued like some chump.
Come on, let's go.
[TODD] Whoa! - We gotta go in there? - Well, I don't see any other way.
Sometimes life is like the second season of Friday Night Lights You gotta push through and hope there's better stuff ahead.
Aw-ww! Guys, let's all try to just stay cool and make the best of things, huh? "Make the best of things"? You idiot, we're trapped and we're terrified.
Okay, settle down, you future hard Jeopardy question.
Let's hear what the idiot has to say.
So that's a re-up on the idiot part? How are we supposed to make the best of things? - We're stuck underground.
- This is true.
But most of us are important celebrities, so someone will come for us soon.
And for you regulars, I'm sure they'll bring you up with us! What do we do till then? We're actors! I say we put on a show.
Who's with me? A show? Who will be the star? Me, I assume.
Sure you'll be the star, and you'll be the star! And you'll be the star! We'll all be the star! Folks, I promise you we will be out of here in no time.
[CHEERING] And that's when I realized I just don't have the face for bangs.
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
You're too kind! Thank you.
Thank you, Phoebe, for that rousing Tale from the Above Ground.
Who's next? I can't take this anymore.
I need to get out.
This is the longest I've gone without moisturizing, - and I feel like a lizard! - Humph.
- No offense.
- It's only been 72 hours.
I'm missing my general meeting at CBS.
I'm supposed to get baa-ck to work.
I can't live like this! We've gotta light someone on fire.
I'm starting to think that less-famous Michelle Monaghan has the right idea - about lighting people on fire.
- Thank you.
Come on, party people, keep it together.
Let's not forget why we're here To raise money for my campaign, and more recently, to not go crazy and murder each other.
Can someone please bring me my car? It's a Prius.
A silver Prius.
You're killing me, Zach.
Peanutbutter, you can do this.
Be the leader that I know you can be.
You're right.
I've totally got this.
- [BANGS] - What in the world? "Vox clamantis in deserto.
" - It is I.
- Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz! - We're saved! - Wow! Oh, thank God.
A leader.
What's going on down here? Anyone's looking for us? We're cool.
Just being cool, don't worry.
Diane, have you just been getting drunk with BoJack this whole time? - What? I'm still mad at you.
- [BOJACK LAUGHING] - Citizens, remain calm.
- Yeah, that's what I've been saying! Rescue workers are coming but it could be a while.
State emergency funds have been depleted due to budget overruns on a costly bridge to Hawaii that's being constructed.
Oh, yeah! Since a woodchuck is a digging animal, I came to get you out early.
Is that what a woodchuck is? Why did I think it was like a beaver? What's it like out there, Woodchuck? Whole neighborhood totaled? - Is the city in chaos? - No, it's really just your house.
Because of all the fracking that's been happening underneath your house.
Oh! Interesting! - Ay-yi-yi.
- Oh, right, right.
So you just burrowed down here to rescue your political opponent's top donors.
That's convenient.
It was actually very inconvenient, but I put politics aside to save you people from dying.
Three cheers for Woodchuck! [ALL] Hip, hip, hooray! Please, don't cheer too loudly.
The tunnel is very delicate.
- Hip, hip, hooray! - Seriously, I think it's best to - Hip, hip, hooray! - [RUMBLING] [SIGHS] - Let's cheer one more time, - just for fun! - No, please.
- Four cheers.
Why not? Hip, hip - Hooray! - No! - [RUMBLING] [SCREAMS] So turns out three cheers was probably an adequate number of cheers.
[RUMBLING] - What was that? - Just keep walking.
God, I can't wait to get home.
I don't even have a home anymore.
Oh, man, where am I going to keep all my different colored hats I never wear? Well, if you need another couch to crash on, there's always my place.
- Didn't you move in with Ralph? - Yeah, but I kept the old apartment.
- Just in case, I guess.
- In case of what? - [FAINT CHATTERING] - What was that? Whoa! Oh! [YELPS] Now, ladies, just calm down.
We can talk about this.
What are we gonna do, Princess Carolyn? [ANTS GASP] [CHATTERING] Did you say you're a princess? - That's just my name.
I'm a manager.
- It's like an agent.
- It's totally different.
- Is it, though? - Silence! You negotiate deals? - Mm-hmm.
