Bojack Horseman (2014) s06e05 Episode Script

A Little Uneven, Is All

1 In my line of work, I meet a lot of big names.
I'm talking the sexiest guys of the '90s.
Nick Nolte.
Mickey Rourke.
Literally, here we are in the '90s, and these are the guys we think are sexy, right? And my daughter couldn't care less.
But when I told her I was meeting BoJack Horseman Do me a favor.
Make her day.
[sighs.]
Me? I didn't ask for this gig.
Angela Diaz, head of the network, calls me, working schmuck, Danny Bananas, and says, "Danny, Herb Kazzaz is leavin', and I want you to run 'Horsin' Around.
'" So, here's me, thinking, "What an opportunity to write for the most finely-calibrated ensemble cast on television!" It's like a bowling alley with you people.
Setting up pins and knocking them down.
I should be so lucky.
- Uh.
- I know it's no secret that you and Herb had some friction, and he left the show under not-great circumstances.
Now I'm coming at this from a place of: This is your house, and I'm a guest, all right? The magic of "Horsin' Around" is not Herb Kazzaz or Danny Bananas.
I know why people buy the Big Mac.
I'm not here to change the recipe.
You're the special sauce, BoJack.
Me? I just wanna be the bun.
And not even the top or the bottom bun.
I'm fine being the middle bun.
- You already told me this story.
- I did? Yeah.
Danny.
Sharona.
The buns.
We've been over it.
- Well, did I tell you about Gina? - Yes.
- And Sarah Lynn? - Multiple times.
Yes.
What about the time I sneezed on Marisa? You've told me everything.
You told me about that dream where you go to a dinner party.
I even went down that strange detour with you about the three-nippled woman in the nudie magazine your uncle showed you.
- Who was she? - I think we're done here.
- What do you mean, done? - Well, you've been here six months.
It's time to go home.
[theme music playing.]
[Shannon.]
Oh, sorry.
Uh, not this way.
My boss is gonna kill me if I don't deliver these flowers to his mistress.
Well, we're filming an episode of "Birthday Dad," and my boss is gonna kill me if I let anyone through.
Great, when they discover my remains scattered in the bramble of Griffith Park, my loved ones will take solace knowing I died so they could shoot an episode of "Birthday Dad.
" I'm sorry.
It's a really good show! I know I couldn't always be there for you, birthday-wise, but I'd like to be.
I'd like to be your Birthday Dad.
You really don't get it, do you? This is the real world, okay? And I'm a career gal.
I don't have time for birthdays.
But what about the birthday spirit? Everyone knows there's no such thing.
This is the real world.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to drink my coffee.
- Cut.
Let's move on.
- [bell rings.]
Great take, Melodie.
Chills.
Are we Glenn Close, Jeff Goldblum, Kevin Kline, and all of the greatest Motown singles collected on one [groans.]
- [chuckles.]
"Big Chills.
" - Hot herbal tea? - Yes, that would be Ooh! - Ha! - Oops.
- [chuckles.]
Got me again, Audrey.
Donna, we're gonna need another scarf.
Am I crazy, or has the crew turned on you? No, what they're turned onto is hating me on account of I cheated on Pickles.
Ever since the story went viral, the public has really mashed the thumbs down on old Peanurino.
- Especially young women.
- Oh, no! "Especially Young Women" is one of our show's eight target demos.
We gotta juice your Q! Right now, the only juice I'm interested in is Pickles' juice and making things kosher between us, which is a task I relish.
- So, you wanna have sex with me? - Yes.
And your fiancé is gonna be in there watching, or Oh, no.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
This is not a fetish-based cuckolding scenario.
He had sex with his ex, so to level the playing field now, we have to boink, so Mister and I can be even and everything can go back to normal.
You understand? Not really, but I get to have sex with you? - Yeah.
- Correct.
Then, cool.
I'm in.
- But what about your reputation? - I'm not too worried about it.
I feel like people generally want to like me.
