Bojack Horseman (2014) s04e09 Episode Script


1 Class, settle down.
Settle down.
It's Ruthie's turn to present her ancestor.
- Go ahead, Ruthie.
- Okay, Teach-Bot.
- Mrs.
- Ugh.
My great-great-great grandmother was called Princess Carolyn.
She was an agent and a manager in Hollywoo.
What's the difference between an agent and a manager? Both look to find projects for their clients but only managers can produce.
- [CLASS MURMURING] - What? My mom told me that I come from a long line of strong female cats.
Princess Carolyn was the runt of 12 and it made her one of the toughest.
Mom said, "She could take a lickin' and keep on tickin'.
" This expression refers to clocks, an old fashioned way of timekeeping before we all universally accepted the bean system.
[CLASS] "The bean system is the way.
" For Ancestry Day, I'm gonna tell you a particular story about one particular day on which Princess Carolyn faced and overcame particular adversity all the way back in the year 2017.
- [RUTHIE] The day began like any other.
- [GROANS] [RUTHIE] Princess Carolyn lived with her boyfriend, Ralph.
- She was pregnant and very happy.
- [SIGHS] Sorry I can't go with you to the doctor.
- Don't worry about it.
I feel great! - Today is crucial.
Stilton Cards has to create its own holiday to really be playing with the big boys.
Hallmark, American Greeting, those chunky cards that play music when you open them.
I just know you're gonna be the next Joey K.
Easter, the guy who invented Arbor Day.
How about "National Friend of a Friend Day?" - Is that anything? - You'll think of something.
[SLURPS] Mm! Give me just a sip of the coffee.
I can have a sip.
- One sip.
- Today is going to be great.
Oh! [YELPS] - Hey.
- [MOANS] Oh-hh! [RUTHIE] She was wrong.
Today was gonna suck.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] [RUTHIE] Princess Carolyn started her day with a call to BoJack Horseman, her former client-slash-lover.
- Ruthie! Inappropriate! - Sorry.
[BOJACK] Go for BoJack! You like that? I'm trying out some new phone stuff.
Or is "Bo for GoJack" better? Nah, maybe too clever.
I don't want people to think I'm trying.
Sorry, who is this? Princess Carolyn, moron.
Oh, hey, P.
- So what do you think? - About what? "Go for BoJack!" Or maybe Ugh, stop! You need to get a new agent.
- I'm sick of fielding your offers.
- Offers? Well, you tell them that I am not doing another reality show.
So degrading.
All they had at craft services was Kirkland snacks, P.
Kirkland snacks.
Well, first of all, I don't work for you, so I'm not gonna tell anyone anything.
But, second, these are actually good offers.
- Really? Like what? - I'm not telling you because Got it.
Busy, busy.
I'm busy too, so I'll call you back later.
- Bye.
- Don't call.
I don't work for you! How's this for a headline for the blog? You write about this, quote, "BoJack Finally Solves Mystery "of Hollyhock's Mother", comma, "Looks Handsome", colon ": Is Cool.
" End quote.
I still don't understand your plan, or how that's a headline.
The plan couldn't be simpler.
Go to the county courthouse, ask to see all the birth certificates on file, find Hollyhock's, see what it says in the "mother" spot.
They're not just gonna give you the birth certificates.
Well, I gotta try something.
I have this girl at my house who came to me for help, I want to do right by her.
I just don't know if you've thought through Diane, I am a famous.
They will give me the birth certificate.
Everyone gives me everything I want all the time.
It is an existential curse, but a huge day-to-day convenience.
- So why do you need me? - I don't know.
- Just wanted some company.
- You told me to use a vacation day because this was, quote, "a feminism-related emergency.
" - I got your number! - Why didn't you just bring Hollyhock? I was gonna, but she got really into counting her teeth this morning, didn't want to leave the house.
You know how teens are.
Ruthie, this was supposed to be about your ancestor.
Who are all these other - "chara-ca-ters"? - They fill out the world.
Well, can you try to keep things focused, please? Okay, okay, okay.