You could be of service, Manager Carolyn.
[ANT LEADER LAUGHS] My hands they're crushed.
There's no way I can dig us back out now.
Well, I can dig! Actually, no one should dig.
Your foundation is basically Swiss cheese.
The slightest provocation, could cause another collapse that would crush us all.
[ALL GASP] I know that because I bought a sitcom about fracking, The Frack Shack.
It's New Girl meets fracking.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, God, no one's gonna watch that show, huh? [GROANS] Someone will be coming for us soon.
In the meantime, we must organize.
Parcel out food and water and see how much we've got.
- I'll assign team leaders.
- Oh, no.
I'm sensing a shift in power.
Um - God! - For you, a banana - because you're so appealing.
- Yeah.
And for you, a radish.
Peanutbutter, this is a disaster.
I don't think so.
I'm food captain, and I am loving it.
- And who made you the food captain? - Woodchuck.
He's in charge.
Excuse me, you have not been allocated those rations.
I'm a horse.
I need more food, and I'm a celebrity.
- Everyone down here is a celebrity.
- Not the caterers.
Relinquish the food.
Here's your chance.
Actually, Woodchuck, this is my house and BoJack can eat whatever he wants.
This man has already reached his allotted food portion for the day.
Who said we have to go by your rules? Yeah, who made you leader of underground? I'm just gonna take all this and You've appointed me.
Yes, I under citizens, look Keep it together.
[GRUNTS] - Weird stuff going on downstairs.
- [CLICKING] Humph.
- I can't believe this is my life.
- Uh-oh.
Too much sad booze for you.
Where's the happy booze? I'm trapped underground and it's all my husband's fault and I'm gonna die in this mansion in a mass grave with his ex-wives.
But on the bright side Look, Mr.
Peanutbutter loves you, you got a cool job, you got friends.
Jesus, you're right.
Even when I was above ground, I wasn't satisfied.
Oh, my God.
I'm the problem! [SOBBING] Whoa! What the? Why can't I be happy? Am I busted? No.
It I am! I'm a pit.
I'm a pit that good things fall into! Diane, you're not a pit.
I'm a pit! [SOBBING] [SIGHS] I can't believe I'm crying.
This is so dumb.
It's okay.
Don't feel bad about feeling bad.
You disappeared for a year and a half.
So you do want to talk about it.
Just took four solid days of drinking.
If you were back in L.
, why didn't you call me? - I wasn't ready.
- Ready? For what? I wanted to be better when you saw me again.
And I thought I could be, somehow.
But I'm not.
And even if I did get better, the best I could ever be is still just some other version of me.
BoJack, I can't wait for you to be better.
I need you in my life.
- Really? - You're the biggest asshole I know, and you're the only thing that makes sense to me.
[DIANE SIGHS, MOANS] People should be able to have some control over their lives down here.
- Yeah! - People need boundaries.
Leadership means sometimes being the bad guy.
You hear that? Woodchuck's a bad guy! I don't want a bad guy to be our leader.
- That's not - That's a point for Mr.
And I'm the good guy, so that's two points for me.
What points? There are no points.
- This is not a game! - Well, maybe there should be points.
- Yeah! - Points! People seem to like my points idea.
That's another point for me.
Well, I'm the one who came down here to save you in the first place.
Surely I get points for that.
Asking for points is conceited.
That's more points for me.
- He's right! - What?! If you came down to save us, why are we still here? [ALL] Yeah! You had one job, and you couldn't do it! - Yeah! - That's right.
Minus point for Woodchuck.
I implore you not to fall into a mob mentality.
- He called us a mob! Let's kill him! - Yeah! Folks, Woodchuck's political philosophy is as broken as his hands.
That is a convincing argument.
He does have broken hands.
Maybe it's time an outsider took control.
An outsider like me, the guy whose house this is.
[CHANTING] Peanutbutter, Peanutbutter.
Peanutbutter everybody.
[CHANTING] Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! - Me! - Peanutbutter! - Me! - Peanutbutter! [FAINT CHANTING] Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter - [SNORING] - BoJack.
- BoJack.
- What? - Did you know I can juggle? - Cool.