And if I just don't do anything, eventually, the universe will realign and the public will go back to loving me again.
- [grunts.]
- Ugh.
- Mm, thanks for making breakfast.
- Thanks for calling it breakfast.
Not everyone appreciates the subtle art of the crispy oatmeal.
- Are you starting your memoir today? - That was the plan.
But I got these dishes now.
That'll take all morning.
And once the morning's over, basically the whole day is shot, you know? Better to start clean tomorrow.
Look, I know it's hard to start a new thing, but the hardest part is starting.
You're right.
Also, I'm a freelance cameraman who pays child support, so I'd encourage you to get an advance.
Hmm.
[indistinct chattering.]
Hey, uh, guys? Uh, excuse me, everyone? I just wanted to raise a non-alcoholic toast to Denise.
- [laughter.]
- Ha-ha! [man.]
Ow! My gluten intolerance! We've all been through so much together, and it's never easy to say goodbye.
- Remember when Doug left? - [all.]
Hmm? - Or Jameson? - [all muttering.]
Or sweet, sweet Bongo? - Sorry, who are we talking about? - To Denise! [all.]
Denise! [man laughs.]
I didn't realize we're the last of our original group.
- God, we had some good times, huh? - I mean, no, mostly.
- Yeah.
But you're ready, right? - Ready or not, here I go.
Yeah, you're ready.
Have you given any thought to what we discussed yesterday? About you transitioning to a version of yourself that is no longer here? I don't know.
Things are kinda working for me.
Staying out of trouble, got the fancy room, finally perfected my egg-white omelet order.
The secret is egg yellows.
I might do another six weeks.
[chuckles.]
You've already re-upped three times.
This place is for people in crisis.
In crisis of being too cool, maybe.
Right, Karmen? - I-If I say yes, I can see my baby? - Karmen, no.
You sold your baby to a den of leeches to pay for crack.
- The leeches have your baby now.
- Oh, yeah.
Ah.
Classic Karm.
It's natural to be hesitant.
When I first checked out of rehab, I was terrified.
I knew a single drop of alcohol would send me down a ruinous path.
- But I found my way.
- Found your way back to rehab.
- Ah, I'll miss our little comedy routines.
- "Our?" A lot of people leave this place, and I think, "They're not gonna make it.
" Like Denise, for example.
But you? You've done the work, and you're ready.
You're a special case, BoJack.
- I am? - Of course you are.
Huh.
[Sharona.]
Oh, boy, did he do a number on you.
He was actually very nice.
You know, I want things to be easy on set.
And I think Danny represents a fresh start.
- Is that why you got Herb fired? - Hey, I'm not the one who I can't do your hair if you're gonna move your head so much.
There was nothing I could do about Herb.
If it wasn't for me, they would've canceled the whole show.
And then where would you go? Who's gonna hire a hair and makeup lady with shaky hands? My hands only shake when I don't drink.
Be sure to put that on your résumé.
You're just bitter because I'm the only person who can drink as much as you do.
- [giggles.]
- Ruthie! - Here comes the airplane - [tires screech.]
- [car crashes.]
- Oh, a kerfuffle! [people clamoring.]
Hey! What's going on out there? An ice cream truck crashed into the root beer factory! Oh, sounds like a delicious disaster.
- Five people are dead! - Oh, no! And there's worse to come, unless somebody can slurp up all that ice cream! Oh, I'd love to help slurp, but I just started a new nannying job.
I don't care! Hmm Wow, BoJack leaving rehab.
- Truly the end of an era.
- [crying.]
Sobby Bobby.
Gonna miss your excessive crying.
Can't believe it.
Last time I'm gonna stop at this vending machine.
What do you say, B-7? One more hike down Funyun Canyon? [inhales.]
Whew.
Oh, wow.
Hello, the public.
Didn't think I'd have to address this so quickly, but I am not ashamed.
Yes, I, BoJack Horseman, - went to rehab - Uh, keep it moving.