[RUTHIE] Princess Carolyn had been called to Gekko-Rabitowitz The agency of her nemesis, and nemesis-slash-former lover.
- Ruthie! - Sorry, Teach-Bot.
She had a lot of former lovers.
She was a fluid sexual being, not a machine.
[RUTHIE] But today was all about business.
She was there because she was trying to get her client Courtney Portnoy cast in Corpse "Me If You Can-Can", the 1940's Cannes, France-set story of a can-can dancer who contracts cancer but continues to can-can as a canny cadaver who plays the accordion with Kevin Corrigan, Kevin Kline, Chris Klein, Chris Pine and Chris Kattan.
- Got it.
- [GASPS] Gekko.
Princess Carolyn, hi! Love the dress.
Is it new, or something I've seen you wear literally hundreds of times? [RUTHIE] Normally, Princess Carolyn would've been rattled, but that day, she realized Vanessa Gekko no longer had any power over her.
In truth, the woman had challenged and inspired Princess Carolyn, not only to be a better agent, but to be brave enough to try and have it all.
Princess Carolyn wanted to tell her thank you, but instead she said - You look tired, "Veronica.
" - Oh, I Amazing burn, Princess Carolyn.
Hey, Princess.
We have a little snag.
Did Chris Kattan drop out? Right before his comeback? Right when the world is finally ready to settle for Kattan? - No, it's - You're fired.
I'm fired? I tried to talk her out of it, but between the gun movie misfiring and her nuptials turning into "nope-tials," and her blaming you for both of those things Who knew Portnoy had so many complaints? Oh, just give me one more chance.
I promise I can get you the lead in that can-can cadaver movie.
[LAUGHS] What? Oh, P.
, C.
just made that whole thing up to get you here.
You thought that was real? The 1940's corpse who learns accordion? It sounds so ludicrous.
You did play the short-sighted seamstress in "The Storm on Northern Fortress.
" Well, yeah, but that was just because I wanted to work with Ashton.
We'll talk later, right? I'm so sorry.
Did you have a good meeting? [MOCKINGLY] Did you get fired? [GROANS] Aw.
Sorry you got fired.
Here's a latte.
Oh, uh - It's decaf, ma'am.
- Thanks, Judah.
You know, one year ago, a setback like this would have really spun me out.
But I don't need Courtney.
Every time we fall, we get back up stronger and better than ever.
- Can I get a hallelujah? - Is that a sort of pressed juice? I'll have one hallelujah on your desk by 12:45.
What's next? I noticed your necklace was broken, so I pushed back your appointment, and found a reputable jeweler nearby.
Don't know what I'd do without you, my hairy number two! Oh, God, I'm sorry.
That came out horribly.
Not to speak above my station, but perhaps it would behoove us to entice BoJack Horseman back into our stable.
- Ugh! - I'm sorry, ma'am.
"Stable" and "behoove" were poor word choices.
I was not trying to engage in punnery during business hours, but we've received 15 more inquiries about BoJack just this morning, and I don't think it's wise to look a gift opportunity in the mouth.
BoJack is off the table.
We're a small management company.
We just need to focus on the clients we have.
[JUDAH] You know best.
- Who's that dog? - Mr.
Peanutbutter - [BEEPS] - Mo for Gister Peanutbutter! Hey, handsome.
Heard you dropped out of the governor's race.
Now let's get you back to work on what really matters show business! - I'm going to stop you right there.
- I was done.
Can't wait to get back in front of the camera, but right now, I have to help my former political rival defeat my two ex-wives.
One of whom is in the pocket of powerful lobbyists and the other of whom murdered popular actor and soundtrack artisan, Zach Braff, and ate his burnt flesh! Politics as usual, right? Well, when you're ready to work again Gotta go.
They need all hands on deck, because Woodchuck lost his hands underground and they replaced them with creepy lobster claws.
Typical politics! Hey.
So I need this clasp replaced, 24-karat gold.
This is a priceless family heirloom.
Princess Carolyn had gotten her necklace from her mother, who got it from her mother, who brought it from the old country.
When our ancestors first emigrated to America, they were very poor.
