Boom Boom Bruno (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

The guy pressing the crack whore
up against the wall,
frisking her, groping her ass,
and whispering into her ear
that he'll bang her up
if I catch you again,
you little whore.
is Boom Boom Bruno.
Boom Boom Bruno's real name
is Bruno Klöpel.
Not "Klöppel", but with a long "ö".
He got the nickname
for making things go boom.
He thinks he's the top dog
in department 73.
He's a ladykiller,
at least in his own mind,
and occasionally he'll treat himself
at the "Fliegenden Ferkel".
That's a disco. A bar.
It smells like piss, but the beer keeps
refilling and the women are willing.
He loves that joke.
Whenever he tells it,
he grins to himself,
knowing he's the king of the club,
tamer of pussies.
Bruno is a cop,
which you can tell
from his blue uniform.
Not that that worries him.
Who would rat on him?
A whore?
Besides, nobody here cares anyway.
Don't take my meth.
Come on, give it back.
I paid for it!
That's my meth!
It's my meth!
Always a pleasure, Cindy.
Fuck you, Bruno!
Go fuck yourself, asshole!
No shooting up or dealing in my hood.
We keep things clean.
Bruno likes riding through
the neighborhood.
When dusk slowly settles in
and the street lights go on,
that's when he feels free.
The sheriff of the open road.
What he doesn't like?
Pussies, fags, sissies,
lazy bastards, dumbasses, freeloaders,
lesbians with short hair.
Lesbians in porn are okay.
This is Mark, Bruno's new partner.
Fresh from the police academy.
It's his first day today.
Always keep under cover.
And aim for the kidneys or the nose.
Check out my biceps.
Go on, touch.
Go on, touch.
Bruno likes to keep beating
until blood sprays and bones break.
But he's never killed anyone.
I'm not a pig.
Be careful you don't catch something.
The ladies aren't all clean.
And be careful they don't rob you.
Some try. Just ignore them.
No money for the ladies.
Show them who's boss.
You're the man.
Hey, baby.
Look. Here's some real tits.
Oh, Rosalita,
as long as your dick's bigger than mine,
those fake tits won't help.
Come on, Bruno.
Be careful they're not
hiding a dick down there.
There's more and more fags.
If they'd lick a proper oyster,
then they'd keep
their back doors closed.
Evenin', ma'am.
Evenin', cowboy. How are you?
I'm fine, Conny.
Business is booming?
There's no time to get bored.
Currywurst, red-and-white?
It's the best, no casing, perfect
curry ketchup and chili for the bang.
Rudi, two times number three
for Bruno and his deputy.
What's your name?
Inspector Solowski.
Alright, Inspector Solowski,
you want fries with red-and-white sauce?
Ketchup, mayo?
Yes, please.
I mean, both together.
Well then.
This is their chance.
The Adlers won a close victory by 23-20.
Now they just need to win the last match
of the season to win the league.
Right on, you sons-of-bitches!
Hold these.
Klöpel, Solowski?
You're called to Kolonie, number 8.
Copy that. We're on it.
That goddamn son-of-a-bitch.
You're about to learn something.
You hear that? That's an American siren.
I had it especially built in.
Open up, police.
Where is he, Jenny?
He's not here.
Ronny!
It's my fault, I
I promised I'd take out the trash,
but I didn't.
I know Ronny can't stand that.
Jenny, where is he?
Chief?
What in the hell
Goddammit!
Jenny!
Jenny, you whore! I told you
not to park the car that far away!
I had to walk forever.
If you ever go near her
or her kid again,
I will kill you, you rat!
I swear to God I'll kill you!
Did you hear me, Ronny?
Did you hear me?
Yeah, man!
Should I
Should I write a report?
Let me tell you something, kid.
Forget everything you learned
at girls' school.
Welcome to the streets.
Let me give you another lecture
about my district.
Sometimes you can't follow the law.
Assholes like him never stop.
They only understand fists.
Wasn't that a great day?
See you tomorrow, partner.
Shit.
Mark likes Barbra Streisand,
ice cream sundaes with sprinkles,
fruity chewing gum,
and sparkly clothes.
Police, freeze.
Freeze, I said.
What?
Yes, I do like to stick
my baton up my ass.
Okay.
Have a nice day.