We wanna get a clean shot for when Gen Z pop superstar/fashion disrupter Joey Pogo shows up.
- Joey Pogo? - Yeah, he's checking in today.
- We heard he's gettin' the fancy room.
- Fancy room? He's gettin' the fancy room.
- It's time to go home.
- What? Ready or not.
I got the fancy room.
He's gettin' the fancy room.
You're a special case, BoJack.
Stay cool, man.
Have a good summer.
What does it all mean? Sounds like they're kicking you out to make room - for Joey Pogo.
- Huh? Sounds like they're kicking you out to make room for Joey Pogo.
Oh, my God.
I think they're kicking me out to make room for Joey Pogo.
I just feel like if I knew the source of my addiction, everything else would just click together.
- Playtime's over.
- BoJack! - What the hell? This is my time.
- Shut up, Brad.
The source of your addiction is wanting to impress your old babysitter who stole beer from your parents' fridge.
She's dead.
You're free.
No, that's not Oh.
Oh I thought you were checking out.
Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Yes.
I've been very clear on that matter.
Well, check this out.
BoHo go bye BoHo go bye-bye for What is he doing? I think he's trying to get out a zinger.
We better let him finish.
You have to imagine that I just said it.
It's only funny if it feels extemporaneous.
Don't waste your breath setting it up, just say the thing.
- Why don't you start over? - Check this out.
BoHo go bye-bye for JoJo Pogo? That's a no-go, bro.
Worth it.
[car horns blaring.]
I'm sorry.
Please, go around.
I worked on it all night.
The thing that's gonna save your career.
Ha! - What is it? - It's a meme! For posting online! Teacher gave you too much homework? "Sad Dog!" Your favorite sports outfit lost the match? "Sad Dog!" People are gonna love it.
And that love will transfer to you.
But I'm not a sad dog.
I'm a happy dog.
Everyone knows that.
- So, it needs some massaging.
- [phone rings.]
Hold on, I gotta take this.
Conversation over? "Sad Dog!" See how easy it is? - [phone beeps.]
- Pickles! How was your date with Carl? I don't know, Mister.
The sex was good, like, really good, but I didn't feel an emotional connection.
Don't beat yourself up about that.
You just met the guy.
But part of the betrayal of you sleeping with Diane is the fact that you share an intimate history.
If we're really trying to even things out, I don't think Carl counts.
Okay, well, then I guess you'll just have to keep having sex with people until you find someone with whom you have an emotional connection.
[sighs.]
That might be a lot of guys, but if that's what it's gonna take to save our marriage, I will keep riding the express train to bone-town until that happens.
That's my girl.
- Oh! Thank you.
- [phone ringing.]
- [beeps.]
- Hello? Hey, it's Diane.
Oh, yes, I thought I heard retired dads in the distance, praising the '95 Chicago Bulls.
Maybe you could give me some advice.
I'm writing a new book, but I shouldn't even get started until I sell it to a publisher, right? - What is it? - I'm still in the loose idea phase.
Half essay, half memoir.
The working title is, "One Last Thing, and Then I Swear to God I'll Shut Up About This Forever: A Definitive Retrospective of the Choices We Make, People We Hurt, The Places We Go: Part One.
" How could it be part one if it's definitive? I'm getting another call.
- [phone beeps.]
- Hello? Hi, while you were blabbering on, I had our lit assistant take care of everything.
A navel-gazey book of observations.
Sounds fun.
- No, I - I sold it.
You have six months.
Enjoy the process.
Oh.
[groans.]
Wha What happened? You're packing your things backwards.
What happened is you said I was special.
You gave a whole spiel, just trying to get rid of me to make room for a high-profile new client.
I thought we'd made strides on your jealousy issues.
And also, it's pronounced "shpeel.
" I'm not jealous! And I've definitely seen it written out as "spiel.
" I think it's spelled "spiel," but it's pronounced "shpeel.