Back in the Motherland, they had been doctors and engineers, but here, they struggled to find work.
Every night, they would sing the song of the old country, hoping to reclaim the glory of those days.
[ALL] Meow-meow! Meow-meow! Meow-meow Meow-meow, meow-meow! [RUTHIE] They slowly sold all their belongings as they attempted to hang on to a middle-class way of life.
[ALL] Meow-meow - Meow-meow! - [LIGHT BULB FIZZLES] [RUTHIE] But she never sold that necklace, because that was the one gift she could give her daughter.
A treasure from the past and a symbol of the tenacity and stick-to-itiveness that has for generations led my family to always land on their feet.
- You can come back in about two hours.
- Thank you.
- [CLATTERS] - Sorry, sorry! Wait.
Sorry, sorry.
- [CLATTERS] - Okay, okay, okay.
I'm just looking for something really nice.
This is for a sexy catfish I met on the Internet.
- Charley? - Princess Carolyn! You work at a jewelry store now? No, I own my own management company.
Oh, yeah.
Good for you.
I'm so proud of you.
Your approval means nothing to me.
So I guess it's good you said "no" to my offer last year.
What offer? I mean, exactly what offer are you talking about? I get so many.
Last year, I reached out to your guy I wanna say, "Ju-do" - Judah.
- This guy's name was Judo.
I offered to buy VIM and merge it with Vigor.
We would have called the new company, VIMgor.
Oh, right.
That offer.
I couldn't believe when he said you weren't interested.
Well, yeah.
Because I wasn't, and he does what I say.
So I guess it all worked out for everyone.
You got to start over as a manager, and instead of buying VIM, I bought the Utah Jazz.
They're terrible agents, but they're getting better.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, nice bumping into - Oh, sorry.
- Careful, please.
- [CHARLEY] Oopsie.
Oh, boy.
- No, no.
- [CRASHES] - Is that valuable? It is.
My great, great, great grandmother was dismayed that her trusted colleague had kept this from her.
Her mind raced, "Was Judah capable of deception?" She hoped what Charley told her wasn't true, but her instincts told her the frog wasn't smart enough to lie.
First quarter, second quarter.
Wow, that's a lot of quarters.
Oh, excuse me.
Judah, you'll never guess who I just ran into.
No, I won't.
Very astute, ma'am.
- It was Charley Witherspoon! - Mm-hmm.
- Char ley - Hmm? Hmm! - Wither spoon! - Hmm.
- Okay.
- How does that make you feel? That very short story makes me feel nothing.
I don't think it's your fault as a storyteller.
I often have trouble engaging with narratives.
[RUTHIE] His lack of response made her hope it wasn't true.
Could it all have been a misunderstanding involving an enigmatic stranger named "Judo"? So, what's next, then? Ooh, I want to get the life rights to that woman I saw on Instagram who had a pretty coffee.
I bet we could attach Jessica Alba and Jonathan Taylor-Thomas by lunch.
Okay, but I still don't understand what a manager is.
Do they just say the names of movies and actors? How does that generate revenue? No one knows, Torf.
It's not important! Be quiet, Torf.
Take your Hush Pill.
Yes, Miss Teach [GULPS] Uh-hh - Continue your presentation, Ruthie.
- Thank you.
- And finally, Rob Lowe.
- Great idea, Princess Carolyn.
But is it possible you've forgotten your doctor's appointment? - Oh, fish! - It's my fault.
I rescheduled it in an attempt to make your life easier.
Thank you, Judah! I'll call you if I think of any more actor names.
[SIGHS] Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba - God, this is taking forever.
- We've been waiting for 15 minutes.
I know.
Let's just go home.
No, Diane.
How could you even suggest that? This is not about us.
This is for my daughter.
- Ugh.
- I know what I have to do.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Pardon me.
Important celebrity doing the right thing.
Whoa, a famous guy! And he's doing the right thing? This is like when George Clooney married that less famous lady! - Wait.
Don't you mean Jurj Clooners? - Who cares? Hello, friend.
- Yes, it's me, BoJack Hor - Number? I'm sorry, I don't give out my personal phone number.