Now he'll have to spend five days a week
with a guy
who talked about pussies, brown temples
and wet oysters on his first day,
and who definitely farts
in the patrol car
and then says stupid things like
Get everything out
that does not pay rent.
Damn it.
I can't even pee next to other men.
You're in a good mood.
-I have a new partner.
-Really?
Mark. Nice kid.
He'll make a good cop one day.
He could grow some muscle,
but we'll get there.
Well, why don't you bring
the young man here?
I'm sure he'll like it here.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Bruno
Happy birthday to you
Bourbon, please.
Already have a crush on the new one?
Oh yeah.
I'm in love with her melonas frutas .
Sure thing.
Her name is Alice.
Alice?
Baby?
My baby!
Hi, Mom.
Hello, baby.
How was your day?
My sweet,
little boy.
Okay, Mom.
Come on.
You'll have to help a little.
Mom, please.
Sharry!
I really thought it would be
something serious this time.
How often do I have to tell you not
to date random men from the internet?
They're never serious.
Here you go.
There's no-one like your father.
He would have been so proud of you.
To see his little Mark
follow in his giant footsteps.
He was
-a hero.
-A hero.
You know what, Mom?
My first day was
really great.
I've got a great partner.
And we make a really good team.
We actually even
We even arrested a man
who beat up his girlfriend.
Thank God it's you, Mr. Klöpel.
There's so many con men about,
trying to rob old folks.
It's really scary.
As long as I'm keeping watch,
you have nothing to fear.
Thank you so much.
What would our city do
if it weren't for policemen like you?
At your service, ma'am.
Wait one moment.
This isn't for me. It's for you.
What a glorious day!
Time for a beer,
put the feet up on the table,
and let it all hang out.
Bruno is single by choice.
At least that's what he says.
No woman to chat his ears off
or worry about his liver
or cholesterol levels.
After all, he's not a wuss.
What a sissy.
Shit.
Happy birthday, you old champ.
Give every day a chance
to become the best day of your life.
What does it take
to be a good policeman?
A good policeman is a real man.
A real man knows what he wants.
He has no emotions, is not afraid,
never complains,
and makes decisions.
These stars
You have to earn them, kid.
You have to work for them.
And when the time comes,
you wear them with pride.
A good policeman uses his fists
and never hesitates.
It can save lives.
Never hesitate.
Write that down.
"Never hesitate."
HOW TO BE A GOOD POLICE OFFICER?
NEVER HESITATE
We are the sheriffs of the street.
The keepers of the city.
We deserve respect.
-Fucking pigs!
-Hey!
Try that again, asshole,
and I'll put you behind bars.
POLICE DEPARTMENT 73
-Mornin'.
-Morning.
Survived your first day with Klöpel?
Sure, Dan.
The kid's learning how to be a good cop.
Of course he likes that.
Am I right, kid?
Berliner doughnut, anyone?
-Go on now.
-Thank you.
Bruno, you've been called
to Christopherstrasse.
Peter is already there.
What did you do this weekend, Susi?
It was my friend's birthday,
so we went out drinking.
-Just us girls.
-So you had a little dance?
-Shook your melons?
-Of course!
I'm glad I'm on patrol today,
so I don't have to listen to this.
-Wouldn't throw you out my bed, Nancy.
-Sure.
Inspector Vogel is right.
I won't tolerate sexism in my station.
Or I'll have to issue a warning.
Is that clear?
Fine. Let's go then.
Ciao, Bruno.
Bruno
A marriage agency.
They take care
of all that visa business.
So, you get to try her first,
see if she's a good cleaner,
and other things,
if you know what I mean.
Of course you have to see
if she can handle the winter.
-And if it doesn't work?
-You get a guarantee.
You can swap.
With those mini-titties, I'd check
that she didn't bring a souvenir
in her panties.
You might've bought yourself a ladyboy.
I don't want to nag, but you need to go.
Sure, sure. We're off.
Chief. Come on, let's go, kid.
Thanks.
-We want to know what's going on here.
-Hello, Mister Cop? Hello?
Is it carnival?
What's with those colorful characters?
Follow me.
One of them's lying back there.
What a mess.
A garbage man found him.
He thought it was a mannequin
someone had thrown out.
-Beaten to death?
-I'd say a neck fracture.
This cut might look bad,
but it's not the cause of death.