Are you okay? I mean, outside of our current situation of being buried alive and almost out of alcohol except for cooking sherry and Midori? It's just been a rough couple years with Sarah Lynn dying and Herb.
- And Corduroy? - Cordu-what now? Corduroy? Jackson-Jackson? Died of autoerotic "asphyx-ization"? Oh, yeah, him too.
And now I got this girl in my house, this daughter-type.
You got daughter? Ruh-roh.
- [CLATTERS] - Yeah, I got daughter, "ruh-roh.
" Supposed to help her figure out who her mother is.
But I don't know where to start.
Did she try sending mutual consent form to the adoption agency? What, what words? Well, if it's closed adoption, you send a mutual consent form.
Basically says, "I wanna be open now!" If Mom says same thing, boom-bah-boo! Smo-pen Sesame! - How do you know about that? - I had an adopted brother.
And also for a while, I hoped I was adopted.
- Ugh! - Huh.
- Whoa! - Ooh! Who dares disturb Queen Antonia? My name is Princess Carolyn.
I represent the soldiers of Subcolony K-147, who feel they're doing all the work while reaping none of the spoils.
Everything my soldiers do benefits the colony.
I had this same conversation with Jeffrey Katzenberg.
Believe me, this doesn't end well for you.
[SIGHS] What are your demands? [WHISPERS] They want to have sex with your drones.
My drones? [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS] Mm-hmm.
Oliver, assemble the small council.
Uh, If we're gonna be down here a while, can I get a new towel? [GUESTS CHANTING] Woodchuck's aa-always telling us what to do! He says help is coming, but how does he know? What if he's lying? [WAILS] And I have still not been validated! If you could all be patient We're sick of waiting! It's time for new leadership.
That attempted movie star is right! I declare Mr.
Peanutbutter President-for-life of Underground.
[GUESTS] Yeah! [GRUNTING] Uh, uh, oh! - Thank you! - What? No! - What do we do with Woodchuck? - He must be made an example of.
- [MAN] Get him! - Yeah! All right, guys, all right.
Calm down.
We don't need to "get him.
" Let's just tie him up someplace where he can't hurt us anymore with his dangerous ideas.
Do not tie me up.
That isn't necessary.
No, don't no! - [CHANTING] Peanutbutter! - No! - Peanutbutter! - Thank you, thank you all.
As my first act as President-for-life, I declare that everyone is allowed to eat and drink whatever they want! [ALL] Yeah! [CRASHING] - [GROANS] - [WHIMPERS] Agh! I'm starving, and not the normal celebrity kind of starving like I always am.
Or even red-carpet-season starving.
- Where's the food? - [WOODCHUCK] You ate all the food.
This is it! Nobody's coming for us.
We need to kill someone for food.
- Hmm! - Oh! Let's eat Mr.
Peanutbutter! He has the word "peanut butter" in his name! [ALL] Yeah! Guys, guys, guys, maybe we don't need to eat anybody! - [ALL GROAN] - What's this now? Let's listen to the guy who's saying don't kill me.
He's got some interesting ideas.
Listen to me, everyone.
I'm known for monologues that sum things up at the end of the show.
I drive a Prius, which means I'm a good person.
Let's not surrender to our basest instincts.
I know times are tough, but I'm sure if we band together and really concentrate on the problem at hand, we can, as a group of friends [SCREAMS] - Oh, my God.
- Biel! The rule of man is over.
Now begins the rule of fire.
- [HOWLS] Oh, why? - Jessica, no.
I will no longer be shackled by the civilized society of the above ground.
This is Underground, and the only law here is flame.
The fire wants not for justice.
The fire wants not for reason.
- The fire desires only to be fed! - Feed the fire! - The fire is my new god! - [MOANS] Oh, God! I'm so sorry, Mr.
Peanutbutter, but the tide has turned and I side with the fire now.
Tonight, we dine on Zach Braff.
- Tomorrow, canine cuisine! - No.
You, take him to his spot, and make him stay.
- [SQUAWKS] - No! No! Please! Listen to reason this time! [GULPS] Ah-hh! I think that's all of it.
I can't go back to my old life sober.
It's so empty.
Okay, okay.
Here's the secret to being happy.
Oh, I can't wait to hear this.
Just pretend you are happy, and eventually you'll forget you're pretending.