No, your number.
You need a number or I can't help you, BoJack Hor.
It's Horseman.
I don't look familiar to you at all? - Eh.
- Come on, BoJack.
Let's get a number.
Wait a minute.
You're Diane Nguyen! I recognize you from your Girl Croosh avatar.
I loved "Twenty Reasons to Try the Diva Cup.
" Oh, wow, thanks! You didn't think 20 was too many reasons? No way.
Number 14 - blew my mind! - Didn't I say it would? We don't have time.
Where do we get a number? - That line.
- What? And you'll need these [GRUNTS] forms.
Ow, paper cut! Who still uses paper? Can't I just swipe an app or something? - Bye, Diane! Keep up the great work! - [GIGGLES] Oh, get over yourself.
- [SIGHS] - [DOOR OPENS] - So? What's the prognosis? - Hmm I'm trying to think of the best way to put this.
As Charles Lindbergh would say, "Sometimes you fly an airplane, and sometimes you lose a baby.
" In this case, you didn't fly the airplane.
Wait, what? Your pregnancy is no longer viable.
Well, how do we make it viable again? Mm-mm How did this happen? Goodness, I don't know.
I wouldn't beat yourself up.
Miscarriages happen for so many reasons.
There's nothing medically wrong with you.
Maybe you just wanted the baby too much.
Maybe you didn't deserve it because you were unkind once.
Maybe you ran afoul of a trickster God or wood nymph who is now exacting revenge.
Oof! This is A lot.
Not for me.
This is my job, so - Pretty regular day.
- What do I do next? Well, there's a procedure.
We can do it here later this week.
You want Darlene to call someone to drive you home? No, I'm okay.
I don't need anyone.
You're a real tough broad.
Except for, you know, the uterus area.
Pretty weak.
[GASPS] - Hey, is my necklace ready? - Oh, I was going to call you.
When I was working on your necklace, I realized something.
- Oh? - It's not actually gold, it's just gold plated.
See? No, it's very expensive.
It's pretty, but basically worthless.
And I'm only saying it's pretty to make you feel better.
But, it's from the old country.
It's been in my family for generations.
No, this is costume jewelry from J.
Circa 1963.
Somebody just told you a story.
- I'm sorry.
- Wha huh? So, do you still want a 24-karat gold clasp on this garbage necklace, or? [SNIFFLES] Oh-hh! [GASPS, SOBS] - [RINGTONE PLAYS] - Oh! Ralph, hey! Hi, honey.
Just checking on how the doctor's appointment went and also to wish you a happy "Acknowledge Your Gardener Day.
" It's a work in progress.
Don't judge.
The doctor's appointment got pushed back.
I'm actually just walking in now.
Oh, hello.
Yes, it's me, Princess Carolyn, here for my appointment.
I like your perfume.
There is a painting of a lake on the wall.
You sure it's okay I'm not there with you? Ralph, it's fine.
I'm a big girl.
Everything is so easy with you, Princess Carolyn.
I mean, that's why I love you.
Yeah, easy.
[CHUCKLES] That's what the boys in high school liked about me, too.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, I'll see you tonight.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
[BEEPS] [SIGHS] [SLURPS, MOANS] Oh, I didn't realize you were still here.
Do you need anything else before I go? No.
Thank you.
Should you be drinking that? You don't always know what's best for me, Judah.
Is everything okay, Princess Carolyn? Charley Witherspoon made you an offer to buy Vim, and you went over my head and turned him down without telling me.
- Oh.
- So it's true.
- You lied to me.
- Yes.
Because you didn't want to work at a big agency.
- You don't fit in with other people.
- I You're weird, so you'd rather stay here where you have all the power.
No, Princess Carolyn So you lied to me, and you made me look like an idiot! I was trying to protect you.
If you heard, you'd feel like you had to say yes.
I don't need you to protect me.
If you had time, you could decide what to do next on your own terms, which you did.
Well, that's not your decision to make.
Princess Carolyn, I understand you're upset.
- And perhaps your emotions - No.