I won't be able to say more
until after the autopsy.
Aren't you Jürgen's little boy?
Me? Yes, I am.
I knew your father well.
He was a decent guy.
Don't disgrace him.
Kid! Come look.
You can learn something.
Here, dragging tracks.
Mr. Titties wasn't murdered here.
Someone dropped the body here.
Right. We're done here.
Already?
-Paws off!
-What's going on here?
Right on!
What's going on here?
Who's in charge here?
That's me,
ma'am.
-Can I help you?
-Absolutely.
I'm Lady Lovelyn and this is my club.
I demand to know what happened here.
Let's calm down first, young lady.
Is Sugar Candy back there?
Is this about Sugar Candy?
You know him?
Of course.
Sugar's one of my girls.
She performed here last night.
What happened? Was she
murdered? Presumably.
Tell me
ma'am,
are you always dressed like this?
No, we don't always dress like this.
We met for a rehearsal.
Sugar didn't show up, and
suddenly the police were everywhere.
You know what,
Lady Lovelyn?
I think you'd better go home now,
make yourself a nice, calming tea,
and let us do our work.
We'll take care of it.
And you should look after your
girls.
Thank you for all your effort, Mr
Klöpel.
Police chief Klöpel.
How do we proceed now?
Should I make a witness list?
Why?
Our job is done here.
Oh, okay.
But won't the boss
expect us to investigate?
Firstly, the boss
isn't interested in sissies.
Secondly, murder is for those jerks
from the city.
I think what you need right now
is a lap.
A lap?
To cheer you up.
But first, we'll enjoy
a nice, cold beer.
We've earned it.
Neutral, kid. That's best.
Just smell of nothing.
Shower, clean your bells and whistles,
clean your toes and ears
with a washcloth,
brush your teeth, floss, mouthwash
a glob of cream.
That's all.
And leave your hands alone
after you piss. Don't wash them.
You're a man.
Women go crazy when they smell
your big gun on your hands.
POLICE AWARD FOR
POLICE CHIEF BRUNO KLÖPEL
You need to be really subtle
with the chicks.
Their hormones will run wild.
Shit.
After all, we're all just animals.
Sometimes it helps me to sing.
Come on.
Joy, thou beauteous godly lightning
Daughter of Elysium
Fire drunken we are ent'ring
Heavenly, thy holy home!
When I can't
I had a girlfriend once,
"Banging Tamara".
She was a hot devil.
She used to wear those pointy bras that
look like pyramids and drive me wild.
You know what I mean.
Right. Anyway
After riding my joystick
she'd run to the bathroom
and scream something like, "My bladder
burns like the fires of hell!"
Now, 30 years later,
I know what she meant.
Chief, do you have a urinary infection?
Shouldn't you see a doctor about that?
Nowadays, chemotherapy
is really tolerable.
Of course it will be hard work.
You will lose your hair,
you may have problems with potency.
You will lose your appetite
and lose weight.
But your chances of recovering
from this type of cancer are good.
Did you hear me, Mr. Klöpel?
Mr. Klöpel?
You have prostate cancer.
Mr. Klöpel?
This gorgeous head of hair
isn't going anywhere.
Dick cancer is for pussies.
Do I look like a pussy?
Nope.
So
I won't die.
Not from dumbass dick cancer.
Chief, is everything okay?
I'm fine, kid.
Now let's go check out the ladies.
So you are the illustrious Mark.
What'll it be?
A piña colada , perhaps?
A bottle of bourbon for me
and my young friend.
So?
Which one's your favorite?
What?
Which lady do you want to mount,
young stallion?
Don't take too long.
Wait too long
and they grab all the best ones.
So
Good choice.
I wouldn't mind smearing
some jam on those dumplings myself.
-What?
-Go on then.
Go saddle up that horse.
Right. Okay.
And you?
-Is Alice in?
-No.
I'll leave the boy to it then.
You wear gorgeous lingerie.
Claret would look great on you too,
or lilac.
Are we really going to talk
about my panties?
No, sorry.
Honey, you know that you're
as gay as a picnic basket?
So what are you doing here?
Ah, I see.
Well then, grab my ass.
-What?
-Go on, grab it.
That's my boy.
Hey, asshole.
Wanna lose more teeth?