" Not now, Joey Pogo.
I'm sorry, am I interrupting? I was told I was in the fancy room? We're moving some things around.
Uh, maybe you could come back tomorrow? Oh, tomorrow is jammed.
I'm shootin' a video for my new single, "Lace Up," which is spon-con for my sneaker collab with Mister Pibb.
Could we just do it now, real quick? You wanna do rehab real quick? Life is precious.
God is religious, or merely the idea of human connection.
Don't do drugs.
Say you're sorry.
Powerful stuff.
Feels like I just got a new lease on life.
Stay cool, bro.
Don't ever change.
That's the problem.
When you say it in here, it all sounds easy.
But I know that out there, it's hard and confusing.
- And it's just I-I don't - But you're not alone.
You have a wonderful support system.
Think of all your amazing friends, just waiting to love you as you love them.
[groaning.]
[vibrates, beeps.]
Todd's phone.
What if Todd was one of us? Um, okay.
Is Todd there? - Please hold for the next available Todd.
- [beeps.]
- Okay.
- ["Ode to Joy" tune.]
Todd, Todd, Todd Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd - Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd, To-Todd - Ugh! Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd Todd, Todd, Todd - Hey, buddy.
- Hey, listen, I'm You're probably wondering about Georgette, - the newest member of Team Chavez.
- Nope.
Since I've started taking care of Ruthie full-time, that hasn't given me a lot of time for regular Todd business, and stuff's been falling through the cracks.
So, you hired an assistant? Well, yes, but assistants are like Deadpool movies.
I couldn't just stop at one, even though I probably should have.
Now I have 12.
You hired 12 assistants? To assist you? Yep, I've got Bella trying out new goofy dances, Pedro's monitoring all the Five Guys franchises to make sure each one has the right number of guys, - and Silvia's in charge of checking - [clock ringing.]
All About That Ace every 15 minutes.
What is "All About That Ace?" My asexual dating app.
I think I might be the only one on it.
- [Ruthie giggles.]
- But another ace could join any day now.
And when that happens, two of a kind.
Well, I guess that makes about as much sense as the rest of it.
Listen, um, I might be getting out of rehab soon BoJack, that's fantastic! and I wanted to talk to you because I, uh [sighs.]
can't do this by myself.
Hey, I got you, buddy.
You just wait one jiffy.
[sighs.]
- Hi.
- Ah! I'm Casey, the assistant.
Todd hired me to be your friend.
Okay, that's, uh, you know I think I'm good.
Thank you.
He said I would be perfect for you because you could be mean to me and you wouldn't feel bad because you're paying me.
Okay, well, that's kind of thoughtful.
I'm a very good assistant, and I can be very discreet, whatever you need.
Marc Cherry used to dress me in the outfit Natalie Wood drowned in and scream at me for hours on end.
It was very therapeutic for him, and I didn't mind because he wasn't screaming at me, he was screaming at death.
Stars really are just like us, huh? - Do you mind if I have a sip? - Don't drink that! Right, of course.
I must earn hydration.
So sorry.
No, it's just That's vodka.
You think it's a good idea to keep a bottle of vodka in rehab? Because it is if you think it is.
It's not for drinking.
I just, I I don't know why I keep it.
As a reminder, I guess.
Of what? [BoJack.]
Sarah Lynn? Sarah Lynn? Sarah Lynn! - What? - Are you almost done? I need Sharona to work that magic on her mane man.
Yeah, I'll get to you in a minute.
Cool your jets.
Why can't you do this in Sarah Lynn's dressing room? My stepdad's in there, and he's being weird.
- Why is that my problem? - We appreciate your hospitality.
Hey, BoJack, what do you think of the new guy? Danny? Yeah, he's okay.
Right? - I miss Herb.
- We all do, sweetie.
Herb.
Danny.
What difference does it make? We got a job to do, right? I'm just saying I miss him.
And I'm just saying it's not my fault he got fired.
- I dunno why you're complaining to me.