Maybe you're right.
I just need to stop complaining and work harder.
Everyone else is doing it.
Why am I so special? - [DOOR BANGS] - Lock him in here! - Please! Diane, my sweet wife.
- What's going on? Marvin Gaye.
The People of Underground have a new god, the fire.
And for my crimes I will be fed to its ravenous flames.
My only hope is the meat of Zach Braff proves lasting, but I fear by daybreak, there will be no Braff meat left.
- What's going on? - Four Non-Blondes.
Everybody out except the prisoner.
- [DIANE] No! - Easy on the merchandise! Get off me! Well, it's been a tough week, lots of back and forth, but I think we've reached an agreement that meets everybody's needs.
"The queen will share male sex servants with the soldiers" for one night of magnificent, sensuous splendor, a gorgeous bacchanal of hedonistic delights, "with a second orgy pickup option, pursuant on success of the first.
" [HISSING] My clients are satisfied with those terms.
Now can we please return to the surface world? All my favorite clouds are up there.
Oh, I like this one.
He's got moxie and a soft thorax.
How did you find your fleshy self in my kingdom, you pink marshmallow? We were at this big Beverly Hills fundraiser.
There was an earthquake, and now everyone's trapped underground.
Did you say Beverly Hills? Ugh! Of course.
Surface dwellers are always moving in on our territory.
First they move here, then taxes go up, the next thing you know, there's a Whole Foods.
How am I supposed to concentrate on a great orgy when I've got gentrification on my mind? No, we've got to get those interlopers out of here.
- Let's - Hey! Hold on.
- Uh - [JESSICA] Mr.
Peanutbutter, did you or did you not tell us we could eat whatever we wanted? [ALL] Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter! We gotta do something.
Peanutbutter's the only non-shitty thing that's ever happened to me and now they're gonna set him on fire.
What would non-hungover Diane do? She's smart.
I don't know.
I need water.
There is no more water.
That's the problem.
"Choodwuck" is right.
Wait, isn't there water, under the ground? Like, a well? - Yeah! And we're underground.
- If we dig, we'll get water! Do not dig.
The ground is very volatile.
Quiet, sky rodent! To the shovels! Mr.
Peanutbutter, your time is nigh.
Any last words before we light you on fire? Yes, if I could just say, "Don't light me on fire"? The fire bends to no man's will.
Nothing can defeat the fire.
Only [DIANE] Water! [JESSICA] What? [GASPS] - Oh, wow, it's really water.
- Water is stronger than fire.
Wait, let's not really forget how ugh! Water is my new god now! Oh, boy.
- Clear gold! - All right, water! H-2-Oh, boy, we hit the freaking jackpot! Hang on.
It's it's not stopping.
Which is great! You hit a pipe, you drunken imbeciles.
H-2-Oh, no! [GUESTS WHIMPERING] Well, I guess this is it.
- [BANGS] - Oh, God! It's another earthquake! [ALL SCREAMING] How is this happening? [ANTS] Heave! Heave! Heave! Get them out of here! Okay.
No! Please! I'm important down here! [GUESTS] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [CRASHES] Oh, what an eyesore.
The HOA will be hearing about this.
We are never talking about any of this ever again.
So I will see you tomorrow.
We've got a rally in Bakersfield and then we're touring a tennis ball factory in Modesto.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
- I don't tell you that enough.
- It's okay.
If this governor thing is really important to you It's not.
You saw me in there.
I'm a terrible leader.
I don't want to be governor.
I just wanted people to like me.
Well, I like you.
Come on, Diane, let's go home oh, right.
Well, thanks for inviting me to your party.
I had a wonderful time.
Evening really flew by.
- You guys hungry? - I could eat.
Ethiopian? Ooh, haven't done Ethiopian in a while.
I should go home.
I haven't seen my boyfriend in ten days.
He's probably worried about me.
I'm down for Ethiopian.
I love that sponge bread.
- What do they call it, "injera"? - Yeah, injera.
- Injera, right.
- That's right.
Yeah, that's good bread.
Back in the 90's I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the horseman - BoJack BoJack the horseman Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'll just try And make you understand That I'm more horse than a man Or I'm more man than a horse BoJack! [MAN] Boxer vs.
Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na