Because of you jerks, Jenny left me.
And she took the kid.
If I were her,
I'd have cut off your little pecker too,
so you can't make more brats.
Take it easy now.
Leave it.
Hey, stop it!
Shut up! This is between me
and this sack of shit.
Listen, I just want to drink my bourbon
in peace and admire some fine asses.
Understood?
Really?
-Aren't you going to do something?
-Me?
He's your colleague.
Sure, but I
Okay, don't hesitate.
Don't hesitate.
Police, put that knife down.
Put the knife down.
Put the damn knife down!
What do you want, kid?
Go on, get out of here!
Have fun in prison.
Don't drop the soap!
Asshole.
Thanks, kid.
You'll be a fine cop one day.
-Me?
-Sure thing.
You saved my ass.
Hi, baby.
How was your day?
Good.
-Do you know
-how hot I look?
I have a date.
With James McDolphin.
James McDolphin?
I know what you're going to say.
I know, but this time he's the one.
And where did you meet him?
We talked on the phone for hours.
So from the internet again.
Baby, trust me.
I feel it. He's my soulmate.
Grab a bite to eat.
I tried something new.
Colombian.
Corn soup.
Bye, baby! See you later.
There's a heat wave coming.
Tomorrow, expect 36 degrees Celsius.
We might even break 40
-Good evening.
-Yep.
He almost didn't recognize her.
In all those clothes.
With her hair pinned up
and without make-up.
And he finds her beautiful. Like
-Like
-Like morning dew on a blade of grass.
Excuse me?
Alice.
We met at the club.
I'm Bruno.
Bruno Klöpel, the police officer.
How about we go
have a drink together sometime?
I mean, not at the club.
Here.
My phone number is on it.
I really don't have much time.
Kasper?
Hello, kid.
-Kids
-Don't touch him. He hates men.
Aren't they cute?
Let go of me!
-Stop! Kasper!
-Let go!
Kasper, stop!
I'm so sorry.
Kasper, how often do I have to tell you
that you can't just bite people?
I'm really sorry.
How about we
have a drink together to make up for it?
Okay. I'll call you.
Great.
I can't wait!
Good morning, you jerks!
This little devil
saved my posterior yesterday.
I'm buying a round.
How about we go bowling tonight?
Bruno
What's wrong with you?
You should go see the boss.
Where's the boss?
Sit down.
-What the hell is this?
-Klöpel, am I right?
Bo Henschemeier,
police instructor in Afghanistan,
currently with the domestic police.
Let me tell you where your boss went.
Please sit down.
Commissioner Hohlbein
was hospitalized after a heart attack.
A heart attack that struck him
in a delicate situation
while in bed with a young Thai woman.
They also found cocaine on him,
so he was suspended from duty.
I've done my homework
on you and your colleagues.
I know exactly what goes on
in this department.
I know guys like you.
Always know just what to say, right?
Whistle at a woman here,
grab an ass there.
But it's really nothing.
She should be happy with the attention.
Let me promise you one thing.
I will clean this place up.
Does that amuse you, Klöpel?
-Absolutely.
-I never joke.
I eat guys like you for breakfast.
I'm hard to digest, ma'am.
70 hot dogs in 10 minutes.
I don't chew, I gulp.
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't suspend you too.
I know that your methods
are beyond good and evil.
Let me tell you
how things work around here.
We work things out ourselves.
Like real men.
And one other thing
I know every critter here,
from the garbage man to the mayor.
This hood has been under my control
for 20 years now.
If someone as much as farts too loudly,
I'm the first to find out.
I'm the sheriff here.
Just try and get rid of me.
Good luck.
Come on, kid. Let's go.
Just a moment, Klöpel.
I actually just remembered something.
If you really are such a great cowboy,
here's your chance to prove it.
You
are taking over the case
of the murdered drag queen.
I'm afraid I'm not responsible for that.
That's for Homicide, from the city.
What a pity. I would have enjoyed
spending more time with those peacocks.
You know,
the thing about those Berliners
They've got their hands full
with their own shit.
Until they get here, you will show me
how real men handle things.
If I catch you making
even the smallest misstep,
if there's even the slightest hiccup,
I will kick you out so hard
there will be nothing left of you.
I won't even leave a trace
of the memory of Bruno Klöpel.
Or are you refusing the job?