- I'm sorry.
Nobody said it was your fault.
I actually think Danny represents an opportunity.
For a new beginning.
You don't think it feels weird to do the show without Herb? If Herb really cared about the show, maybe he shouldn't have What? Been gay? No, that's not Obviously - I put my ass on the line for you people.
- Ugh.
BoJack.
Do you know how lucky we are to have this? Herb was gonna throw that all away.
I made the tough choice.
What did you do? - I I don't know.
- BoJack, she's ten! Yeah, which is basically an adult in Hollywood years.
I'm trying to make this situation work.
Enjoy my dressing room.
[sighs.]
Hey, I know you feel shitty, but don't take it out on a little girl.
[BoJack.]
I don't feel shitty, I feel great! Okay.
You know why this is here, Casey? It's because I think I'm special and the rules don't apply to me.
And I keep thinking that over and over again.
- Well, you are special.
- No, shut up.
- [gasps.]
- That's the problem.
I'm an asshole.
All your bosses are assholes.
And people like you indulge us.
And you soothe our egos, and you let us abuse you.
- You're right, I'm terrible.
- No, God damn it.
That's not my point.
Have some respect for yourself.
Okay, sorry.
I'm just happy to be a part of things.
Yeah, and that's how they get you.
[sighs.]
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
Can you run downstairs and grab me some Funyuns? - Mm No.
- What do you mean, no? Huh.
I don't know.
I'm not going to do that.
- Uh, what's happening? - There's an "I" in assistants.
And this time, the "I" is us.
I like your energy, but what? And lo and behold, - my sandwich has onions - [phone beeps.]
when I specifically meant to tell you I didn't want onions.
Where are you going? - So, this lawyer's got attitude.
- [phone buzzes.]
And that attitude? Autism.
I don't understand, why is this person moving now? Wait! What's goin' on? The Hollywoo Assistants are unionizing.
This is a walk-out.
No! I've grown too dependent on you! I can't perform basic Todd functions anymore! I'm like a toddler, but a Todd version.
A Toddler! I know you got a job to do, but is there any way - [phone beeps.]
- Joey Pogo could get through? Just got out of rehab, I'm trying to get home.
- Knock yourself out.
- All right! Don't die on me, Ileanna.
Not on your birthday, of all days! Year after year, the only thing I wished for was a dad.
[sobs.]
And now you're here, and it's like [coughs.]
paging Doctor Birthday! But if you just told me your wish, that means it won't come true! You really don't get it, do you? It already has.
[gasps.]
I love you, Birthday Eric.
No.
Birthday Dad.
- [groans.]
- [crying.]
- [director.]
And cut.
- [bell rings.]
Wow, Melodie.
Are you Janet Gaynor, Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand, Lady Ga Drop dead.
Star is Born.
- [car honking.]
- Huh? - [gasps, grunts.]
- Whoa! Ah! Buddy, what the hell are you doing? Get out of the way! - Uh - I saw the whole thing.
Mr.
Peanutbutter said, "I'm a sad dog," and jumped right in front of the car.
I think he's a really sad dog, you guys.
You know, like the meme.
- [all gasping.]
- Oh, my God, I had no idea.
Mr.
Peanutbutter, life is precious.
That's something you hear a lot in rehab.
Hey, why'd you try to kill yourself, you stupid idiot? - Um - I'm no psychiatrist, but it's probably because he's such a sad dog! [gasps.]
Mr.
Peanutbutter, we didn't realize you have a mental illness.
Thank you for getting the word out about depression.
You are truly a hero for destigmatizing this all-too-common affliction.
Yes, a hero! And to see more of this hero in action, tune in to "Birthday Dad" this spring on MBN! Uh-huh.
Mr.
Peanutbutter, I think I sing for everyone when I say Don't hurt yourself, we love you [all cheering.]
Oh, so I guess this all worked out.
- Huh? - Oh.
- Depressingly, that is.
- [chuckles.]