If I can't trust you, then I can't work with you.
You're fired.
[SIGHS] Thank you for my time here, Princess Carolyn.
It's been very pleasurable.
Until now.
This part is Sad.
Don't forget, you have reservations at 8:00.
- Thank you, Judah.
- Good night.
Ruthie, this story has gotten really dark.
It has a happy ending.
I promise.
Well, can we get there soon? This assignment was supposed to be six beans long.
You've already gone on for eight beans.
I'm almost finished.
But first, let's check in with BoJack and Diane again.
What have they been up to? [BEEPING] Error.
I'm not leaving without the certificate! I danced your dance, lady.
I filled out that form.
But I will not wait in this line anymore.
Not one person in here offered me a Fiji water, and I am parched from all the yelling I've been doing! BoJack, let's go home.
No, I would like to register a formal complaint.
- How do I do that? - Complaints are on the eighth floor.
But you need to fill out an application for a complaint registration, which you can get by waiting in line 12-B on the third floor.
You have won this round.
So Princess Carolyn had to meet Ralph.
But she didn't know how to tell him what had happened or how he'd take the news.
Okay, so, what do you think about "National Paperweight Day"? "Thanks for keeping my papers in place.
"I love you as big as outer space.
" Okay, so you'd give that card to a paperweight? Ah, Principessa! And Signor Stilton.
Welcome-a back.
Let's have a drink then, yes? I'll have a glass of Ch√ɬĘteauneuf-Du-Pape, the red wine inspired by Scandal.
That Kerry Washington has really brought red wine into popularity.
It's a-funny, because I thought that the terroir of the Italian countryside did it.
But, a-no, it's-a Miss - Kerry Washington.
- Ugh.
Everybody love-a Miss-a Kerry.
And my gal pal here would love some mint tea.
Right? - You know it.
- Bene, bene.
How was the doctor? He tell you the species? I can't stop thinking about squeezing little Philbert's baby feet.
- Aw-ww - [RUTHIE] She wanted to tell him.
But she also wanted to let him stay in his beautiful hopeful reality, a reality she herself had lived in just hours before, and to which she now longed desperately to return.
Well, the doctor didn't have much info.
You know how doctors are.
But he did say there's nothing wrong with me, so - Ah, Miss-a Carrie Underwood.
- Ooh! - Miss-a Carey Mulligan.
- Agh! Miss-a Carey, first name Mariah, right this-a way! - Ugh! - Look at all of these Miss-a-Carries! - [COUGHING] - Are you okay? - I have to go.
- Oh.
Well, you want me to drive you? No, it's fine.
I'll just meet you at home.
[RUTHIE] But when Princess Carolyn got to the home that she and Ralph shared, she found she didn't have the strength to go inside.
She wanted to go some place familiar, some place that was just hers.
[SIGHS] [YELPS] Oh! [WHIRRING] Shh! Oh, hey, Princess Carolyn.
What is going on here? Only the future.
This is horrifying and it doesn't look legal, whatever it is, you'd better cut me in for ten percent.
I could cut you off a lot more than that.
[CLOWN DENTISTS LAUGHING] Whose kid is that? Look, if you didn't want me to turn your apartment into a base of operations for my new clown-dentist venture, you should have specified that when I moved in.
Mommy? Where's my mom? Oh, no! He's waking up.
Hit him with the giggle gas! - [SPRAY HISSES] - Ooh! [GIGGLES] [YAWNS] - [SIGHS] Oh! - All right.
You're clearly doing important work here.
I'm just gonna have a quick nightcap and go to bed.
- - What up? Let's rock this party - H2 limo and a case of Bacardi - [SPLASHING] Look at me, I'm a dumb cat queen My baby was the size of a kidney bean Hey, what happened to your necklace? Oh, fish! Fish, fish, fish, fish.
- It must have fallen off! - [KNOCKING] [RALPH] Princess Carolyn? Are you in there? - [ALL GASP] - Yeah, just a second! - Todd, get these clowns outta here! - Go, go, go, go.