[truck beeping.]
I saw your new assistant leave.
Why aren't you packed? I can't.
Please don't make me.
You don't know what I'm like out there.
Let's find out.
- Hey, that's - I won't coddle this anymore.
You're scared? Good.
Go to AA meetings.
Go to a psychiatrist.
But what pisses me off is when you take a bed that someone else could be using to get better.
Isn't it possible I'm one of those people that would benefit from staying here indefinitely? No.
You're not that special.
And you don't belong here anymore.
Pack your things.
[huffs.]
[inhales.]
Don't belong here, huh? [sniffs.]
[spits, gags.]
God, what am I doing? [grunts.]
[whistles tune.]
No! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- [panting.]
- [Bobby crying.]
Nobody drink any water! [gulping.]
[belches.]
Ooh.
[gasps.]
[door opens, closes.]
Wow, look at you go.
- You can't look at it yet! - Okay, okay! Sorry.
I was just kind of in it, you know? Yeah? It's going good? Yeah, you were right.
Once I got started, it was easy.
So much of my career has been writing for and about other people, and how terrible everything is.
It's actually really refreshing to just focus on myself, you know? Well, I don't want to interrupt your flow.
Please, write on.
[Doctor Champ.]
Oh, this is a fine how do you do.
Brad was like, "It's difficult to have a hot name, but not be that hot.
" Can you believe that? He's extremely attractive, no? - I don't - And honestly, is Brad a hot name? - Brad Pitt, yes.
- Ugh.
But like, name one other handsome Brad.
- Bradley Cooper.
- Damn it! Doctor Champ, I am so sorry.
That was vodka you drank, not water.
Uh, duh! - Jesus.
- I'm drunk! Shh! Shut up.
If anyone hears you, there's gonna be I forgot how fun this is.
- Just settle down, okay? - Ah! You're gonna spend the night here and sober up.
Oh, so it's easy to be sober all the sudden.
[slurring.]
Look who thinks it's easy sober, hmm? Shh! Doctor Champ! It's so easy.
Everything, very easy.
- [snores.]
- [sighs.]
- [elevator dings.]
- [laughter.]
- [grunting.]
- Hey, Horse.
Bad news about the Manzanita lawsuit.
You think he'll settle? Settle? Manzanita? I'd say that's about as likely as my daughter Sabrina skipping school and sneaking into the office with me in my work luggage! [audience laughter.]
- Uh - Uh - [director.]
Cut! - [bells rings.]
Listen, you're doing great.
Slight change of plans, though.
Sarah Lynn had to go home early.
So, we need to change the episode to being about you not bringing Sabrina to the office.
Is she okay? Uh, only reason I'm telling you this is you're my main guy here, and I know you want what's best for everyone.
Of course.
Sarah Lynn got her hands on some alcohol.
- Oh, my God.
- Her mother is apoplectic.
She wants to sue.
I think it's just big talk, but someone needs to be held accountable.
And as the guys in charge here, we're responsible for figuring out who that's gonna be.
- What are you - I need you to be straight with me.
- That wasn't your alcohol, right? - Oh, I don't It wasn't, right? Because if it was, we're all in real trouble.
- You get what I'm saying.
- Y-Yeah.
So, you don't know where she got the alcohol from? Yeah.
I have no idea.
Okay.
But someone's gotta answer for this.
Well, don't look at me.
Hmm - What? - Nothing.
Just a little uneven, is all.
Oh.
I'm screwed.
I'm so screwed.
- It's gonna be okay.
- No! I'm drunk.
Not okay.
You can't let anyone know about this.
- Shush! - Yeah.
Shh.
You gotta stay with me until I sober up.
I can't be alone here like this.
It's okay, I'm here.
Yeah, be here.
You need to stay here, BoJack.
Please.
Stay.
Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the horseman - BoJack BoJack the horseman Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold onto my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'm just trying To make you understand That I'm more horse than a man Or I'm more man than a horse BoJack