Scatter, clowns! Into the night! Go! Go! [PRINCESS CAROLYN] Go, scamper! Everybody, out! [CLOWNS WHOOPING] Ugh! [SIGHS] Okay.
- Oh, hello, handsome.
- Oh, thank God! You didn't come home, didn't answer your phone.
I was worried.
Aw, you was worried? Judah told me you might be here.
- Did you fire him? - That hipster Chewbacca, always getting in my personal biz-natch.
I didn't know you still had this place.
Why do you still have this place? Okay, what? Third degree much? - Have you been drinking? - It's fine, okay? - I get to drink because baby went gone! - What? "Gone, baby, gone.
" Like that Ben Affleck movie.
That could be a sequel.
"Gone, Baby, Never Was.
" Write that down.
- Oh, my God, Princess Carolyn.
- It's okay! You know me.
I always land on my feet.
Take a lickin', keep tickin'.
Like a lollipop with Tourette's.
Write that down.
So you were lying earlier at dinner? Is that what you're upset about? That I lied? About losing the baby? About keeping my apartment? I lied? That's the big sad thing that happened? Trying to process what you threw at me.
It's gonna be fine.
I'll be pregnant again in no time.
I'm so sorry.
Let me take you home.
- When you're ready to try again - I'm ready! - I said I was ready.
- Okay.
So we'll go back to the doctor, maybe talk about other options.
I don't need other options.
My mother had 12 kids.
My body was made for this.
We just gotta keep tick-tick-tickin'.
Princess Carolyn, I know you wanna do this on your own, but you've had two miscarriages now, and - Five! - What? I've had five miscarriages.
One last year, now one, and three others before.
- But it's whatever.
It's okay.
- Why didn't you tell me? Are you kidding? I don't want you looking at me like that.
Like that! I know I can do this.
You can't keep stuff like this from me.
It's not okay.
- It's not about you.
- It is.
This is about us.
You're not allowed to be mad at me.
- This is my bad day.
- It's our bad day.
It's so easy for you - To love me when everything's good.
- Princess Carolyn, I - Let me take you home.
- No.
You need to live in this.
You need to get used to this, because if you're serious about having a baby with me, this could happen again.
Are you prepared for that? This could happen five more times.
But I'm ready for that.
Because I want this.
Do you want it that bad? [SIGHS] I just think we should maybe talk about other options.
Here's another option.
- Get out of my apartment! - I'm sorry.
Get out! Save it for your next girlfriend.
The one you can take home to your parents.
The one who's easy.
Goodbye, Princess Carolyn.
[SIGHS] [DOOR OPENS] - [CORK SQUEAKS] - [RINGTONE PLAYS] - [BEEPS] - What is it? I'm calling about the offers.
I don't want to do 'em.
What's the point of being famous if you wait in line? If you could politely decline on my behalf I do not work for you, BoJack! I'm sorry.
I started this all wrong.
- How was your day? - [MOANS] - Well - Because mine was awful.
I mean, truly, one for the books.
Because I'm a good guy trying to do the right thing.
First, I go for my breakfast Pinkberry, which I had earned because I had good intentions for today, they're out of my favorite toppings! So I go across the street to Menchie's, like some kind of hobo.
[CHUCKLES] Mm-hmm.
At Menchie's, the stupid teen that worked there raised her eyebrows at me.
"You kidding me? You're trying to judge me? You have very uneven eyebrows and you work at a Menchie's.
" And don't even get me started on the rancid internment camp that is the L.
County Courthouse.
Hey, you wanna know what I do when I have a really bad, awful, terrible day? - What? - I imagine my great great-great granddaughter in the future talking to her class about me.
She's poised and funny, and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end.
And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out.
Because how else could she tell people? But it's Fake.
Yeah, well It makes me feel better.
Oh, heart, oh, heart Stop making a fool of me I'm everything that a flower is I plan to make about 30 kids Gotta sink for his and hers And hers for his One mill where my cotton is I'm your baby, I'm basically The B-girl that's been baking Your heart in my stove Hungry for your love Oh, heart, oh, heart Stop making a fool of me Fool, fool, fool Fool, fool, fool